Synopsis: After
Sophia’s nun friend dies, she decides to join a convent. Meanwhile, Rose gets sued after Blanche gets into an accident
with Rose’s car.
80s Flashback
Sophia [looking at
an ink blot]: “I see the Blessed Mother smiling sweetly as she
pours love upon the hearts of the righteous standing at the gates of
heaven, while St. Peter--”
Dorothy: “Ma! Come
on, you're making that up.”
Sophia: “I am
not.”
Dorothy: “Look,
anyone can clearly see that is a picture of John Forsythe lying naked
in a pool of honey... Isn't it?”
Sophia: “Do you
think I would lie to get into the convent?”
Sister Claire
[tugging at her habit]: “It does look a little like John Forsythe,
doesn't it?”
That’s What She
Said
Sophia: “Do you
think I could leave you that easily?”
Dorothy: “A minute
ago you were gonna spit on me.”
Take Me Out to the
Ballgame, Stanley
Blanche: “Just
look at you. Must be so frustratin' for an athlete like you. Did you
ever play any college ball?”
Arthur: “No. As a
boy, I got as far as the Pee-Wee leagues, but then I discovered
stamps. Wow!”
Shady Pines, Ma
Dorothy: “Sister,
is it all right if I sit in? I don't think my mother would mind.”
Sophia: “Think
again.”
Dorothy: “I'd go
outside, but there don't seem to be any SHADY PINES to sit under.”
Sophia: “Pillow,
Pussycat?”
Lewd Ladies
Blanche: “All we'd
need is a devastatingly beautiful woman with a flair for seduction.”
Rose: “How about
Mrs. Hufstad down the street? I mean, she's something of a dog, but
she'll do it with anybody.”
Blanche: “I was
talkin' about me.”
Rose: “Oh yeah.
You will too.”
Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: “Hi,
Dorothy. How was the funeral?”
Dorothy: “It was a
humdinger, Blanche. We closed the place.”
Product Placement
Sophia: “There's
my ride.”
Dorothy: “Yep.
It's a Granada full of nuns.”
Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “God
reminded me today that I've always had a dream, a very private dream,
one I never talked about. When I was growing up, I wanted to join the
convent. Well, until I was 17.”
Rose: “What
happened then?”
Sophia: “Your
father put his hand in my blouse.”
Blanche: “So?”
Sophia: “So I felt
soiled, filthy, dirty. You know, in love.”
Sophia: “Pussycat,
what are you doin' here?”
Dorothy: “Oh, I
just missed you and wanted to say hi and see how you're doin'.”
Sophia: “I'm doin'
fine. Ten days celibate!”
Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Well,
you know how I like to meet rich men by gently rear-ending expensive
cars at red lights?”
Rose: “Yeah.”
Blanche: “Well,
you say that like it isn't great. Rose, it's the perfect plan. You
get to meet the guy, exchange addresses, and then when he asks you
who does good body work, you give him your phone number.”
Sweet,
Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Rose: “Well,
you're not gonna believe this. I've just been talking on the phone
for a half-hour, and guess what.”
Blanche: “You
forgot to dial first?”
Rose: “No.”
Dorothy: “You held
the receiver upside down?”
Rose: “Nuh-uh.”
Dorothy: “It
wasn't even the phone, it was the TV remote control.”
Rose: “No.”
Blanche: “A shoe?”
Rose: “Blanche,
please. I'm not an idiot. The TV has a remote control??”
Until the Buffalo
Pooped…
Sophia: “God spoke
to me today at the funeral. He told me to join the order.”
Blanche: “God
spoke to you? You haven't been eating chili dogs again, have you?”
Sophia: “That was
an honest mistake. And to clarify, that's when I thought God was
whistling to me.”
From Feud to Food
Rose: “We came to
see you.”
Sophia: “Nice to
see you. What a lovely surprise. Welcome to our little convent. Not
even a Bundt cake, huh?”
Dorothy Zbornak is
My Spirit Animal
Dorothy: “You'll
have to excuse my mother. She suffered a slight stroke a few years
ago which rendered her totally annoying.”
Reel References
Sophia: “God, I'm
so confused. I don't know where I belong. I'm trying to wrestle with
the deep religious questions of the ages. Like, what do you really
want from me? What is my real purpose in life? What was Edward G.
Robinson doing in ‘The Ten Commandments?’”
The Boob Tube
Sister Claire:
“We'll start with the ink blots.”
Sophia: “Uh, who
was a 1950s black singing group? Am I right? Am I in? Am I a nun
yet??”
Dorothy: “She
watches a lot of Jeopardy!”
Sophia: “It's time
for me to move on. My job here is done.”
Dorothy: “I always
love it when you talk like the Lone Ranger... I love you, Ma.”
Sophia: “I love
you too, Tonto.”
Golden Quotes
Blanche: “I can't
believe anybody would wanna be a nun. I mean, ‘nun.’ The word
says it.”
Blanche: “There's
nothin' wrong with that man's back.”
Rose: “How can you
tell?”
Blanche: “Because
I know the crooked walk of man when his back has been injured. I
cannot tell you how many men I have seen limp out of my bedroom.”
Dorothy: “Ma, you
actually went to a convent? Why didn't I know that?”
Sophia: “Because
you're divorced. Technically, in the eyes of the church you don't
even exist. I spit on you. Unless, of course, the sister would like
to spit on you first.”
Sister Claire: “We
have very strict guidelines when selecting postulants, so we're going
to put Sophia through a battery of psychological tests. It helps weed
out the crazies and undesirables.
Dorothy: “Sorry,
Ma.”
Blanche: “Rose, I
won't go all the way. I'll just get him in the bedroom and, uh, put
him through the normal warm-ups. And we'll have a certain
Scandinavian nitwit hidin' in the closet with a camera.”
Rose: “Wouldn't it
be better if I hid in the closet??”
Blanche: “Yes,
Rose, I suppose it would.”
Rose: “But do you
really think you can get him to remove the neck brace?”
Blanche: “Oh,
please. I once got a man to crawl out of a full body cast!”
Sophia: “Rose,
just remember, you're smarter than people say you are. You've got
common sense and you know what you're doing.”
Rose: “Oh,
Sophia.”
Sophia: “Blanche,
you're a slut.”
Blanche: “Oh,
Sophia.”
Dorothy: “Look, I
got a card from Ma.”
Rose: “Oh,
Dorothy, read it out loud.”
Dorothy: “‘Dear
Pussycat, I have everything I need, but it's hard to get a decent
bikini wax. Dorothy, I remember you fondly, and the same goes for
Blanche and Rita. Wish you were here. No one can reach the third
shelf in the pantry. Best, Sister Ma.”
Blanche: “You know
what I'm gonna miss most about Sophia? The way she used to tease me.
The way she would ever-so-subtly jab me with names like ‘tramp,"
‘floozy,’ ‘trollop,’ ‘harlot,’ ‘magic carpet ride.’”
Rose: “’The
human luge.’”
Dorothy: “But she
was never cuter than when she simply called you ‘shore leave.’”
Blanche: “Oh God,
I miss that woman.”
Sophia: “Clear
out. It's the man… Hello, Reverend Mother. My, you look
holier-than-thou today.”
Mother Superior:
“Save it, Sister Suck Up.”
Mother Superior:
“It's my feeling that life here is too structured for her.”
Dorothy: “I'm
afraid I don't follow you.”
Mother Superior:
“She is a stubborn, old, vindictive pack mule of a woman who won't
follow the rules.”
Dorothy: “OK, I'm
back with you.”
Dorothy: “Ma,
where are Blanche and Rose?”
Sophia: “Oh, they
wanted to browse in the gift shop. They're having a sale on John the
Baptist place mats.”
Critique:
Okay, so I know that
Rose isn’t the brightest color in the crayon box but she seriously
doesn’t know what a TV remote control is? I can’t even buy that
she’s really that stupid. The writers really dumbed her down by
this point; she was borderline mentally challenged. Not that there’s
anything wrong with that, I mean it is still funny after all.
But I digress. Who doesn’t love this nuntastic episode? I’d like
to think this was the inspiration for “Sister Act” which was
released just two years later. So, I’ve lost track of how many
times nuns and priests have appeared on this show. In fact, the only
character who was never seen in a nun’s outfit on show was Dorothy.
Anyways, let’s be honest, Rose and Blanche’s storyline is
basically a snooze until thy the final moment of the episode when
they rush outta the bedroom with Blanche dressed as a nurse and the
guy who’s suing Rose chasing her in his boxer shorts. The writers
were constantly writing B stories that resulted in quick but funny
moments like this. But let’s get to the real meat of the episode:
Sophia, as a nun. There are so many great gags here. The ink blot
scene is hilarious and nuns playing poker with Sophia is hilarious.
However, the real burning question is how the hell did Sophia sneak
in that poster of the sweaty hunk with a reverse image of the pope
into her convent bedroom? That is the truly deep religious question
of the ages. GRADE: A-
