Synopsis: Blanche’s gay brother Clayton returns and brings
along his partner Doug; meanwhile, the girls attend yet
another awards banquet where Rose is nominated for Volunteer of the
Year.
That’s What She Said
Clayton: “Blanche, we don't have to worry about what the world
thinks about our relationship. It just doesn't matter, because we're
there for each other. I'd do anything for Doug, and he'd bend over
backwards for me!”
Lewd Ladies
Dorothy: “Rose, Doug is not a cab driver.”
Doug: “No, ma'am. Actually, I'm a policeman.”
Rose: “Oh. Well, what's a policeman doing bringing fares from the
airport? I know! I bet you do undercover work.”
Sophia: “And I'll bet he does it damn well.”
Dorothy: “I just had the strangest crank call. Some man wanted to
know if I owned a riding crop and a leather bra and if I could lick
my eyebrows.”
Sophia: “What did you say?”
Dorothy: “I said no.”
Sophia: “I guess we're paying full price for the cocktail franks.”
Picture It
Blanche: “It's easier for you to say that, Sophia. It's not your
brother who's getting married to a man.”
Sophia: “Hey, it's not like the guys in my family never kissed a
man. Of course, that was business. Although there was that one hit
man who always had to have a flower in his lapel and would hold the
kiss of death a little longer than he had to.”
Insult Watch
Sophia: “Dorothy, stand up and take a bow.”
[whistling]
Dorothy: “If I'm not mistaken, all the waiters were whistling at
me.”
Blanche: “Maybe they never saw anyone eat a steak that fast.”
Sassy Sophia
Doug: “Say, have you ladies known Blanche for a long time?”
Rose: “Oh, yes. You're in luck. She just loves policemen.”
Sophia: “Apparently, it's a hereditary trait.”
Blanche: “Sleeping arrangements!? What in hell am I gonna do about
the sleeping arrangements??”
Dorothy: “Well, honey, why can't you sleep on the couch and give
Clayton and Doug your room?”
Blanche: “Are you crazy? What will the neighbors think if they see
two men in my bedroom??” Sophia: “They'll think it's Tuesday.”
Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Dorothy: “Oh, Rose, honey, I think you're putting the cart before
the horse.”
Rose: “And that's bad?”
Clayton: “Blanche, we're getting married.”
Rose: “But that's impossible, Clayton. Brothers can't marry
sisters! Oh that's right, you're from the South.”
Dorothy: “Blanche and Clayton aren't getting married, you airhead.
Clayton and Doug are.”
Rose: “Oh. Ohhh! Oh??”
Clayton: “Ladies! I think a toast is in order. Here's to the woman
of the hour. A woman whose grace and kindness and warmth and concern
for others is an inspiration to us all. Here's to [seeing Blanche]
Blanche!”
Rose: “And he's mad at her. Think what he's gonna say about me.”
Lesbian. Lesbian? LESBIAN??
Blanche: “I think I did a great job covering up how upset I am.”
Dorothy: “You mean, like how you started sobbing when Clayton asked
for more fruit cocktail?”
Blanche: “I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual. I just
don't like him dating men.”
Dorothy: “You really haven't grasped the concept of this gay thing
yet, have you?”
Blanche: “There must be homosexuals who date women.”
Sophia: “Yeah. They're called lesbians.”
Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Blanche: “Clayton!”
Clayton: “Blanche!”
Blanche: “Oh! You're still the handsomest man I know.”
Clayton: “And you're still the prettiest thing I ever did see.”
Dorothy: “Now I know why they call it the ‘Deep’ South.”
Reel References
Dorothy: “I'll say this for Clayton, he has great taste. Doug is
absolutely charming.”
Sophia: “And funny. It's not every cop who can do a good Bette
Davis impression.”
Sophia: “So, Butch, Sundance, who gets to throw the bouquet?”
The Boob Tube
Rose: “Hot damn! It's happened! It's finally happened! Oh, yes! Oh,
yes! Oh, yes!”
Dorothy: “I take it we now get The Disney Channel.”
Neiman Marcus Marker: 7
Clayton: “It'll be a simple ceremony, just exchanging rings and
affirming our commitment to each other in front of our friends. I
mean, it's not like it's gonna be a big, fancy wedding.”
Doug: “Although we are registered at Neiman Marcus.”
Golden Quotes
Dorothy: “Honey, your brother is gay.”
Blanche: “Dorothy, I think that gay thing was just a phase he was
going through. You know, like, when Clay was in high school, all he
ever wanted to do was go see gladiator movies. It's the same kind of
thing.”
Dorothy: “Almost exactly.”
Rose: “Seven years I've been nominated for the Volunteer Vanguard
Award, and seven years I've had to watch Agnes Bradshaw snatch it
away from me. Well, she's not gonna do that this year. This year, I'm
finally gonna beat her. I'm gonna win!”
Dorothy: “Why? Because you worked harder than Agnes?”
Rose: “Because she's dead. Yep! As a doornail. Dead, dead, dead.
Coffee?”
Blanche: “Rose, how can you be so cheery? It's a terrible thing.”
Rose: “Come on, she was 89, and she died in her sleep.”
Blanche: “She fell asleep driving the bookmobile.”
Rose: “It was a tragedy. She was my only real competition. Dead,
dead, dead. Muffin?”
Blanche: “All right now, baby brother, I've waited all week. Where
is it? Where's my surprise?” Doug: “Hello, everyone!”
Sophia: “Surprise...”
Dorothy: “You'll have to excuse my mother. She, uh, survived a
slight stroke, which left her, if I can be frank, a complete burden.”
Dorothy: “They can sleep in Ma's room and she'll sleep with me.”
Sophia: “Oh, Ma doesn't get a say. It doesn't matter what Ma
thinks. Ma's a piece of furniture who has no feelings or opinions.”
Dorothy: “Nonsense, my little hat rack.”
Clayton: “Blanche, honey, it's such a beautiful night, Doug and I
are gonna go out for little a walk.”
Blanche: “OK.”
Doug: “Don't wait up.”
Blanche: “Well, enjoy your walk. I'm fine. I'm OK. I can deal with
this.”
Sophia: “Oh, look. They're skipping.”
Blanche: “Oh, God!”
Sophia: “Joke! Joke! Just a joke!”
Sophia: “The winner of this year's Volunteer Vanguard Award is
Rose...”
Rose: “YES!”
Sophia: “...hand me that glass of water, please. Wow what a
surprise! Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in history, we
have a posthumous winner - Agnes Bradshaw!”
Rose: “It's a fix!! She's dead! She doesn't need that on her mantel
– SHE’S ON HER MANTEL!”
Susan Dodd: “So good to see you again, Blanche. And who have we
here? Hello, I'm Susan Dodd.”
Clayton: “I'm Clayton, Blanche's brother. And this is Doug, he's
my--”
Blanche: “FIRE! FIRE! Everybody out!!! Small fire. It's out now….
so, who's for decaf?”
Sophia: “Smooth!”
Sophia: “Blanche, I've been thinking about Clayton and Doug, and I
have a question.”
Blanche: “What?”
Sophia: “Why do men have nipples?”
Blanche: “I have no idea.”
Sophia: “You think it's because God has a sense of humor and isn't
as uptight as the rest of us?”
Rose: “I've made a decision. I'm gonna throw myself into charity.
I'm gonna spend all my free time making other people's lives better.
I lost sight of the real goal. It isn't about fancy banquets. It
isn't about getting your name in the paper. It isn't about winning
the award next year.”
Blanche: “There now, that's the spirit.”
Rose: “It's about getting that dead woman's name off of this one.”
Critique:
Fun Fact: Men have nipples because they form on the fetus before the sex organs
develop and then don’t go away. But I digress. Hot damn, I love the
Clayton episodes. It’s so nice to see the return of a well-liked
relative, played by the same actor no less. Unlike Becky 1 and Becky
2 and Big Daddy 1 and Big Daddy 2 or Kate 1 and Kate 2 there is no
Clayton 1 and Clayton 2. In “Scared Straight” Blanche comes to
terms with her brother being gay, somewhat. Even if it made mildly
offensive jokes here and there, it was a rather progressive story for
the era. This time the writers explore Blanche’s reaction to
Clayton bringing home a partner. Of course Rue herself had issues
playing this aspect of Blanche’s character because she was nothing
like a stubborn, close-minded, conservative, Southern traditionalist.
But it’s fun to see her obvious concern aboout being judged for
just having a gay brother. The way she screams FIYAH to interrupt
Clayton introducing his partner Doug to her friend is both hilarious
and sad. But like most late 80s/early 90s sitcoms everything works
out in the end. The B story about Rose’s obsession with winning the
Volunteer of the Year award is classic, competitive Rose which we
haven’t seen much of since the earlier seasons. This episode gives
me a warm tingleh feelin’ all ovah. GRADE: A
