Synopsis: Dorothy
becomes friends with a snobby local author which drives a wedge
between her and Rose and Blanche; Sophia woos a man down at the
center.
80s Flashback
Blanche: “Now
Dorothy, if you’re saying you can’t get stimulating conversation
around this house I beg to differ.”
Rose: “I can’t
believe it. It says here that since Michael Jackson can’t buy the
Elephant Man he’s now put in a bid for the remains of the Big Bopper.”
St. Olaf Vocab
Oogle and Floogle –
an adult version of hide-and-go-seek
That's What She Said
Barbara Thorndyke:
“A man came up behind me, put something in my hand, and said, 'This
is what you need.'”
Lewd Ladies
Blanche: “Offering
to make him dinner just made you look too easy.”
Sophia: “Please.
Black underwear and pasties couldn’t make me look easy.”
Zbornak Zingers
Rose: “Dorothy,
the masquerade ball is Friday night. You know how much it means to
me. I’m counting on you to be the rear end of my horse.”
Dorothy: “Rose,
sweetheart, this Friday I can choose between rubbing elbows with
Norman Mailer or doing the Hokey Pokey in a horse costume with your
behind in my face.”
Insult Watch
Blanche: “Rose,
what was your first impression of me?”
Rose: “I thought
you wore too much makeup and were a slut. I was wrong, you don’t
wear too much makeup!”
Sassy Sophia
Barbara Thorndyke:
“Sophia, your daughter is one of the most beautiful people I've
ever met.”
Sophia: “Boy, you
writers never stop using your imagination.”
Take Me Out to the
Ballgame, Stanley
Dorothy: “Blanche,
honey, I hope you don't mind. I borrowed your rhinestone necklace.
Blanche: “No
that's alright, but I should point out it was designed for a dainty
neck.”
Dorothy: “Yes,
Blanche, but I don't know Mike Tyson well enough to borrow his
jewelry.”
Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “I remember
when I was a little girl back in St. Olaf. There was this old lady
who lived up the street. She never smiled. I mean she always looked
angry. The kids said she'd kill anyone who even stepped on her
property. We used to call her Mean Old Lady Hickenlooper.”
Blanche: “Yeah,
kids can be pretty cruel.”
Rose: “No. That
was her name. Mean Old Lady Higgenlooper. She had it changed legally
'cause everybody called her that anyway… One day I got up the
courage to go up to Mean Old Lady Hickenlooper and ask her why she
always frowned. Well, she had been born with no smiling muscles. I
pointed out that a frown is just a smile turned upside down. So from
then on, whenever I'd go by, she'd stand on her head and wave!”
Oh Shut Up Rose
Dorothy: “Why is
it so important that I go to this masquerade ball?”
Blanche: “Because
it's so important to Rose. Just look at her Dorothy, she's crushed,
torn up, devastated by your shocking insensitivity to her feelings.”
Rose: “I don't
feel that bad.”
Blanche: “Shut up,
Rose!”
Best of B.E.D.
Rose: “Blanche,
what's a metaphor?”
Blanche: “It's
when you use a phrase to mean somethin' else. Like when I say, 'Men
are blinded by my beauty,' they're not really blinded. They
get their sight back in a day or two.”
Product Placement
Barbara Thorndyke: “I’m just a writer, Malamud’s an author.”
Rose: “I thought malamuds were chocolate cookies with marshmallow?”
Dorothy: “Those are Mallomars, Rose.”
Barbara Thorndyke: “Did you have a problem with my book?”
Blanche: “Yes, as a matter of fact, I did. All those waves. Big waves, little waves. Dark waves, rollin' in. Page after page. I had to take a Dramamine to get through chapter three.”
Literary
Intelligentsia
Dorothy: “Oh, gee,
everything sounds so good. The Crepes of Wrath. The Old Man and the
Seafood Salad. I think I will have the For Whom the Stuffed Bell
Pepper Tolls.”
Barbara Thorndyke:
“And I'll have a turkey sandwich on Catcher in the Rye bread with a
side order of George Bernard Slaw.”
The Boob Tube
Dorothy: “I think
I saw Jack and Janet give Chrissy this treatment on an episode of
Three's Company.”
Blanche: “Oh at
last, a reference from Dorothy that even we illiterates can
understand.”
Rose: “I guess her
well of knowledge has run dry. That's a metaphor, Dorothy.”
Reel References
Blanche: “All
right. I don't like Barbara. I think she's a phony.”
Dorothy: “Oh. This
from a woman who tells her dates that she was Angie Dickinson's body
double in Dressed to Kill.”
Blanche: “That's
just a little white lie.”
Dorothy: “Yeah?
Then why is it on your job resumé?”
Golden Quotes
Blanche: “I once
stood in line two hours at a bookstore for Arnold Schwarzenegger’s
autograph.”
Dorothy: “You
know, when I think of great literary figures of our time it’s
usually Faulkner, Fitzgerald, and Schwarzenegger.”
and
Barbara Thorndyke:
“I was in Morocco working on a novel, not to mention a dashing
young Moroccan. When I had a severe attack of writer's block. My head
was devoid of all ideas and thoughts.”
Rose: “That
happens to me a lot.”
Barbara Thorndyke:
“Do you write?”
Rose: “No. Why do
you ask?”
Critique: Who else would of
loved to see Rose and Dorothy dressed in a horse costume? Um,
everyone of course. And how great could The Mortimer Club's breakfast
really be since we know they probably don't serve bagels. That's a
shame really. But I digress. There is so much good stuff going on in
this episode and way too many good quotes to post here. As you know I
tend to enjoy it when the girls are at odds with each other it, the
insults usually come swiftly and harshly. Dorothy’s friend Barbara
Thorndyke is such a delightful bitch it’s really fun seeing her
play against Blanche and Rose. Blanche’s explanation of a metaphor
is a gem. A highlight of the episode is Dorothy’s lunch date with
Barbara in which the menu items are book references. The writers are
really having fun and it shows. The best reveal is when Barbara turns
out to be an anti-Semite who despises the surname Guttman. Barbara
really lives up to her surname. This is a good one. Dammit, now I
could really go for some Edgar Allen Poe-tatoes. GRADE: A
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