Ebb Tide S5E11

Synopsis: Blanche attends Big Daddy’s funeral with Dorothy where she clashes with her sister Virginia; Sophia and Rose rent out Dorothy and Blanche’s rooms to boarders while they’re away.

Musical Moments

Sophia & the boarders, singing a variation of Mademoiselle from Armentières: “The first marine he found the bean, parlez-vous/The second marine, he cooked the bean, parlez-vous/The third marine, he ate the bean/blew apart the submarine/Inky dinky parlez-vous!”

Let’s Get Political

Rose: “How much do you want for it?”

Citrus Festival representative: “Well, they're pretty rare. There's only five of these. I'd say $2000.”

Sophia: “$2000 a plate? What is this? A Republican fundraiser??”

Lewd Ladies

Virginia: “What are you talking about?”

Blanche: “You always trying to make me out to be the inconsiderate one. I remember when you were 16 and didn't come home for Father's Day.”

Virginia: “I was away at school.”

Blanche: “Oh, yes. The Good Samaritan Academy for the Knocked-Up. Two, four, six, eight, all us girls are three months late.”

Zbornak Zingers

Blanche: “Have you ever seen a more movin’ piece of art?”

Dorothy: “Only at Graceland.”

Insult Watch

Blanche: “Big Daddy isn't deyud. I think Virginia's just playing a little practical joke.”

Sophia: “What kind of a person plays a joke like that? You want to play a joke, you ring somebody's doorbell and run away. Or you shorten the leg on somebody's walker so it wobbles. Or you arrange for somebody to go on a long car trip with Rose. You don't tell them their father's dead.”

Blanche: “Dorothy, come look at these old pictures. I think I must of been about ten years old in this one. Big Daddy just taught me how to ride a horse.”

Dorothy: “You were quite a little porker back then, weren't you?”

Blanche: “I was a little chunky, that's all.”

Dorothy: “Blanche, the horse's eyes are crossed. You were fat.”

Blanche: “Every little girl goes through that ugly stage.”

Dorothy: “Yeah. Ugly, yes. But this is ugly and fat.”

Tales from the Old South

Blanche: “Oh Dorothy, there's so many memories connected to this room. We used to have our big family reunions in here. Generations of Hollingsworth would gather round Big Daddy with his bourbon and branch. And while he sat there in front of a roaring fire regaling everybody with stories of the Old South, I'd sneak away up to my room and make out with cousin Abernathy.”

Dorothy: “The room has that sense of tradition.”

Sassy Sophia

Dorothy: “Ma, you're not gonna answer ads in the personals again, are you? We got a lot of complaints last time.”

Sophia: “Hey, he asked for a single white female who likes to party, and he got one.”

Back in St. Olaf

Rose: “$400? Back in St. Olaf, the most expensive room was $18. 50. And that includes the cow.”

Dorothy: “All right, Rose. Why would you want a cow in the room?”

Rose: “It's the law.”

Best of B.E.D.

Blanche: “Look here. This is when I was crowned Azalea Queen. Wasn't I beautiful then?”

Dorothy: “Yeah. And you still haven't lost it.”

Blanche: “Actually, this picture was taken two years after I lost it.”

From Feud to Food

Blanche: “Ketchup to go on my lima beans.”

Dorothy: “Why?”

Blanche: “Oh, he sometimes ate 'em that way. He'd make up stories about how that's the way the kings and queens of Europe ate 'em. He always made it sound so special. He always made everything sound… so damned special.”

Golden Quotes

Dorothy: “Listen to this: The highlight being the Citrus Festival Ball, which is being chaired this year by 35-year-old Blanche Devereaux. How much did that cost you?”

Blanche: “I don't have to pay for my compliments.”

Dorothy: “You went to bed with him?”

Blanche: “Twice. But it's not like I wouldn't have anyway.”

Blanche: “I'm too upset to eat. I may never eat again.”

Virginia: “Blanche.”

Blanche: “Oh, you're right, I should keep up my strength. Dorothy, something with frosting.”

Rose: “Sophia, who are Peter and Maddy and why are they staying in Blanche's room?”

Sophia: “Because Dorothy's room and your room are already rented.”

Rose: “Well, where am I gonna sleep?”

Sophia: “I could rent you half of my room.”

Dorothy: “Fat, fat water rat, fifty bullets in your hat!”

Rose: “Hello? Oh, hello Dorothy. No, it didn't ring here. Why? No, everything's fine here. Sophia?”

Sophia, whispering:  “Tell her I'm in church.”

Rose, whispering: “She's in church.”

Blanche: “'Cause Big Daddy, I do love you so much. I just wish there was some way I could know you're hearing what I'm saying.”

Dorothy: “Blanche…”

Blanche: “Oh, Lordy.”

Blanche: “Big Daddy, you remember Dorothy.”

Dorothy: “Hello.”

Sophia: “I've been working on what we can tell Blanche about that plate. I wrote it down. You be Rose, why don't I be Sophia. This is what we'll say right after they walk in the door. [reading] Hi, Blanche. You look beautiful. Welcome home. I love you.”

Rose [reading]: “I broke the plate. I'm such a clumsy fool.”

Critique:

I utterly love the randomness of Sophia’s B story line (also, when the hell isn’t she obsessed with having a large television?). Also, how the hell do the boarders, who are out-of-towners, have friends over for a party if they’re on vacation? I dunno, maybe all of Maddy’s friends booked their hotels and Maddy got lazy. But I digress. This is a standout episode for Blanche. She gets to be sassy and slutty and also very serious since it’s about, ya know, her father dying and all the drama that comes with losing a family member. But there’s plenty of great humor here as well and enough insults to last a lifetime. I love how the two story lines come together in a delightful little twist that only the best sitcoms could do. The whole idea of a “Citrus Festival Ball” is so… Florida. And only a show as well written as The Golden Girls could have one word lines like “Twice” be every bit as funny as fully formed sentences. This is a good one.  GRADE: A 

And for those curious, yes it's real: