Friday, February 19, 2021

A Midwinter Night’s Dream S7E20 & 21

Synopsis: Blanche hosts a “Moonlight Madness” party and everyone is particularly horny; Rose and Miles decide to get married but Dorothy and Miles kiss, Sophia must break a Sicilian witch’s curse. 

90s Flashback

Rose: “Oh I don’t enter this for the prizes. I do it for the thrill of winning. The rush of adrenaline, when you realize that you grappled Madame Chance and flung her bloodied and beaten to the mat. And just when you think she’s dead she gets up again and you have to give one of those Van Damme moves to the jaw-”

Crazy Continuity

In a rare bit of actual continuity, Miles insists to Rose that he’s not being cheap with money again. We all know he was frickin’ frugal in the Season 7 episode “Ro$e Love$ Mile$

St. Olaf Vocab

Rose: “Herring balls?”

Dorothy: “I’m sorry Rose. I’m just sorry.”

Rose: “Oh that’s alright Dorothy, not everybody likes them.”

Animal Alert

Rose: “Come on, Dreyfuss. You're always the last one to leave a party. [Dreyfuss barks] What's that? Timmy needs help? I know. You always hate it when I do that.”

Shady Pines, Ma

Sophia: “You know what kills me, the year you locked me up at Shady Pines, she roamed around free.”

Dorothy: “Look, I'm sorry, Ma, I don't like to keep secrets.” 

Sophia: “Oh, like when you kept the secret you were taking me to Shady Pines?” 

Dorothy: “Ma, I swear I didn't sleep more than seven hours that night.”

Brooklyn: A Fairyland

Sophia: “Leap year? Full moon? Oh my god, the curse!”

Dorothy: “Ma, it’s the 90s you can call it what it is. Our monthly visitor.”

Sophia: “No, the curse of the strega. It was a curse laid on you by Lena Pascerelli, our village witch.”

Dorothy: “What village? I was born in Brooklyn.”

Sophia: “Here’s a newsflash, witches can fly.”

Dorothy: “Why did she curse me?”

Sophia: “I don’t know, maybe because you gave her the cold that eventually killed her. The point is, on her deathbed she laid a curse on you. ‘Beware the leap year’s full moon.’”

Dorothy: “That’s it, that’s the curse?”

Sophia: “What did you expect, poetry? The woman was on her deathbed, give her a break. So now there are three tasks I must perform before tomorrow’s moonrise. Or you are doomed.”

Dorothy: “And the three tasks are?”

Sophia: “Kiss a fool, help a holy man, reveal betrayal of a loved one.”

Zbornak Zingers

Rose: “Girls I did it again, I won another giveaway!”

Dorothy: “Oh what did you win this time a vasectomy?”

Insult Watch

Sophia: “Barbara, you’ve always been like a daughter to me Barbara.”

Carol: “I’m Carol.”

Sophia: “Oh yeah, the whiny one.”

Sophia: “Don't try to stop me, Dorothy. This curse is bigger than both of us. Well, bigger than me.”

Sassy Sophia

Blanche: “Dorothy would you please check my list and see if I forgot to invite anybody to my moonlight madness party?”

Dorothy: “Sure…. The women. You invited twelve men and no women.”

Blanche: “Now Dorothy, I know what you’re thinking, but Rose and Sophia are coming you’ll have somebody to talk to.”

Sophia: “No fair I had to talk to her the last time!”

Sophia: “Maybe the paperboy is right. I'm just a mean old lady.”

Back in St. Olaf

Rose: “I’m gonna have an old-fashioned St. Olaf wedding. Dorothy, you’re my best friend, will you be my maid of honor?”

Dorothy: “Oh Rose I… wait a minute I wont have to wear horns or one of those metal brassieres will I?”

Rose: “Oh, no Dorothy. I’m the one that’s getting married.”

Dorothy: “Then I’d love to.”

Best of B.E.D.

Blanche: “Well, you know this necklace is a priceless heirloom. It belonged to my Grammy. I’ve only worn it three times in my whole life, and each occasion marked the beginning of a passionate romance. And tonight, I’ve decided to wear it with clothes.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose

Dorothy: “What did you win?”

Rose: “A free prostate check. Who’s stupid now?”

Dorothy: “You are.”

Rose: “Yeah. Stupid all the way to the bank.”

Rose: “A tossed salad can outwit me? Will someone please tell me what that's supposed to mean?”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal

Dorothy: “Oh come on Ma, that’s superstitious nonsense. You know, step on a crack break your mother’s back it doesn't work. I know. I tried.”

Dorothy: “Oh this is just crazy and wonderful and calls for a toast. To Miles and Rose! And poor, lonely Blanche.”

Dorothy: “Rose is a wonderful woman, she’s so loving and caring. Alright so she’s not perfect. So she has a few faults.”

Miles: “Like what?”

Dorothy: “SHE’S MADDENING! St. Olaf stories, sock puppets. And she’s so cheerful in the morning that you just wanna take your grapefruit and shove it in her face. Hard. As hard as she can stand it.”

Miles: “Boy, I’d like to see who was runner-up for maid of honor.”

Literary Intelligentsia

Sophia: “Technically Rose isn’t a fool. She’s a simpleton.”

Blanche: “Whats the difference?”

Sophia: “How can I explain it. Fools read ‘Dear Abby.’ Simpletons read ‘Ann Landers.’ It’s a fine line.”

Dorothy: “You’re crazy and wonderful the way you should be. It’s like Puck says in A Midsummer Night’s Dream when it comes to love: ‘Lord, what fools these morals be.’”

Dorothy: “What a night. Doesn't it feel as though we just woke from a dream? You know, it really has been like Shakespeare, with magic and moonlight and the wrong people falling in love. I mean, what does Puck say in the last speech from A Midsummer Night's Dream? ‘If we shadows have offended, Think but this, and all is mended, That you have but slumbered here While these visions did appear. And this weak and idle theme, No more yielding but a dream.’”

Sophia: “Well, pardon me while I play the grand piano.”

Reel References

Sophia: “I havent been hit on like this since I stopped hanging out at the midnight show of Harold & Maude.”

Blanche: “You mean men are coming onto you?”

Sophia: “Yeah, one guy told me he thought wrinkles were sexy. I took him out to the garage where he could see me under the fluorescents.” 

Dorothy: “It was just a little kiss.”

Sophia: “Little kiss? I haven't seen that kind of face eating since Silence of the Lambs.”

Golden Quotes

Blanche: “Dorothy, tonight’s a full moon. A night when men’s passions, like the tides, are pulled to their highest achingly unbearable peak. 

Dorothy: “Oh come on Blanche, you really think a full moon can do all that.”

Blanche: “Well just in case, I’m also filling a watermelon with tequila. But it’s not just a full moon, Dorothy, it’s a leap year’s full moon. Anything can happen. All your dreams can come true if you just believe. All you have to do is believe.”

Dorothy: “Oh I do believe! I do believe in sluts!” 

Blanche: “Dorothy, do you think this necklace complements my bosom?”

Dorothy: “Blanche, if that necklace could cheer, I’m sure it would.”

Rose: “I think I’ll just go to my room, take a couple of aspirin, turn out the lights, and... wait for the voices.”

Sophia: “Dorothy has her own allure. She’s confident. Men are attracted to a confident woman. Oh God I can never keep a straight face!”

Rose: “Actually, I’ve very tired. I dreamed all last night that I was a car muffler. And when I woke up this morning I was exhausted! Hahahaha!”

Blanche: “Look Carol, now I’m gonna be honest here. I took great pains with this guest list, and frankly there’s room here for only one young attractive female.”

Carol: “Ooo, then I just got in under the wire.”

Miles: “Boy look at that great shining orb. You know it’s hard to believe it’s been hanging there for millions of years long before man even came to be. It controls the tides, affects the weather. Without the moon the earth would be a barren, stagnant uninhabitable planet, Rose. It gives life, Rose.”

Rose: “It’s a big rock you know?”

Rose: “You know where I wanna go?”

Miles: “Where?”

Rose: “Paris.”

Miles: “Rose! You know what roundtrip bus tickets to Paris, Texas costs??”

Rabbi: “A blessing for the couple!”

Dorothy: “You invited a rabbi to a moonlight madness party?”

Rabbi: “May God bless and – OY!” 

Sophia: “Oh look a holy man in need of help. Let me help you oh holy man.”

Sophia [seeing Dorothy and Miles kissing]: “Hello, Judas.”

Sophia: “I've worked my butt off for you. I kissed a fool, I helped a holy man, and I witnessed the betrayal of a loved one. That's a lot of work for a woman who nods off all day on the couch.”

Sophia: “I'm doing this for your own good.” 

Dorothy: “For my own good? The last time you said that you volunteered me for psychological experiments.” 

Sophia: “Hey, the pay was good. And to this day nobody, nobody can make it through a maze faster than you can.” 

Rose: “Dorothy, where's the cheese?”

Dorothy: “Right turn, left turn, right turn. Must find the cheese. Must find the cheese.”

Dorothy: “Uh, let's say that uh you make Miles a batch of your delicious creamy cupcakes. And he loves them so much that he wants you to make them all the time.” 

Rose: “Miles does have a sweet tooth.” 

Dorothy: “But let's say that even though he loves your cupcakes more than life itself, one day he decides to try somebody else's cupcakes. For lack of a better example, let's say, my cupcakes. And I, in a mad, passionate moment, uh, forget myself and let him try my cupcakes. How would that make you feel?” 

Rose: “I'd like to think I'd understand.”

Rose: “I'm sorry. It's just the idea of Miles wanting to try your cupcakes.” 

Dorothy: “Why is that funny?” 

Rose: “No offense, Dorothy, but your cupcakes are dry and tasteless. Nobody ever likes your cupcakes. 

Dorothy: “My cupcakes are moist and delicious. Men love my cupcakes.”

Rose: “Get a clue, Dorothy. Men would rather pay for cupcakes.” 

Dorothy: “Let me tell you something, you Swedish meatball, I've... wait, wait a minute. You're actually talking about cupcakes, aren't you?” 

Rose: “You bet I'm talking about cupcakes. What are you talking about? Wait a minute. Have you and Miles been baking together??”

Blanche: “Oh, Dorothy, it's finally happened. I have met the man of my dreams. My reason for livin'. My soul mate. Oh, Dorothy, I feel as if I've known him for all eternity. 

Dorothy: “Oh, honey, what is his name? 

Blanche: “Derek, somethin'. Oh, Dorothy, he's so classy. He's English. You know what that means? 

Dorothy: “You've completed your ‘Men of Western Europe’ collection.”

Blanche: “Oh, please, God, let him get caught. Let him go to jail. Let him rot and die in some filthy cell with the rats gnawin' at his eyes.”

Dorothy: “You know, when you pray, the kitchen almost becomes a chapel.”

Sophia: “I saw Dorothy and Miles kissing. I said, I saw Dorothy, your friend, and Miles, your fiance, kissing. Hello? Dorothy. Miles. Lips aflame. They were kissing.”

Rose: “And?” 

Sophia: “And she's pregnant with his love child. What do you mean, ‘And??’”

Derek: “Rose, has anyone ever told you your eyes are as blue as the Mediterranean in summer?” Rose: “No. I've been warned if I cross them, they'll stay that way.”

Rose: “Miles, maybe you did it because you're just a little nervous about us getting married.” Miles: “Well, I am a little.”

Rose: “Well, that's because we're rushing into it for some free honeymoon. Not because we're ready. And, Dorothy, maybe subconsciously, you were trying to block my marriage because you like me living here.”

Dorothy: “Okay.”

Rose: “And, Sophia, maybe you wanted to tell me about Miles and Dorothy kissing because you're just a mean old woman like the paperboy said.”

Sophia: “Okay.”


Anyone else wonder what was on the dirty note Dorothy got from that guy at the party? Probably  something approaching the level of 7b, though we’ll never know. But I digress. I have to mention first that Miles, as far as I can tell, is the closest character to ever say the title of the show’s theme song when he tells Dorothy “I wanna thank you for being a good friend.” But anyways, I’d like to think that those 90s teen movies that found inspiration from the works of Shakespeare and other classic literature (ie Clueless, 10 Things I Hate About You, etc) actually exist because of this episode which is obviously an ode to A Midsummer Night’s Dream (Dorothy literally quotes it twice, not thrice). This is a pretty classic final season episode of The Golden Girls as it was part of an NBC Saturday night “Full Moon Over Miami” crossover event with Empty Nest and Nurses (which is why we get appearances from Carol, Barbara AND Dreyfuss). The episode doesn’t reach the hilarity of say, “The Case of Libertine Belle” (or even the other crossover episode “The Monkey Show”) but what episode could really? This is the episode with the notorious exchange between Rose and Dorothy about whether Dorothy’s cupcakes are dry and tasteless or moist and delicious (I’m sure they’re a bit of both). Rose’s competitive, angry personality comes to a head when she literally breaks a coffee mug with her bare hand. It’s utterly ridiculous in a perfect Season 7 way. And a random observation: we get to hear Dorothy’s odd pronunciation of the word “PRO-cess” in the second part of the episode. In conclusion, I enjoy the wackiness of this episode even if it all feels a bit stretched a bit thin. But there are some pretty good lines here and fun bits of physical comedy. I could watch Sophia trip that rabbi over and over again and never get sick of it. Every performance here is at an 11 and this episode could only ever exist in the bizarro world of Season 7.  GRADE: B+


Thursday, February 4, 2021

Journey to the Center of Attention S7E19

Synopsis: Blanche becomes jealous of Dorothy when she gets all the attention at the Rusty Anchor; Sophia decides to throw her own wake.

80s Flashback
Blanche: “Oh, everybody, here's Myrtle! Oh, Myrtle, thank goodness you got here. You're just the person we need to liven up this party. Do some of those impressions you're so good at.”
Myrtle: “Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!”
Blanche: “Jimmy Swaggart, right? That's just wonderful. Do another one.”
Myrtle: “The last time I saw her she was fine. I didn't even know she was sick. What happened?”
Blanche: “Wait, don't tell me. Uh, Claus von Bulow??”

Musical Moments
Guy at piano: “You sing, don't you?” 
Dorothy: “A little.” 
Guy at piano: “Great. Uh, how about some Irving Berlin? Blue Skies? Always?” 
Dorothy: “Maybe, maybe some other time.”
Guy at piano: “What'll I Do?” 
Dorothy: “D flat is good for me. What'll I do?/...away/And I am blue/What'll I do?/What'll I do/When I am wondering/Who is kissing you/What'll I do?/What'll I do/With just a photograph/To tell my troubles to?/When I'm alone/With only dreams of you/That won't come true/What'll I do?…What'll I do/With just a photograph/To tell my troubles to?/When I'm alone/With only dreams of you/That won't come true/What'll I do?

Dorothy: “They call her hard-hearted Hannah/The vamp of Savannah/Meanest gal in town/Now, leather is tough/But Hannah's heart is tougher/She's a gal who likes to see men suffer.”
Bartender: “What's the matter, Blanche? You seem upset. Is anything wrong?”
Blanche: “Oh, no. No big deal. Just one little thing. I feel like I've died and gone to hell.”
Dorothy: “She's hard-hearted Hannah/The vamp of Savannah, GA!

Blanche: “Boys, I have a little surprise for you.” 
Man at bar: “Yeah, yeah, we know. You're not wearing a bra.”
Blanche: “No. No, I'm gonna saaaang. For all my special friends here at the Rusty Anchor. This one’s for you. Hit it Ron. I wanna be loved by you/Just you/And nobody else but you/I wanna be loved by you/Alone/Boop-boop-ba-doo/I wanna be kissed by you, just you/And nobody else but you/I wanna be kissed by you/Alone/I couldn't aspire/To anything higher/Than your desire/To make you my own/Ba-bop-bee-da boop-boop-dee-doo/I wanna be loved by you/Just you/And nobody else but you/I wanna be loved by you/Alone/Boop-boop-a-doop! Hi, handsome. What's your name?” 
Guy at piano: “His name's Don, and he just had hip surgery.”
Blanche: “Well, hello, big boy. Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? I wanna be loved by you/Just you and nobody else but you/I wanna be loved by you...”

St. Olaf Vocab
Rose: “Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you took several of my tasty, delicious, lutefisk puffs and you've hardly touched them.”
Woman at wake: “Uh, I just don't care for them.”
Rose: “Yeah, well, that's an ugly hat.”

Insult Watch
Blanche: “I cannot watch you spend one more night like this. You're coming with me to the Rusty Anchor.” 
Dorothy: “Oh, Blanche, I told you, I am so uncomfortable with strangers.”
Blanche: “Now, now, don't blame yourself. They're just as uncomfortable with you.”

Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “I don't believe it. My Dorothy is popular. After 60 years of bargaining with God, it's finally happened. Per our agreement, I'm off to Calcutta to work with the poor.”

Best of B.E.D.
Guy at bar: “Hey, Blanche. How's life?” 
Blanche: “Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearin' no underwear!”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Blanche: “Rose, listen, I want you to think now, very carefully. When you sent out those invitations, you did remember to tell everyone Sophia's really alive, didn't you?” 
Rose: “Blanche, I'm offended. How dumb do you think I am? I put it... I made the freaking hors d'oeuvres. Leave me alone.”

Sophia: “Rose, you forgot to tell these people I was alive, didn't you?” 
Rose: “And I made the freaking punch, and I made the freaking decorations.”

From Feud to Food
“I even know a way we can save some money. I'll make the hors d'oeuvres.”
“Some wake. Scandinavian crap on a cracker. I mean, thank you.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Blanche: “I have a little exercise I do whenever my self-esteem's kind of low. I say my name and then I list three positive things about myself. ‘I'm Blanche Devereaux. I'm beautiful, men find me desirable, and people want to be my friend.’ Go on now, you try.”
Dorothy: “I'm Dorothy Zbornak. I'm beautiful, men find me desirable, and people wanna be my friend.” 
Blanche: “I'm sorry I confused you, honey. You're supposed to say three positive things that apply to you. You know, like you could say, ‘I'm Dorothy Zbornak. I'm a good speller, and I'm,uh I'm very prompt and, um...’ Well, actually, there's... there's no law that says there has to be three.”
Dorothy: “Actually, I just thought of a third one: I can snap a friend's neck like a twig.”

Reel References
Bartender: “Hey, Dorothy, what's your pleasure?” 
Dorothy: “Claude Akins on a waterbed.”

The Boob Tube
Blanche: “Dorothy, what are you doing?”
Dorothy: “I'm watching Amazing Discoveries. Look at that. The thing just shucks the corn off the cob. It just shucks it off.”

Golden Quotes
Rose: “Oh, girls, we just went to Doug Kirkpatrick's wake. It was the greatest!”
Sophia: “I can't remember when I had so much fun. Those Irishmen. They even laid out Doug's body in the living room.”
Blanche: “Oh, that sounds morbid.”
Rose: “I didn't have a problem with it till one of the relatives got drunk and started slow dancing with the corpse. But even then it was surprisingly touching.”
Blanche: “And speaking of being touched, it's nickel beer night at the Rusty Anchor. I'm gonna get my purse, you get changed, 'cause we're goin'.
Dorothy: “Oh, Blanche, what if no one there wants to talk to me? What if nobody asks me to dance?”
Blanche: “Now, Dorothy, think, if there's somebody out there who is willin' to dance with a corpse, there's somebody willin' to dance with you!”

Bar patron: “Your friend's pretty good.”
Blanche: “Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not wearing a bra.”

Sophia: “Dorothy, how would you like to go to a wake next Friday?” 
Dorothy: “Ma, you know how I feel about those things. They're so sad and depressing. Whose wake is it anyway?” 
Sophia: “Mine.” 
Dorothy: “What time?”

Rose: “No, she's serious. Next Friday Sophia's gonna throw her own wake. Food, drinks, music. The only difference will be she'll be alive. God willing.”

Dorothy: “Oh, come on, come on. Boys, boys, boys! I am woman enough for all of you.”
Blanche: “This is the point in my dream where I usually wake up screamin'.”

Blanche: “And the good news is that Sophia's still with us. So, now you have the chance to tell her how you really feel about her.”
Myrtle: “I'll go first. Sophia, I drove 30 miles and missed a day of work just to be here. I think it's very selfish of you not to be dead.”
Eva: “And I missed... Well, actually, I didn't have anything planned for today, but I'm still p.o.'d.”

Sophia: “But I still wish my wake hadn't been such a disaster.” 
Rose: “Well, look on the bright side. You'll have another one.”

Blanche: “I just have to keep reminding myself, I am Blanche Devereaux. I am beautiful, men find me desirable, and my life is over.”
Rose: “Boy, when the mask falls off, it really makes a thud.”

Rose, picking up microphone: “Two Jews, an Arab, and a priest walk into a bar...”

Dorothy: “Why don't we share? Let's just be sure that we both don't show up on the same night.” 
Blanche: “You mean, like I would come three nights a week, and you come three?” 
Dorothy: “Right. Oh, wait a minute. What about Sunday?” 
Blanche: “Oh, you don't wanna come on a Sunday, Dorothy. The men have been watching football all day long. They're drunk and rowdy...”
Dorothy: “Yeah, you want Sundays, don't you?” 
Blanche: “Pllllease!”

Blanche: “Dorothy, are you ever jealous of me?” 
Dorothy: “Every day of my life. Blanche, why don't we go out there and do a duet?” 
Blanche: “Do you know Cry Me A River?” 
Dorothy: “Uh, no, I don't.” 
Blanche: “Good. We'll do that one.”

Watching this episode in the time of Covid makes me realize how creepy and gross bars truly are. We have pretty much been Dorothy on the couch in the opening of this episode for almost a year now right? But there is something just comforting about getting under the blanket and watching dumb shows (my current obsession is Food Network’s Worst Cooks in America, but I digress). “Journey to the Center of Attention” is great because we finally get a glimpse into the infamous Rusty Anchor bar.  And all I can say is, why would anyone go anywhere with “rusty” in its name without underwear? I guess that’s one for the theologians. I love an episode when the girls get to sing and we get Dorothy’s rendition of “What’ll I Do” and “Hard-Hearted Hannah” and Blanche’s notorious misfire of “I Wanna Be Loved By You.” Rue’s physical comedy timing is brilliant here. And can I just say as a huge fan of spoof movies, I absolutely love the Airplane!-like gag that involves a gun in a guy’s pocket. Meanwhile the B story about Sophia throwing her own wake is full of dark humor as every guest at the wake thinks Sophia is actually dead. And of course they do. IT’S A FREAKING WAKE. Why the girls continue to ask Rose to take on so much responsibility is beyond me. This storyline is pretty silly but rather grounded considering what other season seven plots have included. It is funny watching everyone faint when Sophia comes strolling out. But who sends out invitations to a wake? And who doesn’t look for an obituary? Anyways. Speaking of Airplane!, the lady at Sophia’s wake who had nothing else to do but is still p.o.’d is Ann Nelson who played the hanging lady in that classic comedy and is one of several cast members of that film who have appeared on the show.  GRADE: A-