Synopsis: An old
boyfriend from St. Olaf visits Rose but she can’t remember him;
Sophia meets a man in the personals and gets more than she
bargained for.
Crazy Continuity
Rose says she wasn’t
allowed to start dating until she was a senior in high school, but in
an earlier episode she talks about her mother telling her to wait and
get sophisticated and get married at 15 like her sisters.
Also, Rose allegedly
brought 56 men to a fevered pitch of uncontrollable ecstasy and yet
she never saw a man’s penis until her wedding night with Charlie?
Sure, Jan.
Lewd Ladies
Dorothy: “Marvin,
what the hell is going on here?”
Sophia: “Isn't it
obvious? They put an ad in the magazine to lure an unsuspecting cutie
like me into their web of sex games. They want me to be their love
slave!”
Zbornak Zingers
Dorothy: “Our
hearts go out to both of you, and as soon as Ma and I have talked,
we'll get back to you.”
Sarah: “So you'll
seriously consider this?”
Dorothy: “Well, of
course, we will. How could we not? [closes door] WHAT A
PAIR OF LOONS!”
Insult Watch
Blanche: “Rose,
you remembered. A kiss unlocked your memory.”
Rose: “One doesn't
forget a kiss like that.”
Blanche: “Oh,
that's so romantic.”
Rose: “No, it
isn't. That man didn't know how to kiss 40 years ago, and he doesn't
know how to kiss today.”
Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “Play hard
to get. Play hard to get. Play hard to get. Take me here. Take me
now!”
Rose: “Sophia,
don't you think you might be rushing things?”
Sophia: “Please!
The man is 86. Right now, it's a race between me and the blood clot
in his leg to see who gets him first.”
Best of B.E.D.
Rose: “Blanche,
would you mind? We're going to need our privacy.”
Blanche: “Now,
Rose, that's not fair. I want to see you dump him. Well, I let you
watch when I broke up with my last guy.”
Rose: “No, you
didn't.”
Blanche: “Oh,
really? Well, I have it on videotape. Would you like to see it?”
Lesbian. Lesbian?
LESBIAN??
Marvin: “I know
you and your daughter must have a lot of questions.”
Sophia: “You bet
we do. And by the way, Dorothy's not my daughter. She's my lesbian
lover.”
Dorothy: “Ma!”
Sophia: “See,
Marvin? How do you like it? Not a pretty picture, is it?”
Until the Buffalo
Pooped…
Blanche: “Okay,
here's another good one. ‘Recent widower seeks widow. I am
handsome, intelligent, and possess great style. I am also incontinent
but have learned to laugh about it.’”
Sophia: “Well,
that's a keeper.”
Dorothy Zbornak is
My Spirit Animal
Dorothy: [opening the door to Sarah and Marvin] “I'm sorry, but I
already know Jesus.”
Literary
Intelligentsia
Blanche: “Sophia,
listen, how about this one? ‘Elderly white male with broken hip
seeks elderly white female. I am into massages, bran muffins, and the
book Final Exit. Please respond quickly, or I'll do it, I
swear I will!’”
Sophia: “Too much
pressure. Moving on.”
Golden Quotes
Dorothy: “What is
going on here?”
Sophia: “I'm
looking through the personals to find myself a man. Remember what
that is, Dorothy? It's an animal, kind of like a woman, except that
it's got a-”
Dorothy: “Ma!”
Sophia: “Hey,
listen to this. ‘Older gentleman seeks lady of refinement. I like
moonlit nights, romantic Italian dinners and waking up in the
morning. If you're old enough to remember when Sinatra was skinny,
please send letter and photo.’ This is the one. He's perfect. I
found myself a man.”
Rose: “Boy, it's
finally beginning to happen. I'm getting old and forgetting things,
forgetting people who, at one time, were important to me.”
Sophia: “Don't be
ridiculous. You're as mentally fit as you ever were. We all are.”
Rose: “Oh, thank
you...”
Sophia: “Sophia.”
Rose: “Sophia!”
Sophia: “You're
welcome...”
Rose: “Rose.”
Sophia: “Rose!”
Dorothy: “Any
wonder we get nursing-home brochures by the truckload?”
Sophia: “The guy
from the ad will be here any second. How do I look?”
Dorothy: “Ma, you
forgot to zip up your dress.”
Sophia: “I didn't
forget. He's probably got arthritis. Why make it any harder?”
Blanche: “All
right, now, Sophia, remember, honey, play hard to get. It drives a
man crazy.”
Dorothy: “Read
that somewhere, did you?”
Rose: “I haven't
the slightest idea who that man is.”
Dorothy: “Rose,
what is wrong with you? I mean, why didn't you just tell him that you
don't know who he is?”
Rose: “And hurt an
old friend? Boy, Dorothy, no wonder nobody likes you.”
Sophia: “Are you
Marvin from the ad?”
Sarah: “Yes, he
is. And are you Sophia?”
Sophia: “Well, he
doesn't look like he'll kill me. Yeah, I'm Sophia, and only one
little question remains. Who the hell are you??”
Sophia: “No
visible means of life support. I like that in a man. Let's roll.”
Dorothy: “You
know, I always hoped my mother would meet a nice couple.”
Rose: “What's your
definition of a boyfriend?”
Blanche: “Any man
you bring to a fevered pitch of uncontrollable ecstasy.”
Rose: “Oh…
Fifty-six.”
Blanche: “Excuse
me?”
Rose: “I had about
56 boyfriends. Of course, that was before I knew Charlie. I probably
would of had more, but I wasn't allowed to start dating until I was a
senior.”
Blanche: “Fifty-six?
Fifty-six?”
Dorothy: “Oh God,
stand back. She's gonna blow!”
Rose: “Hey, you
can have a boyfriend without having to go all the way.”
Blanche: “You
cannot! If that were true, Rose, that would mean you were a slut.”
Dorothy: “Oh, come
on, Blanche, how can you say that? So the woman had 56 boyfriends in
one year. She's not a slut.”
Blanche: “Thank
you, Dorothy.”
Dorothy: “She is
THEE slut. She's the Grand Pooh-Bah of Slutdom. She's the easiest
woman in this room.”
Blanche: “Dorothy
Zbornak, you take that back.”
Dorothy: “The slut
is dead. Long live the slut.”
Sophia, entering the
kitchen: “Okay, listen up. I've got man trouble, and I need advice
from someone with experience.”
Blanche: “I'll be
happy to help-”
Sophia: “I hear
you're a tramp, Rose.”
Rose: “Mama was
right, word gets around fast.”
Dorothy: “Listen,
Ma, I have an idea. Why don't I go and pick up Marvin, bring him
here, and that way, the two of you can be alone?”
Rose: “And Blanche
and Thor and I will be out on the lanai, so you'll have the living
room all to yourselves.”
Sophia: “You're
all willing to do this?”
Dorothy: “Well, of
course. Now, come on, let's go pick out the teeth you'll wear
tonight.”
Sophia: “I just
want you to know, Marvin, since this is our fourth date, I wouldn't
blame you if you tried to steal a little kiss.”
Marvin: “That's
because you're very understanding.”
Sophia: “Maybe I'm
being a little too subtle here. Give me your hand, Marvin. Now, what
do you feel?”
Marvin: “A
MedicAlert tag?”
Sophia: “It's my
heart. Can't you feel it pounding?”
Dorothy: “Would
anyone here care for an-”
Sophia: “Get out!
Get out! Get out!”
Sophia: “Dorothy,
you can come in now.”
Dorothy: “I
thought the two of you would like some nice, cool lemonade.”
Sophia: “Marvin is
married to Sarah.”
Dorothy: “You
don't get any lemonade.”
Sarah: “Hi, I've
come to pick up my brother.”
Sophia: “Well, if
it isn't Mrs. Caligula. Come on in and pull up a whip!”
Dorothy: “Why did
you lie to my mother?”
Sarah: “I didn't
want to lie. We were going to tell the truth as soon as we were sure
that Sophia was the one we wanted.”
Dorothy: “Then it
is true! You wanted my mother for sex games! Oh, God, this is
so unbelievable.”
Sophia: “It's not
that unbelievable.”
Thor: “Oh, I I
feel so stupid, so incredibly stupid. Do you know what it's like to
feel this stupid??”
[Blanche laughs,
Rose pushes the door into Blanche’s face]
Blanche: “Ow!”
Dorothy: “I guess
we've all learned something from this.”
Sophia: “Yeah, you
can never really replace someone you've lost, and the next time I
answer an ad, it'll be from one of Blanche's magazines. Those people
know what they want!”
Critique: This
episode is hands down an
orgy of fantastically funny
GG quotes. So as it turns
out the big twist in this episode is that Sophia and
Dorothy aren’t mother and
daughter, they’re actually
lesbian lovers! Kidding.
Does anyone
else just LOVE the way Dorothy says, “SEX GAMES??” I
digress. This episode is a
delight from start to finish. It’s got enough of season 7’s
trademarked zaniness but just enough reality to make it not too
outlandish. It’s
relatively restrained by season 7 standards.
I’m not really sure I buy Rose not remembering Thor but then again
we did find out that Rose had
56 boyfriends so who knows!
The fact that Blanche has
nothing to really do this episode except be insulted when Dorothy
says she’s no longer THEE slut is simply too good for words. And
another thing, why is it that when the ladies have guests over,
they always stop over to say hi to the girls for two seconds and then
they go back to the hotel to get settled? Just go to your stupid
hotel, call the girls, and then come over. Jesus. But I digress.
Sophia’s storyline with
Marvin and Sarah is equally cute and weird. But the scene after
Marvin reveals the truth to Sophia is so priceless. And watching
Dorothy’s eyes cross as she exclaims “What a pair of loons!” is
Bea Arthur at her best. I love this episode so much, it’s
definitely deserves a glass of lemonade. GRADE: A