Monday, December 11, 2017

All Bets Are Off S5E24

Synopsis: Dorothy randomly rekindles her gambling addiction at the track; Rose gets into painting; Blanche dates the new curator from the museum.

Let’s Get Political
Dorothy: “I haven't gambled in 15 years. And I didn't put down any bets for myself today, either. It was just nice to know that I could still pick a winner.”
Sophia: “This from a woman who's got a Dukakis bumper sticker covering up her Mondale bumper sticker?”

St. Olaf Vocab
The Last Pancake Breakfast - St. Olaf's most religious painting

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Dorothy: “Look, Ma, I admit that once I did have a small gambling problem.”
Sophia: “A small problem? You bet against your own son's Little League team!”
Dorothy: “Ma, I had to. I knew that their star pitcher had after-school detention.”
Sophia: “You were his teacher, you gave him detention.”

Lewd Ladies
Blanche: “Sophia, I've decided to wear this little watch on a chain, nestled cunningly in my cleavage. What other accessories do I need?”
Sophia: “Implants.”

Zbornak Zingers
Dorothy: “Rose, the truth is... The truth is, I need the money so my mother can have an operation.”
Rose: “Sophia needs an operation?”
Dorothy: “Well, not an actual operation. She's just going to have her face done.”
Rose: “How's she gonna get it done?”
Dorothy: “Southwestern, Rose!”

Insult Watch
Dorothy: “Ma, what are you doing with my resume?”
Sophia: “Punching it up. How's this? '1946-1984: Took part in extensive anthropological research.”
Dorothy: “Why 'anthropological research?'”
Sophia: “Because it's better than saying 'married to a baboon for 38 years'”

Blanche: “Honey, can't you go to the eye doctor tomorrow?”
Sophia: “Please! I can hardly see my own hand in front of my face.”
Blanche: “That's my hand, Sophia.”
Sophia: “Oh, thank God. I saw so many liver spots, I thought I was being attacked by a Dalmatian.”

Product Placement
Rose: “Hi, you guys. What are you doing up?”
Blanche: “Sophia's old, and I'm filled with anxiety.”
Rose: “Blanche, you can't stay home from work forever. Can't you just swallow your pride?”
Sophia: “There's no room for it. She just scarfed down a bag of Chips Ahoy!”

Sassy Sophia
Dorothy: “Blanche! Honey, what's wrong? You're shaking.”
Blanche: “I have been humiliated and degraded.”
Sophia: “Many times. You just figured it out now?”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “I have to get a horse in this picture while it's still fresh in my mind. I don't know whether to paint Old Silver, the horse who brought the news to St. Olaf that the British had no intention of coming, or Old Brisker, the horse who, because of a printing error on the ballot slips, was elected water commissioner for six months.”

Rose: “I think it's impossible to paint autumn in St. Olaf.”
Dorothy: “How come?”
Rose: “Maybe it's because of the horrible St. Olaf falling leaf story.”
Dorothy: “Please, Rose. If this is a story about a man named Leif, I don't wanna hear it.”
Rose: “It's not that long.”
Dorothy: “No.”
Rose: “It has a surprise ending.”
Dorothy: “All right, Rose. Just the ending, but keep it short.”
Rose: “Splat.”

Best of B.E.D.
Rose: “I can't paint a horse from memory.”
Dorothy: “What you need is a model.”
Blanche: “I know a place where you can see a horse. I know a place where you can see horses and lots of little men in silk pants with whips. Or you could go to the racetrack instead.”

Blanche: “Well, I've decided to take Rose's advice. I'm playing hard to get, like that little possum in your story.”
Rose: “Did I mention the part where you hang upside down from the tree?”
Blanche: “I can do that.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Dorothy: “I had a problem 15 years ago. That's a long time. I've learned a little something since then. A lot has happened. And I've lived with the temptations.”
Blanche: “Well, isn't that something? You think you know somebody, then you find out something like this. Hard to believe.”
Rose: “I'll say. To think Dorothy's lived with The Temptations. I've never even been to one of their concerts.”

Until the Buffalo Pooped…
Sophia: “Dorothy, I want to see you in the kitchen.”
Dorothy: “I'm sorry, Ma, I'm a little busy.”
Sophia: “Fine. I'll eat a bowl of chili and we'll talk later, in your bedroom.”
Dorothy: “Coming, Mother.”

What, We Can't Learn From History?
Rose, discussing her paintings: “I call them Winter of St. Olaf, and Spring of St. Olaf, and Summer of St. Olaf.”
Donald Parker Everett: “Why haven't you painted the Fall of St. Olaf?”
Rose: “Because it hasn't happened yet. Although we came pretty close when New Math came along.”

What Do I Look Like, a Cross Dresser?
Sophia: “You can't lie to your mother. Mothers always know when you lie. Don't you think I knew what your brother Phil was doing in the bathroom when he said he was 'oiling his baseball glove?' He was working on his Simplicity patterns.”

Golden Quotes
Blanche: “Ooh, girls, I have a date with the most cultured, urbane, sophisticated man in the whole world!”
Rose: “You know George 'Goober' Lindsey??”

Blanche: “I would lend you my pass to the jockeys' lounge, but you don't want to date a jockey. The sex is over too fast, and afterwards the only nice thing they have to say to you is, 'Good girl, good girl.'”

Sophia: “Dorothy, I spent too many years denying your father's addiction. He was a gambler to his dying day. In fact, his last words were, '10 bucks says I don't need this oxygen tank.'”

Blanche: “Look, I appreciate your concern, Rose, but I will not go into that museum today. I have my dignity. I have my pride.”
Dorothy: “Oh, Blanche, your copy of Slung magazine just arrived.”
Blanche: “Ooo!”

Sophia: “I was going through your purse and look at what I found. Betting slips. You went to the track again. How could you, Dorothy? I spent the best years of my life trying to give you a sense of moral responsibility.”
Dorothy: “Ma, what were you doing in my purse?”
Sophia: “Stealing.”

Blanche: “Rose, what are you doing?”
Rose: “I heard the creative process is a lot like giving birth, so I'm doing my Lamaze breathing.”
Blanche: “Oh. For a minute there, I thought I wasn't the only one with the invisible man fantasy.”

Rose: “You see this little possum in my St. Olaf painting? Well, every year she goes into her mating ritual, and gives off little signals. I mean, she releases a scent, she changes the way she stands, she makes tiny little whistling noises.
Blanche: “I do that.”
Rose: “Yes, but don't you see? That's all she does. I mean, she plays hard to get. And believe me, it works. I mean, men find her very attractive.”
Blanche: “You mean males?”
Rose: “No, I mean men.”

Dorothy: “So then I went up to the podium, and I said, 'My name is Dorothy, and I have a gambling problem.' You know, when I left Gambler's Anonymous 15 years ago, I thought I'd never have to say those words again.”
Rose: “Well, let's hope this time you get cured.”
Dorothy: “Ah, you're never really cured, Rose. You just have to learn to live each day just one day at a time.”
Rose: “Well, of course you do, Dorothy. I mean if you took them two at a time you'd end up constantly changing your underwear.”
Sophia: “Go ahead, stand up and say it. 'My name is Rose, and I'm an idiot.'”

I'm pretty confident that the entire plot of this episode was built around the joke about The Temptations. Like the writers were all brainstorming one day and one of them says, “Hey wouldn't it be funny if Dorothy says something about living with the temptations of an addiction, and then Rose thinks she's talking about The Temptations.” But I digress. Yes Dorothy's story here is ridiculous, but what sitcom plot isn't ridiculous five years into its successful run? This isn't even the most preposterous plotline. Is it any crazier than Dorothy wanting to be a comedian?? At least there are some good jokes here and they don't go out of their way to be sappy or corny. And the insults, oh the insults! Sophia is pretty vicious here, calling Blanche a human mattress (accurate) and Rose a human speed bump (very accurate). So what if Dorothy's character is a little…. out of character? Ok this episode is kind of goofy, but at least we get brief glimpses of Rose's allegedly amazing paintings that look like they were done by a ten year old. I guess if you're gonna paint like a child, it helps to have the mind of a child. Lastly, for those into such things, this is the final episode of frequent GG director Terry Hughes. Many have noted that the series wasn't quite the same without him. We shall see. Note: I've added a new category called “Until the Buffalo Pooped...” for all potty humor related jokes. GRADE: B+


  1. Continuity issue, kind of. In the episode(s) where Sophia marries Max Weinstock, Max says that Sal was so ashamed about gambling away the profits to the pizza/knish stand that he never gambled another day in his life. Of course Sophia's "last words" line here isn't totally terrible, but might there be a way to explain the at least slight contradiction?

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