Friday, May 25, 2018

Ebbtide’s Revenge S6E12

Synopsis: Dorothy’s brother Phil dies and a conflict between Sophia and Phil’s wife comes to a head.

90s Flashback
Dorothy: “Father Salerno, Angela was worried that my mother might have given you the wrong idea about what kind of man my brother Phil was.”
Father Salerno : “Not to worry. The good Lord has given me a sixth sense, so to speak. I can tell a lot about a person just by looking at them… [Looks at Phil] What can I say about Philip Petrillo? He was… special. Very special. Yeah, a man doesn't get any more special than this. Wait a minute, is this one of those hidden video things??”

Crazy Continuity
If Dorothy was a real friend she would know if Rose had ever given a eulogy. You'll recall from “Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself” that Rose proclaims speaking to crowds is her biggest fear and had to eulogize her Aunt Gretchen. Then again Dorothy was drunk on champagne at the time so her memory is likely foggy and Rose did once give a eulogy to Lenny Linderflot so that’s all irrelevant.

Also, in "A Little Romance" Sophia visits Phil and says that "my son married a welder." Something tells me that Angela has never welded anything before. 

Zbornak Zingers
Dorothy: “I'm so nervous. Have you ever given a eulogy?”
Rose: “You mean at a funeral?”
Dorothy: “No Rose, at a pie-eating contest.”

Insult Watch
Sophia: “I'm OK. I'm fine. I don't wanna talk about it.”
Rose: “You know, I saw a lot of this when I worked at the grief center. You're angry about Phil's death and that's normal. But you shouldn't be angry with Angela. You know, I think you haven't cried because you haven't accepted his death yet.”
Sophia: “Thank you. I've never been psychoanalyzed by a dipstick before.”

Product Placement
Dorothy: “Angela, I wish you wouldn't rush right back to Newark after the funeral. Why don’t you stay at the house for a couple of days?”
Angela: “I gotta get back to work. I was just promoted. Chief make-over artist in the cosmetic department at Bamberger's.”
Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “I was asked to say a few words at Lenny Linderflot's funeral once. Everybody thought we were good friends, 'cause all through school, he sat right in front of me because we were in alphabetical order. But in reality, all I knew about Lenny was what the back of his head looked like.”
Dorothy: “So, uh, what did you say?”
Rose: “I loved the back of Lenny Linderflot's head. He had the back of the head of an honest man. And after seeing him face-up in the casket today, not a bad-looking guy either.”

Rose: “Now, I know no one wants to hear one of my stories right now.”
Dorothy: “That's usually a pretty safe bet, Rose.”
Rose: “But you need to know about my cousin Ingmar. Ingmar was different. He used to do bird imitations.”
Blanche: “What's wrong with that?”
Rose: “Well, let's just say you didn't want to park your car under their oak tree. No, Ingmar was different. His mother used to say he brought shame to the house of Hausenfeffershtuledunker. Anyway, you're all wondering where this story is going, so I'll skip the part where he ran up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs—”
Dorothy: “Rose, you're not skipping!!”
Rose: “Sorry. The point is, it was shame that kept Aunt Katrina from loving slow Ingmar. And it ruined her life. Oh, don't let that happen to you, Sophia. Let go of the shame. So what if he was different? It's OK that you loved him.”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Well, isn't it obvious? Veiled, shapely creatures, unknown to the family, coming to say one last secret goodbye to their special friend.”
Dorothy: “You mean??”
Blanche: “That's right. Sluts.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Rose: “You know what I think?”
Blanche: “That reindeer really know how to fly?”

Lesbian. Lesbian? LESBIAN??
Sophia: “Dorothy, I never understood why your brother wore women's clothes, unless he was queer.”
Blanche: “Sophia, people don't say queer anymore. They say gay.”
Sophia: “They say gay if a guy can sing the entire score of ‘Gigi.’ But a six-foot-three, 200-pound married man with kids who likes to dress up like Dorothy Lamour? I think you have to go with queer.”

From Feud to Food
Dorothy: “Oh, Ma, don't you think this feud between you and Angela has gone on long enough?”
Sophia: “It's 26 years. In Sicily that's not a feud. In Sicily people scream at each other for centuries, and they throw pasta at each other. Pasta and sauce. Rich sauce with delicious seafood. Mussels, shrimp…Wait a minute. I think I switched from feud to food.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Dorothy: “All right, the little witch is ready to apologize for everything.”
Angela: “She said that?”
Dorothy: “In her own old-world way, yes.”

What, We Can’t Learn From History?
Dorothy: “I just wanna say a few words to give the man some dignity and show him a little respect.”
Blanche [in a bright red dress]: “Ready?”
Dorothy: “To run with the bulls in Pamplona??”

What Do I Look Like, a Cross-Dresser?
Dorothy: “I mean, a man goes out to buy himself an evening gown, you don't expect anything unusual, do you?”
Blanche & Rose: “No.”
Dorothy: “Heart attack at his age. You know, I spoke to him just a couple weeks ago, he was fine. He said he'd put on some weight, but to die trying on knockoffs at Big Gals Pay Less. It's just all so sad.”

Sophia: “What's with Satan's secretary?”
Blanche: “Sophia, I believe Phil would have liked this dress.”
Sophia: “Liked it? He would have looked great in it.”

Literary Intelligentsia
Dorothy [eulogizing Phil]: “If he'd had that wisdom, he could have shared it with me and I would have known the hundreds of memories I have of just the two of us - eating ice cream on the stoop of our building, or going through the drawers at Grandma's house, or dressing up like the Bronte sisters. How those memories fill me with joy.”

The Boob Tube
Blanche: “He looks very peaceful and natural.”
Dorothy: “As natural as a man can look wearing a black teddy.”
Rose: “It's a beautiful teddy. I think more men should be buried in teddies.”
Dorothy: “I've got to remember, it's not the clothes that make the man, it's the man that makes the clothes. Oh God, he looks like he died in a Benny Hill sketch!”

Golden Quotes
Angela: “I can't believe they came all the way from Newark.”
Dorothy: “You know them?”
Angela: “Phil tried to keep them a secret, but I knew he was spending his Thursday nights with them.”
Blanche: “Oh, I know it's hard, but try not to hate 'em, my dear. They're just lonely creatures who were reaching out to another person for a little warmth.”
Angela: “These are the guys from Phil's poker game.”
Blanche: “This is too funny. I have to get my camera from the car.”

Angela: “OK. I'll come. Maybe I could show Blanche how to correctly apply her makeup.”
Dorothy: “I'd like that.”
Angela: “Although she might be offended if I bring it up.”
Dorothy: “Yeah, that's the part I like.”

Dorothy: “Oh, look. Here's one of Phil when he was 17.”
Angela: “Oh! He looks so handsome. Oh, I don't think I ever saw him in a tuxedo. When was this, his prom?”
Dorothy: “Halloween.”

Dorothy: “Hi, Ma. Did you have a nice walk?”
Sophia: “Yeah.”
Dorothy: “Ma, where'd you get the skateboard??”
Sophia: “Oh, yeah. I guess there's some kid at the park with an umbrella.”

Sophia: “Your dowry check bounced.”
Angela: “What dowry check??”
Sophia: “Your father gave us a check for two million when we agreed to let you marry Phil.”
Blanche: “Two million dollars for Phil? Wasn't exactly a buyer's market, was it?”

Rose: “My father offered a dowry, and Charlie wouldn't take it.”
Blanche: “Oh, maybe that's because he knew eventually those beans would stop jumpin'.”

What can I say about Philip Petrillo? Except that he’s one of The GG’s most mysterious characters. We never get to see Phil but that’s part of the joke because they always refer to him as being a heterosexual married man who likes to cross dress. I guess it was the show’s decent attempt at inclusion and progressiveness and even though it mostly functioned as a punchline it was handled rather well. He was certainly one of the most popular characters heard about but never seen (I’d argue the other would be Rose’s dead husband Charlie). This is a standout Season 6 episode. The show has always had fun playing with comedy in dramatic situations, none more so than at a funeral the dourest of places. But this episode is FUNNY. The jokes about Phil, even though he’s dead, come fast and loose and everyone is in top form especially the script which is filled with zinger after zinger. Sure it makes no real sense that Phil, who was raised in New York and lived in New Jersey would ever be buried in Miami but that’s not even the series’ worst burning question. While extremely funny, this is the only other episode besides the finale that can actually bring a tear to my eye. When Sophia stands up to give her monologue about Phil that ends with her crying out “My baby is gone,” it’s water works time. It’s arguably Estelle Getty’s best piece of acting in the entire series. Fun fact, the department store Bambergers, headquartered in New Jersey, officially changed its name to Macy’s in 1986, so I don’t know where Angela thinks she got a promotion… GRADE: A

Monday, May 14, 2018

Stand By Your Man S6E11

Synopsis: Blanche hesitantly dates a man in a wheelchair; Rose keeps one of Dreyfuss’ puppies.

80s Flashback
Blanche: “Girls, I just don't know what I am gonna do about Mr. Ted Tanner.”
Sophia: “If the man wants to colorize movies, let him colorize movies. It's show business, for God's sake.”

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Blanche: “You're a sports agent? Hey I bet we know some of the same people. I was one of the first women ever allowed in the Miami Dolphins' locker room.”
Ted: “Reporter?”
Blanche: “Photographer.”

…Until the Buffalo Pooped
Rose: “You like having them over too, don't you, Sophia?”
Sophia: “Yeah, I like 'em.”
Dorothy: “That's because it temporarily shifts the blame if we find a puddle on the floor.”
Sophia: “Once, Nurse Ratched, once.”

Animal Alert
Sophia: “Oh, great, we gotta live with a sad-eyed, hyperactive nuisance with the intelligence of a squeaky toy. And now she's got a dog.”

Shady Pines, Ma
Dorothy: “Oh, by the way Ma, when I was at the library, they said your library card had expired five years ago.”
Sophia: “Really? Where could I have been? Oh yeah, locked in an old-age home.”

Lewd Ladies
Sophia: “Andy took me home in the limo, and boy did we have fun. I figured out why they call it a moon roof.”

Blanche: “I just don't want that dog making a big mess. He's already been into my personal things.”
Rose: “Well maybe we should get him some rubber toys.”
Blanche: “They do seem to be his preference.”

Picture It
Blanche: “We Southern families stick together.”
Sophia: “We sho' do.”
Ted: “Well, I suppose it's been nice having someone look after you since you were young.”
Sophia: “I had to. When she was 15, I caught her under a pile of hillbillies. Picture it - me with a crowbar prying cousins off left and right.”

Sophia: “Please! Just because a man's in a wheelchair doesn't mean he can't satisfy a woman.”
Dorothy: “What do you know about this, Ma?”
Sophia: “Picture it - Sicily, 1914. A man in a wheelchair satisfies a woman. It's a short story, but I think it makes my point.”

Brooklyn: A Fairy Land
Dorothy: “Of course I had a pet. Remember, Ma? I was six years old, and I wanted a pony?”
Sophia: “Not the pony thing again.”
Dorothy: “She promised me a pony. She swore I'd get a pony. She brings me a little paper bird on a stick from the circus. You know the kind that you have to twirl around your head to get them to tweet.”
Rose: “And that was your pet?”
Sophia: “They're very clean.”
Dorothy: “Then she tells me if I'm a good girl, a really good girl, God will turn that paper bird into a real one, which I believed, because why would a mother lie? So every day, I'm being very good and praying and looking for any sign of life and becoming very attached to that ridiculous paper bird. So you can imagine my heartbreak when one morning I find it dead.”
Rose: “How does a paper bird die?”
Dorothy: “Good question. Someone used it to restart the pilot light.”

Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: “Well, I do not believe it. Saturday, and I don't have a date. Do you fathom what this means?” Dorothy: “That the jailbreak is off?”

Insult Watch
Blanche: “Dorothy, you could be my chaperone.”
Dorothy: “Oh, please.”
Blanche: “No, I'm serious. You're the perfect third wheel. I don't mean that in a negative way. I just mean you make men uncomfortable. It's a gift. Don't waste it.”

Tales from the Old South
Blanche: “I've loved books since I was a child. Although I certainly did grow up around some ignorant people. Do you know what horrible thing the folks in my neck of the woods did once when I was a young’un?”
Dorothy: “You mean, besides using phrases like neck of the woods and young’un”
Blanche: “They burned books. The townspeople made a big pile of 'em out in front of the library and they threw a torch on top. Only Big Daddy was outraged. He fought his way through that crowd, clawed his way to the top of that pile, grabbed that lit torch and turned to that crowd and said, ‘What are you people doing? This is lunacy! You start a fire from the bottom!’”

Blanche: “Growing up in the South—”
Dorothy: “Oh God, here it comes! The honeysuckle, mint juleps, three-legged dogs, you and Opie and Floyd and the barbershop. Blanche, get to the point!”

Sassy Sophia
Sophia: [seeing Ted and Blanche kiss]: “Well, mercy me! Looks like my little magnolia just turned into a big ho’.”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “Oh Bingo, much as I love you, little guy, we've gotta do what's best for you. Wish I knew what to say to make leaving easier. You know, I used to have a little dog just like you back in St. Olaf.”
Sophia: “She said St. Olaf, Bingo. I told you, that's the attack command!”

Best of B.E.D.
Rose: “Well that’s not fair. Last week you got to keep the box boy who followed you home.”
Blanche: “There, you see? You don't need a dog. If you're lonely, get yourself a man.
Rose: “I don't want a man. I just wanna come home from work and have someone jump up on my lap, lick my face, and fetch a ball when I throw it.”
Blanche: “You can get a man to do that.”

Ted: “I do hate hotels.”
Blanche: “Oh yeah, I know. The way they charge you for the whole night when you're only there for a few hours. My roommate Dorothy told me that. She's a slut.”

Blanche: “Blanche Devereaux never goes out with another woman's husband. Oh, except for that one time. But now that was not my fault. She was pronounced dead. Those paramedics never give up.”

From Feud to Food
Ted: “I hope you like champagne and caviar.”
Blanche: “I love it.”
Sophia: “Hey, look who's not po'.”

Dorothy: “Ma, you did feed the puppy today, didn't you?”
Sophia: “I think we both had one of those international coffees - mocha minty or something - I don't know. We both threw up a little.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Dorothy: “I'll put the book on my card, and I want you to know that my card is always current. I come to the library at least three times a week, and my books are always returned promptly during regular library hours, rain or shine. Who are you to JUDGE ME?!”

Dorothy: “A little risk only heightens the thrill. It's like, it’s like making love in an airplane lavatory, where you know it's wrong because the guy you're with really should be at the controls. Well, it was just an example. WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?”

What, We Can’t Learn From History?
Blanche: “Why don't we go someplace romantic for a few days?”
Ted: “I have to go back home tomorrow.”
Blanche: “Oh. Well, take me with you. Show me the wonders of Philadelphia. The Liberty Bell. The… cream cheese.”

Literary Intelligentsia
Blanche: “Whatcha reading? Oh, you must be a passionate man. ‘Females to Fondle?’”
Ted: “Well, it's volume seven of the encyclopedia.”

Dorothy: “My mother talked me into getting her the new Stephen King.”
Librarian: “Well, we do have the one that came out last Tuesday.”
Dorothy: “Well as long as it's not about some little creature who finds new and inventive ways of terrorizing a household. It's for my mother. I don't wanna give her any ideas.”

Golden Quotes
Dorothy: “Oh, come on, Blanche, do what I do when I don't have a date. I curl up with a good book, and I'm satisfied.”
Sophia: “It's my fault. I read to her as a child.”

Blanche: “Well, but it isn't fair. He should've told me he was disabled.”
Sophia: “Yeah, what a great icebreaker.”

Blanche: “Now, do I have to call in all the favors you owe me?”
Sophia: “I don't owe you any favors.”
Blanche: “Oh, really? ‘But, officer, the little old lady was with me. She couldn't possibly have put that banana in your tailpipe.’”
Sophia: “It'll be an honor to serve.”

Dorothy: “Oh come on, Rose. We've talked about pets. Now there's no one home during the day to take care of it.”
Sophia: “I'm home during the day.”
Dorothy: “No one lucid is home during the day.”

Blanche: “Having a chaperone is an old Southern tradition. Grammy here brought me up since I was a child. She's the one who taught me how to put up peach preserves and make my own clothes.”
Sophia: “We was po.’”

Blanche: “My goodness, with a view like that, why I bet you look out the window a lot.”
Ted: “Blanche, are you a little nervous?”
Blanche: “Nervous? Me? Wheelchair.”

Sophia: “Boy, you should see this bedroom. A giant-screen TV, a big round bed, and lights that go on when you clap. My hands are raw.”
Ted: “That Southern accent of yours really comes and goes.”
Sophia: “Grits. Alright?”

Dorothy: “Blanche, tell us about your date last night.”
Blanche: “All I can tell you is Mr. Ted Tanner is quite a man. Quite a man. He suits me to a G.”
Rose: "You mean to a T.”
Dorothy: "No, I don't think so, Rose.”

Dorothy: “As long as Blanche isn't here, she won't find out you brought a dog into the house.
Rose: “What do I care if she finds out? I'm not afraid. I'm within my rights. There is nothing in my lease that says I can't have a pet.”
Blanche: “All right, who or what ate the heel off one my new red pumps?”
Rose: “I did.”

Sophia: “Hurry up. Get dressed. We're gonna be late for temple.”
Dorothy: “Ma, it's Tuesday, and we're Catholic.”
Sophia: “In that case, bacon and eggs!”

Blanche: “I don't know what to do.”
Rose: “Well I'm here if you wanna pick my brain.”
Dorothy: “Rose, I think we should leave it alone and let it heal.”

They really went through all the various handicaps with Blanche didn’t they? Wheelchair. Check. Blind. Check. Gay brother. Check. Frankly, I’m surprised it was Rose that ended up with the impotent guy. But I digress. Let’s be honest. We all want to see Sophia stand up in the limo mooning half of Miami. Am I alone here? Ok ok, I digress agin. This episode is real good. Sorry that was bad English, I meant wheely good. Perfect episode with pizzazz. Ok, so honestly, the story itself is somewhat dull because we’ve seen Blanche paired up with men who challenge her way of thinking countless times, yawn. At least the guy turns out to be a jerk in a wheelchair. So wait I guess the point that's being made is that even handicap people can be jerks. Uhhh let's change the subject shall we? There’s so much great, classic dialogue found here. Everything from Dorothy’s “Who are you to judge me??” to Sophia in her classic, mocking Southern accent, “We was po.’” This is something we won’t get to see again until the finale when Dorothy marries Blanche’s uncle. The B plot involves Empty Nest’s Dreyfuss showing up again, with his puppies, because at this point the network was thoroughly shoving its GG shared universe down everyone’s throats. But that’s fine. I don’t mind when the Empty Nesters show up. But was Dreyfuss really able to wrangle all those puppies back to the Weston house? Ah, life’s big mysteries.  Note: I'm adding a new category called "Brooklyn: A Fairyland" for all of Dorothy and Sophia's Brooklyn stories. GRADE: A-