90s Flashback
Stan: “You know
Dorothy, in some ways we’re lucky. How many people get locked up
with someone they’re attracted to?”
Dorothy: “I don’t
know, the name Marion Barry comes to mind.”
Crazy Continuity
In a rare bit of
actual continuity, Dorothy asks about Stan’s lawyer Marvin
Mitchelson, who was Stan’s lawyer in “There Goes the Bride Part 2” (and a real celebrity attorney who died in 2004) and Dorothy
thinks about “shacking up with Stan” again.
Let’s Get
Political
Dorothy: “You know
what I hate about Sweeps Week? The news. It’s sex, sex, sex. Why
can’t they do serious stories, stories with political relevance?”
Blanche: “Yes,
like, sex in the new Russia, is it worth standing in line for?”
Rose: “Well I’ve
been working on a whole list of ideas that have nothing to do with
sex, but they keep turning me down.”
Dorothy: “Oh like
what?”
Rose: “Well things
I think people would be interested in. Like, Who’s in charge of
cheese? Or, Lincoln, great statesman or gas guzzler?”
Dorothy: “Idiots
in position of power.”
Rose: “Good one!”
Shady Pines, Ma
Assistant D.A.
Peterson: “In your own words, Mrs. Petrillo – the words of a
beautiful, dignified person who’s got a wild bod for a chick her
age – what kind of person is your daughter?”
Sophia: “She put
me in a home.”
Lewd Ladies
Angelo: “Is
Dorothy here?”
Rose: “No, she
went with Sophia to get shoes.”
Angelo: “She hates
taking Sophia for shoes.”
Rose: “I know, but
Dorothy decided to go when Sophia and Blanche started talking about whether
or not Sophia should put on underwear. They said it’d be fun to
scare the hell outta the shoe salesman.”
Picture It
Dorothy: “Ma, you
wear those shoes, because they’re the only shoes you say you can
wear. Whenever we get you other shoes, you say they’re
uncomfortable.”
Sophia: “I’m
cursed with these square feet. When I was a girl in Sicily we were
too poor for shoes, so I wore olive oil cans.”
Zbornak Zingers
Rose: “Miami’s
sordid sex scene, who’s to blame?”
Dorothy, pointing to
Blanche: “That’s her, she’s the one!”
Insult Watch
Sophia: “My god
Dorothy, did you see all the reporters out there?”
Dorothy: “I know,
this is becoming a media circus.”
Sophia: “And they
really hate you. ‘The Big Bug Lady’ they call you. You deserve a
better nickname. I dunno something like ‘Big Mean Landlady’ or
‘Big Mean Dorothy,’ something with ‘Big Mean.’”
Blanche: “Dorothy,
I am so excited. I just go interviewed. They asked me if you were
clean at home. I said, ‘Well you won’t find any crumbs in her
bed, you won’t find anything in her bed.”
Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “Dorothy,
don’t worry! We’ll have you outta jail in no time. I’ll get the
best attorney social security can buy!”
Best of B.E.D.
Rose: “Now that
I’m associate producer of Wake Up Miami, I have to come up with
topical show ideas for Sweeps Week. I need something that’ll give
us really big ratings.”
Blanche: “And I
will have you know there is nothing sordid about my sex life.
Nothing! Oh great, now I’m depressed.”
Blanche: “Dorothy,
tonight I’m gonna be out front in a laundry truck.”
Dorothy: “Gotcha.
So...”
Blanche: “If you
hear screaming don’t call the cops.”
From Feud to Food
Sophia: “Don’t
worry Pussycat we won’t rest until we get you outta here.”
Dorothy: “Thanks
Ma.”
Sophia: “Who wants
Chinese, I got her credit card! I got her credit card!”
Dorothy Zbornak is
My Spirit Animal
Rose: “Good luck
Dorothy. I’ll miss you. I love you.”
Dorothy: “Someday
sweetheart, I’m going to get out of his hellhole and I’m going to
come looking for you...”
Rose: “Dont spend
all of your time in prison hating me Dorothy, learn a trade!”
Stan: “I’m going
stir crazy. There’s no way out. No way out.”
Dorothy: “Stanley,
they let you keep your belt and shoelaces. Think about that.”
Reel References
Dorothy: “Hi Ma.”
Sophia: “My God,
did you bust out? Don’t worry, I know what to do. We’ll get you a
phony license and birth certificate. I know a good plastic surgeon by
tomorrow morning you could be Raul Julia.”
Golden Quotes
Sophia: “Pussycat,
what’s short, wrinkly and sticks outta my shoes?”
Dorothy: “You.”
Blanche: “You
know, Dorothy I think you’re being too hard on her. I know how
difficult buying shoes can be. Sometimes you get yourself a really
good-looking salesman, and you try to pretend you don’t notice his
hands caressing your calf as he tries to keep his mind on shoes, but
all the time he’s thinking ‘Dare I peek? Dare I look more? Dare I
look where no eyes have looked before?’ Then as he kneels there
before you, little beads of perspiration breakin’ out on his
forehead, his breath comin’ shorter and quicker. He, ever so
gently, slips the supple leather on your quivering foot. And you
achieve a perfect fit. Come on old woman, we need shoes now!!”
Rose: “Angelo,
take me to your apartment.”
Uncle Angelo:
“Bugs’a make you hot? We got big ones and millions of them.”
Dorothy: “I never
wanna go through that again.”
Blanche: “At least
we got the shoes.”
Sophia: “And the
balloon, and you didn’t have to pay extra.”
Dorothy: “I just
had to swear that I would never take you back again.”
Sophia: “Slimshack
makes you swear that every year.”
Dorothy, holding up
a bandaged finger: “In blood?”
Blanche: “Sophia,
there’s something I don’t understand. Now you’re always a bit
ornery, unpleasant, impolite, even downright mean, that’s part of
your charm.”
Sophia: “Thank
you, you bed-hopping relic.”
[Blanche pops
Sophia’s balloon]
Blanche: “The
point, I’m trying to make is your behaviour in this shoe thing is
extreme, even for you. What is goin’ on?”
Sophia: “Well,
Dorothy always makes me buy the same old-lady shoes, I never get
anything new and exciting. It’s just another reminder of what old
age takes away from you. First husbands, then cute shoes, what’s
old age gonna take away from me next. Hey! Where’s my balloon??”
Rose: “My boss
said he wanted to expose Angelo’s landlord for making him live
under those terrible conditions, but Angelo wouldn’t give us his
name.”
Sophia: “A
Sicilian never squeals, never. Did you offer him money?”
Rose: “No!”
Sophia: “Never. He
wouldn’t!”
Rose: “I’m not
gonna rest, I’m not gonna sleep, I’m not gonna eat until I track
that scum down.”
Dorothy: “Rose,
I’m the scum.”
Rose: “Dorothy,
isn’t this something? You’ve become what we in the news business
call ‘a hot story.’”
Dorothy: “And
you’ve become what we call in the revenge business, next.”
Stan: “Believe me
she’s very bright, we were the only two in the bar who got the
jokes on the cocktail napkins. Dorothy, I want you to meet our
attorney Tracy. Tracy, this is Dorothy.”
Tracy: “Hi-dee-ho!!”
Dorothy:
“Hi-dee-ho.”
Dorothy: “Uh,
where did you go to law school?”
Tracy: “A whole
bunch of places.”
Dorothy: “Wait a
minute, you want me to live with him in the same apartment?”
Judge: “That’s
right.”
Dorothy: “But
there are bugs there, and they’ll think Stan is their leader!”
Dorothy: “For the
last time, I am not getting you an electric golf cart, and that’s
that!”
Sophia: “Hello,
Wake Up Miami? The Big Mean Bug Lady - she’s at it again.”
Critique:
Hi-dee-ho! Ok, so I don’t pretend to be an expert in the judicial
system, but this has to be one of the weirdest plotted episode thus
far. Dorothy is arrested for being a slumlord, WHILE THE NEWS STORY IS
PLAYING OUT ON TV. It turns into a media frenzy and they have the
most random “trial” I’ve ever seen, with witness accounts, that
ends with the judge giving Stan and Dorothy the most bizarre
sentence: to live in their own bug-infested building. I have so many
questions? Is there a guard making sure they don’t escape? How was
Stan able to run out and buy flowers and wine for Dorothy? Did
Dorothy ever let him back in? And why did Blanche hook up with a guy
in a laundry truck if she didn’t even want to date a pharmacist?
Let’s be honest, this episode is all about Blanche popping Sophia’s
shoe store balloon; it has become one of the most randomly memorable
gags in the entire series (and one of the most popular gifs for
birthday wishes on Facebook). Blanche’s horny shoe monologue is as
legendary as it is dated. When was the last time you actually had
help from a salesman when buying shoes? Speaking of shoes, how dark
is Dorothy’s belt and shoelaces comment? But I digress. Yes this
another one of those wacky season 7 episodes that really shows how
much the writers were struggling to come up with good, meaningful
story ideas, but I appreciate they’re strange go-for-broke attempt
as well as the actual continuity here: let’s remember that Dorothy
and Stan inherited that building way back in Season 6. This is also
Uncle Angelo’s final appearance on the show. We’re getting to the
end folks! GRADE: B
