Friday, November 8, 2019

The Pope’s Ring S7E13

Synopsis: The Pope is visiting Miami and Sophia insists on trying to get him to visit her sick friend in the hospital; meanwhile Blanche hires a detective to follow Miles for Rose’s birthday.

80s Flashback
Sophia: “No. This is his ring. Look.”
Dorothy: “My God, Ma. This looks.. real!”
Sophia: “It is real. You think he'd wear his fakes in public like Zsa Zsa?”

…Until the Buffalo Pooped
Sophia: “Coming through. The Pope's in town and I've got a bus to catch. Let's see, I've got my binoculars, my lucky rosary. Uh-oh, I forgot my whoopee cushion. Eh, who am I kidding? Everyone on that bus will be over 80. It'd be like getting a dog to bark in a kennel.”

Rose, to Sophia in the bathroom: “Sophia, you won't believe it! You know who's here? The Pope is here! Sophia! The Pope!”
Sophia: “All my life I've been waiting for this!”
Rose: “Oh okay, I won't disturb you.”

That’s What She Said
Sophia: “How good would you consider the Pope's ring?”
Dorothy: “Okay Ma, squirt me in the eye and get it over with.”

Picture It
Sophia: “Picture it. The papal mass. A few hours ago. I wanna cop a blessing for Agnes, so I sneak into the crippled and lame section.”
Dorothy: “Oh Ma, how could you?”
Sophia: “With a pronounced limp. The Pope finally arrives, I bend down to kiss his ring. Just then, security comes and whisks him away. He leaves the ring behind as a memento.”
Dorothy: “Ma, you stole the Pope's ring?”
Sophia: “It slipped off. You know, for God's representative on Earth, he sure has sweaty palms.”
Dorothy: “You're gonna take it right back.”
Sophia: “Dorothy, this is a sign. Maybe I'm supposed to make a miracle. Hey, maybe this is my shot at getting into the Bible.”
Dorothy: “Ma, the Bible is a done deal. Now, you can't keep it. We're talking about a millenniums-old symbol of the Pope's authority. Something so steeped in history and tradition that it makes even you seem middle-aged.”

Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: “Besides I can't take it back. I paid in advance.”
Dorothy: “Can't you get a refund?”
Blanche: “Well, no. I paid with nature's credit card.”
Dorothy: “You never leave home without it.”

Insult Watch
Blanche: “Excuse me, Rose, you're about to make a grave mistake. You come to me if you want advice on men. You go to Dorothy if there's grammar you want help with.”
Dorothy: “You ended that sentence with a preposition just to bait me.”

Sophia: “I called the diocese like you told me, Dorothy. The Pope will be here any minute to pick up the ring.”
Blanche: “The Pope's comin' here? This is horrible. What will I wear? I don't believe I have a thing that doesn't call attention to my bosom.”
Sophia: “Try not wearing makeup.”

Tales from the Old South
Blanche: “Look, I know how to settle this. Let me tell you a story of the steamy South. A tale of deception and tragedy.”
Sophia: “Just a second, Uncle Remus. Give me the ring and I'll tell the Pope to give you a blessing too.”
Dorothy: “Ma, Blanche is telling a story!”
Sophia: “Oh, sorry. Go on.”
Blanche: “I was 19.”
Sophia: “Fine. He might have a blessing that gets men.”
Dorothy: “Ma!”
Sophia: “What? I thought she was finished.”
Dorothy: “She just said she was 19.”
Sophia: “Well look at her now. You don't call that a tragedy?”
Dorothy: “Ma, it is going back and that's final. Go ahead, Blanche.”
Blanche: “No! The mood has been ruined. Suffice it to say, it involved a men's club, a vine rope, and a large bottle of Absorbine Jr.”

Back in St. Olaf
Miles: “Hey, I got an idea. I'm-- I'm feeling a little frisky. Did you ever make love in the out-of-doors?”
Rose: “Miles, no. Well, just once. Charlie and I went to St. Olaf's most romantic outdoor trysting place.
Mount Pushover. But that place was sacred.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Miles: “Do you have any idea what it's like working on a college campus?”
Rose: “Well, I've never worked on one, but I was the subject of a lab experiment once.”
Miles: “Wait a minute, you never told me that.”
Rose: “They doubled my IQ. For three days, I was another Einstein. Then they pulled out the IV.”
Miles: “What was in that IV?”
Rose: “Smart juice, I guess.”

From Feud to Food
Sophia: “The Pope came to the hospital and blessed Agnes. He answered my prayers! He answered me! Oh, ye of little faith.”
Blanche: “Oh you must feel special, Sophia. You must feel blessed.”
Sophia: “And hungry. Come on, Rose, let's go into the kitchen and whip up some loaves and fishes.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Blanche: “You hate me 'cause I'm beautiful, don't you?”
Dorothy: “There's a man leaving in 10 minutes. Be under him.”

The Boob Tube
Dorothy: “Honey, before you do anything else I want you to open my gift. I think you're gonna like it.”
Rose: “Oh, isn't that pretty. Oh, Dorothy! Oh, a second-hand sweatshirt with my name misspelled on it. Oh, you're right, Dorothy, I love it!”
Dorothy: “Rose, that is the original Mickey Mouse Club sweatshirt that Roy wore! I got it at an auction.
Rose: “Oh, my God. I loved Roy. Oh, there was something about him. Woof!”

Golden Quotes
Blanche: “Good mornin'.”
Dorothy: “Oh, how was your date last night?”
Blanche: “Oh it's too soon to tell. I'll let you know when I send him home.”

Blanche: “Look at the ducky wrappin' paper. And the little stick-on bow. Did you get her a Ziggy card?”
Dorothy: “No.”
Blanche: “Oh, my. Not Snoopy?”
Dorothy, ripping up her card: “I didn't get her a card.”

Dorothy: “Oh, the Pope is saying a mass on his stopover here. Ma got two tickets. We're going together.
Oh, a papal mass is something people wait a lifetime for.”
Sophia: “Whoops.”
Dorothy: “‘Whoops?’ Is that Pope-related, or just another bark in the kennel?”
Sophia: “The Pope. I traded our two bad tickets way in the back for one good ticket way up front.”
Dorothy: “Well, Ma, what about me?”
Sophia: “Um, I thought about that. This is the plan. We'll get one of those really long overcoats, I'll stand on your shoulders, and-”
Dorothy: “And what? Blend in with the circus folk??”

Blanche: “Rose, before I give you mine, I just want to ask you one question. It may seem a little odd, but it has a lot to do with your gift. Has Miles started wearing bikini underwear lately?”
Dorothy: “Blanche, please, the Pope is in town.”
Blanche: “I'm serious.”
Rose: “Actually, Miles did buy some bikinis. But just the bottoms.”

Sophia: “Miles, big news!”
Miles: “Later.”
Sophia: “Rose, I've got-”
Rose: “I'm busy, Sophia.”
Sophia: “Dorothy, I can't breathe!”
Dorothy: “Not now, Ma. Okay, but this better be good.”

Sophia: “You're right. I'm sorry, I don't know what got into me. I'll bring it back…. WINE! Worth a shot.”

Dorothy: “Now, take it easy, Ma. Let's retrace your steps. What did you do when you first got home?”
Sophia: “Who knows? Nap on the couch, nap on the bed, nap on the lanai. I do so much, it's all a blur.”
Dorothy: “Then we just have to search room by room.”
Sophia: “It's hopeless. We'll never find it. I say we just wait and pray it turns up, say in the next day or two. What??”
Dorothy: “Those are the exact words you used when my gold bracelet was missing.”
Sophia: “So?”
Dorothy: “So two days later you came back from the dentist saying, ‘Are these fillings or are these fillings??’”

Rose: “Oh he had the most beautiful blue eyes.”
Sophia: “Yeah. All the cute guys are either married or popes.”

Critique: Wow has it really been nearly two months since I last posted? Sorry, I got my heel caught in the carpet. Moving on. Let me just say that I absolutleh love this episode because it’s all about faith and the Pope and yet they still manage to squeeze in lots of jokes about farts and poop. Speaking of Popes… the actor (Eugene Greytak) who briefly plays Pope John Paul II literally made an entire career out of playing the Pope. He appeared in everything from The Naked Gun 33 1/3 to Sister Act. He’s a much better celebrity lookalike than Dorothy and Sophia were when they dressed as Cheech and Chong, but I digress. This episode’s story fits right into the wacky season seven antics. What I wouldn’t give to see Sophia on Dorothy’s shoulders in a long overcoat (or vice versa). Rose’s B story about the detective feels sort of shoehorned in and is really just an excuse to get Sophia to the hospital to meet the Pope but it all culminates with one of my favorite moments when Rose informs that the Pope is there and she thinks Sophia is excited because she just took the crap of a lifetime. Good times! GRADE: A-