Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Henny Penny – Straight, No Chaser S6E26

Synopsis: It’s Spring Break in Miami and Dorothy is producing a school play, but when the kids get sick she recasts it with her roommates… meanwhile Blanche deals with an angry ex who publishes her obituary. Sophia plays a chess by mail game with a friend from Sicily.

Musical Moments
Dorothy: “Well, I did once do a production of ‘Showboat’ in high school, and everyone said I was pretty good.”
Sophia: “No one can sing ‘Old Man River’ like my Dorothy.”
Frank: “Then you're saying you'll do it?”
Dorothy: “Well, it is my production, and as they say, ‘The show must go on.’”
Sophia: “Aw, Pussycat. It'll be like the old days. Come on, just one more time.”
Dorothy: “Get a little drunk and you land in ja-aaaaaaaaail... I still got it!”

Rose, as Henny Penny: “A piece of blue sky just fell on my head/The wherefore and why is best left unsaid/But I have a hunch and it's appalling/That like it or not, the sky is falling!”

Blanche, as Goosey Loosey: “A piece of up there just landed down here/You better beware, the message is clear/
Rose & Blanche: “Though millions may find the prospect galling/It's run for your life, the sky is falling!”

Dorothy, as Turkey Lurkey: “A piece of blue sky just did what they said/Don't stand there and sigh/Get under the bed
Rose, Blanche, & Dorothy: “Don't stop to complain, it's no good grumbling/‘Cause this isn't rain, the sky is crumbling”

All: “A piece of blue sky Just fell on her head/The wherefore and why are best left unsaid/But we have a hunch, and it's appalling/That like it or not, the sky is falling”
Rose: “Help! Disaster is near”
Blanche: “Help! We're tremblin' with fear”
Dorothy: “Help. The outlook is drear”
All: “We're dreadin' Armageddon may disrupt our career/And though he may refuse the news we bring/We must fly and try to warn the king”

Frank, as Foxy Loxy: “A piece of good luck just fell in my lap/Three strangers who cluck, well, it's their mishap/These friends who dropped in don't look suspicious/But check out my grin, they look delicious/To me these feathered fools are so much meat I and mine shall dine/Bon appetite”

Animal Alert
Rose: “All right, all right, I'll do it. And not just for the kids. I just feel it's time I gave something back to the chicken community. After all, a chicken once saved my life.”
Blanche: “They are the stupidest birds.”

Lewd Ladies
Dorothy: “You know, I'm actually looking forward to spring break this year.”
Sophia: “College kids. America's best and brightest are coming to town. It'll be nice to get mooned again.”

Picture It
Dorothy: “Here's a letter for you from Palermo.”
Sophia: “Oh, it's the latest chess move from my old rival Serafina Gambrotsi.”
Dorothy: “Ah, how long has this chess game by mail been going on? What, it must be ten years now, huh?”
Sophia: “And it's going to keep on going until I beat Serafina at something.”
Dorothy: “What are you talking about?”
Sophia: “Picture it. Sicily, 1920. Serafina and I were both crazy about Marco the Goat Boy. In appearance, an Adonis. In behavior, horny as a toad. Little did I know he had a thing for hairy fat girls. If I were fatter and hairier, Dorothy, Marco the Goat Boy could've been your father.”
Dorothy: “I think we all grieve. Ma, that was 70 years ago. I was sure you'd forgotten.”
Sophia: “I forget nothing. So, any mail?”

Sophia [narrating]: “Once upon a time on a beautiful spring day, Henny Penny was waking up from a nap under an oak tree when an acorn fell from the tree and hit her on the head. Funny, when I was a little girl in Sicily and they told this story, it was a safe that fell on her head.”

Insult Watch
Sophia: “You'd be perfect. Turkey Lurkey was your nickname in high school.”
Dorothy: “Ma, it was not.”
Sophia: “Really? That's what they called you at the PTA.”

Sophia [narrating]: “And off they went. On their way, Henny Penny and Goosey Loosey came upon Turkey Lurkey. Yes, poor lonely Turkey Lurkey. Poor dateless, hopeless, self-basting –”
Dorothy: “Ma!”

Product Placement
Blanche: “Well, they printed the retraction.”
Dorothy: “Let me see it… wait, I can't find it.”
Blanche: “Of course you can't. It's way down at the bottom in itty-bitty type.”
Dorothy: “Ah. Our ad in yesterday's paper should have read 'Sit Well Cortisone Salve Prevents Hemorrhoids, ' not 'Presents Hemorrhoids.’”
Blanche: “Below that.”

Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “78. Yes! 64. Yes! 81. Yes!”
Dorothy: “Ma, what are you doing?”
Sophia: “Reading the obituaries and checking out the people who died younger than I am now. 83. Close one.”

Back in St. Olaf
Dorothy: “How would you like to play Henny Penny?”
Rose: “Well, I have enjoyed playing a hen in the past.”
Dorothy: “Fill us in. Parade, honeymoon or religious ceremony?”
Rose: “Theater. The St. Olaf Masquers' production of Hamlet.”
Dorothy: “I don't right off recall a hen in Hamlet.”
Rose: “Oh we set the play in a barnyard. Luckily the symphony was out of town at the time.”

Blanche: “As Big Daddy used to say, ‘I'm feeling lower than the rent on a burnin' building.’”
Rose: “That's funny. I used to live in a burning building. And it was cheap. It was Charlie's and my first house. Well, scoff if you must, but it was warm and toasty. I'll never forget Charlie throwing me over his shoulder and dashing across the threshold. Oh it was a beautiful place. Three bedrooms, two baths. Then two bedrooms and one bath. Eventually we outgrew the place.”

Rose: “All I'm trying to say is we had fairy tales in St. Olaf that weren't violent, and they had positive role models. Like ‘Gus and the Recliner;’ ‘Gunilla Gets a Catalog;’ and ‘Ilsa, the Girl Who Could Make Bad Food Good.’”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Oh my gosh. It's only one week till spring break? And I have so much to do. I have to get new T-shirts for the wet T-shirt contest...”

Blanche: “Well, Frank Nann. I haven't seen you since that weekend in Pensacola.”
Frank: “Goosey Loosey!”
Blanche: “That's right. We did have fun, Squeezy Wheezy.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Frank: “Where are we going to find an adult with the childlike naivety to play Henny Penny?”
Rose: “Oh, you're not gonna believe it. I just saw a cloud that looked exactly like a cotton ball.”
Frank: “My God, she is Henny Penny.”

From Feud to Food
Frank: “Can I take it then that you will play Henny Penny?”
Rose: “I'm your chicken.”
Sophia: “Great, I'll set the oven for 425.”

Literary Intelligentsia
Dorothy: “We're doing Henny Penny. You know, ‘Help, help! The sky is falling.’”
Blanche: “Oh, that was never one of my favorites. There's no prince in it. I like a fairy tale with a nice prince in it. A handsome prince with a big ol' codpiece and deep dark eyes and powerful thighs and muscles rippling beneath his tunic.”
Dorothy: “Blanche, you could get aroused by Humpty Dumpty.”
Blanche: “Are you kiddin'? ‘All the king's horses and all the king's men.’ Handsome men with deep dark eyes and powerful thighs and muscles and big ol' codpieces.”
Dorothy: “Blanche, how do you make it through an omelet?”

Dorothy: “Fairy tales just show kids how complicated life can be, and it does it on their terms.”
Blanche: “I remember when I first read Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, it had a profound influence on me. Seven lonely men, livin' in the woods, needin' a woman. All of 'em with Napoleon complexes, somethin' to prove.”
Dorothy: “And jobs, Blanche. They all had jobs.”
Blanche: “In a diamond mine.”

Golden Quotes
Dorothy: “I'm talking about my school's project to get kids to read during spring vacation. We're putting on a series of plays based on favorite children's stories. And guess what. I have just been made producer of the first-grade production.”
Blanche: “This is all you have, Dorothy, so I'm going to be happy for you.”

Sophia: “You're dead. You must be. It says so in the paper.”
Blanche [reading]: “Blanche Devereaux. Age 68. (gasps) 68??”
Dorothy: “Oh, that's terrible. They're almost as far off on your age as you are…”
Blanche: “68! Can you believe that? 68!”
Dorothy: “And dead. Don't forget dead.”
Blanche: “68.”
Dorothy: “And dead.”
Blanche: “What are people gonna think?”
Sophia: “They’ll think it’s time to elect a new town slut.”

Dorothy: “Rose, you mean you didn't even look at the end of the play until today?”
Rose: “If there's one thing I remember about my wedding night, it's Charlie telling me it's impolite to peek.”

Dorothy: “Rose, the play isn't real. It's a fairy tale. Not all stories end happily, and children have to learn that.”
Rose: “You call yourself a teacher? It's people like you who are responsible for all the evil on this planet.”
Dorothy: “I guess I had that coming.”

Delivery man: “Flowers for Blanche Deverucks.”
Dorothy: “No, that's Devereaux. It's only pronounced Deverucks in limericks.”

Sophia [reading from Mel’s card to Blanche]: “P.S. Sorry I missed your birthday. Happy 68th.”
Blanche: “It doesn't say that.”
Sophia: “I know. I made that part up.”
Dorothy: “Ma, why are you always trying to aggravate everyone?”
Sophia: “To relax.”

Sophia [narrating]: “And off she went. On her way, Henny came upon Goosey Loosey, one of the most popular birds in the barnyard.”
Blanche: “THE most popular!”
Sophia: “And the eighth graders are seeing a play today about how to be that popular... safely.”

Rose: “Fine. But I just want you all to know there are monsters living under all your beds!”

Sophia: “Uh-oh. I don't think Serafina's a worthy opponent for me anymore.”
Rose: “Why not, Sophia?”
Sophia: “I'm afraid she's losing it. I just got her next chess move. She bid four spades.”

First of all, what the hell kind of name is Chugger Dietz? Who names their kid that? I just assume it’s a college nickname from his frat brothers and it stuck. But I digress. Two thirds of this episode is just funny fodder before they get the girls into ridiculous outfits. As Dorothy would say, “I can dig it.” The Henny Penny episode is either a love it or hate it affair. I fall in line with the former as I’ve always quite enjoyed watching the crazy bird antics of the film’s ridiculously stupid school play (but I always fast-forwarded past that Foxy Loxy drip). But who am I to judge because the kids loved the play: “It was good. Especially Turkey Lurkey.” Raves. I mean I do love Sophia breaking the fourth wall and making inappropriate STD jokes in front of first graders. This finale is the epitome of the silliness that is the sixth season of The Golden Girls. At this point the show was beyond really clever writing and story lines; the audience just wanted to see the ladies do silly stuff, which this episode delivers in spades. The four lead characters had been perfectly fleshed out and they were obviously comfortable in their roles. Except for Bea Arthur who wanted out at this point. I image she went something like this: “I am goddam Bea Arthur! And you have me parading around in a turkey outfit?? Eat me! Next season is my last!” I mean Dorothy was basically a punching bag for 7 years though Bea handled it wonderfully. Speaking of which, is anyone else fascinated with the various nicknames that Dorothy collected as a young person? Moose in elementary school and Turkey Lurkey in high school. I wonder what they called her in middle school? Kids and parents can be so cruel. GRADE: A-

Happy Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Never Yell Fire in a Crowded Nursing Home Parts 1 and 2 S6E24/25

Synopsis: A detective arrives to inform Sophia that she may be responsible for Shady Pines having burned down, so they do what anyone would do in this situation, stroll down memory lane. 

90s Flashback
Detective Parres: “Mrs. Petrillo, where were you on the night of September 4th, 1985?”
Sophia: “Did you see Awakenings? Throw a ball at me. How the hell should I know? I don't even remember what color underwear I'm wearing.”

Musical Moments
Herb: “If you think of anything else, please give me a call. I have to be at the courthouse at a quarter to three.”
Sophia: “There's no one in the place, except you and me. That's what we were singing that night. We were having a couple of Nyquil shooters and singing ‘One For My Baby.’ I remember.”

That’s What She Said
Herb: “It might take a couple of hours, so relax and get comfortable.”

Shady Pines, Ma
Dorothy: “Now think back. Shady Pines. What was the last thing that you remember before that fire?”
Sophia: “Meat loaf. Nine days in a row.”

Lewd Ladies
Herb: “...let's not forget there still has to be a trial, and Mrs. Heartgrove's confession is pretty strong. I just wish we had something that reflected on her credibility.”
Sophia: “What if we had a video of her and a friend mooning a hot dog vendor?”
Herb: “That would totally discredit her.”
Sophia: “Wait a minute. I just remembered who the friend was. Can't use it. Moving on.”

Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: “Herb, I'm aware of how important it is to make a good impression in court. Tell me, what do you think would move the jury more - cleavage or a lot of leg?”
Dorothy: “That depends on what you're going for - a chuckle or a guffaw.”

Insult Watch
Sophia: “They colorized him. Can you believe it? Let the man rest. He's got hair the color of Rose's and more rouge than Blanche.”
Blanche: “Whatever you think she did, she's guilty. I saw her.”

Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “So this is life on the outside. It's changed. You've all gotten so old.”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “It's a terrifying prospect to think about. Prison. The coldness of it, the steel bars, the wedges of cheese hanging overhead, tantalizingly just out of reach.”
Dorothy: “Let me guess - St. Olaf County Jail?”
Rose: “And deli.”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “My life is more than just sex and food. I take care of this house. Why, just the other day we had a leak, and the gas man came out. Oh, no, wait a minute. I guess that falls under sex.”
Rose: “And you did fix him a sandwich afterwards.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Herb: “Blanche, I think a conservative ensemble is in Sophia's best interest.”
Rose: “Oh, there'll be music?”

From Feud to Food
Sophia: “Nonsense. I don't even know what s'mores are.”
Rose: “You remember, Sophia. They're those little toasted graham cracker and chocolate sandwiches.”
Sophia: “With marshmallow. Don't forget the marshmallow. Whoops.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Rose: “Dorothy, can we look in on Sophia, too?”
Blanche: “She is like a mother to us.”
Dorothy: “I think she'd like that. Here's the key.”

What Do I Look Like, a Cross-Dresser?
Blanche: “Well, Sophia, how's it feel to be home?”
Sophia: “I feel like a free man.”
Rose: “Well, you didn't actually go to jail.”
Sophia: “OK, forget the free part. I feel like a man. I missed two estrogen shots, and I'm dying for a thick steak smothered in onions, a tall cold one, then going out and picking up a couple-”

Literary Intelligentsia
Rose: “Well, all's well that ends well.”
Blanche: “What?”
Rose: “It's a title of a Shakespeare play.”
Blanche: “Well Rose, nothing is well, and nothing has ended. Sophia's out on bail, awaiting her trial.”
Rose: “Well, if Dorothy had said it, you'd think it was brilliant.”

Reel References
Sophia: “I've got nothing to hide, copper. Or do you prefer flatfoot or gumshoe?”
Dorothy: “Before my mother lost it completely, she watched a lot of James Cagney.”

Golden Quotes
Dorothy: “Did you and Miles have fun last night?”
Rose: “Oh, yes. We had dinner at the Mandarin Rathskeller, that new Chinese-German restaurant.”
Dorothy: “How was it?”
Rose: “Oh, the food was good. But an hour later, Miles and I were both hungry. For power!”

Blanche: “Girls, this is Herb Shrewsbury, our lawyer.”
Sophia: “So, what are my chances, shyster? Or do you prefer ambulance chaser?”
Dorothy: “Ma, he's here to help you. Are you nuts?”
Sophia: “If it helps.”

Dorothy: “Ma won't come out of her room. She's miserable.”
Rose: “Just to keep me up to speed, Dorothy - it's this negligent arson rap and the prospect of her spending the rest of her waning years in jail thing, right?”
Dorothy: “No, it's the Rose in the kitchen thing.”

Rose: “Those stories made me hungry.”
Blanche: “They made me horny.”
Dorothy: “I'll tell you what. Why don't we call the pizza guy?”
Blanche: “See, we both win.”

Blanche: “I've been thinking about what we should do in case they do send Sophia off.”
Dorothy: “What, appeal?”
Blanche: “No, a party, a prison party. I made a list of all the men we should invite. And we'll be like the judges. I sentence you to ten minutes with me on the lanai. See, some can be convicts and some can be guards... What are you looking at?”
Dorothy: “I just cannot believe how much you think about men!”

Blanche: “Hey, I have an idea. Let's have a getting-out-of-prison party. See, everybody can pretend they've been locked up for about three years and they have all this pent-up sexual energy. Everybody's all pumped up because all you ever do in prison is lift weights, so we'll get all those muscle guys with homemade tattoos... What are you looking at?”

Sophia: “Can I tell you something, Pussycat?”
Dorothy: “What?”
Sophia: “I've never been so scared. Not so much of jail. It was not being here with all of you. Only seeing you for ten minutes a day on visitors' day. That's not enough time for Rose to get one of her St.
Olaf stories off the runway. All I'm trying to say is, maybe you're not much, but you're all I've got. Am I crying, Pussycat?”
Dorothy: “No, Ma.”
Sophia: “I guess it wasn't as touching as I thought.”

Does anyone else have a strange desire to see Sophia and her friend mooning a hot dog vendor? Not in a pervy way. I mean I just have so many questions. Like, who the hell filmed it? Did Shady Pines let them out to walk around and get lunch from street vendors? Ok, nevermind, moving on. Ah the dreaded clip show rears its ugly head once again. This is probably one the better ones because the wrap around storyline is utterly ridiculous even by season 6 standards. I mean first off, Sophia’s friend is such a bitch for confessing on her deathbed that she started the fire (even though it was probably Lily). They must have been pretty close if they went mooning together and baked s’mores together. And besides, if the fire inspector was “on the take,” ie corrupt, and the place really burned down because of bad wiring then who exactly took the rap six years earlier? But I digress. I’m not sure how the prospect of Sophia possibly being sent to jail for negligent arson is a reason to stroll down memory lane but our ladies do it anyways. And those moments, of course, are as funny as always. At least this time there are some decent moments in-between the “hey remember when...” segues. Blanche’s prison party idea is a hoot and at the end of the day I wish that had actually been the plotline instead of wasting two full episodes with one of the most random and anti-climatic stories yet. I’d like to think this was just filler while the ladies were preparing for their Henny Penny season finale… GRADE: B-