Synopsis: The
girls travel to Blanche’s grammy’s plantation in Atlanta because
it’s being demolished; meanwhile, Sophia has a near-death
experience.
Musical Moments
Rose: “Let's try
it now with Dorothy. Dorothy, Dorothy, bo-borthy/Bonana fanna
fo-forthy/Fee, fi, mo-morthy-”
[Tires Screech]
Dorothy: “Get out,
Rose.”
Rose: “Three
bottles of beer on the wall/Three bottles of beer/Take one down, pass
it around/Two bottles of beer on the wall. Well, I'm off to bed.”
Dorothy: "TWO
BOTTLES OF BEER?? Rose, you get all the way to two bottles of beer
and you quit?!”
Rose: “Just drives
you nuts, doesn't it, Dorothy?
That’s What She
Said
Sophia: “Blanche,
I wanna be here when the dynamite goes off. I wanna ride the rocket
with you.”
Lewd Ladies
Dorothy: “Ma, I
still cannot believe what you were doing on the interstate.”
Sophia: “I was
living for the day, pussycat.”
Dorothy: “You were
mooning a chain gang!”
Sophia: “And did
you see the smiles on their faces? They probably hadn't seen a woman
in years.”
Dorothy: “I guess
not. No, they kept up with us through four warning shots.”
Picture It
Sophia: “Picture
it. Heaven. Two days ago. I'm holding onto Sal, telling him I'll
never let go, when who shows up... Uh-oh. What is it? What's going
on?
Sal: “You're not
gonna believe this, Sophia, but God, Sophia. Sophia, God.”
Sophia: “Wow, now
I see where Jesus got those eyes..”
...
Sal: “God says
it's not your time yet. You gotta go back, Sophia.”
Sophia: “But I
wanna be with you. I don't wanna go back.”
Sal: “He pretty
much gets his way in these things. Besides, someone's got to take
care of little spumoni-face.
Sophia: “Who?”
Sal: “Dorothy.
When I worked late, I'd come home, we had our little secret ice cream
club, and that was the nickname I gave her.”
Sophia: “And what
was her nickname for you?”
Sal: “Favorite
parent.”
Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: “Oh,
Dorothy, I just talked to somebody back home, and they are doin' the
most horrible thing. They are tearin' down the most important
building in Blanche Devereaux's family history.”
Dorothy: “Oh my
God, they're tearing down Mattress World.”
Blanche: “Even
worse than that. They are tearin' down the place where I spent my
happiest moments as a child.”
Dorothy: “Oh, I'm
sorry, Blanche. They're tearing down Boys Town.”
Insult Watch
Blanche: “Dorothy,
they are tearin' down Grammy Hollingsworth's plantation. That
beautiful old place is gonna be gone forever. I used to spend my
summers there, and Christmas vacations. And whenever there was a
fight in the house between Big Daddy and Big Mommy...”
Dorothy: “Big
Mommy. Gee, I don't think I ever knew her name before.”
Blanche: “Dorothy,
I just don't believe you. When you were a child, didn't you have some
beautiful, fantastic place where you'd go, and it would seem just
like a fairyland? Oh, that's right. You grew up in Brooklyn.”
Blanche: “The
family had to sell Grand View, and it got turned into an old bed and
breakfast. But at least I could visit.”
Sophia: “And have
breakfast.”
Blanche: “Thank
you, Sophia.”
Sophia: “Pancakes,
by the looks of it.”
Blanche: “Thank
you, Sophia.”
Tales from the Old
South
Blanche: “I cannot
tell you how many Christmases I spent in this place. Grammy's butler
would bring us our eggnog by the hearth, and Grammy and I would sing
carols and put out gingerbread men for St.
Nick. And, oh, and
over there would be Grandpappy, drinkin' out of his jug with the X's
on it, and wearin' his Santa's beard, and just screamin' at the lawn
jockey to do him a little dance. Oh Rose, hold me.”
Blanche: “And my
balcony. Oh, I remember as a girl of 10, I used to wander out here,
and all the little boys from all around would come and serenade me: I
see London, I see France I see Blanche's underpants. Rose, hold me.”
Rose: “Oh, honey.”
Dorothy: “Oh,
Blanche, please. Now, honey, I know it's hard, but we've been here
over an hour. And you've shown us the balcony, you've shown us the
wind chimes, you've shown us the seven places you lost your
virginity.”
Product Placement
Sophia: “After
yesterday, I decided to take the time and stop and smell the roses.”
Dorothy: “Ah,
that's nice, Ma.”
Sophia: “And you
know where they have great roses? At the dog track in Lauderdale. By
the way, your Bonneville shakes when you go over 65.”
Sassy Sophia
Dorothy: “Ma, are
you okay?”
Sophia: “What
happened?”
Dorothy: “Oh, Ma,
you were choking. You passed out. Rose saved your life.”
Sophia: “But I was
in heaven and with your father. I didn't wanna come back. Thanks for
nothing, ya nitwit.”
Best of B.E.D.
Dorothy: “How
long do you think you can stay handcuffed?”
Blanche: “My
personal best is 32 hours. But of course then I had somebody to play
with.”
Sweet,
Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Dorothy: “Honey,
you know we'd go with you if it would help, but by tomorrow, Grand
View will be gone. And we'd have to drive all night and stop at a
motel, and we all know how you hate to drive.”
Blanche: “Well, I
found a way around that.”
Rose: “Hey,
Blanche, I figured out this treasure map. It's buried somewhere
outside Atlanta.”
Blanche: “Let's
roll.”
From Feud to Food
Sophia: “Excuse
me, sir, but I died yesterday, and it occurs to me I never
experienced Southern food. So send a possum to Room 7. And, uh, tell
my daughter it's chicken.”
Dorothy: “Blanche,
this is ridiculous. You can't stay here all night. You're gonna have
to eat sometime.”
Blanche: “Oh this
is where you don't know me, Dorothy. I can go for days without food,
if that's what it takes.”
Rose: “Oh come on
Blanche. You've been known to debone a chicken from across the room.”
Dorothy Zbornak is
My Spirit Animal
Blanche: “Dorothy,
they're gonna build a cheap motel here.”
Dorothy: “You'll
be back.”
Reel References
Sophia: “Oh, Sal,
is that you? Could it possibly be you? Oh, Sal, please prove to me
it's you.”
Sal: “You dirty
rat. You killed my brother.”
Sophia: “Oh Sal,
it is you! You always did such a great Cagney.”
Golden Quotes
Angel: “Sophia.
Welcome to heaven.”
Sophia: “I'm in
heaven?”
Angel: “That's
right.”
Sophia: “Heaven
heaven? I went straight to heaven? No stops? No purgatory?”
Angel: “Purgatory?
[laughs] Oh, you Catholics!”
Dorothy: “Oh poor,
Blanche. You know, I I actually do feel sorry for her.”
Rose: “Oh yeah, my
heart goes out to her, too.”
“Hello, did I
mention I died?”
Sophia: “Pussycat,
what's that on your blouse? See? I laugh in the face of death.”
[laughs]
Dorothy:
“Ma, stop it. I don't want to hear about this dream that is
making you act reckless. The doctor says it was a lack of oxygen that
made you hallucinate.”
Sophia: “All
right, I won't tell you what your father said. I won't say another
word.
[Dorothy opens
the fridge] The light! The light! I'm coming to you, Salie!”
Demolition guy:
“We're gonna blow this place up in two hours. I get to push the
plunger, 'cause it's my birthday.”
Rose: “Well, happy
birthday!”
Blanche: “My
Grammy, she's in this room.”
Sophia: “Hey, man,
cool.”
Dorothy: “Oh,
Blanche, come on. You only think she's here. You and Grammy spent a
lot of time here, and the memories are so alive. Of course you can,
you can almost feel her here. Right, Rose?”
Rose: “Well, she's
not under the bed...”
Blanche: “Dorothy,
I know it sounds odd, but this is the room where Grammy and I used to
have all of our heart-to-hearts. I would snuggle up in one of her
homemade afghans, and whatever problems I had in life, she would make
right. And then after she died, she started coming to me here, and
the talks didn't stop.”
Rose: “And she's
not in the closet...”
Dorothy: “Blanche,
this is your Grammy. Y'all get yourself out of here, you dumb
peckerwood!”
Rose: “Oh, I heard
it that time, too. Feets, don't fail me now!”
Blanche: “How dare
you mock my Grammy!”
Dorothy: “Ma? Ma,
what the hell are you doing on the roof!?”
Sophia: “Living
for the day, pussycat. I never jumped into a haystack before.”
Dorothy: “Ma!”
Sophia: “Geronimo!”
Blanche: “My God!
Dorothy, is she okay??”
Dorothy: “Yeah, I
think so. Rose broke her fall.”
Dorothy: “Rose,
are you okay?”
Rose: “Charlie?
Charlie, is that you?”
Dorothy: “Great,
another one who hears voices.”
Dorothy, trying to
convince Blanche to come downstairs: “You're right, Blanche, these
naked Southern guys sure can dance!”
Rose: ““Hey,
Dorothy, have you seen this yet?”
Dorothy: “B.H.?
B.H. Blanche Hollingsworth. Oh, Blanche must have written this when
she was a little girl. Can you imagine Blanche as a little girl,
running and skipping all through this house, so carefree? I can
almost hear her laughing. You know, I, I can almost feel her spirit
here. And if I can feel her spirit here, then why is it so ridiculous
that Blanche feels the spirit of her grandma upstairs? And is it such
a leap of faith to believe that Ma was in the white light? Why am I
making it such a crusade not to believe either one of them? What am
I, just an ostrich with its head in the ground? A narrow-minded
ostrich, who, who only believes what she can see and feel and touch?
Oh Rose. Simple Rose. Rose, you are so wise.”
Rose: “Actually, I
spoke with the demolitions guy. B.H. stands for ‘Blast Here.’”
Sophia: “What do
you say we throw a sheet over our heads and go scare Rose?”
Dorothy: “Right!”
Blanche: “Good
night, Grammy. [sounds of wind chime] It's time
to sleep, honey. Some of us are still alive and need our beauty
sleep. Be quiet, Grammy! [wind chime stops] Peckerwood??”
Critique:
First of all, I
wanna see the “treasure map” Blanche drew for Rose SO BAD. More
importantly, this episode contains arguably the funniest piece of
physical comedy in the entire series, (though Rose’s dance marathon
body double is probably first actually) which is the sight of Sophia throwing herself off the roof of Grammy’s plantation. Or what appears to be
Sophia: it’s obviously a dummy in Sophia cosplay
complete with white wig and bamboo purse. And it absolutely HILARIOUS
watching that thing fly by Dorothy. Even if it lasts .6 seconds. I’ve probably rewound and
watched that shot millions of times and it never gets old. But I
digress. This is a fantastic season seven episode that ranks up there
as one of the most outlandish but outright funny episodes in the
later part of the series. At this point we all know the characters
and that’s why so many of these jokes and gags work so well. It’s even a bit touching watching Blanche feel so attached to her
Grammy’s plantation. And if I’m being completely honest, I tend
to get slightly choked up when Sophia tells Dorothy that her father
is proud of her. But let’s get back to the funny parts. These
include the sound effect of Dorothy bringing the car to a screeching
halt as Rose obnoxiously belts out “The Name Game,” Rose checking under the
bed and the closet for Blanche’s grandma, and imagining
Sophia mooning a chain gang on the highway. I absolutleh love a good
Blanche-centered episode and this one is purely dynamite.
GRADE: A
