Friday, March 23, 2018

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Sophia? S6E8

Synopsis: After Sophia’s nun friend dies, she decides to join a convent. Meanwhile, Rose gets sued after Blanche gets into an accident with Rose’s car.

80s Flashback
Sophia [looking at an ink blot]: “I see the Blessed Mother smiling sweetly as she pours love upon the hearts of the righteous standing at the gates of heaven, while St. Peter--”
Dorothy: “Ma! Come on, you're making that up.”
Sophia: “I am not.”
Dorothy: “Look, anyone can clearly see that is a picture of John Forsythe lying naked in a pool of honey... Isn't it?”
Sophia: “Do you think I would lie to get into the convent?”
Sister Claire [tugging at her habit]: “It does look a little like John Forsythe, doesn't it?”

That’s What She Said
Sophia: “Do you think I could leave you that easily?”
Dorothy: “A minute ago you were gonna spit on me.”

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Blanche: “Just look at you. Must be so frustratin' for an athlete like you. Did you ever play any college ball?”
Arthur: “No. As a boy, I got as far as the Pee-Wee leagues, but then I discovered stamps. Wow!”

Shady Pines, Ma
Dorothy: “Sister, is it all right if I sit in? I don't think my mother would mind.”
Sophia: “Think again.”
Dorothy: “I'd go outside, but there don't seem to be any SHADY PINES to sit under.”
Sophia: “Pillow, Pussycat?”

Lewd Ladies
Blanche: “All we'd need is a devastatingly beautiful woman with a flair for seduction.”
Rose: “How about Mrs. Hufstad down the street? I mean, she's something of a dog, but she'll do it with anybody.”
Blanche: “I was talkin' about me.”
Rose: “Oh yeah. You will too.”

Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: “Hi, Dorothy. How was the funeral?”
Dorothy: “It was a humdinger, Blanche. We closed the place.”

Product Placement
Sophia: “There's my ride.”
Dorothy: “Yep. It's a Granada full of nuns.”

Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “God reminded me today that I've always had a dream, a very private dream, one I never talked about. When I was growing up, I wanted to join the convent. Well, until I was 17.”
Rose: “What happened then?”
Sophia: “Your father put his hand in my blouse.”
Blanche: “So?”
Sophia: “So I felt soiled, filthy, dirty. You know, in love.”

Sophia: “Pussycat, what are you doin' here?”
Dorothy: “Oh, I just missed you and wanted to say hi and see how you're doin'.”
Sophia: “I'm doin' fine. Ten days celibate!”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Well, you know how I like to meet rich men by gently rear-ending expensive cars at red lights?”
Rose: “Yeah.”
Blanche: “Well, you say that like it isn't great. Rose, it's the perfect plan. You get to meet the guy, exchange addresses, and then when he asks you who does good body work, you give him your phone number.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Rose: “Well, you're not gonna believe this. I've just been talking on the phone for a half-hour, and guess what.”
Blanche: “You forgot to dial first?”
Rose: “No.”
Dorothy: “You held the receiver upside down?”
Rose: “Nuh-uh.”
Dorothy: “It wasn't even the phone, it was the TV remote control.”
Rose: “No.”
Blanche: “A shoe?”
Rose: “Blanche, please. I'm not an idiot. The TV has a remote control??”

Until the Buffalo Pooped…
Sophia: “God spoke to me today at the funeral. He told me to join the order.”
Blanche: “God spoke to you? You haven't been eating chili dogs again, have you?”
Sophia: “That was an honest mistake. And to clarify, that's when I thought God was whistling to me.”

From Feud to Food
Rose: “We came to see you.”
Sophia: “Nice to see you. What a lovely surprise. Welcome to our little convent. Not even a Bundt cake, huh?”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Dorothy: “You'll have to excuse my mother. She suffered a slight stroke a few years ago which rendered her totally annoying.”

Reel References
Sophia: “God, I'm so confused. I don't know where I belong. I'm trying to wrestle with the deep religious questions of the ages. Like, what do you really want from me? What is my real purpose in life? What was Edward G. Robinson doing in ‘The Ten Commandments?’”

The Boob Tube
Sister Claire: “We'll start with the ink blots.”
Sophia: “Uh, who was a 1950s black singing group? Am I right? Am I in? Am I a nun yet??”
Dorothy: “She watches a lot of Jeopardy!”

Sophia: “It's time for me to move on. My job here is done.”
Dorothy: “I always love it when you talk like the Lone Ranger... I love you, Ma.”
Sophia: “I love you too, Tonto.”

Golden Quotes
Blanche: “I can't believe anybody would wanna be a nun. I mean, ‘nun.’ The word says it.”

Blanche: “There's nothin' wrong with that man's back.”
Rose: “How can you tell?”
Blanche: “Because I know the crooked walk of man when his back has been injured. I cannot tell you how many men I have seen limp out of my bedroom.”

Dorothy: “Ma, you actually went to a convent? Why didn't I know that?”
Sophia: “Because you're divorced. Technically, in the eyes of the church you don't even exist. I spit on you. Unless, of course, the sister would like to spit on you first.”

Sister Claire: “We have very strict guidelines when selecting postulants, so we're going to put Sophia through a battery of psychological tests. It helps weed out the crazies and undesirables.
Dorothy: “Sorry, Ma.”

Blanche: “Rose, I won't go all the way. I'll just get him in the bedroom and, uh, put him through the normal warm-ups. And we'll have a certain Scandinavian nitwit hidin' in the closet with a camera.”
Rose: “Wouldn't it be better if I hid in the closet??”
Blanche: “Yes, Rose, I suppose it would.”
Rose: “But do you really think you can get him to remove the neck brace?”
Blanche: “Oh, please. I once got a man to crawl out of a full body cast!”

Sophia: “Rose, just remember, you're smarter than people say you are. You've got common sense and you know what you're doing.”
Rose: “Oh, Sophia.”
Sophia: “Blanche, you're a slut.”
Blanche: “Oh, Sophia.”

Dorothy: “Look, I got a card from Ma.”
Rose: “Oh, Dorothy, read it out loud.”
Dorothy: “‘Dear Pussycat, I have everything I need, but it's hard to get a decent bikini wax. Dorothy, I remember you fondly, and the same goes for Blanche and Rita. Wish you were here. No one can reach the third shelf in the pantry. Best, Sister Ma.”

Blanche: “You know what I'm gonna miss most about Sophia? The way she used to tease me. The way she would ever-so-subtly jab me with names like ‘tramp," ‘floozy,’ ‘trollop,’ ‘harlot,’ ‘magic carpet ride.’”
Rose: “’The human luge.’”
Dorothy: “But she was never cuter than when she simply called you ‘shore leave.’”
Blanche: “Oh God, I miss that woman.”

Sophia: “Clear out. It's the man… Hello, Reverend Mother. My, you look holier-than-thou today.”
Mother Superior: “Save it, Sister Suck Up.”

Mother Superior: “It's my feeling that life here is too structured for her.”
Dorothy: “I'm afraid I don't follow you.”
Mother Superior: “She is a stubborn, old, vindictive pack mule of a woman who won't follow the rules.”
Dorothy: “OK, I'm back with you.”

Dorothy: “Ma, where are Blanche and Rose?”
Sophia: “Oh, they wanted to browse in the gift shop. They're having a sale on John the Baptist place mats.”

Okay, so I know that Rose isn’t the brightest color in the crayon box but she seriously doesn’t know what a TV remote control is? I can’t even buy that she’s really that stupid. The writers really dumbed her down by this point; she was borderline mentally challenged. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I mean it is still funny after all. But I digress. Who doesn’t love this nuntastic episode? I’d like to think this was the inspiration for “Sister Act” which was released just two years later. So, I’ve lost track of how many times nuns and priests have appeared on this show. In fact, the only character who was never seen in a nun’s outfit on show was Dorothy. Anyways, let’s be honest, Rose and Blanche’s storyline is basically a snooze until thy the final moment of the episode when they rush outta the bedroom with Blanche dressed as a nurse and the guy who’s suing Rose chasing her in his boxer shorts. The writers were constantly writing B stories that resulted in quick but funny moments like this. But let’s get to the real meat of the episode: Sophia, as a nun. There are so many great gags here. The ink blot scene is hilarious and nuns playing poker with Sophia is hilarious. However, the real burning question is how the hell did Sophia sneak in that poster of the sweaty hunk with a reverse image of the pope into her convent bedroom? That is the truly deep religious question of the ages. GRADE: A-

Thursday, March 8, 2018

Zborn Again S6E7

Synopsis: After finding success with the Zbornie, Stan begins to woo Dorothy; Rose deals with a woman at work whom she finds annoying.

90s Flashback
Rose: “Oh, Sophia, did we wake you again?”
Sophia: “No, I'm up because I'm feeling frisky. What say we get out the Ouija board--”
Blanche: “Oh, Sophia, you already said that.”
Sophia: “It's the middle of the night. You want something fresh, turn on Letterman.”

Sophia: “Excuse me, Abby. I'd like to inject some candor here. I'd also like to inject a tranquilizer dart into your backside. But my dart gun was confiscated after the incident with the trick-or-treaters. In my defense, it was dark, and I was unaware of this Ninja Turtle craze. But I digress.”

…Until the Buffalo Pooped
Mr. Percy: “Excuse me. Can I get your attention, please? I'd like to clear the air.”
Sophia: “Don't look at me I haven't had a raw vegetable in six months.”

That’s What She Said
Blanche: “Dorothy, the man sent you meat.”

Lewd Ladies
Blanche: “Dorothy Zbornak, did you do what I think you did tonight?”
Dorothy: “I don't know what on earth you're - YES.”
Rose: “I can't believe this…”
Blanche: “How could you sleep with that man?”
Rose: “She slept with him??”
Blanche: “What did you think she did?”
Rose: “Well, she looks like she was pushing his car.”

Picture It
Sophia: “It's a good thing I'm up, because it so happens that I have a story for you, the sex story to end all sex stories. Sicily, 1922. I stop by a little trattoria... No, wait. I'm thinkin' of the best meal I ever had.”

Insult Watch
Dorothy: “I don't need to rehearse.”
Blanche: “Oh, I think it's a good idea, Dorothy. If you like, I'll be Stan.”
Sophia: “Beat it. I already got dibs on Stan. You be Dorothy.”
Blanche: “Don't be stupid. Besides, Rose ought to be Dorothy.”
Rose: “No, thanks. But I'll play Stan.”
Sophia: “Well, I'm not playing Dorothy, although playing a sap on stilts would be a cakewalk. No offense, Pussycat.”
Dorothy: “None taken, you cankerous little prune.”

Product Placement
Dorothy: “Ma, did you eat all this candy?”
Sophia: “I was lookin' for the prize.”
Dorothy: “Prizes are in Cracker Jacks.”
Sophia: “Boy, you forget something new every day, don't you?”

Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “As we say back in Sicily, sticks and stones can break your bones, but cement pays homage to tradition.”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “So there's this cognitive dissonance between her actual and her ideal self which causes her to be practically dysfunctional. But of course, I'm no psychologist.”
Blanche: “No, you're a nitwit. How come you know those words?”
Dorothy: “Blanche, come on, it's not nice calling her a nitwit. But since the cat's out of the bag. How do you know those words?”
Rose: “I guess it's from reading The American Journal of Abnormal Psychology. It's published in St. Olaf, you know. In fact, my Uncle Gunther used to be the editor.”
Sophia: “And what were you, the centerfold?”
Blanche: “I'm sorry, but I refuse to believe you have ever read a scientific journal.”
Rose: “Believe what you want. See if I care. Hypersexual bitch.”

Rose: “Blanche, I can't get Abby off the phone.”
Blanche: “Tell her a St. Olaf story.”
Rose: “What'll that do?”
Blanche: “Give it a shot.”
Rose: “You know, Abby, something like that happened to me in St. Olaf. Sure, I understand. Yeah, this is a good time to replace the batteries in your smoke alarm. That's odd. She hung up.”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Dammit, Dorothy, if you'd have sex in public more often, this kind of thing wouldn't happen!”

Rose: “What was the best sex you ever had, Blanche?”
Dorothy: “Oh way to go, Rose. Look, Blanche, it's late, there's only one cheesecake left, so let's make menopause the cutoff point.”
Blanche: “Best sex. Oh, it's just so hard to rate these things. There's degree of difficulty, style points, choice of music. Did they land on their feet during the dismount? Different people have different strengths. It's just impossible to tell, but anything over a nine is excellent.”
Rose: “Over a nine?!”
Blanche: “Points, Rose. Points.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Rose: “You're right. Put my foot down. Get it off my chest.”
Dorothy: “Hi, Rose. Where you goin'?”
Rose: “Dorothy, I'm gonna get something off my foot.”
Dorothy: “Good for you, Rose. Careful of the carpet.”

Stan: “Babe, you will never guess what I went out and bought today. It's got whitewall tires, original upholstery, and it's the same one we took to our senior prom.”
Dorothy: “Stan, that's impossible.”
Rose: “No, Dorothy, don't give up. We'll get this.”
Stan: “It's in the driveway right now. 1948, bullet-nosed, and it says ‘Studebaker’ right across the back just like my old one.”
Rose: “OK, OK, no more hints.”
Dorothy: “Rose, head down. It's quiet time.”
Rose: “Well let’s see, is it something that floats?”

Lesbian. Lesbian? LESBIAN??
Dorothy: “Blanche, I need to talk to you privately. There's this person, someone I've known for quite a while, and lately there seems to be this attraction developing, an attraction I've been trying to deny. [Blanche backs away] Blanche, what are you doing?”
Blanche: “It's a curse. My beauty's always been a curse. I'm sorry, Dorothy, but like the fatal blossom of the graceful jimson weed, I entice with my fragrance but can provide no succor.”
Dorothy: “I'm talking about Stanley, you idiot.”

From Feud to Food
Sophia: “Just be careful. And remember what they taught you at parochial school. Keep both your feet on the ground, no patent leather shoes and macaroni and cheese every Wednesday.”
Dorothy: “Thank you, Ma. She's lost it.”

The Boob Tube
Dorothy: “I gave him a little kiss.”
Sophia: “Trust me, that was no little kiss. That was more like a dental checkup. Your whole head was practically in his mouth.”
Dorothy: “All right, Ma. All right.”
Sophia: “‘A little kiss,’ she says. The man almost digested her. It was like watching a Nova special.”

Reel References
Sophia: “Ever since he made a fortune on that baked potato opener, he's been comin' on to you like gangbusters, and I don't like it. Not that I've ever actually seen gangbusters, but I did see Ghostbusters and I didn't like that, either. I mean, they couldn't give the black guy one funny line? And how about that sequel? Dorothy, what the hell were we just talkin' about?”

Golden Quotes
Dorothy: “Card says these are for me. They're from Stanley. ‘Roses are red, violets are blue. I hope you enjoy this candy. It cost me 42.’ You know - and I'm guessing here - I'll bet you that Stan wrote this himself.”

Dorothy: “I don't want to hear any more about this. And you and I can argue till the cows come home.”
Rose [entering with Blanche]: “We're home!”

Stan: “All the memories we had in that car, huh? The cruising, the drive-ins, the road trips.”
Sophia: “And don't forget the accident you had in that car.”
Stan: “What accident?”
Sophia: “I'll give you a hint. It costs me 10 bucks every Christmas and still calls me Grandma.”

Police officer: “My God, what are you kids doin' in there??”
Dorothy: “It's all right, Officer. We're divorced.”

Rose: “Oh Sophia, you're up. Were we makin' too much noise?”
Sophia: “No, I'm awake because I was feeling frisky. What say we get out the Ouija board and scare up our husbands?”

Rose: “Oh, thank you, Sophia.”
Sophia: “You're welcome, Pussycat.”
Rose: “I'm not Dorothy.”
Sophia: “From now on I'm calling everybody Pussycat. It's cheaper than buying new glasses.”

Dorothy: “It was dark, and Stan stopped the car. I swear to you, I thought I was setting the parking brake.”
Rose: “Well, that's good. Safety first.”

Rose: “I remember the best sex of my whole life.”
Dorothy: “Was it difficult to get out of the relationship afterwards?”
Rose: “No, not really. Poor Charlie died in the middle of it… There was something wild about him that night. Although I did think it was strange when he started yelling, ‘Rose, I'm going! I'm going!’”
Dorothy: “Talk about your mixed emotions.”

Sophia: “Wait a minute. Why were we just telling our Best Sex Ever stories?”
Dorothy: “Gee, I don't - I don't know how it started.”
Rose: “Well, sure you do Dorothy. Remember? You thought you were grabbing Stan's parking brake.”

Sophia: “I won't allow it, not while you're living in my house.”
Blanche: “Sophia, this is my house.”
Sophia: “It is? Oh, right. Then let me give you two words of advice - enough wicker.”

Critique: So apparently the comic strip "Apartment 3-G" ran for 54 years, ending in 2015. I wonder if they ever made it to the next day? But I digress. It must be noted that “Zborn Again” marks Arrested Development creator Mitchel Hurwitz’s first writing credit for The Golden Girls. I can’t say the plot here is all that original. It’s hard to buy that Dorothy would actually fall for Stan all over again, (and again, and again for that matter). But Dorothy and Stan have such great chemistry (thanks to Bea and Herb) that you can’t help but somehwat hope for these folks to end up happy together. I also don't buy that Rose would hate one of her co-workers. There was an entire subplot about Rose's co-worker not liking her for crying out loud. What this episode lacks in plot originality it makes up for with really funny, witty humor and dialogue. Six seasons in, the ladies were more than comfortable in their roles and it shows. Though some character traits became more pronounced around this time. Rose became much more stupid than she ever was. Like yeah she was naive but now she’s basically moronic. And Dorothy, while always a punching bag, really becomes the butt of ridicule that entertains but you get the sense it was taking its toll on Bea. But that’s beside the point because this episode is effing hilarious. So many great lines; one of my favorites being “Dahrathy the man sent ya MEAT.” I'm also sad that we never really got to say goodbye to Enrrrrrique Mas! Anywho, does Rose’s co-worker Abby look familiar to you? The character actress appeared as school bus driver Dorothy Harris in “Forrest Gump” among other things Note: I’m adding a new category called “Lesbian. Lesbian? LESBIAN??” for any and all remaining moments of lesbian tension. Too bad Jean never made a return appearance. GRADE: A-