Synopsis: Dorothy
hires a nurse to care for Sophia after she injures herself; Blanche’s
granddaughter Melissa visits who she promptly enters into the Little
Miss Miami Pageant.
90s Flashback
Dorothy: “Look, I
know you are both upset, but nothing I have heard is grounds for
firing the woman.”
Nurse DeFarge: “Oh,
excuse me, ladies. Oh, by the way, Dorothy, a man called wanting to
know if you were free Saturday night, but I forgot to write down the
number. Sorry.”
Dorothy: “Hasta la
vista, baby!”
Musical Moments
Nurse DeFarge
[singing]: “Well, it won't be a stylish marriage”
Sophia: “I
can't afford a carriage.”
Both: “But
you'll look sweet/Upon the seat/Of a
bicycle built for two”
Dorothy: “Oh my
God, they've bonded!”
Blanche: “Honey,
do you remember the words? Gray skies are gonna clear up/Put on a
happy face Come on, sweetheart, sing. Brush off the clouds and
cheer up. Go down the stairs. Here's where you move your feet.
Move! Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy/It's not your She
was so good at home. You'll look so good that you'll be glad you
decided to smile Smile.
Pick out a pleasant outlook/Stick out that noble chin Stick it
out. If you sing, I'll buy you a puppy. Slap on a happy grin/And
spread sunshine all. Oh, let me have that boa. Just, put on a
happy/Put on a happy. Her daddy's still in the Gulf. Put on a
happy. Melissa? Face!”
Sophia
[gets up from wheelchair to dance]: “Daisy, Daisy/Give me
your answer true, I'm... [seeing Dorothy] Hello.”
Dorothy: “Helloooo.”
Sophia: “It's a
miracle! I can walk!”
Shady Pines, Ma
Dorothy: “Ma, what
are you doing?”
Sophia: “I'm
rolling for my life. You hired the Angel of Death from Shady Pines.”
Dorothy: “Ma,
don't be ridiculous. She is not the Angel of Death. She is a private
nurse with excellent references. And for the last time, Shady Pines
is a very reputable rest home.”
Sophia: “I'm
telling you, Dorothy, they used to pre-sell our bodies to medical
schools. That was the big joke, ‘how would you like to go to
college??’”
Brooklyn: A
Fairyland
Dorothy: “Blanche,
I'm not sure that this is a good idea, either. I mean, beauty
pageants are archaic and sexist, not to mention degrading.”
Rose: “Lost the
Little Miss Brooklyn contest, did you?”
Dorothy: “I
practiced that trombone for weeks! And there was Ma sitting in the
front row, sucking a lemon.”
Blanche: “Well,
you were just nervous because your mother was in the front row.”
Dorothy: “She was
a judge.”
Insult Watch
Blanche: “This
competition's gonna be a piece of cake, Rose. Just look around. Ugly!
No charisma. Now there's a gym teacher waitin’ to happen.”
Rose: “Blanche,
how can you say that? All these girls are adorable.”
Blanche: “Oh,
yeah, sure. I just wish I had that one's nose full of nickels.”
Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “Dorothy,
I really wish you'd respect my feelings about this.”
Dorothy: “Ma, I
really wish you had voted for me in the Little Miss Brooklyn
pageant!”
Sophia: “Hey, I
calls 'em as I sees 'em.”
Back in St. Olaf
Blanche: “Look at
this face, girls. How could a child this gorgeous lose? I think it's
a great idea.”
Rose: “Oh sure it
is, if you like the notion of children competing in a bloodthirsty,
winner-take-all contest, where what's on the outside is considered
more important than what's on the inside.”
Dorothy: “Lost the
Little Miss St. Olaf pageant, did you?”
Rose: “Twenty-three
years in a row. Once they picked Eileen Ditmeyer's imaginary playmate
over me. Well, sure, she was more talented, but still, I smelled a
rat.”
Blanche: “You mean
the contest was fixed?”
Rose: “No, that
was my talent. Smelling rats!”
Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “I swear,
I have no idea how to keep her entertained.”
Dorothy: “Honey,
the important thing is to spend time with her. Why don't you do
something that both of you enjoy? Why don't you take her to the
movies, to the beach? Why don't you take her to the petting zoo?”
Blanche: “The
Petting Zoo?? Dorothy, even I don't go to that club anymore.”
Until the Buffalo
Pooped…
Sophia: “Well,
it's your fault I sprained both my ankles.”
Dorothy: “Ma, you
were the one who sneezed and blew yourself off the stool.”
Sophia: “It
wouldn't have happened if you'd let me sit at the table that night.”
Dorothy: “Look
Ma, you know the rules. When we eat Mexican food, you sit at the
counter.”
Dorothy Zbornak is
My Spirit Animal
Dorothy: “Now,
it's settled. I'll have a nurse here tomorrow.”
Sophia: “Wouldn't
it be cheaper just to set me adrift on some ice flow?”
Dorothy: “If it
were, do you think you'd still be here?”
Literary
Intelligentsia
Blanche: “Melissa,
may I speak with you, please?”
Rose: “Could you
wait a moment? Someone's having a story read to her.”
Blanche: “I'm
sorry. Go ahead.”
Melisa [reading]:
“And the prince took the princess to the castle and they lived
happily ever after. The end.”
Rose: “They didn't
get married??”
Melissa: “That's
implied.”
Reel References
[Nurse DeFarge
changes the channel]
Blanche: “Hey!”
Dorothy: “What are
you doing?”
Rose: “We were
gonna watch The Nun's Story. I've never seen it before.”
Nurse DeFarge: “Oh,
she leaves the convent in the end.”
The Boob Tube
Nurse DeFarge: “Here
it is, Ironside. He's the master of the wheelchair. Just look at the
way he takes those corners.”
Sophia: “Oh, come
on. The guy's got radials.”
Dorothy: “Excuse
me, we were watching something else.”
Nurse DeFarge:
“Well, Sophia wants to watch Ironside, and I believe a happy
patient is a healthy patient.”
Golden Quotes
Sophia: “I don't
need a nurse. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”
Dorothy: “Oh,
really? Then why have you been running me ragged doing things for
you?”
Sophia: “Honestly?
It tickles me.”
Melissa: “Grandma
took me down to the docks to watch the sailors come in.”
Dorothy: “I
remember spending that quality wharf time with my grandma.”
Melissa: “Oh and
guess what? Grandma gave me a new nickname to call her in front of
the Navy.”
Dorothy: “Oh, what
was that?”
Melissa: “Sis.”
Blanche: “Well,
she calls her other grandmother ‘Grandma.’ This just cuts down on
the confusion. Run along, darlin’. Run along.”
Melissa: “Hi, my
name's Melissa, and I'm five years old.”
Rose: “Blanche,
she's seven.”
Dorothy: “No, that
works out to be five in Blanche years.”
Blanche: “Honey,
the pageant is just a few days away. You can go to that circus any
old time. How many years can you enter the Little Miss contest?”
Dorothy: “Evidently,
twenty-three.”
Rose: “At least my
mother voted for me.”
Dorothy: “Ah,
Nurse DeFarge, right on time.”
Nurse DeFarge: “Of
course I'm right on time. I'm always on time. You know what happens
when a nurse is late? People die.”
Nurse DeFarge:
“Popcorn, Ma?”
Sophia: “Oh, no,
it gets caught in my teeth.”
Nurse DeFarge: “I
tell you what, I'll floss them while you nap.”
Sophia: “You're a
good kid.”
Nurse DeFarge: “You
want plain floss or mint-flavored?”
Sophia: “Surprise
me.”
Blanche: “Dorothy,
at 2:00 a. m. this morning, I was entertaining a gentleman caller
when she opened the door at the most inopportune time. I could have
lost my balance and chipped a tooth.”
Rose: “You think
that's annoying? She came into my room last night when I was
reenacting the gangplank scene from Peter Pan.”
Dorothy: “What the
hell goes on at night in this house?”
Dorothy: “I hate
this. I am not good at firing people. I've never been good at
confrontations.”
Rose: “How about
when you made that cop cry?”
Dorothy: “Then he
wasn't much of a cop, was he?”
Rose: “Maybe I
better talk to Nurse DeFarge. I think I could handle it with a little
more tact.”
Nurse DeFarge: “Ah,
good morning, ladies.”
Rose: “Not for
you, Nursey-nurse-nurse-nurse.”
Sophia: “You're a
good daughter. Take a lesson, Pussycat.”
Nurse: “You're
Pussycat, too?”
Dorothy: “I am
Pussycat One. YOU are Pussycat Two.”
Melissa: “Grandma,
I don't think I can sing in front of all those people out there.”
Blanche: “But of
course you can, sweetheart. You're just a little nervous.”
Stage mom: “They
always get this way before the talent portion. My Clarisse still gets
butterflies before she twirls her fire batons.”
Clarisse: “Fire
scares me.”
Stage mom: “But I
just remind her that Mommy is right off stage with a big bucket of
baking soda, and then she feels better.”
Clarisse: “It
scares me a lot.”
Stage mom: “Well,
anyway, good luck to you both. Come along, Clarisse.”
Clarisse: “Help
me!”
Nurse DeFarge:
“Congratulations, Sophia. I am so proud of you. But I suppose this
means that my work here is done. But don't you worry about me. As
long as there's pain and suffering in the world, I'll be okay.”
Dorothy: “Get back
here, you deceitful little Sicilian gecko!!”
Sophia: “I wuv
you.”
Dorothy: “Too
wittle, too wate.”
Dorothy: “Why did
you lie to me?”
Sophia: “Because,
for the first time in my life, somebody was paying attention to me,
pampering me, and it was nice. Mildred made me feel special, feel
loved.”
Dorothy: “But what
about the awful way she made the rest of us feel?”
Sophia: “Hey, that
was just gravy.”
Dorothy: “Look,
Ma, I know I don't pamper you. But the reason I make you do things
for yourself, is because I wanna keep you active and vital. The best
way to show you I care is to make sure that you, you don't settle
into old age.”
Sophia: “So you're
saying you make me vacuum and dust and scrape crusty stuff off the
tile because you love me??”
Dorothy: “Honestly?
It tickles me.”
Critique:
Did anyone else actually want to see Clarisse twirl her fire batons?
If I were her I’d probably chuck them at my horrible stage mom (For
the record I’d also like to see Rose reenact the gangplank scene
from Peter Pan). But I digress. We’re three episodes into Season 7
and this episode has easily been the one with the most restraint so
far. Even though I’m sure if Sophia blew herself off the stool
she’d break more than her ankles. If she thought her oonie was hurt before... Anyways, watching Sophia and Nurse
DeFarge (the endlessly cheery Edie McClurg) “bond” has some truly
great moments. Their interactions with the rest of the ladies provide
the episode’s biggest laughs. The running joke about Rose and
Dorothy competing in their hometowns’ respective Little Miss
pageants is a highlight. And even if it seems a bit mean-spirited I
love the way Blanche insults all the children backstage at the Little Miss Miami
pageant. I love a good takedown of a beauty pageant especially if it
consists of children and their crazy parents who force them to
compete. Fun fact: Alisan Porter, who plays Blanche’s granddaughter
Melissa, as we all know went on to play Curly Sue in the film of the
same name. But I bet you didn’t know the movie was released about 3 weeks
after this episode first aired. GRADE: A-
