That’s What She Said
Blanche: “Just open it anywhere and
the magic will touch you.”
Lewd Ladies
Dr. Harry Weston: “This is a proxy?”
Nurse Laverne Todd: “He'll do it in
his own bed, but there's something about doing it in a public place.”
Dr. Harry Weston: “Kinda like sex.”
Nurse Laverne Todd: “Maybe where you
come from.”
Zbornak Zingers
Dorothy: “Dr. Budd?”
Dr. Budd: “Yes?”
Dorothy: “You probably don't remember
me, but you told me I wasn't sick. Do you remember? You told me I was
just getting old.”
Dr. Budd: “I'm sorry. I really don't-”
Dorothy: “Remember. Maybe you're
getting old.”
Insult Watch
Blanche: “Since when are you a
literary critic, Rose Nylund?”
Rose: “Well I'm not.”
Blanche: “You're from Minnesota. What
have you read, for God's sake? Silas Marner? Paul Bunyan? Nothing.
You know nothing. People from Minnesota are considered well-read if
they get through the Sears catalog.”
Oh Shut Up, Rose
Waiter: “Ladies, drinks?”
Dorothy: “Champagne. The best you
have.”
Rose: “Dorothy, that's so expensive.”
Blanche: “Shut up, Rose.”
Product Placement
Dr. Harry Weston: “Dorothy. Dorothy.
Don’t smash the Play-Doh.”
Sassy Sophia
Dr. Chang: “If there are no more
questions, I'll order some blood work-”
Sophia: “I have a question.”
Dr. Chang: “Of course, Mrs. Petrillo.”
Sophia: “When I order at Fung Chow's
and say no MSG, do they really put it in anyway?”
Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “All I ever wanted was to be
special. I thought this would do it. I thought I'd publish a novel
and I'd be special. 'Course, I've always been special because of my
looks, but they won't last forever. I have to be realistic - another
20 or 30 years. My face and body might start to go and then I'll have
nothing. Nothing to make me special.”
Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Sophia: “Rose, what the hell are you
doing?”
Rose: “I'm making omelets for us
without yolk so we don't get too much cholesterol. And that leaves us
all these yolks, which I hate to throw out, so I thought we'd give
them to the homeless.”
Sophia: “Fine. Give them egg yolks.
They'll die of heart attacks. They won't need homes. Your heart's in
the right place, Rose, but I don't know where the hell your brain
is.”
From Feud to Food
Sophia: “You're a genius. All your
people are brilliant. The Chinese invented pasta, you know. We take
credit for it, but we just added oregano.”
What, We Can’t Learn From History?
Blanche: “My brain's gone. My body is
limp with exhaustion. I suppose all the greats knew this feeling. And
the thing is, after all this I've decided not to sell my book. It's
too good to sell. They can publish it after I'm dead, like Vincent
van Gogh.”
Dorothy: “Van Gogh was a painter,
Blanche.”
Blanche: “Whatever. It's all the same
thing. We're all artists. We're all misunderstood. He cut off his
hair. Maybe I'll cut off mine.”
Dorothy: “He cut off his ear.”
Blanche: “I have too many earrings.”
Sophia: “We gotta go. I hate to leave.
I've never seen a show like this before.”
Literary Intelligentsia
Rose: “Blanche, you are exhausted. You
have to sleep.”
Blanche: “To sleep, perchance to
dream. My God, what a wonderful line. Oh! I'm getting so good I can't
stand it. I ought to write that in my book, that line.”
Reel References
Blanche: “Give me back my book. This
is why Hollywood won't get it either. I will not have my words coming
out of Glenn Close's mouth. I'd rather die.”
Sophia: “The man's a genius. By the
way, I loved Flower Drum Song.”
Golden Quotes
Blanche: “My God, I'm hallucinating. I see little balls of sunshine in a bag. Does this mean something??”
Rose: “Those are egg yolks, Blanche.”
Dorothy: “Harry, am I gonna die?”
Dr. Harry Weston: “I'm afraid so.”
Dorothy: “Do you really think so?”
Dr. Harry Weston: “Sooner or later, I guarantee it. Unless, of course, the Japanese come up with something.”
Rose: “Good luck, Dorothy. I hope he
finds something wrong with you. Oh, I don't mean something wrong
wrong. I just mean something wrong so you know you're right when you
know there's something wrong and you haven't been wrong all along.”
Blanche: “My God, I can't even
understand people when they speak anymore, I'm so tired. What'd she
just say, Dorothy? Was that a po-em?”
Blanche: “I can trust you, I know I
can. You're from Minnesota. People from Minnesota are honest.
They don't lie. What could you possibly
find to lie about on a farm? Must be some state. Lots of lakes and
nice, pale people. I'd drown myself.”
Blanche: “I'm so mad I could scream.”
*screams*
Rose: “That's the first time I ever
heard anybody say, ‘I'm so mad I could scream’ and actually do
it. It's like saying, ‘I laughed all the way to the bank.’ I
never saw anybody do that either.”
Rose: “You know, I'm getting sick of
you knocking Minnesota. Maybe we're not as sophisticated as Miami,
maybe we don't have French boutiques and valet parking and face-lifts
for Christmas vacation, but we have friends and family and a sense of
community and caring, and that's pretty special. And our people are
special too. And if we have farms, that's great. Without farms, you
couldn't eat, and without eating, you wouldn't be able to go on a
diet, and if you couldn't do that, what would you do for the rest of
your life?! Was I harsh?”
Dorothy: “It is a celebration.”
Waiter: “What are we celebrating?”
Sophia: “My daughter found out she has
a debilitating disease.”
Critique:
Little. Balls. Of. Sunshine. In. A. Bag.
Those seven words echo loudly throughout Golden Girls fandom.
It’s probably one of the most popular scenes in the entire series
and features Rue McClanahan as we’ve never seen her before; and she
totally sells the shit out of it. For a brief moment you sort of
forget the possibility that Dorothy could be dying. Speaking of
Dorothy, Bea really kills it in that final scene at the restaurant
when she rips the doctor from New York a new one (who just so happens
to be vacationing in Miami and eating dinner at the same exact
restaurant, but I digress) but let’s address the elephant in the
room shall we? Bea is reading from cue cards off-camera and it’s
only been distracting ever since I found out about it, so it’s my
duty to make sure you know that as well. It’s ok Bea, we still love
you; it was a pretty long (and awesome) monologue after all. This is
a staple, fan-favorite two-part episode and Dorothy is finally diagnosed with
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (which writer Susan Harris had
symptoms of but it turned out not to be CFS). The ending is a nice
little F.U. to the male dominated medical profession and an ode to
women who aren’t taken seriously. As Rose once said, "Go Dorothy Go!" Sure there are no St. Olaf stories, tales from the Old South, or nostalgic trips to Sicily - not to mention Sophia's mildly racist, but funny scene with Dr. Chang - but it's a totally solid half hour. Note: I'm adding a category called "From Feud to Food" for all those fun culinary references. GRADE: A-
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