Synopsis: The girls are in charge of the Ladies Auxiliary Variety Show and have trouble finding an MC; until a somewhat delusional Rose insists that her father, Bob Hope, will do it. Sophia tries to get her magician boyfriend into the show.
Sophia: “This Rose/Bob Hope thing reminds me of a similar situation back in my village. Florence Pontevecchio used to fantasize that Alberto Bolognese was her brother.”
Blanche: “Who was Alberto Bolognese?”
Sophia: “He was the boot maker in the village.”
Dorothy: “Well what's so special about that?”
Sophia: “Did I say it was special? I said it was similar. I'm having a cup of tea, talking. The two of you have a look on your face like you paid for Phantom of the Opera tickets.”
A large man, who also shows up as Michael Jackson's bodyguard in “Brother Can You Spare That Jacket?”, sings “Puff the Magic Dragon” as his audition for the Variety Show. He insists that if he increases his steroids by 100mg he can sing just like Barbara Mandrel.
The Donatello Triplets sing “These Boots Are Made for Walkin'”
Rose says her adopted parents' last name was Nylund. WTF?
Rose says her adopted parents' last name was Nylund. WTF?
Let’s Get Political
Mr. Bob Hope: “Did you hear that Ronald Reagan has just moved back to Hollywood? That's just what Hollywood needs: another unemployed actor.”
That’s What She Said
Blanche: “Sophia, he's terrible.”
Sophia: “No, he's not. He's terrific. Oh, you mean the act? We'll work on that.”
Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Blanche: “Listen, the caddy said Mr. Hope just finished his round of golf. He's gotta be in here somewhere.”
Dorothy: “What if he is? He's not about to do a favor for three people who look like Sam Snead with a hormone problem.”
Frieda: “I heard that ticket sales are not going very well, I heard that you have not been able to find any good talent. and I heard that Kent Ferguson has canceled and we don't have an MC for the show.”
Blanche: Yeah well, I heard that you've been sleeping with the Japanese guy who blows the leaves outta your driveway!”
Blanche: “Girls, something terrible has happened.”
Dorothy: “Gee, and everything was going so well up until now.”
Sophia: “I realized I had no talent, so I decided to become an agent. Why Ryan O'Neal hasn't come to the same conclusion, I'll never understand.”
Mr. Bob Hope: “Do you know Reagan left office with the highest popularity rating since FDR. He was more popular than Tammy Bakker at a Maybelline convention.”
Dorothy: “Ma! What the hell are you doing here?”
Sophia: “I gnawed through my leather restraints and outran the new guard dog.”
Back in St. Olaf
Dorothy: “Oh, this is terrible. The Ladies Auxiliary puts me in charge of the variety show, and we can't come up with one decent act.”
Rose: “I was just thinking, it's too bad we're not back in St. Olaf.”
Blanche: “Why? They have a lot of talent back in St. Olaf?”
Rose: “No. It's lunchtime there. I could really go for a smoked kipper hero.”
Dorothy: “Rose, I have known you for over five years. And in that time, I have heard the most bizarre stories I have ever heard in my entire life. There was Clovis the two-headed mule who skied backwards on buttermilk.”
Rose: “It was cottage cheese.”
Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “This whole fantasy about Bob Hope is sick.”
Blanche: “I mean if she's gonna have fantasies, they ought to be the normal, healthy kind. Like sweaty Argentinean cowboys whipping things while they ride naked on the back of Brahma bulls.
Dorothy: “I have to remember to stop using your towels.”
Blanche: “Oh my God, you're really Mr. Bob Hope. Oh being this close to you is the biggest thrill of my life.”
Bob Hope: “If you were any closer, there wouldn't be room for my car keys.”
Blanche: “Dorothy, I have terrible news. We don't have an MC for the talent show. Kent Ferguson, the KTMB weatherman, has just dropped out.”
Dorothy: “Oh you have to be kidding. What happened?”
Blanche: “He's filling in for Willard Scott on the Today show. It seems Willard ate some bad scallops on the air that he got through the mail. He wandered over to the critics' corner and lost his cookies on Gene Shalit. Gene thought it was because Willard disagreed with his review of 'The Accidental Tourist.' Willard apologized and left the studio. Officially, they're saying he's 'on assignment.'”
Dorothy: “Well, at least some good came of it. I mean it's about time someone threw up on Gene Shalit.”
The Boob Tube
Dorothy: “Forget it. You force your way into the show every year, and every year, it's a total disaster. You can't sing, you can't dance, you can't tell jokes. I'm sorry, you can't be in the show.”
"'You can't be in the show. You can't be in the show.' Who are you, Ricky Ricardo?”
Rose: “Would it help if I got Bob Hope to be our MC?”
Dorothy: “How are you going to get Bob Hope?”
Rose: “Easy. He's my father.”
Blanche: “Rose, have you been forgetting to wash the fruit before you eat it?”
Rose: “What you need is faith.”
Dorothy: “And what you need is a psychiatrist who enjoys a challenge.”
Dorothy: “The Donatello Triplets, ladies and gentlemen. I'll bet those boots have more miles on them than uh... Joan Collins' waterbed... her waterbed.”
Oh dear lord how absurd is this entire episode? Where does one even begin? The terrible variety acts? The cross-dressing? The whole Bob Hope thing? The way Dorothy pronounces programs as “progrims?” Writers Barry Fanaro and Mort Nathan must have certainly been puffing on their own magic dragon. But I digress. Sometimes you just have to go with the ridiculousness. Rose is a bit delusional here but it makes for a rather fun episode. It's great seeing Dorothy and Blanche's reactions to the crazy stuff Rose says. There are so many great bits here: The bizarre acts in the talent show including Misha Sklarkievich and his absent brother (“I know I know, it's better with your brother!”) and the scene in which the girls infiltrate the men's locker room at a charity golf tournament. I'd like to think they knocked out three old men to get those outfits. And then there's the brief meeting at the house with the Ladies Auxiliary and that nasty bitch Frieda who's allegedly sleeping with the Japanese guy who blows the leaves outta her driveway. I still wanna know how Alfonso manages to bend Dorothy's keys, but like Blanche once said, “some things in life defy explanation” (like Bruce Willis' hair). GRADE: A-
I wonder how many fans would have given ANYTHING for the alternate-world Today Show story to be true (these people are before my time haha). The whole things as written and delivered by Blanche is just comic gold, with Dorothy getting a hilarious punchline at the end.ReplyDelete
I heard Rose's adoptive parents surname too - set my mind spinning for days.ReplyDelete
I came to the conclusion that Charlie Nylund must be Rose's adoptive brother or cousin (wouldn't be incest as only related by law) ... or maybe a very VERY big coincidence.