Friday, February 19, 2021

A Midwinter Night’s Dream S7E20 & 21

Synopsis: Blanche hosts a “Moonlight Madness” party and everyone is particularly horny; Rose and Miles decide to get married but Dorothy and Miles kiss, Sophia must break a Sicilian witch’s curse. 


90s Flashback

Rose: “Oh I don’t enter this for the prizes. I do it for the thrill of winning. The rush of adrenaline, when you realize that you grappled Madame Chance and flung her bloodied and beaten to the mat. And just when you think she’s dead she gets up again and you have to give one of those Van Damme moves to the jaw-”


Crazy Continuity

In a rare bit of actual continuity, Miles insists to Rose that he’s not being cheap with money again. We all know he was frickin’ frugal in the Season 7 episode “Ro$e Love$ Mile$


St. Olaf Vocab

Rose: “Herring balls?”

Dorothy: “I’m sorry Rose. I’m just sorry.”

Rose: “Oh that’s alright Dorothy, not everybody likes them.”


Animal Alert

Rose: “Come on, Dreyfuss. You're always the last one to leave a party. [Dreyfuss barks] What's that? Timmy needs help? I know. You always hate it when I do that.”


Shady Pines, Ma

Sophia: “You know what kills me, the year you locked me up at Shady Pines, she roamed around free.”


Dorothy: “Look, I'm sorry, Ma, I don't like to keep secrets.” 

Sophia: “Oh, like when you kept the secret you were taking me to Shady Pines?” 

Dorothy: “Ma, I swear I didn't sleep more than seven hours that night.”


Brooklyn: A Fairyland

Sophia: “Leap year? Full moon? Oh my god, the curse!”

Dorothy: “Ma, it’s the 90s you can call it what it is. Our monthly visitor.”

Sophia: “No, the curse of the strega. It was a curse laid on you by Lena Pascerelli, our village witch.”

Dorothy: “What village? I was born in Brooklyn.”

Sophia: “Here’s a newsflash, witches can fly.”

Dorothy: “Why did she curse me?”

Sophia: “I don’t know, maybe because you gave her the cold that eventually killed her. The point is, on her deathbed she laid a curse on you. ‘Beware the leap year’s full moon.’”

Dorothy: “That’s it, that’s the curse?”

Sophia: “What did you expect, poetry? The woman was on her deathbed, give her a break. So now there are three tasks I must perform before tomorrow’s moonrise. Or you are doomed.”

Dorothy: “And the three tasks are?”

Sophia: “Kiss a fool, help a holy man, reveal betrayal of a loved one.”


Zbornak Zingers

Rose: “Girls I did it again, I won another giveaway!”

Dorothy: “Oh what did you win this time a vasectomy?”


Insult Watch

Sophia: “Barbara, you’ve always been like a daughter to me Barbara.”

Carol: “I’m Carol.”

Sophia: “Oh yeah, the whiny one.”


Sophia: “Don't try to stop me, Dorothy. This curse is bigger than both of us. Well, bigger than me.”


Sassy Sophia

Blanche: “Dorothy would you please check my list and see if I forgot to invite anybody to my moonlight madness party?”

Dorothy: “Sure…. The women. You invited twelve men and no women.”

Blanche: “Now Dorothy, I know what you’re thinking, but Rose and Sophia are coming you’ll have somebody to talk to.”

Sophia: “No fair I had to talk to her the last time!”


Sophia: “Maybe the paperboy is right. I'm just a mean old lady.”


Back in St. Olaf

Rose: “I’m gonna have an old-fashioned St. Olaf wedding. Dorothy, you’re my best friend, will you be my maid of honor?”

Dorothy: “Oh Rose I… wait a minute I wont have to wear horns or one of those metal brassieres will I?”

Rose: “Oh, no Dorothy. I’m the one that’s getting married.”

Dorothy: “Then I’d love to.”


Best of B.E.D.

Blanche: “Well, you know this necklace is a priceless heirloom. It belonged to my Grammy. I’ve only worn it three times in my whole life, and each occasion marked the beginning of a passionate romance. And tonight, I’ve decided to wear it with clothes.”


Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose

Dorothy: “What did you win?”

Rose: “A free prostate check. Who’s stupid now?”

Dorothy: “You are.”

Rose: “Yeah. Stupid all the way to the bank.”


Rose: “A tossed salad can outwit me? Will someone please tell me what that's supposed to mean?”


Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal

Dorothy: “Oh come on Ma, that’s superstitious nonsense. You know, step on a crack break your mother’s back it doesn't work. I know. I tried.”


Dorothy: “Oh this is just crazy and wonderful and calls for a toast. To Miles and Rose! And poor, lonely Blanche.”


Dorothy: “Rose is a wonderful woman, she’s so loving and caring. Alright so she’s not perfect. So she has a few faults.”

Miles: “Like what?”

Dorothy: “SHE’S MADDENING! St. Olaf stories, sock puppets. And she’s so cheerful in the morning that you just wanna take your grapefruit and shove it in her face. Hard. As hard as she can stand it.”

Miles: “Boy, I’d like to see who was runner-up for maid of honor.”


Literary Intelligentsia

Sophia: “Technically Rose isn’t a fool. She’s a simpleton.”

Blanche: “Whats the difference?”

Sophia: “How can I explain it. Fools read ‘Dear Abby.’ Simpletons read ‘Ann Landers.’ It’s a fine line.”


Dorothy: “You’re crazy and wonderful the way you should be. It’s like Puck says in A Midsummer Night’s Dream when it comes to love: ‘Lord, what fools these morals be.’”


Dorothy: “What a night. Doesn't it feel as though we just woke from a dream? You know, it really has been like Shakespeare, with magic and moonlight and the wrong people falling in love. I mean, what does Puck say in the last speech from A Midsummer Night's Dream? ‘If we shadows have offended, Think but this, and all is mended, That you have but slumbered here While these visions did appear. And this weak and idle theme, No more yielding but a dream.’”

Sophia: “Well, pardon me while I play the grand piano.”


Reel References

Sophia: “I havent been hit on like this since I stopped hanging out at the midnight show of Harold & Maude.”

Blanche: “You mean men are coming onto you?”

Sophia: “Yeah, one guy told me he thought wrinkles were sexy. I took him out to the garage where he could see me under the fluorescents.” 


Dorothy: “It was just a little kiss.”

Sophia: “Little kiss? I haven't seen that kind of face eating since Silence of the Lambs.”


Golden Quotes

Blanche: “Dorothy, tonight’s a full moon. A night when men’s passions, like the tides, are pulled to their highest achingly unbearable peak. 

Dorothy: “Oh come on Blanche, you really think a full moon can do all that.”

Blanche: “Well just in case, I’m also filling a watermelon with tequila. But it’s not just a full moon, Dorothy, it’s a leap year’s full moon. Anything can happen. All your dreams can come true if you just believe. All you have to do is believe.”

Dorothy: “Oh I do believe! I do believe in sluts!” 


Blanche: “Dorothy, do you think this necklace complements my bosom?”

Dorothy: “Blanche, if that necklace could cheer, I’m sure it would.”


Rose: “I think I’ll just go to my room, take a couple of aspirin, turn out the lights, and... wait for the voices.”


Sophia: “Dorothy has her own allure. She’s confident. Men are attracted to a confident woman. Oh God I can never keep a straight face!”


Rose: “Actually, I’ve very tired. I dreamed all last night that I was a car muffler. And when I woke up this morning I was exhausted! Hahahaha!”


Blanche: “Look Carol, now I’m gonna be honest here. I took great pains with this guest list, and frankly there’s room here for only one young attractive female.”

Carol: “Ooo, then I just got in under the wire.”


Miles: “Boy look at that great shining orb. You know it’s hard to believe it’s been hanging there for millions of years long before man even came to be. It controls the tides, affects the weather. Without the moon the earth would be a barren, stagnant uninhabitable planet, Rose. It gives life, Rose.”

Rose: “It’s a big rock you know?”


Rose: “You know where I wanna go?”

Miles: “Where?”

Rose: “Paris.”

Miles: “Rose! You know what roundtrip bus tickets to Paris, Texas costs??”


Rabbi: “A blessing for the couple!”

Dorothy: “You invited a rabbi to a moonlight madness party?”

Rabbi: “May God bless and – OY!” 

Sophia: “Oh look a holy man in need of help. Let me help you oh holy man.”


Sophia [seeing Dorothy and Miles kissing]: “Hello, Judas.”


Sophia: “I've worked my butt off for you. I kissed a fool, I helped a holy man, and I witnessed the betrayal of a loved one. That's a lot of work for a woman who nods off all day on the couch.”


Sophia: “I'm doing this for your own good.” 

Dorothy: “For my own good? The last time you said that you volunteered me for psychological experiments.” 

Sophia: “Hey, the pay was good. And to this day nobody, nobody can make it through a maze faster than you can.” 

Rose: “Dorothy, where's the cheese?”

Dorothy: “Right turn, left turn, right turn. Must find the cheese. Must find the cheese.”


Dorothy: “Uh, let's say that uh you make Miles a batch of your delicious creamy cupcakes. And he loves them so much that he wants you to make them all the time.” 

Rose: “Miles does have a sweet tooth.” 

Dorothy: “But let's say that even though he loves your cupcakes more than life itself, one day he decides to try somebody else's cupcakes. For lack of a better example, let's say, my cupcakes. And I, in a mad, passionate moment, uh, forget myself and let him try my cupcakes. How would that make you feel?” 

Rose: “I'd like to think I'd understand.”


Rose: “I'm sorry. It's just the idea of Miles wanting to try your cupcakes.” 

Dorothy: “Why is that funny?” 

Rose: “No offense, Dorothy, but your cupcakes are dry and tasteless. Nobody ever likes your cupcakes. 

Dorothy: “My cupcakes are moist and delicious. Men love my cupcakes.”

Rose: “Get a clue, Dorothy. Men would rather pay for cupcakes.” 

Dorothy: “Let me tell you something, you Swedish meatball, I've... wait, wait a minute. You're actually talking about cupcakes, aren't you?” 

Rose: “You bet I'm talking about cupcakes. What are you talking about? Wait a minute. Have you and Miles been baking together??”


Blanche: “Oh, Dorothy, it's finally happened. I have met the man of my dreams. My reason for livin'. My soul mate. Oh, Dorothy, I feel as if I've known him for all eternity. 

Dorothy: “Oh, honey, what is his name? 

Blanche: “Derek, somethin'. Oh, Dorothy, he's so classy. He's English. You know what that means? 

Dorothy: “You've completed your ‘Men of Western Europe’ collection.”


Blanche: “Oh, please, God, let him get caught. Let him go to jail. Let him rot and die in some filthy cell with the rats gnawin' at his eyes.”

Dorothy: “You know, when you pray, the kitchen almost becomes a chapel.”


Sophia: “I saw Dorothy and Miles kissing. I said, I saw Dorothy, your friend, and Miles, your fiance, kissing. Hello? Dorothy. Miles. Lips aflame. They were kissing.”

Rose: “And?” 

Sophia: “And she's pregnant with his love child. What do you mean, ‘And??’”


Derek: “Rose, has anyone ever told you your eyes are as blue as the Mediterranean in summer?” Rose: “No. I've been warned if I cross them, they'll stay that way.”


Rose: “Miles, maybe you did it because you're just a little nervous about us getting married.” Miles: “Well, I am a little.”

Rose: “Well, that's because we're rushing into it for some free honeymoon. Not because we're ready. And, Dorothy, maybe subconsciously, you were trying to block my marriage because you like me living here.”

Dorothy: “Okay.”

Rose: “And, Sophia, maybe you wanted to tell me about Miles and Dorothy kissing because you're just a mean old woman like the paperboy said.”

Sophia: “Okay.”


Critique:

Anyone else wonder what was on the dirty note Dorothy got from that guy at the party? Probably  something approaching the level of 7b, though we’ll never know. But I digress. I have to mention first that Miles, as far as I can tell, is the closest character to ever say the title of the show’s theme song when he tells Dorothy “I wanna thank you for being a good friend.” But anyways, I’d like to think that those 90s teen movies that found inspiration from the works of Shakespeare and other classic literature (ie Clueless, 10 Things I Hate About You, etc) actually exist because of this episode which is obviously an ode to A Midsummer Night’s Dream (Dorothy literally quotes it twice, not thrice). This is a pretty classic final season episode of The Golden Girls as it was part of an NBC Saturday night “Full Moon Over Miami” crossover event with Empty Nest and Nurses (which is why we get appearances from Carol, Barbara AND Dreyfuss). The episode doesn’t reach the hilarity of say, “The Case of Libertine Belle” (or even the other crossover episode “The Monkey Show”) but what episode could really? This is the episode with the notorious exchange between Rose and Dorothy about whether Dorothy’s cupcakes are dry and tasteless or moist and delicious (I’m sure they’re a bit of both). Rose’s competitive, angry personality comes to a head when she literally breaks a coffee mug with her bare hand. It’s utterly ridiculous in a perfect Season 7 way. And a random observation: we get to hear Dorothy’s odd pronunciation of the word “PRO-cess” in the second part of the episode. In conclusion, I enjoy the wackiness of this episode even if it all feels a bit stretched a bit thin. But there are some pretty good lines here and fun bits of physical comedy. I could watch Sophia trip that rabbi over and over again and never get sick of it. Every performance here is at an 11 and this episode could only ever exist in the bizarro world of Season 7.  GRADE: B+


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3 comments:

  1. This is definitely a highlight of Season 7 for me; I like that it’s two parts and I think it was super funny to see the tables turn on Blanche (again). But anyway you got your health right? You can still walk can’t ya? Go get me a glass of wawdah

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  2. Spoiler alert. Blanche finally gets laid on the 'nurses' episode, the clip is on youtube lol

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