80s Flashback
Rose: “Now, is
there anything special you girls feel like doing today?”
Jackie: “Would it
be asking too much to see a movie?”
Rose: “Oh, no. We
can go see Oliver & Company or Roger Rabbit.”
Jackie: “Or
Tequila Sunrise. I hear Mel Gibson takes his shirt off a lot.”
Blanche: “You
know, Jackie, I think you and I are gonna get along just fine.”
Dorothy: “I can't
believe you did that.”
Blanche: “Don't
worry. That check was written on our vacation account that we closed
last week. The bank would sooner cash a check from Jim and Tammy
Bakker.”
Let’s Get
Political
Blanche: “Eddie's
a love machine??”
Rose: “I'm sorry,
Dorothy. I held out as long as I could. She said she'd tickle me.”
Dorothy: “You're a
regular Nelson Mandela, Rose.”
Lewd Ladies
Dorothy: “Honey,
there is more to Eddie than meets the eye. But the only thing we have
in common is under the sheets.”
Rose: “What's
under the sheets?”
Dorothy: “His
cappuccino maker. Sex, Rose. I am talking sex. We don't go to dinner,
we don't go to the movies, we just go to bed and it is terrific.”
Rose: “All that
and cappuccino too?”
Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: “Dorothy
Zbornak, are you just getting in?”
Dorothy: “No,
Blanche. I got up early and went jogging in a park with a really
strict dress code.”
Insult Watch
Dorothy: “Oh, by
the way, Blanche, I borrowed your gold earrings, if that's OK?”
Blanche: “Oh, it's
fine, but I do think I should caution you - they were meant for
petite ears.”
Dorothy: “They'll
just have to do until Disney unveils their Dumbo line.”
Product Placement
Blanche: “What's
that cologne you're wearing?
Eddie: “I'm not
wearing cologne.”
Blanche: “That's
impossible. It smells kind of like a mixture of Old Spice and musk
and-”
Eddie: “And a
porterhouse steak?”
Blanche: “Yes.”
Eddie: “That's me.
The smell really gets intense when I sweat.”
Sassy Sophia
Dorothy: “Look,
Ma, I am a grown woman and I have needs.”
Sophia: “Needs?
You need food. You need air. You need a better wrinkle cream. You
don't need sport nookie.”
Back in St. Olaf
Blanche: “I guess
it's just like that old saying you know: opposites attract.”
Rose: “Oh that's
very true. Back in St. Olaf Ollie Canudenspringle and his wife
Bridget were opposites in every way. I mean, he was fat, she was
thin. He was neat, she was sloppy. He was tall, she was short. He was
cheap, she was extravagant. He was--”
Sophias: “Opposites!
We get the picture.”
Rose: “Well
anyway, I'll never forget the time they sang at our annual talent
show, right after the herring juggling act.”
Blanche: “You mean
to tell me that somebody actually juggled herring?”
Rose: “No. It was
the herring who did the juggling. Tiny little Ginsu knives. Really
very dangerous. I mean, one false move, they could have filleted
themselves.”
Sophia: “I hate
you.”
Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Now
that's very interesting. Maybe I could get involved with that.”
Dorothy: “You,
Blanche?
Blanche: “Sure.
Why, nothing would be more satisfying than to be of loving service to
a lonely, motherless child. Of course, I'll have to see pictures of
the father before I commit.”
Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Dorothy: “I was hoping you'd be my date, Rose.”
Rose: “Oh gee, I'm busy tonight. But maybe you could try me again
next week.”
Blanche: “What's in the box, Rose?”
Rose: “Oh brochures for the "Be a Pal" program. I'm
mailing them out.”
Dorothy: “How does that work?”
Rose: “Well, you just put 'em in an envelope and you stick a stamp
on them.”
Dorothy: “Not that, you idiot!”
Eddie: “You see, after 25 years of marriage, my wife Roberta sent me a Dear John letter.”
Rose: “That's terrible. Married 25 years and she doesn't know your name is Eddie?”
Literary
Intelligentsia
Blanche: “You
know, there's something rotten in the state of Denmark.”
Rose: “It's their
cheese. They refuse to use preservatives.”
Reel References
Dorothy: “Ma, I
cannot believe you sent my picture in to a total stranger.”
Sophia: “I didn't
send in your picture, I sent the picture that came with my wallet.”
Dorothy: “Ma, I am
furious with you.”
Sophia: “Think how
mad your date's gonna be when he finds out he's not going out with
Janet Gaynor.”
Golden Quotes
Sophia: “What's
the number of the police station?”
Rose: “Is anything
wrong Sophia?”
Sophia: “Nah, I
just wanna find out where I can buy the best donuts. Of course
something is wrong!”
and
Sophia: “Listen,
pussycat, it's been a long time since you've been out on a date. And
it's quite possible you can no longer judge a good one from a bad
one. So let me be of help. Bad date, Dorothy. Bad, bad date.”
and
Blanche: “Well,
just let me freshen my makeup. Girls, why don't you come with me and
I'll show you how I transform myself into a fresh-faced, innocent,
young thing?”
Rose: “Could you
skip the 'innocent' part, Blanche? The show starts in two hours.”
and
Blanche: “I don't
look right in American clothes. I have a more European body.”
Rose: “Oh, in
Europe, do they all have big butts too?”
and
Dorothy: “You're
right. You're right. I'm gonna get rid of him just the way Paul
Bennington got rid of me. The way Steve Mendlebaum got rid of me. The
way Tom-”
Rose: “We'll be
here all afternoon. Can you just open the door?”
Critique:
I've always wondered if the little jerks Marla and Jackie purposely wanted to
get Rose and Blanche in trouble for shoplifting or if they gave them
the stolen merchandise in hopes they'd somehow be able to get it out
of the store without being noticed. Either way they're both a couple
of bitches right? But I digress. Who doesn't absolutely love this
episode? There are so many great classic moments here it's hard to
keep track. Dorothy's sultry pose and line reading of “Hello” is
priceless. As is Sophia literally jumping onto Eddie; it's one of the
most surprising and top-notch physical bits of comedy in the entire
series. And the lines, oh the lines! We get Dorothy zingers up the
wazoo (the best being the cappuccino one of course). Rose and
Blanche's story line with those little twats doesn't really crossover
but it provides it's fair share of great moments as well. Though I'm
pretty sure Blanche is the one who'd get in trouble for writing a
check from a closed account. GRADE: A
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