Synopsis: Sophia conspires with Stan to feign an injury she sustains at a baseball game for settlement money; Blanche and Rose audition for a local production of Cats.
Stan: “You see, babe? It's all part of the big guy's master plan. I am but a humble servant.”
Dorothy: “Mr. Belvedere is a humble servant. Stanley, you're a horse's ass.”
Dorothy's timeline of her marriage to Stan is always a bit… cloudy. Here she says she had sex with Stan and ended up three months pregnant at her own wedding. But in other episodes her deal is that she married Stan because she got pregnant.
St. Olaf Vocab
Gowhackanoggin – A game not unlike baseball, except you whack yourself on the head instead of hitting a ball. After ten whacks if you're till standing you take first base. It's allegedly a very low scoring game.
That’s What She Said
Sophia: “You were right, Dorothy. I was faking.”
Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Dorothy: “I can't think of anything in the world I would rather do less.”
Stan: “Reall? Would you like to go to bed with me?”
Dorothy: “Take me out to the ballgame, Stanley.”
Dreyfuss shows up and chases Rose through the house because dressed in her Cats costume. We also learn he has a thing for lawn flamingos.
Sophia: “Hey, I just spent two days in the hospital naked under a sheet with strange men inspecting my body with cold metal instruments.”
Blanche: “Which reminds me, has Ed Tyler returned my call?”
Blanche: “Rose, don't be silly. Dorothy couldn't get a part. We're doing the award-winning musical Cats. You have to be agile, graceful, and sensual.”
Dorothy; ““You're right, Blanche. I mean how could I possibly compete with you? You've given some of your finest performances in back alleys.”
Stan: “Yep she's right Dorothy, sometimes just lying motionless is the best thing a person can do.”
Dorothy: “That didn't sound right when you said it on our honeymoon, and it doesn't sound right now.”
Stan: “Dorothy, baseball was meant to be seen from the bleachers, in small, intimate parks with real grass. If there's anything I hate, it is artificial turf.”
Sophia: “That never stopped you from wearing it on your head.”
Tales from the Old South
Blanche: “I was still in high school at the time and I was having an affair with a very handsome exchange student named Jean-Pierre Fontainebleau. I think he was French or somethin'. He was always sneering and he wore a beret….Anyway, Jean-Pierre must have known about my reputation for playing the field, because right from the beginning he was convinced I couldn't be faithful. He would spy on me in my classes, he'd follow me home from school. Some nights he would even shimmy up the oak tree outside my bedroom door, hoping to catch me in the act.
Rose: “What act?”
Dorothy: “The second act of My Fair Lady, Rose.”
Blanche: “Finally, I had to tell Jean-Piere I could not take it anymore, and we broke up. I was completely crushed.
Dorothy: “I guess you really liked him.”
Blanche: “No, I really liked the American boy he was rooming with, Bobby-Joe Nugent. We'd been having an affair for months in the one place Jean-Pierre never thought to look!
Rose: “The Eiffel Tower?”
Blanche: “Actually, it was in the cutaway Oldsmobile that they kept in the Drivers Ed department at school. Oh, lordy, the things I did in that car! It's a good thing old St. Christopher had his back to me.”
Dr. Cauley: “Mrs. Petrillo. We'd really like you to stay with us for the next 48 hours.”
Sophia: “Please! For half the price I could go to Club Med, get a nicer room, better food, and not be forced to pee in a Dixie Cup.”
Stan: “What would you say if I told you I've come up with a great way to make some fast money for us, and all you have to do is lie on your back?”
Sophia: “I'd say you're about 50 years too late on that one!”
Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “We were never allowed to wear berets when I was in high school. It was against the St. Olaf dress code. They did let me wear a paper cap a lot. It was long and pointy. More a cone shape than a beret.”
Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Have you been talking to Ed Tyler?? That man has such a big mouth! Which reminds me, I wanna go give him a call.”
Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Rose: “Dr. Jerry. Oh, it must be great having just one name. You don't have to worry about people misspelling your last name all the time.”
Dr. Jerry: “Is your last name difficult to spell?”
Rose: “Yes. But I'm getting better at it.”
Sophia: “Stanley. Stanley, don't worry. I'm 82 years old. My bones are brittle. My muscles are atrophied. My circulation is worse than US News & World Report. There's no physical they can give that Sophia Petrillo can't fail.”
Dorothy: “Are you ever gonna talk to me again?”
Sophia: “Dorothy, what you did was a mean, dirty, underhanded trick.”
Dorothy: “I had no choice. It was like 'The Exorcist,' I was battling Stan for your soul.”
The Boob Tube
Dorothy: “Hiya, Ma. How you doing? Oh, Ma, I feel dizzy! Oh, there's a pain going up my arm! My chest! Ma!”
Sophia: “Will you answer the door Dorothy, please?”
Dorothy: “Ma, it's my heart! My heart! Run into the kitchen and get help!”
Sophia: “Who am I, Lassie??”
Rose: “Dorothy, our director said to prepare for our roles we must become cats. That's why I've been playing with your ball of yarn and Blanche has been making those high-pitched screeching sounds in her room at night.”
Dorothy: “You've been practicing for this part for a lifetime, haven't you Blanche?”
Rose: “At the counseling center we learn that the first reaction to catastrophe is denial.”
Dorothy: “Rose, I am not in denial.”
Rose: “Oh yes, you are. You're just denying you're in denial.”
Dorothy: “Rose, I am not denying that I am in denial.”
Rose: “If you're not denying you're in denial, then you're in denial.”
Dorothy: “Look, fluffhead! Why should I deny being in denial when I never said I was in denial? You are the one who said I was in denial, and don't you deny it!”
Sophia: “And the kid, is he an actor too?”
Woman in wheelchair: “Yes. Oh maybe you've seen him in the Burger City commercial.”
Sophia: “Are you the little boy who jumps for joy when you get two hamburgers for the price of one? You stunk!”
Critique: I want to see that Burger City commercial like now. I'm also 90% sure that kid is probably the son of Miami's answer to Meryl Streep Phyllis Hammerow. But I digress. “Bang That Drum, Stanley” is a very good episode for several reasons: we get the great physical bit of Sophia getting hit in the head with a baseball (one of the very few scenes I remember from the show's original run) and Rose and Blanche in their infamous cat outfits. Poll: which is better, the sight of Rose and Blanche in their nun outfits or the cat outfits? Tough call. Anyways, this episode has so many great lines and it's delightful to see Sophia and Stan team up in a great scam. There's no sappy undercurrent or important message here just pure comedy gold. Like with Dorothy, I could watch Sophia drop to the floor a million times and it would still be funny. GRADE: A-