Synopsis: Dorothy
applies to be on her favorite show Jeopardy! Meanwhile, Rose brings
her newly adopted dog Jake to the hospital to cheer up elderly
patients. Wowee!
Crazy Continuity
Rose says here her
family had a cat named Scruffy. For someone who’s “never had cats
cause she’s allergic” she’s certainly owned a lot of them.
Let’s Get
Political
Rose: “Isn’t
this dog amazing. He can find anything.”
Sophia: “Anything??
A viable Democrat for president! Go!”
That’s What She
Said
Blanche: “Hey.
I’ll show you mind if you show me yours.”
Take Me Out to the
Ballgame, Stanley
Dorothy [dreaming]: “I won! I
won! I won!”
Sophia: “She must
be having the shot-put dream again.”
Animal Alert
Mr. Hubbard: “Grace
loves animals, always has.
Rose: “Well
everybody does Mr. Hubbard. That’s why ancient man, when he
discovered the need for pets, turned to the animal kingdom.”
Mr. Hubbard: “I
see.”
Mrs. Hubbard: “What
a good boy. Yes you are!”
Rose: “Oh he
reminds me of my old dog Rusty.”
Mr. Hubbard: “Rose,
please, Grace isn’t feeling well. Can we skip the Rusty story
today?”
Zbornak Zingers
Blanche [running after Jake]: “Hey! That slipper is from the Mamie Van Doren Collection!”
Dorothy: “Will you look at that. Man’s best friend… chasing man’s best friend.”
Insult Watch
Dorothy: “It’s
been two days, why haven’t those Jeopardy people called??”
Blanche: “Dorothy,
I’m surprised at this reaction. God knows you’ve had your share
of experience sittin’ by a phone that doesn’t ring.”
Product Placement
Blanche, whispering:
“Dorothy, where are the Ural Mountains?”
Dorothy: “Well
well well, Blanche. A pot of lip gloss and a tube of Maybelline can’t
help you now can they, Blanche?”
Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “Oh I love
you already. In fact I haven’t felt this way about a dog since…
since Rusty.”
Dorothy: “Oh God
not the Rusty story again!”
Rose: “Charlie
brought him home as a present after our first child was born.”
Blanche: “Oh I
wish we had a doggy door so I could push your head through it.”
Rose: “Oh he was
the best. Trustworthy, loyal, smart as a whip. Oh I thought Rusty was
going to be with our family forever.”
Sophia: “Dorothy,
do we have any candles? I’d like to drip some hot wax in my ears.”
Rose: “Then one
horrible horrible night our house caught on fire. And it was Rusty
who awkened everybody. It was Rusty who pulled us all to safety. He
even dashed back in the burning building to rescue Scruffy our
cat...”
All: “Whom he
never really liked.”
Rose: “Yes sir, he
was a real hero. Oh, if only he hadn’t gone back in for the TV. He
was a dachshund for god’s sake, I mean what made him think he could
carry a TV?”
Sophia: “You know
how pig-headed the Germans are.”
Best of B.E.D.
Dorothy: “What are
you talking about Blanche, you’ve never cared about Jeopardy.”
Blanche: “No but I
do care for Alex Trebek. You see, I’ve never had a Canadian who
wasn’t on skates.”
Dorothy: “I’m
sorry, I didn’t know.”
Blanche: “I have
this recurring fantasy: Take me Alex, take me now. I tell him. And he
says to me, not uh uh, Blanche, in the form of a question.”
Sweet,
Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Blanche: “We
wanted to pick up your spirits Rose, so close your eyes. Close your
eyes.”
[Dorothy brings
in a dog, who promptly licks Rose’s face]
Rose:
“Oh very funny Blanche, just give me the gift.”
What, We Can't Learn
From History?
Sophia: “Yes
Pussycat, Jeopardy is your favorite show.”
Dorothy: “I watch
it every night.”
Blanche: “We know,
we missed the entire Gulf War.”
From Feud to Food
Rose: “Uh, Gum for
two hundred.”
Alex Trebek: “The
answer is: Latin term for a colloidal carbohydrate found in certain
trees and plants?”
Rose: “What is
Juicy Fruit?”
Dorothy Zbornak is
My Spirit Animal
Rose: “Wow, what a
tough day, I really need somebody to talk to.”
Dorothy: “Gotta
go!”
[phone rings]
Dorothy: “Hello?
Yes this is she. Oh my God, it’s them, it’s Jeopardy! I did? Oh,
this is wonderful. Yeah wonderful! What? Yes, yes she’s my, she’s
my roommate. Oh that is fabulous news too. Oh sure, sure I’ll be
happy to tell her. Blanche, YOU FLUNKED.”
Reel References
Alex Trebek:
“Loretta Young played an innocent milkmaid in this Oscar-winning
1947 film. Charlie?”
Charlie: “What is
The Farmer’s Daughter?”
Alex Trebek: “You
are right.”
Charlie: “I
thought it was a different kind of movie.”
Alex Trebek: “The
answer: Old Yeller. The China Syndrome. Truth or Dare. Charlie?”
Charlie: “What are
Miss July’s all-time favorite films?”
The Boob Tube
Dorothy: “Everybody,
listen to this. Alex Trebek and the Jeopardy people are auditioning
contestants in Miami. They’re coming here. Jeopardy! Oh! It’s my
favorite show! Wowee!”
Golden Quotes
Rose: “It’s not
easy spending that much time with people who are old and sick a
frail.”
Sophia: “Oh that
reminds me, I’ve got Mah Jong tomorrow.”
Rose: “I’m sorry
I won’t be able to quiz you, Jake and I are due at the Hubbards.
But I have a book here that should help you prepare you for your
Jeopardy tryout.”
Dorothy: “The St.
Olaf High School Yearbook? No. Thanks anyway, Rose. I don’t think
I’ll be needing it.”
Rose: “Well ok,
Miss Know-It-All, but if Alex Trebek asks you what years Ulf Horvald
was on the student council back-to-back, don’t come crying to me.”
Dorothy: “1946 and
47. I intend to win this.”
Sophia: “You’re
being too intense here. Don’t you remember that spelling bee in
second grade? You beat all the kids so bad they wouldn’t invite you
to any birthday parties.”
Dorothy: “Ma, that
had nothing to do with the spelling bee. The kids were just jealous
of me. Jealous. J – E – A – L-”
Sophia: “All
right, all right!”
Dorothy: “Besides
Ma, all that studying paid off.”
Sophia: “Oh yeah,
paid off. You got knocked off in high school.”
Dorothy: “Ma, I am
60 years old, why do you have to bring this up every day of my life?”
Sophia: “So it
won’t happen again.”
Dorothy: “Four-time
champion? How? This woman is an idiot.”
Johnny Gilbert: “Oh
really? She didn’t get knocked up in high school.”
Rose: “Alex, as
you know, I was raised in a rural community. Uh, I’m proud to take
Cows for three hundred.”
Alex Trebek: “So
let’s move on to double Jeopardy! And the categories for this more
difficult round of play are: structural engineering, photometry,
Roman law, systems of nonuniform motion, electromagnetic phenomena,
and finally, gum.”
Dorothy: “Uh,
Alex, structural engineering for uh, oh I’m gonna go for it, a
thousand. In fact, give me every category for a thousand.”
Alex Trebek: “Now
that’s what I call real Jeopardy! Dorothy, proceed.”
Dorothy: “Uh what
is the Varrazano Narrows, what is a foot-candle, uh, what is the
Theodosian Code, uh, what is the speed of light. Uh, what is the
point of any of this Alex? I am humiliating these two.”
Alex Trebek: “Today,
our final Jeopardy category is this: US History.”
Dorothy: “MY MAJOR
IN COLLEGE!”
Dorothy: “Mr.
Griffin please. You are the most beloved man in America. You are
bright, you are charming, you are the anti-Trump.”
Alex Trebek: “Excuse
me Dorothy, but Mr. Griffin really hates it when people kiss up to
him. Isn’t that right your excellency?”
Moderator: “Our
contestants: Professor Reginald Bradley of the National Aeronautics
and Space Administration, Dr. Julie Steever Chief of Neurosurgery
Victory Memorial Hospital, and Dorothy Zbornak, a substitute
teacher.”
Moderator: “I
afraid this is the point where Alex would politely tell you to shut
up.”
Dorothy: “He would
and he should. I mean after all he is the moderator and the
function-”
Moderator: “Shut
up.”
Reginald: “What is
Pentecost”
Moderator: “I’m
sorry.”
Dorothy: “What is
Pentateuch?!
Moderator:
“Correct.”
Dorothy: “Pentecost
please! Somebody stop the bleeding.”
Sophia: “Pussycat,
leave a few scraps for the other two nudnicks. You never know when I
might need a good neurosurgeon.”
Dorothy: “These
people are not nudnicks. They are brilliant, accomplished scientists.
And I’m wiping the floor with them.”
Dorothy: “He said
America wouldn’t root for me.”
Sophia: “Sweetheart,
he’s wrong. How could America not root for you? You’re what this
country’s all about. The daughter of immigrants who became the
first member of her family to go to college, you made something of
yourself.”
Dorothy: “Thanks
Ma.”
Sophia: “Until you
got knocked up in a backseat by a nobody. People didn’t want you at
their birthday parties and they don’t want you in their living
rooms.”
Dorothy: “I
thought you said this was supposed to make me feel better?”
Sophia: “We did
that, now we’re up to the part where I feel better. Come on, let’s
go home. Lifesaver?”
Dorothy: “Ah go to
hell, Ma.”
Critique: It’s
funny how they made Dorothy so much more “book-smart” and nerdy
in the last couple seasons. Way back in Season 3 she loved that
ridiculous show “Grab That Dough” but now her favorite show is
apparently “Jeopardy!” and even though she says she watches it
every night, we’ve never actually seen her watch it or even mention
it. Eh that doesn’t really matter because it leads us to one of
Season 7’s all time greatest scenes: Dorothy’s Jeopardy! dream
that features cameos from Alex Trebek and Mr. Anti-Trump himself Merv
Griffin. I truly love how us Anti-Trump people have this moment of
solidarity from the almighty Dorothy Zbornak. Rose’s storyline
about Jake is a cute if uneventful sequence of events (save for that, you know, death) and is yet another
attempt by the animal-loving cast to get another perfectly
trained, genius dog onto the show. It wouldn't be a 90s sitcom without one. How Rose could get a newly acquired
shelter dog a job at a hospital without any training is beyond me.
But he made Grace happy so I guess that counts for something. And
how does Rose just give away her pets to people all the time? Oh your
wife just died, here have my dog! But I digress. Back
to the more important task at hand: Trying to figure out what
Jeopardy! moment is best. While the dream sequence is a stand-out I
am a big fan of the egocentric, substitute teacher Dorothy having fun
wiping the floor with
her professor
and doctor competitors. Sure the Jeopardy guy says that he doesn’t
think America would root for Dorothy, but as fans of this brilliant
show, we root for her every single time Bea Arthur shows up onscreen. GRADE:
A-
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