Friday, September 28, 2018

What a Difference a Date Makes S6E22

Synopsis: Dorothy confronts the man that stood her up at her senior prom; Blanche goes on a diet.

Musical Moments
The Minstrel: “Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale/A tale of a fateful trip/That started from this tropic port/Aboard this tiny ship… If not for the courage of that fearless crew/The Minnow would be lost/The Minnow would be lost… The millionaire and his wiiiiiiife”

That’s What She Said
Rose: “I needed something to wash down the little pie. It was so fishy!”

Shady Pines, Ma
Dorothy: “Ma, I'm going to ask you a question, and however you answer, I'll believe you. Did you tell John Noretti to go away the night of my senior prom because you didn't like the way he was dressed?”
Sophia: “Well—”
Dorothy: “LIAR!! You knew John showed up that night, and you didn't tell me. And you didn't want me to go out with him tonight because you knew he'd bring it up.”
Sophia: “I can explain. Just don't lock me away in another ill-equipped nursing home.”
Dorothy: “I promise nothing.”

Zbornak Zingers
Dorothy: “Ma, don't you see? When John Noretti gets here, I'm finally going to get my revenge. He's going to see a beautiful vibrant woman who's done something with her life.”
Blanche: “Well, Dorothy, I'd like to help, but - I can't go out with him on such short notice.”
Dorothy: “I meant done something with her life standing up.”

Insult Watch
Blanche: “Who's John Noretti?”
Dorothy: “He's a guy who humiliated me.”
Rose: “Could you narrow it down a bit, Dorothy?”

Sophia: “Dorothy, I'm begging you. Don't go out with this guy. He hurt you once, he'll hurt you again.”
Dorothy: “I am not going out with him.”
Rose: “But you said you were gonna make him suffer. Don't you have to date a man to do that?”

Sophia: “Blanche, I want to tell you something. I've never weighed more than 100 pounds on any day of my adult life. And because you're my friend, I want you to sit down, and I'll share with you that secret.”
Blanche: “Tell me, Sophia.”
Sophia: “I was born that way. I could eat anything and never get fat. Did anyone ever tell you you look like George Kirby?”

Oh Shut Up, Rose!
Blanche: “Oh, shut up! Just shut up, you babblin', bubble-headed, bleach-blond-“
Sophia: “Baboon.”
Blanche: “-baboon!”
Sophia: “She needed a B!”

Product Placement
Blanche: “Blanche Devereaux's goin' on a diet.”
Sophia: “Could you hold off until tomorrow? I got some Sara Lee stock I'd like to unload.”

Sassy Sophia
Blanche: “See, I'm on this drink-it-off diet. You have two shakes and a sensible meal every day, you lose weight the fast easy way.”
Sophia: “I prefer the Italian diet. You drink a bottle of wine, make a smart remark, then get your jaw wired.”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “I never got to go to the junior prom in St. Olaf.”
Sophia: “How come?”
Rose: “It was just for people named Junior.”

Best of B.E.D.
Rose: “You weren't married in a white dress?”
Blanche: “Oh, Rose, come on. I mean it's one thing to hear snickering when you walk down the aisle, but me in white? Even I couldn't keep a straight face.”

From Feud to Food
Blanche: “Time for my shake.”
Dorothy: “Honey, how you doin' with this diet?”
Blanche: “Oh, no problem. Piece of cake. Nice big piece of chocolate cake. Devil's food, smothered in whipped cream and coconut flakes. And a lobster.”

Dorothy: “Oh, God, that's John. Oh, I just hope I can be mean enough.”
Rose: “Dorothy, do that thing you do to me in the morning when I try to take a piece of bacon off your plate.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Rose: “Oh, Dorothy, a man called for you while you were out.”
Sophia: “Finally. Now we can break out that bottle of champagne we've been saving.”
Dorothy: “Ma.”
Sophia: “Come on, Dorothy. We might not get another chance.”
Dorothy: “Oh, sure we will. We can just serve it at the wake.”

Literary Intelligentsia
Rose: “Wait, can I have those gummy bears?”
Blanche: “They are good, aren't they? Oh, I don't eat 'em.”
Sophia: “Then why do you want 'em?”
Rose: “To play army. And sometimes I like to line 'em up around my bed and pretend I'm Gulliver.”

The Boob Tube
Dorothy: “Oh, Ma, I said some terrible things to you, and I'm sorry. I'm responsible for all the decisions I made in my life, and if my life didn't turn out perfectly, well, whose has?”
Sophia: “Mary Ann Mobley comes to mind. I mean she gets to sleep with Gary Collins every night. Every night.”

Reel References
Sophia: “The last time you went on a diet, you turned into that guy from Silence of the Lambs. You did everything but butter my face.”

Golden Quotes
Dorothy: “I'm talking about me. Oh, my revenge will be to make John feel as bad as he made me feel. I want him to see me, see my life, so he'll know exactly what he missed.”
Blanche: “She doesn't know a whole lot about revenge, does she?”

Dorothy: “It's time that John Noretti learned a lesson. That I am not that same little girl whose head can be turned by a pair of beautiful eyes and a killer smile. [doorbell rings] Now.”
John Noretti: “Dorothy. Dorothy, look at you. You're as beautiful now as you were then. How have you been?”
Dorothy: “I LOVE YOU!”

Dorothy: “Hi, Maaaa.”
Sophia: “Hi, Dorothy. Bye, Dorothy.”
Dorothy: “Ma, come back. I wanna sit and have a little talk.”
Sophia: “Why?”
Dorothy: “Come on, now, would it hurt to spend a little time with your daughter?”
Sophia: “That remains to be seen.”
Dorothy: “Uh Rose, would you excuse us just for a minute?”
Rose: “Sure. I know that tone of voice. [singing] Somebody's gonna get it.”

Blanche: “Time for today's sensible meal. Where's my tuna quiche? You heard me. I said, where's my tuna quiche? I get 5 ounces of solid food a day, and I want my tuna quiche.”
Rose: “You mean that little pie?”
Blanche: “Little pie? Little pie??!”
Rose: “I wanted a snack.”
Blanche: “A snack?!”
Rose: “I thought it was a little fishy.”
Blanche [shaking Rose]: “Oh, you ate my sensible meal. You ate my sensible meal!”

Dorothy: “I remember the time Stan and I went on that weight-loss- through-sex diet. The idea being every time you felt hungry, you would substitute food with some sexual activity.”
Blanche: “Did it work?”
Dorothy: “I gained 18 pounds.”

John: "Mrs. Petrillo. It's John Noretti. Well… you haven't aged a bit. [louder] I said, you haven't aged a bit!”
Sophia: “I hear you. I'm not deaf… Haven't staged a hit??”
Dorothy: “Oh, John, I'm sorry I kept you waiting…. You remember my lying vicious toad of a mother.”

John: “It was an enchanting evening.”
Dorothy: “Enchanted Evening. That was the theme of that prom that we never got to.”
John: “Little more romantic than the theme they had tonight.”
Dorothy: "Well, Wear A Condom is more than a prom theme. It's sort of become the school slogan.”
John: “It's catchy.”
Dorothy: “Oh, I wish Stan had gone to that high school.”

Sophia: [waking up as Dorothy kisses her head]: “Don’t take me death, don’t take me!”

So, how many proms did Dorothy allegedly go or not go to exactly? One time Dorothy wore her tennis whites to the prom and ended up as the butt of Trudy’s prank (escorted by her brother). Another time Dorothy has to remind Sophia that she didn’t go to her prom ("Clinton Avenue Memories"). And yet another time Sophia reminds Dorothy that she pretended she was dating the quarterback of the football team and slow danced with a rake in the basement (though it was part of Blanche's dream). Anywho, let’s talk about Blanche’s B story for a bit first. To begin, if Blanche diets every year to fit in her wedding dress every year on her anniversary how hos no one seen her do it? Rose acts surprised that Blanche’s wedding dress is red. But obviously it’s to make the joke about Blanche not being able to wear a white wedding dress so I’ll allow it. That dress, by the way, all 37 seconds it’s onscreen, is easily one of the most memorable outfits Blanche wears in the entire series. The scene in the kitchen when Blanche has a complete hunger breakdown is fantastic, more so is Rose priceless reactions when she realized she’s eaten all of Blanche’s fishy diet food. Then there’s Dorothy’s story line which deepens once we find out it was Sophia who was the catalyst for John not showing up which made Dorothy date Stan. Highlights include John and Dorothy’s date at a medieval restaurant that looks eerily like the restaurant that Jake took Blanche to. To say they're overdressed is an understatement. I also don’t understand why men who are “in town” take the ladies out to eat as if they even live in the area. But I digress. Dorothy’s father shows up as a jester and a guy keeps singing the theme to 'Gilligan’s Island.' The jokes, especially the insults, come fast and lose and that’s just how I like it. And lastly, the visual of redwood Dorothy sitting on Sophia’s lap is, in a word, priceless. It’s a solid half hour of The GG. GRADE: A-

Thursday, September 13, 2018

Witness S6E21

Synopsis: Miles’ Witness Relocation Program subplot rears its wacky head again when it turns out the man Rose is dating is the Cheeseman; Blanche tries to get into the Daughters of the Old South; Sophia loses her glasses.

90s Flashback
Sophia: “Hey, it's the Cheeseman.”
Karl: “Come on, get in here, both of ya.”
Blanche: “Sophia, you recognize Karl as the Cheeseman?”
Sophia: “You don't? The man's been on America's Most Wanted at least six times.”
Karl: “The last episode was the highest rated ever. Ever.”

Crazy Continuity
If ‘Miles Webber’ was always an alias why does he keep this name after The Cheeseman is caught and nothing of this nonsense is ever mentioned again?

Musical Moments
Blanche: “I'm seven-eighths Southern. That's more than enough.”
Dorothy: “And if they don't let you in, instead of saying ‘fiddle-de-doo,’ well, you can always switch to ‘Deedle didle deedle dum.’”

Let’s Get Political
Daughter of the Old South emcee: “Well, thank you, Evelyn and Margaret, for that gripping and realistic reenactment of the defeat of General Burnside's troops at Fredericksburg.”
Dorothy: “It's hard to believe you couldn't get federal funding for this.”

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Daughters of the Old South emcee: “We now call Blanche Devereaux.”
Sophia: “Dorothy, I can't see a thing. What's happening now?”
Dorothy: “The Harlem Globetrotters just took the court.”

Shady Pines, Ma
Karl: “All right, all you gals are gonna get locked up in a closet, and us boys are going for a little walk.”
Sophia: “Wow. Were you ever activities director of a place called Shady Pines?”

Lewd Ladies
Barbara: “Look, as long as I'm here, I should tell you there's been complaints from the neighbors about the noise at night.”
Blanche: “Which neighbors?”
Barbara: “Well, me.”
Blanche: “Which noise?”
Barbara: “Well, you.”
Blanche: “Well, get earmuffs. I pay my taxes.”

Zbornak Zingers
Sophia: [after looking through binoculars] “Well, I'm off.”
Dorothy: “That would be my diagnosis.”

Insult Watch
Dorothy: “Let's analyze this for a moment. You're now what, about 200 years old?”
Sophia: “About.”

Tales from the Old South
Blanche: “I remember, growin' up in Atlanta, how all of us girls used to pretend to be Confederate belles, and we'd receive gentleman callers. Got to be like a competition. In fact, I once received seven callers in one evening.”
Dorothy: “I'm just thinking out loud, but, uh, isn't Atlanta where the Center for Disease Control is?”
Blanche: “Coincidence.”

Blanche: “Those small-minded peckerwoods aren't real Southerners. I am a real Southerner. Real Southerners are compassionate people. They're wise and gentle, and they sit around on porch swings, regaling with stories of Abraham and Moses and, all the other people who worked on the plantation.”

Product Placement
Dorothy: “Now wait a minute! You can't just come into this house waving that gun around. Although it is a very nice one. What is this, a Colt?”

Sassy Sophia
Blanche: “Yes, I am a Yankee, but hath not a Yankee eyes? Hath not a Yankee hands? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh?”
Sophia: “Sometimes all night. I've heard her.”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “I just want to go on record as saying I am against this. That Cheeseman character could be following Miles, and there's no telling what he would do to me for information!”

Barbara: “Alright I'm gonna take this creep out front and read him his rights. Somebody call the station and tell 'em to get here, and I need some handcuffs, right away.”
Blanche: “Oh. Oh, OK, you can borrow mine. But please be careful with them, they're a gift.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Rose: “Listen, check with me later about the weekend. I just want to be sure I'm ready, and that it's right.”
Karl: “I'll give you a ring.”
Rose: “I can't accept jewelry.”
Karl: “I mean, I'll call you soon. I mean, I'll call you, Rose, soon and the phone will ring.”
Rose: “Oh, he really understands me.”

[Karl enters wielding a gun]
Miles: “You! How did you find me?”
Karl: “Time to say goodbye, buddy boy.”
Rose: “Karl, Miles, as flattering as this is, I, I don't want you fighting over me.”

Barbara: “All right, Cheeseman, you're under arrest.”
Rose: “You told us you didn't have a gun. You lied.”
Barbara: “To a bad guy. It's OK to lie to a bad guy.”
Rose: “You see that? There's so many things we, as the public, don't understand.”
Lesbian. Lesbian? LESBIAN??

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Karl: “Excuse me, folks. I've gotta make a quick phone call. Rose, would you mind getting me some punch?”
Blanche: “He's gonna be late for the initiation ceremony.”
Dorothy: “Oh, take it easy Feldman.”

What, We Can’t Learn From History?
Blanche: “My point is, I am made up of many ingredients, but perhaps that is what gives me my uniquely American flavor. Yes, for I am an American, and I'm leavin'. I don't need your lousy club to make me feel special… oh, please??”
All: “NO!”
Blanche: “Oh, you lost the war. Get over it!”

The Boob Tube
Rose: “Oh, Karl is quite a guy. Lately I've been dreaming about him at night, not Miles. Although I do have one dream that both Karl and Miles are in.”
Blanche: “Ohhh! And??”
Rose: “OK. And Captain Kangaroo!”

Golden Quotes
Barbara: “… nobody reported any lost glasses.”
Sophia: “Not lost. Stolen. I want cops on this. Big, burly, steroid-crazed cops.”
Blanche: “Ooo. Sophia!”
Sophia: “Oh, fine, get one for Blanche, too. Throw it on my tab.”

Dorothy [as Sophia walks in with sunglasses]: “Ladies and gentlemen, Roy Orbison.”

Dorothy: “Ma, where did you get those glasses?”
Sophia: “They're an old pair of Pop's, but at least they've got prescription lenses.”
Dorothy: “I know you can't possibly see through them. Now take them off before you hurt yourself.”
Sophia: “No, they're great. I see just fine. [looking at Blanche] Who's the black guy?”

Dorothy: “The woman your great-grandfather married was born, well, outside of Georgia.”
Blanche: “How far outside of Georgia?”
Dorothy: “Buffalo. You're a Yankee, Blanche.”
Blanche: “Well, no, this can't be.”
Dorothy: “A Yankee Doodle.”
Blanche: “There must be some mistake.”
Dorothy: “You are that Yankee Doodle gal.”

Blanche: “Oh my God.”
Dorothy: “Oh, did I mention her last name was Feldman?”
Blanche: “Aw, no. Oh, no, no, no, no. No, it can't be. I can't be Jewish.”
Sophia: “I'll be damned. The black guy is prejudiced.”

Miles: “Well, I'm Amish, Rose. That's my new identity in the Witness Protection Program. See, I'm an Amish man. I live on an Amish farm. I carry wood, I dig holes, and I milk things. And, to be frank, it sucks.”

Blanche: “I don't know what I'm gonna do. [seeing Miles] Boy, you find out you're a Jew with a dilemma, and these rabbis just come out of the woodwork.”

Miles: “I'm sorry, ladies. It's me. I was hoping to play a trick on you.”
Sophia: “Silly Rabbi, tricks are for kids!”

Blanche: “Dorothy, I belong in this club. Why, I'm just as Southern as, as the fruit of a scuppernong arbor growing proudly by the lazy Mississippi.”
Dorothy: “Lawdy, Lawdy, are you full of it.”

Louise, DOS applicant: “..who married my Great Aunt Annalou Sellers, cousin to Claude Livaudais, who begat Elizabeth Blasingame.”
Woman: “Wait a minute. Did you say Claude Livaudais?”
Louise: “Yes.”
Woman: “My great-grandfather told stories of Claude Livaudais. He once sold horseshoes to a Union soldier.”
Woman #2: “Yankee!”
Louise: “Oh. No, no, I can explain.”
Woman: “Fie.”
Woman #2: “Traitor.”
Blanche: “Oy vey.”

Blanche: “I can't do it. I— daughter of Feldman. I'm a Feldman, damn it… of Buffalo.”
[audience gasps, woman faints]

Blanche: “Oh, I knew all along it was a bad idea to let Miles stay here. Oh I'm too young to be struck down by a madman's bullet. I've gotta find some way outta this. [doorbell rings] I'll get it!”
Karl: “No one moves! And no one makes a sound. We all stand still until they leave. [Sophia enters] Don't make a move, old lady!”
Sophia: “Nice way to talk to your mother, Pussycat.”

Burning question: Is the Daughters of the Old South a hate group? And go! Who would have thought storylines like this in the GG would be so relevant today? It’s interesting to note later on, an episode of The Golden Palace actually takes a serious dive into the confederate flag issue and what it symbolizes to different people. But as Blanche would say, we don’t have to get into any of that. In a rare bit of actual continuity, Miles is back; aka Nicholas Carbone aka Samuel Plankmaker aka cruise-ship Arnie perhaps?? (Who the hell knows!) I can almost forgive all of this bizarre nonsense because Mitchell Hurwitz’s writing is top notch here and shows a glimmer of the wackiness that he’ll eventually bring to “Arrested Development.” For example, the comedy mileage he gets out of Sophia’s lost glasses subplot is simply astonishing. This was the type of B story that Sophia used to have in the early seasons but never really had a purpose except to give Estelle Getty something to do. Here she milks the comedy for all it’s worth most notably in the scene where she mistakes Blanche for a Black guy. Also, Rose’s idiocy reaches the tipping point here; it’s always good for a laugh but jeesh. Her conversation with Karl outside the front door is Forrest Gump level stupidity. The whole episode is ridiculous. Everything from the nutjobs at the Daughters of the Old South banquet to Miles nonchalantly grabbing the gun out of Karl’s hand as Barbara “subdues” him. She doesn’t even have handcuffs. I refuse to believe a big-time gangster like that couldn’t get away. And let's not even get into how Dorothy still insists on pronouncing "program" as "progrim." But I digress. Yes this episode is as ludicrous as it his hilarious but it’s too crazy not to love. GRADE: A