Thursday, August 29, 2019

From Here to the Pharmacy S7E12

Synopsis: A soldier who Blanche had dated” returns from the Persian Gulf and she can’t remember him; Rose helps Sophia write her will.

90s Flashback

Sophia: “You try to do right by your kids and you end up as the lead story on Hard Copy.”

Zbornak Zingers

Blanche: “Dorothy, tonight, when I was dancing in his arms, it hit me. One minute I was worried about my hair, the next I was in love. Bill is the most romantic man I've ever known.”

Dorothy: “She always says that when they give her a hat.”

Product Placement

Bill: “I used to put the Haley's M-O on the bottom, nothing. Then I put it eye level. The public went nuts. It was walking out of the store. People will bend for aspirins. They won't bend for laxatives.”

Blanche: “Isn't that fascinating, Bill.”

Sophia: “So, Bill, what's on sale?”

Bill: “Breast pumps.”

Sophia: “What else?”

Bill: “Afro Sheen.”

Sophia: “Movin’ on.”

Bill: “Preparation H.”

Sophia: “Hot damn.”

Sassy Sophia

Sophia: “I, Sophia Petrillo, being of sound mind and body, do hereby leave my daughter, Dorothy Zbornak, nothing!”

Rose: “Sophia!”

Sophia: “It's a joke. I'm kidding. Like when I said ‘sound mind and body.’”

Back in St. Olaf

Rose: “Sophia, wills are no joking matter. Charlie tried to be funny with his and left everything to Henrietta, our prized cow. Well, some lawyer got a hold of the will and represented Henrietta on contingency. There I was presenting my side to a jury of her peers. It took over six months to get the farm back.”

Sophia: “What a terrible story. I mean it. It's a terrible story. But you must have been relieved when you won.”

Rose: “Oh yeah. We celebrated. With a big, thick steak.”

Rose: “I hated that cow. I still don't think she should have been awarded the car. Not that she got to use it.”

Best of B.E.D.

Bill: “I know we said we wouldn't even look at anybody else. But the first night the sirens went off, I got scared. And there was this nurse that I talked to.”

Blanche: “Oh, how could you, Ben, Bob, uh, Bill?”

Bill: “I swear, it didn't mean a thing.”

Blanche: “Was she beautiful?”

Bill: “Not as beautiful as you.”

Blanche: “Well, I--I, too, have a confession to make. I got scared too. Three, four times a week.”

From Feud to Food

Dorothy: “Rose, it's late. What are you doing up?”

Rose: “I'm just cleaning up some things on your mother's will.”
Dorothy: “Oh you mean the legal language?”

Rose: “No. I spilled some sauce.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal

Sophia: “As you know, my child, I'm getting on in years and I've decided it's time for me to settle my estate.”

Dorothy: “What estate? Your loofah sponge and bus pass?”

Dorothy: “I was up all night thinking of how Ma's been hoarding all those checks from Phil and Gloria, while I've had to go without.”

Blanche: “Well now Dorothy, you really can't blame Sophia for your sex life.”

Dorothy: “That's not what I'm talking about, but since you brought it up, yes, I can. If I'd had the money, I could have been living in a swinging condo, instead of with - I better not say anything till I've had my coffee - A SLUT AND A MORON. I'm sorry, it must be decaf.”

What, We Can’t Learn From History?

Bill: “Blanche, I have a confession to make. It's not easy. But something happened over there and I think you should know about it.”

Blanche: “Well, I did keep pretty well up with what went on over there. I saw Schwarzkopf on the Bob Hope special.”

The Boob Tube

Sophia: “Dorothy, Rose is helping me make out an ironclad will.”

Dorothy: “Wait, you're using Rose as a lawyer?”

Rose: “I know what I'm doing. Every Thursday, I watch La Law.

Dorothy: “That's L A Law.”

Rose: “I wondered why Susan Dey didn't have a French accent.”

Dorothy: “Do you have any idea what she's talking about, or do we have to up her medication?”

Rose: “I do know what she's talking about, but I can't tell you. I couldn't violate the attorney-client privilege. Especially when we're talking about a sum as large as $35,000.”

Dorothy: “$35,000??”

Rose: “And four gold teeth. Oops.”

Sophia: “Nice going, counselor. Exactly how close to the television are you sitting when you're watching La Law?

Dorothy: “From now on, I'm not paying for anything. You are on your own.”

Sophia: “You can't do this to me. You never touch the principal. That money's for my old age.”

Dorothy: “Old age? You don't leave fingerprints anymore.”

Sophia: “I'm in my twilight years.”

Dorothy: “You're in The Twilight Zone. Hopi Indians are walking around saying, ‘How does she do it?’ Ma, you're cut off.”

Golden Quotes

Sophia: “Don't forget the four gold teeth when your father worked at the funeral parlor. ‘Perks,’ he called them. That's the stock you come from.”

Dorothy: “I come from grave robbers?”

Sophia: “Grave robber, entrepreneur. Potato, potahto. We had a family to feed.”

Sophia: “Don't fall for it, Blanche. Sal didn't come home from World War II till 1951.”

Rose: “Where was he stationed?”

Sophia: “In the attic.”

Dorothy: “Ma, you told me he was in the arctic.”

Sophia: “The attic, the arctic. Tomato, tomahto. He had a family to feed.”

Blanche: “Well, anyway, this soldier really did go to the war, and he's gonna be here any minute, and I don't know what to do 'cause I can't remember him. All he said on the phone was that he had a great time with me the night before he left.”

Dorothy: “Oh, then it's got to be... anybody.”

[doorbell rings]

Dorothy: “Ah, there's your unknown soldier now.”

Blanche: “Oh Dorothy, would you please get the door? And find out his name.”

Rose: “Blanche, what are you so worried about? The minute you see him, you'll remember.”

Blanche: “Rose, he's gonna be standing up with his clothes on. He could be…”

Dorothy: “Anybody.”

Sophia: “Can I come?”

Dorothy: “Sure, Ma.”

Sophia: “Oh boy. We're going to the living room!”

Bill: “Hello, is Blanche here?”

Dorothy: “Yes she is. Uh, whom shall I say is calling?”

Bill: “This is kind of embarrassing. Would you mind telling her Loverboy is here? 
Dorothy: "Nothing would give me greater pleasure. Uh, Blanche! Loverboy is here!”

Bill: “Blanche!”

Blanche: “Loverboy!”

Dorothy: “Not a clue.”

Sophia: “You know about the will. You know if I die you'll be on easy street. What did you do, Dorothy, slip cyanide into my mouthwash? Ha, ha! The joke's on you, I don't use it.”

Dorothy: “Oh, Ma, come on. You're just being silly. Here, have some tea. It'll relax you.”

Sophia: “Nice try, Dorothy. Rose, you taste it.”

Dorothy: “Rose, don't! That tea was for my mommy.”

Rose: “Good morning, Dorothy.”

Dorothy: “Don't start, Rose, okay?”

Rose: “Oh, I'm sorry. That good morning crack was way outta line.”

Blanche: “My handsome soldier from last night is a pharmacist, a name-tag wearing, pill-counting, ‘Thank you, come again. Sorry, we don't validate,’ pharmacist.”

Dorothy: “Well if he doesn't validate, get rid of him.”

Dorothy: “You know, ever since we've known you, you have never once worked on having a meaningful relationship.”

Blanche: “I have had many meaningful relationships. Many, many, many meaningful relationships.”

Dorothy: “Sharing a worm from a tequila bottle is not meaningful.”

Security officer: “Uh, sir? I caught this old lady assaulting a man over the last tube of Preparation H. The tube broke and it's all over aisle 7. I detained her for scooping up the rest of the ointment and putting it in her purse.”

Blanche: “Sophia!”

Sophia: “Oh big deal. The other guy got away scot-free, and he wriggled in it.”


Anyone else notice the full-on laugh orgasm the woman in the audience has when Blanche says the line “Look who I’m talkin’ to?” And then she screams again when Dorothy offers tea to Sophia. I wonder where that lady is today? But I digress. So my burning question for this episode is, will a pharmacist really just give away medicine to a woman for her son and he doesn’t even know what’s really wrong with him? He tells the lady to give her son this medicine and if it doesn’t work to see the doctor. He’s got the whole thing backwards just like Becky and her wanting to give birth in a bedroom. I digress again. I actually really like this episode even though Blanche is sort of being a dick for being disgusted by Bill’s profession. I mean, it's not like the guy is homeless or anything. Dorothy gets a lot of really funny lines here especially her “slut and a moron” crack which is a classic. There is plenty of good stuff that comes out of the B story about Sophia’s will, though to be honest, why is a woman nearing 90 years old just now writing out her will? I guess better late than pregnant! And finally, who else wants to know whether Preparation H is potent enough to shrink a purse? Paging Mr. Wizard. Note: this is the first time in the end credits scene that we get bloopers which hilariously include Sophia rambling off alternate versions of her "I, Sophia Petrillo, leave my daughter..." GRADE: A-


  1. Funny tidbit (whether intentional or not) is that in Blanche's line “Oh, how could you, Ben, Bob, uh, Bill?” the names are the same as the names in the story about her losing her virginity. "That night under the dogwood trees, the air thick with perfume, and me with Billy... or Bobby? Yeah, Bobby. Yeah, it was Bobby... or was it Ben? Oh, who knows! Anyway, it started with a B!”

    1. The writers loved their B alliteration... IE, babblin’ bubble-headed bleach blond.... baboon! (She needed a B!)

  2. Li'l correction: It's Dorothy, rather than Bill, who says "Nothing would give me greater pleasure."

  3. From Feud to Food should go like this--
    Dorothy: “Rose, it's late. What are you doing up?”
    Rose: “I'm just cleaning up some things on your mother's will."
    Dorothy: "Oh you mean the legal language?”
    Rose: “No. I spilled some sauce.”

    1. Duh. Fixed thanks. I need to hire Dorothy to edit this thing.

  4. You're right about the pharmacist giving medicine without a prescription. Never thought of that before.

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