Thursday, April 11, 2019

Dateline: Miami S7E7

Synopsis: After Dorothy leaves for the evening on a date, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia reminisce about bad past dating experiences.

90s Flashback
Dorothy: “Well, I'm off. If you need something to keep you occupied tonight, Rose, why don't you take out a good book and see if you can find Waldo?” [evil laugh]
Rose: “I've never liked her.”

Musical Moments
Dorothy: “Heaven, I'm in heaven/And my heart beats so that I can hardly... What are you all looking at?”
Blanche: “You. What are you so happy about?”
Sophia: “If I know my Dorothy, there's only one thing that makes her this happy.”
Rose: “You're going back to Shady Pines??”
Sophia: “No, you moron. She has a date.”

St. Olaf Vocab
Rose’s date, John: “May I recommend the The Poulet Veronique?”
Rose: “John, I have a rule. If I can't pronounce it, I don't put it in my mouth. Say, do they have gougenflucter?”

That’s What She Said
Rose: “Hi, fellas. Here's something you two can nibble on.”
Blanche: “And we brought you some hors d'oeuvres too.”

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Blanche: “Besides, it's bad luck if you don't get kissed at midnight. Why, my New Year's Eve kiss is the most important one of the whole year. It sets the tone for the next 365 days. One year I didn't get kissed at midnight on New Year's Eve, I didn't get lucky till after the Orange Bowl.”

Lewd Ladies
Blanche [looking through her sex box]: “Your first time should be really special. You need a woman who won't make you nervous or put unrealistic demands on you. A woman who'll be tender and kind and gentle... Where the heck is that riding crop?”

Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: “But I've been disrobing in front of Dr. Kagan for three years. Why would he ask you out when he's seen the promised land?”
Dorothy: “I really don't know. Too many squatters?”

Picture It
Sophia: “Now, sit back and listen, I got a jerk story. Picture it. Brooklyn, 1948. My friend's son was helping me out around the house. I was expecting Dorothy home from the library any minute.” [Sophia proceeds to tell the story about how she found out Dorothy got pregnant]

Insult Watch
Rose’s date, John: “Susan, uh, Susan, please. Uh, this is not the time or the place.”
Susan: “It's me, isn't it? I've driven you away. What if I dyed my hair? [Looking at Rose] I'd even dye it that color. If they still make that color.”

Rose: “So, uh, where are you guys from? I think I detected an accent.”
Arnie: “What does it matter? Life is just one bottomless pit of muck and despair.”
Rose: “Let me guess. New Jersey?”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “So you could imagine how relieved Farmer Gunlinger was when he looked up and saw it wasn't his cow up in that tree. [Arnie sobs] Arnie, what - what's the matter?”
Arnie: “The cow story. My wife's name was Elsie.”

Best of B.E.D.
Dorothy: “You're just jealous about the fact that I have a date on a Saturday night and you don't.”
Blanche: “Saturday night? Kids' stuff. Get lucky on a Tuesday morning, then call me.”
Dorothy: “I guess I'm just not attracted to crossing guards.”
Blanche: “Dorothy, a guy sets a folding chair up in front of my house, I wanna know more.”

Rose: “Well, if being kissed is all you care about, why didn't you just stay at the Rusty Anchor?”
Blanche: “Oh, it was too crowded.”
Rose: “They threw you out again, didn't they?”
Blanche: “Like I'm the only person who ever mixed a margarita in a sailor's mouth.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Rose: “I had just moved to Miami, I was very vulnerable, and I did something that I I guess was a little dumb.”
Sophia & Blanche: [sarcastically] “Noooo.”

Literary Intelligentsia
Rose: “Is that true, Dorothy? Do you have a date tonight?”
Dorothy: “Rose, I mean, that's an awfully personal question to- YES!”
Blanche: “Oh, good God. Dorothy Zbornak has a date on a Saturday night and Blanche Devereaux does not? That sounds like an idea for a Stephen King book.”

Reel References
Waiter: “Well, well, Peter. We just swing the way the wind blows, don't we? And who's this? Glinda, the Good Witch of the North? You disgust me. After the way you've treated me, I should scratch your eyes out. Call me.”
Rose’s date, John: “Poker buddy.”

Golden Quotes
Dorothy: “It so happens I'm having dinner with Dr. Lee Kagan, a medical corporation.”
Blanche: “Not our Dr. Kagan? The Dr. Lee Kagan I love more than life itself?”
Rose: “Dr. Kagan?? Hubba-hubba-zing-zing, baby he's got everything!”

Rose’s date John: “Rose, maybe I shouldn't say this, because some day I hope to be a Supreme Court Justice, but you are quite a babe.”

Rose’s date, John: “Believe me, this is not what it seems. John Patrick Anderson is a regular guy.”
Police officer: “Shlomo Ziegler?”
Rose’s date, John: “Yes?”
Police officer: “You're under arrest. Your days as the Freeway Flasher are over.”

Sophia: “I can't believe my pussycat's been out with that guy for three hours. I'm getting worried. Maybe I should call the police. Nah, he's probably okay.”

Rose: “How could you do this to me, Blanche? You knew I wanted to spend tonight alone.”
Blanche: “Rose, nobody who says they wanna be alone on New Year's Eve ever really means it.”
Rose: “I did.”
Blanche: “Well, you're a freak.”

Rose: “Come on, Arnie, I wanna show you the answer to a riddle. What's Irish and stays out all night?”
Arnie: “I don't know. What, Rose?”
Rose: “Paddy O'Furniture.”

Blanche: “Let me get this straight. Um. You've never... Never, ever?”
Bob: “Not once.”
Blanche: “Have you even thought about it?”
Bob: “Only... all the time. To be honest, I've never even seen a naked lady.”
Blanche: “So what we're saying here is, you're a virgin?”
Bob: “A virgin.”
Blanche: “Oh God. This brings out the artist in me.”

Blanche: “Gosh, it's gettin' late. I bet it's after 1:00 and Dorothy's not home. I guess Dr. Kagan's turning out to be wonderful.”
Rose: “Or maybe he drugged her and sold her into white slavery.”
Sophia: “Either way, I'm glad she's out of the house.”

Critique: Is it just me or is this episode seriously lacking in, oh, BEA ARTHUR?? At this point the writers and producers knew that this would be the final season because Bea wanted out and it’s as if they decided to write an entire episode around the fact that Dorothy was not present to see what would happen. And like a table with only three legs the whole thing collapses. The three segments – which are “flashbacks” but not from previous episodes – are fine in their own right, but the fact that they are Bea-less is obvious. The first segment finds Rose on a date with a guy who keeps running into people he’s apparently still dating including women who keep making fun of Rose’s hair color and a flamboyant waiter. It’s an amusing scene but kind of silly and forgettable. At least it gave us the name Shlomo Ziegler. The second segment is great, with lots of quotable lines, especially from Blanche who brings home a pair of brothers after getting kicked out of The Rusty Anchor on New Year’s Eve (for mixing a margarita in a sailor’s mouth). She pairs up with Bob the virgin (Fred Willard who you’ve seen in countless things including most of Christopher Guest’s mockumentaries). That brings out the ahtist in Blanche. The final segment – like pretty much all of the ones set the past in Brooklyn – is basically a snooze. Yes it’s fun to see Estelle Getty out of makeup playing young Sophia and yes Lyn Greene NAILS a young Dorothy Zbornak but those scenes were never my favorite. Then Dorothy finally shows up at the end and implies that she banged Dr. Kagan so hard that he’s too tired to walk her to the door. End of episode. This is probably one of the weakest Season 7 episodes though the New Year’s Eve scene just barely saves it from an Isaac Newton level disaster (And yes, for the record, the Isaac Newton episode is worse than, say, M. Terrific and most people don’t realize it because everyone always forgets about the Isaac Newton episode but I digress). At least the next episode is the one with Stan’s monkey. GRADE: B-

Wednesday, March 13, 2019

Mother Load S7E6

Synopsis: Blanche dates a local newsman who is having mommy issues; Dorothy reluctantly attends a therapy session with Stan and is shocked to learn he’s trying to win her back.

Crazy Continuity
In a rare form of actual continuity, you can clearly see the monkey traffic cone in Dr. Halperin’s office which will make its appearance in an upcoming episode.

Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: [arriving home after her date] Ohhhh. Mmmmmmm. Oh, my, my, my, my, my, my, MY!!”
Dorothy: “Why do I feel the need to bathe?”

Insult Watch
Rose: “Boy, the timing of Jerry's visit works out perfectly for me. See, his birthday is in two weeks, and the office is giving him a surprise roast. So I have to come up with one or two things that I can kid him about. I can get away with it 'cause he considers me a good friend.”
Dorothy: “Well, then why not tease him about his taste in friends?”

Stan: “Dr. Halperin's working with me on something called ‘closure.’ I'm not going there to try to win you back. I'm going there to try to get over you.”
Sophia: “Go around her, it takes less time.”

Product Placement
Stan: “Dorothy, I'm seeing a psychiatrist. I've discovered that the old Stan really wasn't Stan. He was merely a Stan trying to be the Stan that everyone thought Stan should be.”
Rose: “Hey, I've been there.”
Stan: “But now, with a little bit of help, I'm becoming a new Stan.”
Sophia: “Oh, great. I'll take a People magazine and a Morning Herald.”
Dorothy: “Ma, he is not a newsstand. He's a new Stan.”
Stan: “Then you can see the change?”
Sophia: “I'm waiting for the change. That was a $5 I handed you.”

Sassy Sophia
Dorothy: “Ma, as you know, Stan's been having difficulty making it on his own. Dr. Halperin believes that you can help him in his struggle to separate from me.”
Sophia: “Sure I can. Stay away from my daughter or I'll have your legs broken.”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “Oh, I remember St. Olaf's most famous psychotherapists, the Freud brothers, Sigmund and Roy. You may have read their bestseller, If I Have All the Cheese I Want, Why Am I Still Unhappy?

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Oh, why do these things keep happenin' to me? And why do I let them keep happenin'? I'm just tired of gettin' all dressed up, lookin' gorgeous, going out, only to lose out in the end. On the other hand, I am dressed up, and I do look gorgeous, and it is gringo night at Hernando's Hacienda. Oh, but I don't think I ought to go. I'm just so vulnerable. Does anyone know how to say vulnerable in Spanish? Oh, nevermind, I'll say it with my eyes. Adios.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Jerry: “Well, maybe I shouldn't, Blanche. I mean, t-this darn girdle is tight enough as it is.”
Dorothy: “Rose, did you catch that?”
Rose: “I sure did, my friend. ‘Darn girdle.’ The man refuses to curse.”

From Feud to Food
Dorothy: “Ma, I'm making dinner. What would you like to eat?”
Sophia: “A nice thick T-bone steak, corn on the cob, and pecan pie for dessert. Now ask me what I can chew.”
Dorothy: “I'll start soaking the cornflakes now.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Rose: “So, how was it, Blanche?”
Blanche: “Oh, you might as well ask me to describe the glory of the Great Smoky Mountains as they rise from the mist of a Carolina dawn.”
Dorothy: “They went to a sleazy motel.”
Blanche: “Or the colors of the monarch butterfly, spreading its wings as it emerges from the miracle of the cocoon.”
Dorothy: “She got him to pay for half the room.”
Blanche: “Or the sturdy cypress reaching heavenward, tall and mighty and proud!”
Dorothy: “That one I think is pretty self-explanatory.”

The Boob Tube
Blanche: “Jerry Kennedy, the newscaster?”
Rose: “Uh-huh. He's coming over to pick up his daily planner. I took it home from work by mistake. Boy, was I embarrassed when I showed up for handball with Walter Cronkite. By the way, if you ever run into Walt, don't tell him he looks like Captain Kangaroo.”

Golden Quotes
Rose: “Girls, you will never guess who was just on the phone!”
Blanche: “The real phone Rose, or your Farmer in the Dell phone?”
Rose: “Oh, please. I haven't had a Farmer in the Dell phone since I was 50.”

Rose: “Watch this, Dorothy. He won't even know I'm fishing for info. You know, Jerry, uh, when I was a little girl, my father misplaced his daily planner, too. It was when we were on the way to the state fair. Speaking of state fairs, is it true that you're cheap??”

Rose: “Jerry, I'd like you to meet my roommate, Blanche Devereaux. And, Blanche, this is-”
Blanche: “Oh why, you don't have to tell me. From the Gulf coast to the Atlantic, from the Keys to the Okefenokee, with the 11:00 news, this is Jerry Kennedy.”
Jerry: “Well, I'm flattered.”
Sophia: “From the pit of my stomach to the porcelain of the bowl-”

Jerry’s mother: “Did you know that Gerald is afraid of clowns? Or that he can't go to the bathroom except at home?”
Dorothy: “Oh, so that's why there's that look on his face right before they get to the weather.”

Dr. Halperin: “Now, Stan, what you have to do is ask yourself, why would you want to be with a woman who so clearly doesn't wanna be around you?”
Dorothy: “Well, I think I can answer that, Doctor. There's no other kind.”

Rose: “Girls, I think I have my opening for the roast. Listen. ‘Good evening, everyone. I hope you enjoyed your Cornish game hen.’ [giggles]
Dorothy: “What What's so funny about that?”
Rose: “Oh, I didn't set it up. You see, we're serving Cornish game hen.”
Dorothy: “Oh, well, now that you've explained it. But this still doesn't say anything about Jerry.”
Rose: “I know, I know, but I've drawn a blank. I even called his brother, and they haven't spoken since Jerry was arrested for public nudity. Damn it, there is just nothing funny about that clown-fearing, mama's boy.”

Sophia: [wearing a life jacket] “Wait a minute. This isn't Splash Mountain.”
Dorothy: “Ma, we're not going to Splash Mountain. I want you to meet Dr. Halperin. He's Stan's psychiatrist.”
Dr. Halperin: “Mrs. Petrillo, I've heard a lot about you.”
Sophia: “Lies! All lies! Yes, I wanted a boy, but slowly I learned to accept her.”
Dr. Halperin: “I just meant it was nice to meet you.”
Sophia: “Oops.”

Dr. Halperin: “Sophia, without going into a lot of psychological detail, I believe Stan's clinging to Dorothy is really a suppressed longing for his mother's love. Now, my theory is that, subconsciously, he's transferred that longing to you.”
Sophia: “And if you're wrong?”
Dr. Halperin: “I owe the parking guys a round of drinks.”

Dorothy: “You know, I cannot remember when I had a sponge cake quite so m-moist.”
Jerry: “Extremely moist.”
Rose: “The moistest.”
Sophia: “I found the tea rather moist, as well… What? I can't be uncomfortable, too?”

Jerry: “Well, all these raves have put me in the mood for another slice.”
Jerry’s mother: “Gerald, do you really feel you need another slice?”
Jerry: “Oh, well, maybe you're right, Mother. The television camera does exaggerate the pounds.”
Blanche: “Oh, I don't see where a little sliver would hurt.”
Sophia: “Finally, some action.”
Jerry: “Well, Blanche, I really shouldn't.”
Blanche: “Yes, Jerry, you should.”
Jerry’s mother: “No, he shouldn't. He's watching his refined sugar intake.”
Blanche: “Yes, he should. This cake is sweetened with natural fruit juices.”
Jerry’s mother: “No, he shouldn't. His cross-country skiing machine is in the shop.”
Blanche: “Yes, he should. He gets plenty, and I mean plenty, of exercise with me.”
Sophia: “Checkmate. Hand the guy a fork.”

Sophia: “I said it before, and I'll say it again. Sluts just heal quicker.”

I realize that Sophia is in her mid-80s and she’s not always altogether “there” but how did she get all the way from the car, into the office building, through the lobby, up the elevator, into the waiting room, and finally into Dr. Halperin’s office and then realize she wasn’t on Splash Mountain? But I digress. It is a funny joke in an episode full of solid moments but overall “Mother Load” is arguably one this season’s lesser efforts. Everything with Stan and his psychiatrist is fine but it’s certainly not as funny as Blanche’s A story about dating newscaster Jerry Kennedy. The best running gag of the half hour is certainly Rose trying to find quirky things about Jerry and not realizing that only being able to go to the bathroom at home and wearing a girdle are roast-worthy oddities. The standouts include fantastic uses of the controversial word “moist” and Blanche’s “my my my my my my my” horny moaning which I’ve quoted more times that I’m comfortable admitting. Does Jerry’s mother Millicent look familiar? This is the fourth role she’s had on The GG, her most memorable is probably Candi in “Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself.” Fun Fact: for some reason season 7 is filled with episodes with people who appeared in the 80s comedy “Airplane!” - my all-time favorite movie - Peter Graves is the first of three Season 7 actors to appear on the show. GRADE: B

Tuesday, February 26, 2019

Where’s Charlie S7E5

Synopsis: As a joke, Sophia pretends to be possessed by Charlie which makes Rose question her relationship with Miles; Blanche dates and coaches a baseball player; Dorothy writes a letter to her father.

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Blanche: “I would like you all to meet Stevie. I'm gonna be coachin' him. He's a professional baseball player.”
Dorothy: “Oh, you got Blanche's number from the wall in the dugout?”
Blanche: “Yes, ma'am. And it sure was right. I am having a good time.”

…Until the Buffalo Pooped
Blanche: “Now, here's the vitamins. Take them when you get up.”
Stevie: “Oh, but sometimes I get up at 4:00 a.m. to uh... well, you know.”
Sophia: “I know. Boy, do I know.”
Dorothy: “Yeah, but I'm sure afterwards Stevie doesn't yell, ‘Help! Come get me. My feet are asleep.’”

That’s What She Said
Miles: “Oh, wait minute. Wait a minute. What's this in my pocket?”
Rose: “That line didn't work last night, and it's not gonna work tonight.”

Shady Pines, Ma
Sophia: “If you could have seen her face when I talked like Charlie. I almost wet myself.”
Dorothy: “Listen, you vindictive little sea monkey, you are going to tell Rose the truth.”
Sophia: “Or?”
Dorothy: “Remember Shady Pines?”
Sophia: “Yeah, it wasn't so bad.”
Dorothy: “I hear they sold it to some Germans.”
Sophia [running into the other room]: “Rose? Rose, sweetheart? Rose?”

Insult Watch
Rose [holding out hand]: “Hi, everyone. If I seem a little giddy, it's because... look what Miles gave me.”
Sophia: “Liver spots??”
Rose: “No, the ring.”

Dorothy: “Blanche, just out of curiosity, why don't you check the fruit salad?”
Blanche: “No way. I'm not goin' anywhere near that refrigerator.”
Sophia: “Wow, two miracles in one day.”

Product Placement
[Rose opens the fridge and screams]
Dorothy: “Rose, the light bulb goes on every time. Doesn't mean someone's living there.”
Rose: “It's Charlie. It's Charlie. He's trying to contact me from beyond the grave. It's a miracle!”
Dorothy: “Look closely, Rose. It's Mrs. Butterworth.”

Sassy Sophia
Blanche: “Now, look, you have to discover the sensuality of baseball. There're just many, many, many similarities between baseball and makin' love. The mental preparation, the rush of adrenaline, the unspecified duration of the game.”
Sophia: “And you should hear the cheers coming from Blanche's room on Old-Timers' Day.”

Blanche: “Oh, you're just jealous because I have a healthy sex life and all you have is your mother.”
Sophia: “Dorothy would rather have me than a healthy sex life. Right, Dorothy?”
Dorothy: “Right….NOT!”
Sophia: “That's how you talk to your mother? Put that in the letter to your father. How sassy you've gotten since menopause.”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Ah, girls, what a great night. Stevie went three for four.”
Dorothy: “Oh, you were at the game?”
Blanche: “There was a game??”

Blanche: “Well, then you know what I mean about bein' around athletes. It's fun. And you know what they call ‘em? Jocks. Isn't that simply delicious?”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Rose: “Before I wear this, Miles, I have to know what it means.”
Miles: “Well, it's a friendship ring, like Abbott might have given to Costello.”
Rose: “I love it. So, now we're... a dead comedy team?”
Miles: “What? It's that sense of humor. Oh, that's why I buy you jewelry.”
Rose: “Good night... good buddy.”

From Feud to Food
Rose: “Before he died, Charlie and I agreed that if he ever wanted to tell me something from the other side, we'd have a signal. All the cantaloupe would be on one side of the fruit salad. See, Charlie liked to eat each type of fruit separately. He hated it when they were all mixed together.”
Blanche: “Then why did you make fruit salad?”
Rose: “That was an argument we must have had about a million times. But he hated cantaloupe. He said he'd rather be dead than eat cantaloupe.”
Dorothy: “Hence, the signal.”
Rose: “Dorothy, it's a miracle.”

Brooklyn: A Fairyland
Blanche: “Remember how you used to feel when your boyfriend was star of the football team? Oh, look who I'm talkin' to!”
Sophia: “My Dorothy knew the star of the football team very well. In fact, she was the head cheerleader. Head cheerleader, listen to me. She was the mascot. They put her in a bear suit with pom-poms. Do the growl, pussycat. Come on, do the growl.”
Dorothy: “Maaaa.”
Sophia: “That's it. That's it.”
Dorothy: “No, it so happens I was their good luck charm. They won a lot of games with me in that suit.”
Sophia: “Sure, the other team was always afraid we'd send in the bear. God, you gave me a lot of laughs.”
Dorothy: “Maaaa.”
Sophia: “That's it. Oh, stop it. Stop it.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Sophia: “Charlie wasn't here. It was me. I was playing a little joke on you. [mimicking Charlie] Hello, Rose.”
Rose: “One second, Charlie. What do you mean it wasn't you, Sophia?”
Dorothy: “Rose, Ma was playing a very mean trick on you. Although now I can see the temptation.”

What, We Can’t Learn From History?
Blanche: “Stevie's leavin' me.”
Dorothy: “For another woman?”
Blanche: “Oh don't be ridiculous. He's leaving me for Tokyo.”
Dorothy: “Oh sweetheart. I'm sorry.”
Rose: “What's going on?”
Dorothy: “Oh, Stevie's leaving Blanche for Tokyo, Rose.”
Rose: “Well, I can understand that. She is a big radio personality.”

What Do I Look Like, a Cross-Dresser?
Blanche: “Oh, wait a minute, almost forgot. I want you to put this lingerie on under your uniform for battin' practice.”
Stevie: “I know you said you'd help my game, but do you think this will work?”
Blanche: “Yes.”
Stevie: “I can't wear this. Do you have any idea the kind of teasing that goes on in a locker room?”
Blanche: “Yes.”

Blanche: “Stevie?? What happened to you?”
Stevie: “Blanche, honey, what's happened to me is the most wonderful thing that could happen to a man, and it's all because of you. For the first time in my life, I'm batting .310, and I like myself.”
Dorothy: “Oh Blanche, you really know how to mold a man. He comes in Steve and goes out Eddie.”

Reel References
Dorothy: “I just read somewhere that you can settle your feelings about someone even after they're gone, and there were a lot of things I never told Pop while he was alive. I never even got to say goodbye. So, I'm getting all this stored-up emotion out in a letter.”
Sophia: “Good idea, pussycat. I'm gonna write one to Mario Lanza.”

Sophia: “Now, wait a minute. You're a coaching a baseball player by letting him wear your underwear? Didn't I see this movie? A woman helps a handsome ballplayer and he goes off to live with the Indians. What was it called? Dances with Bulls?”
Dorothy: “Ma, you're confusing Bull Durham with Dances with Wolves.”
Sophia: “Ah, what's the difference? You get to see Kevin Costner's buns in both of them.”

Golden Quotes
Blanche: “Some people are great artists, some are great musicians. I have but one talent.”
Sophia: “Ooo! Ooo! I know.”
Dorothy: “Come on, Ma, too easy.”
Sophia: “That's what I was gonna say.”
Blanche: “My talent is molding men. And I'm not doin' this just for myself, I'm doin' it for baseball. For the fans. The community expects somethin' of me.”
Dorothy [raising hand]: “Ooo! Ooo! I know!”

Sophia: “He was proud of you. I remember him saying, ‘Anyone would want a daughter like this.’ Of course, he was saying it to the gypsies.”
Dorothy: “Look, I don't have to listen to this. Have you any idea how it makes me feel when you say things like that?”
Sophia: “No. After I'm dead, drop me a note.”

Sophia [pretending to be possessed]: “Wait, Rose.”
Rose: “What, Sophia?”
Sophia [pretending to be possessed]: “It's not Sophia. It's Charlie. I'm in the old lady's body.”
Rose: “Come on, Sophia, you're full of... fruit salad. Charlie? Charlie, I want to believe it's you. Tell me something that only the two of us would know.”
Sophia [pretending to be possessed]: “Don't take any wooden nickels.”
Rose: “Oh my god it is you!”

Sophia: “What happened? Why am I standing? When can I get that twenty?”
Rose: “Sophia, the most amazing thing happened. Charlie was here, in your body.”
Sophia: “Really? If I had known he was coming, I would have tidied up a bit.”

Rose: “I heard Charlie's voice coming out of Sophia. He wanted me to give the ring back.”
Dorothy: “You're a horrible little person.”
Sophia: “Come on, like you never pretended to be possessed by somebody's dead husband for a couple of laughs.”

Blanche: “Fine. Fine. You gotta move on? Move on. But let me tell you somethin', mister, I haven't taught you half of what I know. [hits baseball] And I wasn't even wearin' underwear.”

Dorothy: “Ma, don't you have something to say?”
Sophia: “Yeah. [to Rose] How come when your head moves, your hair doesn't?”
Dorothy: “Ma, that's a question. Granted, a very good question, but we're looking for a statement.”

Sophia: “Rose, we have to talk.”
Rose: “Forget it, Sophia. I'm not talking to you. What you did is the worst thing you've ever done to me.
Sophia: “Oh, come on. Worse than the time I buried you up to your neck in sand and let the children throw baseballs at you for 25 cents?”
Rose: “Well I can't hold that against you. That was for charity.”
Sophia: “Yeah, right, charity.”

Miles: “Hey, Rose, come on. Let's go. I've got a great idea. You ever watch that romantic cruise that leaves at 6:00 p.m. from the pier?”
Rose: “Oh Miles!”
Miles: “Let's go watch it again.”

Sophia: “Oh, pussycat. [reading Dorothy’s letter] ‘Dear Ma. Thanks for giving me life and thanks for making it good. I love you.’ And I love you, too, pussycat.”
Dorothy: “And I love you too. And I'm glad you're my mom.”
Sophia: “And I'm glad you're my baby.”
Dorothy: “That's probably the schmaltz police.”

Ok burning question: Why the hell would Rose mail that ring back to Miles instead of just giving it to him in person? I mean what if it got lost in the mail? Hopefully she bought insurance. Was she never planning on seeing him again or something? But I digress. How funny is it to see Sophia pretending to be possessed by Charlie? I love the ridiculousness of it all and I like to think the writers had just watched Ghost and figured a pottery scene was out of the question. I find this to be a relatively low=key episode considering it’s the wacky final season. I mean it is a bit wacky. They obviously take a cue from Bull Durham with Blanche’s storyline and the whole thing feels like a set up for one of the best and most random jokes in whole series: Tokyo Rose. Sophia asking Dorothy to “do the growl” is a great little moment. And lastly, who else wishes Dances with Bulls was a real movie? GRADE: B

Thursday, February 7, 2019

That's For Me to Know S7E4

Synopsis: Blanche must lose a renter or come up with $10,000 in home modifications; Dorothy finds a wedding photo with Sophia with a man who isn’t her father.

Musical Moments
Sophia: “Okay, 1920 it is. The year I sailed for America. Ah, America. The land of opportunity, where the streets were paved with gold, and a young man named Irving Berlin was writing songs like this. Hit it. Dorothy, where's our piano player?”

Let’s Get Political
Dorothy: “Rose, you are not going to move out.”
Rose: “Well, somebody has to. How else are we gonna choose?”
Blanche: “We could do what they do in Russia. We could vote Here, it's the only fair way.”
Sophia: “I would just like the panel to disregard that accident-in-the-hall thing.”

…Until the Buffalo Pooped
Rose: “Oh, Blanche, I'm sorry.”
Blanche: Oh, honey, I'm sorry, too.”
Rose: “Oh, no, but I'm really sorry.”
Dorothy [entering]: “Oh, girls, I am so sorry.”
Blanche: “No, we're the ones that are sorry.”
Sophia: [entering]: “I'm sorry.”
Rose: “Oh, sweetie, get over here. We're sorry, too.”
Blanche: “Yes, we are. We're really sorry. It's our fault, too.”
Sophia: “Hey, how were you supposed to know I had an accident in the hall. Wait, why were you guys sorry?”

That’s What She Said
Blanche: “It's not in yet, Don.”

Animal Alert
Sophia: “What a night. Did you hear that racket out front? I didn't sleep at all. I think Dreyfuss has the hots for our lawn flamingo.”
Dorothy: “Ma, we don't have a lawn flamingo.”
Sophia: “In that case, we'd better tip the paperboy.”

Picture It
Dorothy: “I'm doing a family history. And I'm gonna need your help. You know, I think it's important to tell the grandchildren about their ancestors. Give them a sense of pride in those who came before them.”
Sophia: “Even Uncle Nunzio?”
Dorothy: “Even Uncle Nunzio, but we call the goat a pet.”

Sophia [into recorder]: “It all happened so fast. He grabbed her. She bit him. He stuffed her in his calamari wagon and sped away. And that, dear grandchildren, is how my parents met.”
Dorothy: “How romantic, a roll in the squid. May I remind you, the purpose of these stories is to give the kids family pride.”
Sophia: “Hey, I'll have you know it was my father who single-handedly invented the ransom note.”

Sophia: “Here goes. The man you saw in that picture was Guido Spirelli. He was my first husband through an arranged marriage, which I had later annulled.”
Dorothy: “And?”
Sophia: “And I shot him just to watch him die. What do you mean, ‘And?’”
Dorothy: “I mean, that's all? That's all you're gonna tell me about it?”
Sophia: “We were promised to each other when we were nine. By most Sicilian standards, he was considered quite a catch. And he was supposed to inherit the family business.”
Dorothy: “Oh, what was the family business?”
Sophia: “Getting even.”
Dorothy: “So, what was the problem? What, you didn't love him?”
Sophia: “Nah, he was a workaholic. I had the marriage annulled, and two days after it was official, I left for America.”
Dorothy: “Ma, why couldn't you tell me this?”
Sophia: “Dorothy, I went against centuries of tradition. You don't leave an arranged marriage. I disgraced my family's entire way of life.”

Zbornak Zingers
Rose: “So Blanche, you must be paying extra to get a building permit that quickly.”
Blanche: “Hey, I'll tell you one thing, the damn government isn't gonna see one red cent of my money.”
Rose: “But Blanche, the city requires a permit on any new home construction built within five feet of a standing structure used as a primary dwelling.”
Dorothy: “Rose, all this technical information, it doesn't sound like you.”
Rose: “And if Blanche doesn't get that permit, I think they could make her live in a shoe.”
Dorothy: “Welcome back, sweetheart.”

Insult Watch
Rose: “I am the smartest woman in the whole world!”
Dorothy: “And I am the Pygmy queen.”
Rose: “Blanche, what would you say if I got a permit that would let you have as many people stay here as you want?”
Blanche: “What? Oh that's terrific… Rose, this says I'm gonna turn my home into a halfway house for recently released criminals.”
Dorothy: “Yes Rose, you are the smartest person in the world. Burger World.

Dorothy: “I’m afraid that no one’s leaving. You see, we're a family here. Well, not the conventional one, but we love each other and-”
Sophia: “Excuse me, snoop.”
Dorothy: “Liar.”
Sophia: “Rhino.”
Dorothy: “Lizard. It's real love, Mr. Benson. It's an honest love. And, yes, we might have secrets that we stubbornly try to hide from each other-”
Sophia: “Python.”
Dorothy: “Swamp insect. But we're a family nonetheless, and you can't break us up.”

Oh Shut Up, Rose
Blanche: “You were right about tellin' the truth.”
Rose: “Oh well, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's citizenship. That and guessing the weight of brood sows.”
Blanche: “Shut up.”
Rose: “135.”

Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “Hey, keep away from that.”
Dorothy: “What are you - what's in the box?”
Sophia: “Mexican jumping beans.”
Dorothy: “Ma...”
Sophia: “Sorry, Hispanic jumping beans.”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “You know, people in St. Olaf are lucky. We all had the same family tree. You can trace each of us back to the same brother and sister.”
Dorothy: “Well, I think that completes the puzzle.”

Rose: “I know what you're gonna say, Dorothy, you can't stand to see me go. But I've made up my mind.”
Dorothy: “Rose, listen-”
Rose: “Now you're going to tell me, ‘I'll miss you. God, how I'll miss you.’”
Dorothy: “Rose, you have to listen to me.”
Rose: “‘You know, Rosie,’ you're thinking. ‘I sure could use one last St. Olaf story before you leave.’ And then I'd ask, ‘Shall I tell you about how the St. Olafians were one of the original lost tribes of Israel?’” Dorothy: “TAXI!!”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Oh this is just so exciting. I love construction workers! Good with their hands, dumb as stumps, and don't mind showin’ their buns when they bend over.”

Blanche: “Rose, if I use this permit, any kind of scum could walk through the door. Thieves, murderers, men who haven't seen a woman for 10 years, who've been doin' nothin' but liftin' weights and countin' the days…. Dorothy, remind me again why this was a bad idea.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Rose: “Hey, look what I found.”
Dorothy: “The box! Rose, where did you get it??”
Rose: “Well, I was just under my bed playing, and then there it was.”

Don the Inspector: “I got a call from a Lois Nylund.”
Rose: “Oh, that's Rose Nylund. Rose, as in a series of seats in a movie theater.”
Don the Inspector: “Or the flower?”
Rose: “Well yeah, that too.”

Lesbian. Lesbian? LESBIAN??
Don the Inspector: “Somebody moving in?”
Rose: “Oh, hardly. With the three of us renting from Blanche, we're practically sleeping on top of each other.”
Don the Inspector: “Oh, you can't do that.”
Rose: “Well, we all wear pajamas.”

From Feud to Food
Dorothy: “Ah, here you are, Ma. I still have a couple of questions about our family history, if that's okay.”
Sophia: “Fine. As long as you don't ask me about the box.”
Dorothy: “The box? What bo-? Oh! It completely slipped my mind.”
Sophia: “Oh yeah. That kind of thing happens to me all the uh- all the uh- all the shrimp you can eat.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Blanche: “Dorothy, guess what I have under my robe?”
Dorothy: “That guy from the circus?”
Blanche: “No, Dorothy, my new swimsuit. I'm wearing it to entice the muscular young men who are comin’ over to install my hot tub. Would you like to see it?”
Dorothy: “Is it a two-piece?”
Blanche: “Yes.”
Dorothy: “No.”

Reel References
Dorothy: “Now, if we want to stay together, we're gonna have to raise $10,000.”
Blanche: “Well, I don't see why I should have to raise any money. I didn't create this problem. I think the moronic Scandinavian nitwit ought to pay it.”
Rose: “She's talking about me, isn't she?”
Dorothy: “No Rose, she's talking about Spike Lee.”

Golden Quotes
Blanche: “You can't come in here. This house has been quarantined. We all have, uh, uh... quick, Rose, give me a deadly disease.”
Rose: “Oh I'm sorry, Blanche. I don't have a deadly disease.”
Blanche: “Well, get one.

Blanche: “Look, Rose, I have calculated the cost of this hot tub right down to the last penny. I cannot afford any useless permits. Now, if he insists I have to have them, it's gonna be on your head. Period!”
Rose: “Well, I can't believe she said that. Exclamation point.”
Dorothy: “Well, who's to say? Question mark, new paragraph... What the hell am I saying?”

Rose: “Well, face facts. I mean, we were already roommates when you brought your mother in. So either pay up, or Sophia should move out.”
Dorothy: “Oh thank you very much, but if anybody is going to put my mother out in the cold, it's going to be me. No, Rose, forget it.”
Blanche: “She did sort of just dump the old lady on us, didn't she?”
Dorothy: “Oh, now you're buddy-buddy with the moronic Scandinavian nitwit?”
Rose: “Jealous, are we?”

Blanche: “Okay. Okay. Here we go. Good luck, ladies. [reading the votes] “Dorothy... Dorothy... Dorothy…... Dorothy...”
Sophia: “Well, that's that. Let's eat. I'm starved.”
Dorothy: “Wait a minute. How did this happen??”
Sophia: “We all voted for you.”
Blanche: “Well, Dorothy, it's your own damn fault. Why did you have to vote for yourself?”
Dorothy: “I just assumed that everyone was gonna vote for Rose, and I-I didn't want a sweep to hurt her feelings.”
Blanche: “I guess that would hurt.”
Dorothy: “It DOES!”

Sophia: “Land. I'm a landowner. I've made it. And it only took 80 years. Finally, property. I'll be planting soon.”
Dorothy: “Ma!”
Rose: “Oh, Blanche, this was so generous of you. I'm so touched.”
Blanche: “Well, you know, I just got to thinkin'. Yeah, this house was the home of my family. But you're right, you're family now. So, now it's our home.”
Sophia: “Rabbits. Gonna raise me some rabbits as big as your head.”

Sophia: “Pussycat?”
Dorothy: “Yeah, Ma?”
Sophia: “You make me very proud.”
Dorothy: “No, Ma, you make me proud.”
Sophia: “I hope you're not waiting for a hug.”
Dorothy: “Oh come here, you tramp.”

Ten thousand seems to be the magic number. It’s the amount of money they need in order make improvements on the house. It was also the amount of money they needed for a new roof. It was also the amount of their winning lotto ticket. It was also the prize money for winning the Miami song writing contest. The show’s writers must of needed to get naked to count to 21. But I digress. This is a completely fine episode with some particular highlights. One of which is probably a fan-favorite sequence in which Blanche reads off everyone’s vote for who should move out. The way she reads off Dorothy’s names is brilliant and hilarious. And the look on Dorothy’s face is classic Dorothy Zbornak. This episode is notable because it’s when Blanche officially sells the house so that all four women are co-owners. I still don’t quite buy that Blanche would be so hesitant to offer equity to them. There are plenty of other times in the series where the ladies are upset about someone moving out, etc. There were also previous times when the house itself needed fixing (ie, the roof) and apparently it was all of their problem not just Blanche’s. And Dorothy was the slumlord?? (We’ll get there). I also don’t understand how Dorothy could not know all that stuff about Sophia’s past. Sophia doesn’t shut up about Sicily. And I don’t buy that there’s a random box that Dorothy didn’t know about. And finally, after all that, where the hell is that damn hot tub that Blanche wanted so badly?? GRADE: B+