Thursday, February 7, 2019

That's For Me to Know S7E4

Synopsis: Blanche must lose a renter or come up with $10,000 in home modifications; Dorothy finds a wedding photo with Sophia with a man who isn’t her father.

Musical Moments
Sophia: “Okay, 1920 it is. The year I sailed for America. Ah, America. The land of opportunity, where the streets were paved with gold, and a young man named Irving Berlin was writing songs like this. Hit it. Dorothy, where's our piano player?”

Let’s Get Political
Dorothy: “Rose, you are not going to move out.”
Rose: “Well, somebody has to. How else are we gonna choose?”
Blanche: “We could do what they do in Russia. We could vote Here, it's the only fair way.”
Sophia: “I would just like the panel to disregard that accident-in-the-hall thing.”

…Until the Buffalo Pooped
Rose: “Oh, Blanche, I'm sorry.”
Blanche: Oh, honey, I'm sorry, too.”
Rose: “Oh, no, but I'm really sorry.”
Dorothy [entering]: “Oh, girls, I am so sorry.”
Blanche: “No, we're the ones that are sorry.”
Sophia: [entering]: “I'm sorry.”
Rose: “Oh, sweetie, get over here. We're sorry, too.”
Blanche: “Yes, we are. We're really sorry. It's our fault, too.”
Sophia: “Hey, how were you supposed to know I had an accident in the hall. Wait, why were you guys sorry?”

That’s What She Said
Blanche: “It's not in yet, Don.”

Animal Alert
Sophia: “What a night. Did you hear that racket out front? I didn't sleep at all. I think Dreyfuss has the hots for our lawn flamingo.”
Dorothy: “Ma, we don't have a lawn flamingo.”
Sophia: “In that case, we'd better tip the paperboy.”

Picture It
Dorothy: “I'm doing a family history. And I'm gonna need your help. You know, I think it's important to tell the grandchildren about their ancestors. Give them a sense of pride in those who came before them.”
Sophia: “Even Uncle Nunzio?”
Dorothy: “Even Uncle Nunzio, but we call the goat a pet.”

Sophia [into recorder]: “It all happened so fast. He grabbed her. She bit him. He stuffed her in his calamari wagon and sped away. And that, dear grandchildren, is how my parents met.”
Dorothy: “How romantic, a roll in the squid. May I remind you, the purpose of these stories is to give the kids family pride.”
Sophia: “Hey, I'll have you know it was my father who single-handedly invented the ransom note.”

Sophia: “Here goes. The man you saw in that picture was Guido Spirelli. He was my first husband through an arranged marriage, which I had later annulled.”
Dorothy: “And?”
Sophia: “And I shot him just to watch him die. What do you mean, ‘And?’”
Dorothy: “I mean, that's all? That's all you're gonna tell me about it?”
Sophia: “We were promised to each other when we were nine. By most Sicilian standards, he was considered quite a catch. And he was supposed to inherit the family business.”
Dorothy: “Oh, what was the family business?”
Sophia: “Getting even.”
Dorothy: “So, what was the problem? What, you didn't love him?”
Sophia: “Nah, he was a workaholic. I had the marriage annulled, and two days after it was official, I left for America.”
Dorothy: “Ma, why couldn't you tell me this?”
Sophia: “Dorothy, I went against centuries of tradition. You don't leave an arranged marriage. I disgraced my family's entire way of life.”

Zbornak Zingers
Rose: “So Blanche, you must be paying extra to get a building permit that quickly.”
Blanche: “Hey, I'll tell you one thing, the damn government isn't gonna see one red cent of my money.”
Rose: “But Blanche, the city requires a permit on any new home construction built within five feet of a standing structure used as a primary dwelling.”
Dorothy: “Rose, all this technical information, it doesn't sound like you.”
Rose: “And if Blanche doesn't get that permit, I think they could make her live in a shoe.”
Dorothy: “Welcome back, sweetheart.”

Insult Watch
Rose: “I am the smartest woman in the whole world!”
Dorothy: “And I am the Pygmy queen.”
Rose: “Blanche, what would you say if I got a permit that would let you have as many people stay here as you want?”
Blanche: “What? Oh that's terrific… Rose, this says I'm gonna turn my home into a halfway house for recently released criminals.”
Dorothy: “Yes Rose, you are the smartest person in the world. Burger World.

Dorothy: “I’m afraid that no one’s leaving. You see, we're a family here. Well, not the conventional one, but we love each other and-”
Sophia: “Excuse me, snoop.”
Dorothy: “Liar.”
Sophia: “Rhino.”
Dorothy: “Lizard. It's real love, Mr. Benson. It's an honest love. And, yes, we might have secrets that we stubbornly try to hide from each other-”
Sophia: “Python.”
Dorothy: “Swamp insect. But we're a family nonetheless, and you can't break us up.”

Oh Shut Up, Rose
Blanche: “You were right about tellin' the truth.”
Rose: “Oh well, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's citizenship. That and guessing the weight of brood sows.”
Blanche: “Shut up.”
Rose: “135.”

Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “Hey, keep away from that.”
Dorothy: “What are you - what's in the box?”
Sophia: “Mexican jumping beans.”
Dorothy: “Ma...”
Sophia: “Sorry, Hispanic jumping beans.”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “You know, people in St. Olaf are lucky. We all had the same family tree. You can trace each of us back to the same brother and sister.”
Dorothy: “Well, I think that completes the puzzle.”

Rose: “I know what you're gonna say, Dorothy, you can't stand to see me go. But I've made up my mind.”
Dorothy: “Rose, listen-”
Rose: “Now you're going to tell me, ‘I'll miss you. God, how I'll miss you.’”
Dorothy: “Rose, you have to listen to me.”
Rose: “‘You know, Rosie,’ you're thinking. ‘I sure could use one last St. Olaf story before you leave.’ And then I'd ask, ‘Shall I tell you about how the St. Olafians were one of the original lost tribes of Israel?’” Dorothy: “TAXI!!”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Oh this is just so exciting. I love construction workers! Good with their hands, dumb as stumps, and don't mind showin’ their buns when they bend over.”

Blanche: “Rose, if I use this permit, any kind of scum could walk through the door. Thieves, murderers, men who haven't seen a woman for 10 years, who've been doin' nothin' but liftin' weights and countin' the days…. Dorothy, remind me again why this was a bad idea.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Rose: “Hey, look what I found.”
Dorothy: “The box! Rose, where did you get it??”
Rose: “Well, I was just under my bed playing, and then there it was.”

Don the Inspector: “I got a call from a Lois Nylund.”
Rose: “Oh, that's Rose Nylund. Rose, as in a series of seats in a movie theater.”
Don the Inspector: “Or the flower?”
Rose: “Well yeah, that too.”

Lesbian. Lesbian? LESBIAN??
Don the Inspector: “Somebody moving in?”
Rose: “Oh, hardly. With the three of us renting from Blanche, we're practically sleeping on top of each other.”
Don the Inspector: “Oh, you can't do that.”
Rose: “Well, we all wear pajamas.”

From Feud to Food
Dorothy: “Ah, here you are, Ma. I still have a couple of questions about our family history, if that's okay.”
Sophia: “Fine. As long as you don't ask me about the box.”
Dorothy: “The box? What bo-? Oh! It completely slipped my mind.”
Sophia: “Oh yeah. That kind of thing happens to me all the uh- all the uh- all the shrimp you can eat.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Blanche: “Dorothy, guess what I have under my robe?”
Dorothy: “That guy from the circus?”
Blanche: “No, Dorothy, my new swimsuit. I'm wearing it to entice the muscular young men who are comin’ over to install my hot tub. Would you like to see it?”
Dorothy: “Is it a two-piece?”
Blanche: “Yes.”
Dorothy: “No.”

Reel References
Dorothy: “Now, if we want to stay together, we're gonna have to raise $10,000.”
Blanche: “Well, I don't see why I should have to raise any money. I didn't create this problem. I think the moronic Scandinavian nitwit ought to pay it.”
Rose: “She's talking about me, isn't she?”
Dorothy: “No Rose, she's talking about Spike Lee.”

Golden Quotes
Blanche: “You can't come in here. This house has been quarantined. We all have, uh, uh... quick, Rose, give me a deadly disease.”
Rose: “Oh I'm sorry, Blanche. I don't have a deadly disease.”
Blanche: “Well, get one.

Blanche: “Look, Rose, I have calculated the cost of this hot tub right down to the last penny. I cannot afford any useless permits. Now, if he insists I have to have them, it's gonna be on your head. Period!”
Rose: “Well, I can't believe she said that. Exclamation point.”
Dorothy: “Well, who's to say? Question mark, new paragraph... What the hell am I saying?”

Rose: “Well, face facts. I mean, we were already roommates when you brought your mother in. So either pay up, or Sophia should move out.”
Dorothy: “Oh thank you very much, but if anybody is going to put my mother out in the cold, it's going to be me. No, Rose, forget it.”
Blanche: “She did sort of just dump the old lady on us, didn't she?”
Dorothy: “Oh, now you're buddy-buddy with the moronic Scandinavian nitwit?”
Rose: “Jealous, are we?”

Blanche: “Okay. Okay. Here we go. Good luck, ladies. [reading the votes] “Dorothy... Dorothy... Dorothy…... Dorothy...”
Sophia: “Well, that's that. Let's eat. I'm starved.”
Dorothy: “Wait a minute. How did this happen??”
Sophia: “We all voted for you.”
Blanche: “Well, Dorothy, it's your own damn fault. Why did you have to vote for yourself?”
Dorothy: “I just assumed that everyone was gonna vote for Rose, and I-I didn't want a sweep to hurt her feelings.”
Blanche: “I guess that would hurt.”
Dorothy: “It DOES!”

Sophia: “Land. I'm a landowner. I've made it. And it only took 80 years. Finally, property. I'll be planting soon.”
Dorothy: “Ma!”
Rose: “Oh, Blanche, this was so generous of you. I'm so touched.”
Blanche: “Well, you know, I just got to thinkin'. Yeah, this house was the home of my family. But you're right, you're family now. So, now it's our home.”
Sophia: “Rabbits. Gonna raise me some rabbits as big as your head.”

Sophia: “Pussycat?”
Dorothy: “Yeah, Ma?”
Sophia: “You make me very proud.”
Dorothy: “No, Ma, you make me proud.”
Sophia: “I hope you're not waiting for a hug.”
Dorothy: “Oh come here, you tramp.”


Critique:
Ten thousand seems to be the magic number. It’s the amount of money they need in order make improvements on the house. It was also the amount of money they needed for a new roof. It was also the amount of their winning lotto ticket. It was also the prize money for winning the Miami song writing contest. The show’s writers must of needed to get naked to count to 21. But I digress. This is a completely fine episode with some particular highlights. One of which is probably a fan-favorite sequence in which Blanche reads off everyone’s vote for who should move out. The way she reads off Dorothy’s names is brilliant and hilarious. And the look on Dorothy’s face is classic Dorothy Zbornak. This episode is notable because it’s when Blanche officially sells the house so that all four women are co-owners. I still don’t quite buy that Blanche would be so hesitant to offer equity to them. There are plenty of other times in the series where the ladies are upset about someone moving out, etc. There were also previous times when the house itself needed fixing (ie, the roof) and apparently it was all of their problem not just Blanche’s. And Dorothy was the slumlord?? (We’ll get there). I also don’t understand how Dorothy could not know all that stuff about Sophia’s past. Sophia doesn’t shut up about Sicily. And I don’t buy that there’s a random box that Dorothy didn’t know about. And finally, after all that, where the hell is that damn hot tub that Blanche wanted so badly?? GRADE: B+

Sunday, January 27, 2019

Beauty and the Beast S7E3

Synopsis: Dorothy hires a nurse to care for Sophia after she injures herself; Blanche’s granddaughter Melissa visits who she promptly enters into the Little Miss Miami Pageant.

90s Flashback
Dorothy: “Look, I know you are both upset, but nothing I have heard is grounds for firing the woman.”
Nurse DeFarge: “Oh, excuse me, ladies. Oh, by the way, Dorothy, a man called wanting to know if you were free Saturday night, but I forgot to write down the number. Sorry.”
Dorothy: “Hasta la vista, baby!”

Musical Moments
Nurse DeFarge [singing]: Well, it won't be a stylish marriage”
Sophia: I can't afford a carriage.”
Both: But you'll look sweet/Upon the seat/Of a bicycle built for two”
Dorothy: “Oh my God, they've bonded!”

Blanche: “Honey, do you remember the words? Gray skies are gonna clear up/Put on a happy face Come on, sweetheart, sing. Brush off the clouds and cheer up. Go down the stairs. Here's where you move your feet. Move! Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy/It's not your She was so good at home. You'll look so good that you'll be glad you decided to smile Smile. Pick out a pleasant outlook/Stick out that noble chin Stick it out. If you sing, I'll buy you a puppy. Slap on a happy grin/And spread sunshine all. Oh, let me have that boa. Just, put on a happy/Put on a happy. Her daddy's still in the Gulf. Put on a happy. Melissa? Face!

Sophia [gets up from wheelchair to dance]: “Daisy, Daisy/Give me your answer true, I'm... [seeing Dorothy] Hello.”
Dorothy: “Helloooo.”
Sophia: “It's a miracle! I can walk!”

Shady Pines, Ma
Dorothy: “Ma, what are you doing?”
Sophia: “I'm rolling for my life. You hired the Angel of Death from Shady Pines.”
Dorothy: “Ma, don't be ridiculous. She is not the Angel of Death. She is a private nurse with excellent references. And for the last time, Shady Pines is a very reputable rest home.”
Sophia: “I'm telling you, Dorothy, they used to pre-sell our bodies to medical schools. That was the big joke, ‘how would you like to go to college??’”

Brooklyn: A Fairyland
Dorothy: “Blanche, I'm not sure that this is a good idea, either. I mean, beauty pageants are archaic and sexist, not to mention degrading.”
Rose: “Lost the Little Miss Brooklyn contest, did you?”
Dorothy: “I practiced that trombone for weeks! And there was Ma sitting in the front row, sucking a lemon.”
Blanche: “Well, you were just nervous because your mother was in the front row.”
Dorothy: “She was a judge.”

Insult Watch
Blanche: “This competition's gonna be a piece of cake, Rose. Just look around. Ugly! No charisma. Now there's a gym teacher waitin’ to happen.”
Rose: “Blanche, how can you say that? All these girls are adorable.”
Blanche: “Oh, yeah, sure. I just wish I had that one's nose full of nickels.”

Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “Dorothy, I really wish you'd respect my feelings about this.”
Dorothy: “Ma, I really wish you had voted for me in the Little Miss Brooklyn pageant!”
Sophia: “Hey, I calls 'em as I sees 'em.”

Back in St. Olaf
Blanche: “Look at this face, girls. How could a child this gorgeous lose? I think it's a great idea.”
Rose: “Oh sure it is, if you like the notion of children competing in a bloodthirsty, winner-take-all contest, where what's on the outside is considered more important than what's on the inside.”
Dorothy: “Lost the Little Miss St. Olaf pageant, did you?”
Rose: “Twenty-three years in a row. Once they picked Eileen Ditmeyer's imaginary playmate over me. Well, sure, she was more talented, but still, I smelled a rat.”
Blanche: “You mean the contest was fixed?”
Rose: “No, that was my talent. Smelling rats!”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “I swear, I have no idea how to keep her entertained.”
Dorothy: “Honey, the important thing is to spend time with her. Why don't you do something that both of you enjoy? Why don't you take her to the movies, to the beach? Why don't you take her to the petting zoo?”
Blanche: “The Petting Zoo?? Dorothy, even I don't go to that club anymore.”

Until the Buffalo Pooped…
Sophia: “Well, it's your fault I sprained both my ankles.”
Dorothy: “Ma, you were the one who sneezed and blew yourself off the stool.”
Sophia: “It wouldn't have happened if you'd let me sit at the table that night.”
Dorothy: “Look Ma, you know the rules. When we eat Mexican food, you sit at the counter.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Dorothy: “Now, it's settled. I'll have a nurse here tomorrow.”
Sophia: “Wouldn't it be cheaper just to set me adrift on some ice flow?”
Dorothy: “If it were, do you think you'd still be here?”

Literary Intelligentsia
Blanche: “Melissa, may I speak with you, please?”
Rose: “Could you wait a moment? Someone's having a story read to her.”
Blanche: “I'm sorry. Go ahead.”
Melisa [reading]: “And the prince took the princess to the castle and they lived happily ever after. The end.”
Rose: “They didn't get married??”
Melissa: “That's implied.”

Reel References
[Nurse DeFarge changes the channel]
Blanche: “Hey!”
Dorothy: “What are you doing?”
Rose: “We were gonna watch The Nun's Story. I've never seen it before.”
Nurse DeFarge: “Oh, she leaves the convent in the end.”

The Boob Tube
Nurse DeFarge: “Here it is, Ironside. He's the master of the wheelchair. Just look at the way he takes those corners.”
Sophia: “Oh, come on. The guy's got radials.”
Dorothy: “Excuse me, we were watching something else.”
Nurse DeFarge: “Well, Sophia wants to watch Ironside, and I believe a happy patient is a healthy patient.”

Golden Quotes
Sophia: “I don't need a nurse. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”
Dorothy: “Oh, really? Then why have you been running me ragged doing things for you?”
Sophia: “Honestly? It tickles me.”

Melissa: “Grandma took me down to the docks to watch the sailors come in.”
Dorothy: “I remember spending that quality wharf time with my grandma.”
Melissa: “Oh and guess what? Grandma gave me a new nickname to call her in front of the Navy.”
Dorothy: “Oh, what was that?”
Melissa: “Sis.”
Blanche: “Well, she calls her other grandmother ‘Grandma.’ This just cuts down on the confusion. Run along, darlin’. Run along.”

Melissa: “Hi, my name's Melissa, and I'm five years old.”
Rose: “Blanche, she's seven.”
Dorothy: “No, that works out to be five in Blanche years.”

Blanche: “Honey, the pageant is just a few days away. You can go to that circus any old time. How many years can you enter the Little Miss contest?”
Dorothy: “Evidently, twenty-three.”
Rose: “At least my mother voted for me.”

Dorothy: “Ah, Nurse DeFarge, right on time.”
Nurse DeFarge: “Of course I'm right on time. I'm always on time. You know what happens when a nurse is late? People die.”

Nurse DeFarge: “Popcorn, Ma?”
Sophia: “Oh, no, it gets caught in my teeth.”
Nurse DeFarge: “I tell you what, I'll floss them while you nap.”
Sophia: “You're a good kid.”
Nurse DeFarge: “You want plain floss or mint-flavored?”
Sophia: “Surprise me.”

Blanche: “Dorothy, at 2:00 a. m. this morning, I was entertaining a gentleman caller when she opened the door at the most inopportune time. I could have lost my balance and chipped a tooth.”
Rose: “You think that's annoying? She came into my room last night when I was reenacting the gangplank scene from Peter Pan.”
Dorothy: “What the hell goes on at night in this house?”

Dorothy: “I hate this. I am not good at firing people. I've never been good at confrontations.”
Rose: “How about when you made that cop cry?”
Dorothy: “Then he wasn't much of a cop, was he?”

Rose: “Maybe I better talk to Nurse DeFarge. I think I could handle it with a little more tact.”
Nurse DeFarge: “Ah, good morning, ladies.”
Rose: “Not for you, Nursey-nurse-nurse-nurse.”

Sophia: “You're a good daughter. Take a lesson, Pussycat.”
Nurse: “You're Pussycat, too?”
Dorothy: “I am Pussycat One. YOU are Pussycat Two.”

Melissa: “Grandma, I don't think I can sing in front of all those people out there.”
Blanche: “But of course you can, sweetheart. You're just a little nervous.”
Stage mom: “They always get this way before the talent portion. My Clarisse still gets butterflies before she twirls her fire batons.”
Clarisse: “Fire scares me.”
Stage mom: “But I just remind her that Mommy is right off stage with a big bucket of baking soda, and then she feels better.”
Clarisse: “It scares me a lot.”
Stage mom: “Well, anyway, good luck to you both. Come along, Clarisse.”
Clarisse: “Help me!”

Nurse DeFarge: “Congratulations, Sophia. I am so proud of you. But I suppose this means that my work here is done. But don't you worry about me. As long as there's pain and suffering in the world, I'll be okay.”

Dorothy: “Get back here, you deceitful little Sicilian gecko!!”
Sophia: “I wuv you.”
Dorothy: “Too wittle, too wate.”

Dorothy: “Why did you lie to me?”
Sophia: “Because, for the first time in my life, somebody was paying attention to me, pampering me, and it was nice. Mildred made me feel special, feel loved.”
Dorothy: “But what about the awful way she made the rest of us feel?”
Sophia: “Hey, that was just gravy.”

Dorothy: “Look, Ma, I know I don't pamper you. But the reason I make you do things for yourself, is because I wanna keep you active and vital. The best way to show you I care is to make sure that you, you don't settle into old age.”
Sophia: “So you're saying you make me vacuum and dust and scrape crusty stuff off the tile because you love me??”
Dorothy: “Honestly? It tickles me.”

Critique:
Did anyone else actually want to see Clarisse twirl her fire batons? If I were her I’d probably chuck them at my horrible stage mom (For the record I’d also like to see Rose reenact the gangplank scene from Peter Pan). But I digress. We’re three episodes into Season 7 and this episode has easily been the one with the most restraint so far. Even though I’m sure if Sophia blew herself off the stool she’d break more than her ankles. If she thought her oonie was hurt before... Anyways, watching Sophia and Nurse DeFarge (the endlessly cheery Edie McClurg) “bond” has some truly great moments. Their interactions with the rest of the ladies provide the episode’s biggest laughs. The running joke about Rose and Dorothy competing in their hometowns’ respective Little Miss pageants is a highlight. And even if it seems a bit mean-spirited I love the way Blanche insults all the children backstage at the Little Miss Miami pageant. I love a good takedown of a beauty pageant especially if it consists of children and their crazy parents who force them to compete. Fun fact: Alisan Porter, who plays Blanche’s granddaughter Melissa, as we all know went on to play Curly Sue in the film of the same name. But I bet you didn’t know the movie was released about 3 weeks after this episode first aired. GRADE: A-

Thursday, January 10, 2019

The Case of the Libertine Belle S7E2


Synopsis: The girls take part in a murder mystery weekend and Blanche becomes the prime suspect when she’s accused of killing her boss.

90s Flashback
Dorothy: “Morning, Ma. How'd you sleep?”
Sophia: “Pretty good. I dreamed I was makin’ love to Jay Leno.”
Dorothy: “That's a strange dream for you to have.”
Sophia: “Not really. It was Monday night and he was filling in for Carson.”

Crazy Continuity
Keen observers will notice the dress Gloria wears is the same one Rose wears during the dance marathon and the same dress the woman from the Daughters of the Old South is wearing in “Witness.”
And, in fact, this is the second time Richard Roat, who plays Kendall here, played a dead man on the show: he was also Al Beatty the man who Rose slept with and then died in her bed.

That’s What She Said
Posey McGlinn: “Dorothy Zbornak, you've stuck your nose in for the last time!”

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Spade Marlowe: “Well, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen: the who, how, and why.”
Rose: “Dorothy, that was a real Tour de France!”
Dorothy: “Thank you, thank you, Rose.”

Lewd Ladies
Blanche: “I think I got to him, don't you?”
Dorothy: “Your eyes are as good as rolled back.”

Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: “If I got this job, it would mean going to Europe with him to look for rare paintings and antiques.”
Sophia: “Well, if he has an eye for antiques, you should be a shoo-in.”
Dorothy: “Look who's calling the vase Ming.”

Product Placement
Posey McGlinn: “She rushed up to the room. She tore off her clothes.”
Sophia: “That's Velcro. It just gives the illusion of a tear.”

Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “Oh, come on, pussycat. You figured out that mystery at dinner.”
Dorothy: “Oh Ma, that was a game. This is life!”
Sophia: “Oh, that's right. You've never been good at life.”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “You know, back in Minnesota, I was known as the Sherlock Holmes of St.
Olaf.”
Dorothy: “Figured out which one was Shinola, did you, Rose?”
Rose: “The hard way.”

Best of B.E.D.
Lt Alvarez: “Ms. Devereaux and this dead guy had the only two keys. Forensics say that the cause of death was a stab wound inflicted by a steak knife. We know Ms. Devereaux had steak for dinner. Given these facts, unless somebody has something else, we got enough to make an arrest.”
Blanche: “My, my, Mr. Officer. I do declare, your sweet words could charm the mornin' dew right off the honeysuckle.”
Dorothy: “Blanche, not now.”
Blanche: “If not now, when?”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Dorothy: “Now, girls, remember, look everyone over very carefully. Try to figure out who are the real guests and who are actors pretending to be guests. It'll help when it comes to solving the mysteries.”
Rose: “Okay, Dorothy… if that's your real name.”

Spade Marlowe: “...I am determined, with your help, to solve these crimes and bring the murderer to justice.”
Rose: “Maybe that bloody dagger will lead us to the murder weapon.”
Spade Marlowe: “St. Olaf??”
Rose: “Boy, he is good!”

Spade Marlowe: “Undoubtedly the weapon used to kill Mrs. Forsythe, but obviously her husband was shot.”
Rose: “Then there must be a gun!”
Spade Marlowe: “South side?”
Rose: “Uncanny!”

Vaczy: “He's dead, all right. Steak knife right through the heart.”
Rose: “That must be what killed him.”
Vaczy: “St. Olaf?”
Rose: “It's like I'm wearing a sign.”

Dorothy: “You're not helping, Rose. It's almost as though you believe Blanche is guilty.”
Rose: “Well, she lied about my earrings, and she took them. I mean, deceit, then theft. Isn't murder the next logical step?”
Dorothy: “St. Olaf, right?”

Until the Buffalo Pooped…
Rose: “When do you think the mysteries are gonna start?”
Sophia: “You want a mystery? You shoulda tried the pink dressing at the salad bar… Oh, jeez, the mystery continues.”

From Feud to Food
Blanche: “If they put me in prison, I'll be brave. I can handle it.”
Rose: “Blanche, you don't understand. They'll put you in a women's prison.”
Blanche [gasping]: “Don't let me go, Dorothy! Don't let me go!”
Dorothy: “Honey, you are not going to go because you are not guilty.”
Rose: “I understand you can have anything for your last meal. Just ice cream, if you want.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Sophia: “What the heck. I'll go, too.”
Dorothy: “Yeah, like you had a choice.”

Kendall Nesbit: “I have a feeling we're in for a weekend none of us is going to forget.”
Blanche: “Oh, I do declare, your sweet words could charm the mornin' dew right off of the honeysuckle.”
Dorothy: “That was good, Blanche. Now, do Br'er Rabbit.”

Literary Intelligentsia
Blanche: “Is there any chance I could persuade you girls to join me for a murder-mystery weekend?”
Dorothy: “Blanche, are you kidding? I have read every word Dashiell Hammett and Raymond Chandler ever wrote. Sam Spade and Philip Marlowe have become a part of me. ‘She had more curves than the Monaco Grand Prix and was twice as dangerous. Her jewelry was mute testimony that Charlie Chaplin wasn't the only tramp who hit it big in this town.’”
Sophia: “You do this on first dates, don't you, Dorothy?”

Golden Quotes
Blanche: “I need three more people to get the group rate at the hotel.”
Sophia: “I thought hotels always gave you the group rate.”
Rose: “Yeah, sweetheart, but this is for the whole night.”

Blanche: “Kendall is sitting down with Posey McGlinn! She is my main rival for that assistant's job. Oh, look at the shameless way she's flirtin' with him. Disgustin'!”
Rose: “You flirted with him.”
Blanche: “I'm from the South. Flirting is part of my heritage.”
Rose: “What do you mean?”
Dorothy: “Her mother was a slut too.”

Spade Marlowe: “Ladies and gentlemen, you now have enough clues to solve these murders. Who did it, how and why?”
Rose: “The butler did it!”
Maitre d’: “I'm a maitre d'.”
Rose: “Thank you. The maitre d' did it!”
Man: “Philip did it!”
Woman: “Gloria did it!”
Sophia: “It was Colonel Mustard in the library with the candlestick…. Oh, she says, ‘The butler did it,’ and I'm the idiot??”

Dorothy [standing up]: “PERHAPS… but they are both murderers.”
Sophia: “Sit down, Dorothy. Don't make a fool of yourself.”
Spade Marlowe: “Care to explain?”
Dorothy: “In the first place, it is unlikely that Gloria murdered her father. Statistics show that patricide is overwhelmingly a male crime. Although daughters frequently murder THEIR MOTHERS!!”

Gloria [referring to Dorothy]: “This woman's pathetic!”
Sophia: “Oh, big news. Tear out the front page!”

Posey McGlinn: “That tramp murdered my lover!”
Dorothy: “I know Blanche Devereaux, Lieutenant, and this tramp is incapable of committing murder.”

Dorothy: “I think I see now how it happened. Last evening, at dinner, when Miss McGlinn saw Blanche give Kendall Nesbitt her key, she was furious. She dropped a steak knife into her purse-”
Sophia: “Big deal, I took a whole place setting.”
Dorothy: “NOT NOW MA!”

Blanche: “Damn it, I just hate to be the brunt of jokes.”
Dorothy: “Funny, you don't mind being the brunt of limericks.”
Blanche: “That's different. That's poetry.”

Sophia: “So this was all a mockery, a sham. No crimes were committed at all. What a load of fun. [Trying to pick up her purse] Pussycat, help me carry my purse to the car.”

Critique: Why did almost every sitcom have a murder mystery episode? Golden Girls. Saved by the Bell. Family Matters. The Office. It’s apparently all the rage. Having said that, ask any GG fan and they’ll tell you this is one of the their all time favorite episodes if not their number one. And that’s because it really is one of the flat-out funniest episodes of the entire series… if you’re already a fan of the show. Show it to a newcomer who doesn’t really know the characters and it just sort of falls flat (like the running St. Olaf?? joke). Like I’ve said before, by this point the four actresses were really into the grove, even if Bea Arthur was sort of going through the motions. The jokes relied heavily on knowing the characters inside and out. The episode is a little “inside baseball” if you’ll pardon the metaphor. Oh sorry Rose! But back to the task at hand. Is this not the most freaking quotable GG episode of all time?? It’s almost to the point where the lines are repeated by fans so often (“Not now Ma!” or “Her mother was a slut too”) that they almost aren’t even funny anymore. Just kidding they are. We all know how great this episode is, but the thing I love about it (besides the name POSEY McGLINN) is how utterly ridiculous and preposterous the entire murder plot involving Blanche really is. For instance, the detective assumes that Blanche must of killed Kendall because the murder weapon was a steak knife and she had stake for dinner. As if she couldn’t have stabbed someone to death if she didn’t have steak? And who questions murder suspects in front of a room full of people? And at what point exactly did Rose spray Sophia’s mirror with defogger? And most importantly what WAS the pink salad dressing at dinner?? GRADE: A