Friday, February 19, 2021

A Midwinter Night’s Dream S7E20 & 21

Synopsis: Blanche hosts a “Moonlight Madness” party and everyone is particularly horny; Rose and Miles decide to get married but Dorothy and Miles kiss, Sophia must break a Sicilian witch’s curse. 

90s Flashback

Rose: “Oh I don’t enter this for the prizes. I do it for the thrill of winning. The rush of adrenaline, when you realize that you grappled Madame Chance and flung her bloodied and beaten to the mat. And just when you think she’s dead she gets up again and you have to give one of those Van Damme moves to the jaw-”

Crazy Continuity

In a rare bit of actual continuity, Miles insists to Rose that he’s not being cheap with money again. We all know he was frickin’ frugal in the Season 7 episode “Ro$e Love$ Mile$

St. Olaf Vocab

Rose: “Herring balls?”

Dorothy: “I’m sorry Rose. I’m just sorry.”

Rose: “Oh that’s alright Dorothy, not everybody likes them.”

Animal Alert

Rose: “Come on, Dreyfuss. You're always the last one to leave a party. [Dreyfuss barks] What's that? Timmy needs help? I know. You always hate it when I do that.”

Shady Pines, Ma

Sophia: “You know what kills me, the year you locked me up at Shady Pines, she roamed around free.”

Dorothy: “Look, I'm sorry, Ma, I don't like to keep secrets.” 

Sophia: “Oh, like when you kept the secret you were taking me to Shady Pines?” 

Dorothy: “Ma, I swear I didn't sleep more than seven hours that night.”

Brooklyn: A Fairyland

Sophia: “Leap year? Full moon? Oh my god, the curse!”

Dorothy: “Ma, it’s the 90s you can call it what it is. Our monthly visitor.”

Sophia: “No, the curse of the strega. It was a curse laid on you by Lena Pascerelli, our village witch.”

Dorothy: “What village? I was born in Brooklyn.”

Sophia: “Here’s a newsflash, witches can fly.”

Dorothy: “Why did she curse me?”

Sophia: “I don’t know, maybe because you gave her the cold that eventually killed her. The point is, on her deathbed she laid a curse on you. ‘Beware the leap year’s full moon.’”

Dorothy: “That’s it, that’s the curse?”

Sophia: “What did you expect, poetry? The woman was on her deathbed, give her a break. So now there are three tasks I must perform before tomorrow’s moonrise. Or you are doomed.”

Dorothy: “And the three tasks are?”

Sophia: “Kiss a fool, help a holy man, reveal betrayal of a loved one.”

Zbornak Zingers

Rose: “Girls I did it again, I won another giveaway!”

Dorothy: “Oh what did you win this time a vasectomy?”

Insult Watch

Sophia: “Barbara, you’ve always been like a daughter to me Barbara.”

Carol: “I’m Carol.”

Sophia: “Oh yeah, the whiny one.”

Sophia: “Don't try to stop me, Dorothy. This curse is bigger than both of us. Well, bigger than me.”

Sassy Sophia

Blanche: “Dorothy would you please check my list and see if I forgot to invite anybody to my moonlight madness party?”

Dorothy: “Sure…. The women. You invited twelve men and no women.”

Blanche: “Now Dorothy, I know what you’re thinking, but Rose and Sophia are coming you’ll have somebody to talk to.”

Sophia: “No fair I had to talk to her the last time!”

Sophia: “Maybe the paperboy is right. I'm just a mean old lady.”

Back in St. Olaf

Rose: “I’m gonna have an old-fashioned St. Olaf wedding. Dorothy, you’re my best friend, will you be my maid of honor?”

Dorothy: “Oh Rose I… wait a minute I wont have to wear horns or one of those metal brassieres will I?”

Rose: “Oh, no Dorothy. I’m the one that’s getting married.”

Dorothy: “Then I’d love to.”

Best of B.E.D.

Blanche: “Well, you know this necklace is a priceless heirloom. It belonged to my Grammy. I’ve only worn it three times in my whole life, and each occasion marked the beginning of a passionate romance. And tonight, I’ve decided to wear it with clothes.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose

Dorothy: “What did you win?”

Rose: “A free prostate check. Who’s stupid now?”

Dorothy: “You are.”

Rose: “Yeah. Stupid all the way to the bank.”

Rose: “A tossed salad can outwit me? Will someone please tell me what that's supposed to mean?”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal

Dorothy: “Oh come on Ma, that’s superstitious nonsense. You know, step on a crack break your mother’s back it doesn't work. I know. I tried.”

Dorothy: “Oh this is just crazy and wonderful and calls for a toast. To Miles and Rose! And poor, lonely Blanche.”

Dorothy: “Rose is a wonderful woman, she’s so loving and caring. Alright so she’s not perfect. So she has a few faults.”

Miles: “Like what?”

Dorothy: “SHE’S MADDENING! St. Olaf stories, sock puppets. And she’s so cheerful in the morning that you just wanna take your grapefruit and shove it in her face. Hard. As hard as she can stand it.”

Miles: “Boy, I’d like to see who was runner-up for maid of honor.”

Literary Intelligentsia

Sophia: “Technically Rose isn’t a fool. She’s a simpleton.”

Blanche: “Whats the difference?”

Sophia: “How can I explain it. Fools read ‘Dear Abby.’ Simpletons read ‘Ann Landers.’ It’s a fine line.”

Dorothy: “You’re crazy and wonderful the way you should be. It’s like Puck says in A Midsummer Night’s Dream when it comes to love: ‘Lord, what fools these morals be.’”

Dorothy: “What a night. Doesn't it feel as though we just woke from a dream? You know, it really has been like Shakespeare, with magic and moonlight and the wrong people falling in love. I mean, what does Puck say in the last speech from A Midsummer Night's Dream? ‘If we shadows have offended, Think but this, and all is mended, That you have but slumbered here While these visions did appear. And this weak and idle theme, No more yielding but a dream.’”

Sophia: “Well, pardon me while I play the grand piano.”

Reel References

Sophia: “I havent been hit on like this since I stopped hanging out at the midnight show of Harold & Maude.”

Blanche: “You mean men are coming onto you?”

Sophia: “Yeah, one guy told me he thought wrinkles were sexy. I took him out to the garage where he could see me under the fluorescents.” 

Dorothy: “It was just a little kiss.”

Sophia: “Little kiss? I haven't seen that kind of face eating since Silence of the Lambs.”

Golden Quotes

Blanche: “Dorothy, tonight’s a full moon. A night when men’s passions, like the tides, are pulled to their highest achingly unbearable peak. 

Dorothy: “Oh come on Blanche, you really think a full moon can do all that.”

Blanche: “Well just in case, I’m also filling a watermelon with tequila. But it’s not just a full moon, Dorothy, it’s a leap year’s full moon. Anything can happen. All your dreams can come true if you just believe. All you have to do is believe.”

Dorothy: “Oh I do believe! I do believe in sluts!” 

Blanche: “Dorothy, do you think this necklace complements my bosom?”

Dorothy: “Blanche, if that necklace could cheer, I’m sure it would.”

Rose: “I think I’ll just go to my room, take a couple of aspirin, turn out the lights, and... wait for the voices.”

Sophia: “Dorothy has her own allure. She’s confident. Men are attracted to a confident woman. Oh God I can never keep a straight face!”

Rose: “Actually, I’ve very tired. I dreamed all last night that I was a car muffler. And when I woke up this morning I was exhausted! Hahahaha!”

Blanche: “Look Carol, now I’m gonna be honest here. I took great pains with this guest list, and frankly there’s room here for only one young attractive female.”

Carol: “Ooo, then I just got in under the wire.”

Miles: “Boy look at that great shining orb. You know it’s hard to believe it’s been hanging there for millions of years long before man even came to be. It controls the tides, affects the weather. Without the moon the earth would be a barren, stagnant uninhabitable planet, Rose. It gives life, Rose.”

Rose: “It’s a big rock you know?”

Rose: “You know where I wanna go?”

Miles: “Where?”

Rose: “Paris.”

Miles: “Rose! You know what roundtrip bus tickets to Paris, Texas costs??”

Rabbi: “A blessing for the couple!”

Dorothy: “You invited a rabbi to a moonlight madness party?”

Rabbi: “May God bless and – OY!” 

Sophia: “Oh look a holy man in need of help. Let me help you oh holy man.”

Sophia [seeing Dorothy and Miles kissing]: “Hello, Judas.”

Sophia: “I've worked my butt off for you. I kissed a fool, I helped a holy man, and I witnessed the betrayal of a loved one. That's a lot of work for a woman who nods off all day on the couch.”

Sophia: “I'm doing this for your own good.” 

Dorothy: “For my own good? The last time you said that you volunteered me for psychological experiments.” 

Sophia: “Hey, the pay was good. And to this day nobody, nobody can make it through a maze faster than you can.” 

Rose: “Dorothy, where's the cheese?”

Dorothy: “Right turn, left turn, right turn. Must find the cheese. Must find the cheese.”

Dorothy: “Uh, let's say that uh you make Miles a batch of your delicious creamy cupcakes. And he loves them so much that he wants you to make them all the time.” 

Rose: “Miles does have a sweet tooth.” 

Dorothy: “But let's say that even though he loves your cupcakes more than life itself, one day he decides to try somebody else's cupcakes. For lack of a better example, let's say, my cupcakes. And I, in a mad, passionate moment, uh, forget myself and let him try my cupcakes. How would that make you feel?” 

Rose: “I'd like to think I'd understand.”

Rose: “I'm sorry. It's just the idea of Miles wanting to try your cupcakes.” 

Dorothy: “Why is that funny?” 

Rose: “No offense, Dorothy, but your cupcakes are dry and tasteless. Nobody ever likes your cupcakes. 

Dorothy: “My cupcakes are moist and delicious. Men love my cupcakes.”

Rose: “Get a clue, Dorothy. Men would rather pay for cupcakes.” 

Dorothy: “Let me tell you something, you Swedish meatball, I've... wait, wait a minute. You're actually talking about cupcakes, aren't you?” 

Rose: “You bet I'm talking about cupcakes. What are you talking about? Wait a minute. Have you and Miles been baking together??”

Blanche: “Oh, Dorothy, it's finally happened. I have met the man of my dreams. My reason for livin'. My soul mate. Oh, Dorothy, I feel as if I've known him for all eternity. 

Dorothy: “Oh, honey, what is his name? 

Blanche: “Derek, somethin'. Oh, Dorothy, he's so classy. He's English. You know what that means? 

Dorothy: “You've completed your ‘Men of Western Europe’ collection.”

Blanche: “Oh, please, God, let him get caught. Let him go to jail. Let him rot and die in some filthy cell with the rats gnawin' at his eyes.”

Dorothy: “You know, when you pray, the kitchen almost becomes a chapel.”

Sophia: “I saw Dorothy and Miles kissing. I said, I saw Dorothy, your friend, and Miles, your fiance, kissing. Hello? Dorothy. Miles. Lips aflame. They were kissing.”

Rose: “And?” 

Sophia: “And she's pregnant with his love child. What do you mean, ‘And??’”

Derek: “Rose, has anyone ever told you your eyes are as blue as the Mediterranean in summer?” Rose: “No. I've been warned if I cross them, they'll stay that way.”

Rose: “Miles, maybe you did it because you're just a little nervous about us getting married.” Miles: “Well, I am a little.”

Rose: “Well, that's because we're rushing into it for some free honeymoon. Not because we're ready. And, Dorothy, maybe subconsciously, you were trying to block my marriage because you like me living here.”

Dorothy: “Okay.”

Rose: “And, Sophia, maybe you wanted to tell me about Miles and Dorothy kissing because you're just a mean old woman like the paperboy said.”

Sophia: “Okay.”


Anyone else wonder what was on the dirty note Dorothy got from that guy at the party? Probably  something approaching the level of 7b, though we’ll never know. But I digress. I have to mention first that Miles, as far as I can tell, is the closest character to ever say the title of the show’s theme song when he tells Dorothy “I wanna thank you for being a good friend.” But anyways, I’d like to think that those 90s teen movies that found inspiration from the works of Shakespeare and other classic literature (ie Clueless, 10 Things I Hate About You, etc) actually exist because of this episode which is obviously an ode to A Midsummer Night’s Dream (Dorothy literally quotes it twice, not thrice). This is a pretty classic final season episode of The Golden Girls as it was part of an NBC Saturday night “Full Moon Over Miami” crossover event with Empty Nest and Nurses (which is why we get appearances from Carol, Barbara AND Dreyfuss). The episode doesn’t reach the hilarity of say, “The Case of Libertine Belle” (or even the other crossover episode “The Monkey Show”) but what episode could really? This is the episode with the notorious exchange between Rose and Dorothy about whether Dorothy’s cupcakes are dry and tasteless or moist and delicious (I’m sure they’re a bit of both). Rose’s competitive, angry personality comes to a head when she literally breaks a coffee mug with her bare hand. It’s utterly ridiculous in a perfect Season 7 way. And a random observation: we get to hear Dorothy’s odd pronunciation of the word “PRO-cess” in the second part of the episode. In conclusion, I enjoy the wackiness of this episode even if it all feels a bit stretched a bit thin. But there are some pretty good lines here and fun bits of physical comedy. I could watch Sophia trip that rabbi over and over again and never get sick of it. Every performance here is at an 11 and this episode could only ever exist in the bizarro world of Season 7.  GRADE: B+


Thursday, February 4, 2021

Journey to the Center of Attention S7E19

Synopsis: Blanche becomes jealous of Dorothy when she gets all the attention at the Rusty Anchor; Sophia decides to throw her own wake.

80s Flashback
Blanche: “Oh, everybody, here's Myrtle! Oh, Myrtle, thank goodness you got here. You're just the person we need to liven up this party. Do some of those impressions you're so good at.”
Myrtle: “Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!”
Blanche: “Jimmy Swaggart, right? That's just wonderful. Do another one.”
Myrtle: “The last time I saw her she was fine. I didn't even know she was sick. What happened?”
Blanche: “Wait, don't tell me. Uh, Claus von Bulow??”

Musical Moments
Guy at piano: “You sing, don't you?” 
Dorothy: “A little.” 
Guy at piano: “Great. Uh, how about some Irving Berlin? Blue Skies? Always?” 
Dorothy: “Maybe, maybe some other time.”
Guy at piano: “What'll I Do?” 
Dorothy: “D flat is good for me. What'll I do?/...away/And I am blue/What'll I do?/What'll I do/When I am wondering/Who is kissing you/What'll I do?/What'll I do/With just a photograph/To tell my troubles to?/When I'm alone/With only dreams of you/That won't come true/What'll I do?…What'll I do/With just a photograph/To tell my troubles to?/When I'm alone/With only dreams of you/That won't come true/What'll I do?

Dorothy: “They call her hard-hearted Hannah/The vamp of Savannah/Meanest gal in town/Now, leather is tough/But Hannah's heart is tougher/She's a gal who likes to see men suffer.”
Bartender: “What's the matter, Blanche? You seem upset. Is anything wrong?”
Blanche: “Oh, no. No big deal. Just one little thing. I feel like I've died and gone to hell.”
Dorothy: “She's hard-hearted Hannah/The vamp of Savannah, GA!

Blanche: “Boys, I have a little surprise for you.” 
Man at bar: “Yeah, yeah, we know. You're not wearing a bra.”
Blanche: “No. No, I'm gonna saaaang. For all my special friends here at the Rusty Anchor. This one’s for you. Hit it Ron. I wanna be loved by you/Just you/And nobody else but you/I wanna be loved by you/Alone/Boop-boop-ba-doo/I wanna be kissed by you, just you/And nobody else but you/I wanna be kissed by you/Alone/I couldn't aspire/To anything higher/Than your desire/To make you my own/Ba-bop-bee-da boop-boop-dee-doo/I wanna be loved by you/Just you/And nobody else but you/I wanna be loved by you/Alone/Boop-boop-a-doop! Hi, handsome. What's your name?” 
Guy at piano: “His name's Don, and he just had hip surgery.”
Blanche: “Well, hello, big boy. Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? I wanna be loved by you/Just you and nobody else but you/I wanna be loved by you...”

St. Olaf Vocab
Rose: “Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you took several of my tasty, delicious, lutefisk puffs and you've hardly touched them.”
Woman at wake: “Uh, I just don't care for them.”
Rose: “Yeah, well, that's an ugly hat.”

Insult Watch
Blanche: “I cannot watch you spend one more night like this. You're coming with me to the Rusty Anchor.” 
Dorothy: “Oh, Blanche, I told you, I am so uncomfortable with strangers.”
Blanche: “Now, now, don't blame yourself. They're just as uncomfortable with you.”

Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “I don't believe it. My Dorothy is popular. After 60 years of bargaining with God, it's finally happened. Per our agreement, I'm off to Calcutta to work with the poor.”

Best of B.E.D.
Guy at bar: “Hey, Blanche. How's life?” 
Blanche: “Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearin' no underwear!”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Blanche: “Rose, listen, I want you to think now, very carefully. When you sent out those invitations, you did remember to tell everyone Sophia's really alive, didn't you?” 
Rose: “Blanche, I'm offended. How dumb do you think I am? I put it... I made the freaking hors d'oeuvres. Leave me alone.”

Sophia: “Rose, you forgot to tell these people I was alive, didn't you?” 
Rose: “And I made the freaking punch, and I made the freaking decorations.”

From Feud to Food
“I even know a way we can save some money. I'll make the hors d'oeuvres.”
“Some wake. Scandinavian crap on a cracker. I mean, thank you.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Blanche: “I have a little exercise I do whenever my self-esteem's kind of low. I say my name and then I list three positive things about myself. ‘I'm Blanche Devereaux. I'm beautiful, men find me desirable, and people want to be my friend.’ Go on now, you try.”
Dorothy: “I'm Dorothy Zbornak. I'm beautiful, men find me desirable, and people wanna be my friend.” 
Blanche: “I'm sorry I confused you, honey. You're supposed to say three positive things that apply to you. You know, like you could say, ‘I'm Dorothy Zbornak. I'm a good speller, and I'm,uh I'm very prompt and, um...’ Well, actually, there's... there's no law that says there has to be three.”
Dorothy: “Actually, I just thought of a third one: I can snap a friend's neck like a twig.”

Reel References
Bartender: “Hey, Dorothy, what's your pleasure?” 
Dorothy: “Claude Akins on a waterbed.”

The Boob Tube
Blanche: “Dorothy, what are you doing?”
Dorothy: “I'm watching Amazing Discoveries. Look at that. The thing just shucks the corn off the cob. It just shucks it off.”

Golden Quotes
Rose: “Oh, girls, we just went to Doug Kirkpatrick's wake. It was the greatest!”
Sophia: “I can't remember when I had so much fun. Those Irishmen. They even laid out Doug's body in the living room.”
Blanche: “Oh, that sounds morbid.”
Rose: “I didn't have a problem with it till one of the relatives got drunk and started slow dancing with the corpse. But even then it was surprisingly touching.”
Blanche: “And speaking of being touched, it's nickel beer night at the Rusty Anchor. I'm gonna get my purse, you get changed, 'cause we're goin'.
Dorothy: “Oh, Blanche, what if no one there wants to talk to me? What if nobody asks me to dance?”
Blanche: “Now, Dorothy, think, if there's somebody out there who is willin' to dance with a corpse, there's somebody willin' to dance with you!”

Bar patron: “Your friend's pretty good.”
Blanche: “Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not wearing a bra.”

Sophia: “Dorothy, how would you like to go to a wake next Friday?” 
Dorothy: “Ma, you know how I feel about those things. They're so sad and depressing. Whose wake is it anyway?” 
Sophia: “Mine.” 
Dorothy: “What time?”

Rose: “No, she's serious. Next Friday Sophia's gonna throw her own wake. Food, drinks, music. The only difference will be she'll be alive. God willing.”

Dorothy: “Oh, come on, come on. Boys, boys, boys! I am woman enough for all of you.”
Blanche: “This is the point in my dream where I usually wake up screamin'.”

Blanche: “And the good news is that Sophia's still with us. So, now you have the chance to tell her how you really feel about her.”
Myrtle: “I'll go first. Sophia, I drove 30 miles and missed a day of work just to be here. I think it's very selfish of you not to be dead.”
Eva: “And I missed... Well, actually, I didn't have anything planned for today, but I'm still p.o.'d.”

Sophia: “But I still wish my wake hadn't been such a disaster.” 
Rose: “Well, look on the bright side. You'll have another one.”

Blanche: “I just have to keep reminding myself, I am Blanche Devereaux. I am beautiful, men find me desirable, and my life is over.”
Rose: “Boy, when the mask falls off, it really makes a thud.”

Rose, picking up microphone: “Two Jews, an Arab, and a priest walk into a bar...”

Dorothy: “Why don't we share? Let's just be sure that we both don't show up on the same night.” 
Blanche: “You mean, like I would come three nights a week, and you come three?” 
Dorothy: “Right. Oh, wait a minute. What about Sunday?” 
Blanche: “Oh, you don't wanna come on a Sunday, Dorothy. The men have been watching football all day long. They're drunk and rowdy...”
Dorothy: “Yeah, you want Sundays, don't you?” 
Blanche: “Pllllease!”

Blanche: “Dorothy, are you ever jealous of me?” 
Dorothy: “Every day of my life. Blanche, why don't we go out there and do a duet?” 
Blanche: “Do you know Cry Me A River?” 
Dorothy: “Uh, no, I don't.” 
Blanche: “Good. We'll do that one.”

Watching this episode in the time of Covid makes me realize how creepy and gross bars truly are. We have pretty much been Dorothy on the couch in the opening of this episode for almost a year now right? But there is something just comforting about getting under the blanket and watching dumb shows (my current obsession is Food Network’s Worst Cooks in America, but I digress). “Journey to the Center of Attention” is great because we finally get a glimpse into the infamous Rusty Anchor bar.  And all I can say is, why would anyone go anywhere with “rusty” in its name without underwear? I guess that’s one for the theologians. I love an episode when the girls get to sing and we get Dorothy’s rendition of “What’ll I Do” and “Hard-Hearted Hannah” and Blanche’s notorious misfire of “I Wanna Be Loved By You.” Rue’s physical comedy timing is brilliant here. And can I just say as a huge fan of spoof movies, I absolutely love the Airplane!-like gag that involves a gun in a guy’s pocket. Meanwhile the B story about Sophia throwing her own wake is full of dark humor as every guest at the wake thinks Sophia is actually dead. And of course they do. IT’S A FREAKING WAKE. Why the girls continue to ask Rose to take on so much responsibility is beyond me. This storyline is pretty silly but rather grounded considering what other season seven plots have included. It is funny watching everyone faint when Sophia comes strolling out. But who sends out invitations to a wake? And who doesn’t look for an obituary? Anyways. Speaking of Airplane!, the lady at Sophia’s wake who had nothing else to do but is still p.o.’d is Ann Nelson who played the hanging lady in that classic comedy and is one of several cast members of that film who have appeared on the show.  GRADE: A-


Friday, June 5, 2020

Ebbtide VI The Wrath of Stan S7E18

Synopsis: Associate producer Rose unwittingly exposes Stan and Dorothy as slumlords when the apartment building they own is overrun with bugs; Sophia needs a new pair of shoes.

90s Flashback
Stan: “You know Dorothy, in some ways we’re lucky. How many people get locked up with someone they’re attracted to?”
Dorothy: “I don’t know, the name Marion Barry comes to mind.”

Crazy Continuity
In a rare bit of actual continuity, Dorothy asks about Stan’s lawyer Marvin Mitchelson, who was Stan’s lawyer in “There Goes the Bride Part 2” (and a real celebrity attorney who died in 2004) and Dorothy thinks about “shacking up with Stan” again.

Let’s Get Political
Dorothy: “You know what I hate about Sweeps Week? The news. It’s sex, sex, sex. Why can’t they do serious stories, stories with political relevance?”
Blanche: “Yes, like, sex in the new Russia, is it worth standing in line for?”
Rose: “Well I’ve been working on a whole list of ideas that have nothing to do with sex, but they keep turning me down.”
Dorothy: “Oh like what?”
Rose: “Well things I think people would be interested in. Like, Who’s in charge of cheese? Or, Lincoln, great statesman or gas guzzler?”
Dorothy: “Idiots in position of power.”
Rose: “Good one!”

Shady Pines, Ma
Assistant D.A. Peterson: “In your own words, Mrs. Petrillo – the words of a beautiful, dignified person who’s got a wild bod for a chick her age – what kind of person is your daughter?”
Sophia: “She put me in a home.”

Lewd Ladies
Angelo: “Is Dorothy here?”
Rose: “No, she went with Sophia to get shoes.”
Angelo: “She hates taking Sophia for shoes.”
Rose: “I know, but Dorothy decided to go when Sophia and Blanche started talking about whether or not Sophia should put on underwear. They said it’d be fun to scare the hell outta the shoe salesman.”

Picture It
Dorothy: “Ma, you wear those shoes, because they’re the only shoes you say you can wear. Whenever we get you other shoes, you say they’re uncomfortable.”
Sophia: “I’m cursed with these square feet. When I was a girl in Sicily we were too poor for shoes, so I wore olive oil cans.”

Zbornak Zingers
Rose: “Miami’s sordid sex scene, who’s to blame?”
Dorothy, pointing to Blanche: “That’s her, she’s the one!”

Insult Watch
Sophia: “My god Dorothy, did you see all the reporters out there?”
Dorothy: “I know, this is becoming a media circus.”
Sophia: “And they really hate you. ‘The Big Bug Lady’ they call you. You deserve a better nickname. I dunno something like ‘Big Mean Landlady’ or ‘Big Mean Dorothy,’ something with ‘Big Mean.’”
Blanche: “Dorothy, I am so excited. I just go interviewed. They asked me if you were clean at home. I said, ‘Well you won’t find any crumbs in her bed, you won’t find anything in her bed.”

Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “Dorothy, don’t worry! We’ll have you outta jail in no time. I’ll get the best attorney social security can buy!”

Best of B.E.D.
Rose: “Now that I’m associate producer of Wake Up Miami, I have to come up with topical show ideas for Sweeps Week. I need something that’ll give us really big ratings.”
Blanche: “And I will have you know there is nothing sordid about my sex life. Nothing! Oh great, now I’m depressed.”

Blanche: “Dorothy, tonight I’m gonna be out front in a laundry truck.”
Dorothy: “Gotcha. So...”
Blanche: “If you hear screaming don’t call the cops.”

From Feud to Food
Sophia: “Don’t worry Pussycat we won’t rest until we get you outta here.”
Dorothy: “Thanks Ma.”
Sophia: “Who wants Chinese, I got her credit card! I got her credit card!”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Rose: “Good luck Dorothy. I’ll miss you. I love you.”
Dorothy: “Someday sweetheart, I’m going to get out of his hellhole and I’m going to come looking for you...”
Rose: “Dont spend all of your time in prison hating me Dorothy, learn a trade!”

Stan: “I’m going stir crazy. There’s no way out. No way out.”
Dorothy: “Stanley, they let you keep your belt and shoelaces. Think about that.”

Reel References
Dorothy: “Hi Ma.”
Sophia: “My God, did you bust out? Don’t worry, I know what to do. We’ll get you a phony license and birth certificate. I know a good plastic surgeon by tomorrow morning you could be Raul Julia.”

Golden Quotes
Sophia: “Pussycat, what’s short, wrinkly and sticks outta my shoes?”
Dorothy: “You.”

Blanche: “You know, Dorothy I think you’re being too hard on her. I know how difficult buying shoes can be. Sometimes you get yourself a really good-looking salesman, and you try to pretend you don’t notice his hands caressing your calf as he tries to keep his mind on shoes, but all the time he’s thinking ‘Dare I peek? Dare I look more? Dare I look where no eyes have looked before?’ Then as he kneels there before you, little beads of perspiration breakin’ out on his forehead, his breath comin’ shorter and quicker. He, ever so gently, slips the supple leather on your quivering foot. And you achieve a perfect fit. Come on old woman, we need shoes now!!”

Rose: “Angelo, take me to your apartment.”
Uncle Angelo: “Bugs’a make you hot? We got big ones and millions of them.”

Dorothy: “I never wanna go through that again.”
Blanche: “At least we got the shoes.”
Sophia: “And the balloon, and you didn’t have to pay extra.”
Dorothy: “I just had to swear that I would never take you back again.”
Sophia: “Slimshack makes you swear that every year.”
Dorothy, holding up a bandaged finger: “In blood?”

Blanche: “Sophia, there’s something I don’t understand. Now you’re always a bit ornery, unpleasant, impolite, even downright mean, that’s part of your charm.”
Sophia: “Thank you, you bed-hopping relic.”
[Blanche pops Sophia’s balloon]
Blanche: “The point, I’m trying to make is your behaviour in this shoe thing is extreme, even for you. What is goin’ on?”
Sophia: “Well, Dorothy always makes me buy the same old-lady shoes, I never get anything new and exciting. It’s just another reminder of what old age takes away from you. First husbands, then cute shoes, what’s old age gonna take away from me next. Hey! Where’s my balloon??”

Rose: “My boss said he wanted to expose Angelo’s landlord for making him live under those terrible conditions, but Angelo wouldn’t give us his name.”
Sophia: “A Sicilian never squeals, never. Did you offer him money?”
Rose: “No!”
Sophia: “Never. He wouldn’t!”

Rose: “I’m not gonna rest, I’m not gonna sleep, I’m not gonna eat until I track that scum down.”
Dorothy: “Rose, I’m the scum.”

Rose: “Dorothy, isn’t this something? You’ve become what we in the news business call ‘a hot story.’”
Dorothy: “And you’ve become what we call in the revenge business, next.”

Stan: “Believe me she’s very bright, we were the only two in the bar who got the jokes on the cocktail napkins. Dorothy, I want you to meet our attorney Tracy. Tracy, this is Dorothy.”
Tracy: “Hi-dee-ho!!”
Dorothy: “Hi-dee-ho.”

Dorothy: “Uh, where did you go to law school?”
Tracy: “A whole bunch of places.”

Dorothy: “Wait a minute, you want me to live with him in the same apartment?”
Judge: “That’s right.”
Dorothy: “But there are bugs there, and they’ll think Stan is their leader!”

Dorothy: “For the last time, I am not getting you an electric golf cart, and that’s that!”
Sophia: “Hello, Wake Up Miami? The Big Mean Bug Lady - she’s at it again.”

Critique: Hi-dee-ho! Ok, so I don’t pretend to be an expert in the judicial system, but this has to be one of the weirdest plotted episode thus far. Dorothy is arrested for being a slumlord, WHILE THE NEWS STORY IS PLAYING OUT ON TV. It turns into a media frenzy and they have the most random “trial” I’ve ever seen, with witness accounts, that ends with the judge giving Stan and Dorothy the most bizarre sentence: to live in their own bug-infested building. I have so many questions? Is there a guard making sure they don’t escape? How was Stan able to run out and buy flowers and wine for Dorothy? Did Dorothy ever let him back in? And why did Blanche hook up with a guy in a laundry truck if she didn’t even want to date a pharmacist? Let’s be honest, this episode is all about Blanche popping Sophia’s shoe store balloon; it has become one of the most randomly memorable gags in the entire series (and one of the most popular gifs for birthday wishes on Facebook). Blanche’s horny shoe monologue is as legendary as it is dated. When was the last time you actually had help from a salesman when buying shoes? Speaking of shoes, how dark is Dorothy’s belt and shoelaces comment? But I digress. Yes this another one of those wacky season 7 episodes that really shows how much the writers were struggling to come up with good, meaningful story ideas, but I appreciate they’re strange go-for-broke attempt as well as the actual continuity here: let’s remember that Dorothy and Stan inherited that building way back in Season 6. This is also Uncle Angelo’s final appearance on the show. We’re getting to the end folks! GRADE: B

Friday, March 20, 2020

Questions & Answers S7E17

Synopsis: Dorothy applies to be on her favorite show Jeopardy! Meanwhile, Rose brings her newly adopted dog Jake to the hospital to cheer up elderly patients. Wowee!

Crazy Continuity
Rose says here her family had a cat named Scruffy. For someone who’s “never had cats cause she’s allergic” she’s certainly owned a lot of them.

Let’s Get Political
Rose: “Isn’t this dog amazing. He can find anything.”
Sophia: “Anything?? A viable Democrat for president! Go!”

That’s What She Said
Blanche: “Hey. I’ll show you mind if you show me yours.”

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Dorothy [dreaming]: “I won! I won! I won!”
Sophia: “She must be having the shot-put dream again.”

Animal Alert
Mr. Hubbard: “Grace loves animals, always has.
Rose: “Well everybody does Mr. Hubbard. That’s why ancient man, when he discovered the need for pets, turned to the animal kingdom.”
Mr. Hubbard: “I see.”
Mrs. Hubbard: “What a good boy. Yes you are!”
Rose: “Oh he reminds me of my old dog Rusty.”
Mr. Hubbard: “Rose, please, Grace isn’t feeling well. Can we skip the Rusty story today?”

Zbornak Zingers
Blanche [running after Jake]: “Hey! That slipper is from the Mamie Van Doren Collection!”
Dorothy: “Will you look at that. Man’s best friend… chasing man’s best friend.”

Insult Watch
Dorothy: “It’s been two days, why haven’t those Jeopardy people called??”
Blanche: “Dorothy, I’m surprised at this reaction. God knows you’ve had your share of experience sittin’ by a phone that doesn’t ring.”

Product Placement
Blanche, whispering: “Dorothy, where are the Ural Mountains?”
Dorothy: “Well well well, Blanche. A pot of lip gloss and a tube of Maybelline can’t help you now can they, Blanche?”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “Oh I love you already. In fact I haven’t felt this way about a dog since… since Rusty.”
Dorothy: “Oh God not the Rusty story again!”
Rose: “Charlie brought him home as a present after our first child was born.”
Blanche: “Oh I wish we had a doggy door so I could push your head through it.”
Rose: “Oh he was the best. Trustworthy, loyal, smart as a whip. Oh I thought Rusty was going to be with our family forever.”
Sophia: “Dorothy, do we have any candles? I’d like to drip some hot wax in my ears.”
Rose: “Then one horrible horrible night our house caught on fire. And it was Rusty who awkened everybody. It was Rusty who pulled us all to safety. He even dashed back in the burning building to rescue Scruffy our cat...”
All: “Whom he never really liked.”
Rose: “Yes sir, he was a real hero. Oh, if only he hadn’t gone back in for the TV. He was a dachshund for god’s sake, I mean what made him think he could carry a TV?”
Sophia: “You know how pig-headed the Germans are.”

Best of B.E.D.
Dorothy: “What are you talking about Blanche, you’ve never cared about Jeopardy.”
Blanche: “No but I do care for Alex Trebek. You see, I’ve never had a Canadian who wasn’t on skates.”
Dorothy: “I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”
Blanche: “I have this recurring fantasy: Take me Alex, take me now. I tell him. And he says to me, not uh uh, Blanche, in the form of a question.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Blanche: “We wanted to pick up your spirits Rose, so close your eyes. Close your eyes.”
[Dorothy brings in a dog, who promptly licks Rose’s face]
Rose: “Oh very funny Blanche, just give me the gift.”

What, We Can't Learn From History?
Sophia: “Yes Pussycat, Jeopardy is your favorite show.”
Dorothy: “I watch it every night.”
Blanche: “We know, we missed the entire Gulf War.”

From Feud to Food
Rose: “Uh, Gum for two hundred.”
Alex Trebek: “The answer is: Latin term for a colloidal carbohydrate found in certain trees and plants?”
Rose: “What is Juicy Fruit?”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Rose: “Wow, what a tough day, I really need somebody to talk to.”
Dorothy: “Gotta go!”

[phone rings]
Dorothy: “Hello? Yes this is she. Oh my God, it’s them, it’s Jeopardy! I did? Oh, this is wonderful. Yeah wonderful! What? Yes, yes she’s my, she’s my roommate. Oh that is fabulous news too. Oh sure, sure I’ll be happy to tell her. Blanche, YOU FLUNKED.”

Reel References
Alex Trebek: “Loretta Young played an innocent milkmaid in this Oscar-winning 1947 film. Charlie?”
Charlie: “What is The Farmer’s Daughter?”
Alex Trebek: “You are right.”
Charlie: “I thought it was a different kind of movie.”

Alex Trebek: “The answer: Old Yeller. The China Syndrome. Truth or Dare. Charlie?”
Charlie: “What are Miss July’s all-time favorite films?”

The Boob Tube
Dorothy: “Everybody, listen to this. Alex Trebek and the Jeopardy people are auditioning contestants in Miami. They’re coming here. Jeopardy! Oh! It’s my favorite show! Wowee!”

Golden Quotes
Rose: “It’s not easy spending that much time with people who are old and sick a frail.”
Sophia: “Oh that reminds me, I’ve got Mah Jong tomorrow.”

Rose: “I’m sorry I won’t be able to quiz you, Jake and I are due at the Hubbards. But I have a book here that should help you prepare you for your Jeopardy tryout.”
Dorothy: “The St. Olaf High School Yearbook? No. Thanks anyway, Rose. I don’t think I’ll be needing it.”
Rose: “Well ok, Miss Know-It-All, but if Alex Trebek asks you what years Ulf Horvald was on the student council back-to-back, don’t come crying to me.”
Dorothy: “1946 and 47. I intend to win this.”

Sophia: “You’re being too intense here. Don’t you remember that spelling bee in second grade? You beat all the kids so bad they wouldn’t invite you to any birthday parties.”
Dorothy: “Ma, that had nothing to do with the spelling bee. The kids were just jealous of me. Jealous. J – E – A – L-”
Sophia: “All right, all right!”
Dorothy: “Besides Ma, all that studying paid off.”
Sophia: “Oh yeah, paid off. You got knocked off in high school.”
Dorothy: “Ma, I am 60 years old, why do you have to bring this up every day of my life?”
Sophia: “So it won’t happen again.”

Dorothy: “Four-time champion? How? This woman is an idiot.”
Johnny Gilbert: “Oh really? She didn’t get knocked up in high school.”

Rose: “Alex, as you know, I was raised in a rural community. Uh, I’m proud to take Cows for three hundred.”

Alex Trebek: “So let’s move on to double Jeopardy! And the categories for this more difficult round of play are: structural engineering, photometry, Roman law, systems of nonuniform motion, electromagnetic phenomena, and finally, gum.”

Dorothy: “Uh, Alex, structural engineering for uh, oh I’m gonna go for it, a thousand. In fact, give me every category for a thousand.”
Alex Trebek: “Now that’s what I call real Jeopardy! Dorothy, proceed.”
Dorothy: “Uh what is the Varrazano Narrows, what is a foot-candle, uh, what is the Theodosian Code, uh, what is the speed of light. Uh, what is the point of any of this Alex? I am humiliating these two.”

Alex Trebek: “Today, our final Jeopardy category is this: US History.”

Dorothy: “Mr. Griffin please. You are the most beloved man in America. You are bright, you are charming, you are the anti-Trump.”
Alex Trebek: “Excuse me Dorothy, but Mr. Griffin really hates it when people kiss up to him. Isn’t that right your excellency?”

Moderator: “Our contestants: Professor Reginald Bradley of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, Dr. Julie Steever Chief of Neurosurgery Victory Memorial Hospital, and Dorothy Zbornak, a substitute teacher.”

Moderator: “I afraid this is the point where Alex would politely tell you to shut up.”
Dorothy: “He would and he should. I mean after all he is the moderator and the function-”
Moderator: “Shut up.”
Reginald: “What is Pentecost”
Moderator: “I’m sorry.”
Dorothy: “What is Pentateuch?!
Moderator: “Correct.”
Dorothy: “Pentecost please! Somebody stop the bleeding.”
Sophia: “Pussycat, leave a few scraps for the other two nudnicks. You never know when I might need a good neurosurgeon.”
Dorothy: “These people are not nudnicks. They are brilliant, accomplished scientists. And I’m wiping the floor with them.”

Dorothy: “He said America wouldn’t root for me.”
Sophia: “Sweetheart, he’s wrong. How could America not root for you? You’re what this country’s all about. The daughter of immigrants who became the first member of her family to go to college, you made something of yourself.”
Dorothy: “Thanks Ma.”
Sophia: “Until you got knocked up in a backseat by a nobody. People didn’t want you at their birthday parties and they don’t want you in their living rooms.”
Dorothy: “I thought you said this was supposed to make me feel better?”
Sophia: “We did that, now we’re up to the part where I feel better. Come on, let’s go home. Lifesaver?”
Dorothy: “Ah go to hell, Ma.”

Critique: It’s funny how they made Dorothy so much more “book-smart” and nerdy in the last couple seasons. Way back in Season 3 she loved that ridiculous show “Grab That Dough” but now her favorite show is apparently “Jeopardy!” and even though she says she watches it every night, we’ve never actually seen her watch it or even mention it. Eh that doesn’t really matter because it leads us to one of Season 7’s all time greatest scenes: Dorothy’s Jeopardy! dream that features cameos from Alex Trebek and Mr. Anti-Trump himself Merv Griffin. I truly love how us Anti-Trump people have this moment of solidarity from the almighty Dorothy Zbornak. Rose’s storyline about Jake is a cute if uneventful sequence of events (save for that, you know, death) and is yet another attempt by the animal-loving cast to get another perfectly trained, genius dog onto the show. It wouldn't be a 90s sitcom without one. How Rose could get a newly acquired shelter dog a job at a hospital without any training is beyond me. But he made Grace happy so I guess that counts for something. And how does Rose just give away her pets to people all the time? Oh your wife just died, here have my dog! But I digress. Back to the more important task at hand: Trying to figure out what Jeopardy! moment is best. While the dream sequence is a stand-out I am a big fan of the egocentric, substitute teacher Dorothy having fun wiping the floor with her professor and doctor competitors. Sure the Jeopardy guy says that he doesn’t think America would root for Dorothy, but as fans of this brilliant show, we root for her every single time Bea Arthur shows up onscreen. GRADE: A-

Thursday, March 5, 2020

The Commitments S7E16

Synopsis: Dorothy finds herself dating a Beatlemania musician; meanwhile, Blanche freaks out about a guy she’s dating who won’t make a move.

Musical Moments
Dorothy: She loves you/Yeah, yeah, yeah/She loves you/Yeah, yeah, yeah”
Sophia: “’Yeah, yeah, yeah,’ you call that music? ‘Hidy hidy ho,’ now that's music.”

Don: “She loves you”
Dorothy: “Yeah, yeah, yeah”
Don:“She loves you”
Dorothy: “Yeah, yeah, yeah”
Don:“She loves you”
Don & Dorothy: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeaaaah”
Blanche, to Jerry: “That's Dorothy. Really dodged a bullet, didn't you?”

Dorothy: “What can you say about a show by an ex-fake-Beatle that began with I've Got to Be Me and ended with Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting? What the hell was that man doing up there?”
Rose: “Was it as bad as that?”
Dorothy: “Had it been a fight, they would've stopped it.”
Rose: “Did he do any of his own material?”
Dorothy: “Oh, he did his own material, all right. A Tribute to Dorothy. ‘Dot, Dot, What a Girl I Got.’ The last words I heard as I sprinted to my car were, ‘When we shower together, we don't have to turn on hot.’ I guess I just feel a little silly right now. Could I have transferred my love for The Beatles to this one man who plays a Beatle? Could I have been so shallow as to have fallen in love with a persona, and-and not the person? Oh Ma, I need support now. Please, honey, no jokes, no I-told-you-so's.”
Sophia: “Of course not, Dot. ‘Dot, I've gotta trot.’ Hey, listen to me. I'm a Beatle.”

That’s What She Said
Blanche: “Oh, Sophia, do you know where any batteries are?”
Sophia: “Oh you make me sick.”

Lewd Ladies
Rose: “Morning, Blanche. How was your date last night?”
Blanche”“Ha! How was my date last night? I woke up alone. That's how my date was last night. He didn't open my car door. He did not escort me into the restaurant, didn't pull out my chair, and then, when the check came, he made me pay half the bill! What did I ever do to deserve that?”
Rose: “Sounds to me like you put out before dinner again.”

Sassy Sophia
Jerry: “Hi, I'm Jerry. Is Dorothy Zbornak here?”
Blanche: “Uh... Uh...”
Sophia: “I'm Dorothy Zbornak.”
Rose: “Sophia, you stop that. You are not Dorothy Zbornak. I'm Dorothy Zbornak.”
Sophia: “All right, all right, but I am a Petrillo, and I've been known to make princes and kings leave their wives and palaces and dance the bossa nova.”
Jerry: “Excuse me, what does that mean?”
Sophia: “I think it means today is placebo-pill day. I'm going to bed.”

Back in St. Olaf
Blanche: “Listen, girls, don't one of you have a story about some man who wouldn't sleep with you?”
Dorothy: “Golly, I sure don't.”
Blanche: “Stop it.”
Rose: “I have a story, a story that'll end all stories.”
Dorothy: “Oh, Rose, please.
Blanche: “All right, but, honey, make it fast. Ten words or less.”
Rose: “All right, but your curiosity is gonna be so piqued, you'll beg for more.”
Blanche: “Just spit it out, Rose. When was it a man refused to sleep with you?”
Rose: “The time I was radioactive.”
Blanche: “How 'bout you, Sophia?”
Sophia: “Well, there was that time Warren Beatty passed up the chance to sleep with me.”
Blanche: “So, Rose, you say you were radioactive?”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Oh, Jerry. Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. Come over here. Now, let me clear up any confusion you might have. I don't want to be treated as your equal.”
Jerry: “You don't?”
Blanche: “I want to be treated a lot better than you. I mean, really. Like a goddess who likes to go bar hopping.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Dorothy: “Look, Blanche, are you gonna do this or not? Because my date is on his way over, and I just won a ticket on the radio to a dinner theater Beatlemania. Shut up, Ma.”
Rose: “Beatlemania? You're giving up a date for Beatlemania??”
Dorothy: “Oh, Rose, the Beatles were the first and only rock-and-roll group that I ever really loved. When they came to Shea Stadium, I managed to get a ticket, but one of my kids came down with the flu. It was one of those times when you have to pretend that you love your kids more than something you really wanna do.”

The Boob Tube
Blanche, playing with the remote: “Huh. I wonder how this thing works. Oh, just like The Jetsons. Now, let's just sit ourselves down here and have a little bubbly. You know what goes great with champagne? Me.”

Golden Quotes
Jerry: “I'm supposed to meet a Dorothy Zbornak at this address at 7:30 for a dinner date. So which one of you really is Dorothy Zbornak?”
Blanche: “I am Dorothy's best friend, Blanche. I'm filling in for her because she's dead.”

Dorothy: “Ma, Don plays George in Beatlemania.”
Don: “And Paul when Ernie's sick.”
Sophia: “Well, good for you. Dorothy? What the hell are you doing with this loser?”
Dorothy: “Ma, he is not a loser. He's a wonderful and gifted musician. I know this sounds odd, but when he was on stage, our eyes met and it was.. well, it was, it was kismet. Suddenly, we were spiritually-connected soul mates.”
Don: “And then you threw your underwear at me, didn't you, love?”

Sophia: “I can't believe you. Are you actually standing here, telling your own mother you had sex with a complete stranger?”
Dorothy: “No, but it was an incredible simulation.”

Dorothy: “Girls, I have great news. I finally convinced Don to quit Beatlemania. Isn't that wonderful?”
Sophia: “Dorothy, you're 60 years old and breaking up fake rock-and-roll bands. I want you to think about that.”
Dorothy: “Ma, will you stop it? Thanks to me, Don can now perform his own songs. Do you know what that makes me?”
Sophia: “Yoko Zbornak?”
Dorothy: “His muse. His muse. Well, actually, his old lady.”
Sophia: “Don't you think I know what this is all about? It's about that British Invasion that's been going on in your bedroom.”

Blanche: “Girls, I have a question, a vital question. I want you to think long and hard before answering. Am I ugly?”
Sophia: “Yes.”
Blanche: “I mean, I've always thought of myself as ravishing, but is something changing? Is there, is there, all of a sudden, something disgusting and unattractive about me??”
Sophia: “Yes.”
Blanche: “Now, you cut it out, you old worm woman.”

Rose: “What are you looking for, Blanche?”
Blanche: “Batteries. You know, I bought one of those subliminal self-esteem tapes, but my batteries are dead.”
Rose: “Oh, you don't need those trendy tapes, Blanche. You know what I do when I need a shot of self-esteem?”
Blanche: “Yeah, you put on that dopey ‘It's okay to be me’ sweatshirt, go lock yourself in the bathroom, and then, like a moron, kiss yourself silly in the mirror.”
Rose: “And I guess I'll be back in there again tonight.”

Dorothy: “I am home, dear, dear friends. What a glorious night!”
Blanche: “Dorothy Zbornak, I just hate you. There you go again, rubbing it in, how I'm having a sex drought and you're having a bumper crop.”
Dorothy: “And I'm expecting more rain.”

Rose: “Blanche, think about it. Would it really be so bad if you and Jerry just had a platonic relationship?”
Blanche: “Rose, I already have friends I don't have sex with: You guys.”

Jerry: “My God, Blanche, this bed is vibrating.”
Blanche:“It better be at these prices.”

Blanche: “Wait, Jerry. Wait. There's been a mistake. I had no idea what kind of place this was, I swear.”
Motel worker: “Ms. Devereaux, nice to see you again.”

Blanche: “I am nothing but a cheap tawdry slut.”
Rose: “Don’t tell me, is it Blanche??”

Don: “Hello love.”
Rose: “Dorothy isn't here, Don.”
Don: “Well, actually, I was looking for you. I was wondering if you might want to have a spot of dinner with me.”
Rose: “Oh, I don't think so. I have a boyfriend.”
Don: “Oh. Did I mention Ernie's sick, and I'll be playing Paul this week?”
Rose: “Well, maybe just some coffee.”

So, if Don plays Paul when Ernie’s sick, then who the hell plays George? But I digress. More importantly, read this line of dialogue out-loud: “The time I was radioactive.” I have so many questions. This is the one St. Olaf story that actually sounds remotely interesting and yet we never get to hear it. Tragedy, such a tragedy. Instead we get Dorothy singing “She Loves You Yeah Yeah Yeah” twice, (thank God not thrice) because it was probably all the producers could afford at the time. I really think this Beatlemania plotline existed only so the writers could make that Yoko Zbornak joke, one of the episode’s funniest moments. So yeah, for the wacky 7th season does this actually feels like a more grounded episode? Who else is impressed that Dorothy was able to get her underwear off in the middle of a dinner theater without anyone noticing? I don’t think anyone really lists this episode as being one of their go-to watches but it has some decently funny moments. Blanche’s storyline about dating a man who makes her question her entire sexual existence is fine if underwhelming. The scene at that goofy sex motel is certainly a highlight including the sight of Blanche lunging herself at Jerry to that tribal music. But of course the most memorable moment of Dorothy’s Beatlemania story is of course “Dot Dot what a girl I got.” And of course Sophia has gotta trot. The less said about the episode’s dialed up to 11 corny ending the better. GRADE: B+