Friday, June 14, 2019

The Monkey Show - Part 2 S7E9

Synopsis: As the storm hits, Dorothy deals with Gloria and Stan sleeping together while Rose and Blanche bomb hosting the Save the McKinley Lighthouse telethon.

Musical Moments
Rose: “While Blanche is doing that, why don't I head over to the piano? I'd like to sing you a song that I used to sing as a child. It's an old Minnesotan farm song entitled, I Never Thought I'd Grow a Hair There:
Oom pah, pah/Oom pah, pah/Oom pah, pah/Om, what the hell is that hair?”
Blanche:Rose? We just got a pledge for $20.”
Rose: “Oh, let's go to the tote board. Drum roll. We're off to a good start. Okay, now, where was I? Oh, yes, where Hans first spots the hair. Oom pah, pah/Oom pah, pah-”
Blanche: “Rose? Rose? I just got a pledge for $50, if you will stop singin'.”
Sophia [on the phone]: “That's right. 50 bucks if she stops singing and I'll throw in another 50 if you slam the piano lid on her fingers.”

Insult Watch
Dorothy: “Mama, may I see you in the kitchen?”
Sophia: “You look mighty pretty today, pussycat.”
Dorothy: “This isn't going to work, you little stick person.”

Product Placement
Stan: “Can you believe it? The machines are all empty.”
Dorothy: “Oh, that's terrible. Would you like a Clark bar?”
Stan: “Sure.”
Dorothy: “$2.50.”
Stan: “It's nice to be able to talk again like human beings, like friends.”
Dorothy: “I said $2.50, Stan.”

Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “Look, Gloria isn't the kind of woman that does well by herself. She's the kind of woman who needs a rich man to buy her things and make her feel special.”
Dorothy: “Oh? And what kind of woman am I?”
Sophia: “The kind who should live with her mother.”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “Oh, I remember back in St. Olaf, during a tornado, my mother left the storm cellar to find Toto. Her constant companion and favorite cow.”
Dorothy: “Why are we nice to her?”
Rose: “The point is, when mother went out in the storm, she got quite a bump on her head. For the rest of her days, she kept trying to get that cow in the little basket on the front of her bicycle.”

Best of B.E.D.
Rose: “Hello, this is Rose Nylund. And this is Blanche Devereaux.”
Blanche: “Hi, boys.”
Rose: “And we're going to be with you for the next eight hours on the Save the McKinley Lighthouse Telethon. So, please call the number that's flashing on your screen to make your pledges.”
Blanche: “And, uh, for that handsome guy in the red corvette that I cut off on Highway 12 yesterday, you can call my personal number which is flashin' on your screen now.” [555-EASY]

Brooklyn: A Fairyland
Sophia: “It's like when they were young. Whenever Gloria took one of Dorothy's old toys, Dorothy would get interested again and want it back. I can still hear her yelling, ‘Gloria took my stick! Gloria took my stick!’”
Angelo: “Boy, we come from a poor family. But the way I see it is, you gave Stan to Gloria. But Stan is not a stick. He's not a Betsy Wetsy. He's not a rubber ball. He's a man.”
Sophia: “You are so wise.”
Angelo: “I listen to a lot of talk radio.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Dorothy: “How could you do this? How could you do this to me?”
Stan: “Dorothy, there's a hurricane a-comin’. Fierce winds and driving rains. Who knows what's gonna happen to all of us? I felt scared and vulnerable.”
Dorothy: “Oh, Stan, you big, bald girl.”

Gloria: “Dorothy, it just happened. I know you think it's wrong, but it's not a crime, you know.”
Dorothy: “Yes, it is. Officers!”
Stan: “You brought the cops??”
Dorothy: “That's right. I came prepared. Officers, shoot these people. You heard me, I'm a tax payer. Shoot them.”
Dorothy: “Oh, come on now. You can too shoot them.”
Cop 1: “I cannot shoot them. I can only shoot looters.”
Dorothy: “Oh, I understand. Stan, pick up the TV on your way out, will you?”

The Boob Tube
Davy Cricket: “And now, I'd like to do a happy cricket. Note the difference.”
Rose: “That's great. Do you do any other insects?”
Davy Cricket: “Well, I do a grasshopper that- Nah, you can't do it on TV.”
Rose: “Oh, well, thank you. Thank you, Davey Cricket.”

Golden Quotes
Dr. Halperin: “So, kids, what's going on?”
Stan: “Well, Doc, I have some news. I sort of slept with Dorothy's sister.”
Dr. Halperin: “Hey, you're off the monkey. Mazel tov.”

Carol: “Oh my God.”
Dorothy: “What is it?”
Carol: “You're Dan and Morothy.”
Dorothy: “Wild and crazy names?”
Dr. Halperin: “Carol, this is a different Dan and Morothy.”
Carol: “You mean these aren't the two nuts who couldn't stop seeing each other? Dan, a sex-crazed nudnik with occasional performance problems, and Morothy, a domineering tyrant who totally emasculated him?”
Sophia: “No more calls. We have a winner.”

Blanche: “Well, let me tell you something, mister. It doesn't matter how many of our acts have shown up. It doesn't matter how many hours of air time we have to fill. There is only one thing that matters here. The indomitable devotion that Rose and I have in our hearts for that windmill. It's a devotion for that windmill. It's a love for that windmill. And as God as our witness, we are going to save that windmill.”
Rose: “It's a lighthouse, Blanche. We're saving the McKinley Lighthouse.”
Blanche: “That eyesore?”
Rose: “That's the one.”

Sophia: “Do you know, in some primitive societies, it's considered good manners to give your ex-husband to your sister?”
Dorothy: “In some primitive societies they leave their elderly out in a field for large birds to feed on. Where do we draw the line?”
Sophia: “Right before the large bird thing.”

Stage manager: “The telethon is over. The station manager just told me they're turning the airwaves over to the National Weather Service. This studio has been designated an official hurricane shelter.”
Blanche: “Oh, well, fine. But, uh, before I go, I would like to make one final plea. Now, I know there is goodness in your heart and I know you want to give. Well, I am ready to take anything you have to offer. Shaaaare with me.”
Stage manager: “Ma'am, we've been off the air for two minutes.”
Blanche: “I know it. I'm talking to Chester on camera two. Share with me, Chestah!”

Dorothy: “Ma? Ma, are you home? Ma, don't hide. [looking under kitchen cabinet] Ma? No, you're too smart to hide in the same place twice.”

Cop 2: “Hello, ma'am. Are you the resident here?”
Dorothy: “Oh, my God. It's my mother!!”
Cop 2: “No, ma'am, I'm a police officer.”
Cop 1: “Can I show the kid Blanche’s room while we’re waiting? Nah, let him be surprised.”

Sophia: “Angelo, you're my big brother. I can only come to you. I'm in trouble.”
Angelo: “Then the boy will marry you.”

Sophia: “I'm a terrible mother.”
Angelo: “You're a wonderful mother.”
Sophia: “No, I really upset my Dorothy. She's at a very difficult age. Just out of menopause, but the sex drive isn't totally dead yet.”
Angelo: “That is an awkward time.”
Sophia: “And Gloria, she's my baby. She hasn't even lost any of her adult teeth yet.”
Angelo: “I'd kill for a piece of corn that wasn't creamed.”

Sophia: “Oh, the entrance is blocked. We can't get out! We're gonna die!”
Angelo: “All right, don't worry. I have a plan. They taught me how to deal with emergencies in the Italian Army. HELP! HELP!”

Sophia: “Dorothy, I want to talk to you. I just wanted to say I'm sorry about the stick.”
Dorothy: “What stick?”
Sophia: “The stick. The one with the sock on it with the buttons for the eyes?”
Dorothy: “You mean Scout? You know where Scout is?”
Sophia: “Look, I'm sorry I gave the stick to your sister when you were a kid. And I'm sorry about the other thing, too.”
Dorothy: “You mean about giving Stan to Gloria?”
Sophia: “Yeah, that and the stick. I'm sorry about those two things.”

Is anyone else disturbed that Dorothy refers to the lanai as “the patio.” Bea Arthur was really checked out this season wasn’t she? Of course, no one else seemed to care either. But I digress. The second part of this two part episode (which aired as part of a Hurricane Saturday crossover night on NBC with Empty Nest and Nurses – yes there is a Golden Girls shared universe, eat your heart out Marvel) is significantly funnier than the first half. Everything at the telethon is gold. I used to watch Rose sing the “I Never Thought I’d Grow a Hair There” song over and over and over again when I was younger. The way they go to the tot board every time they get a donation is fun visual gag. How exactly Blanche was able to coordinate with the graphics guy having her “personal number” flash on the TV screen is a ridiculous but hilarious gag as well. And who could forget Davy Cricket?? Of course there’s more about the repercussions of Gloria and Stan sleeping together. Snooze. Though I do like it when the cops show up and Dorothy tells them to shoot Gloria and Stan after she finds them sleeping together again. Hurricanes just make people horny I guess. I’m surprised Blanche was able to get through the whole storm without French kissin’ the pillahs. And lastly I’d just like to leave you with the image of Sophia squished underneath the kitchen cabinets. Brilliant. Just brilliant. GRADE: B+

Wednesday, June 5, 2019

The Monkey Show - Part 1 S7E8

Synopsis: Dorothy’s sister Gloria who is newly poor comes to visit; Stan is dating a fake monkey named Fifi on doctor’s orders; Rose volunteers to help with a telethon to help save a lighthouse; meanwhile Sophia insists that a hurricane is a-comin’.

90s Flashback
“I always thought of us as the Gabors.”
“Well, I'm glad we had this little chat.”
“No, hear me out. I'm Jolie, the mother. Your sister Gloria, she's Zsa Zsa. And Eva Well, Eva was, of course, your brother, Phil.”
“I'm not a Gabor?”
“You're telling me. Listen, big news. Zsa Zsa's coming to town.”

Crazy Continuity
You can see previously see Fifi in the background of Dr. Halperin’s office in the sixth episode of this season “Mother Load.”

Musical Moments
Man auditioning: But how can you thank someone/Who's taken you from crayons to perfume?/It isn't easy, but I'll try/To Sir, with love”
Blanche: “Oh, bravo! Bravissimo! Encore! Encore! Date me!”

That’s What She Said
Dorothy: “I have a place for your monkey, Stan.”

Animal Alert
Stan: “Hi. It's me, Stan.”
Rose: “And who's that good-looking monkey with you?”
Stan: “Don't be condescending. I know it's silly, but it's doctor's orders. It's just a tool to help me get over Dorothy.”
Rose: “Can I hold him?”
Stan: “Are your hands clean?”

Zbornak Zingers
Dorothy: “Ma, even if there is a hurricane a-coming.”
Sophia: “Don't patronize me.”
Dorothy: “I'm not patronizing you. I'm a-mocking you.”

Insult Watch
Gloria: “What is it you do again, Dorothy?”
Dorothy: “I'm a substitute teacher.”
Gloria: “Oh, no, I'd be a real teacher.”
Dorothy: “I am a real teacher.”
Gloria: “Oh, look, Ma. Her ears are starting to get all red. Someone's getting maaaad!”

Best of B.E.D.
Rose: “You'd turn the telethon into a disgusting manhunt.”
Blanche: “A disgusting manhunt. What a great idea! Oh, see, we'll all get dressed in little safari outfits, and we'll have the men in cages. Then we'll let them out and they'll all run around in loincloths. And every man who gets caught will donate $50, and then we'll get to take them home with us.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Blanche: “Oh, you’re back from your session early, was it as cathartic as you thought?”
Dorothy: “Well, I don’t know if cathartic is the word.”
Rose: “You should do what I do. I find if I repeat a word that's confused me, I look smarter than I really am. Like, ‘Was it cathartic?’ ‘Oh, I've had a catharticism.’ ‘Of course, I'm not the type to kiss and cathartirize.’”

Stage manager: “Ma'am, we really do need some female acts. Uh, you might want to tell your friend not to be so capricious with her judgments.”
Rose: “Ah, yes, indeed. For, as we all know, it's the capricious person whose capriciosity is never truly caprified.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Dorothy: “It's so hard to dress for a psychiatrist. You wear black, they think you're depressed.
You wear red, they think you're angry.”
Blanche: “You wear a negligee, they think you want to sleep with them.”
Dorothy: “Why aren't you arrested more?”

Gloria: “I'm sorry I'm late.”
Dorothy: “Oh, no, I understand. Buses.”

What Do I Look Like, a Cross-Dresser?
Blanche: “You don't know what it's like to have a husband die and leave you with nothin'. Just a closet full of suits that you spend the rest of your lonely life tryin' to get rid of. [looking at Dorothy] What are you, anyway, a 42 regular?”

Reel References
Sophia: “Hurricane supplies, coming through.”
Rose: “What makes you so certain about the storm, Sophia?”
Sophia: “Because I'm old. I know. I've seen everything twice. Except Bonfire of the Vanities. Oof

Golden Quotes
Dorothy: “Ma, what are you doing?”
Sophia: “Filling sandbags, Dorothy. There's a hurricane a-coming.”
Dorothy: “A-coming??”
Sophia: “That's right. People only use the ‘a’ when a really big storm is a-coming or a-brewing. So grab a sack and start a-shoveling.”

Sophia: “Dorothy, when you get around my age, two things happen. One, you get more intuitive about the weather. And two, corn becomes your enemy.”

Rose: “Boy, it's like you people don't pay any attention to me whatsoever.”
Blanche: “Hey, when did you sneak in?”

Dorothy: “Stan, please. She's out of M-O-N-E-Y.”
Stan: “Yeah well, she's not getting mine.”
Dorothy: “She's not out of MONKEY, Stan. She's out of MONEY!”

Stan: “Come on, Dorothy, we better get going. After our session, I have an important dinner meeting with some investors.”
Dorothy: “Oh my God, Stan, you're not taking your monkey, are you?”
Stan: “Please, they are Japanese investors. The last thing I would do would be to offend them. She'll be at a separate table with the other wives.”

Dorothy: “Stan and I went through a period where we had no marital relations at all. I totally cut off his sex.”
Rose: “You mean it grows back??”
Dorothy: “Yes, Rose. He's a lizard.”

Dorothy: “All right, leaving your husbands out of this, haven't you ever been glad when one of your relationships ended? Rose, how about that guy you dated last summer? Don't you remember? The one who played Goofy at Disney World.”
Rose: “I remember the passion, yes.”
Dorothy: “Do you remember why it didn't work out?”
Rose: “It just didn't.”
Dorothy: “Right. But why not?”
Rose: “I don't wanna talk about it.”
Blanche: “Oh, Rose, honey, there's nothin' to be ashamed of.”
Rose: “He took off the Goofy head.”

As a kid who grew up wanting to be a weatherman, there’s no way in hell no one in Miami wouldn’t of known that there was a hurricane a-comin’. But I think we’ve all come to accept the fact that a show about 4 seniors sharing a house in Miami actually isn’t the most accurate television progrim of all time. But I digress. I live for two things about the first part of this two part episode: Fifi and Sophia’s “Take Me Hurricane ‘91” shirt. When Stan shows up with a stuffed monkey wrapped around a traffic cone it’s nothing but sheer hilarity. And the fact that Rose keeps insisting on how good-looking it is just the icing on the cake. As funny as some elements of this two-parter is, let’s be honest, the stuff with Gloria is sort of a snooze. I mean it’s funny to see Dorothy be such a bitch about Gloria losing her money, but I don’t really care much for this sibling. Of course as Gloria, Dena Dietrich looks the part – she’s just as much of a redwood as Dorothy is. But usually when I watch this episode I can’t wait to get to the silly stuff involving the telethon in the second part...  GRADE: B

Thursday, April 11, 2019

Dateline: Miami S7E7

Synopsis: After Dorothy leaves for the evening on a date, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia reminisce about bad past dating experiences.

90s Flashback
Dorothy: “Well, I'm off. If you need something to keep you occupied tonight, Rose, why don't you take out a good book and see if you can find Waldo?” [evil laugh]
Rose: “I've never liked her.”

Musical Moments
Dorothy: “Heaven, I'm in heaven/And my heart beats so that I can hardly... What are you all looking at?”
Blanche: “You. What are you so happy about?”
Sophia: “If I know my Dorothy, there's only one thing that makes her this happy.”
Rose: “You're going back to Shady Pines??”
Sophia: “No, you moron. She has a date.”

St. Olaf Vocab
Rose’s date, John: “May I recommend the The Poulet Veronique?”
Rose: “John, I have a rule. If I can't pronounce it, I don't put it in my mouth. Say, do they have gougenflucter?”

That’s What She Said
Rose: “Hi, fellas. Here's something you two can nibble on.”
Blanche: “And we brought you some hors d'oeuvres too.”

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Blanche: “Besides, it's bad luck if you don't get kissed at midnight. Why, my New Year's Eve kiss is the most important one of the whole year. It sets the tone for the next 365 days. One year I didn't get kissed at midnight on New Year's Eve, I didn't get lucky till after the Orange Bowl.”

Lewd Ladies
Blanche [looking through her sex box]: “Your first time should be really special. You need a woman who won't make you nervous or put unrealistic demands on you. A woman who'll be tender and kind and gentle... Where the heck is that riding crop?”

Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: “But I've been disrobing in front of Dr. Kagan for three years. Why would he ask you out when he's seen the promised land?”
Dorothy: “I really don't know. Too many squatters?”

Picture It
Sophia: “Now, sit back and listen, I got a jerk story. Picture it. Brooklyn, 1948. My friend's son was helping me out around the house. I was expecting Dorothy home from the library any minute.” [Sophia proceeds to tell the story about how she found out Dorothy got pregnant]

Insult Watch
Rose’s date, John: “Susan, uh, Susan, please. Uh, this is not the time or the place.”
Susan: “It's me, isn't it? I've driven you away. What if I dyed my hair? [Looking at Rose] I'd even dye it that color. If they still make that color.”

Rose: “So, uh, where are you guys from? I think I detected an accent.”
Arnie: “What does it matter? Life is just one bottomless pit of muck and despair.”
Rose: “Let me guess. New Jersey?”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “So you could imagine how relieved Farmer Gunlinger was when he looked up and saw it wasn't his cow up in that tree. [Arnie sobs] Arnie, what - what's the matter?”
Arnie: “The cow story. My wife's name was Elsie.”

Best of B.E.D.
Dorothy: “You're just jealous about the fact that I have a date on a Saturday night and you don't.”
Blanche: “Saturday night? Kids' stuff. Get lucky on a Tuesday morning, then call me.”
Dorothy: “I guess I'm just not attracted to crossing guards.”
Blanche: “Dorothy, a guy sets a folding chair up in front of my house, I wanna know more.”

Rose: “Well, if being kissed is all you care about, why didn't you just stay at the Rusty Anchor?”
Blanche: “Oh, it was too crowded.”
Rose: “They threw you out again, didn't they?”
Blanche: “Like I'm the only person who ever mixed a margarita in a sailor's mouth.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Rose: “I had just moved to Miami, I was very vulnerable, and I did something that I I guess was a little dumb.”
Sophia & Blanche: [sarcastically] “Noooo.”

Literary Intelligentsia
Rose: “Is that true, Dorothy? Do you have a date tonight?”
Dorothy: “Rose, I mean, that's an awfully personal question to- YES!”
Blanche: “Oh, good God. Dorothy Zbornak has a date on a Saturday night and Blanche Devereaux does not? That sounds like an idea for a Stephen King book.”

Reel References
Waiter: “Well, well, Peter. We just swing the way the wind blows, don't we? And who's this? Glinda, the Good Witch of the North? You disgust me. After the way you've treated me, I should scratch your eyes out. Call me.”
Rose’s date, John: “Poker buddy.”

Golden Quotes
Dorothy: “It so happens I'm having dinner with Dr. Lee Kagan, a medical corporation.”
Blanche: “Not our Dr. Kagan? The Dr. Lee Kagan I love more than life itself?”
Rose: “Dr. Kagan?? Hubba-hubba-zing-zing, baby he's got everything!”

Rose’s date John: “Rose, maybe I shouldn't say this, because some day I hope to be a Supreme Court Justice, but you are quite a babe.”

Rose’s date, John: “Believe me, this is not what it seems. John Patrick Anderson is a regular guy.”
Police officer: “Shlomo Ziegler?”
Rose’s date, John: “Yes?”
Police officer: “You're under arrest. Your days as the Freeway Flasher are over.”

Sophia: “I can't believe my pussycat's been out with that guy for three hours. I'm getting worried. Maybe I should call the police. Nah, he's probably okay.”

Rose: “How could you do this to me, Blanche? You knew I wanted to spend tonight alone.”
Blanche: “Rose, nobody who says they wanna be alone on New Year's Eve ever really means it.”
Rose: “I did.”
Blanche: “Well, you're a freak.”

Rose: “Come on, Arnie, I wanna show you the answer to a riddle. What's Irish and stays out all night?”
Arnie: “I don't know. What, Rose?”
Rose: “Paddy O'Furniture.”

Blanche: “Let me get this straight. Um. You've never... Never, ever?”
Bob: “Not once.”
Blanche: “Have you even thought about it?”
Bob: “Only... all the time. To be honest, I've never even seen a naked lady.”
Blanche: “So what we're saying here is, you're a virgin?”
Bob: “A virgin.”
Blanche: “Oh God. This brings out the artist in me.”

Blanche: “Gosh, it's gettin' late. I bet it's after 1:00 and Dorothy's not home. I guess Dr. Kagan's turning out to be wonderful.”
Rose: “Or maybe he drugged her and sold her into white slavery.”
Sophia: “Either way, I'm glad she's out of the house.”

Critique: Is it just me or is this episode seriously lacking in, oh, BEA ARTHUR?? At this point the writers and producers knew that this would be the final season because Bea wanted out and it’s as if they decided to write an entire episode around the fact that Dorothy was not present to see what would happen. And like a table with only three legs the whole thing collapses. The three segments – which are “flashbacks” but not from previous episodes – are fine in their own right, but the fact that they are Bea-less is obvious. The first segment finds Rose on a date with a guy who keeps running into people he’s apparently still dating including women who keep making fun of Rose’s hair color and a flamboyant waiter. It’s an amusing scene but kind of silly and forgettable. At least it gave us the name Shlomo Ziegler. The second segment is great, with lots of quotable lines, especially from Blanche who brings home a pair of brothers after getting kicked out of The Rusty Anchor on New Year’s Eve (for mixing a margarita in a sailor’s mouth). She pairs up with Bob the virgin (Fred Willard who you’ve seen in countless things including most of Christopher Guest’s mockumentaries). That brings out the ahtist in Blanche. The final segment – like pretty much all of the ones set the past in Brooklyn – is basically a snooze. Yes it’s fun to see Estelle Getty out of makeup playing young Sophia and yes Lyn Greene NAILS a young Dorothy Zbornak but those scenes were never my favorite. Then Dorothy finally shows up at the end and implies that she banged Dr. Kagan so hard that he’s too tired to walk her to the door. End of episode. This is probably one of the weakest Season 7 episodes though the New Year’s Eve scene just barely saves it from an Isaac Newton level disaster (And yes, for the record, the Isaac Newton episode is worse than, say, M. Terrific and most people don’t realize it because everyone always forgets about the Isaac Newton episode but I digress). At least the next episode is the one with Stan’s monkey. GRADE: B-

Wednesday, March 13, 2019

Mother Load S7E6

Synopsis: Blanche dates a local newsman who is having mommy issues; Dorothy reluctantly attends a therapy session with Stan and is shocked to learn he’s trying to win her back.

Crazy Continuity
In a rare form of actual continuity, you can clearly see the monkey traffic cone in Dr. Halperin’s office which will make its appearance in an upcoming episode.

Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: [arriving home after her date] Ohhhh. Mmmmmmm. Oh, my, my, my, my, my, my, MY!!”
Dorothy: “Why do I feel the need to bathe?”

Insult Watch
Rose: “Boy, the timing of Jerry's visit works out perfectly for me. See, his birthday is in two weeks, and the office is giving him a surprise roast. So I have to come up with one or two things that I can kid him about. I can get away with it 'cause he considers me a good friend.”
Dorothy: “Well, then why not tease him about his taste in friends?”

Stan: “Dr. Halperin's working with me on something called ‘closure.’ I'm not going there to try to win you back. I'm going there to try to get over you.”
Sophia: “Go around her, it takes less time.”

Product Placement
Stan: “Dorothy, I'm seeing a psychiatrist. I've discovered that the old Stan really wasn't Stan. He was merely a Stan trying to be the Stan that everyone thought Stan should be.”
Rose: “Hey, I've been there.”
Stan: “But now, with a little bit of help, I'm becoming a new Stan.”
Sophia: “Oh, great. I'll take a People magazine and a Morning Herald.”
Dorothy: “Ma, he is not a newsstand. He's a new Stan.”
Stan: “Then you can see the change?”
Sophia: “I'm waiting for the change. That was a $5 I handed you.”

Sassy Sophia
Dorothy: “Ma, as you know, Stan's been having difficulty making it on his own. Dr. Halperin believes that you can help him in his struggle to separate from me.”
Sophia: “Sure I can. Stay away from my daughter or I'll have your legs broken.”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “Oh, I remember St. Olaf's most famous psychotherapists, the Freud brothers, Sigmund and Roy. You may have read their bestseller, If I Have All the Cheese I Want, Why Am I Still Unhappy?

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Oh, why do these things keep happenin' to me? And why do I let them keep happenin'? I'm just tired of gettin' all dressed up, lookin' gorgeous, going out, only to lose out in the end. On the other hand, I am dressed up, and I do look gorgeous, and it is gringo night at Hernando's Hacienda. Oh, but I don't think I ought to go. I'm just so vulnerable. Does anyone know how to say vulnerable in Spanish? Oh, nevermind, I'll say it with my eyes. Adios.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Jerry: “Well, maybe I shouldn't, Blanche. I mean, t-this darn girdle is tight enough as it is.”
Dorothy: “Rose, did you catch that?”
Rose: “I sure did, my friend. ‘Darn girdle.’ The man refuses to curse.”

From Feud to Food
Dorothy: “Ma, I'm making dinner. What would you like to eat?”
Sophia: “A nice thick T-bone steak, corn on the cob, and pecan pie for dessert. Now ask me what I can chew.”
Dorothy: “I'll start soaking the cornflakes now.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Rose: “So, how was it, Blanche?”
Blanche: “Oh, you might as well ask me to describe the glory of the Great Smoky Mountains as they rise from the mist of a Carolina dawn.”
Dorothy: “They went to a sleazy motel.”
Blanche: “Or the colors of the monarch butterfly, spreading its wings as it emerges from the miracle of the cocoon.”
Dorothy: “She got him to pay for half the room.”
Blanche: “Or the sturdy cypress reaching heavenward, tall and mighty and proud!”
Dorothy: “That one I think is pretty self-explanatory.”

The Boob Tube
Blanche: “Jerry Kennedy, the newscaster?”
Rose: “Uh-huh. He's coming over to pick up his daily planner. I took it home from work by mistake. Boy, was I embarrassed when I showed up for handball with Walter Cronkite. By the way, if you ever run into Walt, don't tell him he looks like Captain Kangaroo.”

Golden Quotes
Rose: “Girls, you will never guess who was just on the phone!”
Blanche: “The real phone Rose, or your Farmer in the Dell phone?”
Rose: “Oh, please. I haven't had a Farmer in the Dell phone since I was 50.”

Rose: “Watch this, Dorothy. He won't even know I'm fishing for info. You know, Jerry, uh, when I was a little girl, my father misplaced his daily planner, too. It was when we were on the way to the state fair. Speaking of state fairs, is it true that you're cheap??”

Rose: “Jerry, I'd like you to meet my roommate, Blanche Devereaux. And, Blanche, this is-”
Blanche: “Oh why, you don't have to tell me. From the Gulf coast to the Atlantic, from the Keys to the Okefenokee, with the 11:00 news, this is Jerry Kennedy.”
Jerry: “Well, I'm flattered.”
Sophia: “From the pit of my stomach to the porcelain of the bowl-”

Jerry’s mother: “Did you know that Gerald is afraid of clowns? Or that he can't go to the bathroom except at home?”
Dorothy: “Oh, so that's why there's that look on his face right before they get to the weather.”

Dr. Halperin: “Now, Stan, what you have to do is ask yourself, why would you want to be with a woman who so clearly doesn't wanna be around you?”
Dorothy: “Well, I think I can answer that, Doctor. There's no other kind.”

Rose: “Girls, I think I have my opening for the roast. Listen. ‘Good evening, everyone. I hope you enjoyed your Cornish game hen.’ [giggles]
Dorothy: “What What's so funny about that?”
Rose: “Oh, I didn't set it up. You see, we're serving Cornish game hen.”
Dorothy: “Oh, well, now that you've explained it. But this still doesn't say anything about Jerry.”
Rose: “I know, I know, but I've drawn a blank. I even called his brother, and they haven't spoken since Jerry was arrested for public nudity. Damn it, there is just nothing funny about that clown-fearing, mama's boy.”

Sophia: [wearing a life jacket] “Wait a minute. This isn't Splash Mountain.”
Dorothy: “Ma, we're not going to Splash Mountain. I want you to meet Dr. Halperin. He's Stan's psychiatrist.”
Dr. Halperin: “Mrs. Petrillo, I've heard a lot about you.”
Sophia: “Lies! All lies! Yes, I wanted a boy, but slowly I learned to accept her.”
Dr. Halperin: “I just meant it was nice to meet you.”
Sophia: “Oops.”

Dr. Halperin: “Sophia, without going into a lot of psychological detail, I believe Stan's clinging to Dorothy is really a suppressed longing for his mother's love. Now, my theory is that, subconsciously, he's transferred that longing to you.”
Sophia: “And if you're wrong?”
Dr. Halperin: “I owe the parking guys a round of drinks.”

Dorothy: “You know, I cannot remember when I had a sponge cake quite so m-moist.”
Jerry: “Extremely moist.”
Rose: “The moistest.”
Sophia: “I found the tea rather moist, as well… What? I can't be uncomfortable, too?”

Jerry: “Well, all these raves have put me in the mood for another slice.”
Jerry’s mother: “Gerald, do you really feel you need another slice?”
Jerry: “Oh, well, maybe you're right, Mother. The television camera does exaggerate the pounds.”
Blanche: “Oh, I don't see where a little sliver would hurt.”
Sophia: “Finally, some action.”
Jerry: “Well, Blanche, I really shouldn't.”
Blanche: “Yes, Jerry, you should.”
Jerry’s mother: “No, he shouldn't. He's watching his refined sugar intake.”
Blanche: “Yes, he should. This cake is sweetened with natural fruit juices.”
Jerry’s mother: “No, he shouldn't. His cross-country skiing machine is in the shop.”
Blanche: “Yes, he should. He gets plenty, and I mean plenty, of exercise with me.”
Sophia: “Checkmate. Hand the guy a fork.”

Sophia: “I said it before, and I'll say it again. Sluts just heal quicker.”

I realize that Sophia is in her mid-80s and she’s not always altogether “there” but how did she get all the way from the car, into the office building, through the lobby, up the elevator, into the waiting room, and finally into Dr. Halperin’s office and then realize she wasn’t on Splash Mountain? But I digress. It is a funny joke in an episode full of solid moments but overall “Mother Load” is arguably one this season’s lesser efforts. Everything with Stan and his psychiatrist is fine but it’s certainly not as funny as Blanche’s A story about dating newscaster Jerry Kennedy. The best running gag of the half hour is certainly Rose trying to find quirky things about Jerry and not realizing that only being able to go to the bathroom at home and wearing a girdle are roast-worthy oddities. The standouts include fantastic uses of the controversial word “moist” and Blanche’s “my my my my my my my” horny moaning which I’ve quoted more times that I’m comfortable admitting. Does Jerry’s mother Millicent look familiar? This is the fourth role she’s had on The GG, her most memorable is probably Candi in “Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself.” Fun Fact: for some reason season 7 is filled with episodes with people who appeared in the 80s comedy “Airplane!” - my all-time favorite movie - Peter Graves is the first of three Season 7 actors to appear on the show. GRADE: B