Twas the Nightmare Before Christmas (S2E11)

Synopsis: The girls learn the true meaning of family on Christmas after they get held up at gunpoint, their flights are delayed, and end up watching over a complete stranger's diner.

Crazy Continuity

In the season 7 episode where Rose thinks Blanche slept with Charlie, Blanche insists she never goes to bed with men who wear wedding rings. Here, caught with Ed Kletner dressed as Santa, Dorothy alludes that Ed is married. Hmmm…

Also, Albert, the guy who runs the diner, is so bad at running his business that he ends up at the homeless shelter in the Season Four episode “Brother, Can You Spare That Jacket” (or someone who looks just like him of course).

Musical Moments

Rose: “This calls for some Christmas music!”

“Let's go surfin now/Everybody's learnin' how/Come on a safari with me...”

Rose: “I think I pushed the wrong button.”

Let’s Get Political

Sophia: “Who was that?”

Blanche: “He's a Santa Claus.”

Sophia: “You're kidding, I thought it was Fidel Castro.”

That’s What She Said

Blanche: “Rose! I had to stand in line for an hour to sit on his lap!”

Lewd Ladies

Rose: “A Santa is never off duty, mister. As long as you're in that uniform, the only thing that better be on your mind is giving people what they want for Christmas.”

Dorothy: “He was trying to, Rose. I saw Blanche's list.”

Zbornak Zingers

Rose: “That's a maple syrup spigot.”

Dorothy: “Rose, I love it. This will come in a lot handier than those pearl earrings. The next time I'm lost in the woods with a stack of pancakes.”

Insult Watch

Blanche: “Listen girls, I have an idea. Now I'm gonna create a diversion by bending over and picking something up seductively, then the two of you sneak up behind him and give him a karate chop.”

Dorothy: “Blanche, what do we look like? Charlie's Angels?”

Blanche: “I have been told I bear a striking resemblance to Miss Cheryl Ladd. Although my bosoms are perkier.”

Dorothy: “Not even if you were hanging upside down on a trapeze!”

Tales from the Old South

Blanche: “Did I ever tell you girls I met my husband George on Christmas Eve? Let me tell you just how exciting a Christmas Eve can be. I was home from college on Christmas vacation when my best friend Lisa Jane Beeler fixed me up with the most beautiful boy I'd ever laid my eyes on.”

Dorothy: “George?”

Blanche: “No, this was Richard J. Wild. And believe me, his name said it all. We must have pulled over on gthe side of the road five times on our way to that Christmas dance. Anyway, when we finally got to the dance, Richard dropped me off, and I turned and ran smack into a man so gorgeous, he made Richard J.

Wild look like a prepubescent choirboy.”

Rose “George?”

Blanche: “No, no, no, Ernie Willis. Well, Ernie smiled, and the next thing I knew, we were dancing in a local bar. When all of a sudden I heard a deep voice say, 'May I cut in?'Well when I turned I saw the man I knew I was gonna spend the rest of my life with.”

Albert: “George?”

Blanche: “No, no, Thomas Penville. Well after Thomas and I left the bar…

Dorothy: “Blanche! I could get herpes listening to this story!”

Product Placement

Dorothy: “I'm just sad because Christmas doesn't have any meaning anymore. It's gotten so commercial.”

Rose: “How can you say that?”

Dorothy: “Oh please Rose, the three wise men in the nativity scene at Burdines were wearing Ralph Lauren ski parkas.”

Sassy Sophia

Dorothy: “You see what this holiday has become? You see? Everybody thinks the best way to show someone you care is by going into debt. I mean where is the love? Where's the sharing? Where is the true spirit of Christmas?”

Sophia: “Neiman Marcus, ladies' apparel, third floor.”

Back in St. Olaf

Rose: “Girls, I have a terrific idea. Before we go home to spend Christmas with our families, why don't we have a little celebration right here? St. Olaf style.”

Dorothy: “I will not drink eggnog while wearing a cast-iron brassiere.”

Rose: “We don't do that at Christmas. We do that at Easter! At Christmas we exchange gifts we make for each other.”

Best of B.E.D.

Blanche: “Well I can't help it. There's something about a man in a Santa Claus suit that just drives me absolutely crazy. Maybe it's the warmth of all that red, hot, sweaty flannel. Set against the austere coldness of those black patent leather jackboots. Or maybe it's because those rosy cheeks and twinkling eyes bespeak a passion that is about to erupt from a man who spent a lonely year cooped up with a pack of dwarfs. I'm not sure. All I know is the sight of a Santa sets my body aflame with unbridled desire.”

Reel References

Dorothy: “Uh Rose, are you going to be very much longer?”

Rose: “Not now Dorothy, this man is still very down about his financial situation. He was one of the principle backers of 'Howard the Duck.'”

Neiman Marcus Marker: 4

Dorothy: “Rose, that is a great idea. We'll return all those meaningless impersonal gifts that we always buy for each other and we'll make something that comes from the heart. What do you say, Ma?” 

Sophia: “Unless you make a lamb's wool jacket with a fake fur collar, my heart is staying with Neiman Marcus ladies' apparel, third floor.”

Golden Quotes

Rose: “The Men Of Blanche's Boudoir.”

Blanche: “It's a calendar. Each month has the picture of a man who's brought some special joy into my life.”

Dorothy: “Oh Blanche. Oh, honey, this is so thoughtful. WOAH.”

Blanche: “September?”

Dorothy: “Yep!”

Sophia: “I'm surprised you were able to walk in October.”

Critique: The first of two Christmas-set episodes we'll see on GG, this is the one where everything goes horribly wrong, aka, the one where we find out Blanche is turned on by men in Santa suits. Also, I think it's time to start an official tally of references to Neiman Marcus. There's literally one almost every other episode. Did this store finance this show for crying out loud? With this episode there have been four total references to the luxury department store throughout the series. But I digress. This is a great Christmas themed episode that is filled with great, fan-favorite moments: Dorothy gives one of her Top Ten Resting Bea Faces, one of her Top Five “WHOAHS!” and we're given the gift of The Men of Blanche's Boudoir calendar. And one of my favorite lines that brilliantly jabs notorious box-office bomb “Howard the Duck.” This is a fun episode with so many great lines and fantastic performances. Bea is particularly strong here. So, the girls make gifts for each other (is anyone else disappointed we don't get to see what Dorothy gave the girls?), then they get held at gunpoint at Rose's office by a man dressed as Santa but it turns out Dorothy is a horrible Italian for not knowing the gun was fake, and finally, after the girls' flights are canceled because of a storm they happen upon a completely empty diner that is open on Christmas Eve for no reason that's run by a guy named Albert who trusts four complete strangers to look after the place while he visits his family for an hour. Ahh, the magic of 80s situation comedy. GRADE: A-