Thursday, February 13, 2020

Goodbye Mr. Gordon S7E15

Synopsis: Dorothy gets all giddy when her high school English teacher moves to Miami; meanwhile, hilarity ensues when Rose asks Blanche and Dorothy to appear on a morning talk show about women who live together (read: lesbians).

90s Flashback
Dorothy: “Mr. Gordon is probably over 70 by now. He's practically ancient.”
Sophia: “Seventy is ancient? If I met a man that age who looked halfway decent, I'd be on my back before you could say, ‘I've fallen and I can't get up.’”

…Until the Buffalo Pooped
Sophia: “Here are some pictures of Dorothy at 11, a hilariously awkward age for her.”
Dorothy: “Ma, enough with the pictures. Why don't you get us some coffee?”
Sophia: “Cause it gives me the trots. Oh, I get it. Company. Company. Pardon me.”

That’s What She Said
Blanche: “I have a date tonight with a young man I met in the produce department at the market. I showed him how to thump a melon.”
Sophia: “There's a euphemism we haven't heard before.”

Shady Pines, Ma
Sophia: “Join you for lunch? Let me check my social calendar. Oh, okay, I'm free.”
Dorothy: “Ma, that calendar's from 1984.”
Sophia: “Oh yeah, this is the day I escaped from Shady Pines. It says right here, ‘I'm free! I'm free!’”

Wake Up Miami Host: “Any other questions? Ah, here we go.”
Sophia: “This is directed to Dorothy's lover. Do people treat you differently because you're a lesbian?”
Blanche: “Well, most people don't know.”
Sophia: “Really? I would've guessed right off. Next question to Dorothy. What kind of pain and embarrassment has this lifestyle caused your mother?”
Dorothy: “I really don't know, but I'll ask her tomorrow when I visit her at THE HOME.”
Sophia: “No more questions.”

Lewd Ladies
Blanche: “This is exactly the kind of exposure I've been lookin' for.”
Sophia: “Please, enough of your exposure. We've already lost three gardeners.”

Insult Watch
Sophia: “MORE goofy pictures! Here's Dorothy in her wedding gown. Look how scared the groom looks!”

Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “I don't wanna hear any more of this. I don't like you being taken advantage of by some guy from out of town. At least, when Blanche does it, it's good for tourism.”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “A crush on the teacher. Ahh, I had those. Course I had to hide them because they made the principal jealous. Actually, though, once I did have a fling with the calculus teacher.”
Dorothy: “Oh and did you get an A?”
Blanche: “More like a full scholarship to MIT.”

Lesbian. Lesbian? LESBIAN??
Dorothy: “Rose, we can't kill you here because there are cameras. Now, how did this happen?”
Rose: “Oh, I don't know. They just said they wanted two women who loved each other and slept together.”
Dorothy: “We do not sleep together!!”
Rose: “Yes, you did. Last month, when When Blanche was having her room repainted because the plaster behind her headboard all fell out.”

Brooklyn: A Fairyland
Sophia: “Oh, here's a picture of Dorothy's ninth birthday party. Look how scared the clown looks.”
Dorothy: “You know, I can't believe you actually got a clown for my birthday. I can still see his big red nose and those huge black circles around his eyes.”
Sophia: “Oh, he wasn't a real clown. He was a friend of your father's. He'd been beaten up the night before. We gave him a couple of bucks.”
Dorothy: “I guess that's why he kept saying, “Now remember, kids, nobody likes a squealer.’”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Sophia: “My Dorothy didn't date teachers in high school. She dated losers like Stan who knocked her up and ruined her life forever.”
Dorothy: “It would be like a day without orange juice, wouldn't it, Ma?”

What Do I Look Like, a Cross-Dresser?
Mr. Gordon: “Mrs. Petrillo.”
Sophia: “We met before. You were having a problem with my son, Phil.”
Mr. Gordon: “Oh, right. The problem with the dress code.”
Sophia: “I still don't understand the problem. He was wearing a dress.”

The Boob Tube
Rose: “Girls, guess what? They gave me another job at the television station. The old associate producer quit, so now I am the new associate producer of the Wake-Up! Miami show. They even gave me a nameplate for my desk.”
Dorothy, reading: “Harold Goldstein, Associate Producer.”
Rose: “Isn't it exciting?”
Dorothy: “Oh, congratulations, Harold.”

Blanche: “Rose, could I see you for moment?”
Rose: “You're mad, aren't you?”
Blanche: “Rose Nylund, every man I know is watching this show. This live show. This live show about lesbian lovers of Miami.”
Rose: “Every man you know is watching?? Hey, we could beat The Price Is Right!”

Reel References
Blanche: “I realized something. Just because every man in my life thinks I'm a lesbian doesn't mean there aren't thousands and hundreds and millions of men out there who don't. [Doorbell Rings] That must be my melon man.”
Dorothy: “Zorro rides again.”
Blanche: “Chuck!”
Chuck: “Thumper!”
Rose: “Not exactly a Disney movie, is it?”

Golden Quotes
Blanche: “Dorothy, fess up. I know that was a man. I can always tell when a man calls 'cause you start sweatin' and get a bad case of the giggles.”
Dorothy: “I do not.” (giggles)

Sophia: “Ah, Mr. Gordon. Dorothy had a huge embarrassing crush on him. She was his slave. She graded his papers, did his laundry. Once, she even rotated his tires.”
Dorothy: “Boy, that stroke didn't make you forget a thing, did it, Ma?”

Mr. Gordon: “A lot of my ex-students were surprised that I wasn't older, but, uh, they failed to realize I started teaching right out of college. I really wasn't much older than they were.”
Dorothy: “Well, I--I guess when you're 17, 23 can seem dangerous and forbidden.”
Rose: “When you're 17, a cow can seem dangerous and forbidden… Am I alone here??”

Sophia: “Don't worry, Dorothy. I'll be on my best behavior. I won't say or do anything to embarrass you.
Oh, wait. Goofy pictures of Dorothy when she was a kid. Might as well have a couple of laughs over lunch.”

Blanche: “What's wrong with her?”
Rose: “Malcolm kissed her.”
Blanche: “My God, she's in shock.”
Dorothy: “He gave me flowers… from a store!”

Wake Up Miami Host: “Good morning and welcome to Wake Up Miami. Today, women who live together. Does society make it tougher? We'll find out when we talk to four lesbians today on Wake-Up Miami.”

Rose: “If I lose my job, I won't be able to do anything but sit home and tell St. Olaf stories.”
Blanche: “Blackmail. Oh very smart.”
Rose: “Hey, they don't call me Harold Goldstein for nothin’.”

Wake Up Miami Host: “We're back. Let's meet our panelists. Dorothy, a lesbian. Blanche, another lesbian. And Pat and Kathy, image consultants.”
Dorothy: “How come they're not lesbians?”
Pat: “We don't believe in labels.”

Wake Up Miami Host: “Oh, I see we have a question from the audience. Yes, sir.”
Man in Audience: “Are there male/female roles in the relationship?”
Blanche: “Well, I am the little homemaker, if that's what you mean.”
Dorothy: “Now, wait a minute. Just, li- and I take out the garbage.”
Wake Up Miami Host: “Fascinating.”

Blanche: “By the way, Dorothy, if I were a lesbian, I sure would be a popular one. Look at this, 20 calls. ‘Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the- Oh, what am I doin'? Listen to me. Rose, I could just strangle you.”
Rose: “So you're still miffed?”
Blanche: “Well, I don't mind bein' labeled a lesbian, honey, but since I'm not, you just ruined my social life.”
Rose: “Oh, go ahead. Blanche, I'm a bubblehead and I deserve to die. I said I'm a bubblehead and I deserve to die.”
Dorothy: “And it was worth repeating.”

Dorothy: “Oh, all right. I admit it. I do have a little crush, but his kiss just took me by surprise. You know, at first, I didn't think he was going to do it. He looked more like he was going to wink, but then he slanted his head just slightly to the left.”
Blanche: “Oh, I know that slant.”
Sophia: You know every slant. So why don't you let my daughter finish her one kissing story of the year?”
Dorothy: “Thank you, Ma.”
Sophia: My pleasure, meal ticket.”
Dorothy: “It was at that point that I realized his head was coming toward me.”
Rose: “Were his eyes open or closed?”
Dorothy: “Open. And then he landed. I thought, ‘Oh, Mr. Gordon! Oh, if only Cynthia Costello was here to see this.’”
Blanche: “Kinky.”

Chuck: “I understand that you're this way because you've probably never been with a real man.”
Sophia: “Dorothy, do I wet myself or laugh?”
Chuck: “All you need is to be loved by someone who knows how. Someone who will take his time and then show you passion beyond your wildest dreams.”
Blanche: “Dorothy, it's over between us.”
Dorothy: “Blanche!”
Blanche: “Dorothy, now don't try to stop me. Don't you see I have to try this?”
Dorothy: “Oh, all right, Blanche. I—I understand.”
Chuck: “You're a good sport.”
Dorothy: “You just take care of her.”

Sophia: “You know what I call my pillow? Sal. Sometimes I hug it. Sometimes it lays there like a big lump, just like your father. That's how I keep him alive.”
Dorothy: “That's lovely, Ma.”
Sophia: “You know what I call my other pillow? Dino. But that's another story. I'll tell you about it when you're, oh, about 70.”
Dorothy: “I'll be here.”
Sophia: “So will I, pussycat. So will I.”

Pat: “Hi, I don't know if you remember me. My name is Pat. I was on Wake Up Miami with you last week.”
Dorothy: “Oh, yes, yes, of course. What can I do for you?”
Pat: “I heard about you and Blanche.”
Dorothy: “I'm sorry. It's too soon. Too soon.”

What the hell is with image consultants? Pat and Kathy seemed like they were really in love and now that Dorothy and Blanche have called it quits Pat thinks she can just swoop Dorothy off her feet? Or maybe she just wants Dorothy for SEX GAMES?? But I digress. Who the hell doesn’t absolutely love this infamous episode? Sure it’s called “Goodbye Mr. Gordon” but the only important storyline is that of Dorothy and Blanche being mistaken for lesbians on local daytime TV. Everything about the Wake Up Miami sequence is brilliant, from Dorothy sitting there befuddled with her bouquet of flowers, to the whole image consultant thing, to Sophia asking probing questions (and Dorothy’s response about THE HOME), to Rose being called Harold Goldstein. The look on Dorothy’s face throughout this whole scene is the entire reason why Bea Arthur is a freaking TV legend. And all Rose cares about is possibly beating The Price is Right in the ratings. Sometimes I think about how Rose could be dumb enough to think that the other producers of the show wanted women who “loved each other and slept together” and didn’t assume lesbians. But then again we recall from the Jean episode that Rose most likely didn’t know what a lesbian was but could of “looked it up.” Fun Fact: Golden Girls stage manager Kent Zbornak appears in this episode as one of the crew members of Wake Up Miami. GRADE: A