Monday, September 11, 2017

Have Yourself a Very Little Christmas S5E12

Synopsis: The girls volunteer at a church to feed poor people on Christmas and Stan shows up having lost all his money.

80s Flashback
Blanche: “Rose, could you use some extra help?”
Rose: “Oh we could use all the help we can get.”
Dorothy: “Then I'm going with you.”
Blanche: “Hey, count me in. Since I didn't get a gift I have to bury out in the backyard, well I'm feeling all Christmasy too.”
Dorothy: “Ma, are you coming?”
Sophia: “But I rented Scarface! Oh all right, I'll go too.”

Musical Moments
Blanche: “Rose, for the past half-hour you've been humming Jingle Bells and yelling 'Hey!' Now, why must you do that?”
Rose: “Because it's too hard to hum the 'Hey!'”

Let’s Get Political
Dorothy: “Rose, why are the Christmas cookies in the shape of American flags and Liberty Bells?”
Rose: “I couldn't find the Christmas cookie-cutters, so I used the Fourth of July cookie-cutters instead.”
Sophia: “I wonder where President Bush stands on eating the flag?”

That’s What She Said
Rose: “I hope it's all right. Dorothy said you'd like something crotchless.”

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Stan: “Hi. It's me, Stan. I brought you a gift.”
Dorothy: “Oh, why, thank you, Stanley. Oh, and look, there's a little card. 'Merry Christmas, Sports Illustrated subscriber.'”
Stan: “You don't have a baseball radio, do you, Dorothy?”

Lewd Ladies
Dorothy: “Oh, you could charm the pants off anybody. I have to believe that, otherwise, I was... easy.”

Zbornak Zingers
Dorothy: “Rose, I have to tell you about Christmas. It is too hot to shop, the stores are mobbed, and there are only two days left. So we've decided to draw names out of a hat. And that way, each of us only has to buy one gift.”
Rose: “But, Dorothy, I love shopping, and I love giving gifts. And besides, if we draw names out of a hat, whose names are they gonna be anyway?”
Dorothy: “The Oak Ridge Boys, Rose!”

Oh Shut Up, Rose!
Dorothy: “Go ahead, Blanche.”
Blanche: “OK. OK, I buy for... Dorothy.”
Dorothy: “Oh, yes! Yes, yes, yes!!”
Rose: “Boy, Blanche, I didn't realize you were such a big spender.”
Sophia: “Go ahead, Dorothy, you go.”
Dorothy: “OK, I buy for... Ma!”
Sophia: “Yes! Ha ha!”
Rose: “This really was a good idea. This is really fun.”
Blanche: “Oh shut up, Rose!”
Rose: “I buy for… Rose.”
Blanche: “Oh, thank you God!”

Insult Watch
Rose: “You know, I've been thinking.”
Blanche: “Oh that would explain the beads of sweat.”

Tales from the Old South
Blanche: “You know, being here reminds me of my favorite Christmas back in 1951, which I spent at the USO, making a better Christmas for our boys getting ready to leave for Korea. I gave those servicemen something even Mr. Bob Hope himself could not give them.”
Dorothy: “A rash?”
Blanche: “Doughnuts, Dorothy. Big Daddy was part-owner of a doughnut shop. Did you really think this was gonna be a story about sex? This is a beautiful Christmas story, Dorothy. Now that really hurts me.
Dorothy: “Oh I'm sorry, Blanche.”
Blanche: “Well, anyway, after the boys had their doughnuts... Actually, at this point, it does change more into a Veterans Day story.”

Product Placement
Dorothy: “When I think of Christmas, I think of Christmas in New York. The decorations in Macy's window, the show at Radio City, skaters on the ice at Mitsubishi Center.”

Sassy Sophia
Blanche: “Sophia, you were just putting me on about those eels, right?”
Sophia: “Please! In Sicily, it wouldn't be Christmas without a plate of eels. Eels and larks.”
Blanche: “Larks?? Honey, larks aren't eatin' birds, they're singin' birds.”
Sophia: “They don't sing long in Sicily.”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “I sure miss a traditional St. Olaf Christmas.”
Dorothy: “Uh excuse me Rose, do we have time to run out and get hit by a bus?”
Rose: “First there'd be the Christmas pageant, with the shepherds and the angels and the two wise men.”
Blanche: “There were three wise men, Rose.”
Rose: “Not in St. Olaf. Then we'd all go down to the town square and try to form a circle. And then we'd all go home and smoke kippers.”
Blanche: “Why, Rose?”
Rose “Because it's the best way to get your house to smell like kippers. And then in keeping with the spirit of Christmas, it was traditional to let all the animals sleep inside that night. And then, the next morning, the rumors would start. And they'd continue until New Year's, and we'd all make resolutions that it would never happen again. But then, the next year, all it took was a little eggnog and one wise guy saying, 'What the hell! It's Christmas!'”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “I can't remember feeling this proud of myself so early in the evening.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Reverend Avery: “Well, before we open the doors, I just wanna thank you all for taking time away from your own Christmas to provide Christmas for some that are less fortunate. We promise to turn away no one, remembering how Mary and Joseph were turned away at the inn.”
Rose: “Reverend Avery, it's always puzzled me. Why didn't Mary and Joseph call ahead for reservations? Surely they must have realized how impossible it is to get a hotel room during the Christmas season.”
Reverend Avery: “I guess that's one for the theologians, Rose.”

What, We Can't Learn From History?
Stan: “Everything is getting out of East Berlin except my fire engines.”

From Feud to Food
Sophia: “I can never get used to serving turkey for Christmas dinner - it's so un-Sicilian.”
Blanche: “What did you serve?”
Sophia: “Eels.”
Blanche: “Eels??”
Dorothy: “Yeah, it's true. Eels are a traditional part of a Sicilian Christmas.”
Sophia: “Of course, after Christmas, it's eel croquettes, eel hash, eel tetrazzini.”

What Do I Look Like, a Cross Dresser?
Sophia: “Your brother Phil, God rest his brain, gives the worst presents in the world. What kind of gift is dental floss?”
Rose: “Well, it's waxed and mint-flavored.”
Sophia: “Here, go floss yourself. This stinks, after the swell gift I sent him.”
Blanche: “What was it?”
Sophia: “A catalog item.”
Blanche: “L.L. Bean?”
Sophia: “Victoria's Secret.”

Literary Intelligentsia
Sophia: “It's a nightmare. We've been visited by the yutz of Christmas past.”

Reel References
Dorothy: “I guess I just have this thing about giving gifts that are more fun than the ones my grandparents used to give me. Ma, do you remember that Christmas they gave me soap in the shape of the Seven Dwarfs?”
Blanche: “Well, now what's wrong with that?”
Dorothy: “What kid wants to play with soap? Besides, after a couple of baths they looked like seven suppositories.”

The Boob Tube
Dorothy: “Do you remember the Christmas we were so broke that you actually convinced the kids that Christmas was the 26th, and then you went out and got a Christmas tree from somebody's garbage? You trimmed it with gum wrappers and pull tabs. And then you turned on the television, and they were playing 'Jim Thorpe: All American,' and you told the kids it was 'King of Kings.'”
Stan: “And they believed it, too.”
Dorothy: “Right up to the part where Jesus had his Olympic medals taken away for playing professional baseball.”

Golden Quotes
Dorothy: “You know, Robbie wants a Batman hat. I went to six different stores. They were all sold out. I finally went to one store where they had one hat left, and another woman saw it. Oh! I cannot believe a person would push a perfect stranger out of the way, step on her hand, and give her an elbow to the forehead just for a Batman hat. But I did it anyway.”

Dorothy: “Stanley, why are you really here?”
Stan: “I am going to make all you women wealthy.”
Dorothy: “How come whenever my ship comes in, it's leaking?”

Rose: “I don't wanna spoil the surprise. But in a couple of weeks someone in this room is gonna know how to yodel!”

Rose: “Like we say in St. Olaf, Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund's Day without the headless boy!”

Blanche: “What are you gonna do?”
Dorothy: “I'm gonna go and try to make Stan feel like a whole man again.”
Rose: “Anything you need?”
Dorothy: “Yes, half a man.”

Dorothy: “You made me believe in Santa Claus again.”
Sophia: “Me, too.”
Rose: “Not me - I knew it was Stan all along.”

Stan: “I have a new idea for a great novelty. It's a decorated Easter egg with a window in it. And when you look into it, you see a beautiful Easter scene.”
Blanche: “Well that's not a new idea. Those Easter eggs have been around for years and years.”
Stan: “Yes, but this one leaves a black circle around your eye.”
Dorothy: “That practically screams Easter.”

Ah the second of two Christmas-themed GG episodes (And the last episode of the 80s). Except this time they try to shove a Very Important Message down our throats. Again. First off, why haven't they bought each other Christmas gifts yet if there are only two days until Christmas? And why exactly is it “too hot to shop?” Are they combing outdoor flea markets in 100 degree weather for presents? What is this Baghdad? Have you ever heard of air conditioning Dorothy? And if you're so goddamned hot take off that goddamned sweater! But I digress. Christmas. It's about joy. Happiness. Positivity. Love. I think I slightly prefer this Christmas episode to the season two episode (though the earlier one gets extra points for the classic Men of Blanche's Boudoir calendar scene). I like the concept of them buying gifts for each other, and how Blanche dreads getting Rose's gift. Which ends up being a crotchless blouse. Dorothy has some particularly strong moments here. She has some great, sarcastic lines that haven't been this acidic since the second or third season. There are some truly great moments at the church kitchen including one of my favorite moments being the joke about Mary and Joseph. (And who else tries to picture Dorothy running out trying to get hit by a bus?) This is also the one where Rose mentions the holiday St. Sigmund's Day. It's probably one of the most random St. Olaf holidays ever mentioned on the show. At least Hay Day makes some sort of sense. I think. Oh and lastly there's this: “When the 'great communicator' talked about his vision of a city on a hill, I wonder if it included people sleeping on gratings in the street.” Burn, Mr. Bush, burn. GRADE: A-


  1. Reagan was known as the "Great Communicator" who talked about the "city on a hill". But alas, his presidency was still very recent at this point, and Bush was carrying his mantle.

  2. So does anyone else picture a scene we don't see, where Rose asks Dorothy for advice about what to get Blanche that she'd like, and Dorothy being like, "I think she'd like something crotchless" but in the same manner of "Maybe it was from their wedding album" when she's describing the picture Blanche mentions in the scene about the Duncan Osgood murder case.