Synopsis: A
soldier who Blanche had “dated”
returns from the Persian Gulf and she can’t remember
him; Rose helps Sophia write her will.
90s Flashback
Sophia: “You try
to do right by your kids and you end up as the lead story on Hard
Copy.”
Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: “Dorothy,
tonight, when I was dancing in his arms, it hit me. One minute I was
worried about my hair, the next I was in love. Bill is the most
romantic man I've ever known.”
Dorothy: “She
always says that when they give her a hat.”
Product Placement
Bill: “I used to
put the Haley's M-O on the bottom, nothing. Then I put it eye level.
The public went nuts. It was walking out of the store. People will
bend for aspirins. They won't bend for laxatives.”
Blanche: “Isn't
that fascinating, Bill.”
Sophia: “So, Bill,
what's on sale?”
Bill: “Breast
pumps.”
Sophia: “What
else?”
Bill: “Afro
Sheen.”
Sophia: “Movin’
on.”
Bill: “Preparation
H.”
Sophia: “Hot
damn.”
Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “I, Sophia
Petrillo, being of sound mind and body, do hereby leave my daughter,
Dorothy Zbornak, nothing!”
Rose: “Sophia!”
Sophia: “It's a
joke. I'm kidding. Like when I said ‘sound mind and body.’”
Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “Sophia,
wills are no joking matter. Charlie tried to be funny with his and
left everything to Henrietta, our prized cow. Well, some lawyer got a
hold of the will and represented Henrietta on contingency. There I
was presenting my side to a jury of her peers. It took over
six months to get the farm back.”
Sophia: “What a
terrible story. I mean it. It's a terrible story. But you must have
been relieved when you won.”
Rose: “Oh yeah. We
celebrated. With a big, thick steak.”
…
Rose: “I hated
that cow. I still don't think she should have been awarded the car.
Not that she got to use it.”
Best of B.E.D.
Bill: “I know we
said we wouldn't even look at anybody else. But the first night the
sirens went off, I got scared. And there was this nurse that I talked
to.”
Blanche: “Oh, how
could you, Ben, Bob, uh, Bill?”
Bill: “I swear, it
didn't mean a thing.”
Blanche: “Was she
beautiful?”
Bill: “Not as
beautiful as you.”
Blanche: “Well,
I--I, too, have a confession to make. I got scared too. Three, four
times a week.”
From Feud to Food
Dorothy: “Rose,
it's late. What are you doing up?”
Rose: “I'm just
cleaning up some things on your mother's will.”
Dorothy: “Oh you mean the legal language?”
Dorothy: “Oh you mean the legal language?”
Rose: “No. I
spilled some sauce.”
Dorothy Zbornak is
My Spirit Animal
Sophia: “As you
know, my child, I'm getting on in years and I've decided it's time
for me to settle my estate.”
Dorothy: “What
estate? Your loofah sponge and bus pass?”
Dorothy: “I was up
all night thinking of how Ma's been hoarding all those checks from
Phil and Gloria, while I've had to go without.”
Blanche: “Well
now Dorothy, you really can't blame Sophia for your sex life.”
Dorothy: “That's
not what I'm talking about, but since you brought it up, yes, I can.
If I'd had the money, I could have been living in a swinging condo,
instead of with - I better not say anything till I've had my coffee -
A SLUT AND A MORON. I'm sorry, it must be decaf.”
What, We Can’t
Learn From History?
Bill: “Blanche, I
have a confession to make. It's not easy. But something happened over
there and I think you should know about it.”
Blanche: “Well, I
did keep pretty well up with what went on over there. I saw
Schwarzkopf on the Bob Hope special.”
The Boob Tube
Sophia: “Dorothy,
Rose is helping me make out an ironclad will.”
Dorothy: “Wait,
you're using Rose as a lawyer?”
Rose: “I know what
I'm doing. Every Thursday, I watch La Law.”
Dorothy: “That's L
A Law.”
Rose: “I wondered
why Susan Dey didn't have a French accent.”
Dorothy: “Do you
have any idea what she's talking about, or do we have to up her
medication?”
Rose: “I do know
what she's talking about, but I can't tell you. I couldn't violate
the attorney-client privilege. Especially when we're talking about a
sum as large as $35,000.”
Dorothy: “$35,000??”
Rose: “And four
gold teeth. Oops.”
Sophia: “Nice
going, counselor. Exactly how close to the television are you sitting
when you're watching La Law?
Dorothy: “From now
on, I'm not paying for anything. You are on your own.”
Sophia: “You can't
do this to me. You never touch the principal. That money's for my old
age.”
Dorothy: “Old age?
You don't leave fingerprints anymore.”
Sophia: “I'm in my
twilight years.”
Dorothy: “You're
in The Twilight Zone. Hopi Indians are walking around saying, ‘How
does she do it?’ Ma, you're cut off.”
Golden Quotes
Sophia: “Don't
forget the four gold teeth when your father worked at the funeral
parlor. ‘Perks,’ he called them. That's the stock you come from.”
Dorothy: “I come
from grave robbers?”
Sophia: “Grave
robber, entrepreneur. Potato, potahto. We had a family to feed.”
…
Sophia: “Don't
fall for it, Blanche. Sal didn't come home from World War II till
1951.”
Rose: “Where was
he stationed?”
Sophia: “In the
attic.”
Dorothy: “Ma, you
told me he was in the arctic.”
Sophia: “The
attic, the arctic. Tomato, tomahto. He had a family to feed.”
Blanche: “Well,
anyway, this soldier really did go to the war, and he's gonna be here
any minute, and I don't know what to do 'cause I can't remember him.
All he said on the phone was that he had a great time with me the
night before he left.”
Dorothy: “Oh, then
it's got to be... anybody.”
[doorbell rings]
Dorothy: “Ah,
there's your unknown soldier now.”
Blanche: “Oh
Dorothy, would you please get the door? And find out his name.”
Rose: “Blanche,
what are you so worried about? The minute you see him, you'll
remember.”
Blanche: “Rose,
he's gonna be standing up with his clothes on. He could be…”
Dorothy: “Anybody.”
Sophia: “Can I
come?”
Dorothy: “Sure,
Ma.”
Sophia: “Oh boy.
We're going to the living room!”
Bill: “Hello, is
Blanche here?”
Dorothy: “Yes she
is. Uh, whom shall I say is calling?”
Bill: “This is
kind of embarrassing. Would you mind telling her Loverboy is here?
Dorothy: "Nothing would give me greater pleasure. Uh, Blanche! Loverboy is here!”
Dorothy: "Nothing would give me greater pleasure. Uh, Blanche! Loverboy is here!”
Bill: “Blanche!”
Blanche: “Loverboy!”
Dorothy: “Not a
clue.”
Sophia: “You know
about the will. You know if I die you'll be on easy street. What did
you do, Dorothy, slip cyanide into my mouthwash? Ha, ha! The joke's
on you, I don't use it.”
Dorothy: “Oh, Ma,
come on. You're just being silly. Here, have some tea. It'll relax
you.”
Sophia: “Nice try,
Dorothy. Rose, you taste it.”
Dorothy: “Rose,
don't! That tea was for my mommy.”
Rose: “Good
morning, Dorothy.”
Dorothy: “Don't
start, Rose, okay?”
Rose: “Oh, I'm
sorry. That good morning crack was way outta line.”
Blanche: “My
handsome soldier from last night is a pharmacist, a name-tag wearing,
pill-counting, ‘Thank you, come again. Sorry, we don't validate,’
pharmacist.”
Dorothy: “Well if
he doesn't validate, get rid of him.”
Dorothy: “You
know, ever since we've known you, you have never once worked on
having a meaningful relationship.”
Blanche: “I have
had many meaningful relationships. Many, many, many meaningful
relationships.”
Dorothy: “Sharing
a worm from a tequila bottle is not meaningful.”
Security officer:
“Uh, sir? I caught this old lady assaulting a man over the last
tube of Preparation H. The tube broke and it's all over aisle 7. I
detained her for scooping up the rest of the ointment and putting it
in her purse.”
Blanche: “Sophia!”
Sophia: “Oh big
deal. The other guy got away scot-free, and he wriggled in
it.”
Critique:
Anyone else notice the full-on laugh orgasm the woman in the audience
has when Blanche says the line “Look who I’m talkin’ to?” And
then she screams again when Dorothy offers tea to Sophia. I wonder
where that lady is today? But I digress. So my burning question for
this episode is, will a pharmacist really just give away medicine to
a woman for her son and he doesn’t even know what’s really wrong
with him? He tells the lady to give her son this medicine and if it
doesn’t work to see the doctor. He’s got the whole thing backwards
just like Becky and her wanting to give birth in a bedroom. I digress
again. I actually really like this episode even though Blanche is
sort of being a dick for being disgusted by Bill’s profession.
I mean, it's not like the guy is homeless or anything. Dorothy gets a lot of really funny lines here especially her “slut
and a moron” crack which is a classic. There is plenty of good
stuff that comes out of the B story about Sophia’s will, though to
be honest, why is a woman nearing 90 years old just
now writing out her will? I guess better late than pregnant! And finally, who else wants to know whether Preparation H is potent enough to shrink a purse? Paging Mr. Wizard. Note:
this is the first time in the end credits scene that we get bloopers which hilariously include Sophia rambling off alternate versions of her "I, Sophia Petrillo, leave my daughter..."
GRADE: A-
Funny tidbit (whether intentional or not) is that in Blanche's line “Oh, how could you, Ben, Bob, uh, Bill?” the names are the same as the names in the story about her losing her virginity. "That night under the dogwood trees, the air thick with perfume, and me with Billy... or Bobby? Yeah, Bobby. Yeah, it was Bobby... or was it Ben? Oh, who knows! Anyway, it started with a B!”
ReplyDeleteThe writers loved their B alliteration... IE, babblin’ bubble-headed bleach blond.... baboon! (She needed a B!)
DeleteLi'l correction: It's Dorothy, rather than Bill, who says "Nothing would give me greater pleasure."
ReplyDeleteFixed, thanks!!
DeleteFrom Feud to Food should go like this--
ReplyDeleteDorothy: “Rose, it's late. What are you doing up?”
Rose: “I'm just cleaning up some things on your mother's will."
Dorothy: "Oh you mean the legal language?”
Rose: “No. I spilled some sauce.”
Duh. Fixed thanks. I need to hire Dorothy to edit this thing.
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