Old Boyfriends S7E14

Synopsis: An old boyfriend from St. Olaf visits Rose but she can’t remember him; Sophia meets a man in the personals and gets more than she bargained for.

Crazy Continuity

Rose says she wasn’t allowed to start dating until she was a senior in high school, but in an earlier episode she talks about her mother telling her to wait and get sophisticated and get married at 15 like her sisters.

Also, Rose allegedly brought 56 men to a fevered pitch of uncontrollable ecstasy and yet she never saw a man’s penis until her wedding night with Charlie? Sure, Jan.

Lewd Ladies

Dorothy: “Marvin, what the hell is going on here?”

Sophia: “Isn't it obvious? They put an ad in the magazine to lure an unsuspecting cutie like me into their web of sex games. They want me to be their love slave!”

Zbornak Zingers

Dorothy: “Our hearts go out to both of you, and as soon as Ma and I have talked, we'll get back to you.”

Sarah: “So you'll seriously consider this?”

Dorothy: “Well, of course, we will. How could we not? [closes door] WHAT A PAIR OF LOONS!”

Insult Watch

Blanche: “Rose, you remembered. A kiss unlocked your memory.”

Rose: “One doesn't forget a kiss like that.”

Blanche: “Oh, that's so romantic.”

Rose: “No, it isn't. That man didn't know how to kiss 40 years ago, and he doesn't know how to kiss today.”

Sassy Sophia

Sophia: “Play hard to get. Play hard to get. Play hard to get. Take me here. Take me now!”

Rose: “Sophia, don't you think you might be rushing things?”

Sophia: “Please! The man is 86. Right now, it's a race between me and the blood clot in his leg to see who gets him first.”

Best of B.E.D.

Rose: “Blanche, would you mind? We're going to need our privacy.”

Blanche: “Now, Rose, that's not fair. I want to see you dump him. Well, I let you watch when I broke up with my last guy.”

Rose: “No, you didn't.”

Blanche: “Oh, really? Well, I have it on videotape. Would you like to see it?”

Lesbian. Lesbian? LESBIAN??

Marvin: “I know you and your daughter must have a lot of questions.”

Sophia: “You bet we do. And by the way, Dorothy's not my daughter. She's my lesbian lover.”

Dorothy: “Ma!”

Sophia: “See, Marvin? How do you like it? Not a pretty picture, is it?”

Until the Buffalo Pooped…

Blanche: “Okay, here's another good one. ‘Recent widower seeks widow. I am handsome, intelligent, and possess great style. I am also incontinent but have learned to laugh about it.’”

Sophia: “Well, that's a keeper.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal

Dorothy: [opening the door to Sarah and Marvin] “I'm sorry, but I already know Jesus.”

Literary Intelligentsia

Blanche: “Sophia, listen, how about this one? ‘Elderly white male with broken hip seeks elderly white female. I am into massages, bran muffins, and the book Final Exit. Please respond quickly, or I'll do it, I swear I will!’”

Sophia: “Too much pressure. Moving on.”

Golden Quotes

Dorothy: “What is going on here?”

Sophia: “I'm looking through the personals to find myself a man. Remember what that is, Dorothy? It's an animal, kind of like a woman, except that it's got a-”

Dorothy: “Ma!”

Sophia: “Hey, listen to this. ‘Older gentleman seeks lady of refinement. I like moonlit nights, romantic Italian dinners and waking up in the morning. If you're old enough to remember when Sinatra was skinny, please send letter and photo.’ This is the one. He's perfect. I found myself a man.”

Rose: “Boy, it's finally beginning to happen. I'm getting old and forgetting things, forgetting people who, at one time, were important to me.”

Sophia: “Don't be ridiculous. You're as mentally fit as you ever were. We all are.”

Rose: “Oh, thank you...”

Sophia: “Sophia.”

Rose: “Sophia!”

Sophia: “You're welcome...”

Rose: “Rose.”

Sophia: “Rose!”

Dorothy: “Any wonder we get nursing-home brochures by the truckload?”

Sophia: “The guy from the ad will be here any second. How do I look?”

Dorothy: “Ma, you forgot to zip up your dress.”

Sophia: “I didn't forget. He's probably got arthritis. Why make it any harder?”

Blanche: “All right, now, Sophia, remember, honey, play hard to get. It drives a man crazy.”

Dorothy: “Read that somewhere, did you?”

Rose: “I haven't the slightest idea who that man is.”

Dorothy: “Rose, what is wrong with you? I mean, why didn't you just tell him that you don't know who he is?”

Rose: “And hurt an old friend? Boy, Dorothy, no wonder nobody likes you.”

Sophia: “Are you Marvin from the ad?”

Sarah: “Yes, he is. And are you Sophia?”

Sophia: “Well, he doesn't look like he'll kill me. Yeah, I'm Sophia, and only one little question remains. Who the hell are you??”

Sophia: “No visible means of life support. I like that in a man. Let's roll.”

Dorothy: “You know, I always hoped my mother would meet a nice couple.”

Rose: “What's your definition of a boyfriend?”

Blanche: “Any man you bring to a fevered pitch of uncontrollable ecstasy.”

Rose: “Oh… Fifty-six.”

Blanche: “Excuse me?”

Rose: “I had about 56 boyfriends. Of course, that was before I knew Charlie. I probably would of had more, but I wasn't allowed to start dating until I was a senior.”

Blanche: “Fifty-six? Fifty-six?”

Dorothy: “Oh God, stand back. She's gonna blow!”

Rose: “Hey, you can have a boyfriend without having to go all the way.”

Blanche: “You cannot! If that were true, Rose, that would mean you were a slut.”

Dorothy: “Oh, come on, Blanche, how can you say that? So the woman had 56 boyfriends in one year. She's not a slut.”

Blanche: “Thank you, Dorothy.”

Dorothy: “She is THEE slut. She's the Grand Pooh-Bah of Slutdom. She's the easiest woman in this room.”

Blanche: “Dorothy Zbornak, you take that back.”

Dorothy: “The slut is dead. Long live the slut.”

Sophia, entering the kitchen: “Okay, listen up. I've got man trouble, and I need advice from someone with experience.”

Blanche: “I'll be happy to help-”

Sophia: “I hear you're a tramp, Rose.”

Rose: “Mama was right, word gets around fast.”

Dorothy: “Listen, Ma, I have an idea. Why don't I go and pick up Marvin, bring him here, and that way, the two of you can be alone?”

Rose: “And Blanche and Thor and I will be out on the lanai, so you'll have the living room all to yourselves.”

Sophia: “You're all willing to do this?”

Dorothy: “Well, of course. Now, come on, let's go pick out the teeth you'll wear tonight.”

Sophia: “I just want you to know, Marvin, since this is our fourth date, I wouldn't blame you if you tried to steal a little kiss.”

Marvin: “That's because you're very understanding.”

Sophia: “Maybe I'm being a little too subtle here. Give me your hand, Marvin. Now, what do you feel?”

Marvin: “A MedicAlert tag?”

Sophia: “It's my heart. Can't you feel it pounding?”

Dorothy: “Would anyone here care for an-”

Sophia: “Get out! Get out! Get out!”

Sophia: “Dorothy, you can come in now.”

Dorothy: “I thought the two of you would like some nice, cool lemonade.”

Sophia: “Marvin is married to Sarah.”

Dorothy: “You don't get any lemonade.”

Sarah: “Hi, I've come to pick up my brother.”

Sophia: “Well, if it isn't Mrs. Caligula. Come on in and pull up a whip!”

Dorothy: “Why did you lie to my mother?”

Sarah: “I didn't want to lie. We were going to tell the truth as soon as we were sure that Sophia was the one we wanted.”

Dorothy: “Then it is true! You wanted my mother for sex games! Oh, God, this is so unbelievable.”

Sophia: “It's not that unbelievable.”

Thor: “Oh, I I feel so stupid, so incredibly stupid. Do you know what it's like to feel this stupid??”

[Blanche laughs, Rose pushes the door into Blanche’s face]

Blanche: “Ow!”

Dorothy: “I guess we've all learned something from this.”

Sophia: “Yeah, you can never really replace someone you've lost, and the next time I answer an ad, it'll be from one of Blanche's magazines. Those people know what they want!”

Critique: This episode is hands down an orgy of fantastically funny GG quotes. So as it turns out the big twist in this episode is that Sophia and Dorothy aren’t mother and daughter, they’re actually lesbian lovers! Kidding. Does anyone else just LOVE the way Dorothy says, “SEX GAMES??” I digress. This episode is a delight from start to finish. It’s got enough of season 7’s trademarked zaniness but just enough reality to make it not too outlandish. It’s relatively restrained by season 7 standards. I’m not really sure I buy Rose not remembering Thor but then again we did find out that Rose had 56 boyfriends so who knows! The fact that Blanche has nothing to really do this episode except be insulted when Dorothy says she’s no longer THEE slut is simply too good for words. And another thing, why is it that when the ladies have guests over, they always stop over to say hi to the girls for two seconds and then they go back to the hotel to get settled? Just go to your stupid hotel, call the girls, and then come over. Jesus. But I digress. Sophia’s storyline with Marvin and Sarah is equally cute and weird. But the scene after Marvin reveals the truth to Sophia is so priceless. And watching Dorothy’s eyes cross as she exclaims “What a pair of loons!” is Bea Arthur at her best. I love this episode so much, it’s definitely deserves a glass of lemonade. GRADE: A