Thursday, December 20, 2018

Hey, Look Me Over S7E1

Synopsis: Rose uncovers a photo of her husband Charlie in bed with Blanche; Dorothy urges Sophia to have her hearing checked.

90s Flashback
Rose: “I'm talking about this picture.”
Blanche: “Oh my God, where did you find this? Oh, I'm so embarrassed. My hair, it looks like a helmet... It's all bunched up and pointy. Honey, you gotta burn this. I look like The Rocketeer.”

Crazy Continuity
It’s finally revealed that Blanche’s married name initials spell BED (Blanche Elizabeth Devereaux) but in the episode with Blanche’s Mammy she calls her Blanche Marie Hollingsworth.

Also, this entire episode revolves around Sophia not wanting to get her hearing checked but in “The Impotence of Being Ernest” she says she can hear a canary break wind in Lauderdale when her hearing aid is turned up to ten.

Musical Moments
Dorothy: “I'll drop the film off when I pick up our tickets to the Philharmonic today.”
Sophia: “Philharmonic?”
Dorothy: “Yep. Beethoven's Sonata No. 29, one week from tonight, just you and me under the stars. Ma, aren't you excited?”
Sophia: “I'm lactating.”

Rose: “Say, where is old Happy-pants?”
Dorothy: “She and Ma went to the Philharmonic.”
Rose: “I thought you were going to that.”
Dorothy: “Why bother? It's not like I'd be able to enjoy it.”
Rose: “True. On the other hand, Beethoven was also deaf, so you'd be hearing the music the way he wrote it.”

Let’s Get Political
Sophia: “Oh, my God, we're being bugged. Who is it? Immigration??”
Dorothy: “Ma what are you talking about?”
Sophia: “Uh, happy? Uh. I'm, uh, I'm happy, all right, happy to be a citizen of the United States of America.”
Dorothy: “Ma, you are a citizen.”
Sophia: “That's right, Dorothy. As far as we know, I am a citizen, a citizen of the US of A, uh home of presidents like, um, Ford, uh Lincoln.. Help me out here, Dorothy.”
Dorothy: “Bush, Ma.”
Sophia [talking into a potted bush]: “Oh, and Reagan.”

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Blanche: “Take it easy, Rose.”
Rose: “How can I? What do you think this makes me feel like?”
Dorothy: “What?”
Sophia [using bullhorn]: “She said, ‘What do you think this makes me feel like?’”
Dorothy: “Ma!”
Sophia: “It's out of the park. Game over. I'm going to Disneyland.”
Rose: “How come she gets to go to Disneyland?”

Shady Pines, Ma
Dorothy: “Listen Ma, I made an appointment for you for 2:00 this afternoon. Either you go and get your hearing checked, or I will make life miserable for you.”
Sophia: Oh come on. You said the exact same things to me before you took me to Shady... I'll go pretty up.”

Lewd Ladies
Rose: “I'd probably end up calling her a slut.”
Dorothy: “Oh, come on. Honey, slut is a little harsh. I mean, Blanche isn't that bad.”
Blanche [enters limping]: “Oh my God, I can barely walk!”
Dorothy: “Although slut does have a documentary feel to it.”

Zbornak Zingers
Rose: “Blanche, you've been under more drunken sailors than... than...”
Dorothy: “Oh now, Rose, don't drag me into this… a nautical toilet.”

Insult Watch
Rose [cleaning her Exercycle]: “What do you think, Blanche? Am I through with my cycle?”
Blache: “Well, I'd say menopause is a pretty good guess. You're about as puffy as the Pillsbury Doughboy.”

[Dorothy has her arms held out in front of the Merry Christmas banner]
Sophia: “Oh, I'm havin’ a vision. A religious vision. Oh God, it's so beautiful!”
Blanche: “Sophia please, our Savior wouldn't be caught dead in that outfit.”

Product Placement
Rose: “All right, that's it. I'm sick of this. I am not puffy. And there's no similarity between me and the Pillsbury Doughboy. Understand? None! [Sophia tickles her stomach] HEHE!”

Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “Now, you listen, Dorothy. I may not have your gift for word jumbles or your ability to float or your way of making small children weep.”
Dorothy: “But?”
Sophia: “Or your butt. Thank you. But there's one thing I do have.”
Dorothy: “Oh what's that, Ma?”
Sophia: “Two thousand shares of Xerox, which I bought at... My health. I've got my health.”

Sophia: “It's not a hearing aid that makes you old. It's what you're becoming by not getting one. Think of what you're missing, all the things I hear. The birds singing, the wind in the trees, the sound of the ticker tape telling you Xerox has gone up to... my health. Did I mention I've got my health?”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “Oh, look, my bullhorn! Oh, this is the only thing I have left from my one day as a Mountain Rangerette. Hey, you, get out of the pass. This is avalanche country.”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “You know, I just don't understand it. How could I not remember Charlie? Have I finally turned that corner? Have I finally become so jaded that I can no longer put the name with the face? Oh, listen to me. He was probably just lousy in bed.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Rope: “When I'm upset, everything comes out wrong. Face it, Dorothy, I don't have your quick wit, your conversation skills, your... Your way with... with”
Dorothy: “Words?”
Rose: “Words. Thank you.”

Until the Buffalo Pooped…
Dorothy: “Hi, Ma.”
[Dorothy plays tone on bullhorn]
Dorothy: “Aha!”
Sophia: “What, Aha?”
Dorothy: “You didn't hear that.”
Sophia: “Actually, I was just trying to be polite, but since you brought it up, excuse you.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Blanche: “Dorothy, you're the one who's been talkin' about aging with dignity.”
Dorothy: “Not for me. For her. I mean, look at her. The woman is hundreds of years old. She should be carbon-dated.”

Reel References
Dorothy: “Look, Ma, I am concerned. You're my mother. Can't you just check it out, please?” [Sophia laughs]
Dorothy: “What are you laughing at? I'm sorry. I thought you said, ‘I'm Mothra, giant radioactive insect. REE-REE-REE!!”
Dorothy: “I didn't, Ma.”
Sophia: “Too bad. It was a good impression.”

Sophia: “Actually, last night we went to see Dying Young. Terrific. I laughed till I peed. And then I laughed at that.”

The Boob Tube
Blanche: “I never met Charlie.”
Rose: “You not only met him. You slept with him, just like you sleep with everybody.”
Blanche: “I most certainly do not.”
Rose: “Oh, come on, Blanche. You've landed on your back more than… more than…”
Dorothy: “The American Gladiators.”

Golden Quotes
Rose [sorting coins]: “It's so hard to know what to leave here and what to put in storage.”
Sophia: “What are you doing, Rose?”
Rose: “Oh, I was just going through the change.”
Sophia: “Well, that explains the puffiness.”

Dorothy: “I picked up this pamphlet on the four warning signs of hearing loss. I think Ma may be having a problem… Warning sign number one, avoidance of social activities. Number two, people who can't hear act forgetful. Ma forgot about these tickets.”
Blanche: “Oh, that was just an excuse. Sophia's not really getting forgetful.”
Sophia [entering with an empty tray]: “Hot coffee! Coming through!”
Dorothy: “Number three, they act cranky.”
Sophia: “Ah, the hell with you. Get your own coffee.”
Dorothy: “Number four, they usually laugh out of context.”
[Sophia laughs]
Rose: “What are you laughing at?”
Sophia: “I'm sorry. I thought you said, ‘My dog has no nose.’ Well, how does he smell? Awful. Awful!”

Sophia: “Come on, Dorothy, I'm kidding. I read that flyer you brought home. Every time you get a pamphlet, I get that disease. And not just diseases. I thought for a while I was a Jew for Jesus.”
Rose: “Hi, Sophia.”
Sophia: “Shalom.”

Rose: “Why was Charlie with that tramp if he didn't sleep with her?”
Dorothy: “Now, come on. Blanche may be a little loose, but she's not a tramp.”
Blanche: “Okay, here they are. The names of all the men I have dated since my husband died.”
Dorothy: “What do you know? The tramp keeps records.”

Rose: “If you didn't sleep with any of the men in these journals, then how come it says Bed on the cover?”
Blanche: “Oh, that doesn't say Bed.”
Rose: “Right there, it does.”
Blanche: “Oh, silly, those are my initials. Blanche Elizabeth Devereaux.”
Dorothy: “Your initials spell BED??”
Blanche: “Okay, let's see. You said eight years ago, spring? That starts right here. I'm gonna prove to you I am not a sexually indiscriminate person.”
Dorothy: “Or her name isn't BED.”

Rose: “Wait a minute. It says right there you slept with a traveling salesman.”
Dorothy: “Oh, in fairness, it says that on her license plates.”

Blanche: “Rose, you know I said I'm sorry. Can't you put yourself in my position?”
Rose: “Apparently I'm not limber enough.”
[Rose looks at Dorothy for approval]
Dorothy: “THAT was good.”

Dorothy: “It matters because it's a step I don't wanna take. Look, I don't mind being divorced or having to struggle to pay my bills or having to eat my weight in supplements every morning, but I will not do this. I will not become an old person. [grabs shoulder] Ooo, rain's coming.”

Rose: “Charlie was the most important man in my life, but as much as I cared about him, I can't help but care about you too. You're like a sister to me, and I can't throw that away, so, I forgive you for being a moralless, emotionally needy, man-leech with an air bag in her headboard. And I'm sorry I said you were insensitive.”

Dorothy: “Look, here's Blanche in bed with Charlie, but this one's Blanche in bed with a pontoon boat. Here's Blanche in bed with the big orange from the Sunkist building, and here's Blanche in bed with the Country Bear Jamboree. Honey, do you know what this means??”
Rose: “I sure do. My God, you're an animal!”
Dorothy: “Rose, these are double exposures!”
Rose: “Double exposures??”
Dorothy: “Yes, obviously Blanche took pictures with the camera over film that was already in it.”
Blanche: “Well, how strange! And what a great alibi for the future.”
Rose: “But wait a minute. What were you doing taking pictures of yourself in bed?”
Dorothy: “You've seen her Christmas cards.”

Sophia: “Oh, you're beautiful. I told you, to me, you've always had the elegance of a young Lauren Bacall.”
Dorothy: “Oh, thank you, Ma… a young Bacall.”
Sophia “Amazing. Sixty years old and she still falls for that young Bacall bit.”
Dorothy [shouting from the other room]: “I heard that!”

Critique: Welcome to the wild and wacky 7th season. Arguably one of the most divisive seasons among fans (some think the show got too goofy and jumped the shark, while others prefer the strong wacky, character-driven writing and antics). I do love the seventh season but I admit that the show was obviously much different than it was in its earlier seasons. The show was much more slap-sticky by this point. There certainly weren’t many “important issues” episodes. The writers just wanted to have fun at this point and not make statements. This season opener is a fantastic transition to the show’s final season. “Arrested Development” creator Mitchell Hurwitz, who had joined the show in season 6, is firing on all cylinders in this first episode. He has lots of fun running gags, including the bit with Rose being puffy, great use of the bullhorn prop, and outright clever writing (“Bush, Ma!”). The thing is, this episode, like so many this season, feel like fan service. New viewers can’t really watch these episodes and enjoy them in the same way as someone who’s seen all the previous episodes. But that’s sort of what happens when a sitcom reaches this age: so many of the jokes only work if you’re familiar with the characters (that is especially true with the murder mystery episode coming up next). Having said all that “Hey, Look Me Over,” despite it having inconsistencies (so is Blanche’s middle name Marie or Elizabeth?), is a damn fine episode and offers plenty of really funny moments and endlessly quotable lines (“Or her name isn’t BED!”) GRADE: A-


Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Henny Penny – Straight, No Chaser S6E26

Synopsis: It’s Spring Break in Miami and Dorothy is producing a school play, but when the kids get sick she recasts it with her roommates… meanwhile Blanche deals with an angry ex who publishes her obituary. Sophia plays a chess by mail game with a friend from Sicily.

Musical Moments
Dorothy: “Well, I did once do a production of ‘Showboat’ in high school, and everyone said I was pretty good.”
Sophia: “No one can sing ‘Old Man River’ like my Dorothy.”
Frank: “Then you're saying you'll do it?”
Dorothy: “Well, it is my production, and as they say, ‘The show must go on.’”
Sophia: “Aw, Pussycat. It'll be like the old days. Come on, just one more time.”
Dorothy: “Get a little drunk and you land in ja-aaaaaaaaail... I still got it!”

Rose, as Henny Penny: “A piece of blue sky just fell on my head/The wherefore and why is best left unsaid/But I have a hunch and it's appalling/That like it or not, the sky is falling!”

Blanche, as Goosey Loosey: “A piece of up there just landed down here/You better beware, the message is clear/
Rose & Blanche: “Though millions may find the prospect galling/It's run for your life, the sky is falling!”

Dorothy, as Turkey Lurkey: “A piece of blue sky just did what they said/Don't stand there and sigh/Get under the bed
Rose, Blanche, & Dorothy: “Don't stop to complain, it's no good grumbling/‘Cause this isn't rain, the sky is crumbling”

All: “A piece of blue sky Just fell on her head/The wherefore and why are best left unsaid/But we have a hunch, and it's appalling/That like it or not, the sky is falling”
Rose: “Help! Disaster is near”
Blanche: “Help! We're tremblin' with fear”
Dorothy: “Help. The outlook is drear”
All: “We're dreadin' Armageddon may disrupt our career/And though he may refuse the news we bring/We must fly and try to warn the king”

Frank, as Foxy Loxy: “A piece of good luck just fell in my lap/Three strangers who cluck, well, it's their mishap/These friends who dropped in don't look suspicious/But check out my grin, they look delicious/To me these feathered fools are so much meat I and mine shall dine/Bon appetite”

Animal Alert
Rose: “All right, all right, I'll do it. And not just for the kids. I just feel it's time I gave something back to the chicken community. After all, a chicken once saved my life.”
Blanche: “They are the stupidest birds.”

Lewd Ladies
Dorothy: “You know, I'm actually looking forward to spring break this year.”
Sophia: “College kids. America's best and brightest are coming to town. It'll be nice to get mooned again.”

Picture It
Dorothy: “Here's a letter for you from Palermo.”
Sophia: “Oh, it's the latest chess move from my old rival Serafina Gambrotsi.”
Dorothy: “Ah, how long has this chess game by mail been going on? What, it must be ten years now, huh?”
Sophia: “And it's going to keep on going until I beat Serafina at something.”
Dorothy: “What are you talking about?”
Sophia: “Picture it. Sicily, 1920. Serafina and I were both crazy about Marco the Goat Boy. In appearance, an Adonis. In behavior, horny as a toad. Little did I know he had a thing for hairy fat girls. If I were fatter and hairier, Dorothy, Marco the Goat Boy could've been your father.”
Dorothy: “I think we all grieve. Ma, that was 70 years ago. I was sure you'd forgotten.”
Sophia: “I forget nothing. So, any mail?”

Sophia [narrating]: “Once upon a time on a beautiful spring day, Henny Penny was waking up from a nap under an oak tree when an acorn fell from the tree and hit her on the head. Funny, when I was a little girl in Sicily and they told this story, it was a safe that fell on her head.”

Insult Watch
Sophia: “You'd be perfect. Turkey Lurkey was your nickname in high school.”
Dorothy: “Ma, it was not.”
Sophia: “Really? That's what they called you at the PTA.”

Sophia [narrating]: “And off they went. On their way, Henny Penny and Goosey Loosey came upon Turkey Lurkey. Yes, poor lonely Turkey Lurkey. Poor dateless, hopeless, self-basting –”
Dorothy: “Ma!”

Product Placement
Blanche: “Well, they printed the retraction.”
Dorothy: “Let me see it… wait, I can't find it.”
Blanche: “Of course you can't. It's way down at the bottom in itty-bitty type.”
Dorothy: “Ah. Our ad in yesterday's paper should have read 'Sit Well Cortisone Salve Prevents Hemorrhoids, ' not 'Presents Hemorrhoids.’”
Blanche: “Below that.”

Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “78. Yes! 64. Yes! 81. Yes!”
Dorothy: “Ma, what are you doing?”
Sophia: “Reading the obituaries and checking out the people who died younger than I am now. 83. Close one.”

Back in St. Olaf
Dorothy: “How would you like to play Henny Penny?”
Rose: “Well, I have enjoyed playing a hen in the past.”
Dorothy: “Fill us in. Parade, honeymoon or religious ceremony?”
Rose: “Theater. The St. Olaf Masquers' production of Hamlet.”
Dorothy: “I don't right off recall a hen in Hamlet.”
Rose: “Oh we set the play in a barnyard. Luckily the symphony was out of town at the time.”

Blanche: “As Big Daddy used to say, ‘I'm feeling lower than the rent on a burnin' building.’”
Rose: “That's funny. I used to live in a burning building. And it was cheap. It was Charlie's and my first house. Well, scoff if you must, but it was warm and toasty. I'll never forget Charlie throwing me over his shoulder and dashing across the threshold. Oh it was a beautiful place. Three bedrooms, two baths. Then two bedrooms and one bath. Eventually we outgrew the place.”

Rose: “All I'm trying to say is we had fairy tales in St. Olaf that weren't violent, and they had positive role models. Like ‘Gus and the Recliner;’ ‘Gunilla Gets a Catalog;’ and ‘Ilsa, the Girl Who Could Make Bad Food Good.’”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Oh my gosh. It's only one week till spring break? And I have so much to do. I have to get new T-shirts for the wet T-shirt contest...”

Blanche: “Well, Frank Nann. I haven't seen you since that weekend in Pensacola.”
Frank: “Goosey Loosey!”
Blanche: “That's right. We did have fun, Squeezy Wheezy.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Frank: “Where are we going to find an adult with the childlike naivety to play Henny Penny?”
Rose: “Oh, you're not gonna believe it. I just saw a cloud that looked exactly like a cotton ball.”
Frank: “My God, she is Henny Penny.”

From Feud to Food
Frank: “Can I take it then that you will play Henny Penny?”
Rose: “I'm your chicken.”
Sophia: “Great, I'll set the oven for 425.”

Literary Intelligentsia
Dorothy: “We're doing Henny Penny. You know, ‘Help, help! The sky is falling.’”
Blanche: “Oh, that was never one of my favorites. There's no prince in it. I like a fairy tale with a nice prince in it. A handsome prince with a big ol' codpiece and deep dark eyes and powerful thighs and muscles rippling beneath his tunic.”
Dorothy: “Blanche, you could get aroused by Humpty Dumpty.”
Blanche: “Are you kiddin'? ‘All the king's horses and all the king's men.’ Handsome men with deep dark eyes and powerful thighs and muscles and big ol' codpieces.”
Dorothy: “Blanche, how do you make it through an omelet?”

Dorothy: “Fairy tales just show kids how complicated life can be, and it does it on their terms.”
Blanche: “I remember when I first read Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, it had a profound influence on me. Seven lonely men, livin' in the woods, needin' a woman. All of 'em with Napoleon complexes, somethin' to prove.”
Dorothy: “And jobs, Blanche. They all had jobs.”
Blanche: “In a diamond mine.”

Golden Quotes
Dorothy: “I'm talking about my school's project to get kids to read during spring vacation. We're putting on a series of plays based on favorite children's stories. And guess what. I have just been made producer of the first-grade production.”
Blanche: “This is all you have, Dorothy, so I'm going to be happy for you.”

Sophia: “You're dead. You must be. It says so in the paper.”
Blanche [reading]: “Blanche Devereaux. Age 68. (gasps) 68??”
Dorothy: “Oh, that's terrible. They're almost as far off on your age as you are…”
Blanche: “68! Can you believe that? 68!”
Dorothy: “And dead. Don't forget dead.”
Blanche: “68.”
Dorothy: “And dead.”
Blanche: “What are people gonna think?”
Sophia: “They’ll think it’s time to elect a new town slut.”

Dorothy: “Rose, you mean you didn't even look at the end of the play until today?”
Rose: “If there's one thing I remember about my wedding night, it's Charlie telling me it's impolite to peek.”

Dorothy: “Rose, the play isn't real. It's a fairy tale. Not all stories end happily, and children have to learn that.”
Rose: “You call yourself a teacher? It's people like you who are responsible for all the evil on this planet.”
Dorothy: “I guess I had that coming.”

Delivery man: “Flowers for Blanche Deverucks.”
Dorothy: “No, that's Devereaux. It's only pronounced Deverucks in limericks.”

Sophia [reading from Mel’s card to Blanche]: “P.S. Sorry I missed your birthday. Happy 68th.”
Blanche: “It doesn't say that.”
Sophia: “I know. I made that part up.”
Dorothy: “Ma, why are you always trying to aggravate everyone?”
Sophia: “To relax.”

Sophia [narrating]: “And off she went. On her way, Henny came upon Goosey Loosey, one of the most popular birds in the barnyard.”
Blanche: “THE most popular!”
Sophia: “And the eighth graders are seeing a play today about how to be that popular... safely.”

Rose: “Fine. But I just want you all to know there are monsters living under all your beds!”

Sophia: “Uh-oh. I don't think Serafina's a worthy opponent for me anymore.”
Rose: “Why not, Sophia?”
Sophia: “I'm afraid she's losing it. I just got her next chess move. She bid four spades.”

First of all, what the hell kind of name is Chugger Dietz? Who names their kid that? I just assume it’s a college nickname from his frat brothers and it stuck. But I digress. Two thirds of this episode is just funny fodder before they get the girls into ridiculous outfits. As Dorothy would say, “I can dig it.” The Henny Penny episode is either a love it or hate it affair. I fall in line with the former as I’ve always quite enjoyed watching the crazy bird antics of the film’s ridiculously stupid school play (but I always fast-forwarded past that Foxy Loxy drip). But who am I to judge because the kids loved the play: “It was good. Especially Turkey Lurkey.” Raves. I mean I do love Sophia breaking the fourth wall and making inappropriate STD jokes in front of first graders. This finale is the epitome of the silliness that is the sixth season of The Golden Girls. At this point the show was beyond really clever writing and story lines; the audience just wanted to see the ladies do silly stuff, which this episode delivers in spades. The four lead characters had been perfectly fleshed out and they were obviously comfortable in their roles. Except for Bea Arthur who wanted out at this point. I image she went something like this: “I am goddam Bea Arthur! And you have me parading around in a turkey outfit?? Eat me! Next season is my last!” I mean Dorothy was basically a punching bag for 7 years though Bea handled it wonderfully. Speaking of which, is anyone else fascinated with the various nicknames that Dorothy collected as a young person? Moose in elementary school and Turkey Lurkey in high school. I wonder what they called her in middle school? Kids and parents can be so cruel. GRADE: A-

Happy Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Never Yell Fire in a Crowded Nursing Home Parts 1 and 2 S6E24/25

Synopsis: A detective arrives to inform Sophia that she may be responsible for Shady Pines having burned down, so they do what anyone would do in this situation, stroll down memory lane. 

90s Flashback
Detective Parres: “Mrs. Petrillo, where were you on the night of September 4th, 1985?”
Sophia: “Did you see Awakenings? Throw a ball at me. How the hell should I know? I don't even remember what color underwear I'm wearing.”

Musical Moments
Herb: “If you think of anything else, please give me a call. I have to be at the courthouse at a quarter to three.”
Sophia: “There's no one in the place, except you and me. That's what we were singing that night. We were having a couple of Nyquil shooters and singing ‘One For My Baby.’ I remember.”

That’s What She Said
Herb: “It might take a couple of hours, so relax and get comfortable.”

Shady Pines, Ma
Dorothy: “Now think back. Shady Pines. What was the last thing that you remember before that fire?”
Sophia: “Meat loaf. Nine days in a row.”

Lewd Ladies
Herb: “...let's not forget there still has to be a trial, and Mrs. Heartgrove's confession is pretty strong. I just wish we had something that reflected on her credibility.”
Sophia: “What if we had a video of her and a friend mooning a hot dog vendor?”
Herb: “That would totally discredit her.”
Sophia: “Wait a minute. I just remembered who the friend was. Can't use it. Moving on.”

Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: “Herb, I'm aware of how important it is to make a good impression in court. Tell me, what do you think would move the jury more - cleavage or a lot of leg?”
Dorothy: “That depends on what you're going for - a chuckle or a guffaw.”

Insult Watch
Sophia: “They colorized him. Can you believe it? Let the man rest. He's got hair the color of Rose's and more rouge than Blanche.”
Blanche: “Whatever you think she did, she's guilty. I saw her.”

Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “So this is life on the outside. It's changed. You've all gotten so old.”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “It's a terrifying prospect to think about. Prison. The coldness of it, the steel bars, the wedges of cheese hanging overhead, tantalizingly just out of reach.”
Dorothy: “Let me guess - St. Olaf County Jail?”
Rose: “And deli.”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “My life is more than just sex and food. I take care of this house. Why, just the other day we had a leak, and the gas man came out. Oh, no, wait a minute. I guess that falls under sex.”
Rose: “And you did fix him a sandwich afterwards.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Herb: “Blanche, I think a conservative ensemble is in Sophia's best interest.”
Rose: “Oh, there'll be music?”

From Feud to Food
Sophia: “Nonsense. I don't even know what s'mores are.”
Rose: “You remember, Sophia. They're those little toasted graham cracker and chocolate sandwiches.”
Sophia: “With marshmallow. Don't forget the marshmallow. Whoops.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Rose: “Dorothy, can we look in on Sophia, too?”
Blanche: “She is like a mother to us.”
Dorothy: “I think she'd like that. Here's the key.”

What Do I Look Like, a Cross-Dresser?
Blanche: “Well, Sophia, how's it feel to be home?”
Sophia: “I feel like a free man.”
Rose: “Well, you didn't actually go to jail.”
Sophia: “OK, forget the free part. I feel like a man. I missed two estrogen shots, and I'm dying for a thick steak smothered in onions, a tall cold one, then going out and picking up a couple-”

Literary Intelligentsia
Rose: “Well, all's well that ends well.”
Blanche: “What?”
Rose: “It's a title of a Shakespeare play.”
Blanche: “Well Rose, nothing is well, and nothing has ended. Sophia's out on bail, awaiting her trial.”
Rose: “Well, if Dorothy had said it, you'd think it was brilliant.”

Reel References
Sophia: “I've got nothing to hide, copper. Or do you prefer flatfoot or gumshoe?”
Dorothy: “Before my mother lost it completely, she watched a lot of James Cagney.”

Golden Quotes
Dorothy: “Did you and Miles have fun last night?”
Rose: “Oh, yes. We had dinner at the Mandarin Rathskeller, that new Chinese-German restaurant.”
Dorothy: “How was it?”
Rose: “Oh, the food was good. But an hour later, Miles and I were both hungry. For power!”

Blanche: “Girls, this is Herb Shrewsbury, our lawyer.”
Sophia: “So, what are my chances, shyster? Or do you prefer ambulance chaser?”
Dorothy: “Ma, he's here to help you. Are you nuts?”
Sophia: “If it helps.”

Dorothy: “Ma won't come out of her room. She's miserable.”
Rose: “Just to keep me up to speed, Dorothy - it's this negligent arson rap and the prospect of her spending the rest of her waning years in jail thing, right?”
Dorothy: “No, it's the Rose in the kitchen thing.”

Rose: “Those stories made me hungry.”
Blanche: “They made me horny.”
Dorothy: “I'll tell you what. Why don't we call the pizza guy?”
Blanche: “See, we both win.”

Blanche: “I've been thinking about what we should do in case they do send Sophia off.”
Dorothy: “What, appeal?”
Blanche: “No, a party, a prison party. I made a list of all the men we should invite. And we'll be like the judges. I sentence you to ten minutes with me on the lanai. See, some can be convicts and some can be guards... What are you looking at?”
Dorothy: “I just cannot believe how much you think about men!”

Blanche: “Hey, I have an idea. Let's have a getting-out-of-prison party. See, everybody can pretend they've been locked up for about three years and they have all this pent-up sexual energy. Everybody's all pumped up because all you ever do in prison is lift weights, so we'll get all those muscle guys with homemade tattoos... What are you looking at?”

Sophia: “Can I tell you something, Pussycat?”
Dorothy: “What?”
Sophia: “I've never been so scared. Not so much of jail. It was not being here with all of you. Only seeing you for ten minutes a day on visitors' day. That's not enough time for Rose to get one of her St.
Olaf stories off the runway. All I'm trying to say is, maybe you're not much, but you're all I've got. Am I crying, Pussycat?”
Dorothy: “No, Ma.”
Sophia: “I guess it wasn't as touching as I thought.”

Does anyone else have a strange desire to see Sophia and her friend mooning a hot dog vendor? Not in a pervy way. I mean I just have so many questions. Like, who the hell filmed it? Did Shady Pines let them out to walk around and get lunch from street vendors? Ok, nevermind, moving on. Ah the dreaded clip show rears its ugly head once again. This is probably one the better ones because the wrap around storyline is utterly ridiculous even by season 6 standards. I mean first off, Sophia’s friend is such a bitch for confessing on her deathbed that she started the fire (even though it was probably Lily). They must have been pretty close if they went mooning together and baked s’mores together. And besides, if the fire inspector was “on the take,” ie corrupt, and the place really burned down because of bad wiring then who exactly took the rap six years earlier? But I digress. I’m not sure how the prospect of Sophia possibly being sent to jail for negligent arson is a reason to stroll down memory lane but our ladies do it anyways. And those moments, of course, are as funny as always. At least this time there are some decent moments in-between the “hey remember when...” segues. Blanche’s prison party idea is a hoot and at the end of the day I wish that had actually been the plotline instead of wasting two full episodes with one of the most random and anti-climatic stories yet. I’d like to think this was just filler while the ladies were preparing for their Henny Penny season finale… GRADE: B-

Monday, October 22, 2018

Love For Sale S6E23

Synopsis: The girls participate in a bachelorette auction for charity; a homeless Uncle Angelo visits and Dorothy sets him up at an apartment building she and Stan just inherited.

Let’s Get Political
Rose: “If Dorothy's not off winging her way to Molokai to assist Father Damian in his work with the lepers, you can find her hang-gliding high above the Florida Keys…”
Dorothy: “Rose, where did you get that?”
Rose: “From your mother. Before she and I talked, I wasn't aware of any of it… She's a scratch golfer who, under President Jimmy Carter, served as the United States Senate Majority Whip. And she likes to read.”
Sophia [to Blanche]: “I figured, close with the truth. It'll kind of anchor the rest.”
Dorothy: “I want to thank you all for holding this event on a night when my hang glider is in the shop and, uh, Congress is in recess and the lepers are on Geraldo.”

That’s What She Said
Sophia: “I'm not happy with my zabagliones.”
Blanche: “Maybe you just need a push-up bra.”

Lewd Ladies
Dorothy: “Uncle Angelo, you moved in with one suitcase. What do you need with more closets?”
Sophia: “I don't like to talk about my brother's personal life, but a man brings a woman home, how is he supposed to play a decent game of hide-and-go-seek?”
Uncle Angelo: “Under the table, behind the couch, Bambi was on to me like that.”

Zbornak Zingers
Stan: “Do you think this is all a coincidence? I mean, look - your uncle visits, my uncle dies. Your uncle needs a place to live, my uncle gives us a building. Don't you see? God wants us to be together, babe. It's almost Biblical.”
Dorothy: “And thus he smote your Uncle Morris, huh?”
Stan: “There's a whole school of thought that says he's a wrathful God.”
Dorothy: “Yeah, well that would explain your hair.”

Insult Watch
Rose: “Hey, I have an idea. Dorothy just did something really nice for us. Why don't we do something nice for her? Why don't we buy her a man?”
Sophia: “Well, I'm in, and I know just the person… free every Saturday night... oh, wait, that's a woman. Oh, wait, that's Dorothy.”

Tales from the Old South
Blanche: “Believe me, Dorothy, I know what you're going through. I once had a relationship with a man I couldn't get rid of. Every time I turned around, there he was, pathetically underfoot. Long after I outgrew my need for him, he was there with flowers and candy, perfume. I mean I couldn't move without him following me like a puppy dog.”
Rose: “How'd you finally get rid of him?”
Blanche: “Monday came, and we both had to go back to work.”

Product Placement
Uncle Angelo: “I met a beautiful young Sicilian aerobics instructor. Gorgeous eyes, angelic mouth, and a behind that must have been made on a Saturday because even the good Lord himself would want to take a day off to admire it! I lost my heart and I opened my wallet, eh? Oh dear, the expensive gifts and fancy dinners and weekends in Mykonos, eh? I even wore one of those, uh, tiny Speedo swimsuits, shows all your gingerbread and everything. And she leaves me. What does a 6'7" American basketball player got that I don't?”
Blanche: “Well, Angelo, speaking in terms of the gingerbread alone-”
Dorothy: “Blanche!!”

Back in St. Olaf
Dorothy: “Even if it is for charity, I am not gonna stand up there and allow myself to be sold to the highest bidder like some Holstein cow at a livestock auction.”
Rose: “Dorothy, livestock don't get chauffeur-driven limousine rides to fancy four-star restaurants and the symphony afterwards. Except during St. Olaf Bicentennial Day.”

Rose: “On Stan's behalf, Charlie once made a lot of money in business with a partner who was also a lousy, no-good, underhanded, backstabbing worm.”
Dorothy: “Let me guess, Rose. Ivan Boesky-Vanderfloovenhooven- meistergarbengerbenfleckman.”
Rose: “That's the louse.”

Dorothy: “Uncle Angelo, what's wrong?”
Uncle Angelo “It's a long sad story; a story of love, a story of deception, a story of a fool.”
Rose: “You know the story of Elsie Holdenfelder?”
Dorothy: “Absolutely, Rose. That one's even more popular in Europe than it is here.”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Well, hey, who knew that sawed-off little gnome would outbid a Navy admiral? And a fire chief. And that jeweler who was a dead ringer for Mr. Richard Widmark.”
Dorothy: “Blanche, that was a year ago. How do you remember all this?”
Blanche: “I tagged 'em for migratory purposes.”

Stan: “Dorothy and I just inherited an apartment building. We're gonna be landlords together. I mean it's not a very big building, but she'll still clear a couple hundred bucks a month.”
Blanche: “Dorothy, this is wonderful. With that kind of money, we can hire a really good-lookin' gardener.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Dorothy: “It's all my fault for giving Stan so many chances. But I can't do this again. I mean, how many times can I make the same mistake? How many times can you bang your head against the wall before it starts to bleed?”
Rose: “Nine.”

Lesbian. Lesbian? LESBIAN??
Sophia: “It's a family curse, this obsession with women. The men in our family are weak. Why couldn't they all be more like Cousin Antony?”
Dorothy: “Ma, Cousin Antony had an obsession with men in cowboy hats who hung around Times Square.”

From Feud to Food
Dorothy: “Blanche, zabaglione is a traditional Italian dessert. It's my Uncle Angelo's favorite.”
Sophia: “Yeah, my brother, he's quite the scungiscor-ror-ror.”
Dorothy: “Even I don't know that one.”
Sophia: “That wasn't a word. My dentures slipped.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Dorothy: “Stanley, what are you doing here?”
Stan: “I'm buying a date with the woman I love.”
Dorothy: “Oh, jeez. Not in front of people.”

What, We Can’t Learn From History?
Dorothy: “Rose, I am not going. It is degrading.”
Blanche: “Dorothy, come on, don't be a stick-in-the-mud. It's for the Children's Hospital. I mean if you can't degrade yourself for a bunch of sick kids, who can you degrade yourself for?”
Sophia: “Listen to this. Eleanor Roosevelt in a garter belt.”

Golden Quotes
Blanche: “We could chip in, say, 50 bucks and buy her the bull of the ball. Oh, but who do we know who knows a man?”
Rose: “Blanche, you know hundreds of men.”
Blanche: “I know. I just like to hear you say it.”

Stan [at the door]: “Hiya, sweetie pie. How ya doin'?”
Dorothy: “Fine, cupcake. Thanks for asking.”
[slams door]

Blanche: “Nonsense, Dorothy. You can't pass up a chance to own real estate. It's been a lifesaver for me. You get a bunch of saps to pay your mortgage for you every month while your equity just rises higher and higher, while those poor suckers - What I meant was it's a great opportunity to make new friends.”

Blanche: “Angelo, you're even handsomer than you were your last visit.”
Uncle Angelo: “Thank you. I been plucking, eh? See? I got two eyebrows now. Everybody loves 'em.”
Uncle Angelo: “What am I gonna do?”
Sophia: “You're gonna trust in your family, because family is there when you're down, and family stops at nothing! - NOTHING - to help one of their own! Blanche, I want my brother Angelo to come here and live with us.”
Blanche: “Oh, I'm sorry, Sophia. There's just no room.”
Sophia: “Hey, I tried.”

Blanche: “What is wrong with you the woman’s been with lepahs!”

Dorothy: “Stanley, stop it. I am not going out with you. I would rather be bound and gagged and left on an anthill covered with honey.”
Creepy bidder: “400!”

Dorothy: “Thank you, Blanche. And thank you too, Rose.”
Rose: “What did I say?”
Dorothy: “Nothing. And I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.”

Sophia: “Dorothy, I've known you, what, 60 years? Angelo I've known 85. To tell you the truth, I don't quite trust you yet.”

Blanche: “Angelo, great party the other night.”
Rose: “Yeah, you look great in a tux.”
Sophia: “It wasn't your kind of crowd, Pussycat.”
Dorothy: “That's funny. It's the same excuse you used when you didn't invite me to my Sweet 16.”
Uncle Angelo: “Now, that was a party.”

Sophia [seeing Stan on the floor]: “Let's move quick before the cops get here. You wipe for fingerprints, I'll get a shovel and a Hefty bag.”
Stan: “Sophia.”
Sophia: “Oh, great. It figures you couldn't finish the job. I'm gonna go get the toaster.”
Stan: “Ow! Ow! Sophia, I'm not dead.”
Sophia: “Not yet. Would you slow down? I'm an old woman!”

Uncle Angelo: “Dorothy, forgive me, but I gotta speak. Sometimes it's harder to close the door than to open a window.”
Dorothy: “Oh that's very wise, Uncle Angelo. Thank you.”
Uncle Angelo: “Actually, I was talking about the apartment, but I'll take wise.”

It took six seasons but the writers really figured out how fun it is to play Dorothy and Stan off each other. The two actors had tremendous chemistry together. And they were both like a couple of redwoods. Sensing, perhaps, that they may have jumped the shark with the whole Cheeseman story line, they sort of reigned things in for this one. Even though the show was known for some progressive thoughts, ideas, and plots, how exactly does a “bachelorette auction” help their cause? It doesn’t really but at least it provides plenty of laughs. I mean who doesn’t want to picture Dorothy hang gliding high above the Florida Keys?? Moving on to the B story involving the return of Uncle Angelo who we haven’t seen since “My Brother, My Father” back in Season 3. He’s now more of a permanent fixture in Miami and will make several more appearances throughout the final season. It’s still weird that they never mention their sister Angela but I mean if Miles is really an accountant from Chicago, why wouldn’t Angelo really be Angela after a sex change and plastic surgery? But I digress. This episode is solid but probably not one that many fans lists among their favorites. The auction scene is probably the biggest laugh getter but otherwise it’s rather quiet affair on Richmond Street. Fun fact: The guy who bids 400 dollars for Dorothy after she describes being covered in honey on an ant hill is a cameo from the show’s stage manager. GRADE: B