Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Cheaters S5E22

Synopsis: Dorothy rekindles things with the boring married man she had an affair with in Season 1; Sophia and Blanche become the unwitting targets of a con artist.

Crazy Continuity
In one of the rare instance of actual continuity Dorothy’s adulterer Glen O’Brien returns albeit played by a new actor, Jerry Orbach.  

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Rose: “I had the strangest dream last night. I was at a baseball game. Charlie Brown was pitching and Schroeder was behind the plate. And Lucy and Snoopy were in the outfield and they wouldn't let me play. When I woke up I was crying. What do you suppose it all means?”
Dorothy: “Peanuts envy?”

Lewd Ladies
Sophia: “All right. Go ahead, meet your adulterer, but remember you were brought up a lady. Keep both your feet on the floor.”
Dorothy: “I'd go better change. Blanche, what should I wear?”
Blanche: “Well if you're gonna keep both feet on the floor something you can pull off over your head.”

Picture It
Sophia: “There's no such thing as being trapped in a marriage. In this country you can get divorced. In Sicily there was no divorce. If you wanted to end a marriage, you had to resort to the lupara.”
Rose: “Is that some kind of legal loophole?”
Sophia: “It's some kind of sawed-off shotgun.”

Zbornak Zingers
Glen O’Brien: “I'm looking forward to this. You meet the mother, it gives you a pretty good idea what the daughter's gonna look like in 30 years.”
Dorothy: “Only if you lock me in the drier.”

Insult Watch
Rose: “Keep some self-respect.”
Blanche: “Self-respect is for losers like Rose.”
Rose: “Well, sure. You'd have some great times and some fabulous sex, but is that worth your self-respect?”
Dorothy: “Not now, loser.”

Product Placement
Dorothy: “Ma, what are you doing up?”
Sophia: “Ah, just having a Maalox moment.”

Sassy Sophia
Dorothy: “Oh, hi. Yes, I heard you called. What a pleasant surprise. Well I'm pretty sure I can make it. Just let me check my book… [pause] I seem to be clear.”
Sophia: “He must have asked her out this century.”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “Well, perhaps this little story might make you change your mind. Back in St. Olaf, there was a shepherd boy who tended his flock on the hill above the town. A wolf kept coming down and stealing his sheep, but the boy never caught him doing it. Because he never saw it happening, he became known around St. Olaf as ‘the boy who didn't cry wolf.’ Anyway, one day the townspeople heard the boy on the hill yelling, ‘Wolf, Wolf.’ Well, they all figured, if the boy never cried wolf when the wolf was there, if he yelled wolf now, it stood to reason the wolf wasn't there.”
Sophia: “Boy, nothing gets by you people.”
Rose: “Damn straight. It was a bear! A huge, ferocious, grizzly bear.”
Sophia: “What happened to the boy?”
Rose: “He became known as the boy who cried continuously.”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “I was up all night with Mel Bushman, having one of our ‘where is this relationship going?’ talks.”
Dorothy: “Oh and where is it going?”
Blanche: “Where it usually goes - room 506 at the Quality Court.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Dorothy: “I never dreamed you grew up in Brooklyn.”
Glen O’Brien: “Oh, sure. Our whole block was Irish. The other block was Italian. We used to take turns beating each other up on the way home from school.”
Rose: “I think it's nice when kids take turns.”

Rose: “Do it. Oh, marry him, Dorothy. Even if you have to sign one of those prenatal agreements.”

From Feud to Food
Glen O’Brien: “Mrs. Petrillo. These are for you.”
Sophia: “Cannoli? What does an Irishman know about cannoli?”

The Boob Tube
Dorothy: “I'll be right back, Glen. I think you'll be OK.”
Sophia: “So, Glen. How come you cheated on your wife??”
Glen O’Brien: “Wow. Straight to Final Jeopardy, huh?”

Golden Quotes
Dorothy [answering the phone]: “Hello. Oh, look. I-I’m sorry, I'm going to have to interrupt. No I'm sure this is a very worthy cause, but to be perfectly frank, at this moment, I couldn't give a flying fig about whooping cranes. No no, I have to keep the line free. Fine. I'll send you a check. Hold it, let me grab a pencil. OK. Whooping Cranes Box 1990, Newcastle, Louisiana, got it. Glad I could help. Bye-bye.”

Con artist: “How about that nun over there?”
Sophia: “What if she guilts us into giving it to charity?”
Con artist: “Well I think we can agree that that's the last thing we wanna do.”
Blanche: “On the other hand, she is a shopping nun. She could be OK.”

Blanche: “Now Sophia, remember, found money is supposed to be spent on something frivolous, something you would never buy for yourself.”
Sophia: “What are you gonna get? Underwear?”

Rose: “He has to win your confidence or you wouldn't put up the money.”
Sophia: “It wasn't his idea. The nun suggested it.”
Rose: “She was part of the team. They always work in pairs.”
Sophia: “I don't know what the church is coming to.”

Rose: “Once these scamsters have your money in an envelope, they make a switch and you wind up with worthless paper. They prey on the old and the gullible.”
Blanche: “Are you calling me gullible?”
Rose: “No.”
Blanche: “OH!!”

Dorothy: “Glen asked me to marry him.”
Blanche: “Pay dirt! Well, are you gonna do it?”
Dorothy: “I haven't had time to make up my mind.”
Blanche: “Honey don't dawdle. Now men have a very short memory span when it comes to that question. Sometimes they forget before you can get your clothes back on.”

I consider myself to be a walking GG encyclopedia. I mean, I did win first place at GG trivia with my fellow GG nut Jason so I have a pretty stacked resYOUmay. And even I never realized until recently that Jerry Orbach’s character Glen O’Brien is the same character that Dorothy sleeps with in the Season One episode “That Was No Lady.” Can you blame me? That episode was Snooze City. I don’t care how Dorothy looks in the daytime and no one else does. And why would a sitcom, that has been completely inconsistent, all of a sudden want to revisit a storyline from five years ago? They don’t even like to revisit storylines from the same season. (Like WHY THE HELL DOESN’T DOROTHY EVER MENTION CHRONIC FATIGUE SYNDROM EVER AGAIN??) But I digress. Yes, we the fans get what we’ve been clamoring for five seasons: The return of Glen O’Brien. Yawn. Mr. O’Brien was a bore in Season One and he’s a bore in Season Five. But not every GG storyline can be exciting, God did that to give the world some variety. Can we move on to Blanche and Sophia’s B story now? Oh the good ol’ pigeon drop. Oldsters fall for it all the time. Who the hell would open a joint bank account with a total stranger?? Oh right, Blanche and Sophia. How soon I forget how money hungry they always are. We finally get to see the mall that I assume Dorothy insisted Rose can’t get pregnant at when using the bathroom. Now, Blanche and Sophia aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed, I mean I don’t expect them to join Mensa (or even Girlsa) anytime soon, but come on ladies! You’d have to be a moron to trust Sam McMurray. And to this day I look the other way when I see a shopping nun, I don’t care how much Sister Act did to improve the reputation of nuns. And finally, I could watch a gif-worthy Dorothy pantomime writing the Whooping Cranes address a million times. And now you can too.  GRADE: B

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Sisters and Other Strangers S5E21

Synopsis: Blanche suspects that her sister Charmaine’s tawdry novel is actually about her; Stan’s Czechoslovakian cousin Magda visits and her Communist ideology drives Dorothy and Sophia up the wall.

Musical Moments
Sophia: “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie/That's amore/When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine/That's amore”
Dorothy: “Ma, that's lovely.”
Sophia: “What?”
Dorothy: “Your singing.”
Sophia: “That was me? I was gonna ask you to turn off the radio.”

Let’s Get Political
Dorothy: “Boy, sure took you a long time to spell Welcome Magda.”
Rose: “Oh I thought that'd be too boring. So instead I decided to depict Magda's escape from Czechoslovakia.”
Dorothy: “But isn't that barbed wire?”
Rose: “Isn't it amazing what you can do with icing?”
Dorothy: “Gee, you made that pack of dogs look very realistic. But Rose, the revolution in Czechoslovakia was a peaceful one. Nobody was chased by a pack of dogs.”
Sophia [tasting the icing]: “But they're good dogs, Rose.”

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Rose: “Charmaine! Blanche, look who's here. It's Charmaine.”
Sophia: “Oh, good. Ringside seats!”

That’s What She Said
Blanche: “And you ‘member that time Big Daddy caught us skinny-dipping with those boys?”
Charmaine: “And you told him it was our Bible study group ‘just practicin’ baptizin.’”
Blanche: “It would've worked, too, if you hadn't come up screaming, ‘Hey, y'all, things look bigger underwater!’”

Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: “What am I gonna do about my sister coming? By the time she leaves Miami, she'll be more famous here than I am.”
Dorothy: “Honey, only if they close the Sheraton.”

Insult Watch
Dorothy: “Blanche is handling this a lot better than I would. I would kill Gloria if she ever wrote about my sexual escapades.”
Sophia: “You'd kill your sister over a pamphlet?”

Product Placement
Sophia: “Magda is driving us crazy. All she does is complain about how awful things are in America. Everywhere we went, something bothered her.”
Dorothy: “We showed her the mall-- She said we live in a plastic society with no soul. This was after I bought her Beef Sticks and spreadable cheese from Hickory Farms.”

Sassy Sophia
Magda: “Ladies, ladies, I have very bad news. I must shorten my stay, Dorothy. In fact, I'm leaving tomorrow.”
Sophia: “Dorothy, move the coffee table. I wanna do a cartwheel.”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “This is terrible! I was raised to hate Communists. I remember in the early '50s when McCarthy came to St. Olaf to speak in the town square. I was never so moved by a public speaker. Although some people thought he was a puppet for the right wing. No, wait. That was Charlie McCarthy.”
Dorothy: “I'd have put money on that.”
Rose: “But still, St. Olaf's town motto was 'Better Ned than red.' Ned was sort of the town idiot.”
Sophia: “When? On your days off?”

Magda [discussing Communism]: “When there is one road, no one gets lost.”
Rose: “Not necessarily. Back in St. Olaf, there--”
Dorothy: “Rose. Is this a story about someone getting lost?”
Rose: “Uh-huh.”
Dorothy: “Well, don't tell us. Show us.”

Rose: “I have a sister story I think you'll find interesting…. There was a time in my life when I wanted to leave St. Olaf. I just didn't feel it was big enough for me. I had my eye on the Great White Way. So I went to St. Gustav, the city that never naps. That first night I walked around in amazement. They had their own Fotomat! Of course, it wasn't as large as the Fotomats you see today. Now, here's the scary part. Suddenly, I realized I was this frightened little girl alone in the big city. It started to rain, and I stood there in the middle of the town square and cried. There I was, drenched, and someone yelled out: 'Hey! Don't you have enough sense to come in out of the rain?' Well, then it hit me. And when I went home to St. Olaf, I passed on this bit of street-smart savvy. The next thing you know, in St. Olaf the in thing was coming in out of the rain. I was the town celebrity. Until the phrase 'Watch out for that tractor' caught on.”
Blanche: “What in hell does this have to do with sisters?”
Rose: “Didn't I mention? St. Olaf and St. Gustav were sister cities.”

Best of B.E.D.
Charmaine [about her book]: “Well, what did you think?”
Blanche: “I should've known I couldn't trust you. That all that 'let's be sisters' stuff was just a bunch of bull. You had no right to use my life for your book. To twist facts so that beautiful, sacred love became so much tawdry trash. I earned that A in history! For the first time in my life, I'm ashamed to be a Hollingsworth. Vixen: Story of a Woman is nothing but a vulgar collection of perverse sexual acts that are sheer and utter filth!!”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Blanche: “You are not gonna believe this. My sister Charmaine just called me.”
Dorothy: “I didn't think the two of you were speaking.”
Blanche: “Well, we're not.”
Rose: “Then how did you know it was her on the other end of the line?”
Dorothy: “Rose, you're bringing down the curve for the whole country.”

From Feud to Food
Dorothy: “Oh, Ma, come here. I want you to taste this. Well?”
Sophia: “Wouldn't it be easier to put a pillow over my face while I sleep?”

What, We Can’t Learn From History?
Dorothy: “Magda, how can you be such an expert on America when you've only been here a few days?”
Magda: “I know that Communist system is more fair.”
Dorothy: “How can you say that? People all over the world are realizing that Communism doesn't work.”
Magda: “It worked for me. I had automatic can opener, I had toaster, and I was very near top of list to get electricity.”

Literary Intelligentsia
Dorothy: “Magda, there are two books that I want you to read. The first one is Thomas Paine's Common Sense. I think it'll give you some idea of what freedom is all about. And the second is Vanna White's autobiography.”
Magda: “Why should I read this?”
Dorothy: “It's just a helluva a book!”

The Boob Tube
Charmaine: “By any chance, do you happen to know what happened to Big Daddy's pocket watch? Virginia says you took it after the funeral.”
Blanche: “That pocket watch meant so much to me.”
Charmaine: “Big Daddy promised that watch to me.”
Blanche: “In writing?”
Charmaine: “It was in the will.”
Blanche: “Is this the same will where he promised the summer house to Gopher from Love Boat?”
Charmaine: “No, this is the sober will.”

Golden Quotes
Magda: “Dorothy?”
Dorothy: “Cousin Magda!”
Magda: “Such a beautiful home! Who sleeps with government official?”
Dorothy: “That would be my friend Blanche.”

Magda: “Rose, everywhere you look the rich take advantage of the poor. How can you deny there are inequities in this society?”
Rose: “Well, sure there are inequities, but at least we treat everybody the same.”

Magda: “Oh, oh! Oooh! Ow!”
Sophia: “You drank the Slurpee too fast again, didn't you?”
Magda: “It's like knife sticking in forehead. The pain. It is, it is, really good! These Slurpees are best thing about America.”
Dorothy: “What do you want me to do, throw her out?”
Sophia: “Yes, and while you're at it, ditch the Commie!”

Blanche: “My sister has turned into a deceitful old woman whose only pleasure is in hurting people. No offense, Sophia.”
Sophia: “None taken. Slut.”

Rose: “You know, isn't life funny? Last night in bed I told myself, 'Nobody listens to your stories, Rose, quit telling them.' And I swore I would never tell another story as long as I lived. And then you hear something like this, and you realize these stories make a difference. Oh! You know, something sort of like that happened to Hans Fliegelfleister...”
Sophia: “I hope it's Death.”
Dorothy: “Get it Rose!!”

Charmaine: “Oh, I write the same thing to everybody. Just like signing yearbooks, remember? You always wrote the same thing. 'You were the first.'”
Blanche: “Wrote it, hell, I had a stamp made.”

First thought, I've always wondered if Vanna White's book got a boost in sales after Dorothy's glowing recommendation? Secondly, I'm not quite sure why Sophia needed to rip Charmaine's book out of Magda's hands when there was a stack of perfectly unused copies right in front of her, but I digress. Oh my God I love this episode. We get two relatives. We get to learn more about Blanche's family. Is it me or does Charmaine look like she could be Nicole Kidman's sister? (She's even related to Nicole Kidman in Far & Away, so there!) I really like Charmaine, maybe I feel a tad sorry for her because she has a spastic colon, a tipped uterus, heart flutters, and attached kidneys? And then there's Stan's cousin Magda from Czechoslovakia who Dorothy refers to as Flora the Red Menace. I'm not sure why Dorothy is so concerned with Magda thinking America is a plastic society since we all know she's a modern thinker who isn't afraid to give a piece of her mind. I mean she hates George Bush after all. I can't even count how many classic GG lines appear here but it's brimming with absolutely delightful dialogue. We also get almost three St. Olaf stories. Dorothy's Mrs. Doolittle story is good but at tad overdone at this point. I'd take Rose's “sister cities” story any day of the week over that one. There's very little to complain about here with funny jabs at everything from Vanna White, to Hickory Farms, to bitter children of celebrities. It's such a well-rounded episode, everyone has their moment to shine. This episode is… it is… veeely good! GRADE: A

Friday, November 10, 2017

Twice in a Lifetime S5E20

Synopsis: Rose’s old boyfriend Buzz from St. Olaf returns which strains her relationship with Miles; Sophia moves out when Dorothy doesn’t approve of the new crowd she’s hanging out with.

90s Flashback

Sophia: “Oh my God. Now she's with the other boyfriend. It's like living with Cher.”

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley

Malcom [to Dorothy]: “You must be Tommy's boy. How's the team look this year?”

That’s What She Said

Rose: “To this day, whenever I see a man drop his pants, some little part of me wants to go whoooop!”

Blanche: “I know what you mean.”

Lewd Ladies

Dorothy: “What happened to the money I gave you last night?”

Sophia: “Let's see. Ten bucks went for cover charge, ten bucks went for a round of drinks. And the other ten went into the G-string of a very cute male dancer named Mr. Big.”

Blanche: “I know that guy. That's just a stage name.”

Insult Watch

Buzz: “Rose, how about some ice cream? You ladies care to join us?”

Dorothy: “No thanks. We don't wanna spoil our dinner.”

Sophia: “Not that that outfit hasn't done a good job already.”

Tales from the Old South

Dorothy: “Rose, quite frankly, I don't get it. What is this hold that Buzz has over you?”

Blanche: “Oh I know exactly what she's going through, Dorothy. First love can be very powerful. I felt the same way about Hayward Boyle, the star pitcher on our high school baseball team. An amazing athlete. That boy had exceptional control. He was always up for extra innings. And his delivery. Oh!--”

Dorothy:  “All right, Blanche. Enough!”

Rose: “Yeah, we get it. So what was he like in bed?”

Product Placement

Rose: “I was looking for someone more exciting. That's when Buzz came along. He was St. Olaf's heppest cat. A musician - you know the type. He once put a whole box of Chiclets in his mouth on a dare.”

Dorothy: “Cool.”

Sassy Sophia

Dorothy: “Ma, we need to talk. I waited up for you until two in the morning. And you still weren't home.”

Sophia: “Oh, yeah. Gertie and I and some of the girls went to Wolfie's to pick up guys.”

Dorothy: “I called Wolfie's at 11. You weren't there.”

Sophia: “Guess who got lucky?”

Dorothy: “Oh, God!”

Back in St. Olaf

Blanche: “Rose Nylund! You were in a love triangle and never told us!”

Rose: “Well I didn't think you'd be interested.”

Dorothy: “Oh but you were certain that we would be interested in the story about little Yimminy, the boy who was raised by a wild moose?”

Rose: “May I remind you, Dorothy, that moose didn't just raise little Yimminy, he put him through medical school!”

Best of B.E.D.

Blanche: “Good morning, Miles. How was the bird-watching?”

Miles: “Oh, Blanche, it was thrilling. Have you ever seen a purple martin early in the morning?”

Blanche: “Yes, I have. Martin Gelman. Mr. ‘Watch me leapfrog over this parking meter.’”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose

Rose: “Charlie liked to do all the typical teenage things. When we'd go to a drive-in movie, he'd hide me in the trunk so we only had to pay admission for one. And after the movie he'd drive me home, let me out of the trunk and tell me all about it.”

What, We Can’t Learn From History?

Blanche: “Oh, Dorothy, the art in this room is magnificent. I know. I work in a museum. I'm an art expert. Ooo, look at this Renoir.”

Maria: “Actually, that's a Seurat. His signature style was pointillism. Notice how the little dots of color seem to blend together from a distance.”

Blanche: “Oh. Yeah.”

Maria: “You wanna see the Jackson Pollock in the john?”

Blanche: “I'd love to.”

Maria: “Come on. I gotta scrub the toilet anyway.”

The Boob Tube

Dorothy: “You went to my mother's room in the middle of the night?”

Blanche: “Many, many times. Two or three times a week. And she was always so kind and comforting.”

Sophia: “I don't understand. Every time I'd knock on her door late at night, she'd say, ‘Not now.

I'm watching Bob Costas.’”

Blanche: “Sophia doesn't have a TV in her room.”

Dorothy: “I know.”

Reel References

Miles: “It's too bad. I was gonna take you to see Henry V.”

Rose: “It's just as well. I always think by the time they get to number five, those sequels get pretty predictable…”

Dorothy: “I can't believe you told him that.”

Rose: “But it's true. Did you doubt for a minute Rocky was gonna beat that Russian??”

Golden Quotes
Dorothy: “Ma, I don't like this new crowd that you're hanging out with. Now why are you with these people?”

Sophia: “They're the in-crowd. Look, the Senior Citizens' Center is divided into three cliques: the hip group, the not-so-hip group, and the broken hip group.”

Sophia: “What can I tell you? A couple of egg creams, the fluorescent lights, and a retired jeweler named Schlomo all conspired to make a night of enchantment.”

Blanche: “I never tell men about my past.”

Rose: “Why?”

Blanche: “Takes too long.”

Buzz: “Everybody in my family is named Buzz.”

Rose: “Buzz and I are going out to lunch.”

Buzz: “You're kidding? Buzz is here too??”

Rose: “Sorry, girls. This one's mine.”

Rose: “I've never done anything like this before. Tell me, is it possible to love two men at the same time?”

Blanche: “Set the scene. Have we been drinkin’?”

Buzz: “Rosie, I never should have left you 40 years ago. I can still see you standing on the platform as the train started to roll by. Remember, Rose? You were walking alongside, tears rolling down your cheeks. When the train picked up a little speed, you started to run. Suddenly you were out of sight. It was very painful for me.”

Rose: “For me too. I ran face first into the crossing signal.”

Sophia: “Ciao, auf Wiedersehen, arrivederci and sayonara.”

Rose: “Gee, she could have at least said goodbye.”

Dorothy: “Ma, he's a man. I didn't know you moved in with a man.”

Sophia: “What difference does it make? He's over 100 years old. I'm not sure he knows I'm a woman.”

Malcolm: “I think Amos and Andy are on the wireless tonight. What do you say we stay home and laugh our asses off?”

Dorothy: “You had late-night talks with my mother?”

Rose: “All the time.”

Dorothy: “And she gave you hard candy?”

Rose: “No. I'd ask, but she was always afraid I'd choke on it.”

Blanche: “Sophia, you're here. And you have your suitcase. Does that mean you're moving back?”

Sophia: “I don't get it. I'm gone a few days and the dumb one's in there acting like a slut, while the slut's in here being stupid.”


ROSE JUST HAD AN AIDS SCARE DOES NO ONE REMEMBER?? But I digress. Another episode, another moron from St. Olaf. I actually really love when people from St. Olaf show up (unless it’s one of Rose’s glaringly unmoronic, bitchy sisters or daughters) because the insults come fast and swift. Ok let’s get into it. I’m sure most viewers don’t really buy Rose having to choose between Buzz and Miles. Would Rose realistically leave Miami and her roomies for this dweeb? Just because they both have matching plaid outfits doesn’t mean they were meant to be together (just like Blanche’s thighs of course). No one would pick Buzz over Miles just like no one would vote for Min-ne-sota over Harvard. Also, the writers must really be into conservation because they pretty much recycled Sophia’s B story from the episode where Rose moves out because she’s annoying everyone ("Before & After"). This time it’s Sophia who has fallen with a crazy crowd of people (who we still never get to see). It’s really just an excuse for a hilarious scene in which Sophia’s nearly 100 year old male roommate keeps mistaking Sophia and Dorothy for men. If Malcom looks familiar it’s because he played Sophia’s terrible magician boyfriend Seymour in “You Gotta Have Hope.” Buzz of course has been in movies like “National Lampoon’s Vacation” and “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.” And finally, if you need to make a chocolate egg cream for the Schlomo in your life click here. GRADE: B+