Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Even Grandmas Get the Blues S6E20

Synopsis: Blanche pretends her infant granddaughter Aurora is her own child to woo a man; Sophia prepares for The Festival of the Dancing Virgins.

St. Olaf Vocab

Dorothy: “I'm not staying for dinner tonight. There's a meeting at Mensa. That's the organization for people with high IQs like mine.”

Rose: “You know, in St. Olaf we had a chapter of Mensa, and across the room was Girlsa. No, wait, those were the bathrooms at St. Olaf's only Italian restaurant.”

…Until the Buffalo Pooped

Dorothy: “Hello! And how is little Aurora doing today?”

Rebecca: “Oh, what a good girl she was this mornin'. She was just smilin' and smilin' and smilin'. I know sometimes it's just gas, but she was so cute.”

[Sophia smiles]

Dorothy: “Ma, it's not cute once you pass 80.”

That’s What She Said

Jason: “Come, sit on me.”

Blanche: “Ooo!”

Animal Alert

Sophia: “So, what you're telling me is I'm gonna take this recipe with me to the grave.”

Dorothy: “Right along with the secret of why Uncle Gino legally adopted that goat.”

Lewd Ladies

Sophia: “Dorothy, you're gonna have to do the Dance of the Virgins by yourself.”

Dorothy: “Ma!”

Sophia: “You remember. It's like the bunny hop, except you keep your legs crossed.”

Picture It

Sophia: “You shall be the queen of the Festival of the Dancing Virgins.”

Dorothy: “Ma, what are you talking about?”

Sophia: “Once a year, the women of my village threw a festival to recapture their virginity. It gives you a chance to say to the man in your life, What kind of tramp do you take me for?

Brooklyn: A Fairy Land

Sophia: “Dorothy, I'm gonna tell you something I never told you before. When you were about 12 and we lived in Brooklyn, they called me into the school to tell me you had the highest IQ in the borough.”

Rose: “That's a coincidence. I was told I had the IQ of a burro.”

Dorothy: “Ma, I had no ide-- The brightest kid in Brooklyn? Well, that certainly explains the feeling of being right all the time. What is it?”

Sophia: “173”

Rose: “I don't know if you know this, but a burro can find its way back home.”

Dorothy: “Have fun shopping, Rose.”

Rose: “Oh, I'll be back.”

Zbornak Zingers

Blanche [wearing Shakespearean garb]: “Am I convincing?”

Dorothy: “As what, ye olde towne slut?”

Insult Watch

Sophia: “Congratulations. You're the queen.”

Rose: “I'm the quee— I'm the queen?!”

Dorothy: “You're also the fool, so we're saving a lot on payroll.”

Blanche: “Oh, please. I've waited my whole life to play this part.”

Director: “Long wait.”

Product Placement

Rebecca: “I'd love to stay and argue with you, but I have to go.”

Blanche: “Well you know how much I wanna be with Oreo, but— ”

Rebecca: “Aurora, Mama. Aurora.”

Blanche: “I know I just have such a block against that name.”

Sassy Sophia

Dorothy: “Ma, you lied to me.”

Sophia: “Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, Easter Bunny. I've been messin' with your head for almost 60 years.”

Back in St. Olaf

Rose: “We had a Festival of the Dancing Virgins in St. Olaf, too. Every year, we'd go down to the lake, and they'd be flopping around on the dock. Oh, no, wait. That was the Festival of the Dancing Sturgeons.”

Dorothy: “What is wrong with you, woman?”

Best of B.E.D.

Rebecca: “Look, I know you don't like the name, and I know you think that I'm bringin' her up wrong.”

Blanche: “No no no, I just don't see why you have to feed her when you come to visit me at the museum. You don't see me taking out my breast in public. A lot.”

Blanche: “There are lots of ways you can trick a man into thinkin' you're younger than you really are. You wear sunglasses, put on a little extra makeup, go to dimly lit restaurants.”

Rose: “We've all done that.”

Blanche: “Fly to Nevada to get a fake birth certificate. Have a phony high school yearbook printed up. Change the dates on your parents' graves.”

Dorothy: “We've all done that.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose

Sophia: “Come on, it's 6:30. We're already five minutes behind schedule. Rose, before you bring in the sauce, tell us what ingredient you added.”

Rose: “I don't want to spoil the surprise. I'll give you a hint. They're sugary and they're grrrrreat!”

From Feud to Food

Sophia: “OK, Queenie I have to make salsa grandioso again, and this time, I'm gonna teach you how.”

Dorothy: “Oh, Ma. Not the sauce, Ma, no. No I mean that takes weeks. There are 152 ingredients. I just don't have the time.”

Sophia: “Dorothy, for 1400 years  the women in our family have been handing this recipe down from mother to daughter. Each generation improves upon it in some way. Like, for instance, it was my great-grandmother who added heat.”

Rose: “What did you add, Sophia?”

Sophia: “A mouthful of wine. It was an accident. A delicious accident.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal

Rose: “Oh Dorothy, what crossword puzzle are you doing?”

Dorothy: “Sunday, New York Times... IN INK.”

What, We Can’t Learn From History?

Sophia: “We have to get to work on the sauce. We begin by taking a shallow bath in olive oil at 7:34 Sicily time.”

Rose: “Why?”

Sophia: “Originally it was to keep the Visigoths away. But, if ain't broke, don't fix it.”

Blanche: “It's so unfair. We're both about the same age, but he can go on makin' babies the rest of his life. I feel like the Spruce Goose. People may visit, play with the controls, but I'll never really fly again.”

Literary Intelligentsia

Blanche: “It so happens our community playhouse is doing The Taming of the Shrew, and I'm to audition for the role of Kate, the fiery tart of Padua who no man could tame. [doorbell rings] Hark. Perhaps a suitor doth approacheth.”

Dorothy: “Do you think he'll thstay all night?”

Rose: “Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to tell a fib.”

Dorothy: “Walt Whitman here has a point.”

The Boob Tube

Dorothy: “I'm gonna be teaching that honors program class, and it's going to be a challenge. I'm gonna have students who know that Chekhov is a brilliant Russian playwright, not the guy who was the navigator on the Enterprise.”

Rose: “I didn't know the guy from Star Trek wrote plays.”

Reel References

Blanche: “And your name was?”

Jason: “Jason Stillman. Did you happen to see Breakfast at Tiffany's?”

Blanche: “Yes.”

Jason: “Well, I was in the party scene. Audrey Hepburn spilled a drink on me. But they cut it out.”

Golden Quotes

Sophis: “Dorothy, when was the last time you had sex?”

Dorothy: “That's a very personal question.”

Sophia: “That long, huh?”

Blanche: “Aurora. I just hate that name. Why couldn't you have found something more musical, more - more Southern, more beautiful?”

Rebecca: “Sorry, BLAAANCHE.”

Rebecca: “You have a good time with Grandma.”

Blanche: “Rebecca! Will you stop sayin' that? You keep callin' me Grandma, she's gonna grow up to think that's my name!”

Blanche: “Larry, is that you?”

Director: “No, Larry's not directing this one. He's sick.”

Blanche: “His back didn't go out again, did it?”

Director: “How did you know?”

Blanche: “I performed Annie for him.”

Director: “Really? Where?”

Blanche: “None of your business.”

Sophia: “Pussycat, when you were in junior high school and the kids gave you a hard time, what did I say?”

Dorothy: “Oh you told me I was extra-special and they were just jealous.”

Sophia: “That's right, and if they still gave you a hard time, what did I tell you to say?”

Dorothy: “My mother can have you eliminated with one phone call.”

Blanche: “Listen, I'm warnin' you, if anybody blows the whistle on me, the old lady's out on the street.”

Jason: “Where's the baby?”

Blanche: “The baby's… sleeping...”

Jason: “Let me take a peek.”

Blanche: “At the Greater Miami Baby Sleep Center.”

Dorothy: “It's sort of a flophouse for infants.”

Jason: “Wait. Let me get a picture. Isn't she the most beautiful mother you've ever seen?”

Sophia: “Grand, just grand.”

Dorothy: “Oh, I'm just too smart for my own good. I feel as trapped and isolated as Soren Kierkegaard in his final days. [Rose laughs] What?”

Rose:  “That's such a funny name.”

Dorothy: “Oh, Rose, dear, sweet, single-digit-IQ Rose.”

Blanche: “I don't know what I'm gonna do about Jason. He's reached a point in his life where he's anxious to settle down. And he wants us to have another child right away. Well, frankly, I don't know if I want another baby so soon.”

Dorothy: “I understand. Wait a couple years, and Medicare will pay for it.”

Sophia: “Why wait? Have it now and The Enquirer will pay for it.”

Rose: “I guess you don't feel like Sorden Karbeerdybarden now.”

Dorothy: “That's Soren Kierkegaard.”

Rose: “I got her to say it again!”

Dorothy: “Next year, I want to learn the sauce.”

Sophia: “Deal, Pussycat. It's not that hard. First you get one large pot, a dozen plum tomatoes and one moron to do all the work for you.”


Ahh, the end of what I like to call the “Aurora Trilogy.” First there was the conception of Aurora in “The Accurate Conception.” Then Aurora was born in "Blanche Delivers" even though initially Blanche thought she had a grandson. And now we finally get to see Aurora as a real character although she’s only portrayed by a pillow wrapped in a yellow blanket. Not very convincingly I might add. Though in Sophia’s village in Sicily that performance would of gotten three stars. But I digress. This is an utterly fantastic Blanche-centric episode with line after classic line. Her story line about Jason mistaking her granddaughter for her daughter is brilliant. I don’t really know why Jason would assume the baby was her daughter. I mean it's not like he's Lily or something but it does make for some really hilarious moments. (And for the record, Jason is played by Alan Rachins who would go on to play creepy Goddess director Tony “I’m erect, why aren’t you erect” Moss in “Showgirls”). Blanche calling Aurora Oreo is one the best moments of the entire season and an all-time favorite moment for GG fans. I also like the Festival of the Dancing Virgins B story because we get more silly Sicily backstory. Even Rose has some great moments including her hysterical mispronunciation of Soren Kierkegaard. I used to rewind that moment over and over again when I was a kid. It’s sort of funny to me now that Rebecca has moved to Miami because she’s never seen again but that’s how it usually goes on this show (Though she does show up later during “The Golden Palace). Fun Fact: the actor who plays the voice of the Director played the Robber who holds up the dog show in the previous episode.  GRADE: A

                                                          It's still cute when you're 35 right?

Little Oreo

Friday, August 24, 2018

Melodrama S6E19

Synopsis: Blanche is worried about her missing on again/off again boyfriend Mel Bushman; Rose auditions for a news reporter job by covering a local dog show.

90s Flashback
Blanche: “What am I gonna do? What on God's green earth am I gonna do?”
Dorothy: “You can stay home tonight. We're gonna watch one of those John Bradshaw specials on PBS.”
Sophia: “Yeah, we're gonna see if we can't get Dorothy's inner child to shut up.”
Blanche: “Good luck.”

Rose: “To tell you the truth, I'm still not ashamed of what I did today. I mean if Deborah Norville stopped for every serious news story that happened around her, she wouldn't be where she is today.”

Animal Alert
Rose [on the TV]: “This is Rose Nylund for Channel 8 News here at the Miami Pet Dog Expo, and I am an eyewitness to something shocking [gunshots] people who look like their dogs!”
Robber: “I said keep quiet and don't move!”
Rose : “That handsome fella you see back there with his hand in the air is Brian Kingsley of Boca Raton. With him is his best buddy Barney, a basset hound you'd swear was a member of his family. As we move closer, you'll notice Barney's collar matches Brian's Rolex… I'm here beneath the information table with Bill Peterson and his similarly profiled bulldog Churchill. It's amazing. That bulldog could be your brother. But I guess you get that a lot.”
Bill Peterson: “Actually I do. [more gunshots] Uh, could we discuss this later?”

Crazy Continuity
Rose had post traumatic stress when their house was robbed. And yet she doesn't seem afraid WHEN THEY'RE HELD AT GUNPOINT. 

Shady Pines, Ma
Rose [pretending to interview Dorothy]: “Isn't it a fact that you have a drawer full of retirement home brochures and you're just waiting for the first sign of dribble on your mother's chin to lock her away forever?”
Dorothy: “She - she's kidding.”
Rose: “Your sock drawer, Dorothy. You know, the - the one you-know-who can't reach?”
Sophia: “I knew you were keeping pictures there, but I had no idea. You disgust me.”
Dorothy: “That sock drawer is my business. Look, those times that Ma makes me crazy, I go into my room and have some pretend time, OK?”
Rose: “This is Rose Nylund signing off in a sad, sad situation.”

Lewd Ladies
Blanche: “The truth is Mel makes me feel young and beautiful and special. When we're together, we laugh a lot.”
Sophia: “Why wouldn't you? You're both naked.”

Insult Watch
Blanche: “Well, it's unspeakable, that's what it is. Absolutely unspeakable.”
Dorothy: “Oh, Blanche, are you pretending you just found your first gray hair again?”
Blanche: “Dorothy, just because you have to walk around lookin' like an English lawyer doesn't mean everybody has to.”

Product Placement
Blanche: “Well, so far nothing seems out of place.”
Rose: “Look at this Exercycle. It's never been used.”
Blanche: “Oh yeah, we've been on it.”
Dorothy: “Don't ask, Ma.”

Sassy Sophia
Blanche: “Everything's changed. It's all new and exciting. In many ways, I feel just the way I felt when I was a virgin.”
Sophia: “You mean, the feeling isn't gonna last long?”
Blanche: “Are you implying I lost my virginity at an early age?”
Sophia: “I'm just saying you're lucky Jack and Jill magazine didn't have a gossip column.”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “Dorothy's right. You're worrying for nothing. I remember back in St. Ol—“
Dorothy: “Hold it right there, Will Rogers. None of us is in the mood to hear one of those St. Olaf stories.”
Rose: “Well then, here's one against your will. But to show you I'm a good sport, I'll get right to the part that'll make Blanche feel better. Ah. Anyway, everybody in the village hated Ingmar. So we grabbed our torches and climbed the hill to his castle and pounded on the great oak door, but there was no answer. So we got a ladder, climbed up to the window, and we peeked in, and to our relief, there was Ingmar lying on the - oh, wait a minute. He was dead.”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “There's more to Mel and me than just the physical, Sophia. We share things. I couldn't be intimate with just anybody.”
Sophia: “Oh, yeah? What about the guy who painted our address on the curb?”
Blanche: “You make it sound like it was a one-night stand. He'll be back when it's faded.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Rose: “The consumer show asked me to test these chemically treated lenses. The theory is they don't fog up when you come in from the cold. Excuse me.” [Sticks head in refrigerator]
Dorothy: “Rose, you wanna run that looking stupid question by us again?”
Rose: “I'm just doing my job.”
Dorothy: “Rose, leave the glasses in the refrigerator, close the door and keep your head out here with us.”
Rose: “How will I know if they fog up?”
Dorothy: “The little man who lives in there who turns the light on and off, he'll tell you.”
Rose: “I'm not in the mood for jokes, especially about the little man, you know he scares me.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Blanche: “Tonight, Mel and I are starting a brand-new relationship. Do you realize how rare it is to find out the person you've been sleeping with is the person you love?”
Dorothy: “No, but you can't go by me, I have morals.”

What, We Can’t Learn From History?
Blanche: “Mel, is that really you?!”
Mel Bushman: “No, it's Claus Von Bulow.”

Literary Intelligentsia
Blanche: “Girls, I do not know what I'm gonna do. I called Mel all last night and all of today. I haven't gotten through to him yet.”
Dorothy: “Oh the nerve. If you wind up having to read a book because of that man.”

The Boob Tube
Rose: “Dorothy, Sophia, I told the news director I was interested in the reporter's position, and guess what he did.”
Dorothy: “A Danny Thomas spit-take?”
Rose: “No, he's giving me an actual news story to cover as an audition.”
[Sophia does a spit-take]

Dorothy: “What is this Bushmania all of a sudden? This is a man you see, what, five times a year? A man you yourself describe as ‘Fred Flintstone with a better car.’”

Reel References
Mel Bushman: “I got a great idea. Why don't you come over to my place? I'm hungry. I'll go down to Wolfie's, I’ll get some pastrami and we can rent Out of Africa.”
Blanche: “We've rented it five times and never made it through to the end.”
Mel Bushman: “I know, but it always works.”

Golden Quotes
Blanche: “That's odd. He's usually home by now.”
Dorothy: “Well, he is the zipper king. Maybe he got stuck in traffic. HA HA!”

Rose: “Tell me the truth, do these glasses make me look stupid?”
Blanche: “Let’s just say they don’t hide it.”

Rose: “Maybe we better think this over. We don't have any right to go breaking into somebody's home.”
Blanche: “We're not breaking in. I have a key. [Blanche pulls out a keyring with dozens of keys] Let's see. Baldwin, Baxter. Ah, here it is. Bushman. No. Oh, that's Al Bushman. Here we go. Mel Bushman.”

Rose: “Oh. Girls, great news. I got my assignment, and it's a biggie. Oh, yeah, a biggie. Real big. Big, big, big.”
Dorothy: “Cat show??”
Rose: “Dog show. Miami's 13th annual.”

Rose: “Oh, I just wish my mother and father were here to see this.”
Blanche: “Because they'd be so proud of you?”
Rose: “No, because they'd be alive.”

Blanche: “Mel and I were meant to be together.”
Sophia: “I wish I could say the same for your thighs. God, I'm hot tonight.”
Blanche: “I'm not gonna stand for this.”
Sophia: “Take it, Dorothy.”
Dorothy: “But I'll bet you'll lay down for it.”
Sophia: “Well, that was just plain rude.”
Blanche: “Some people just don't know when to quit.”

Sophia: “Look how they pamper these dogs. They eat when they want to, sleep when they want to, go to the bathroom anywhere they - hey, I do have it pretty good. Now, if I could just get you to crack the window when you lock me in the car.”
Dorothy: “Ma, stop it.”

Rose: “This is Andy. He's my cameraman. Andy, these are my friends. Where do you think we should set up?”
Andy: “I'm not sure, Mrs. Nylund. To tell you the truth, this is my audition, too. Um, how about over there?”
Rose: “Whatever you say.”
Andy: ““Whatever you say.”
Sophia: “The blind videotaping the blind.”

Yes, yes I know. Who the hell robs a dog show? The guy is a robber, I didn't say he was smart. Dogs do carry lots of money after all. Also, I realize that since it’s a dog show that they’re well behaved, but how was there not one dog that barked? But I digress. There’s a reason this episode is called “Melodrama.” It’s one of the more stupid plots in the sixth season, though not as outlandish as the Cheeseman obviously. Blanche spends half the episode worried about Mel Bushman. Yawn. At least the sight gag with her gigantic key ring made the story worth it. Rose’s story is a little more fun if only for the moment where she pretends to interview Dorothy and exposes her secret stash of retirement home brochures. And Sophia’s meta Danny Thomas spit-take is a fine gag itself, and the second seen on the show. Let’s not forget Blanche spitting Coca-Cola in that Russian guy’s face. What is the deal with this Bushmania after all? Life’s big mysteries. Overall, the episode is fine, with some great lines but one that rarely needs to be revisited often.  GRADE: B

Thursday, August 9, 2018

Older and Wiser – S6E18

Synopsis: Sophia works as Activities Director at Cypress Grove Retirement Home, but it’s just a clever ruse by Dorothy; Blanche and Rose are recruited to model for a Penny Saver flyer.

80s Flashback
Rose: “So life threw the dumb country girl a crumb for once. I mean, you're sexy and beautiful all the time. Let's face it. You have Bette Davis eyes… and Freddy Krueger hands.”

90s Flashback
Sophia: “Oh, look who's here. Everybody remembers my daughter Dorothy. Or maybe you know her by her Indian name, ‘Dances With Nobody.’”

Musical Moments
Sophia: “You put your right foot in. Come on, get 'em in… get 'em in. You take your right foot out. Let's go. Let's go. You put your right foot in and - Hurry up, or we'll never get to the part where you shake it all about on purpose. You do the Hokey Pokey…”
Dorothy: “Oh God. They got into the medication.”

Let’s Get Political
Dorothy: “Oh, Blanche, haven't you had enough problems with photographers? Remember the last time? Sure, the pictures turned out fine, but it cost your friend his party's nomination.”

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Blanche: “Can you believe it? This is the most humiliating thing that's ever happened to me.”
Dorothy: “Ah, how quickly you forget the 1964 Tokyo Olympics.”
Blanche: “Big deal. 80,000 people had to wait twenty minutes. The torch eventually got there, didn't it?”

Animal Alert
Dorothy: “Where have you been?”
Blanche: “Well my plan with the truck drivers didn't work, thanks to Little Miss Strait-laced here, so I have been in every front yard in a six-block radius gettin' these Penny Savers from the paperboys.”
Rose: “She was a woman possessed, Dorothy. Caught some on the fly, scaled a couple of roofs. And she had a brilliant idea how to avoid guard dogs.”
Dorothy: “You made her wear lamb chops again, didn't you?”
Blanche: “It's not like they slow her down.”

Shady Pines, Ma
Dorothy: “Ma, look at this place. It's lovely.”
Sophia: “Don't get any ideas, Pussycat.”
Dorothy: “I'm not getting any ideas, Ma.”
Sophia: “You're scheming. Remember Shady Pines, Dorothy? ‘Honest, Ma, this is the way to the new Dairy Queen.’”

Sophia: “Shady Pines - now, there's a home. Luxury suites, tennis tournaments. Want a massage? Dial nine. And the food. The filet mignon...”
Dorothy: “Oh, really, Ma? Shady Pines had filet mignon?”
Sophia: “One. They'd throw it in the pit and make us fight for it.”

Zbornak Zingers
Rose: “Hi, Dorothy. Cooking?”
Dorothy: “No, Rose, I'm developing pictures from the Magellan space probe.”

Insult Watch
Sophia [to Dorothy]: “Some of those people stayed in front of that TV for eight straight hours. Of course, throw in a bag of cheese corn, and I just described your Saturday nights.”

Blanche: “Oh, look, they have airbrushed liver spots all over us.”
Dorothy: “Tell me about it. You guys look like you should be barking on the front seat of a fire engine… I really would sue.”

Tales from the Old South
Blanche: “I think the worst part about getting older is that overwhelming sense of, where did the time go? I mean was it really that long ago I was just a little girl?”
Dorothy: “Oh, why guess? Lift up your chin, and we'll count the rings.”
Blanche: “Dorothy, I was about to share with you a significant memory from my youth. It was the evening my mother gave birth to Clayton. In the spirit of the happy occasion, Big Daddy and a few of his cronies tied one on and went carousing through the streets of Atlanta, looking for some trouble. Just then, as luck would have it, who rounded the corner but two smart-mouthed New York lawyers. So, one thing led to another, and, well, Big Daddy and his friends ended up sort of skimming them across Higgins Pond. It was all in good fun. Least that was their defense. Anyway, that was the night prohibition started.”
Dorothy: “Blanche, prohibition started in the '20s.”
Blanche: “Oh, I'm sorry. I meant probation. Big Daddy went on probation.”
Dorothy: “And, uh, the point of this sordid song of the South?”
Blanche: “Just that sometimes a daughter has to look after her own parent, as unnatural as that may feel.”

Product Placement
Blan“Oh, girls, it finally happened. The most wonderful thing happened to me at the drug store today.”
Rose: “Oh no. Dr. Scholl was there in person, and I missed it!”
Blanche: “Rose, get new heroes.”

Sassy Sophia
Mr. Porter: “That's Smokey. He fancies himself a ladies' man. Sort of the, uh, the rooster of our little henhouse. Whatever you do, don't dance with him. He'll put the moves on anybody.”
Sophia: “Uh Smokey, I want you to meet my daughter.”
Dorothy: “MA!!”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “Well, it wasn't unnatural in St. Olaf. We not only took care of our old people, we revered them, honored them, put them on a pedestal. 'Course, that's how we got to be the broken hip capital of the Midwest.”
Blanche: “That's a beautiful story, Rose. Very inspirational.”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Oh, Rose, come here, sit down. Listen, I just got off the phone with the Penny Saver. Now, I think I have an idea, OK? They have six delivery trucks. By sheer coincidence, I know two of the drivers. I'm not worried about them. They won't show my picture if I don't show theirs. Now, as I see it, of the four remaining drivers, only Agnes is a real problem. Now, Rose, here's a part of the plan you may not like…”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Dorothy: “Like you never told a lie?”
Rose: “That's right. I've never told a lie. Well, just once, when I snuck out of class to go to the movies.”
Dorothy: “That's not much of a lie.”
Rose: “That's what I thought. Turned out to be the day they taught everything.”
Dorothy: “The final piece of the puzzle.”

Rose: “Can you believe it? I'm beginning to think Blanche is hung up on her looks.”
Dorothy: “Boy, you don't need lightning to strike you.”
Rose: “No, thanks. Not again. Once was enough.”
Dorothy: “An extra piece of the puzzle.”

Lesbian. Lesbian? LESBIAN??
Blanche: “Now we have to stop those Penny Savers. Come on let's go see if we can get your hair greased back and find you a flannel shirt.”

From Feud to Food
Lucille: “Oh, great, great party, Sophia, but where's the junk food?”
Sophia: “I've got a great idea for free pizza. Let's call up that 30-minute pizza place, tell them we're a bunch of college kids, and when the guy gets here, one of us grandmas will open the door and say, “What took you so long??’”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Dorothy: “Now I have to go to work, and I don't want you to worry about me. So I'm going to say to you what you said to me the very first day you dropped me off at school. ‘See if you can find someone who looks clean to drive you home.’”

Blanche: “Do you know what I think the worst part of getting older is?”
Dorothy: “Your face? Rose's hands?”

What, We Can’t Learn From History?
Sophia: “I haven't had a paycheck since 1942, and then I blew it all on war bonds.”
Dorothy: “Well, at least you got it back.”
Sophia: “No, Italian war bonds. I fell for their slick advertising campaign: ‘Buy Italian war bonds - the quickest, surest, fascist way to double your money.’”

The Boob Tube
Dorothy: “Cypress Grove has a great reputation. Did you see the story they did about it on 60 Minutes?”
Sophia: “No.”
Dorothy: “Short piece. It was just Mike Wallace saying, ‘Sorry I bothered you.’”

Reel References
Blanche: “I am going to be a model. There I was, sitting at the lunch counter, and just like Miss Lana Turner, I was discovered. Well, not exactly like Miss Lana Turner.”
Rose: “You mean she was sipping a soda and you were scarfing down your usual lumberjack breakfast.”
Blanche: “Oh, Rose. Silly, silly, water-retaining Rose.”

Golden Quotes
Dorothy: “Ma, you wanna make a good impression? Matching shoes.”
Sophia: “They should match my purse?”
Dorothy: “No, they should match each other.”

Blanche: “Oh girls, what a glorious day. I just feel so pretty and alive and young as a teenager.”
Dorothy: “Oh, that's terrific, Blanche. By the way, you got a phone call this morning from your grandson. He got his driver's license.”

Dorothy: “Ah, Mr. Porter. I'd like you to meet your new activities director, my mother Sophia Petrillo.”
Mr. Porter: “Activities director?”
Dorothy: “Oh surely you remember the conversation we had last – [covering Sophia’s ears] DO THIS FOR ME YOU PROMISED – Activities director...”
Mr. Porter: “Oh, of course I remember.”

Sophia: “Hi, everybody. I'm your new activities director.”
Cypress Grove lady: “What's your name, honey?”
Sophia: “Sophia.”
Cypress Grove lady: “Sophia, move it. You're blockin' the TV.”
Sophia: “Tough room.”

Blanche: “Oh. I have had it with you. I'm going to my room, and I may never come out.”
Rose: “Is it the weekend already??”

Blanche: “Afternoon, Dorothy. My, don't you look lovely today?”
Dorothy: “Why, thank you.”
Dorothy: “Oh. And don't you look, uh, beautiful, vivacious, exquisite and, uh, uh let's see. Breathtaking?”
Blanche: “Dorothy, you know, at some point I'm going to have to start questioning your sincerity. When we get to that point, I'll let you know.”

Rose: “Imagine. These hands, that once reached inside a chicken for a breech birth, will soon grace the pages of a Penny Saver.”
Dorothy: “You've come a long way, baby.”

Sophia: “We older folks have to exercise our minds, too. And don't you forget it, Gloria.”
Dorothy: “Ma, Gloria is your daughter in California.”
Sophia: “Uh, I-I knew that. A mere dramatization to make my point, uh… pal.”

Sophia: “I'm not going to sit here while people are forced to throw in the towel. Have you ever seen what happens to a person when their brain is allowed to disintegrate and their minds turn completely to mush?”
Rose: “Hey! My middle finger's the longest!”

Blanche: “Dorothy, it finally came - the advance copy of our PennySaver ad.”
Rose: “Bet my hands are better looking than your face.”
Blanche: “Bet my face is better looking than your hands.”
Dorothy: “Oh, ladies, ladies, can't we settle this with pistols?”
Blanche: “Oh, my God!!”
Dorothy: “What's the matter, Blanche?”
Rose: “Oh, my God!”
Dorothy: “Oh, come on, no matter what – Oh my God! ‘Does your face look like this? Do your hands look like this? You need Ponce de Leon Anti-Aging Cream…I'd sue.”

Sophia: “Hey everyone, it’s 10 o’clock. Do you care where you’re children are?”
Everyone: “NO!”

I refuse to believe that Shady Pines had tennis tournaments and gave out massages. I do, however, believe they probably had one filet mignon that they’d throw into a pit and make the residents fight for it. In fact, I want to watch that fight right now. But I digress. This is a great episode with many memorable moments. It’s hard to believe that Sophia would even come near a retirement home, let alone want to work for one. But I enjoy all her interactions with the residents. Rose and Blanche’s B story about modeling in the Penny Saver is memorable for several reasons. First of all, I love a good Freddy Kruger reference. It really shows how much the Elm Street series had seeped into the popular culture by this point. And I really appreciate a good lesbian joke; who doesn’t wanna see what Rose would of looked like with her hair slicked back and all tricked out in flannel? (Let alone Blanche scaling roofs and Rose running down alleyways, lamb chops dangling from her waste, being chased by dogs.) And finally, the next time I’m in Hialeah I’ll be sure to check out their cappuccino on Sophia’s recommendation. And of course one of Cypress Grove’s residents is the same familiar actress who played Sophia’s friend Lillian... talk about being typecast. GRADE: A-