Friday, December 29, 2017

The President's Coming! The President's Coming! S5E25

Synopsis: A Secret Service agent interviews the girls to see if their home would be a good stop for President George H. W. Bush to make on his way through Miami.

90s Flashback
Stan: “Inside this box is my best novelty yet, not to mention the perfect tie-in to the President's visit. Ladies the George Bush point of light on a stick.”
“You know, Dorothy, every now and then it dawns on me you had children with this man.”
Dorothy: “Stanley, get out.”
Stan: “Wait. Please. I just took a bath on those Daniel Ortega buttons that say "four more years.'”

Crazy Continuity
Dorothy: “I'm a member of the Sierra Club, and Blanche belongs to the Daughters of the Confederacy.”
Um, let's not forget that in Season 6 Blanche tries to become part of the Daughters of the Old South but gets rejected cause she's a Feldman dammit.

Let’s Get Political
Agent Bell: “We had to run security clearances on everyone. Everyone passed except for you, Mrs.
Sophia:“I can't believe it! I spend one lousy night with Mussolini - and I do mean lousy - and I'm marked for life.”

St. Olaf Vocab
flugelkaka – A Scandinavian hors d'oeuvre

That’s What She Said
Dorothy: “When he comes through that door, I am ready for him.”

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Rose: “Oh, Dorothy, you're not gonna make a scene, are you?”
Dorothy: “Oh, hey, come on. Give me a little credit. I mean, it's not like I'm some kind of hothead.”
Sophia: “Please! I'd put you about even with John McEnroe. Except McEnroe knows when to stop.”

Animal Alert
Rose: “This is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me.”
Dorothy: “More exciting than winning the annual St. Olaf me-and-my-pet look-alike contest?”
Rose: “Yes. But mostly because I don't have to swim with a duck in my mouth.”

Lewd Ladies
Agent Bell: “So let's see if I've got this straight. You and this Max Weinstock were-”
Sophia: “Getting it on.”
Agent Bell: “Thank you.”
Sophia: “If you write that down, make it three times a night. He'd like that. And send me a copy.

Zbornak Zingers
Rose: “I want the President to feel welcome, so I'm making him a sign. It's gonna say 'Welcome, President Bush. We are pleased to have you in our home. We're really thrilled that you're visiting Miami. We hope you have a good time and a safe trip home, and good luck on running the country.'”
Dorothy: "It's catchy, Rose.”

Insult Watch
Sophia: “I can't believe he bought it.”
Rose: “What do you mean, Sophia? We get along great.”
Sophia: “He's got no idea what it's like living with you monkeys.”

Product Placement
Agent Bell: “The President wants to stop at one house on his way to dedicate the senior citizens' center.”
Sophia: “Why he can't he use the Arco station like everyone else??”

Sassy Sophia
“Pussycat, if you're writing to your brother Phil, tell him I said thanks for the Underoos. And Spider-Man scared the hell out of my doctor.”

Back in St. Olaf
Agent Bell: “Now, our records show that you come from a town called St. Olaf. You wanna tell me about it? Mrs. Nylund, are you all right?”
Rose: “It's just that nobody's ever asked before….”

Rose: “Then there was the time Hans Erikson wanted to take an elk to the prom. The whole town was divided on that one….”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “It's a real pleasure, Mr. President. My! You do have a lot of Secret Service men, don't you?”
Secret Service men [in unison]: “Hi, Blanche.”
Blanche: “Hi, fellas!”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Sophia: “Pussycat, are you doing the grocery shopping today?”
Dorothy: “Yeah. Something you want?”
Sophia: “Uh, pick up a couple of chicken breasts, and why don't we say 40 better make that 45 tubes of sunscreen.”
Rose: “Oh, Sophia, I've made that mistake before. The best thing to do is just turn the oven down if you don't want the chicken to burn.”

What, We Can't Learn From History?
Blanche: “What's your gripe with the President, anyway?”
Dorothy: “He calls himself the 'education president,' but our education system has some serious problems. I see the illiteracy, I see dropouts, I see kids who can't even find India on a map.”
Rose: “Well, to be fair, Dorothy, that stumped Columbus too.”

Golden Quotes
Dorothy: “There's a man on our lawn.”
Blanche: “Get the net!”

Agent Bell: “If you don't mind, I'll start with Mrs. Devereaux.”
Dorothy: “Fine. We'll just be waiting in he kitchen.”
Rose: “Not making fun of the Vice President.”

Agent Bell: “Well, I guess you know why I'm here.”
Rose: “Sure. Nobody can leave after just one helping of flugelkaka.”
Agent Bell: “No, ma'am. And don't even kid about that.”

Rose: “I'm a member of the Otto Club of St. Olaf. Actually I'm an honorary member. My name's not Otto.”
Agent Bell: “I don't think that group could be considered subversive.”
Rose: “Subversive?”
Agent Bell: “You know, as in, 'Do you advocate the overthrow of the government by force or violence?'”
Rose: “Violence.”
Dorothy: “Rose!!”

Rose: “I can't believe I'm gonna meet the President of the United States. Oh, if I say something stupid, I'll die.”
Sophia: “Can we make a donation in lieu of flowers?”

Rose: “Hello, Mr. President. Can I ask you something?”
President Bush: “Why, sure.”
Rose: “Is the Oval Office as hard to vacuum as I think it is?”
President Bush: “Well, I don't know. There hasn't been a Hoover in the White House in, oh, 60 years.”

If there's anything worse than a clip show, it's a clip show posing as the Season Finale. Really? As if viewers couldn't remember all the shenanigans the girls had been up to for the past five years. I get it I get it. This was before we could all play whatever episode we wanted at the click of a mouse or with the tap of the finger but it's still lazy lazy lazy. Sure all the clips are great, but it's just filler. This is one of the more preposterous clip show storylines (though not as crazy as season 6's story about Sophia burning down Shady Pines, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it). A few things worth mentioning. Anyone else notice that weird edit after Agent Bells says that there are four senior citizens living in the house? It's as if they cut out a Blanche reaction. I've always wondered if that was part of the original broadcast. I do like the Point of Light on a Stick bit. And Dorothy's eventual confrontation with Bush is actually pretty funny if somewhat corny and anticlimactic. Lastly, the entire second part of the episode is basically a rehash of the Sophia's Wedding episode. Lazy, Lazy, Lazy. Muffin? See you next year for Season Six. GRADE: B-

Monday, December 11, 2017

All Bets Are Off S5E24

Synopsis: Dorothy randomly rekindles her gambling addiction at the track; Rose gets into painting; Blanche dates the new curator from the museum.

Let’s Get Political
Dorothy: “I haven't gambled in 15 years. And I didn't put down any bets for myself today, either. It was just nice to know that I could still pick a winner.”
Sophia: “This from a woman who's got a Dukakis bumper sticker covering up her Mondale bumper sticker?”

St. Olaf Vocab
The Last Pancake Breakfast - St. Olaf's most religious painting

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Dorothy: “Look, Ma, I admit that once I did have a small gambling problem.”
Sophia: “A small problem? You bet against your own son's Little League team!”
Dorothy: “Ma, I had to. I knew that their star pitcher had after-school detention.”
Sophia: “You were his teacher, you gave him detention.”

Lewd Ladies
Blanche: “Sophia, I've decided to wear this little watch on a chain, nestled cunningly in my cleavage. What other accessories do I need?”
Sophia: “Implants.”

Zbornak Zingers
Dorothy: “Rose, the truth is... The truth is, I need the money so my mother can have an operation.”
Rose: “Sophia needs an operation?”
Dorothy: “Well, not an actual operation. She's just going to have her face done.”
Rose: “How's she gonna get it done?”
Dorothy: “Southwestern, Rose!”

Insult Watch
Dorothy: “Ma, what are you doing with my resume?”
Sophia: “Punching it up. How's this? '1946-1984: Took part in extensive anthropological research.”
Dorothy: “Why 'anthropological research?'”
Sophia: “Because it's better than saying 'married to a baboon for 38 years'”

Blanche: “Honey, can't you go to the eye doctor tomorrow?”
Sophia: “Please! I can hardly see my own hand in front of my face.”
Blanche: “That's my hand, Sophia.”
Sophia: “Oh, thank God. I saw so many liver spots, I thought I was being attacked by a Dalmatian.”

Product Placement
Rose: “Hi, you guys. What are you doing up?”
Blanche: “Sophia's old, and I'm filled with anxiety.”
Rose: “Blanche, you can't stay home from work forever. Can't you just swallow your pride?”
Sophia: “There's no room for it. She just scarfed down a bag of Chips Ahoy!”

Sassy Sophia
Dorothy: “Blanche! Honey, what's wrong? You're shaking.”
Blanche: “I have been humiliated and degraded.”
Sophia: “Many times. You just figured it out now?”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “I have to get a horse in this picture while it's still fresh in my mind. I don't know whether to paint Old Silver, the horse who brought the news to St. Olaf that the British had no intention of coming, or Old Brisker, the horse who, because of a printing error on the ballot slips, was elected water commissioner for six months.”

Rose: “I think it's impossible to paint autumn in St. Olaf.”
Dorothy: “How come?”
Rose: “Maybe it's because of the horrible St. Olaf falling leaf story.”
Dorothy: “Please, Rose. If this is a story about a man named Leif, I don't wanna hear it.”
Rose: “It's not that long.”
Dorothy: “No.”
Rose: “It has a surprise ending.”
Dorothy: “All right, Rose. Just the ending, but keep it short.”
Rose: “Splat.”

Best of B.E.D.
Rose: “I can't paint a horse from memory.”
Dorothy: “What you need is a model.”
Blanche: “I know a place where you can see a horse. I know a place where you can see horses and lots of little men in silk pants with whips. Or you could go to the racetrack instead.”

Blanche: “Well, I've decided to take Rose's advice. I'm playing hard to get, like that little possum in your story.”
Rose: “Did I mention the part where you hang upside down from the tree?”
Blanche: “I can do that.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Dorothy: “I had a problem 15 years ago. That's a long time. I've learned a little something since then. A lot has happened. And I've lived with the temptations.”
Blanche: “Well, isn't that something? You think you know somebody, then you find out something like this. Hard to believe.”
Rose: “I'll say. To think Dorothy's lived with The Temptations. I've never even been to one of their concerts.”

Until the Buffalo Pooped…
Sophia: “Dorothy, I want to see you in the kitchen.”
Dorothy: “I'm sorry, Ma, I'm a little busy.”
Sophia: “Fine. I'll eat a bowl of chili and we'll talk later, in your bedroom.”
Dorothy: “Coming, Mother.”

What, We Can't Learn From History?
Rose, discussing her paintings: “I call them Winter of St. Olaf, and Spring of St. Olaf, and Summer of St. Olaf.”
Donald Parker Everett: “Why haven't you painted the Fall of St. Olaf?”
Rose: “Because it hasn't happened yet. Although we came pretty close when New Math came along.”

What Do I Look Like, a Cross Dresser?
Sophia: “You can't lie to your mother. Mothers always know when you lie. Don't you think I knew what your brother Phil was doing in the bathroom when he said he was 'oiling his baseball glove?' He was working on his Simplicity patterns.”

Golden Quotes
Blanche: “Ooh, girls, I have a date with the most cultured, urbane, sophisticated man in the whole world!”
Rose: “You know George 'Goober' Lindsey??”

Blanche: “I would lend you my pass to the jockeys' lounge, but you don't want to date a jockey. The sex is over too fast, and afterwards the only nice thing they have to say to you is, 'Good girl, good girl.'”

Sophia: “Dorothy, I spent too many years denying your father's addiction. He was a gambler to his dying day. In fact, his last words were, '10 bucks says I don't need this oxygen tank.'”

Blanche: “Look, I appreciate your concern, Rose, but I will not go into that museum today. I have my dignity. I have my pride.”
Dorothy: “Oh, Blanche, your copy of Slung magazine just arrived.”
Blanche: “Ooo!”

Sophia: “I was going through your purse and look at what I found. Betting slips. You went to the track again. How could you, Dorothy? I spent the best years of my life trying to give you a sense of moral responsibility.”
Dorothy: “Ma, what were you doing in my purse?”
Sophia: “Stealing.”

Blanche: “Rose, what are you doing?”
Rose: “I heard the creative process is a lot like giving birth, so I'm doing my Lamaze breathing.”
Blanche: “Oh. For a minute there, I thought I wasn't the only one with the invisible man fantasy.”

Rose: “You see this little possum in my St. Olaf painting? Well, every year she goes into her mating ritual, and gives off little signals. I mean, she releases a scent, she changes the way she stands, she makes tiny little whistling noises.
Blanche: “I do that.”
Rose: “Yes, but don't you see? That's all she does. I mean, she plays hard to get. And believe me, it works. I mean, men find her very attractive.”
Blanche: “You mean males?”
Rose: “No, I mean men.”

Dorothy: “So then I went up to the podium, and I said, 'My name is Dorothy, and I have a gambling problem.' You know, when I left Gambler's Anonymous 15 years ago, I thought I'd never have to say those words again.”
Rose: “Well, let's hope this time you get cured.”
Dorothy: “Ah, you're never really cured, Rose. You just have to learn to live each day just one day at a time.”
Rose: “Well, of course you do, Dorothy. I mean if you took them two at a time you'd end up constantly changing your underwear.”
Sophia: “Go ahead, stand up and say it. 'My name is Rose, and I'm an idiot.'”

I'm pretty confident that the entire plot of this episode was built around the joke about The Temptations. Like the writers were all brainstorming one day and one of them says, “Hey wouldn't it be funny if Dorothy says something about living with the temptations of an addiction, and then Rose thinks she's talking about The Temptations.” But I digress. Yes Dorothy's story here is ridiculous, but what sitcom plot isn't ridiculous five years into its successful run? This isn't even the most preposterous plotline. Is it any crazier than Dorothy wanting to be a comedian?? At least there are some good jokes here and they don't go out of their way to be sappy or corny. And the insults, oh the insults! Sophia is pretty vicious here, calling Blanche a human mattress (accurate) and Rose a human speed bump (very accurate). So what if Dorothy's character is a little…. out of character? Ok this episode is kind of goofy, but at least we get brief glimpses of Rose's allegedly amazing paintings that look like they were done by a ten year old. I guess if you're gonna paint like a child, it helps to have the mind of a child. Lastly, for those into such things, this is the final episode of frequent GG director Terry Hughes. Many have noted that the series wasn't quite the same without him. We shall see. Note: I've added a new category called “Until the Buffalo Pooped...” for all potty humor related jokes. GRADE: B+

Friday, December 1, 2017

The Mangiacavallo Curse Makes a Lousy Wedding Present S5E23

Synopsis: The girls attend Dorothy’s goddaughter Jenny’s wedding; Blanche and Dorothy argue over dates, Sophia has cursed the groom’s grandfather, and Rose gets really horny.

90s Flashback
Rose: “Morning, Dorothy.”
Dorothy: “I didn't wanna hear it from Bryant Gumbel, and I don't wanna hear it from you.”

Crazy Continuity
The guy who hits on Rose at the wedding ends up playing the doctor who performs her triple bypass surgery.

Let’s Get Political
Blanche, locked in a bathroom stall: “Dorothy, will you let me out of here?”
Dorothy: “No way, Blanche.”
Blanche: “Oh! Well, you can't do this. It's a violation of my civil rights.”
Dorothy: “Well you have the time, you have the paper. Why don't you sit down and write a long letter to your senator?”

That’s What She Said
Waiter: “Cocktail wiener?”

Lewd Ladies
Rose: “Is it just me, or did anybody else notice the buns on that priest?”

Picture It
Rose: “What's so special about this wedding?”
Sophia: “Dorothy's goddaughter is marrying the grandson of Giuseppe Mangiacavallo.” [spits]
Dorothy: “So?”
Blanche: “Let her tell the story.”
Sophia: “When I was 14 in Sicily, my father arranged a marriage with a neighbor's son. My dowry was two chickens, a ladle, and a goat to be named later.”
Dorothy: “We came from a wealthy family.”
Sophia: “But the day of my wedding, as I stood at the altar, the boy I was to marry was on a cattle boat headed for America. That night, on a tear-stained pillow, I put a curse on him.”
Rose: “A curse?”
Sophia: “Nothing fancy. I remember I said, 'Giuseppe Mangiacavallo, from this day forward, may you and all your future generations never know true love. May you be sterile, and may all your offspring be sterile. May your hair never lie flat, and may your socks always slip down inside your shoes.'”

Zbornak Zingers
Dorothy: “Oh, Blanche, don't you see? We were supposed to look after her. We knew that she gets hot at weddings. She was counting on us.”
Blanche: “You don't look after me when I get hot.”
Dorothy: “That's because I also have a day job.”

Sassy Sophia
Rose: “Miles can't take me to the wedding. He's gonna be out of town at a teaching seminar. Now I can't go.”
Dorothy: “Well that shouldn't keep you from going.”
Rose: “Oh, I have my reasons. It's a long story.”
Sophia: “Gotta run!”

Back in St. Olaf
Blanche: “Now, what's this all about?”
Rose: “Well, it started forty years ago...”
Dorothy: “Oh, my God.”
Rose: “ my wedding in St. Olaf's Great Shepherd Church. Oh, it was beautiful. Especially when all those balloons dropped from the ceiling.”
Dorothy: “You had balloons in the church?”
Rose: “Well, it's not as if we filled them with air. We learned our lesson. I mean, you put air in them, and the St. Olaf Boys' Choir would use them to make those disgusting noises.”
Blanche: “Go on with your story, darling. I care deeply.”
Rose: “Well, after the wedding, Charlie and I had the most exciting, passionate night of our lives. After that, whenever we'd go to a wedding, we'd end up going home and putting on the cast album of Song of Norway, and going crazy on each other!”
Dorothy: “What are you saying, Rose? Weddings get you hot?”
Rose: “Yes.”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Oh, Dorothy, come on. Borrow one of my men. One of my many, many, many, many, many, MANY men!”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Rose: “I have a steady boyfriend, and he's out of town, so unfortunately I'm not available. Unless, of course, you like jazz.”
Doug: “Well, I've got Dizzy Gillespie back at my place.”
Rose: “Does he like jazz?”
Doug: “Why don't we find out?”
Rose: “Okey-dokey, daddio.”

From Feud to Food
Giuseppe Mangiacavallo: “Remember that restaurant in Sicily we used to go to on Sundays? I'd save up all week for one plate of pasta that we'd share.”
Sophia: “The checkered tablecloths, the candle in the Chianti bottle, bad paintings of the Colosseum.”
Giuseppe Mangiacavallo: “You remember!”
Sophia: “No, but the odds were in my favor.”

Literary Intelligentsia
Giuseppe Mangiacavallo: “Sophia, I was hoping we could dance.”
Sophia: “Don't try to kissy up. It's too late. The blight is coming. A plague on both your houses.”
Giuseppe Mangiacavallo: “Actually, I have four houses and a summer home.”

Reel References
Dorothy: “Don't worry, honey. Nothing to worry about. We're here to look out for you.”
Rose: “Oh, I just hope the band doesn't play the St. Olaf Wedding March.”
Dorothy: “I think the chances of their playing that are pretty slim.”
Rose: “Well I don't know. It got awfully popular after Laurel and Hardy started using it as their theme song.”

Sophia: “Uh, this could take a while. And it won't be pretty. Did you ever see The Exorcist?”
Giuseppe Mangiacavallo: “No.”
Sophia: “Good movie. Well, here goes. Oh, sorry, kids. Don't stop on my account. Curse is over.”

Golden Quotes
Rose: “I mean, it was fine while Charlie was alive, but oh, I'll never forget that first wedding after he died. So now you see why I can't go if Miles is gonna be out of town. I might end up almost going to bed with the caterer again.”
Blanche: “Rose, I want to help, but first you have to tell me what the problem is.”

Dorothy: “Doug.”
Blanche: “All right, Doug. But listen. Don't you forget, you be careful. This man is on loan from the Blanche Devereaux collection.”

Blanche: “This is the last time I ever date a doctor. Imagine dumping me for an emergency appendectomy! I just hate it when doctors use the Hippocratic oath as an excuse for everything.”
Dorothy: “Blanche, it was his appendix!”

Blanche: “I feel all warm inside. This must be what they call the joy of giving. Feels a lot like cramps.”

Blanche: “You know, Dorothy, there is a thin line between having a good time and becoming an obvious wanton slut. I know. My toe's been on that line.”

Rose: “Sophia. Am I the only one who feels like ripping her clothes off and doing the Hokey-Pokey?”
Sophia: “No, Rose. I think they're just waiting for someone to get them started.”

Dorothy: “Sounds to me like you two just had a little misunderstanding. NOT FIVE YEARS OF DELIBERATE BETRAYAL OF TRUST!!!”
Blanche: “Dorothy, you do that one more time, I'm gonna write on this wall, ‘For a good time, call Dorothy Zbornak.’”
Dorothy: “Blanche, this is the ladies' room.”
Blanche: “Right!”

Dorothy: “Ma, have you seen Rose?”
Sophia: “She left with Doug. Boy, were her eyes twirling!”

Dorothy: “You know, Blanche, I owe you an apology. How can I be high and mighty about my friendship with you when I can't do Rose the simple favor of keeping her out of trouble? What I have to do is remember you for the person you are, and, accept you for that.”
Blanche: “I'm sorry, Dorothy, what did you say? I thought I had established eye contact with one of the guys in the rhythm section.”

Ok where do I start? I’m still a tad confused about how exactly Dorothy and Sophia are related to Jenny the bride. She calls both Dorothy and Blanche “aunt” and she’s apparently Dorothy’s goddaughter and yet she’s never made an appearance until now. Kinda like Mary the knocked up teen (hopefully she turned out all right). And what a strange coincidence that she happens to be marrying the grandson of the man who shamed Sophia. But I digress. Can we talk about how horny Blanche and Rose are in this episode? I love a wedding as much as the next guy but dear God. I love when Rose is either mean, competitive, or horny, it always makes for a fantastic episode. The way she lusts after the waiter after being offered a cocktail wiener is classic. And then there’s Blanche’s “list.” If Doug is on her B-list then I’d hate to see her C-list. I mean I guess he’s a catch for a menopausal middle-aged woman but geez what a loser. Let’s go back to the whole “Rose gets hot at weddings” thing. I’ve lost track of how many weddings the girls attend on this show. Let’s take Sophia’s wedding with Max. You don’t see Rose grinding up against an Elvis impersonator. It feels a little random but I can’t fault it, it adds up to some great comedic moments. GRADE: A-