Monday, May 9, 2022

One Flew Out of the Cuckoo’s Nest S7E25

Synopsis: In the series finale, Blanche’s Uncle Lucas comes to visit and she pawns him off on Dorothy. To get even with her, Dorothy and Lucas scheme to pretend to fall in love and get married. But then they fall in love for real. And the sex is so good they named it!

Musical Moments

Blanche, [thinking]: “Oh, look at her. I've never seen Dorothy look so happy. Okay, that once, but she didn't know I was watchin'. And she looks so beautiful. Oh, my God, if a woman with all my gifts is jealous of her, I can't imagine what a woman like Rose must be thinkin'.”

Rose, [thinking]:Hi-ho, the derry-o The farmer in the dell/The farmer takes a wife The farmer takes a wife.”

That’s What She Said

Dorothy: “What do you have in mind?”

Uncle Lucas: “Well, she jerked us around. Let's jerk her right back.”

Shady Pines, Ma

Dorothy: “Look, Lucas, no offense, but hardware doesn't sound terribly romantic. So when you come by tomorrow, why don't you tell Blanche that you took me to hear the Emerson String Quartet?”

Uncle Lucas: “I love it. Do you think they might buy that afterwards we frolicked in the ocean?”

Dorothy: “Oh, gosh, I haven't frolicked since... uh well, since... Since the day I dropped my mother off at Shady Pines. Coincidentally, that was the last time I did a cartwheel. It was a good day.”

Lewd Ladies

Blanche: “Well, now to be honest, it is a little difficult for me. I mean, everything happened so fast. My God, you and Lucas probably haven't even slept together yet.”

Dorothy: “Blanche, don't be ridiculous. I mean, I know he's your uncle, but you have to realize that we're both adults and capable of a caring, warm relationship.”

Rose: “How was the sex?”

Dorothy: “So good we named it!”

Blanche: “You got everything you need?

Uncle Lucas: “Yeah, I guess so. Gonna be a great honeymoon. Me, Dorothy and Freddy Peterson.”

Blanche: “Who's Freddy Peterson?”

Uncle Lucas: “That's what we named it.”

Dorothy: “I have packed my last suitcase.

Uncle Lucas: “You ready, Dorothy?”

Dorothy: “Ready, Freddy.”

Uncle Lucas: “Dorothy, they know.”

Zbornak Zingers

Blanche: “I don't know what to say!”

Dorothy: “Well, whatever you decide, make sure you start with ‘Aunt Dorothy.’”

Sophia: “Oh, pussycat, look at you. But to tell you the truth, I was hoping you'd use my wedding dress.”

Dorothy: “That's nice, Ma. As what? A hand puppet?”

Insult Watch

Rose: “If you ask me, Blanche, your Uncle Lucas is nothing but lonely. Desperate, pathetic, and lonely.”

Dorothy: “Right.”

Rose: “Hey, Dorothy, you two might just hit it off.”

Blanche: “Uncle Lucas is nothing of the sort. Dorothy, he is so excited about this date because I gave him a full description of you.”

Dorothy: “Well, I can understand that. I mean, women like me don't grow on trees.”

Sophia: “Too bad. We could use the shade.”

Product Placement

Dorothy: “Ma, do you mind if we move Scrabble to Sunday?”

Sophia: “I'll live.”

Dorothy: “There's no need to be sarcastic.”

Sophia: “No, I mean it. I'm finally going to go out and live.”

Blanche: “How in the name of Mother Dixie can a woman named ‘Zbornak’ appreciate the majesty of Hollingsworth Manor?”

Sophia: “Sitting on the veranda with her mother.”

Blanche: And what makes you think the newlyweds are gonna welcome you on the premises?

Sophia: “What are you saying?”

Blanche: Uncle Lucas may not be as fond of nasty, hateful, life-scarring barbs as the rest of us are.”

Sophia: “And your point is?”

Blanche: “Dorothy and Lucas may not want you around.”

Sophia: “Say, there's a fly in the Metamucil.”

Sassy Sophia

Sophia: “You know, Rose, I'm really enjoying this. You and I having a quiet cup of coffee together.”

Rose: “Me, too, Sophia. Because you know...”

Sophia: “I said quiet!”

Sophia: “So, you wanna be a Sophia? Okay. Lesson one. Criticism. I think it makes adult children stronger. It also makes them self-conscious, which I think is funnier. Okay, you're talking to your loved ones, complete this sentence. ‘I'm tired of spending time with you miserable...’ A. Gypsies. B. Bottom feeders. C. Howler monkeys.”

Rose: “Howler monkeys.”

Blanche: “Howler monkeys.”

Sophia: “The correct answer is... C. Howler monkeys!”

Back in St. Olaf

Rose: “Did anybody ever stop to think how all this makes me feel?”

Blanche: “Well, all right, Rose, how does it make you feel?”

Rose: “To be honest, a little bit like Mr. Snuffles.”

Sophia: “Blanche, would you mind? You're closer to the knife drawer.”

Rose: “One summer, when I was a little girl, Henrietta, our pig, gave birth to a litter of six. And the next day, my father won the annual St. Olaf watermelon-seed spitting contest and he brought home a prize piglet.

Blanche: “Mr. Snuffles.”

Rose: “Exactly.”

Sophia: “You're listening?”

Rose: “Anyway, I loved Mr. Snuffles. I watched him grow. I suffered with him. The way Henrietta's brood made him feel like such an outsider. It was an awful thing to see.”

Sophia: “Hey, hearing it is no walk in the park.”

Rose: “Mr. Snuffles never did get over his feeling of alienation. He grew fat and despondent. The last report we had on him, he stowed away in a truck to Chicago and tearfully surrendered himself to the Oscar Mayer people. I don't want that to happen to me, Sophia.”

Sophia: “We can't promise you that, Rose.”

Best of B.E.D.

Rose: “Blanche, it doesn't sound like a dilemma at all.”

Blanche: “You know, Rose, you're right. Family you can see any time. But a one-night stand only happens one night.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose

Blanche: “Girls, you will never believe what happened to me at the supermarket yesterday.”

Rose: “Um, you were in a real hurry and you needed to go through the express lane, but you had 25 items, so you went through three times. Once with ten items, once with nine items, and once with six items.”

Blanche: “No, Rose. What kind of a moron would do that?”

Uncle Lucas: “Dorothy, I know this sounds impetuous. I know we just met, but I'm at that stage in my life where I can't afford to waste time. Dorothy, I love you and I want to know. Will ya... Will ya...”

Rose: “I think he's gonna ask her out again!”

Lesbian. Lesbian? LESBIAN??

Rose & Blanche [hugging]: “Oh, I'm gonna miss you.”

Sophia: “I just love to watch you... Whoa! What is this? Wimbledon?”

What, We Can't Learn From History?

Uncle Lucas: “Dorothy, I didn't mean to intrude without calling, but I didn't sleep last night for thinking about you.

Dorothy: “Oh, no intrusion. I was afraid that I'd never see you again.”

Uncle Lucas: “Never see me again? I'd buy a julep for the ghost of General Grant before I'd let that happen.”

Dorothy: “Oh, I was hoping you'd say that.”

Sophia: “Now, listen, Johnny Reb. You marched through my front door a total stranger and asked for my daughter's hand in marriage without telling me two words about yourself.”

Uncle Lucas: “What do you wanna know?”

Sophia: “Do you have any money?”

Uncle Lucas: “Quite a bit, ma'am.”

Sophia: “Your mother, is she still alive?”

Uncle Lucas: “No.”

Sophia: “She is now.”

Uncle Lucas: “You're absolutely right. The columns must come down. The new Hollingsworth Manor should be red brick. Cape Cod. Blanche, I didn't know you were home. Haven't seen too much of you this trip, sugar plum.”

Blanche: “That's because you've been too busy Yankee Doodlin'.”

Dorothy: “Blanche, I'm sure you don't mean that. You'll feel differently when you come to the hoe-down we're throwing on the anniversary of Lee's surrender.”

From Feud to Food

Sophia: “Well, if it ain't the kinfolk!”

Dorothy: “Ma, where did you get that outfit?”

Sophia: “I bought it. Figured five Halloweens, it'll pay for itself. Hope you brought your appetite, young fella. I know you're gonna be pleased with the dinna. Corn pone, succotash, collard greens. And them's just the appetizers! A mess o' something. I'll skeer us up a mess o' something.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal

Dorothy: “Oh, look at this one. Scrunched-up little frown. Kind of reminds me of my mother.”

[smashes crab]

Sophia: “You know, I think he's just nuts enough to actually turn up at the wedding tomorrow.”

Dorothy: “You're a furry little gnome, and we feed you too much.”

Reel References

Sophia: “Con Dorothy into it.”

Blanche: “Conning Dorothy is a thought, but I don't know if I have it in me to do all the persuading, all the convincing, and... Oh, my God, is that Dorothy? Or Miss Lana Turner emerging from her morning toilette?”

Dorothy: “It's Lana with a message from Dorothy. Whatever the favor is, forget it.”

Dorothy: “Well, he was so thoughtful and considerate, affectionate...”

Blanche: “With whom?”

Dorothy: “With me. No, I had the time of my life last night. And even if he never calls again, at least we'll always have Don's Crab House.”

Sophia: “Ingrid Bergman had Paris, my pussycat has crabs.”

The Boob Tube

Sophia: “Cocktails!”

Dorothy: “Oh, how classy. A tribute to Hop Sing.”’

Final number of Neiman Marcus references throughout the show: 7

Golden Quotes

Uncle Lucas: “Are you kidding? A Brooklyn Italian living in Hollingsworth Manor?”

Dorothy: “But wait a minute. How did you know that I was a Brooklyn Italian?”

Uncle Lucas: “Oh, that's how Blanche refers to you in her letters.”

Dorothy: “Yes, she must be punished.”

Rose: “Oh, I think it's romantic. It's like something out of a '40s movie. Strong, handsome, daring, and now she's got a man!”

Rose: “I'm really enjoying this, sitting here, just the three of us, having quiet cup of coffee together.”

Sophia: “Me, too. Because we don't...”

Rose: “I said coffee! So, how does it feel?”

Sophia: “Shame. I feel shame.”

Rose: “Look, if anybody has a right to complain, it's me. When Dorothy gets married, think about this, she'll be a Hollingsworth. Lucas and Blanche are already Hollingsworth. Sophia will be a Hollingsworth-in-law. Everybody will be related but me.”

Sophia: “Now, that's what I call family planning.”

Uncle Lucas: “Dorothy... Dorothy, will you marry me for real?”

Dorothy: “For real?”

Uncle Lucas: “For real.”

Dorothy: “Oh, yes, Lucas. Oh, yes, oh, yes.”

Sophia: “Is it my stroke or did they do this already?”

Sophia: “Listen, Luke, I want you to know I don't feel like I'm losing a daughter. I feel like I'm gaining a sucker... son! Son. Where did that come from? Oh, the mind, huh?”

Uncle Lucas: “I can't wait to be your son.”

Sophia: “Oh, you are delightful. Such a gem. Here. Get yourself a girl tonight. We'll understand.”

Dorothy: “Ma, please. We're trying to have a private moment.”

Sophia: “Private, please. What's private? I diapered you.”

Dorothy: “Yeah, but you didn't diaper Lucas.”

Sophia: “I'd like to. Ah, listen to me, I'm as giddy as a 60-year-old.”

Dorothy: “We've all learned a lot from each other. Ma taught me life does not end because you've reached a certain age. And I've become much more comfortable with my sexuality because of Blanche. And Rose has taught me... Rose has taught me...”

Uncle Lucas: “It's not important.”

Dorothy: “No, wait, no, I can do this. Rose has taught me...”

Uncle Lucas: “Let it go.”

Dorothy: “I need some time with this. Anyway, because of them I feel that I'm ready to love you. A square knot! Rose taught me how to tie a square knot.”

Uncle Lucas “Pussycat, huh? Nobody's called me that since the Navy.”

Blanche: “Dorothy's not here right now.”

Rose: “Yeah. And if she was, what's the worst thing she could do to us?”

Blanche: “Right. Can she intimidate us?”

Rose: “Could she physically harm us?”

Blanche: “Can she make life miserable for us?”

Rose: “Blanche, she can do all those things.”

Blanche: “I know it. I know it.”

Dorothy: “All right, Stanley, the truth. Things have been going so well with Lucas I didn't want to deal with you. But, as Freud said, our beds are crowded. When I sleep with Lucas, I'm not alone. There's this phantom of you there, and he has the haunts of his prior relationships, and, well, I... I can't pretend you're not a part of me.”

Stan: “So, what are you saying, you slept with this guy?”

Dorothy: “Stanley, you're missing my point. We named it!”

Dorothy, [thinking[: “Oh, and there's Lucas. So handsome. So strong. And he's right here with me. Lucas, you can probably hear every word I'm thinking.”

Uncle Lucas, [thinking]: “Yes, Dorothy, I can.”

Reverend, [thinking]: “Remember, ‘ESP.’ Energy! Smile! Personality! They like me!”

Reverend: “Dearly beloved, we are assembled here in the sight of God and these witnesses to join this man and this woman in matrimony, to marry them husband and wife in both interest and destiny...”

Dorothy, [thinking]: “I'm here. I'm standing here and he's standing there. And I actually love him. I love the man. And not out of desperation. Dorothy Zbornak has finally conquered her desperation...”

Reverend: “Dorothy-”

Dorothy: “I DO!”

Blanche: “Dorothy, you don't have to say anything.”

Rose: “I mean, what can you say about seven years of fights and laughter. Secrets. Cheesecake.”

Dorothy: “Just that, uh, it's been very uh.. well, it's been an experience that I'll always keep very close to my heart. And that these are memories that I'll wrap myself in when the world gets cold and I forget that there are people who are warm and loving and...”

Blanche: “We love you, too. You’ll always be a part of us.”

Dorothy: “Your friendship was something I never expected in this point in my life and I never could have asked for a better surprise.”

Blanche: “That's how we feel, too.”

Dorothy: “I have to go.”

Rose: “Dorothy, is this goodbye?”

Dorothy: “I love you, always.”

Dorothy: “You’re angles. All of you.”

Dorothy: “You’ll always be my sisters. Always.”


This grand finale is a PERFECT episode of The Golden Girls. We get everything a good episode has, St Olaf stories, insults, references to Shady Pines, silly outfits, Rose being dumb, Blanche being selfish, Sophia being sassy, and Dorothy being sarcastic, and of course lesbian references. It sends the show off in style and grace and marries Dorothy off to Blanche’s uncle. Sure we’ve never met him before but it’s LESLIE GODDAMN NIELSEN. (Nielsen is one of several Airplane! alums to have appeared on the show including Peter Graves, David Leisure, and Ann Nelson) Bea and Leslie go perfectly together. All the jabs at Blanche and her crazy Southern ways are really fun. The way she reacts to Dorothy throwing a hoe-down in honor of Lee’s surrender is *chef’s kiss*! I’ve always enjoyed how the writers and producers ended the show. At the time there were really only a few stock ways to end a TV program. To either marry someone off, kill someone, or shut down the business of wherever the show was taking place. They almost killed Rose in the last one, and since the show didn’t revolve around a business (at least not yet), having Dorothy get married and leave the nest makes perfect sense. I’ve always wondered if Dorothy ever told Blanche that they were originally only joking? They obviously must have been confuse when Lucas proposed twice (but he probably would have anyways). I mean Sophia thought she was having another stroke. But I digress.

The episode is filled with classic lines, insults, and beautiful moments of poignancy. I love that Stan makes a return and he and Dorothy have a sweet moment. I guess I have to also talk about the DRESS. Yeah it’s pretty ugly but at this point it’s nothing less than ICONIC. Speaking of things that make you wanna cry, this finale makes me very emotional and every tear is earned. The show’s closing moments have me welling up Every. Single. Time. And I’ve watched this episode literally thousands of times. I’m pretty certain I cry at this scene more as an adult than I ever did as a teenager watching the Lifetime reruns. Even the way Sophia says “Goodbye my girls” to the Polaroid of Blanche and Rose gets me. The whole thing gets me. The way Dorothy back in through the door and then in from the back of the house – which is obviously a meta moment because it’s not a real house – is really wonderful. The way Rose turns around, expecting Dorothy to burst in through the kitchen door is cute. And that final hug and real tears on the actresses faces. It’s goddamn glorious and moving. Of course it’s odd that Rose and Blanche would still want to live with Dorothy’s almost 90 year old mother; it seems like a big responsibility, right? It’s not like they end up selling the house and buying a hotel together… GRADE: A

Note: And that concludes this meeting of the Hunka Hunka... uh, I mean my blog Oh Shut Up Rose. Today is May 9th, 2022 and it is the 30th anniversary of the airing of The Golden Girls series finale. I started this blog 7 years ago on September 14th, 2015 on the 30th anniversary of the pilot's airing. I want to thank all the little people for reading this blog. Thank you little people! But really, it's been an honor cataloguing the best quotes from the show and giving my opinions on every single episode. I hope you all had as much fun as I had writing it. And I hope you've enjoyed me photoshopping myself onto the Girls' faces. I hope it hasn't given you nightmares. You're angels, all of you. 


Sunday, May 8, 2022

Home Again, Rose Part 2 S7E24

Synopsis: Rose is being prepared for heart surgery but the hospital staff won’t allow Blanche, Dorothy, and Sophia to see her. Rose’s daughter Kirsten joins them at the hospital and is in a MOOD.

90s Flashback

Sophia: “Sorry I'm late. Dorothy, chin up. Posture's important.”

Dorothy: “God, she's alive!”

Sophia: “By the way, Dorothy, I sold that video of you falling into the gorilla pit to America's Funniest Home Videos.”

Dorothy: “Ma, how could you?”

Sophia: “I won! Of course, it was a lot funnier when they added the sound effects. Boink, boink, boink, boink, DOING!”

Crazy Continuity

Dorothy: “Honey, we made a pact a few years ago that if anything happened to any one of us, the other three would take care of her. Sort of an extra insurance policy.”

I’d like to think this is in reference to the “Sophia’s Choice” episode where they all promised to take care of each other and go to the nursing home together.

Musical Moments

Sophia: “And then the strangest thing happened. They put the baby's last name in the window and it was Rheingold.”

Blanche: “What was so strange about that?”

Sophia: “Rheingold. Rheingold was Sal's favorite beer. He was always walkin' around the apartment singing that damn jingle, ‘My beer is Rheingold the dry beer.’”

Blanche: Think of Rheingold whenever you buy beer”

Dorothy: “It's not bitter, not sweet”

BOTH: “It's the extra dry treat/Won't you try extra dry Rheingold beer?”

Kirsten: “Well, I'm glad to see my mother's illness hasn't upset you all.”

Dorothy: “Rose never takes anything for granted. She's never afraid to try something new.”

Blanche: “You remember the time she took that playwriting course?”

Dorothy: “Oh. She turned Mary Had a Little Lamb into a musical.”

Sophia: “Don't laugh. Blanche was terrific as Mary. And I made a pretty good lamb, even though my knees were killing me for weeks. And Dorothy's performance stole the show.”

Dorothy: “Come on, I mean how could you not with material like that? I am the wolf Boom, boom/The big bad wolf/Boom, boom/Hello-”

Kirsten: “I'm really glad you all are having such a good time.”

Animal Alert

Rose: “How did you die, Dorothy?”

Dorothy: “Well, you know that sign at the gorilla cage at the zoo, ‘Do not lean over the fence?’

Blanche: “Yeah?”

Dorothy: “They mean it!”

Shady Pines, Ma

Sophia: “Your mother loves you very much. Just last week she was saying how much she missed you. Sometimes mothers and daughters drift apart. Dorothy and I did.

Dorothy: “I put her away.”

Sophia: “She sure did.”

Lewd Ladies

Sophia: “Don't worry, kiddo. We're all here. You're gonna be fine. Dorothy is here. Blanche is here. She wants you to get out of the bed, so she can use it. There's a cute doctor she's got her eye on.”

Brooklyn: A Fairyland

Sophia: “Pussycat, we all deal with this in our own way. Some people make nervous little jokes, some people cry. Remember how you went to the maternity ward?”

Dorothy: “Gee, I had forgotten that.”

Blanche: “What about the maternity ward?”

Sophia: “When Dorothy's father was sick in the hospital, she and I would go upstairs and visit the maternity ward. The night Sal died, I went looking for Dorothy and found her there. I remember because they were just putting a newborn in his bassinet and I thought, ‘That baby must have been born just as Sal died.’ He even looked like Sal. Of course, all babies looked like Sal. Especially when he took out his teeth. Oh God, I miss that man.”

Zbornak Zingers

Blanche: “Nurse, now we realize that the hospital has rules, and you have to try to uphold those rules. But you have to realize that this is a very special case. So I'm gonna quote from the Bible just to show you how determined we really are. Now the Good Book says, um... ‘O, Neither rain, nor sleet, nor... Nor dark of night, shall keepeth uth from our appointed rounds.’ Amen. I can see you are a non-believer.”

Dorothy: “I think it's nice that you're trying to quote the Bible. The only thing that's been in more hotel rooms than she has, and she can't remember a word of it.”

Insult Watch

Kirsten: “You know, ever since she moved in with you guys, I don't understand what her life is like anymore. She... She's always out with the girls. And there's always these weird things. Like, one time I pulled into your driveway, and you were dressed in a petticoat, you were dressed like a lamb, and you were both getting in the car with a big, scary dog.”

Dorothy: “Wolf. I was a wolf.”

Blanche: “Oh, God, Dorothy, look at her.”

Dorothy: “It's the surgery. Nobody looks good after surgery.”

Sophia: “Tell that to Cher.”

Sassy Sophia

Blanche: “Oh yeah, that's right. You went through heart surgery, too, didn't you, Sophia?”

Sophia: “No, I take nitroglycerin because I want to explode.”

Back in St. Olaf

Dorothy: “Look... You have never met this woman's family. They live in a place called St. Olaf. They fight over whether it's macaroni and cheese, or cheese and macaroni. They have given cows the right to vote. A magician once pulled a rabbit out of a hat. They burned him as a witch. Don't look at me like that. I'm telling you the truth.”

Nurse: “Look, I'm sure you're very close to Mrs. Nylund, and I know you feel like a family...” Sophia: “Well, I am family. I'm her long lost Swedish mother.”

Nurse: “You're her Swedish mother? Ja. Ja. You bet yer sure. Oh, come on, let me in.”

Best of B.E.D.

Dorothy: “So, Blanche, how did you die?”

Blanche: “I was 92-years-old, and I'd just met this really cute little tennis instructor, so I told him I needed lessons. Well, he came over to the house and I was in the bathtub. So I asked him if he would mind spongin' off my back. He said, ‘Sure.’ So I waited a little while before I made my move and then-”

Dorothy: “Oh this is disgusting. I mean, right up until the end you...”

Sophia: “My final words were, ‘Thank you, baby. Glub, glub, glub.’”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose

Dorothy: “Wait. Do you really think it's such a great idea to scream "surprise" at someone who just had heart surgery?”

[Rose enters]

Dorothy, Blanche, Sophia [whispering]: “Surprise.”

Rose [whispering]: “For who??”

Blanche [whispering]: “For you!”

Until the Buffalo Pooped...

Sarah: “I have to go to the bathroom.”

Blanche: “Oh come on, darlin'. I'll take you.”

Sophia: “And bring back some of those paper seat covers. Hey, you collect stamps!”

What, We Can't Learn From History?

Dorothy: “How did this happen?”

Blanche: “I remember. That moron made us promise we'd have our heads frozen and meet 100 years later.”

Dorothy: “And we did it?”

Rose: “I guess so. But I thought they'd have given us bodies by now.”

Dorothy: “What the hell made you think that people would be lining up to donate their bodies? God, we look like a reunion of Henry VIII's wives.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal

Sophia: “My heinie's asleep.”

Dorothy: “Fine. We'll keep our voices down.”

The Boob Tube

Rose: “And there's something else I want to tell you. Now lean in close. This is very important: ‘LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!’ Wow, this stuff really packs a wallop!”

Golden Quotes

Dorothy: “Oh I still can't believe it. They're not gonna let us in to see Rose.”

Sophia: “I bought some food.”

Dorothy: “I mean, this is ridiculous.”

Sophia: “Tell me about it. $11.50 for coffee and donuts?”

Dorothy: “Ma, where did you get the money for this?”

Sophia: “I took it from your purse.”

Blanche: “Oh, Sophia, you know what the Bible says, ‘Thou shalt not steal.’”

Sophia: “Hey, she got one!”

Kirsten: “Mom, listen to me, you have to promise me that you're gonna be okay. I don't want anything to happen to you. I want you to be around for a long time.”

Rose: “Oh don't worry, sweetheart, I'll be around. I'm gonna have my head frozen. So are Dorothy and Blanche and Sophia. And someday, they'll find a cure and then they'll unfreeze us. Isn't that a good idea, Kirsten?”

Kirsten: “How much of this stuff did you give her?”

Dr. Shrewsbury: “How are you feeling, Mrs. Nylund? You ready to go?”

Rose: “That's a good question, Mr. Carson. But first I'd like to sing a number from my new album.”

Dr. Shrewsbury: “Yep, she's ready.”

Dorothy: “Ma, how can you still be alive? You have to be 200 by now.”

Sophia: “No, I died a long time ago. I had my head frozen.”

Blanche: “Yeah, but how did you get a body so fast?”

Sophia: “You didn't tip the guy?”

Rose: “Well, at least that proves they can do it. How do you like your new body, Sophia?”

Sophia: “Love it. I've got the body of a 25-year-old. And I'm in luck. The in-thing now is young bodies with old heads.”

Rose: “Oh, girls, I had the most wonderful dream. Sophia, you had the body of a 25-year-old. And Blanche, you were having sex till you were 92. And Dorothy, you... Well, you met somebody who couldn't keep his hands off you.”


Ok I remember watching this on Lifetime back in the day and actually thinking they were gonna kill off Rose. They should of killed of Kirsten instead. Had her choke on a Rice Krispies log. Joke joke, just a joke! The general consensus among the fandom is that most don’t particularly like the Kirsten character either here or in her bonder season 1 appearance. At least this time, she’s extremely and understandably upset about her mother’s health and in no joking mood. But I do sort of enjoy the tension created between Kirsten and the other three girls and some of the humor that comes out of it. Dorothy singing “I am the wolf, boom boom, the big bad wolf, boom boom, hello” while Kirsten SHOOTERS HER DAGGERS is a really funny moment.

What is really special about the second half of this hour long episode is that I sort of read this storyline as a gay allegory. The girls aren’t allowed to see Rose because they’re not family. But they are a "chosen family" of course but not blood related. So many gay people were denied being able to see dying or hurt loved ones in hospitals for years before gay marriage was legal. And of course this show has always appealed to an LGBTQ audience because of the whole chosen family concept that many in this community identity with.

And finally of course, OF COURSE, the dream sequence in which Rose, Dorothy, and Blanche appear as thawed heads on the kitchen table is another CLASSIC sequence of ridiculous hilarity. I love the way Estelle moves in this scene, really trying to sell the fact that she has a young person’s body. So many good lines here, I can’t imagine one Golden Girls fan not citing this scene as an all-time favorite. This second parter really moves flawlessly from drama to comedy within seconds and is a fantastic conclusion to this classic hour of sitcom TV and really sets the stage for the even more classic FINAL episode. Holy crap. GRADE: A


Saturday, May 7, 2022

Home Again, Rose Part 1 S7E23

Synopsis: The girls decide to crash a local high school reunion but the laughs turn to sadness when Rose suffers a heart attack; Blanche’s daughter Janet and granddaughter Sarah visit.

Shady Pines, Ma

Sophia: “I remember when people used to die at Shady Pines. I hated the way the nurses used to break the news: ‘Guess who's getting two desserts tonight?’ It was so transparent.”

Blanche: “Oh my God, Dorothy, I just had another horrible thought. What if Rose had a major stroke? What if she is left completely unable to care for herself? What would we do?”

Dorothy: “We would bring her home. That's what we would do. If she had a stroke, we'd take care of her. She's family.”

[Sophia clears throat]

Dorothy: “Right. And then we'd send her to Shady Pines.”

Lewd Ladies

Sarah: “Can we go to Monkey Village, Grandma?”

Blanche: “Why, yes, darlin'. We can go anywhere and do anything you want on God's magnificent Earth.”

Janet: “ Boy, you're sure in a good mood for a Sunday mornin'. Uh-oh. Sarah and I can wait in the kitchen if you need a few minutes to say goodbye to Uncle whoever.”

Brooklyn: A Fairyland

Sophia: “Oh, pussycat, I think you haven't changed a bit since your prom.”

Dorothy: “Really?”

Sophia: “No, I'm lying. Gee, why do you press me on these things?”

Dorothy: “Look, you're not going to spoil this for me. Tonight, I get to be the person I want to be. No baggage. I am free. Nobody has to know that I haven't fulfilled my dreams, or that I got pregnant in high school, or that I stay home on Saturday nights.”

Sophia: “Then what the hell am I supposed to talk about?”

Insult Watch

Rose: “To tell you the truth, I think I'm a little afraid.”

Blanche: “Afraid of what?”

Rose: “Afraid of looking stupid.”

Sophia: “Ho!”

Rose: “I think this whole thing is wrong. I mean, we're going to this reunion and deceiving people and changing our past histories. To me, that's almost like lying. And that's against everything I am.”

Dorothy: “Rose, what's the natural color of your hair?”

Rose: “I'll get the car.”

Product Placement

Sophia: “Look at this. Vaseline. Bengay. Oh wow, look at this wonderful thermometer! Ouch! Stop me, I'm like a kid in a candy store!”

Dorothy: “Ma, don't take that stuff.”

Sophia: “Come on, Pussycat. They expect us to take it. It's like hotel soap.”

Sassy Sophia

Dorothy: “Ma, what's wrong with you? You've been leaving the toilet seat up all week.”

Sophia: “Thank God, I thought I was losin' weight.”

Blanche: “Girls, you've gotta help me. What is somethin' the three of us could do together?”

Sophia: “Well, we could sneak into Rose's room, put on some of her hayseed dresses, then do imitations of her-”

Blanche: “No, no, no, not the three of us. I mean Janet and Sarah and I.”

Sophia: “Oh, the three of you. I don't care.”

Back in St. Olaf

Rose: “I just got a letter from back home all about my high school reunion. I didn't know I was gonna miss such a good time. Listen to this, ‘Dear Rose, you sure did miss a good time. The precision drill team wasn't the same without you. We could only spell out St. Oaf.’”

Dorothy: “You know, Rose, you didn't get to go to your high school reunion because you weren't feeling well. Maybe if you'd been to see a doctor, you could've gone.”

Rose: “You don't understand. I'm from St. Olaf. St. Olaf is farm country. We're rough and rugged. We never see doctors. Never. In fact, my great-grandfather once removed his neighbor's appendix and he wasn't even sick.”

Dorothy: “Why would he do that?”

Rose: “Let's just say they were playing poker and the stakes got a little high.”

Best of B.E.D.

Blanche: “Oh this is all my fault. This is all my fault.”

Dorothy: “Blanche, what are you talking about?

Blanche: “Well, don't you see? I was the one who knew she wasn't feelin' well, and yet I insisted she go to that old reunion. How can I be so self-centered? I couldn't even hear a cry for help. Oh, all I ever think about is me. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me!”

Dorothy: “Blanche, we all knew she wasn't feeling well.”

Blanche: “Do you mind, I'm talkin' about me.”

Blanche: “Dear God, I know it's been an awful long time since I've done this, and I'm sorry. You have given me a lot to be thankful for. My wonderful children, my health, a beautiful body, legs to die for. A face that is stunningly sexy and yet has the innocence of a child, with luscious lips that just invite...

Dorothy: “He knows what you look like, Blanche.”

Blanche: “Yes, you know what I look like and I just wanted to say good job. Oh but, dear God, I do have a favor to ask. Could you please spare my friend Rose? Now, I know I haven't been perfect, but if you can just let her live, I promise I'll try to be a better person. And if, in your infinite wisdom, you decide to start the aging process on me, I will understand. And I promise I will not have sex with anyone... unless they really, really need it. Amen.”

Blanche: “I thought maybe the three of us could go to church together just like good people.”

Janet: “Oh, you know how I feel about organized religion. It makes me crazy. And I do not want Sarah's head filled with stories about a God who may or may not exist.”

Blanche: “Well honey, of course He exists. Just look at the beautiful sky, the majestic trees. God created man and gave him a heart and a mind and thighs that could crack walnuts.”

Janet: “Mother!”

Blanche: “Oh, I'm sorry. I came to religion late.”

Janet: “I'd say.”

Blanche: “But it's never too late. And it is my fervent hope that the three of us, you and I and dear little Sarah, may walk the path of righteousness together. And now, if you will excuse me, I have Gideon Bibles for everyone.”

Sarah: “I miss sexy Grandma.”

Janet: “I'm sure a lot of people do, darlin'. I'm sure a lot of people do.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose

Pete Fielder: “Hi, I'm Pete Fielder.”

Blanche: “Senior class president.”

Rose: “Oh my God, it's the president!”

Blanche: “Rose!”

Dorothy: “I'm gonna try something. Look, there's a tar salesman.”

Rose: “Oh my God, it's a tar salesman!”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal

Dorothy: “Oh, God, you know I really hate reunions. I mean, everybody is so plastic and fake. Everybody pretending to be something they're not. Why can't people just be themselves?”

Tommy Lundt: “Cindy Lou Peeples?”

Dorothy: “Tommy Lunt??”

Both: “AAAHHH!!!”

Tommy Lundt: “So I guess the most interesting thing about the tar business is... Well, actually, I have to pick two things because it's impossible to pick one. Well, anyway, the two most interesting things about the tar business are the tar itself, and the number of shoes you go through. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm probably boring you. Enough about me. Let's talk about you. So, where do you get your tar?” “

Dorothy: “I lost my first husband in a tar pit. Excuse me.”

Literary Intelligentsia

Dorothy: “You know, this is ridiculous, but I say let's do it. It'll be a lark.”

Blanche: “We'll be just like the Three Musketeers. All for one...”

Sophia: “And one for all!”

Dorothy: “Oh, wait a minute. What about Ma?”

Sophia: “Thank you, Pussycat.”

Dorothy: “We'll have to get a sitter.”

Blanche: “No more sitters. We're still in litigation with the last one.”

Sophia: “She bit me first.”

Golden Quotes

Blanche: “Now, I'm gonna go by the school library and pick up some old yearbooks. We have to know all the basics. You know, like, oh, senior class president, quarterback of the football team, class slut.”

Dorothy: “Blanche, how do you tell a slut from a yearbook?”

Rose: “Oh. How do you tell a slut from a yearbook? Um... You don't have to buy a yearbook dinner. You can take a yearbook home to your parents. There's nothing wrong with having a yearbook on the coffee table.”

Dorothy: “Rose, this isn't a riddle!”

Rose: “Well, make it one. I had three good answers!”

Rose: “When no one was looking, I went by the ‘no show’ table and I got four nametags for us. Blanche, you'll be Susan Armstrong. And, Dorothy, you'll be Cindy Lou Peeples. And, Sophia, you're Myron Zucker.”

Sophia: “Rose, you idiot. There's no way I'm ever gonna pass for a man. Dorothy, trade with me?”

Dorothy: “Go to hell, Myron. Rose, I don't wanna wear this.”

Rose: “Oh come on. I looked in the yearbook and you're a dead ringer for Cindy Lou Peeples.”

Dorothy: “I don't know.”

Rose: “Trust me. It'll work or my name isn't Kim Fung-Toi.”

Larry Tucker: “Excuse me. Aren't you Mrs. Gonzales? Spanish 101?”

Sophia: “Si.”

Larry Tucker: “Hi, Larry Tucker. You know, I... I was always afraid to tell you this when I was in your class, but I had a huge crush on you back then.”

Sophia: “Why didn't you ever do anything about it?”

Larry Tucker: “Mrs. Gonzales, you were my teacher!”

Sophia: “And you were my favorite student. But I'm not your teacher anymore, and Mr. Gonzales is dead. Let's mambo.”

Ted O' Brien: “Susan? Susan Armstrong?”

Blanche: “Ted? Ted O' Brien? My, my, my. Why, you would not believe how often I've thought about you over the years.”

Ted O' Brien: “I'll bet. I remember our one date when I told you I didn't like girls and you told everyone. Everyone. Well, guess what? I still don't like girls and I don't like you!”

Blanche: “Ted? Ted! Oh who cares.”

Bill: “Well, if it isn't Susan Armstrong.”

Blanche: “Oh, and don't you look handsome, Bill. Wow, you haven't aged a bit. I've missed you.” 

Bill: “Really, Susan? How about our baby? The one my parents raised? Do you ever miss HIM??”

Blanche: “You know, it isn't really good to dwell on the past. Um, so what do you do for a livin'? Bill? Bill? Oh who cares.”

Man: “Cindy Lou Peeples? You look incredible.”

Dorothy: “Well, thank you. You remember our Korean exchange student, Kim Fung-Toi?”

Man: “Oh, sure. You look different.”

Rose: “Different on outside. Same on inside.”

Pete Fielder: “And now, the king and queen of the prom: Danny Farrell and Cindy Lou Peeples!” 

Dorothy: “I'm queen! I'm queen! Oh, Ma, Ma, I'm queen of the prom!”

Sophia: “I'm proud of you, Cindy Lou.”

Dorothy: “I'm queen.”

Slophia: “This is sad. This is so sad.”

Sophia: “We all got a second chance. I realized I wasn't living up to my potential. I'm gonna find out what I'm good at. Take an aptitude test. Maybe go to law school.”

Dorothy: “Oh, Ma, come on, you'll be 96 when you get out.”

Sophia: “I'll be 96 anyway.”

Dorothy: “Well, since everyone is making promises, and in celebration of Rose's miraculous recovery, I've decided I'm gonna go out more. What, she's gonna be a lawyer and I can't go out??”

Rose: “You know, I've never been afraid of dying. That's 'cause I'm not gonna stay dead. I'm gonna get frozen. I read a magazine article on cryogenics. I mean, they freeze you, and then when they find a cure for what you've got, they bring you back to life.”

Dorothy: “Rose, there is no proof of that working.”

Rose: “Oh they've had great success with the Arctic beetle.”

Blanche: “You have nothin' in common with the Arctic beetle.”

Dorothy: “Think that one through.”


I absolutely LOVE this two-part penultimate episode. Even though it takes a surprisingly dramatic turn, it is so stuffed with laughs and classic lines that, to me, it rivals the Libertine Belle episode in the quotability department. The girls heading to a local class reunion for a high school they didn’t attend is certainly silly stuff but not so crazy that it isn’t somewhat believable. The real fun is in the people they randomly end up “impersonating.” Of course all of the Kim Fung-Toi stuff hasn’t aged well considering how poorly this show has depicted Asian characters but it’s hard not to laugh at the silliness - and pure Rose-ness – of Rose picking up the most foreign sounding name at the no-show table for herself. The joke that Dorothy - as the awesomely named Cindy Lou Peeples -  ends up as the girl who was the Prom Queen is a purely joyful and hilarious moment for her. Everything at the reunion is hilarious. I can quote the entire sequence. They’re even able to wring laughs from Rose literally fainting and hitting the floor. “You see what you’ve done! You’ve upset Kim Fung-Toi!” The show has always balanced laughs and drama very well. And you feel the seriousness of Rose being rushed to the hospital especially since the series was so close to ending. And the shocking and abrupt ending when they find out Rose went into cardiac arrest and has to have emergency surgery is a sobering and classic cliffhanger moment. GRADE: A