Synopsis: As a joke, Sophia pretends to be possessed by Charlie
which makes Rose question her relationship with Miles; Blanche dates
and coaches a baseball player; Dorothy writes a letter to her
father.
Take Me Out to the
Ballgame, Stanley
Blanche: “I would
like you all to meet Stevie. I'm gonna be coachin' him. He's a
professional baseball player.”
Dorothy: “Oh, you
got Blanche's number from the wall in the dugout?”
Blanche: “Yes,
ma'am. And it sure was right. I am having a good time.”
…Until the Buffalo
Pooped
Blanche: “Now,
here's the vitamins. Take them when you get up.”
Stevie: “Oh, but
sometimes I get up at 4:00 a.m. to uh... well, you know.”
Sophia: “I know.
Boy, do I know.”
Dorothy: “Yeah,
but I'm sure afterwards Stevie doesn't yell, ‘Help! Come get me. My
feet are asleep.’”
That’s What She
Said
Miles: “Oh, wait
minute. Wait a minute. What's this in my pocket?”
Rose: “That line
didn't work last night, and it's not gonna work tonight.”
Shady Pines, Ma
Sophia: “If you
could have seen her face when I talked like Charlie. I almost wet
myself.”
Dorothy: “Listen,
you vindictive little sea monkey, you are going to tell Rose the
truth.”
Sophia: “Or?”
Dorothy: “Remember
Shady Pines?”
Sophia: “Yeah, it
wasn't so bad.”
Dorothy: “I hear
they sold it to some Germans.”
Sophia [running into
the other room]: “Rose? Rose, sweetheart? Rose?”
Insult Watch
Rose [holding out
hand]: “Hi, everyone. If I seem a little giddy, it's because...
look what Miles gave me.”
Sophia: “Liver
spots??”
Rose: “No, the
ring.”
Dorothy: “Blanche,
just out of curiosity, why don't you check the fruit salad?”
Blanche: “No way.
I'm not goin' anywhere near that refrigerator.”
Sophia: “Wow, two
miracles in one day.”
Product Placement
[Rose opens the
fridge and screams]
Dorothy: “Rose,
the light bulb goes on every time. Doesn't mean someone's living
there.”
Rose: “It's
Charlie. It's Charlie. He's trying to contact me from beyond the
grave. It's a miracle!”
Dorothy: “Look
closely, Rose. It's Mrs. Butterworth.”
Sassy Sophia
Blanche: “Now,
look, you have to discover the sensuality of baseball. There're just
many, many, many similarities between baseball and makin' love. The
mental preparation, the rush of adrenaline, the unspecified duration
of the game.”
Sophia: “And you
should hear the cheers coming from Blanche's room on Old-Timers'
Day.”
Blanche: “Oh,
you're just jealous because I have a healthy sex life and all you
have is your mother.”
Sophia: “Dorothy
would rather have me than a healthy sex life. Right, Dorothy?”
Dorothy:
“Right….NOT!”
Sophia: “That's
how you talk to your mother? Put that in the letter to your father.
How sassy you've gotten since menopause.”
Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Ah,
girls, what a great night. Stevie went three for four.”
Dorothy: “Oh, you
were at the game?”
Blanche: “There
was a game??”
Blanche: “Well,
then you know what I mean about bein' around athletes. It's fun. And
you know what they call ‘em? Jocks. Isn't that simply delicious?”
Sweet,
Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Rose: “Before I
wear this, Miles, I have to know what it means.”
Miles: “Well, it's
a friendship ring, like Abbott might have given to Costello.”
Rose: “I love it.
So, now we're... a dead comedy team?”
Miles: “What? It's
that sense of humor. Oh, that's why I buy you jewelry.”
Rose: “Good
night... good buddy.”
From Feud to Food
Rose: “Before he
died, Charlie and I agreed that if he ever wanted to tell me
something from the other side, we'd have a signal. All the cantaloupe
would be on one side of the fruit salad. See, Charlie liked to eat
each type of fruit separately. He hated it when they were all mixed
together.”
Blanche: “Then why
did you make fruit salad?”
Rose: “That was an
argument we must have had about a million times. But he hated
cantaloupe. He said he'd rather be dead than eat cantaloupe.”
Dorothy: “Hence,
the signal.”
Rose: “Dorothy,
it's a miracle.”
Brooklyn: A
Fairyland
Blanche: “Remember
how you used to feel when your boyfriend was star of the football
team? Oh, look who I'm talkin' to!”
Sophia: “My
Dorothy knew the star of the football team very well. In fact, she
was the head cheerleader. Head cheerleader, listen to me. She was the
mascot. They put her in a bear suit with pom-poms. Do the growl,
pussycat. Come on, do the growl.”
Dorothy: “Maaaa.”
Sophia: “That's
it. That's it.”
Dorothy: “No, it
so happens I was their good luck charm. They won a lot of games with
me in that suit.”
Sophia: “Sure, the
other team was always afraid we'd send in the bear. God, you gave me
a lot of laughs.”
Dorothy: “Maaaa.”
Sophia: “That's
it. Oh, stop it. Stop it.”
Dorothy Zbornak is
My Spirit Animal
Sophia: “Charlie
wasn't here. It was me. I was playing a little joke on you.
[mimicking Charlie] Hello, Rose.”
Rose: “One second,
Charlie. What do you mean it wasn't you, Sophia?”
Dorothy: “Rose, Ma
was playing a very mean trick on you. Although now I can see the
temptation.”
What, We Can’t
Learn From History?
Blanche: “Stevie's
leavin' me.”
Dorothy: “For
another woman?”
Blanche: “Oh don't
be ridiculous. He's leaving me for Tokyo.”
Dorothy: “Oh
sweetheart. I'm sorry.”
Rose: “What's
going on?”
Dorothy: “Oh,
Stevie's leaving Blanche for Tokyo, Rose.”
Rose: “Well, I can
understand that. She is a big radio personality.”
What Do I Look Like,
a Cross-Dresser?
Blanche: “Oh, wait
a minute, almost forgot. I want you to put this lingerie on under
your uniform for battin' practice.”
Stevie: “I know
you said you'd help my game, but do you think this will work?”
Blanche: “Yes.”
Stevie: “I can't
wear this. Do you have any idea the kind of teasing that goes on in a
locker room?”
Blanche: “Yes.”
Blanche: “Stevie??
What happened to you?”
Stevie: “Blanche,
honey, what's happened to me is the most wonderful thing that could
happen to a man, and it's all because of you. For the first time in
my life, I'm batting .310, and I like myself.”
Dorothy: “Oh
Blanche, you really know how to mold a man. He comes in Steve and
goes out Edie.”
Reel References
Dorothy: “I just
read somewhere that you can settle your feelings about someone even
after they're gone, and there were a lot of things I never told Pop
while he was alive. I never even got to say goodbye. So, I'm getting
all this stored-up emotion out in a letter.”
Sophia: “Good
idea, pussycat. I'm gonna write one to Mario Lanza.”
Sophia: “Now, wait
a minute. You're a coaching a baseball player by letting him wear
your underwear? Didn't I see this movie? A woman helps a handsome
ballplayer and he goes off to live with the Indians. What was it
called? Dances with Bulls?”
Dorothy: “Ma,
you're confusing Bull Durham with Dances with Wolves.”
Sophia: “Ah,
what's the difference? You get to see Kevin Costner's buns in both of
them.”
Golden Quotes
Blanche: “Some
people are great artists, some are great musicians. I have but one
talent.”
Sophia: “Ooo! Ooo!
I know.”
Dorothy: “Come on,
Ma, too easy.”
Sophia: “That's
what I was gonna say.”
Blanche: “My
talent is molding men. And I'm not doin' this just for myself, I'm
doin' it for baseball. For the fans. The community expects somethin'
of me.”
Dorothy [raising
hand]: “Ooo! Ooo! I know!”
Sophia: “He was
proud of you. I remember him saying, ‘Anyone would want a daughter
like this.’ Of course, he was saying it to the gypsies.”
Dorothy: “Look, I
don't have to listen to this. Have you any idea how it makes me feel
when you say things like that?”
Sophia: “No. After
I'm dead, drop me a note.”
Sophia [pretending
to be possessed]: “Wait, Rose.”
Rose: “What,
Sophia?”
Sophia [pretending
to be possessed]: “It's not Sophia. It's Charlie. I'm in the old
lady's body.”
Rose: “Come on,
Sophia, you're full of... fruit salad. Charlie? Charlie, I want to
believe it's you. Tell me something that only the two of us would
know.”
Sophia [pretending
to be possessed]: “Don't take any wooden nickels.”
Rose: “Oh my god
it is you!”
Sophia: “What
happened? Why am I standing? When can I get that twenty?”
Rose: “Sophia, the
most amazing thing happened. Charlie was here, in your body.”
Sophia: “Really?
If I had known he was coming, I would have tidied up a bit.”
Rose: “I heard
Charlie's voice coming out of Sophia. He wanted me to give the ring
back.”
Dorothy: “You're a
horrible little person.”
Sophia: “Come on,
like you never pretended to be possessed by somebody's dead husband
for a couple of laughs.”
Blanche: “Fine.
Fine. You gotta move on? Move on. But let me tell you somethin',
mister, I haven't taught you half of what I know. [hits baseball]
And I wasn't even wearin' underwear.”
Dorothy: “Ma,
don't you have something to say?”
Sophia: “Yeah. [to
Rose] How come when your head moves, your hair doesn't?”
Dorothy: “Ma,
that's a question. Granted, a very good question, but we're looking
for a statement.”
Sophia: “Rose, we
have to talk.”
Rose: “Forget it,
Sophia. I'm not talking to you. What you did is the worst thing
you've ever done to me.
Sophia: “Oh, come
on. Worse than the time I buried you up to your neck in sand and let
the children throw baseballs at you for 25 cents?”
Rose: “Well I
can't hold that against you. That was for charity.”
Sophia: “Yeah,
right, charity.”
Miles: “Hey, Rose,
come on. Let's go. I've got a great idea. You ever watch that
romantic cruise that leaves at 6:00 p.m. from the pier?”
Rose: “Oh Miles!”
Miles: “Let's go
watch it again.”
Sophia: “Oh,
pussycat. [reading Dorothy’s letter] ‘Dear Ma. Thanks for
giving me life and thanks for making it good. I love you.’ And I
love you, too, pussycat.”
Dorothy: “And I
love you too. And I'm glad you're my mom.”
Sophia: “And I'm
glad you're my baby.”
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Dorothy: “That's
probably the schmaltz police.”
Critique:
Ok burning question:
Why the hell would Rose mail that ring back to Miles instead of just
giving it to him in person? I mean what if it got lost in the mail?
Hopefully she bought insurance. Was she never planning on seeing him
again or something? But I digress. How funny is it to see Sophia
pretending to be possessed by Charlie? I love the ridiculousness of
it all and I like to think the writers had just watched Ghost and
figured a pottery scene was out of the question. I find this to be a
relatively low=key episode considering it’s the wacky final season.
I mean it is a bit wacky. They obviously take a cue from Bull Durham
with Blanche’s storyline and the whole thing feels like a set up
for one of the best and most random jokes in whole series: Tokyo
Rose. Sophia asking Dorothy to “do the growl” is a great little
moment. And lastly, who else wishes Dances with Bulls was a real
movie? GRADE: B
