Tuesday, February 26, 2019

Where’s Charlie S7E5

Synopsis: As a joke, Sophia pretends to be possessed by Charlie which makes Rose question her relationship with Miles; Blanche dates and coaches a baseball player; Dorothy writes a letter to her father.

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Blanche: “I would like you all to meet Stevie. I'm gonna be coachin' him. He's a professional baseball player.”
Dorothy: “Oh, you got Blanche's number from the wall in the dugout?”
Blanche: “Yes, ma'am. And it sure was right. I am having a good time.”

…Until the Buffalo Pooped
Blanche: “Now, here's the vitamins. Take them when you get up.”
Stevie: “Oh, but sometimes I get up at 4:00 a.m. to uh... well, you know.”
Sophia: “I know. Boy, do I know.”
Dorothy: “Yeah, but I'm sure afterwards Stevie doesn't yell, ‘Help! Come get me. My feet are asleep.’”

That’s What She Said
Miles: “Oh, wait minute. Wait a minute. What's this in my pocket?”
Rose: “That line didn't work last night, and it's not gonna work tonight.”

Shady Pines, Ma
Sophia: “If you could have seen her face when I talked like Charlie. I almost wet myself.”
Dorothy: “Listen, you vindictive little sea monkey, you are going to tell Rose the truth.”
Sophia: “Or?”
Dorothy: “Remember Shady Pines?”
Sophia: “Yeah, it wasn't so bad.”
Dorothy: “I hear they sold it to some Germans.”
Sophia [running into the other room]: “Rose? Rose, sweetheart? Rose?”

Insult Watch
Rose [holding out hand]: “Hi, everyone. If I seem a little giddy, it's because... look what Miles gave me.”
Sophia: “Liver spots??”
Rose: “No, the ring.”

Dorothy: “Blanche, just out of curiosity, why don't you check the fruit salad?”
Blanche: “No way. I'm not goin' anywhere near that refrigerator.”
Sophia: “Wow, two miracles in one day.”

Product Placement
[Rose opens the fridge and screams]
Dorothy: “Rose, the light bulb goes on every time. Doesn't mean someone's living there.”
Rose: “It's Charlie. It's Charlie. He's trying to contact me from beyond the grave. It's a miracle!”
Dorothy: “Look closely, Rose. It's Mrs. Butterworth.”

Sassy Sophia
Blanche: “Now, look, you have to discover the sensuality of baseball. There're just many, many, many similarities between baseball and makin' love. The mental preparation, the rush of adrenaline, the unspecified duration of the game.”
Sophia: “And you should hear the cheers coming from Blanche's room on Old-Timers' Day.”

Blanche: “Oh, you're just jealous because I have a healthy sex life and all you have is your mother.”
Sophia: “Dorothy would rather have me than a healthy sex life. Right, Dorothy?”
Dorothy: “Right….NOT!”
Sophia: “That's how you talk to your mother? Put that in the letter to your father. How sassy you've gotten since menopause.”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Ah, girls, what a great night. Stevie went three for four.”
Dorothy: “Oh, you were at the game?”
Blanche: “There was a game??”

Blanche: “Well, then you know what I mean about bein' around athletes. It's fun. And you know what they call ‘em? Jocks. Isn't that simply delicious?”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Rose: “Before I wear this, Miles, I have to know what it means.”
Miles: “Well, it's a friendship ring, like Abbott might have given to Costello.”
Rose: “I love it. So, now we're... a dead comedy team?”
Miles: “What? It's that sense of humor. Oh, that's why I buy you jewelry.”
Rose: “Good night... good buddy.”

From Feud to Food
Rose: “Before he died, Charlie and I agreed that if he ever wanted to tell me something from the other side, we'd have a signal. All the cantaloupe would be on one side of the fruit salad. See, Charlie liked to eat each type of fruit separately. He hated it when they were all mixed together.”
Blanche: “Then why did you make fruit salad?”
Rose: “That was an argument we must have had about a million times. But he hated cantaloupe. He said he'd rather be dead than eat cantaloupe.”
Dorothy: “Hence, the signal.”
Rose: “Dorothy, it's a miracle.”

Brooklyn: A Fairyland
Blanche: “Remember how you used to feel when your boyfriend was star of the football team? Oh, look who I'm talkin' to!”
Sophia: “My Dorothy knew the star of the football team very well. In fact, she was the head cheerleader. Head cheerleader, listen to me. She was the mascot. They put her in a bear suit with pom-poms. Do the growl, pussycat. Come on, do the growl.”
Dorothy: “Maaaa.”
Sophia: “That's it. That's it.”
Dorothy: “No, it so happens I was their good luck charm. They won a lot of games with me in that suit.”
Sophia: “Sure, the other team was always afraid we'd send in the bear. God, you gave me a lot of laughs.”
Dorothy: “Maaaa.”
Sophia: “That's it. Oh, stop it. Stop it.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Sophia: “Charlie wasn't here. It was me. I was playing a little joke on you. [mimicking Charlie] Hello, Rose.”
Rose: “One second, Charlie. What do you mean it wasn't you, Sophia?”
Dorothy: “Rose, Ma was playing a very mean trick on you. Although now I can see the temptation.”

What, We Can’t Learn From History?
Blanche: “Stevie's leavin' me.”
Dorothy: “For another woman?”
Blanche: “Oh don't be ridiculous. He's leaving me for Tokyo.”
Dorothy: “Oh sweetheart. I'm sorry.”
Rose: “What's going on?”
Dorothy: “Oh, Stevie's leaving Blanche for Tokyo, Rose.”
Rose: “Well, I can understand that. She is a big radio personality.”

What Do I Look Like, a Cross-Dresser?
Blanche: “Oh, wait a minute, almost forgot. I want you to put this lingerie on under your uniform for battin' practice.”
Stevie: “I know you said you'd help my game, but do you think this will work?”
Blanche: “Yes.”
Stevie: “I can't wear this. Do you have any idea the kind of teasing that goes on in a locker room?”
Blanche: “Yes.”

Blanche: “Stevie?? What happened to you?”
Stevie: “Blanche, honey, what's happened to me is the most wonderful thing that could happen to a man, and it's all because of you. For the first time in my life, I'm batting .310, and I like myself.”
Dorothy: “Oh Blanche, you really know how to mold a man. He comes in Steve and goes out Edie.”

Reel References
Dorothy: “I just read somewhere that you can settle your feelings about someone even after they're gone, and there were a lot of things I never told Pop while he was alive. I never even got to say goodbye. So, I'm getting all this stored-up emotion out in a letter.”
Sophia: “Good idea, pussycat. I'm gonna write one to Mario Lanza.”

Sophia: “Now, wait a minute. You're a coaching a baseball player by letting him wear your underwear? Didn't I see this movie? A woman helps a handsome ballplayer and he goes off to live with the Indians. What was it called? Dances with Bulls?”
Dorothy: “Ma, you're confusing Bull Durham with Dances with Wolves.”
Sophia: “Ah, what's the difference? You get to see Kevin Costner's buns in both of them.”

Golden Quotes
Blanche: “Some people are great artists, some are great musicians. I have but one talent.”
Sophia: “Ooo! Ooo! I know.”
Dorothy: “Come on, Ma, too easy.”
Sophia: “That's what I was gonna say.”
Blanche: “My talent is molding men. And I'm not doin' this just for myself, I'm doin' it for baseball. For the fans. The community expects somethin' of me.”
Dorothy [raising hand]: “Ooo! Ooo! I know!”

Sophia: “He was proud of you. I remember him saying, ‘Anyone would want a daughter like this.’ Of course, he was saying it to the gypsies.”
Dorothy: “Look, I don't have to listen to this. Have you any idea how it makes me feel when you say things like that?”
Sophia: “No. After I'm dead, drop me a note.”

Sophia [pretending to be possessed]: “Wait, Rose.”
Rose: “What, Sophia?”
Sophia [pretending to be possessed]: “It's not Sophia. It's Charlie. I'm in the old lady's body.”
Rose: “Come on, Sophia, you're full of... fruit salad. Charlie? Charlie, I want to believe it's you. Tell me something that only the two of us would know.”
Sophia [pretending to be possessed]: “Don't take any wooden nickels.”
Rose: “Oh my god it is you!”

Sophia: “What happened? Why am I standing? When can I get that twenty?”
Rose: “Sophia, the most amazing thing happened. Charlie was here, in your body.”
Sophia: “Really? If I had known he was coming, I would have tidied up a bit.”

Rose: “I heard Charlie's voice coming out of Sophia. He wanted me to give the ring back.”
Dorothy: “You're a horrible little person.”
Sophia: “Come on, like you never pretended to be possessed by somebody's dead husband for a couple of laughs.”

Blanche: “Fine. Fine. You gotta move on? Move on. But let me tell you somethin', mister, I haven't taught you half of what I know. [hits baseball] And I wasn't even wearin' underwear.”

Dorothy: “Ma, don't you have something to say?”
Sophia: “Yeah. [to Rose] How come when your head moves, your hair doesn't?”
Dorothy: “Ma, that's a question. Granted, a very good question, but we're looking for a statement.”

Sophia: “Rose, we have to talk.”
Rose: “Forget it, Sophia. I'm not talking to you. What you did is the worst thing you've ever done to me.
Sophia: “Oh, come on. Worse than the time I buried you up to your neck in sand and let the children throw baseballs at you for 25 cents?”
Rose: “Well I can't hold that against you. That was for charity.”
Sophia: “Yeah, right, charity.”

Miles: “Hey, Rose, come on. Let's go. I've got a great idea. You ever watch that romantic cruise that leaves at 6:00 p.m. from the pier?”
Rose: “Oh Miles!”
Miles: “Let's go watch it again.”

Sophia: “Oh, pussycat. [reading Dorothy’s letter] ‘Dear Ma. Thanks for giving me life and thanks for making it good. I love you.’ And I love you, too, pussycat.”
Dorothy: “And I love you too. And I'm glad you're my mom.”
Sophia: “And I'm glad you're my baby.”
Dorothy: “That's probably the schmaltz police.”

Ok burning question: Why the hell would Rose mail that ring back to Miles instead of just giving it to him in person? I mean what if it got lost in the mail? Hopefully she bought insurance. Was she never planning on seeing him again or something? But I digress. How funny is it to see Sophia pretending to be possessed by Charlie? I love the ridiculousness of it all and I like to think the writers had just watched Ghost and figured a pottery scene was out of the question. I find this to be a relatively low=key episode considering it’s the wacky final season. I mean it is a bit wacky. They obviously take a cue from Bull Durham with Blanche’s storyline and the whole thing feels like a set up for one of the best and most random jokes in whole series: Tokyo Rose. Sophia asking Dorothy to “do the growl” is a great little moment. And lastly, who else wishes Dances with Bulls was a real movie? GRADE: B

Thursday, February 7, 2019

That's For Me to Know S7E4

Synopsis: Blanche must lose a renter or come up with $10,000 in home modifications; Dorothy finds a wedding photo with Sophia with a man who isn’t her father.

Musical Moments
Sophia: “Okay, 1920 it is. The year I sailed for America. Ah, America. The land of opportunity, where the streets were paved with gold, and a young man named Irving Berlin was writing songs like this. Hit it. Dorothy, where's our piano player?”

Let’s Get Political
Dorothy: “Rose, you are not going to move out.”
Rose: “Well, somebody has to. How else are we gonna choose?”
Blanche: “We could do what they do in Russia. We could vote Here, it's the only fair way.”
Sophia: “I would just like the panel to disregard that accident-in-the-hall thing.”

…Until the Buffalo Pooped
Rose: “Oh, Blanche, I'm sorry.”
Blanche: Oh, honey, I'm sorry, too.”
Rose: “Oh, no, but I'm really sorry.”
Dorothy [entering]: “Oh, girls, I am so sorry.”
Blanche: “No, we're the ones that are sorry.”
Sophia: [entering]: “I'm sorry.”
Rose: “Oh, sweetie, get over here. We're sorry, too.”
Blanche: “Yes, we are. We're really sorry. It's our fault, too.”
Sophia: “Hey, how were you supposed to know I had an accident in the hall. Wait, why were you guys sorry?”

That’s What She Said
Blanche: “It's not in yet, Don.”

Animal Alert
Sophia: “What a night. Did you hear that racket out front? I didn't sleep at all. I think Dreyfuss has the hots for our lawn flamingo.”
Dorothy: “Ma, we don't have a lawn flamingo.”
Sophia: “In that case, we'd better tip the paperboy.”

Picture It
Dorothy: “I'm doing a family history. And I'm gonna need your help. You know, I think it's important to tell the grandchildren about their ancestors. Give them a sense of pride in those who came before them.”
Sophia: “Even Uncle Nunzio?”
Dorothy: “Even Uncle Nunzio, but we call the goat a pet.”

Sophia [into recorder]: “It all happened so fast. He grabbed her. She bit him. He stuffed her in his calamari wagon and sped away. And that, dear grandchildren, is how my parents met.”
Dorothy: “How romantic, a roll in the squid. May I remind you, the purpose of these stories is to give the kids family pride.”
Sophia: “Hey, I'll have you know it was my father who single-handedly invented the ransom note.”

Sophia: “Here goes. The man you saw in that picture was Guido Spirelli. He was my first husband through an arranged marriage, which I had later annulled.”
Dorothy: “And?”
Sophia: “And I shot him just to watch him die. What do you mean, ‘And?’”
Dorothy: “I mean, that's all? That's all you're gonna tell me about it?”
Sophia: “We were promised to each other when we were nine. By most Sicilian standards, he was considered quite a catch. And he was supposed to inherit the family business.”
Dorothy: “Oh, what was the family business?”
Sophia: “Getting even.”
Dorothy: “So, what was the problem? What, you didn't love him?”
Sophia: “Nah, he was a workaholic. I had the marriage annulled, and two days after it was official, I left for America.”
Dorothy: “Ma, why couldn't you tell me this?”
Sophia: “Dorothy, I went against centuries of tradition. You don't leave an arranged marriage. I disgraced my family's entire way of life.”

Zbornak Zingers
Rose: “So Blanche, you must be paying extra to get a building permit that quickly.”
Blanche: “Hey, I'll tell you one thing, the damn government isn't gonna see one red cent of my money.”
Rose: “But Blanche, the city requires a permit on any new home construction built within five feet of a standing structure used as a primary dwelling.”
Dorothy: “Rose, all this technical information, it doesn't sound like you.”
Rose: “And if Blanche doesn't get that permit, I think they could make her live in a shoe.”
Dorothy: “Welcome back, sweetheart.”

Insult Watch
Rose: “I am the smartest woman in the whole world!”
Dorothy: “And I am the Pygmy queen.”
Rose: “Blanche, what would you say if I got a permit that would let you have as many people stay here as you want?”
Blanche: “What? Oh that's terrific… Rose, this says I'm gonna turn my home into a halfway house for recently released criminals.”
Dorothy: “Yes Rose, you are the smartest person in the world. Burger World.

Dorothy: “I’m afraid that no one’s leaving. You see, we're a family here. Well, not the conventional one, but we love each other and-”
Sophia: “Excuse me, snoop.”
Dorothy: “Liar.”
Sophia: “Rhino.”
Dorothy: “Lizard. It's real love, Mr. Benson. It's an honest love. And, yes, we might have secrets that we stubbornly try to hide from each other-”
Sophia: “Python.”
Dorothy: “Swamp insect. But we're a family nonetheless, and you can't break us up.”

Oh Shut Up, Rose
Blanche: “You were right about tellin' the truth.”
Rose: “Oh well, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's citizenship. That and guessing the weight of brood sows.”
Blanche: “Shut up.”
Rose: “135.”

Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “Hey, keep away from that.”
Dorothy: “What are you - what's in the box?”
Sophia: “Mexican jumping beans.”
Dorothy: “Ma...”
Sophia: “Sorry, Hispanic jumping beans.”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “You know, people in St. Olaf are lucky. We all had the same family tree. You can trace each of us back to the same brother and sister.”
Dorothy: “Well, I think that completes the puzzle.”

Rose: “I know what you're gonna say, Dorothy, you can't stand to see me go. But I've made up my mind.”
Dorothy: “Rose, listen-”
Rose: “Now you're going to tell me, ‘I'll miss you. God, how I'll miss you.’”
Dorothy: “Rose, you have to listen to me.”
Rose: “‘You know, Rosie,’ you're thinking. ‘I sure could use one last St. Olaf story before you leave.’ And then I'd ask, ‘Shall I tell you about how the St. Olafians were one of the original lost tribes of Israel?’” Dorothy: “TAXI!!”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Oh this is just so exciting. I love construction workers! Good with their hands, dumb as stumps, and don't mind showin’ their buns when they bend over.”

Blanche: “Rose, if I use this permit, any kind of scum could walk through the door. Thieves, murderers, men who haven't seen a woman for 10 years, who've been doin' nothin' but liftin' weights and countin' the days…. Dorothy, remind me again why this was a bad idea.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Rose: “Hey, look what I found.”
Dorothy: “The box! Rose, where did you get it??”
Rose: “Well, I was just under my bed playing, and then there it was.”

Don the Inspector: “I got a call from a Lois Nylund.”
Rose: “Oh, that's Rose Nylund. Rose, as in a series of seats in a movie theater.”
Don the Inspector: “Or the flower?”
Rose: “Well yeah, that too.”

Lesbian. Lesbian? LESBIAN??
Don the Inspector: “Somebody moving in?”
Rose: “Oh, hardly. With the three of us renting from Blanche, we're practically sleeping on top of each other.”
Don the Inspector: “Oh, you can't do that.”
Rose: “Well, we all wear pajamas.”

From Feud to Food
Dorothy: “Ah, here you are, Ma. I still have a couple of questions about our family history, if that's okay.”
Sophia: “Fine. As long as you don't ask me about the box.”
Dorothy: “The box? What bo-? Oh! It completely slipped my mind.”
Sophia: “Oh yeah. That kind of thing happens to me all the uh- all the uh- all the shrimp you can eat.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Blanche: “Dorothy, guess what I have under my robe?”
Dorothy: “That guy from the circus?”
Blanche: “No, Dorothy, my new swimsuit. I'm wearing it to entice the muscular young men who are comin’ over to install my hot tub. Would you like to see it?”
Dorothy: “Is it a two-piece?”
Blanche: “Yes.”
Dorothy: “No.”

Reel References
Dorothy: “Now, if we want to stay together, we're gonna have to raise $10,000.”
Blanche: “Well, I don't see why I should have to raise any money. I didn't create this problem. I think the moronic Scandinavian nitwit ought to pay it.”
Rose: “She's talking about me, isn't she?”
Dorothy: “No Rose, she's talking about Spike Lee.”

Golden Quotes
Blanche: “You can't come in here. This house has been quarantined. We all have, uh, uh... quick, Rose, give me a deadly disease.”
Rose: “Oh I'm sorry, Blanche. I don't have a deadly disease.”
Blanche: “Well, get one.

Blanche: “Look, Rose, I have calculated the cost of this hot tub right down to the last penny. I cannot afford any useless permits. Now, if he insists I have to have them, it's gonna be on your head. Period!”
Rose: “Well, I can't believe she said that. Exclamation point.”
Dorothy: “Well, who's to say? Question mark, new paragraph... What the hell am I saying?”

Rose: “Well, face facts. I mean, we were already roommates when you brought your mother in. So either pay up, or Sophia should move out.”
Dorothy: “Oh thank you very much, but if anybody is going to put my mother out in the cold, it's going to be me. No, Rose, forget it.”
Blanche: “She did sort of just dump the old lady on us, didn't she?”
Dorothy: “Oh, now you're buddy-buddy with the moronic Scandinavian nitwit?”
Rose: “Jealous, are we?”

Blanche: “Okay. Okay. Here we go. Good luck, ladies. [reading the votes] “Dorothy... Dorothy... Dorothy…... Dorothy...”
Sophia: “Well, that's that. Let's eat. I'm starved.”
Dorothy: “Wait a minute. How did this happen??”
Sophia: “We all voted for you.”
Blanche: “Well, Dorothy, it's your own damn fault. Why did you have to vote for yourself?”
Dorothy: “I just assumed that everyone was gonna vote for Rose, and I-I didn't want a sweep to hurt her feelings.”
Blanche: “I guess that would hurt.”
Dorothy: “It DOES!”

Sophia: “Land. I'm a landowner. I've made it. And it only took 80 years. Finally, property. I'll be planting soon.”
Dorothy: “Ma!”
Rose: “Oh, Blanche, this was so generous of you. I'm so touched.”
Blanche: “Well, you know, I just got to thinkin'. Yeah, this house was the home of my family. But you're right, you're family now. So, now it's our home.”
Sophia: “Rabbits. Gonna raise me some rabbits as big as your head.”

Sophia: “Pussycat?”
Dorothy: “Yeah, Ma?”
Sophia: “You make me very proud.”
Dorothy: “No, Ma, you make me proud.”
Sophia: “I hope you're not waiting for a hug.”
Dorothy: “Oh come here, you tramp.”

Ten thousand seems to be the magic number. It’s the amount of money they need in order make improvements on the house. It was also the amount of money they needed for a new roof. It was also the amount of their winning lotto ticket. It was also the prize money for winning the Miami song writing contest. The show’s writers must of needed to get naked to count to 21. But I digress. This is a completely fine episode with some particular highlights. One of which is probably a fan-favorite sequence in which Blanche reads off everyone’s vote for who should move out. The way she reads off Dorothy’s names is brilliant and hilarious. And the look on Dorothy’s face is classic Dorothy Zbornak. This episode is notable because it’s when Blanche officially sells the house so that all four women are co-owners. I still don’t quite buy that Blanche would be so hesitant to offer equity to them. There are plenty of other times in the series where the ladies are upset about someone moving out, etc. There were also previous times when the house itself needed fixing (ie, the roof) and apparently it was all of their problem not just Blanche’s. And Dorothy was the slumlord?? (We’ll get there). I also don’t understand how Dorothy could not know all that stuff about Sophia’s past. Sophia doesn’t shut up about Sicily. And I don’t buy that there’s a random box that Dorothy didn’t know about. And finally, after all that, where the hell is that damn hot tub that Blanche wanted so badly?? GRADE: B+