Synopsis: Dorothy gets all giddy when her high school English teacher moves to Miami; meanwhile, hilarity ensues when Rose
asks Blanche and Dorothy to appear on a morning talk show about women
who live together (read: lesbians).
90s Flashback
Dorothy: “Mr.
Gordon is probably over 70 by now. He's practically ancient.”
Sophia: “Seventy
is ancient? If I met a man that age who looked halfway decent, I'd be
on my back before you could say, ‘I've fallen and I can't get up.’”
…Until the Buffalo
Pooped
Sophia: “Here are
some pictures of Dorothy at 11, a hilariously awkward age for her.”
Dorothy: “Ma,
enough with the pictures. Why don't you get us some coffee?”
Sophia: “Cause it
gives me the trots. Oh, I get it. Company. Company. Pardon me.”
That’s What She
Said
Blanche: “I have a
date tonight with a young man I met in the produce department at the
market. I showed him how to thump a melon.”
Sophia: “There's a
euphemism we haven't heard before.”
Shady Pines, Ma
Sophia: “Join you
for lunch? Let me check my social calendar. Oh, okay, I'm free.”
Dorothy: “Ma, that
calendar's from 1984.”
Sophia: “Oh yeah,
this is the day I escaped from Shady Pines. It says right here, ‘I'm
free! I'm free!’”
Wake Up Miami Host:
“Any other questions? Ah, here we go.”
Sophia: “This is
directed to Dorothy's lover. Do people treat you differently because
you're a lesbian?”
Blanche: “Well,
most people don't know.”
Sophia: “Really? I
would've guessed right off. Next question to Dorothy. What kind of
pain and embarrassment has this lifestyle caused your mother?”
Dorothy: “I really
don't know, but I'll ask her tomorrow when I visit her at THE HOME.”
Sophia: “No more
questions.”
Lewd Ladies
Blanche: “This is
exactly the kind of exposure I've been lookin' for.”
Sophia: “Please,
enough of your exposure. We've already lost three gardeners.”
Insult Watch
Sophia: “MORE
goofy pictures! Here's Dorothy in her wedding gown. Look how scared
the groom looks!”
Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “I don't
wanna hear any more of this. I don't like you being taken advantage
of by some guy from out of town. At least, when Blanche does it, it's
good for tourism.”
Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “A crush
on the teacher. Ahh, I had those. Course I had to hide them because
they made the principal jealous. Actually, though, once I did have a
fling with the calculus teacher.”
Dorothy: “Oh and
did you get an A?”
Blanche: “More
like a full scholarship to MIT.”
Lesbian. Lesbian?
LESBIAN??
Dorothy: “Rose, we
can't kill you here because there are cameras. Now, how did this
happen?”
Rose: “Oh, I don't
know. They just said they wanted two women who loved each other and
slept together.”
Dorothy: “We do
not sleep together!!”
Rose: “Yes, you
did. Last month, when When Blanche was having her room repainted
because the plaster behind her headboard all fell out.”
Brooklyn: A
Fairyland
Sophia: “Oh,
here's a picture of Dorothy's ninth birthday party. Look how scared
the clown looks.”
Dorothy: “You
know, I can't believe you actually got a clown for my birthday. I can
still see his big red nose and those huge black circles around his
eyes.”
Sophia: “Oh, he
wasn't a real clown. He was a friend of your father's. He'd been
beaten up the night before. We gave him a couple of bucks.”
Dorothy: “I guess
that's why he kept saying, “Now remember, kids, nobody likes a
squealer.’”
Dorothy Zbornak is
My Spirit Animal
Sophia: “My
Dorothy didn't date teachers in high school. She dated losers like
Stan who knocked her up and ruined her life forever.”
Dorothy: “It would
be like a day without orange juice, wouldn't it, Ma?”
What Do I Look Like,
a Cross-Dresser?
Mr. Gordon: “Mrs.
Petrillo.”
Sophia: “We met
before. You were having a problem with my son, Phil.”
Mr. Gordon: “Oh,
right. The problem with the dress code.”
Sophia: “I still
don't understand the problem. He was wearing a dress.”
The Boob Tube
Rose: “Girls,
guess what? They gave me another job at the television station. The
old associate producer quit, so now I am the new associate producer
of the Wake-Up! Miami show. They even gave me a nameplate for my
desk.”
Dorothy, reading:
“Harold Goldstein, Associate Producer.”
Rose: “Isn't it
exciting?”
Dorothy: “Oh,
congratulations, Harold.”
Blanche: “Rose,
could I see you for moment?”
Rose: “You're mad,
aren't you?”
Blanche: “Rose
Nylund, every man I know is watching this show. This live show.
This live show about lesbian lovers of Miami.”
Rose: “Every man
you know is watching?? Hey, we could beat The Price Is Right!”
Reel References
Blanche: “I
realized something. Just because every man in my life thinks I'm a
lesbian doesn't mean there aren't thousands and hundreds and millions
of men out there who don't. [Doorbell Rings] That must be my
melon man.”
Dorothy: “Zorro
rides again.”
Blanche: “Chuck!”
Chuck: “Thumper!”
Rose: “Not exactly
a Disney movie, is it?”
Golden Quotes
Blanche: “Dorothy,
fess up. I know that was a man. I can always tell when a man calls
'cause you start sweatin' and get a bad case of the giggles.”
Dorothy: “I do
not.” (giggles)
Sophia:
“Ah, Mr. Gordon. Dorothy had a huge embarrassing crush on him. She
was his slave. She graded his papers, did his laundry. Once, she even
rotated his tires.”
Dorothy:
“Boy, that stroke didn't make you forget a thing, did it, Ma?”
Mr.
Gordon: “A lot of my ex-students were surprised that I wasn't
older, but, uh, they failed to realize I started teaching right out
of college. I really wasn't much older than they were.”
Dorothy:
“Well, I--I guess when you're 17, 23 can seem dangerous and
forbidden.”
Rose:
“When you're 17, a cow can seem dangerous and forbidden… Am I
alone here??”
Sophia: “Don't
worry, Dorothy. I'll be on my best behavior. I won't say or do
anything to embarrass you.
Oh, wait. Goofy
pictures of Dorothy when she was a kid. Might as well have a couple
of laughs over lunch.”
Blanche: “What's
wrong with her?”
Rose: “Malcolm
kissed her.”
Blanche: “My God,
she's in shock.”
Dorothy: “He gave
me flowers… from a store!”
Wake Up Miami Host:
“Good morning and welcome to Wake Up Miami. Today, women who live
together. Does society make it tougher? We'll find out when we talk
to four lesbians today on Wake-Up Miami.”
Rose: “If I lose
my job, I won't be able to do anything but sit home and tell St. Olaf
stories.”
Blanche: “Blackmail.
Oh very smart.”
Rose: “Hey, they
don't call me Harold Goldstein for nothin’.”
Wake Up Miami Host:
“We're back. Let's meet our panelists. Dorothy, a lesbian. Blanche,
another lesbian. And Pat and Kathy, image consultants.”
Dorothy: “How come
they're not lesbians?”
Pat: “We don't
believe in labels.”
Wake Up Miami Host:
“Oh, I see we have a question from the audience. Yes, sir.”
Man in Audience:
“Are there male/female roles in the relationship?”
Blanche: “Well, I
am the little homemaker, if that's what you mean.”
Dorothy: “Now,
wait a minute. Just, li- and I take out the garbage.”
Wake Up Miami Host:
“Fascinating.”
Blanche: “By the
way, Dorothy, if I were a lesbian, I sure would be a popular one.
Look at this, 20 calls. ‘Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the- Oh,
what am I doin'? Listen to me. Rose, I could just strangle you.”
Rose: “So you're
still miffed?”
Blanche: “Well, I
don't mind bein' labeled a lesbian, honey, but since I'm not,
you just ruined my social life.”
Rose: “Oh, go
ahead. Blanche, I'm a bubblehead and I deserve to die. I said I'm a
bubblehead and I deserve to die.”
Dorothy: “And it
was worth repeating.”
Dorothy: “Oh, all
right. I admit it. I do have a little crush, but his kiss just took
me by surprise. You know, at first, I didn't think he was going to do
it. He looked more like he was going to wink, but then he slanted his
head just slightly to the left.”
Blanche: “Oh, I
know that slant.”
Sophia: You know
every slant. So why don't you let my daughter finish her one kissing
story of the year?”
Dorothy: “Thank
you, Ma.”
Sophia: My pleasure,
meal ticket.”
Dorothy: “It was
at that point that I realized his head was coming toward me.”
Rose: “Were his
eyes open or closed?”
Dorothy: “Open.
And then he landed. I thought, ‘Oh, Mr. Gordon! Oh, if only Cynthia
Costello was here to see this.’”
Blanche: “Kinky.”
Chuck: “I
understand that you're this way because you've probably never been
with a real man.”
Sophia: “Dorothy,
do I wet myself or laugh?”
Chuck: “All you
need is to be loved by someone who knows how. Someone who will take
his time and then show you passion beyond your wildest dreams.”
Blanche: “Dorothy,
it's over between us.”
Dorothy: “Blanche!”
Blanche: “Dorothy,
now don't try to stop me. Don't you see I have to try this?”
Dorothy: “Oh, all
right, Blanche. I—I understand.”
Chuck: “You're a
good sport.”
Dorothy: “You just
take care of her.”
Sophia: “You know
what I call my pillow? Sal. Sometimes I hug it. Sometimes it lays
there like a big lump, just like your father. That's how I keep him
alive.”
Dorothy: “That's
lovely, Ma.”
Sophia: “You know
what I call my other pillow? Dino. But that's another story. I'll
tell you about it when you're, oh, about 70.”
Dorothy: “I'll be
here.”
Sophia: “So will
I, pussycat. So will I.”
Pat: “Hi, I don't
know if you remember me. My name is Pat. I was on Wake Up Miami with
you last week.”
Dorothy: “Oh, yes,
yes, of course. What can I do for you?”
Pat: “I heard
about you and Blanche.”
Dorothy: “I'm
sorry. It's too soon. Too soon.”
Critique:
What the hell is with image consultants? Pat and Kathy seemed like
they were really in love and now that Dorothy and Blanche have called it
quits Pat thinks she can just swoop Dorothy off her feet? Or maybe
she just wants Dorothy for SEX GAMES?? But I digress. Who the hell doesn’t
absolutely love this infamous episode? Sure it’s called
“Goodbye Mr. Gordon” but the only important storyline is that of
Dorothy and Blanche being mistaken for lesbians on local daytime TV.
Everything about the Wake Up Miami sequence is brilliant, from
Dorothy sitting there befuddled with her bouquet of flowers, to the
whole image consultant thing, to Sophia asking probing questions (and
Dorothy’s response about THE HOME), to Rose being called Harold
Goldstein. The look on Dorothy’s face throughout this whole scene
is the entire reason why Bea Arthur is a freaking TV legend. And all
Rose cares about is possibly beating The Price is Right in the
ratings. Sometimes I think about how Rose could be dumb enough to
think that the other producers of the show wanted women who “loved
each other and slept together” and didn’t assume lesbians. But
then again we recall from the Jean episode that Rose most likely
didn’t know what a lesbian was but could of “looked it up.” Fun
Fact: Golden Girls stage manager Kent Zbornak appears in this episode
as one of the crew members of Wake Up Miami. GRADE: A
