Synopsis: Stan
becomes a success after inventing “the Zbornie:” a baked potato
opener; Blanche buys Rose’s old junk including St. Olaf war bonds
which turn out to be worth a lot.
80s Flashback
Dorothy [reading
Stan’s letter]: “‘Dear Dorothy, in case you change your mind,
here are three things to remember at the cocktail party. Number one,
ask for more potatoes. Number two, be appalled that Joe Isuzu wasn't
played by an Asian actor. And number three, under no circumstances
walk on their backs. Even if they beg you and they will.’”
90s Flashback
Blanche: “I don't
wanna have to deal with 400 people in Simpsons t-shirts trying to
knock 25 cents off your ‘I lost my ass in Vegas’ cup.”
Let’s Get
Political
Blanche: “How'd it
go?”
Stan: “Ah, it was
great. Those Japanese sure know how to have fun. What was that crazy
dance called again?”
Dorothy: “They
were bowing, Stanley.”
Stan: “Wild. They
were just wild. They loved you, Dorothy.”
Dorothy: “No, they
loved you, except, of course, for those Hirohito jokes.”
Stan: “Too soon?”
St. Olaf Vocab
Crapola in a Box –
junk one tends to collect over time including but not limited to
things that don’t fit right, smell bad, or make strangers look at
you and giggle.
Knukendup und
schvingle – knocked up and single
That’s What She
Said
Sophia: “Pussycat,
taste this.”
Blanche: “Oh, my.
Is it gonna be a big one?”
Lewd Ladies
Rose: “What's a
Zbornie?”
Dorothy: “I put up
with it for 38 years, Rose. You don't wanna know.”
Stan: “It’s not
that Dorothy, I just used the same name.”
Zbornak Zingers
Stan: “Turn on
your TV. It is almost 6:28.”
Rose: “What's
happening at 6:28?”
Stan: “You're
gonna find out why Stan Zbornak is now a very rich man.”
Dorothy: “What is
it this time, Stanley? Whoopee cushions for the hearing impaired?”
Dorothy: “I'll
need someone to fasten my pearls.”
Stan: “Aw, babe.
The ones I gave you?”
Dorothy: “No,
sweetheart. The real ones.”
Insult Watch
Dorothy: “Well,
Blanche, looks like the splits have it.”
Blanche: “Big
Daddy was right. Women should not be allowed to vote.”
Sophia: “Blanche,
If it's any consolation, when I wrote down ‘Give it to the old
lady,’ I did mean you.”
Blanche: “Oh,
Sophia, no bingo tonight?”
Sophia: “I'm
staying home, I’m trying to recapture my lost youth. I see you
haven't got it.”
Product Placement
Sophia: “Oh,
Stanley, how nice of you to stop by. Bring me anything?”
Stan: “Of course.
Now, who's my gorgeous gray-haired gal?”
Sophia: “It's me,
isn't it, Stan?”
Stan: “You're
right.”
Sophia: “Wow, a
Game Boy! Very nice.”
Sassy Sophia
Dorothy: “Ma,
where did you get that money? Stan gave it to me.”
Dorothy: “Ma, he's
trying to buy your love.”
Sophia: “I'm
sellin' it!”
Back in St. Olaf
Blanche: “Now wait
a minute. Are you telling me that St. Olaf printed its own war
bonds?”
Rose: “Yes. Oh, we
were very patriotic. In late '42, we wanted to fund the development
of a top-secret weapon that we were sure would end the war: attack
cows.”
Blanche: “Take me
now, Lord.”
Rose: “No one
expects trouble from a cow. The plan was, we would drop these highly
trained killer cows behind the enemy lines. It wasn't till they were
airborne that we realized a cow can't pull a rip cord. Well, the
project wasn't a total failure. If there's one thing the Germans
hate, it's a mess.”
Rose: “You're not
gonna believe this, but I have a St. Olaf story about this.”
Dorothy: “I
believe you. I just hate you.”
Rose: “Well,
Gunilla Bjorndunker, St. Olaf's tallest woman, of course, nobody ever
made fun of her for that. Anyway, when Old Space Needle was in high
school she drank some cherry herring and made love in the backseat of
a Fjord Fjairlane. Local car. And she got in trouble, if you know
what I mean, Dorothy.
Knukendup und
schvingle.”
Sophia: “She knows
what you mean.”
Rose: “Anyway, her
boyfriend, Yutz Hernsberg, St. Olaf's only bald high school student,
had to marry her.”
Blanche: “Well why
would she marry a guy like that?”
Dorothy: “Because
I was young! I-I'm sorry - I'm sorry, Rose. This is your story. Go,
go on. Go on. “
Rose: “Well,
anyway, after 38 years of marriage and a painful divorce, he finally
came back, having invented Hernsberg's Press-on Warts.”
Dorothy: “Who
bought those??”
Rose: “Hags,
mostly. Don't you see? He was successful and he wanted Gunilla back.”
Dorothy: “Well,
what happened to her, Rose?”
Rose: “Skylab fell
on her.”
Dorothy: “What is
the point of this story?!”
Rose: “Be thankful
for your health!”
Blanche: “Rose, do
you think we can go call St. Olaf now, and you can explain it to them
the way I explained it to you?”
Rose: “Well, we
could try. We might not be able to get a hold of anybody. It's
'Everybody Hide the Corn Day.'”
Sweet,
Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Stan (in
commercial): “Over half a million Zbornies have already been sold.
Call this toll-free number now. Remember, with the Zbornie, a day
without potatoes is unnecessary.”
Stan: “That's my
line.”
Rose (using phone):
“Hi, I'd like to order the Zbornie.”
Dorothy Zbornak is
My Spirit Animal
Dorothy [reading a
letter from Stan]: “’Have a potato day. See you later, tater.
Your spuddy, Stan.’ I can't believe it. I just I - one beer. One
beer in high school, and my life is ruined.”
What, We Can’t
Learn From History?
Dorothy: “I have
to admit, Stan was pretty amazing today. Did you see the way he stood
up for himself? I mean this is not the same guy who screamed, ‘Paint
my toenails! We've just invaded Korea!’"
The Boob Tube
Stan: “Dorothy, I
need someone who's classy who can handle the rich and powerful.
Someone not too obviously sexy.”
Dorothy: “Why
don't you ask Merv Griffin?”
Golden Quotes
Stan (in
commercial): “I've invented the Zbornie, America's first
baked-potato opener. Now you can open potatoes without burning your
fingers.”
Rose: “No! It
can't be done!”
Stan (in
commercial): “It CAN be done!”
Blanche: “Rose,
you know all that stuff you sold me? That St. Olaf memorabilia and
the things from your childhood?”
Rose: “A lifetime
of memories.”
Blanche: “Yeah,
that's it. Well, I came across these as I was tossing that junk in
the dumpster.”
Blanche: “I paid
for these fair and square. You said yourself, all deals are final.”
Rose: “Charlie
would want me to have them.”
Blanche: “George
would want me to keep 'em. Don't try that with me, Rose Nylund. I'll
match you dead husband for dead husband.”
Blanche: “Oh, a
new convertible! Oh, it's gorgeous.”
Dorothy: “Stan, I
am not driving around with license plates that say ‘POTHEAD.’”
Stan: "It's an
abbreviation. I didn't have room for the whole ‘potato
head.’”
[later]:
Sophia: “HEY STAN,
COULD I BE POTHEAD??”
Rose: “If we take
that money, there won't be any left for the police cars and the fire
trucks and the children's Cheese Museum.”
Blanche: “You have
a museum where children go to look at cheese?”
Rose: “Hey, it
beats learning about it in the streets.”
Rose: “This whole
St. Olaf problem is my fault. I can't believe I forgot I had those
bonds. How could I be so stupid?”
Dorothy: “Maybe it
was something you ate… Like food.”
Dorothy: “Now,
look. This is important to Rose, and I think we need to stand behind
her. I mean, you're taking away a part of her; her... her home.
Granted, it's the cradle of idiocy.”
Rose: “I have a
frog buried there.”
Rose: “Blanche,
thank you. On behalf of the people of St. Olaf, I'd like to do a
thank-you dance. I'll need a pot and a sheet, a rubber band, and a
spoon.”
Dorothy: “Making a
drum?”
Rose: “I guess you
could.”
Dorothy [tying
Stan's bow-tie]: “This reminds me of the first time I ever did
this. Night of our senior prom.”
Stan: “Yeah,
remember? It took so long to get the tie fixed, by the time we got to
the drugstore, it was closed.”
Dorothy: “I
remember. I remember.” [strangles Stan]
Critique:
First
of all, I don’t understand why Blanche is so against having a yard
sale. Maybe she has PTSD from the time that lady tried to buy her
Elvis salt & pepper shakers? But I digress. This
is a seriously standout episode and sets a trend that will be
followed throughout this season. Dorothy begins to fall for Stan all
over again. And you know what, as much as she complains about the
guy, they actually have tremendous chemistry together. Their jabs are
hilarious. This episode is notable for other reasons as well. It
introduced so many classic GG phrases and vocabulary, much of which
has to do with St. Olaf. There's crapola in a box, the cradle of
idiocy, the children's cheese museum, and “everybody hide the corn
day” just to name a few. And then of course there's ZBORNIE. A
device that needs no explanation. Sure maybe some of the jokes
involving Stan's deal with Japanese investors are a tad off-color but
this show could pretty much get away with anything. The
writing in this episode is fresh and crisp and everyone gets some
great, classic lines. Even five seasons this show was white hot.
GRADE: A-