Friday, June 5, 2020

Ebbtide VI The Wrath of Stan S7E18

Synopsis: Associate producer Rose unwittingly exposes Stan and Dorothy as slumlords when the apartment building they own is overrun with bugs; Sophia needs a new pair of shoes.

90s Flashback
Stan: “You know Dorothy, in some ways we’re lucky. How many people get locked up with someone they’re attracted to?”
Dorothy: “I don’t know, the name Marion Barry comes to mind.”

Crazy Continuity
In a rare bit of actual continuity, Dorothy asks about Stan’s lawyer Marvin Mitchelson, who was Stan’s lawyer in “There Goes the Bride Part 2” (and a real celebrity attorney who died in 2004) and Dorothy thinks about “shacking up with Stan” again.

Let’s Get Political
Dorothy: “You know what I hate about Sweeps Week? The news. It’s sex, sex, sex. Why can’t they do serious stories, stories with political relevance?”
Blanche: “Yes, like, sex in the new Russia, is it worth standing in line for?”
Rose: “Well I’ve been working on a whole list of ideas that have nothing to do with sex, but they keep turning me down.”
Dorothy: “Oh like what?”
Rose: “Well things I think people would be interested in. Like, Who’s in charge of cheese? Or, Lincoln, great statesman or gas guzzler?”
Dorothy: “Idiots in position of power.”
Rose: “Good one!”

Shady Pines, Ma
Assistant D.A. Peterson: “In your own words, Mrs. Petrillo – the words of a beautiful, dignified person who’s got a wild bod for a chick her age – what kind of person is your daughter?”
Sophia: “She put me in a home.”

Lewd Ladies
Angelo: “Is Dorothy here?”
Rose: “No, she went with Sophia to get shoes.”
Angelo: “She hates taking Sophia for shoes.”
Rose: “I know, but Dorothy decided to go when Sophia and Blanche started talking about whether or not Sophia should put on underwear. They said it’d be fun to scare the hell outta the shoe salesman.”

Picture It
Dorothy: “Ma, you wear those shoes, because they’re the only shoes you say you can wear. Whenever we get you other shoes, you say they’re uncomfortable.”
Sophia: “I’m cursed with these square feet. When I was a girl in Sicily we were too poor for shoes, so I wore olive oil cans.”

Zbornak Zingers
Rose: “Miami’s sordid sex scene, who’s to blame?”
Dorothy, pointing to Blanche: “That’s her, she’s the one!”

Insult Watch
Sophia: “My god Dorothy, did you see all the reporters out there?”
Dorothy: “I know, this is becoming a media circus.”
Sophia: “And they really hate you. ‘The Big Bug Lady’ they call you. You deserve a better nickname. I dunno something like ‘Big Mean Landlady’ or ‘Big Mean Dorothy,’ something with ‘Big Mean.’”
Blanche: “Dorothy, I am so excited. I just go interviewed. They asked me if you were clean at home. I said, ‘Well you won’t find any crumbs in her bed, you won’t find anything in her bed.”

Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “Dorothy, don’t worry! We’ll have you outta jail in no time. I’ll get the best attorney social security can buy!”

Best of B.E.D.
Rose: “Now that I’m associate producer of Wake Up Miami, I have to come up with topical show ideas for Sweeps Week. I need something that’ll give us really big ratings.”
Blanche: “And I will have you know there is nothing sordid about my sex life. Nothing! Oh great, now I’m depressed.”

Blanche: “Dorothy, tonight I’m gonna be out front in a laundry truck.”
Dorothy: “Gotcha. So...”
Blanche: “If you hear screaming don’t call the cops.”

From Feud to Food
Sophia: “Don’t worry Pussycat we won’t rest until we get you outta here.”
Dorothy: “Thanks Ma.”
Sophia: “Who wants Chinese, I got her credit card! I got her credit card!”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Rose: “Good luck Dorothy. I’ll miss you. I love you.”
Dorothy: “Someday sweetheart, I’m going to get out of his hellhole and I’m going to come looking for you...”
Rose: “Dont spend all of your time in prison hating me Dorothy, learn a trade!”

Stan: “I’m going stir crazy. There’s no way out. No way out.”
Dorothy: “Stanley, they let you keep your belt and shoelaces. Think about that.”

Reel References
Dorothy: “Hi Ma.”
Sophia: “My God, did you bust out? Don’t worry, I know what to do. We’ll get you a phony license and birth certificate. I know a good plastic surgeon by tomorrow morning you could be Raul Julia.”

Golden Quotes
Sophia: “Pussycat, what’s short, wrinkly and sticks outta my shoes?”
Dorothy: “You.”

Blanche: “You know, Dorothy I think you’re being too hard on her. I know how difficult buying shoes can be. Sometimes you get yourself a really good-looking salesman, and you try to pretend you don’t notice his hands caressing your calf as he tries to keep his mind on shoes, but all the time he’s thinking ‘Dare I peek? Dare I look more? Dare I look where no eyes have looked before?’ Then as he kneels there before you, little beads of perspiration breakin’ out on his forehead, his breath comin’ shorter and quicker. He, ever so gently, slips the supple leather on your quivering foot. And you achieve a perfect fit. Come on old woman, we need shoes now!!”

Rose: “Angelo, take me to your apartment.”
Uncle Angelo: “Bugs’a make you hot? We got big ones and millions of them.”

Dorothy: “I never wanna go through that again.”
Blanche: “At least we got the shoes.”
Sophia: “And the balloon, and you didn’t have to pay extra.”
Dorothy: “I just had to swear that I would never take you back again.”
Sophia: “Slimshack makes you swear that every year.”
Dorothy, holding up a bandaged finger: “In blood?”

Blanche: “Sophia, there’s something I don’t understand. Now you’re always a bit ornery, unpleasant, impolite, even downright mean, that’s part of your charm.”
Sophia: “Thank you, you bed-hopping relic.”
[Blanche pops Sophia’s balloon]
Blanche: “The point, I’m trying to make is your behaviour in this shoe thing is extreme, even for you. What is goin’ on?”
Sophia: “Well, Dorothy always makes me buy the same old-lady shoes, I never get anything new and exciting. It’s just another reminder of what old age takes away from you. First husbands, then cute shoes, what’s old age gonna take away from me next. Hey! Where’s my balloon??”

Rose: “My boss said he wanted to expose Angelo’s landlord for making him live under those terrible conditions, but Angelo wouldn’t give us his name.”
Sophia: “A Sicilian never squeals, never. Did you offer him money?”
Rose: “No!”
Sophia: “Never. He wouldn’t!”

Rose: “I’m not gonna rest, I’m not gonna sleep, I’m not gonna eat until I track that scum down.”
Dorothy: “Rose, I’m the scum.”

Rose: “Dorothy, isn’t this something? You’ve become what we in the news business call ‘a hot story.’”
Dorothy: “And you’ve become what we call in the revenge business, next.”

Stan: “Believe me she’s very bright, we were the only two in the bar who got the jokes on the cocktail napkins. Dorothy, I want you to meet our attorney Tracy. Tracy, this is Dorothy.”
Tracy: “Hi-dee-ho!!”
Dorothy: “Hi-dee-ho.”

Dorothy: “Uh, where did you go to law school?”
Tracy: “A whole bunch of places.”

Dorothy: “Wait a minute, you want me to live with him in the same apartment?”
Judge: “That’s right.”
Dorothy: “But there are bugs there, and they’ll think Stan is their leader!”

Dorothy: “For the last time, I am not getting you an electric golf cart, and that’s that!”
Sophia: “Hello, Wake Up Miami? The Big Mean Bug Lady - she’s at it again.”

Critique: Hi-dee-ho! Ok, so I don’t pretend to be an expert in the judicial system, but this has to be one of the weirdest plotted episode thus far. Dorothy is arrested for being a slumlord, WHILE THE NEWS STORY IS PLAYING OUT ON TV. It turns into a media frenzy and they have the most random “trial” I’ve ever seen, with witness accounts, that ends with the judge giving Stan and Dorothy the most bizarre sentence: to live in their own bug-infested building. I have so many questions? Is there a guard making sure they don’t escape? How was Stan able to run out and buy flowers and wine for Dorothy? Did Dorothy ever let him back in? And why did Blanche hook up with a guy in a laundry truck if she didn’t even want to date a pharmacist? Let’s be honest, this episode is all about Blanche popping Sophia’s shoe store balloon; it has become one of the most randomly memorable gags in the entire series (and one of the most popular gifs for birthday wishes on Facebook). Blanche’s horny shoe monologue is as legendary as it is dated. When was the last time you actually had help from a salesman when buying shoes? Speaking of shoes, how dark is Dorothy’s belt and shoelaces comment? But I digress. Yes this another one of those wacky season 7 episodes that really shows how much the writers were struggling to come up with good, meaningful story ideas, but I appreciate they’re strange go-for-broke attempt as well as the actual continuity here: let’s remember that Dorothy and Stan inherited that building way back in Season 6. This is also Uncle Angelo’s final appearance on the show. We’re getting to the end folks! GRADE: B

Friday, March 20, 2020

Questions & Answers S7E17

Synopsis: Dorothy applies to be on her favorite show Jeopardy! Meanwhile, Rose brings her newly adopted dog Jake to the hospital to cheer up elderly patients. Wowee!

Crazy Continuity
Rose says here her family had a cat named Scruffy. For someone who’s “never had cats cause she’s allergic” she’s certainly owned a lot of them.

Let’s Get Political
Rose: “Isn’t this dog amazing. He can find anything.”
Sophia: “Anything?? A viable Democrat for president! Go!”

That’s What She Said
Blanche: “Hey. I’ll show you mind if you show me yours.”

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Dorothy [dreaming]: “I won! I won! I won!”
Sophia: “She must be having the shot-put dream again.”

Animal Alert
Mr. Hubbard: “Grace loves animals, always has.
Rose: “Well everybody does Mr. Hubbard. That’s why ancient man, when he discovered the need for pets, turned to the animal kingdom.”
Mr. Hubbard: “I see.”
Mrs. Hubbard: “What a good boy. Yes you are!”
Rose: “Oh he reminds me of my old dog Rusty.”
Mr. Hubbard: “Rose, please, Grace isn’t feeling well. Can we skip the Rusty story today?”

Zbornak Zingers
Blanche [running after Jake]: “Hey! That slipper is from the Mamie Van Doren Collection!”
Dorothy: “Will you look at that. Man’s best friend… chasing man’s best friend.”

Insult Watch
Dorothy: “It’s been two days, why haven’t those Jeopardy people called??”
Blanche: “Dorothy, I’m surprised at this reaction. God knows you’ve had your share of experience sittin’ by a phone that doesn’t ring.”

Product Placement
Blanche, whispering: “Dorothy, where are the Ural Mountains?”
Dorothy: “Well well well, Blanche. A pot of lip gloss and a tube of Maybelline can’t help you now can they, Blanche?”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “Oh I love you already. In fact I haven’t felt this way about a dog since… since Rusty.”
Dorothy: “Oh God not the Rusty story again!”
Rose: “Charlie brought him home as a present after our first child was born.”
Blanche: “Oh I wish we had a doggy door so I could push your head through it.”
Rose: “Oh he was the best. Trustworthy, loyal, smart as a whip. Oh I thought Rusty was going to be with our family forever.”
Sophia: “Dorothy, do we have any candles? I’d like to drip some hot wax in my ears.”
Rose: “Then one horrible horrible night our house caught on fire. And it was Rusty who awkened everybody. It was Rusty who pulled us all to safety. He even dashed back in the burning building to rescue Scruffy our cat...”
All: “Whom he never really liked.”
Rose: “Yes sir, he was a real hero. Oh, if only he hadn’t gone back in for the TV. He was a dachshund for god’s sake, I mean what made him think he could carry a TV?”
Sophia: “You know how pig-headed the Germans are.”

Best of B.E.D.
Dorothy: “What are you talking about Blanche, you’ve never cared about Jeopardy.”
Blanche: “No but I do care for Alex Trebek. You see, I’ve never had a Canadian who wasn’t on skates.”
Dorothy: “I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”
Blanche: “I have this recurring fantasy: Take me Alex, take me now. I tell him. And he says to me, not uh uh, Blanche, in the form of a question.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Blanche: “We wanted to pick up your spirits Rose, so close your eyes. Close your eyes.”
[Dorothy brings in a dog, who promptly licks Rose’s face]
Rose: “Oh very funny Blanche, just give me the gift.”

What, We Can't Learn From History?
Sophia: “Yes Pussycat, Jeopardy is your favorite show.”
Dorothy: “I watch it every night.”
Blanche: “We know, we missed the entire Gulf War.”

From Feud to Food
Rose: “Uh, Gum for two hundred.”
Alex Trebek: “The answer is: Latin term for a colloidal carbohydrate found in certain trees and plants?”
Rose: “What is Juicy Fruit?”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Rose: “Wow, what a tough day, I really need somebody to talk to.”
Dorothy: “Gotta go!”

[phone rings]
Dorothy: “Hello? Yes this is she. Oh my God, it’s them, it’s Jeopardy! I did? Oh, this is wonderful. Yeah wonderful! What? Yes, yes she’s my, she’s my roommate. Oh that is fabulous news too. Oh sure, sure I’ll be happy to tell her. Blanche, YOU FLUNKED.”

Reel References
Alex Trebek: “Loretta Young played an innocent milkmaid in this Oscar-winning 1947 film. Charlie?”
Charlie: “What is The Farmer’s Daughter?”
Alex Trebek: “You are right.”
Charlie: “I thought it was a different kind of movie.”

Alex Trebek: “The answer: Old Yeller. The China Syndrome. Truth or Dare. Charlie?”
Charlie: “What are Miss July’s all-time favorite films?”

The Boob Tube
Dorothy: “Everybody, listen to this. Alex Trebek and the Jeopardy people are auditioning contestants in Miami. They’re coming here. Jeopardy! Oh! It’s my favorite show! Wowee!”

Golden Quotes
Rose: “It’s not easy spending that much time with people who are old and sick a frail.”
Sophia: “Oh that reminds me, I’ve got Mah Jong tomorrow.”

Rose: “I’m sorry I won’t be able to quiz you, Jake and I are due at the Hubbards. But I have a book here that should help you prepare you for your Jeopardy tryout.”
Dorothy: “The St. Olaf High School Yearbook? No. Thanks anyway, Rose. I don’t think I’ll be needing it.”
Rose: “Well ok, Miss Know-It-All, but if Alex Trebek asks you what years Ulf Horvald was on the student council back-to-back, don’t come crying to me.”
Dorothy: “1946 and 47. I intend to win this.”

Sophia: “You’re being too intense here. Don’t you remember that spelling bee in second grade? You beat all the kids so bad they wouldn’t invite you to any birthday parties.”
Dorothy: “Ma, that had nothing to do with the spelling bee. The kids were just jealous of me. Jealous. J – E – A – L-”
Sophia: “All right, all right!”
Dorothy: “Besides Ma, all that studying paid off.”
Sophia: “Oh yeah, paid off. You got knocked off in high school.”
Dorothy: “Ma, I am 60 years old, why do you have to bring this up every day of my life?”
Sophia: “So it won’t happen again.”

Dorothy: “Four-time champion? How? This woman is an idiot.”
Johnny Gilbert: “Oh really? She didn’t get knocked up in high school.”

Rose: “Alex, as you know, I was raised in a rural community. Uh, I’m proud to take Cows for three hundred.”

Alex Trebek: “So let’s move on to double Jeopardy! And the categories for this more difficult round of play are: structural engineering, photometry, Roman law, systems of nonuniform motion, electromagnetic phenomena, and finally, gum.”

Dorothy: “Uh, Alex, structural engineering for uh, oh I’m gonna go for it, a thousand. In fact, give me every category for a thousand.”
Alex Trebek: “Now that’s what I call real Jeopardy! Dorothy, proceed.”
Dorothy: “Uh what is the Varrazano Narrows, what is a foot-candle, uh, what is the Theodosian Code, uh, what is the speed of light. Uh, what is the point of any of this Alex? I am humiliating these two.”

Alex Trebek: “Today, our final Jeopardy category is this: US History.”

Dorothy: “Mr. Griffin please. You are the most beloved man in America. You are bright, you are charming, you are the anti-Trump.”
Alex Trebek: “Excuse me Dorothy, but Mr. Griffin really hates it when people kiss up to him. Isn’t that right your excellency?”

Moderator: “Our contestants: Professor Reginald Bradley of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, Dr. Julie Steever Chief of Neurosurgery Victory Memorial Hospital, and Dorothy Zbornak, a substitute teacher.”

Moderator: “I afraid this is the point where Alex would politely tell you to shut up.”
Dorothy: “He would and he should. I mean after all he is the moderator and the function-”
Moderator: “Shut up.”
Reginald: “What is Pentecost”
Moderator: “I’m sorry.”
Dorothy: “What is Pentateuch?!
Moderator: “Correct.”
Dorothy: “Pentecost please! Somebody stop the bleeding.”
Sophia: “Pussycat, leave a few scraps for the other two nudnicks. You never know when I might need a good neurosurgeon.”
Dorothy: “These people are not nudnicks. They are brilliant, accomplished scientists. And I’m wiping the floor with them.”

Dorothy: “He said America wouldn’t root for me.”
Sophia: “Sweetheart, he’s wrong. How could America not root for you? You’re what this country’s all about. The daughter of immigrants who became the first member of her family to go to college, you made something of yourself.”
Dorothy: “Thanks Ma.”
Sophia: “Until you got knocked up in a backseat by a nobody. People didn’t want you at their birthday parties and they don’t want you in their living rooms.”
Dorothy: “I thought you said this was supposed to make me feel better?”
Sophia: “We did that, now we’re up to the part where I feel better. Come on, let’s go home. Lifesaver?”
Dorothy: “Ah go to hell, Ma.”

Critique: It’s funny how they made Dorothy so much more “book-smart” and nerdy in the last couple seasons. Way back in Season 3 she loved that ridiculous show “Grab That Dough” but now her favorite show is apparently “Jeopardy!” and even though she says she watches it every night, we’ve never actually seen her watch it or even mention it. Eh that doesn’t really matter because it leads us to one of Season 7’s all time greatest scenes: Dorothy’s Jeopardy! dream that features cameos from Alex Trebek and Mr. Anti-Trump himself Merv Griffin. I truly love how us Anti-Trump people have this moment of solidarity from the almighty Dorothy Zbornak. Rose’s storyline about Jake is a cute if uneventful sequence of events (save for that, you know, death) and is yet another attempt by the animal-loving cast to get another perfectly trained, genius dog onto the show. It wouldn't be a 90s sitcom without one. How Rose could get a newly acquired shelter dog a job at a hospital without any training is beyond me. But he made Grace happy so I guess that counts for something. And how does Rose just give away her pets to people all the time? Oh your wife just died, here have my dog! But I digress. Back to the more important task at hand: Trying to figure out what Jeopardy! moment is best. While the dream sequence is a stand-out I am a big fan of the egocentric, substitute teacher Dorothy having fun wiping the floor with her professor and doctor competitors. Sure the Jeopardy guy says that he doesn’t think America would root for Dorothy, but as fans of this brilliant show, we root for her every single time Bea Arthur shows up onscreen. GRADE: A-

Thursday, March 5, 2020

The Commitments S7E16

Synopsis: Dorothy finds herself dating a Beatlemania musician; meanwhile, Blanche freaks out about a guy she’s dating who won’t make a move.

Musical Moments
Dorothy: She loves you/Yeah, yeah, yeah/She loves you/Yeah, yeah, yeah”
Sophia: “’Yeah, yeah, yeah,’ you call that music? ‘Hidy hidy ho,’ now that's music.”

Don: “She loves you”
Dorothy: “Yeah, yeah, yeah”
Don:“She loves you”
Dorothy: “Yeah, yeah, yeah”
Don:“She loves you”
Don & Dorothy: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeaaaah”
Blanche, to Jerry: “That's Dorothy. Really dodged a bullet, didn't you?”

Dorothy: “What can you say about a show by an ex-fake-Beatle that began with I've Got to Be Me and ended with Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting? What the hell was that man doing up there?”
Rose: “Was it as bad as that?”
Dorothy: “Had it been a fight, they would've stopped it.”
Rose: “Did he do any of his own material?”
Dorothy: “Oh, he did his own material, all right. A Tribute to Dorothy. ‘Dot, Dot, What a Girl I Got.’ The last words I heard as I sprinted to my car were, ‘When we shower together, we don't have to turn on hot.’ I guess I just feel a little silly right now. Could I have transferred my love for The Beatles to this one man who plays a Beatle? Could I have been so shallow as to have fallen in love with a persona, and-and not the person? Oh Ma, I need support now. Please, honey, no jokes, no I-told-you-so's.”
Sophia: “Of course not, Dot. ‘Dot, I've gotta trot.’ Hey, listen to me. I'm a Beatle.”

That’s What She Said
Blanche: “Oh, Sophia, do you know where any batteries are?”
Sophia: “Oh you make me sick.”

Lewd Ladies
Rose: “Morning, Blanche. How was your date last night?”
Blanche”“Ha! How was my date last night? I woke up alone. That's how my date was last night. He didn't open my car door. He did not escort me into the restaurant, didn't pull out my chair, and then, when the check came, he made me pay half the bill! What did I ever do to deserve that?”
Rose: “Sounds to me like you put out before dinner again.”

Sassy Sophia
Jerry: “Hi, I'm Jerry. Is Dorothy Zbornak here?”
Blanche: “Uh... Uh...”
Sophia: “I'm Dorothy Zbornak.”
Rose: “Sophia, you stop that. You are not Dorothy Zbornak. I'm Dorothy Zbornak.”
Sophia: “All right, all right, but I am a Petrillo, and I've been known to make princes and kings leave their wives and palaces and dance the bossa nova.”
Jerry: “Excuse me, what does that mean?”
Sophia: “I think it means today is placebo-pill day. I'm going to bed.”

Back in St. Olaf
Blanche: “Listen, girls, don't one of you have a story about some man who wouldn't sleep with you?”
Dorothy: “Golly, I sure don't.”
Blanche: “Stop it.”
Rose: “I have a story, a story that'll end all stories.”
Dorothy: “Oh, Rose, please.
Blanche: “All right, but, honey, make it fast. Ten words or less.”
Rose: “All right, but your curiosity is gonna be so piqued, you'll beg for more.”
Blanche: “Just spit it out, Rose. When was it a man refused to sleep with you?”
Rose: “The time I was radioactive.”
Blanche: “How 'bout you, Sophia?”
Sophia: “Well, there was that time Warren Beatty passed up the chance to sleep with me.”
Blanche: “So, Rose, you say you were radioactive?”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Oh, Jerry. Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. Come over here. Now, let me clear up any confusion you might have. I don't want to be treated as your equal.”
Jerry: “You don't?”
Blanche: “I want to be treated a lot better than you. I mean, really. Like a goddess who likes to go bar hopping.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Dorothy: “Look, Blanche, are you gonna do this or not? Because my date is on his way over, and I just won a ticket on the radio to a dinner theater Beatlemania. Shut up, Ma.”
Rose: “Beatlemania? You're giving up a date for Beatlemania??”
Dorothy: “Oh, Rose, the Beatles were the first and only rock-and-roll group that I ever really loved. When they came to Shea Stadium, I managed to get a ticket, but one of my kids came down with the flu. It was one of those times when you have to pretend that you love your kids more than something you really wanna do.”

The Boob Tube
Blanche, playing with the remote: “Huh. I wonder how this thing works. Oh, just like The Jetsons. Now, let's just sit ourselves down here and have a little bubbly. You know what goes great with champagne? Me.”

Golden Quotes
Jerry: “I'm supposed to meet a Dorothy Zbornak at this address at 7:30 for a dinner date. So which one of you really is Dorothy Zbornak?”
Blanche: “I am Dorothy's best friend, Blanche. I'm filling in for her because she's dead.”

Dorothy: “Ma, Don plays George in Beatlemania.”
Don: “And Paul when Ernie's sick.”
Sophia: “Well, good for you. Dorothy? What the hell are you doing with this loser?”
Dorothy: “Ma, he is not a loser. He's a wonderful and gifted musician. I know this sounds odd, but when he was on stage, our eyes met and it was.. well, it was, it was kismet. Suddenly, we were spiritually-connected soul mates.”
Don: “And then you threw your underwear at me, didn't you, love?”

Sophia: “I can't believe you. Are you actually standing here, telling your own mother you had sex with a complete stranger?”
Dorothy: “No, but it was an incredible simulation.”

Dorothy: “Girls, I have great news. I finally convinced Don to quit Beatlemania. Isn't that wonderful?”
Sophia: “Dorothy, you're 60 years old and breaking up fake rock-and-roll bands. I want you to think about that.”
Dorothy: “Ma, will you stop it? Thanks to me, Don can now perform his own songs. Do you know what that makes me?”
Sophia: “Yoko Zbornak?”
Dorothy: “His muse. His muse. Well, actually, his old lady.”
Sophia: “Don't you think I know what this is all about? It's about that British Invasion that's been going on in your bedroom.”

Blanche: “Girls, I have a question, a vital question. I want you to think long and hard before answering. Am I ugly?”
Sophia: “Yes.”
Blanche: “I mean, I've always thought of myself as ravishing, but is something changing? Is there, is there, all of a sudden, something disgusting and unattractive about me??”
Sophia: “Yes.”
Blanche: “Now, you cut it out, you old worm woman.”

Rose: “What are you looking for, Blanche?”
Blanche: “Batteries. You know, I bought one of those subliminal self-esteem tapes, but my batteries are dead.”
Rose: “Oh, you don't need those trendy tapes, Blanche. You know what I do when I need a shot of self-esteem?”
Blanche: “Yeah, you put on that dopey ‘It's okay to be me’ sweatshirt, go lock yourself in the bathroom, and then, like a moron, kiss yourself silly in the mirror.”
Rose: “And I guess I'll be back in there again tonight.”

Dorothy: “I am home, dear, dear friends. What a glorious night!”
Blanche: “Dorothy Zbornak, I just hate you. There you go again, rubbing it in, how I'm having a sex drought and you're having a bumper crop.”
Dorothy: “And I'm expecting more rain.”

Rose: “Blanche, think about it. Would it really be so bad if you and Jerry just had a platonic relationship?”
Blanche: “Rose, I already have friends I don't have sex with: You guys.”

Jerry: “My God, Blanche, this bed is vibrating.”
Blanche:“It better be at these prices.”

Blanche: “Wait, Jerry. Wait. There's been a mistake. I had no idea what kind of place this was, I swear.”
Motel worker: “Ms. Devereaux, nice to see you again.”

Blanche: “I am nothing but a cheap tawdry slut.”
Rose: “Don’t tell me, is it Blanche??”

Don: “Hello love.”
Rose: “Dorothy isn't here, Don.”
Don: “Well, actually, I was looking for you. I was wondering if you might want to have a spot of dinner with me.”
Rose: “Oh, I don't think so. I have a boyfriend.”
Don: “Oh. Did I mention Ernie's sick, and I'll be playing Paul this week?”
Rose: “Well, maybe just some coffee.”

So, if Don plays Paul when Ernie’s sick, then who the hell plays George? But I digress. More importantly, read this line of dialogue out-loud: “The time I was radioactive.” I have so many questions. This is the one St. Olaf story that actually sounds remotely interesting and yet we never get to hear it. Tragedy, such a tragedy. Instead we get Dorothy singing “She Loves You Yeah Yeah Yeah” twice, (thank God not thrice) because it was probably all the producers could afford at the time. I really think this Beatlemania plotline existed only so the writers could make that Yoko Zbornak joke, one of the episode’s funniest moments. So yeah, for the wacky 7th season does this actually feels like a more grounded episode? Who else is impressed that Dorothy was able to get her underwear off in the middle of a dinner theater without anyone noticing? I don’t think anyone really lists this episode as being one of their go-to watches but it has some decently funny moments. Blanche’s storyline about dating a man who makes her question her entire sexual existence is fine if underwhelming. The scene at that goofy sex motel is certainly a highlight including the sight of Blanche lunging herself at Jerry to that tribal music. But of course the most memorable moment of Dorothy’s Beatlemania story is of course “Dot Dot what a girl I got.” And of course Sophia has gotta trot. The less said about the episode’s dialed up to 11 corny ending the better. GRADE: B+

Thursday, February 13, 2020

Goodbye Mr. Gordon S7E15

Synopsis: Dorothy gets all giddy when her high school English teacher moves to Miami; meanwhile, hilarity ensues when Rose asks Blanche and Dorothy to appear on a morning talk show about women who live together (read: lesbians).

90s Flashback
Dorothy: “Mr. Gordon is probably over 70 by now. He's practically ancient.”
Sophia: “Seventy is ancient? If I met a man that age who looked halfway decent, I'd be on my back before you could say, ‘I've fallen and I can't get up.’”

…Until the Buffalo Pooped
Sophia: “Here are some pictures of Dorothy at 11, a hilariously awkward age for her.”
Dorothy: “Ma, enough with the pictures. Why don't you get us some coffee?”
Sophia: “Cause it gives me the trots. Oh, I get it. Company. Company. Pardon me.”

That’s What She Said
Blanche: “I have a date tonight with a young man I met in the produce department at the market. I showed him how to thump a melon.”
Sophia: “There's a euphemism we haven't heard before.”

Shady Pines, Ma
Sophia: “Join you for lunch? Let me check my social calendar. Oh, okay, I'm free.”
Dorothy: “Ma, that calendar's from 1984.”
Sophia: “Oh yeah, this is the day I escaped from Shady Pines. It says right here, ‘I'm free! I'm free!’”

Wake Up Miami Host: “Any other questions? Ah, here we go.”
Sophia: “This is directed to Dorothy's lover. Do people treat you differently because you're a lesbian?”
Blanche: “Well, most people don't know.”
Sophia: “Really? I would've guessed right off. Next question to Dorothy. What kind of pain and embarrassment has this lifestyle caused your mother?”
Dorothy: “I really don't know, but I'll ask her tomorrow when I visit her at THE HOME.”
Sophia: “No more questions.”

Lewd Ladies
Blanche: “This is exactly the kind of exposure I've been lookin' for.”
Sophia: “Please, enough of your exposure. We've already lost three gardeners.”

Insult Watch
Sophia: “MORE goofy pictures! Here's Dorothy in her wedding gown. Look how scared the groom looks!”

Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “I don't wanna hear any more of this. I don't like you being taken advantage of by some guy from out of town. At least, when Blanche does it, it's good for tourism.”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “A crush on the teacher. Ahh, I had those. Course I had to hide them because they made the principal jealous. Actually, though, once I did have a fling with the calculus teacher.”
Dorothy: “Oh and did you get an A?”
Blanche: “More like a full scholarship to MIT.”

Lesbian. Lesbian? LESBIAN??
Dorothy: “Rose, we can't kill you here because there are cameras. Now, how did this happen?”
Rose: “Oh, I don't know. They just said they wanted two women who loved each other and slept together.”
Dorothy: “We do not sleep together!!”
Rose: “Yes, you did. Last month, when When Blanche was having her room repainted because the plaster behind her headboard all fell out.”

Brooklyn: A Fairyland
Sophia: “Oh, here's a picture of Dorothy's ninth birthday party. Look how scared the clown looks.”
Dorothy: “You know, I can't believe you actually got a clown for my birthday. I can still see his big red nose and those huge black circles around his eyes.”
Sophia: “Oh, he wasn't a real clown. He was a friend of your father's. He'd been beaten up the night before. We gave him a couple of bucks.”
Dorothy: “I guess that's why he kept saying, “Now remember, kids, nobody likes a squealer.’”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Sophia: “My Dorothy didn't date teachers in high school. She dated losers like Stan who knocked her up and ruined her life forever.”
Dorothy: “It would be like a day without orange juice, wouldn't it, Ma?”

What Do I Look Like, a Cross-Dresser?
Mr. Gordon: “Mrs. Petrillo.”
Sophia: “We met before. You were having a problem with my son, Phil.”
Mr. Gordon: “Oh, right. The problem with the dress code.”
Sophia: “I still don't understand the problem. He was wearing a dress.”

The Boob Tube
Rose: “Girls, guess what? They gave me another job at the television station. The old associate producer quit, so now I am the new associate producer of the Wake-Up! Miami show. They even gave me a nameplate for my desk.”
Dorothy, reading: “Harold Goldstein, Associate Producer.”
Rose: “Isn't it exciting?”
Dorothy: “Oh, congratulations, Harold.”

Blanche: “Rose, could I see you for moment?”
Rose: “You're mad, aren't you?”
Blanche: “Rose Nylund, every man I know is watching this show. This live show. This live show about lesbian lovers of Miami.”
Rose: “Every man you know is watching?? Hey, we could beat The Price Is Right!”

Reel References
Blanche: “I realized something. Just because every man in my life thinks I'm a lesbian doesn't mean there aren't thousands and hundreds and millions of men out there who don't. [Doorbell Rings] That must be my melon man.”
Dorothy: “Zorro rides again.”
Blanche: “Chuck!”
Chuck: “Thumper!”
Rose: “Not exactly a Disney movie, is it?”

Golden Quotes
Blanche: “Dorothy, fess up. I know that was a man. I can always tell when a man calls 'cause you start sweatin' and get a bad case of the giggles.”
Dorothy: “I do not.” (giggles)

Sophia: “Ah, Mr. Gordon. Dorothy had a huge embarrassing crush on him. She was his slave. She graded his papers, did his laundry. Once, she even rotated his tires.”
Dorothy: “Boy, that stroke didn't make you forget a thing, did it, Ma?”

Mr. Gordon: “A lot of my ex-students were surprised that I wasn't older, but, uh, they failed to realize I started teaching right out of college. I really wasn't much older than they were.”
Dorothy: “Well, I--I guess when you're 17, 23 can seem dangerous and forbidden.”
Rose: “When you're 17, a cow can seem dangerous and forbidden… Am I alone here??”

Sophia: “Don't worry, Dorothy. I'll be on my best behavior. I won't say or do anything to embarrass you.
Oh, wait. Goofy pictures of Dorothy when she was a kid. Might as well have a couple of laughs over lunch.”

Blanche: “What's wrong with her?”
Rose: “Malcolm kissed her.”
Blanche: “My God, she's in shock.”
Dorothy: “He gave me flowers… from a store!”

Wake Up Miami Host: “Good morning and welcome to Wake Up Miami. Today, women who live together. Does society make it tougher? We'll find out when we talk to four lesbians today on Wake-Up Miami.”

Rose: “If I lose my job, I won't be able to do anything but sit home and tell St. Olaf stories.”
Blanche: “Blackmail. Oh very smart.”
Rose: “Hey, they don't call me Harold Goldstein for nothin’.”

Wake Up Miami Host: “We're back. Let's meet our panelists. Dorothy, a lesbian. Blanche, another lesbian. And Pat and Kathy, image consultants.”
Dorothy: “How come they're not lesbians?”
Pat: “We don't believe in labels.”

Wake Up Miami Host: “Oh, I see we have a question from the audience. Yes, sir.”
Man in Audience: “Are there male/female roles in the relationship?”
Blanche: “Well, I am the little homemaker, if that's what you mean.”
Dorothy: “Now, wait a minute. Just, li- and I take out the garbage.”
Wake Up Miami Host: “Fascinating.”

Blanche: “By the way, Dorothy, if I were a lesbian, I sure would be a popular one. Look at this, 20 calls. ‘Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the- Oh, what am I doin'? Listen to me. Rose, I could just strangle you.”
Rose: “So you're still miffed?”
Blanche: “Well, I don't mind bein' labeled a lesbian, honey, but since I'm not, you just ruined my social life.”
Rose: “Oh, go ahead. Blanche, I'm a bubblehead and I deserve to die. I said I'm a bubblehead and I deserve to die.”
Dorothy: “And it was worth repeating.”

Dorothy: “Oh, all right. I admit it. I do have a little crush, but his kiss just took me by surprise. You know, at first, I didn't think he was going to do it. He looked more like he was going to wink, but then he slanted his head just slightly to the left.”
Blanche: “Oh, I know that slant.”
Sophia: You know every slant. So why don't you let my daughter finish her one kissing story of the year?”
Dorothy: “Thank you, Ma.”
Sophia: My pleasure, meal ticket.”
Dorothy: “It was at that point that I realized his head was coming toward me.”
Rose: “Were his eyes open or closed?”
Dorothy: “Open. And then he landed. I thought, ‘Oh, Mr. Gordon! Oh, if only Cynthia Costello was here to see this.’”
Blanche: “Kinky.”

Chuck: “I understand that you're this way because you've probably never been with a real man.”
Sophia: “Dorothy, do I wet myself or laugh?”
Chuck: “All you need is to be loved by someone who knows how. Someone who will take his time and then show you passion beyond your wildest dreams.”
Blanche: “Dorothy, it's over between us.”
Dorothy: “Blanche!”
Blanche: “Dorothy, now don't try to stop me. Don't you see I have to try this?”
Dorothy: “Oh, all right, Blanche. I—I understand.”
Chuck: “You're a good sport.”
Dorothy: “You just take care of her.”

Sophia: “You know what I call my pillow? Sal. Sometimes I hug it. Sometimes it lays there like a big lump, just like your father. That's how I keep him alive.”
Dorothy: “That's lovely, Ma.”
Sophia: “You know what I call my other pillow? Dino. But that's another story. I'll tell you about it when you're, oh, about 70.”
Dorothy: “I'll be here.”
Sophia: “So will I, pussycat. So will I.”

Pat: “Hi, I don't know if you remember me. My name is Pat. I was on Wake Up Miami with you last week.”
Dorothy: “Oh, yes, yes, of course. What can I do for you?”
Pat: “I heard about you and Blanche.”
Dorothy: “I'm sorry. It's too soon. Too soon.”

What the hell is with image consultants? Pat and Kathy seemed like they were really in love and now that Dorothy and Blanche have called it quits Pat thinks she can just swoop Dorothy off her feet? Or maybe she just wants Dorothy for SEX GAMES?? But I digress. Who the hell doesn’t absolutely love this infamous episode? Sure it’s called “Goodbye Mr. Gordon” but the only important storyline is that of Dorothy and Blanche being mistaken for lesbians on local daytime TV. Everything about the Wake Up Miami sequence is brilliant, from Dorothy sitting there befuddled with her bouquet of flowers, to the whole image consultant thing, to Sophia asking probing questions (and Dorothy’s response about THE HOME), to Rose being called Harold Goldstein. The look on Dorothy’s face throughout this whole scene is the entire reason why Bea Arthur is a freaking TV legend. And all Rose cares about is possibly beating The Price is Right in the ratings. Sometimes I think about how Rose could be dumb enough to think that the other producers of the show wanted women who “loved each other and slept together” and didn’t assume lesbians. But then again we recall from the Jean episode that Rose most likely didn’t know what a lesbian was but could of “looked it up.” Fun Fact: Golden Girls stage manager Kent Zbornak appears in this episode as one of the crew members of Wake Up Miami. GRADE: A