Thursday, June 29, 2017

Two Rode Together S4E16

Synopsis: Dorothy takes Sophia to Disney World for “quality time,” but all Sophia wants to do is ride Space Mountain; meanwhile, Blanche and Rose team up to write a children's storybook.

80s Flashback
Blanche: “Well this is great. We've been writing stories that have already been written!”
Rose: “Well, if it's any consolation, they do it all the time on Mr. Belvedere.”

Musical Moments
Sam the piano player: “It's a world of laughter/It's a world of tears/It's a world of hopes/And a world of fears/There's so much that we share/That it's time we're aware/It's a small world after all”

Let’s Get Political
Sophia: “Let me tell you a little story. When I was a kid in Sicily, I loved lightning bugs. I'd stand out in the field and watch them light up the night sky. That was magical. That was spectacular. I tell you, I saw a thousand points of light. It was a kinder, gentler America. I turned to my wife, Barbara, and I said--
Dorothy: “Ma, what the hell are you talking about??”
Sophia: “Oh. Sorry, I must have lapsed into George Bush's inauguration speech.”

St. Olaf Vocab
Hans Christian Luckenhueven – St Olaf's greatest author and writer of the classic fairy tale “Hansel & Hansel,” not to mention the book “Tales of Toonder the Tiger & His Friends.”

That’s What She Said
Dorothy: “There's one more thing I want to show you to make this terrific weekend complete.”

Shady Pines, Ma
Dorothy: “Ma, we're going away for the weekend, just the two of us. So pack your bags, we're off to a cabin in the Keys.”
Sophia: “Wait a minute, Dorothy, you pulled this one on me once before. Remember Shady Pines Retirement Village? She told me we were going to a resort. We pull up to this place that looks like the Bates Motel and two goons in white coats drag me inside. And for the next year and a half, I'm forced to make lanyards against my will.”
“Ma, you know that's not how it was.”
“You're right. Sometimes they forced me to make moccasins.”

Lewd Ladies
Blanche: “You know what I'm thinking, Rose?”
Rose: “That with your drawings and my poems, we might go into the greeting card business together?”
Blanche: “No. I'm thinking about a place out at the beach where the waves break so hard, they knock the bathing suits right off the men coming out of the water.”

Zbornak Zingers
Rose: “Why are you both wearing black? Did you just come from a funeral?”
Sophia: “No, Rose. We were singing backup for Johnny Cash.”

Insult Watch
Rose: “Anyway, it made Toonder's wife miserable that her husband was best known for being mediocre.”
Blanche: “I understand Marilyn Quayle feels the same way.”

Product Placement
Rose: “This book is really coming along.”
Blanche: “Yeah, and you can chalk it all up to synergism.”
Rose: “Yeah, synergism. What would we ever do without it? Good old synergism.”
Blanche: “You have no idea what it means, do you?”
Rose: “Not a clue.”
Blanche: “Synergism is the powerful energy that is generated by two people engaged in the same activity. Up till now, I had no idea it could occur outside a Howard Johnson's motor lodge!”

Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “Space Mountain, here I come.”
Dorothy: “Ma, I told you, no scary rides.”
Sophia: “Then we'd better find another way to get to the airport. The cabby is wearing a turban.”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “Once upon a time in the magical land of Flafluevenhaven... lived Toonder the mediocre tiger. He was mediocre because there was nothing special about him. He wasn't talented, he wasn't smart, he wasn't rich, he wasn't handsome. He wasn't good at anything…. Anyway, it made Toonder's wife miserable that her husband was best known for being mediocre... So she asked her fairy godmother to grant Toonder the ability to perform incredible feats of magic, and her wish was granted. Toonder the Mediocre became Toonder the Magnificent…. Well, Toonder the tiger spent so much time performing that he didn't have enough time to spend with his wife. Well she told him that she missed the time they had together when he was just mediocre, so Toonder used his magic only once more, and that was to make his powers disappear.”
Blanche: “And they lived happily ever after?”
Rose: “No, actually she got bored and ran off with Wiseblat the weasel, Toonder's old business manager. But they lived happily ever after.”
Blanche: “What happened to Toonder??”
Dorothy: “Oh, who cares, Blanche!! Once you hear 'happily ever after,' it's over.”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Well, Dorothy, I live by one simple rule. Share your love with people today 'cause they may be gone tomorrow.”
Dorothy: “That's a beautiful sentiment, Blanche.”
Blanche: “Comes from dating a lot of traveling salesmen.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Dorothy: “Ma's 82 years old. Edith was only six years older. You can guess what I'm thinking.”
Blanche: “You're thinking your time with Sophia may be running short.”
Rose: “Wow, Blanche. That's amazing. Now guess what I'm thinking.”

Reel References
Dorothy: “Ma, why are you trying so hard to ruin my weekend?”
Sophia: “You don't get it, do you? This weekend could've been a lot of fun, until you decided we were gonna have quality time.”
Dorothy: “Is that so horrible? Ma, all I wanted to do was have us finish unfinished business and say things to each other that we never said before.”
Sophia: “Dorothy, this isn't On Golden Pond.”
Dorothy: “I know, Ma.”
Sophia: “And you're not Jane Fonda.”

The Boob Tube
“Ma, you've been in there for 20 minutes, now what are you doing?”
“Painting a fresco on the ceiling. It's a bathroom. What do you think I'm doing? What are you writing?”
“Oh, nothing.”
“What do you mean nothing? What is that?”
“Well Ma, you have such a great sense of humor. And I can never remember all the funny things you say, so I've decided to keep a journal.”
“A Journal? Who the hell are you? Bill Moyers?”
“That is classic. Bill Moy-ers.”

Golden Quotes
Dorothy: “Oh, Pop was sure a lousy photographer. Who is that?”
Sophia: “Uncle Vittorio.”
Dorothy: “His head's cut off. How can you tell?”
Sophia: “Because that's exactly how he looked in the morgue after he turned state's evidence against Benny the Blade.”

Dorothy: “I'm sorry, Ma. I was trying to remember when was the last time I said 'I love you.'”
Sophia: “After lunch, when I said you had grilled cheese stuck to your chin.”

Dorothy: “So what you're saying, Ma, is that, like a lightning bug, I put you in a glass jar and, waiting for you to light up, I nearly suffocated you.”
Sophia: “Geez, Dorothy, you sure know how to beat a metaphor to death.”

This episode has everything. St. Olaf fairy tales, walks down memories lane, awkward stock Disney World footage, and even a “Casablanca” satire. I could also watch Sophia try to steal crap from her hotel room over and over and over again. But I digress. I'm a huge fan of this episode. Sure we never really get to see Disney World the way other sitcoms of the day did. Roseanne, Full House, and Family Matters all had episodes that took place at Disney World. You'd think since the show took place in Florida they'd have more than just some brief stock footage. If only to see Bea Arthur fly by in a Space Mountain train. Anywho, this is a great episode because both story lines are exceptionally solid. Rose and Blanche have some really great moments with each other Blanche is typical Blanche with her “brilliant” drawings which we never get to see. I could also listen to Blanche say “Who's Hans Christian Luckenhueven” a million times. Bea Arthur and Estelle Getty, to get all Disneyfied, are simply magical here. This episode is the epitome of their fantastic chemistry. If you can't buy that these two people are actually mother and daughter then, like Rose, you probably need a CATSCAN. The current cost of a one day pass to Disney World? $124. The cost of listening to Bea Arthur's guttural scream on Space Mountain? Priceless. GRADE: A
episode has everything. St. Olaf fairy tales, walks down memories
lane, awkward stock Disney
World footage, and even a 
“Casablanca” satire. I
could also watch Sophia try to steal crap from her hotel room over
and over and over again. But I digress. I'm a huge fan of this
episode. Sure we never really get to see Disney World the way other
sitcoms of the day did. Roseanne, Full House, and Family Matters all
had episodes that took place at Disney World. You'd think since the
show took place in Florida they'd have more than just some brief
stock footage. If only to see Bea Arthur fly by in a Space Mountain
train. Anywho, this is a great episode because both story lines are
exceptionally solid. Rose and Blanche have some really great moments
with each other Blanche is typical Blanche with her “brilliant”
drawings which we never get to see. I could also listen to Blanche
say “Who's Hans Christian Luckenhueven”
a million times. Bea Arthur
and Estelle Getty, to get all Disneyfied, are simply magical here.
This episode is the epitome of their fantastic chemistry. If you
can't buy that these two people are actually mother and daughter
then, like Rose, you probably need a CATSCAN. The
current cost of a one day pass to Disney World? $124. The cost of
listening to Bea Arthur's guttural
scream on Space Mountain? Priceless. GRADE: AAnyway, it made Toonder's wife miserable that her husband was best known for being mediocre.
I understand Marilyn Quayle feels the same way.

Read more:

Monday, June 26, 2017

Valentine's Day S4E15

Synopsis: After their dates cancel on them, the girls reminisce about past Valentine’s Day memories.

80s Flashback
Dorothy: “Thanks a lot, Rose. Oh, this is a great Valentine's weekend. Stuck in a hotel at a nudist camp for ten hours.”
Rose: “I'm sorry, Dorothy. It's all my fault. I misunderstood the brochure.”
Dorothy: “‘Fun in the buff at a mountain retreat. Hike, swim, and play volleyball while the sun beats down on your fanny.’”
Dorothy: “Call David Horowitz. I mean, how can they get away with this misrepresentation?”

Crazy Continuity
In the “Bedtime Story” episode, Dorothy says she always wanted to try a nudist camp (“Some big pots belong on the back burner”). But here, when Rose accidently books their vacation at a clothing optional resort, she’s initially sickened by it.

Musical Moments
Julio Iglesias serenades Sophia with “Begin the Beguine”
Let’s Get Political
Dorothy: “That piece of chocolate was in your mouth and I just put it in mine.”
Sophia: “Big deal. We took a bite out of the same piece of chocolate. Call C. Everett Koop. I only breast-fed you for the first two years of your life. You wanna talk disgusting? That's disgusting.”

St. Olaf Vocab
Klingenspritzer – while we don’t get the actual meaning, in the context of how it’s used by Rose, we can assume it means a part of the male body usually covered by clothing, i.e., a penis.

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Blanche: “Come here a minute. I want you to see this guy playing volleyball.”
Dorothy: “Blanche, will you stop acting like a teenager? You have seen naked men before. What is the big deal? Whoa. Is that a legal serve?”

That’s What She Said
Nude bellhop: “Excuse me, where would you like me to put this?”
Blanche: “Oh, well, buy me a drink and we'll talk.”

Lewd Ladies
Blanche: “It's just so beautiful up here. The fresh air, the wide open spaces. You know, being in the mountains always puts me in a romantic mood. Dorothy, did you ever make love on top of a mountain?”
Dorothy: “No. The closest I ever came was making love of top of a fat guy called Old Smoky.”

Nude Bellhop: “Ladies, may I show you to your room?”
Dorothy: “Just point the way.”
Blanche: “Oh good, it’s on the second floor.”

Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: “Well we are going away for a romantic weekend to the Bahamas with Jeff and Rich and Randy. In this day and age it might be a good idea to take along some… protection.”
Rose: “What kind of protection?
Dorothy: “Two armed Pinkerton guards.”

Insult Watch
Rose: “I'm starting to chicken out.”
Blanche: “Now, Rose. Don't you be self-conscious. There's probably lots of people here with bodies worse than yours and Dorothy's.”

Product Placement
Drugstore clerk: “Joe, I need a price check on some condoms. These three ladies here want a couple of boxes of the King George prophylactics.”
Joe: “The lambskins or the ultrasensitive?”
Drugstore clerk: “Two of them have the lambskins and the blonde has the ultrasensitive, in black.”

Sassy Sophia
Blanche: “You don't remember what happened last Valentine's Day?”
Sophia: “Please. I'm 82. Be thankful I remember not to wear my underwear outside of my dress. Most of the time.”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Oh, I could just scratch your eyes out. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. Drop dead!”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Dorothy: “Blanche, Steve called and canceled your date, didn't he?”
Blanche: “Yes.”
Rose: “How did you know that, Dorothy?”
Dorothy: “I'm clairvoyant, Rose.”
Rose: “You're so lucky. I get into a pool, I sink like a stone.”

Literary Intelligentsia
Dorothy: “OK, we have the suntan lotion, Chap Stick, and half a dozen cheap, tawdry romance novels.”

The Boob Tube
Dorothy: “Ma, I bet you were in on this all along, weren't you?”
Sophia: “Of course I was. These dimwits' idea of romance is a Coors Light and a Love Boat rerun.”

Golden Quotes
Blanche: “All right, then I say we just cast caution to the wind, get butt naked and have a good time.”
Dorothy: “If I had a dollar for every time you said that, I'd be a wealthy woman.”
Dorothy: “Condoms, Rose! Condoms, condoms, condoms!”
Drugstore clerk: “Calm down, lady. You just get outta prison?”

I’m pretty sure Julio Iglesias gives the worst performance as himself as I’ve ever seen seen on this or any show. They must have had him for literally five minutes because he can’t even keep a straight face during his appearance. You can even hear the sounds of cameras going off as if he’s walking down a red carpet. Geesh. I imagine the network spent lots of money promoting his brief appearance. It’s a ratings-grabbing, disgusting bit of celebrity ga-ga that almost sours the episode, though it’s glorious 80s ridiculousness for sure. But I digress. Another episode, another one full of delightful vignettes. This time all related to Valentine’s Day. (To this day, I still get upset that they never did a Halloween-themed episode). The vignettes range from merely ok, so flat-out classic. And you know exactly what I’m talking about. The less said about the first story told by Sophia the better. She says she witnesses a St. Valentine’s Day massacre while traveling with her husband and father through Chicago. It would probably be better left as a monologue rather than a full scene, but I digress. Let’s get to the real meat and potatoes of the episode so-to-speak. The second vignette is the one where they accidently book a stay at a nudist camp. This is a classic GG sequence filled with hilarious, innuendo-filled dialogue and delightfully awkward twist. The third vignette yet again displays the progressiveness of the show, even if it ultimately sort of treats the situation as a joke. Blanche helps a young man propose to what she assumes is his girlfriend. But some things do change, though, “Love is love. Period.” And finally we have another outright top-notch, all-time favorite GG scene in which the girls are embarrassed buying condoms at the drugstore. There’s nothing that hasn’t already been said about this brilliant, hilarious sequence, except that I always end up craving a Nestlé’s Crunch after it. GRADE: A

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Love Me Tender S4E14

Synopsis: Dorothy begins a physical relationship with a strange man Sophia set her up with; Rose and Blanche help out with the “Be a Pal” program and get set up with two teenage hellraisers.

80s Flashback
Rose: “Now, is there anything special you girls feel like doing today?”
Jackie: “Would it be asking too much to see a movie?”
Rose: “Oh, no. We can go see Oliver & Company or Roger Rabbit.”
Jackie: “Or Tequila Sunrise. I hear Mel Gibson takes his shirt off a lot.”
Blanche: “You know, Jackie, I think you and I are gonna get along just fine.”

Dorothy: “I can't believe you did that.”
Blanche: “Don't worry. That check was written on our vacation account that we closed last week. The bank would sooner cash a check from Jim and Tammy Bakker.”

Let’s Get Political
Blanche: “Eddie's a love machine??”
Rose: “I'm sorry, Dorothy. I held out as long as I could. She said she'd tickle me.”
Dorothy: “You're a regular Nelson Mandela, Rose.”

Lewd Ladies
Dorothy: “Honey, there is more to Eddie than meets the eye. But the only thing we have in common is under the sheets.”
Rose: “What's under the sheets?”
Dorothy: “His cappuccino maker. Sex, Rose. I am talking sex. We don't go to dinner, we don't go to the movies, we just go to bed and it is terrific.”
Rose: “All that and cappuccino too?”

Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: “Dorothy Zbornak, are you just getting in?”
Dorothy: “No, Blanche. I got up early and went jogging in a park with a really strict dress code.”

Insult Watch
Dorothy: “Oh, by the way, Blanche, I borrowed your gold earrings, if that's OK?”
Blanche: “Oh, it's fine, but I do think I should caution you - they were meant for petite ears.”
Dorothy: “They'll just have to do until Disney unveils their Dumbo line.”

Product Placement
Blanche: “What's that cologne you're wearing?
Eddie: “I'm not wearing cologne.”
Blanche: “That's impossible. It smells kind of like a mixture of Old Spice and musk and-”
Eddie: “And a porterhouse steak?”
Blanche: “Yes.”
Eddie: “That's me. The smell really gets intense when I sweat.”

Sassy Sophia
Dorothy: “Look, Ma, I am a grown woman and I have needs.”
Sophia: “Needs? You need food. You need air. You need a better wrinkle cream. You don't need sport nookie.”

Back in St. Olaf
Blanche: “I guess it's just like that old saying you know: opposites attract.”
Rose: “Oh that's very true. Back in St. Olaf Ollie Canudenspringle and his wife Bridget were opposites in every way. I mean, he was fat, she was thin. He was neat, she was sloppy. He was tall, she was short. He was cheap, she was extravagant. He was--”
Sophias: “Opposites! We get the picture.”
Rose: “Well anyway, I'll never forget the time they sang at our annual talent show, right after the herring juggling act.”
Blanche: “You mean to tell me that somebody actually juggled herring?”
Rose: “No. It was the herring who did the juggling. Tiny little Ginsu knives. Really very dangerous. I mean, one false move, they could have filleted themselves.”
Sophia: “I hate you.”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Now that's very interesting. Maybe I could get involved with that.”
Dorothy: “You, Blanche?
Blanche: “Sure. Why, nothing would be more satisfying than to be of loving service to a lonely, motherless child. Of course, I'll have to see pictures of the father before I commit.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Dorothy: “I was hoping you'd be my date, Rose.”
Rose: “Oh gee, I'm busy tonight. But maybe you could try me again next week.”
Blanche: “What's in the box, Rose?”
Rose: “Oh brochures for the "Be a Pal" program. I'm mailing them out.”
Dorothy: “How does that work?”
Rose: “Well, you just put 'em in an envelope and you stick a stamp on them.”
Dorothy: “Not that, you idiot!”

Eddie: “You see, after 25 years of marriage, my wife Roberta sent me a Dear John letter.”
Rose: “That's terrible. Married 25 years and she doesn't know your name is Eddie?”

Literary Intelligentsia
Blanche: “You know, there's something rotten in the state of Denmark.”
Rose: “It's their cheese. They refuse to use preservatives.”

Reel References
Dorothy: “Ma, I cannot believe you sent my picture in to a total stranger.”
Sophia: “I didn't send in your picture, I sent the picture that came with my wallet.”
Dorothy: “Ma, I am furious with you.”
Sophia: “Think how mad your date's gonna be when he finds out he's not going out with Janet Gaynor.”

Golden Quotes
Sophia: “What's the number of the police station?”
Rose: “Is anything wrong Sophia?”
Sophia: “Nah, I just wanna find out where I can buy the best donuts. Of course something is wrong!”


Sophia: “Listen, pussycat, it's been a long time since you've been out on a date. And it's quite possible you can no longer judge a good one from a bad one. So let me be of help. Bad date, Dorothy. Bad, bad date.”


Blanche: “Well, just let me freshen my makeup. Girls, why don't you come with me and I'll show you how I transform myself into a fresh-faced, innocent, young thing?”
Rose: “Could you skip the 'innocent' part, Blanche? The show starts in two hours.”


Blanche: “I don't look right in American clothes. I have a more European body.”
Rose: “Oh, in Europe, do they all have big butts too?”


Dorothy: “You're right. You're right. I'm gonna get rid of him just the way Paul Bennington got rid of me. The way Steve Mendlebaum got rid of me. The way Tom-”
Rose: “We'll be here all afternoon. Can you just open the door?”

I've always wondered if the little jerks Marla and Jackie purposely wanted to get Rose and Blanche in trouble for shoplifting or if they gave them the stolen merchandise in hopes they'd somehow be able to get it out of the store without being noticed. Either way they're both a couple of bitches right? But I digress. Who doesn't absolutely love this episode? There are so many great classic moments here it's hard to keep track. Dorothy's sultry pose and line reading of “Hello” is priceless. As is Sophia literally jumping onto Eddie; it's one of the most surprising and top-notch physical bits of comedy in the entire series. And the lines, oh the lines! We get Dorothy zingers up the wazoo (the best being the cappuccino one of course). Rose and Blanche's story line with those little twats doesn't really crossover but it provides it's fair share of great moments as well. Though I'm pretty sure Blanche is the one who'd get in trouble for writing a check from a closed account. GRADE: A

Thursday, June 22, 2017

The Impotence of Being Ernest S4E13

Synopsis: Rose dates a man who's impotent; Sophia gets an ominous letter from Sicily.

80s Flashback
Blanche: “Well, he's perfect. He's absolutely perfect. I cannot believe a man like that would be interested in Rose.”
Dorothy: “Well, I guess he's not perfect after all.”
Blanche: “That's right, Dorothy. Thank you. I feel so much better.”
Dorothy: “We're living with Robin Givens.”

Let’s Get Political
Dorothy: “I remember when Stanley and I were going through this. We tried everything. Relaxation techniques, hypnosis. I fed the man so many oysters, when he passed a kidney stone I had it appraised. I mean this went on for two years before he found a cure.”
Rose: “What was it?”
Dorothy: “A blonde stewardess with a butt that would have made Gandhi throw in the towel.”

That’s What She Said
Rose: “Boy, there is nothing more frustrating than waiting for one of these suckers to rise and it just won't.”

Lewd Ladies
Blanche: “What have you all been doing all this time? How long can you make conversation?”
Dorothy: “Blanche, there is more to conversation than just, 'Can I have a hanger for my pants, please?'”

Zbornak Zingers
Dorothy: “Don't play dumb, with me, Ma. Everything from Sicily means something. A black rose means a family member is dying. A white carnation means a newborn is on the way. A dead rabbit means, 'My husband knows. Get out of town.'”
Rose: “Knows what?”
Dorothy: “The score to South Pacific, Rose.”

Insult Watch
Blanche: “Rose, just tell Ernie that sex is not the most important part of a relationship. Just ask anybody married to an Englishman.”

Product Placement
Dorothy: “Blanche, I'm sure it's a fluke that nobody called you for a date.”
Sophia: “They must have painted the men's room walls at the Pizza Hut.”

Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “While I was giving Sonny the evil eye, I noticed he was kinda cute. So, I decided to work in a little kiss of death too. Well, that livened him up, and we spent a very pleasant afternoon.”
Dorothy: “Ma, you are incredible.”
Sophia: “Those were Sonny's words exactly.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Blanche: “Impotent? Are you sure??”
Dorothy: “Oh Blanche, what would you have done? Asked him to prove it?”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “I don't think I've had this much fun since I was a little girl back in St. Olaf. I remember once when I was about ten.”
Ernie: “You were about to tell a story. Why did you stop?”
Rose “Well, this is usually when Dorothy and Blanche interrupt me. Anyway, I'd always go to the movies every Saturday afternoon with all my friends. Oh, we'd have a ball. Of course the only problem was that our town theater was designed for silent movies.”
Ernie: “They never put in a sound system?”
Rose: “No. Luckily, our schoolteacher, Miss Sigerson, was an expert lipreader. She'd do all the dialogue. There were some problems sometimes. Through most of Citizen Kane, we all thought everybody was looking for a rowboat.”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “If you don't want to wait, there are other avenues you can take. Well there are just dozens of ways to seduce a man, hundreds, maybe even thousands!”
Dorothy: “I think that you should forget the ones that involve swinging naked from a door frame.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Blanche: “Honey, it's as easy as riding a bicycle.”
Rose: “I never learned how to ride a bicycle.”
Dorothy: “It's as easy as falling off a bicycle.”
Rose: “Really?? Well that is easy. Thanks, Dorothy.”

Reel References
Ernie: “It's not easy for a man to say, Rose. I'm impotent.”
Rose: “I see. Well, in that case, why don't we see what's playing at the movies?”

The Boob Tube
Blanche: “Well, Rose has a date and I don't. What are the odds of something like this happening? There's probably a better chance of getting struck by lightning in a house you won from Ed McMahon.”

Golden Quotes
Blanche: “Honey, sometimes you have to stoke a man's fire a little bit.”
Sophia: “Words of wisdom from the human torch.”


Rose: “Were you three listening to our conversation?”
Dorothy: “Absolutely not. You know we would never eavesdrop.”
Sophia: “They made me do it. When I turn my hearing aid up to ten, I can hear a canary break wind in Lauderdale.”


Blanche: “Well, sex therapy is one solution, but there are other ways.”
Dorothy: “Oh Blanche, dessert toppings are not the answer.”

and of course:

Ernie: “What is sex, after all?”
Rose: “Two clunky old bodies thrashing around against each other. Like animals.”
Ernie: “You get all sweaty and flushed.”
Rose: “Your hair gets mussed.”
Ernie: “You lose your breath.”
Rose: “You lose your earring.”
Ernie: “Your mouth waters.”
Rose: “Your nose runs.”
Ernie: “Your heart races.”
Rose: “Your blood races.”
Ernie: “Rose-”
Rose: “Say it, Ernie.”
Ernie: “It's time, Rose!”
Rose: “Check! Please!”


This is one of those middle of the road episodes. Now, there are some really great lines here and the storyline about Rose dating an impotent man obviously lends itself to risque, naughty dialogue which there is no shortage of. However, there's something just sort of vanilla about this episode. It's sort of unremarkable, like Ernie himself. It doesn't help that Sophia's B story about the vendetta is forgettable and doesn't provide many laughs. Of course, the episode still has plenty of good moments and strong dialogue. Though no fan is running down the street proclaiming this as their favorite episode. I will say that I’m pretty certain, had this show been around in the late 90s, there would have been Viagra jokes up the wazoo.  GRADE: B

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Blind Date S4E12

Synopsis: Blanche woos a man at a bar and doesn't realize he's blind. Meanwhile, Dorothy reluctantly helps notoriously competitive Rose coach a pee wee football team.

Crazy Continuity
Sophia mentions dwarf actor Billy Barty who comically showed up in Rose's dream sequence in “A Little Romance” as a miniature form of her father.

Let’s Get Political
Blanche: “Oh, all right, all right, maybe he's not perfect, but I happen to be in a little dating slump right now. And I'm just happier having a man who isn't perfect than looking around for one who is.”
Dorothy: “That's what Bush told everyone when he was choosing a vice president.”

That’s What She Said
Sophia: “Now eat this.”

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Sophia: “Make way for the victors!”
Rose: “You won the big game??”
Sophia: “No Rose, we lost. And we all changed our names to Victor.”

Lewd Ladies
Blanche: “I know it's a little quick, but when Blanche Devereaux wants a man, she does not stand on ceremony.”
Sophia: “Or the floor.”

Insult Watch
Dorothy: “I think I caught something practicing out in the rain.”
Rose: “So did I. Gee, I hope none of the boys caught it.”
Sophia: “Don't worry about it. Those boys can't catch anything. I've seen them practice.”

Sophia: “You're a lucky woman, Blanche. Your guy John is just the type I always figured was perfect for my Dorothy.”
Rose: “Oh, he sure is. He's smart, he's sophisticated...”
Sophia: “I was talking blind.”

Product Placement
Dorothy: “Ma, why are you so cranky today?”
Sophia: “I'm not cranky. I'm gassy. I had one of those Weight Watchers broccoli au gratins for lunch. Boy, that stuff's murder. I'm surprised Lynn Redgrave has a friend in the world.”

Sassy Sophia
Blanche: “Girls, quick. I need some advice.”
Sophia: “Wear half as much makeup and twice as much underwear.”

Best of B.E.D.
Dorothy: “Ugh, feels like we spent the whole day in bed.”
Blanche: “You say that like it's a bad thing.”

Reel References
Rose: “If Billy doesn't play, the team can't win.”
Dorothy: “Rose, rules were made for people like Billy. Little bodies don't like it when big bodies fall on them.”
Sophia: “Which is why Raymond Burr never married.”

Sophia: “Forfeit?? You mean quit? You can't do that, Rose. No member of my family ever quits.”
Rose: “Sophia, I'm not a member of your family.”
Sophia: “Pretend, Rose. I'm going for a moment here. You never saw a Frank Capra film?”

The Boob Tube
Sophia: “Boy, am I steamed! They took Pat Sajak off Wheel of Fortune.”
Dorothy: “Well, that's because he has his own late-night talk show now. Oh, yeah, right. The man spins a big wooden wheel for eight years, suddenly he's discussing détente with Henry Kissinger. What else happened lately? Mike Tyson hosting Masterpiece Theatre?”

Golden Quotes
Rose: “Oh, with your help, Dorothy, we'll kick their butts. We'll chew 'em up and spit 'em out. We'll make 'em eat dirt for breakfast! Because breakfast is the most important meal of the day.”


Rose: “Now, the tight end decoys, so it looks like we're running a draw play, and then he slips into a soft spot in the zone over the middle, the flanker fakes a screen then runs a reverse behind the halfback, which gives the quarterback two options--
Dorothy: “For God's sake Rose! Eisenhower used less chalk planning D-day!”


Blanche: “By the way, I have never asked you what it is y'all have.”
Rose: “Oh, we're not sure. All we know is it makes your skin blotchy, and your eyes puffy, and your cheeks swollen. And you get heart palpitations.”
Blanche: “Oh good thing for those palpitations, otherwise you might never have known you even had it.”

Can someone explain to me how a football team, even if they are 10-year-olds, are supposed to practice playing football in their coaches living room? And how exactly does Sophia, a woman we know doesn't have a valid drivers license take the kids to and from their football game? But I digress. I really like this episode. It has a bit of the sappy “special episode” quality to it in that they focus on the challenges of dating someone who is “different” or “disabled.” And what a delicious concept to have Blanche, a character who always depends on her good looks, date a man who can't even see her. They don't go overly sappy like they tend to do and the episode is nicely balanced with an unrelated B story about Rose coaching a pee wee football team. We know how competitive Rose can be (see “The Competition” for proof) and she gets some great lines here (“But if she loses I'll punch her stinking heart out!”). And now that I think of it.. how did John Quinn get to Blanche's house? Maybe Lily gave him a ride. GRADE: A-

Friday, June 16, 2017

The Auction S4E11

Synopsis: Never ones to shy away from a get rich quick scheme, the girls, needing money to repair the roof, conspire to buy a painting from a disgruntled artist who’s dying.

80s Flashback

Rose: “What are you guys doing up?”

Dorothy: “We’re conducting a séance to contact Liberace.”

Let’s Get Political

Dorothy: “Ma, what are you doing in here?”

Sophia: “The searchlights were out so I tunneled out of my room with a spoon. I couldn't sleep so I'm having some tea. If that's OK with you, Prime Minister Botha?”

That’s What She Said

Rose: “It still doesn’t feel right.”

Shady Pines, Ma

Dorothy: “I had a terrible nightmare.”

Sophia: “Was it the recurring dream where you're a lonely old woman and your family doesn't want you so they put you in a home and never come to see you or take you out on holidays?”

Dorothy:  “That wasn't my dream.”

Sophia: “Oh yeah, right. That was my life.”

Dorothy: “Ma, please, for the hundredth time, Shady Pines was a beautiful retirement village.”

Sophia: “Sure, sure. And Attica's known for its topnotch tennis facilities.”

Lewd Ladies

Rose: “Why are these statues always of naked men?”

Blanche: “Oh, you see, Rose, the Greeks and Romans always sculpted men. They admired the beauty of the male form. Its sinewy, muscled hardness, its rippling loins, its chiseled buttocks. My, it's getting hot in here.”

Picture It

Sophia: “Picture it. Sardinia, 1932.”

Blanche: “I thought these stories of yours always took place in Sicily?”

Sophia: “Can't a person go away for the weekend? Anyway, I'm on a tour of the great caper factories of Sardinia. I was a kooky kid going through my piccata period. A wedge of lemon and a smart answer for everything. Anyway, I was, uh, I was slicing an onion when suddenly this big basil tree—

Dorothy: “Ma, what the hell are you talking about? You're not making any sense!”

Sophia: “I was hoping the late hour would help to mask that. I don't have a story about taking advantage of a dead guy for money. I’ve got a great story about a Moroccan and a monkey, but that really comes under the heading of lust.”

Rose: “I'm really confused.”

Sophia: “Look, life is tough. I'm not happy that a fellow human being is passing away, but it's out of our control. If we don't make a few bucks on this deal, somebody else will.”

Zbornak Zingers

Rose: “I couldn't sleep either, but I think it was something I ate before bed.”

Sophia: “What did you eat?”

Rose: “Nothing out of the ordinary. A handful of Snowcaps, a couple of Devil Dogs, some Oreos. Oh yeah, and a Ho Ho chopped up in a bowl of fruit cocktail with heavy syrup.”

Dorothy: “Couldn't sleep? I'm surprised you didn't try to kill the mayor of San Francisco.”

Insult Watch

Sophia: “It's my day to volunteer at the hospital.”

Rose: “Oh Sophia, you know it's really sweet of you to volunteer.”

Sophia: “I like charity work. Besides, I've got my eye on an eligible doctor for Dorothy. I hope he likes charitable work too.”

Product Placement

Blanche: “This is nonrepresentational art. I work in a museum, so I understand these things. You see now, for instance, this slash of color of red across the bottom, well, that represents the setting sun. And this jagged blue line, now, that signifies the ocean. Then this spot of orange up here in the corner, that stands for the planets and man's eternal struggle against nature and the elements.”

Rose: “No, it doesn't Blanche. That's where I put my Creamsicle down this afternoon when I answered the phone. See? It rubs right off.”

Sassy Sophia

Sophia: “I got up in the middle of the night and there was a puddle in my bed. You  don’t know how relieved I was to find out the roof was leaking.”

Back in St. Olaf

Rose: “Oh, I just love a mime. It's all on account of my Uncle Gustav. He was a coal mimer.”

Blanche: “You mean a coal miner.”

Rose: “No, a coal mimer. You see He had a bad back and he didn't wanna lose his medical benefits, so every morning he'd go down the shaft and pretend to work.”

Best of B.E.D.

Dorothy: “Blanche listen, we  really have to talk about the roof.”

Blanche: “Dorothy, I already called the repairman. Last night the damn ceiling caved in on my bedroom. Knocked the Zorro mask right out of poor Ed Rosen's hand.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose

Blanche: “Oh girls, listen to me, when a famous artist like Jasper DeKimmel dies, the value of his work doubles sometimes, even triples. You know what that means?”

Rose: “Sure. It means if he dies, those crummy pictures of his will be worth a fortune. He'll have more money than he'll know what to do with.”

Dorothy: “You almost got it, Rose.”

The Boob Tube

Blanche: “Oh, Sid! Well, can't you patch it up or something?”

Sid: “Well yeah, I could patch it up, but that won't stop more leaks when it rains again.”

Rose: “What are you trying to say, Sid?”

Side: “You couldn't follow that?”

Dorothy:  “She has trouble following Murder, She Wrote.”

Golden Quotes

Blanche: “You cannot replace this towel, there are too many fond memories attached to this towel.”

Dorothy: “Blanche please. I am in no mood to hear about the parade of endless sexual encounters that you have experienced up and down the Florida coastline, with only this towel between your hot flesh and the cold, wet sand!”

Blanche: “I brought my son Skippy home from the hospital in this towel, Dorothy.”

Dorothy: “You're lying, Blanche.”

Blanche: “Damn, you're good!”


Dorothy: “You are nothing if not consistent, Rose.”

Rose: “Thank you, Dorothy, but hot water and oat bran every morning takes most of the credit.”


Auctioneer: “Next we have ‘Community Property’ by Jasper DeKimmel. A small piece, but one which will be worth many times its current value someday.”

Rose: “Like tomorrow.”

Dorothy:  “Keeping a secret just isn't your strong suit, is it Rose?”


This is another brilliant episode in a somewhat solid if a bit uneven season. The girls love them some money and this episode proves it. This time, they need money for a roof that has caved in all over Blanche’s bedroom. I’d loved to have seen that. Also, is it just me, or is Blanche Devereaux literally the WORST landlord on the planet? What landlord makes her tenants pay for repairs on a house they don’t even own? Though I hear she’s no match for the Big Mean Bug Lady. But I digress. While attending an art show at a museum they come across the nasty artist Jasper DeKimmel, a man who has no business painting pictures of his own genitalia. (“Oh so those aren’t noses.”) And natural once they find out the miserable grump is dying they see a prime opportunity to purchase his art before it jumps up in value after his death. It’s a nasty scheme to go with the nasty artist who inspired it. Yeah it’s a ridiculous plot but it’s simply fascinating to watch these ladies at work. The dialogue here is on point (Dorothy’s line about killing the mayor of San Francisco is one of my all-time favorite Dorothyisms) and the auction scene itself is a brilliant display of great writing and pitch perfect comedic timing. I could really go for a Creamsicle. GRADE: A