An Illegitimate Concern S5E18

Synopsis: A young stranger arrives to break some awkward news to Blanche that involves her late husband; Dorothy and Sophia participate in the Shady Pines Mother-Daughter Beauty Pageant.

Musical Moments

The piano's back! Dorothy and Sophia sing “I Got You Babe” with Rose's piano accompaniment until she gets upset because the song always takes her back to the 60s.

Let’s Get Political

Sophia: “Well, Rose, do I look like the mayor of Palm Springs?”

Rose: “Doug Henning is the mayor of Palm Springs?”

Shady Pines, Ma

Sophia: “Look, pussycat. I found matching dresses we could order for the evening-gown competition.”

Dorothy: “Ma, those are totally inappropriate.”

Sophia: “Don't worry. They come with matching panties. For when we do the cartwheels.”

Dorothy: “Ma, forget it.”

Sophia: “Oh, come on. Mine are gonna say ‘Hello’ and yours are gonna say ‘America.’”

Dorothy: “Ma, why can't we wear something simple in basic black?”

Sophia: “It's a bad idea, Dorothy. You wear black at Shady Pines and they'll stop the show for a head count.”

Lewd Ladies

Sophia: “How many challenges do I have left in life? Seeing if I can get halfway across the street before the Don't Walk sign comes on. Trying to stay awake on the john. Hoping it is the john. Competition is the thing that keeps me going. But, if you want me to let it go.”

Dorothy: “All right. All right. All right, Ma, I'll do it.”

Sophia: “You've made me a happy woman. Now, if you want to go the extra mile, I hear one of the judges has a fetish…”

Picture It

Sophia: “I know how you feel. I hate to say it, but Sal almost cheated on me once.”

Dorothy” “Ma. Really?”

Sophia: “I was pregnant with your brother Phil. And just because I put on 40lbs and was crying all the time, your father got the wandering eye.”

Dorothy: “Did you ever find out who it was?”

Sophia: “I never actually met her, but I heard she was a short, scrawny, birdlike thing who never shut up. I guess variety is the spice of life.”

Zbornak Zingers

Rose: “Why does any man cheat?”

Dorothy: “Well, there are two popular theories. One, men are victims of an evolutionary process which genetically programs their sexual habits.”

Blanche: “What's the other theory?”

Dorothy: “Men are scum.”

Insult Watch

Sophia: “This contest is my chance to put that old witch in her place, once and for all. Not only am I a looker, but I have a daughter twice as beautiful as hers.”

Dorothy: “Ma, that's very sweet, but I still—”

Sophia: “And then I thought, ‘Wait. Your sister Gloria is in California. So it's you or nothing.’”

Oh Shut Up, Rose

David: “George Devereaux, your husband, was my father.

Blanche: “Get out.

David: “What?”

Blanche: “Get out of my house. I did not hear what you just said.”

Rose: “Well she didn't hear what he said and she was this upset. Can you imagine if—

Dorothy: “Shut up, Rose!”

Tales from the Old South

Blanche: “Whenever I have something hard to say, I just say it fast. Like back in high school, when I wanted to break up with Carl Dugan, the captain of the football team. Well, I was very nervous. So I just spat it right out. ‘Carl, I'm dumping you for Coach Wilkins.’ Afterwards, I felt much better.”

Product Placement

Rose: “Make way for the winners of the Shady Pines mother-daughter beauty contest!

Dorothy: “Ta-da!”

Blanche: “Oh! You won!”

Dorothy: “No actually, we're just the runners-up. But if the reigning winners for any reason can't fulfill their duties...”

Sophia: “And I'm telling you, the winning mother and daughter are 98 and 77. If either one of them forgets to take a nitroglycerin even once, Dorothy and I are gonna be cutting ribbons at Piggly Wiggly.”

Sassy Sophia

Sophia: “Pussycat, when's the last time I told you you were beautiful?”

Dorothy: “June 1, 1949. At my wedding.”

Sophia: “Oh, well. That's because pregnant women have that special glow.”

Back in St. Olaf

Dorothy: “Oh, now, that is really odd. I mean, if he's selling encyclopedias, why didn't he try to sell us a set?”

Rose: “You know what else is so strange about it? He didn't bring them in.”

Blanche: “Rose. No encyclopedia salesman lugs around 26 volumes door-to-door.”

Rose: “Are you kidding? In St. Olaf they carry 52.”

Blanche: “Why?”

Rose: “Balance.”

Dorothy: “Rose, why don't they just carry 13 in each hand?”

Rose: “Excuse me. I have to make a phone call.”

Rose: “I know what you mean. I should have said no to the Miss St. Olaf beauty pageant. It was 1951. That was the first year they let humans enter too. I was way ahead after the evening-gown and log-rolling competition. People don't realize how hard it is to roll a log when you're wearing an evening gown. And the shocker is I lost out on the intelligence quiz.”

Dorothy: “Quelle surprise!”

Rose: “Don't I know it. They asked me to name the seven dwarves, and I did. But evidently I didn't name the seven they had in mind.”

Best of B.E.D.

Blanche: “I've been going through my diaries. Just listen to this. 'March 3, 1967. George just back from Dallas. Surprised me with the most beautiful diamond earrings. I love him so much it takes my breath away. Ours is a love so pure, so complete, it'll outlast time itself. I'll have the earrings appraised next week.'”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose

David: “I was always told my dad died before I was born. Then I found my birth certificate. And there, listed as my father, was George Devereaux.”

Rose: “Well maybe there was another George Devereaux in Miami…”

David: “This was the address in my mom's old book.”

Rose: “…who also lived in this house!”

Literary Intelligentsia

Rose: “I'm sorry. But this song always takes me back to St. Olaf in the '60s. And the controversial issue that nearly tore the town apart.”

Dorothy: “What, Rose? Vietnam? Civil rights? Campus unrest?”

Rose: “Opposite-side-of-the-street parking. Nobody could understand the concept. I mean it doesn't matter which side of the street you park on, there's always an opposite side.”

Sophia: “What an injustice. Hemingway ran out of stories to tell and shot himself. She just keeps on going.”

The Boob Tube

Blanche: “Oh, how could George betray me this way? Dammit, those wedding vows were sacred to me. Well, they must have been. I turned down hundreds - thousands of offers. Teachers, doctors, astronauts. I even said no to a journalist famous for his work on '60 Minutes.' Now, if that's not fidelity, I don't know what is. Then I find out that the only man I ever loved cheated on me. On me! Oh, I could just die.”

Sophia: “I'll bet it was Morley Safer.”

Reel References

Blanche: “Oh, for goodness' sakes. Why, you two could be celebrity look-alikes.”

Dorothy: “Oh Blanche honey, you really think so?”

Blanche: “Well, absolutely. So, which one's Cheech and which one's Chong?”

Golden Quotes

Blanche: “Oh, I tell you, the boy's in love. Rose, what do you think?”

Rose: “A sex-crazed psycho with a granny complex. Sorry, Blanche. I gotta call 'em as I see 'em.”

Dorothy: “Rose, hand me that newspaper.”

Rose: “No. You’re gonna hit me with it.”

David: “I know this is painful for you, but there's so much I need to know. What did he do for a living? Was he funny? Did he have any hobbies?”

Sophia: “He had at least one.”

Rose: “Blanche, I thought you were in bed.”

Blanche: “Oh I couldn't sleep. It must be from living with old people.”

Sophia: “I'm Sonny Bono you idiot!!”

Dorothy: “Gee, I wonder how many maître d's have heard that line?”

Dorothy: “The big news is we beat Gladys Goldfine. Right, Ma?”

Sophia: “Ah, it was a hollow victory. Time has taken its toll on Gladys. She's not the fierce competitor she once was.”

Dorothy: “You know for the talent section she was supposed to do a medley from The Fantasticks. She started with 'Try To Remember,' and she couldn't.”

Critique:

What better way to celebrate Halloween than with some fantastic Sonny and Cher costumes? After all we all know there were never any Halloween episodes on the GG. “An Illegitimate Concern” is a fantastic Blanche-centric episode that is mostly known as “the one when Dorothy and Sophia sing I Got You Babe as Sonny & Cher.” Blanche's storyline here is pretty heavy. I would assume it would be difficult to deal with an illegitimate child showing up at you door but the saddest part to me is that BLANCHE MISSES THE SHADY PINES MOTHER-DAUGHTER BEAUTY PAGEANT!!! WTF!!! GO BACK TO DALLAS, DAVID!! Phew, glad I got that off my chest. Anyways, even with all the heavy subject matter this is still a pretty hilarious episode with Marc Cherry's always clever dialogue. I still find it odd that Sophia would go back to Shady Pines on purpose but I just went with it. Lastly, who would KILL to see the Shady Pines Circus? Do you think it's just like old people riding on elephants and stuff? Fun Fact: Actor Mark Moses who plays David would later go on to co-star in Marc Cherry's hit ensemble mystery dramedy "Desperate Housewives." GRADE: A

Like the Beep Beep Beep of the Tom Tom S5E17

Synopsis: Blanche has to have pacemaker surgery and then decides to give up sex; Rose is busy testing weight-loss products for work.

90s Flashback
Dorothy: “Hi, Ma. What you doing?”
Sophia: “Thinking.”
Dorothy: “About what?”
Sophia: “About wind, water, rocks. Man's place in the delicate balance of nature's harmony. Where we're going. Where the road ends.”
Dorothy: “Gee, Ma, I never knew you were so philosophical.”
Sophia: “I'm not. It's those damn Infiniti commercials. They're driving me crazy.”

Crazy Continuity
Rose says when she had trouble sleeping she'd count sheep (and Dorothy tells her she doesn't want to hear the story if there are real sheep in the story which there are) but in the Season 3 episode “Brotherly Love” Rose says she can't count sheep because she's allergic to wool.

Musical Moments
Rose: “Over there/Over there/Send the word, send the word over there/That the Yanks are coming/The Yanks are coming--”
Dorothy: “That is the lullaby that your mother sang to you?”
Rose: “Well, it was the only song she knew. During World War I she gave out donuts and coffee to the doughboys before they boarded the trains for Europe. It works, truly. She said no one can be scared when they hear that song, except maybe the Kaiser.”

Let’s Get Political
Sophia: “Dorothy, have you been fooling around with my Tip O'Neill calendar?”
Dorothy: “No, Ma, I haven't.”
Sophia: “Come on! I'm missing March. It's the month where he's playing volleyball with Jesse Helms.”

St. Olaf Vocab
The St. Olaf “I Can't Believe This is Cheese” Diet: You eat nothing but rice

That’s What She Said
Blanche: “If everything's as bad as he thinks it is, he wants to put a pacemaker in me.”
Sophia: “Everybody's got a nickname for it.”

Lewd Ladies
Blanche: “That madman wants to rip me open from stem to stern.”
Sophia: “Your two favorite parts.”

Picture It
Sophia: “Hey, it's never easy to go without. I remember when my mother-in-law came to stay with Sal and me when we were first married. For two months Dorothy your father and I didn't have sex.”
Dorothy: “Why not, Ma?”
Sophia: “She slept in between us. It was a very small place. Have you ever seen an Italian after he's gone without?”
Dorothy: “Hm, no.”
Sophia: “That's because your father was the only one.”
Rose: “Well she finally left, didn't she, Sophia?”
Sophia: “Yeah. I'll never forget that day. Your father stayed home from work. Unfortunately, I couldn't get the day off. I don't know what he did, but he was happy when I got home.”

Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: “I know this sounds crazy, and if it hadn't happened to me, I wouldn't believe it either, but while I was being operated on, I had an out-of-body experience. I was floating, lookin' down at myself. It was like, it was like--”
Dorothy: “Like the mirror on your bedroom ceiling?”

Insult Watch
Dorothy: “Rose, what's that supposed to be?”
Rose: “A flab stimulator. You hook these things to your muscles. They give out an electric charge and help get rid of unwanted fat deposits.”
Sophia: “Does it come in a hat?”

Product Placement
Blanche: “Good morning, ladies. Dorothy, a Popsicle-stick purse for you. Sophia, a Popsicle-stick potpourri box, and for you, Rose, two lovely Popsicle-stick earrings.”
Dorothy: “So, Blanche, how are we enjoying our celibacy?”
Blanche: “Oh, just let me get a Popsicle, I'll be right with you.”

Sassy Sophia
Blanche: “He wants to match the heartbeats that this records to my activities, so, for the next 24 hours, I have to write down everything I do.”
Sophia: “And you're not embarrassed to have him read that smut?”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “Since Charlie was a traveling salesman, sometimes I'd be alone for weeks. I used to have so much trouble sleeping, I tried counting sheep.”
Dorothy: “Rose, if there are real sheep in this story, I do not wanna hear it.”
Rose: “OK.”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “You know, I'm really starting to care about him, and I wouldn't want him worrying about my recording his performance. You know how fragile men's egos are. One little thing like screaming out the wrong name, and they go all to pieces.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Blanche: “I don't know what to expect of myself with this thing in me. I just keep remembering how you're not supposed to overload electrical outlets.”
Rose: “Maybe you just shouldn't make love when you're wet.”

Reel References
Dorothy: “I can't believe it. Blanche has gone without for two weeks. I mean, that's like Raymond Burr saying, 'No gravy!'”

The Boob Tube
Sophia: “Hey, Dorothy, guess who's on Johnny Carson tonight?”
Dorothy: “Who?”
Sophia: “Johnny Carson.”
Dorothy: “Must be the anniversary show.”

Golden Quotes
Rose: “You wouldn't believe the length people go to just to drop a few pounds. I heard about one woman who even had her jaw wired shut.”
Dorothy: “Oh. Is that something that you'll be testing, Rose?”

Rose: “What's wrong with your heart?”
Blanche: “Oh, nothing. Dr. Stein just thought it sounded a little irregular. I think it's 'cause I was so uncomfortable sittin' there topless with a strange man.”
Dorothy: “Next time, just pretend you're at home and he's the bug guy.”

Rose: “Sophia, It's been wonderful watching you take care of Blanche all week.”
Sophia: “I feel like a regular hospital worker.”
Rose: “Ah, that's nice.”
Sophia: “Yeah. I just took all the money and jewelry out of her nightstand.”

Blanche: “The time has come for me to re-evaluate my life, for me to take stock of myself. I just know that there's a part of me that nobody's ever seen.”
Sophia: “I find that hard to believe.”
Blanche: “If a 5,000-year-old Indian shows up, tell him I wanna know more about his people.”

Rose: “Where's Blanche?”
Dorothy: “She's out on a date with Simon. It's her first time out, so who knows when she'll be home.” Sophia: “Checkout time is usually noon.”
Dorothy: “You know, Blanche has been without a date for weeks. I know that because all the pictures on my wall are straight.”

Simon: “I cannot believe how much I've missed this little girl.”
Sophia: “This guy is growing antlers.”

Rose: “Your date is over??”
Blanche: “You sound surprised.”
Dorothy: “Well, it's just that your dates usually end with a little... pillow talk.”
Sophia: “Yeah like, 'What did you say your name was again?'”

Blanche: “I've made a decision. Blanche Devereaux is giving up sex.”
Sophia: “And what does that do to the morale of our boys overseas?”

Blanche: “It was not an easy decision, but it's best that I retire from the sexual arena undefeated. Time I hung up my gloves.”
Rose: “Gloves?? Boy, you do practice safe sex.”

Dorothy: “Ma, I said I was sorry.”
Sophia: “The least you can do when we're gonna see a movie is say it's a foreign film.”
Dorothy: “What is the big deal?”
Sophia: “I had to stand at the front of the screen just to read the subtitles and all that running back and forth to complete a sentence almost killed me.”

Blanche: “Over there/Over there… No, I said over THERE.”

Critique:
This episode is a double-entendre hot zone. Popsicles, growing antlers, pacemakers. It's all here! This truly delightful Blanche-centered episode is a perfect showcase for the great Rue McClanahan. Probably one of her best performances since her Emmy-winning Season 2 opener “End of the Curse.” Blanche is always great when the writers force her to confront real life square in the face. Here she has issues with her heart and thinking a pacemaker is practically an electrical appliance (not unlike the heatin' pad Dorothy was using) she's afraid that too much passion will basically make her heart explode. Sure it's borderline crazy, but you know how Blanche gets. Rose's storyline about testing weight-loss products is a showcase for some fun physical bits including those memorable blow up “vacuum slacks.” How exactly a pair of pants and vacuum clean is aupposed to "inhale the fat from your body" is beyond me. Sounds dangerous. It's utterly silly but a perfect reflection for the sheer hell going on inside the mind of Blanche Devereaux. The dialogue is on point here with line after line of racy one liners. And two words: Over. There. I have no complaints about this one. GRADE: A

Clinton Avenue Memoirs S5E16

Synopsis: Sophia and Dorothy travel to Brooklyn to help revive Sophia’s fading memory; meanwhile Blanche moonlights for Rose.

90s Flashback

Dorothy: “Oh, dammit. I hate watching what this is doing to her.”

Blanche: “I hate watching what it's doing to you.”

Rose: “I hate watching those FBI warnings at the beginning of video rentals.”

Crazy Continuity

Sophia: “I don't remember half these photos. I don't remember Brooklyn. I don't even remember you going off to your senior prom.”

Dorothy: “Ma, I never went to my senior prom.”

Sophia: “Actually, I did remember that, but why should I be the only one here to feel like crap?”

Here we are with more prom night continuity craziness. One time Dorothy went to the prom with her brother in her tennis whites, and another time she when to the prom with Stan and then got pregnant, and here she didn’t even go to the prom. Make up your mind, writers!

Let’s Get Political

Dorothy: “He said that Ma's memory problem could be related to a nutritional imbalance, so he put her on a special diet, and if she follows it, she'll be fine from here on out.”

Sophia: “Oh, lucky me, I can remember from now on. My whole past is gone! I could have slept with JFK and don't even know it!”

Dorothy: “Ma, I don't think so. You're not mentioned in any of the books.”

Blanche: “Well, that doesn't necessarily mean anything.”

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley

Sal: “Now I know you think Phil here's taken your place. Well, I wanna tell you something. I love you more than anything.”

Young Dorothy: “Even more than the Dodgers on five-cent beer night?

Sal: “OK, even more than that.”

That’s What She Said

Sophia: “I insist. All I need is a little more spunk!”

Shady Pines, Ma

Sophia: “Dorothy, can you drive me to the mall Friday night? They're giving free blood pressure tests, and some of the girls and I have a high-low bet.”

Dorothy: “Ma, honey, don't you remember? Friday night we're planning on having dinner at Joe's Stone Crab.”

Sophia: “Oh?”

Dorothy: “Honey, it's your wedding anniversary.”

Sophia: “Oh, yeah, right. Sounds nice.”

Dorothy: “Ma, you didn't forget, did you?”

Sophia: “Oh, forgive me, I forgot something. Maybe you should ship me back to Shady Pines.”

Product Placement

Sophia: “Sal! What the hell are you doing here?”

Sal: “Relax. I'm not really here. I'm just a Fig Newton of your imagination.”

Sassy Sophia

Sophia: “Imagine finding that carving in here! Kitchen, bedroom - I knew it was a room I was good in!”

Back in St. Olaf

Blanche: “I need the professional care of the most talented hairdresser in Miami - Robert. Oh, he's brilliant. Do you know he was the first one ever to use mousse?”

Rose: “I'd check my facts if I were you, Blanche. Mr. Ingrid of St. Olaf has been using moose ever since I can remember. Of course, it's his own professional secret which part of the moose he uses. But it'll keep your hair in place in winds up to a hundred and thirty miles an hour.”

Best of B.E.D.

Blanche: “Oh, hello, sir. I am conducting a phone survey regarding healthcare for the elderly. May I ask your age? That's not so old! And what's your general health? That's good. What would you say is your annual income? Oh, that's very good! Marital status? Oh, I am sorry. How long? Three weeks! I'd say it was time you were getting on with your life, honey.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose

Blanche: “Dorothy, what just happened?”

Rose: “Well, weren't you listening? Sophia came in and asked Dorothy to drive her to the mall for a blood pressure test. And then Dorothy told Sophia that they had a date to go out to dinner Friday night, and then Sophia said-”

Dorothy: “Honey, would you hand me the newspaper?”

Rose: “Oh.”

Dorothy: “No, the Metro section.”

Rose: “-that she and the girls [SMACK] Hey, don't kill the messenger.”

From Feud to Food

Sophia: “I mixed up the rooms, but I remembered. Of course. I thought the carving was in the kitchen. Sal used to hang his salamis in here.”

What Do I Look Like, a Cross-Dresser?

Sophia: “I'm going through the family album. I thought I'd pay your father a visit.”

Dorothy: “Look, here we all are!”

Sophia: “Your sweet sixteen party, right?”

Dorothy: “Right! Oh look at that beautiful chiffon dress.”

Sophia: “Yeah, your brother Phil always did like to make a splash.”

The Boob Tube

Dorothy: “I guess I've just been hoping that things would improve by themselves. You know, I never thought Ma would lose her memory. Of course, I never thought Alan Alda would get on my nerves.”

Reel References

Dorothy: “Ah, look! The Jersey shore, summer 1939.”

Sophia: “Pop sure loved playing with you kids. Why do I look so upset?”

Dorothy: “Oh, Ma, don't you remember? Pop was a big fan of Jean Harlow's back then. You hated it when he made sand breasts in front of the children.”

Golden Quotes

Rose: “How about moonlighting and making some extra money?”

Blanche: “Another job? Rose, I already work my fingers to the bone twelve hours a week at the museum: ‘Picasso on your left, snack bar downstairs.’ It's a wonder I'm not an alcoholic.”

Sophia: “Isn't it good to be back in the old neighborhood, Dorothy? Watching the kids playing stickball on the corner?”

Dorothy: “Ma, they were beating a man. That was sort of why I called the police.”

Sophia: “Ah, they were just having a good time.”

Dorothy: “Now, look, Ma, I don't want you to be disappointed if the new tenants don't let us in.”

Mr. Hernandez: “Buenos di­as.”

Sophia: “Oh, God!”

Sophia: “And that big old window I used to look out of.”

Dorothy: “Oh Ma, I remember when I was a little girl playing out in the street. I can still hear your voice. ‘Dorothy, fix your dress, the whole neighborhood can see your business.’”

Blanche: “Well, all right, just pay me under the table.”

Rose: “Oh, sure! I know that trick. Dorothy's done that to me before. I go under the table and you never show up. No way! “

Dorothy: “Ma, Mr. Hernandez has to go.”

Mr. Hernandez: “I'm meeting the wife and kids. We are going ice-skating.”

Sophia, seeing the carving: “Dorothy! Oh, my God! Can you believe it??”

Mr. Hernandez: “Hey, Puerto Ricans can ice-skate! Jeez!”

Critique:

It’s important to note that while actor Sid Melton, who plays Sophia’s deceased husband Sal, makes his sixth appearance here; it is the first time he appears alongside the “present day” version of Sophia. He appears here in flashback form and in spirit form. This episode is great because even five seasons in the writers were still giving us great character development (and yet they still can’t get Dorothy’s damn prom timeline right, but I digress). I love seeing Dorothy and Sophia reminisce about their past; and they don’t go overly sentimental. The B story involving Blanche working for Rose is really just an excuse to keep those characters around. It’s fine but unrewarding. At least we get to hear Blanche say “Make it out to Hair By Robert!” The episode also features some familiar faces. The girl who plays young Dorothy was in the movie “Ladybugs” and the woman who plays younger Sophia was Gina in “Foreign Exchange”. As in “Buon giorno, I’m-a Gina!” But my question remains, if it’s nice enough to play stickball on the corner, why would the Hernandez family be going ice skating? GRADE: A-

Triple Play S5E15

Synopsis: The girls juggle three storylines: Blanche rents a Mercedes to attract men, Mile's daughter doesn't approve of Rose and Miles' relationship, and Sophia has been hoarding checks from the government that were sent by mistake.

90s Flashback

Sophia: “Have you guys ever heard of Totally Hidden Video? Well underneath this gray wig is comedian Kaye Ballard. Thanks for being on our show.”

Crazy Continuity

Later we find out Miles is in the Witness Relocation Program. So really, who the hell is Caroline??

Let’s Get Political

Dorothy: “Now, just a minute. I have my own problems. I'm dealing with a mother who stole money from the government.”

Sophia: “Come on! It's not like I'm an elected official.”

St. Olaf Vocab

Gerkinflunken – Rose's uncle who was the owner of St. Olaf's most famous haberdashery. He came up with the slogan, 'You don't have to be Amish to look Amish.'

Kerflugenglugen – candied herring. Rose refuses to serve store-bought because she likes to use Red Hots for the eyes

That’s What She Said

Blanche: “You can tell a lot about a man by the way he drives.”

Dorothy: “You know, that's true. Sometimes Stan couldn't even get the key in the ignition.”

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley

Dorothy: “Where'd you get the money?”

Sophia: “Is that what you say to someone who bought you a gift?”

Dorothy: “Ma, I asked you a question.”

Sophia: “I never told you this, Dorothy, but I'm a special friend of Phil Rizzuto.”

Shady Pines, Ma

Dorothy: “Ma, can I see you in the kitchen?”

Sophia: “I've got no secrets from these people.”

Dorothy: “Shady Pines, Ma.”

Sophia: “Right behind you.”

Lewd Ladies

Dorothy: “Ma, why don't you take a moment and think what America has given you?”

Sophia: “Besides this 170 grand? All right. All right, all right, I'll send it back. All of it?”

Dorothy: “Yes, Ma, all of it.”

Sophia: “OK, OK. I just hope they want it back after an 83-year-old woman rolled around in it naked.”

Sassy Sophia

Sophia: “The government is being kinder and gentler by sending me a lot more social security checks than they used to.”

Dorothy: “The computer made a mistake. Ma, that money doesn't belong to you. Now how much are we talking about?”

Sophia: “Enough to have you rubbed out if you rat on me.”

Best of B.E.D.

Blanche: “My first appointment's here, right on time. I've been out there watching him. He's been looking at the car and smiling. I feel just like a fisherman with a new lure.”

Dorothy: “You catch 'em, you clean 'em! Blanche, aren't you embarrassed, going through all this subterfuge just to get a man?”

Blanche: “A man? I'm planning on getting a six-month supply!”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose

Rose: “Your father tells me you're a classical musician. What do you play?”

Caroline: “The English horn.”

Rose: “I didn't know horns had nationalities. But I guess it makes sense, if jumping beans can be Mexican and fire drills can be Chinese and flies can be Spanish!”

Literary Intelligentsia

Miles: “We saw a marvelous production of The Glass Menagerie.”

Dorothy: “Oh that is one of my favorite plays.”

Rose: “Frankly, I was a little disappointed.”

Miles: “Really?”

Rose: “Yeah. When you told me you were taking me to a revival of Tennessee Williams, I was expecting something more along the lines of a seance.”

Reel References

Dorothy: “Morning, Ma. You sleep well?”

Sophia: “No. I had that recurring nightmare – you know the one where I'm in bed with Warren Beatty and he says, 'Sorry, this is too sick even for me.'”

The Boob Tube

Miles: “Rose, I have never met anyone like you.”

Sophia: “Check the cornfield on Hee Haw.”

Golden Quotes

Blanche: “Don't worry about it honey. Men will be over, but they'll be in and out all day.”

Dorothy: “Don't say it, Ma.”

Sophia: “I have to Dorothy. At my age, when you don't say it, it can back up on you and come out some other way.”

James: “How much mileage has she got on her?”

Dorothy: “Let's just say she's been around the block.”

James: “...I can't believe anything that beautiful is so cheap.”

Sophia: “I'm cramping up!”

Dorothy: “Blanche will be here any minute she's out on a test drive.”
Thomas: “Oh, Blanche said I was gonna be the first.”
Sophia: “She's been using that line for 40 years.”

Rose: “Who wants birthday cake?”

Caroline: “What's in it?”

Rose: “It's a secret. And in some countries, a vaccine.”

Blanche: “Boy, Mother Devereaux was dead set against me marrying George. She wanted her little boy to marry a virgin.”

Rose: “How did she know you weren't?”

Sophia: “Maybe it was all those 'Honk if you've had Blanche' bumper stickers.”

Blanche: “Caroline, you think your daddy has become involved too soon after your poor mother's demise, but, honey, a year is more than respectable. Why, I've had men call me when their wives were in intensive care.”

Dorothy: “Gentlemen, please! You don't seem to understand what I'm trying to tell you - the car is not for sale!”

James: “Why not?”

Sophia: “It's.. haunted.”

James “What?”

Sophia: “The car is haunted. I should know, I rode in it.”

Thomas: “You look OK.”

Sophia: “I'm 27 years old.”

Critique:

Ok before I get into it. What exactly is the vaccine that's in Rose's birthday cake? Discuss amongst yourselves, I'll wait. Rabies. It's definitely rabies. But I digress. Holy cow I think this one of the most underrated episodes. It's not particularly memorable. Because they don't go on a game show or go to a murder mystery weekend. But it has really snappy dialogue and truly hilarious moments. Most people remember it for being the one where Miles' daughter is a bitch. Which is true of course, but also remember that soon we'll find out that Miles in the Witness Relocation Program and my theory is that Caroline is just an actor. There's a reason she wants Rose to stay away from Miles after all. Anyways. These storylines are great. OF COURSE Blanche would rent a Mercedes just to attract eligible men. There are so many great automotive/sexual double entendres it's hard to keep track. I'd like to know how Blanche got away with falsely reporting her Mercedes stolen. Probably the same thing that happened to Dorothy when she reported her best piece of crystal stolen in “One For the Money.” Sophia even gets in on the fun as she's been hoarding money from the government. She also says she rolled around in it naked. There's a little part of me that kind of wants to see that. Actually nevermind, that's too sick even for me. GRADE: A-