Friday, July 26, 2019

Room 7 S7E11

Synopsis: The girls travel to Blanche’s grammy’s plantation in Atlanta because it’s being demolished; meanwhile, Sophia has a near-death experience.

Musical Moments
Rose: “Let's try it now with Dorothy. Dorothy, Dorothy, bo-borthy/Bonana fanna fo-forthy/Fee, fi, mo-morthy-
[Tires Screech]
Dorothy: “Get out, Rose.”

Rose: “Three bottles of beer on the wall/Three bottles of beer/Take one down, pass it around/Two bottles of beer on the wall. Well, I'm off to bed.”
Dorothy: "TWO BOTTLES OF BEER?? Rose, you get all the way to two bottles of beer and you quit?!”
Rose: “Just drives you nuts, doesn't it, Dorothy?

That’s What She Said
Sophia: “Blanche, I wanna be here when the dynamite goes off. I wanna ride the rocket with you.”

Lewd Ladies
Dorothy: “Ma, I still cannot believe what you were doing on the interstate.”
Sophia: “I was living for the day, pussycat.”
Dorothy: “You were mooning a chain gang!”
Sophia: “And did you see the smiles on their faces? They probably hadn't seen a woman in years.”
Dorothy: “I guess not. No, they kept up with us through four warning shots.”

Picture It
Sophia: “Picture it. Heaven. Two days ago. I'm holding onto Sal, telling him I'll never let go, when who shows up... Uh-oh. What is it? What's going on?
Sal: “You're not gonna believe this, Sophia, but God, Sophia. Sophia, God.”
Sophia: “Wow, now I see where Jesus got those eyes..”
Sal: “God says it's not your time yet. You gotta go back, Sophia.”
Sophia: “But I wanna be with you. I don't wanna go back.”
Sal: “He pretty much gets his way in these things. Besides, someone's got to take care of little spumoni-face.
Sophia: “Who?”
Sal: “Dorothy. When I worked late, I'd come home, we had our little secret ice cream club, and that was the nickname I gave her.”
Sophia: “And what was her nickname for you?”
Sal: “Favorite parent.”

Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: “Oh, Dorothy, I just talked to somebody back home, and they are doin' the most horrible thing. They are tearin' down the most important building in Blanche Devereaux's family history.”
Dorothy: “Oh my God, they're tearing down Mattress World.”
Blanche: “Even worse than that. They are tearin' down the place where I spent my happiest moments as a child.”
Dorothy: “Oh, I'm sorry, Blanche. They're tearing down Boys Town.”

Insult Watch
Blanche: “Dorothy, they are tearin' down Grammy Hollingsworth's plantation. That beautiful old place is gonna be gone forever. I used to spend my summers there, and Christmas vacations. And whenever there was a fight in the house between Big Daddy and Big Mommy...”
Dorothy: “Big Mommy. Gee, I don't think I ever knew her name before.”
Blanche: “Dorothy, I just don't believe you. When you were a child, didn't you have some beautiful, fantastic place where you'd go, and it would seem just like a fairyland? Oh, that's right. You grew up in Brooklyn.”

Blanche: “The family had to sell Grand View, and it got turned into an old bed and breakfast. But at least I could visit.”
Sophia: “And have breakfast.”
Blanche: “Thank you, Sophia.”
Sophia: “Pancakes, by the looks of it.”
Blanche: “Thank you, Sophia.”

Tales from the Old South
Blanche: “I cannot tell you how many Christmases I spent in this place. Grammy's butler would bring us our eggnog by the hearth, and Grammy and I would sing carols and put out gingerbread men for St.
Nick. And, oh, and over there would be Grandpappy, drinkin' out of his jug with the X's on it, and wearin' his Santa's beard, and just screamin' at the lawn jockey to do him a little dance. Oh Rose, hold me.”

Blanche: “And my balcony. Oh, I remember as a girl of 10, I used to wander out here, and all the little boys from all around would come and serenade me: I see London, I see France I see Blanche's underpants. Rose, hold me.”
Rose: “Oh, honey.”
Dorothy: “Oh, Blanche, please. Now, honey, I know it's hard, but we've been here over an hour. And you've shown us the balcony, you've shown us the wind chimes, you've shown us the seven places you lost your virginity.”

Product Placement
Sophia: “After yesterday, I decided to take the time and stop and smell the roses.”
Dorothy: “Ah, that's nice, Ma.”
Sophia: “And you know where they have great roses? At the dog track in Lauderdale. By the way, your Bonneville shakes when you go over 65.”

Sassy Sophia
Dorothy: “Ma, are you okay?”
Sophia: “What happened?”
Dorothy: “Oh, Ma, you were choking. You passed out. Rose saved your life.”
Sophia: “But I was in heaven and with your father. I didn't wanna come back. Thanks for nothing, ya nitwit.”

Best of B.E.D.
Dorothy: “How long do you think you can stay handcuffed?”
Blanche: “My personal best is 32 hours. But of course then I had somebody to play with.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Dorothy: “Honey, you know we'd go with you if it would help, but by tomorrow, Grand View will be gone. And we'd have to drive all night and stop at a motel, and we all know how you hate to drive.”
Blanche: “Well, I found a way around that.”
Rose: “Hey, Blanche, I figured out this treasure map. It's buried somewhere outside Atlanta.”
Blanche: “Let's roll.”

From Feud to Food
Sophia: “Excuse me, sir, but I died yesterday, and it occurs to me I never experienced Southern food. So send a possum to Room 7. And, uh, tell my daughter it's chicken.”

Dorothy: “Blanche, this is ridiculous. You can't stay here all night. You're gonna have to eat sometime.”
Blanche: “Oh this is where you don't know me, Dorothy. I can go for days without food, if that's what it takes.”
Rose: “Oh come on Blanche. You've been known to debone a chicken from across the room.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Blanche: “Dorothy, they're gonna build a cheap motel here.”
Dorothy: “You'll be back.”

Reel References
Sophia: “Oh, Sal, is that you? Could it possibly be you? Oh, Sal, please prove to me it's you.”
Sal: “You dirty rat. You killed my brother.”
Sophia: “Oh Sal, it is you! You always did such a great Cagney.”

Golden Quotes
Angel: “Sophia. Welcome to heaven.”
Sophia: “I'm in heaven?”
Angel: “That's right.”
Sophia: “Heaven heaven? I went straight to heaven? No stops? No purgatory?”
Angel: “Purgatory? [laughs] Oh, you Catholics!”

Dorothy: “Oh poor, Blanche. You know, I I actually do feel sorry for her.”
Rose: “Oh yeah, my heart goes out to her, too.”
“Hello, did I mention I died?”

Sophia: “Pussycat, what's that on your blouse? See? I laugh in the face of death.”
Dorothy: “Ma, stop it. I don't want to hear about this dream that is making you act reckless. The doctor says it was a lack of oxygen that made you hallucinate.”
Sophia: “All right, I won't tell you what your father said. I won't say another word.
[Dorothy opens the fridge] The light! The light! I'm coming to you, Salie!”

Demolition guy: “We're gonna blow this place up in two hours. I get to push the plunger, 'cause it's my birthday.”
Rose: “Well, happy birthday!”

Blanche: “My Grammy, she's in this room.”
Sophia: “Hey, man, cool.”
Dorothy: “Oh, Blanche, come on. You only think she's here. You and Grammy spent a lot of time here, and the memories are so alive. Of course you can, you can almost feel her here. Right, Rose?”
Rose: “Well, she's not under the bed...”
Blanche: “Dorothy, I know it sounds odd, but this is the room where Grammy and I used to have all of our heart-to-hearts. I would snuggle up in one of her homemade afghans, and whatever problems I had in life, she would make right. And then after she died, she started coming to me here, and the talks didn't stop.”
Rose: “And she's not in the closet...”

Dorothy: “Blanche, this is your Grammy. Y'all get yourself out of here, you dumb peckerwood!”
Rose: “Oh, I heard it that time, too. Feets, don't fail me now!”
Blanche: “How dare you mock my Grammy!”

Dorothy: “Ma? Ma, what the hell are you doing on the roof!?”
Sophia: “Living for the day, pussycat. I never jumped into a haystack before.”
Dorothy: “Ma!”
Sophia: “Geronimo!”
Blanche: “My God! Dorothy, is she okay??”
Dorothy: “Yeah, I think so. Rose broke her fall.”
Dorothy: “Rose, are you okay?”
Rose: “Charlie? Charlie, is that you?”
Dorothy: “Great, another one who hears voices.”

Dorothy, trying to convince Blanche to come downstairs: “You're right, Blanche, these naked Southern guys sure can dance!”

Rose: ““Hey, Dorothy, have you seen this yet?”
Dorothy: “B.H.? B.H. Blanche Hollingsworth. Oh, Blanche must have written this when she was a little girl. Can you imagine Blanche as a little girl, running and skipping all through this house, so carefree? I can almost hear her laughing. You know, I, I can almost feel her spirit here. And if I can feel her spirit here, then why is it so ridiculous that Blanche feels the spirit of her grandma upstairs? And is it such a leap of faith to believe that Ma was in the white light? Why am I making it such a crusade not to believe either one of them? What am I, just an ostrich with its head in the ground? A narrow-minded ostrich, who, who only believes what she can see and feel and touch? Oh Rose. Simple Rose. Rose, you are so wise.”
Rose: “Actually, I spoke with the demolitions guy. B.H. stands for ‘Blast Here.’”

Sophia: “What do you say we throw a sheet over our heads and go scare Rose?”
Dorothy: “Right!”

Blanche: “Good night, Grammy. [sounds of wind chime] It's time to sleep, honey. Some of us are still alive and need our beauty sleep. Be quiet, Grammy! [wind chime stops] Peckerwood??”

First of all, I wanna see the “treasure map” Blanche drew for Rose SO BAD. More importantly, this episode contains arguably the funniest piece of physical comedy in the entire series, (though Rose’s dance marathon body double is probably first actually) which is the sight of Sophia throwing herself off the roof of Grammy’s plantation. Or what appears to be Sophia: it’s obviously a dummy in Sophia cosplay complete with white wig and bamboo purse. And it absolutely HILARIOUS watching that thing fly by Dorothy. Even if it lasts .6 seconds. I’ve probably rewound and watched that shot millions of times and it never gets old. But I digress. This is a fantastic season seven episode that ranks up there as one of the most outlandish but outright funny episodes in the later part of the series. At this point we all know the characters and that’s why so many of these jokes and gags work so well. It’s even a bit touching watching Blanche feel so attached to her Grammy’s plantation. And if I’m being completely honest, I tend to get slightly choked up when Sophia tells Dorothy that her father is proud of her. But let’s get back to the funny parts. These include the sound effect of Dorothy bringing the car to a screeching halt as Rose obnoxiously belts out “The Name Game,” Rose checking under the bed and the closet for Blanche’s grandma, and imagining Sophia mooning a chain gang on the highway. I absolutleh love a good Blanche-centered episode and this one is purely dynamite. GRADE: A

Friday, June 28, 2019

Ro$e Love$ Mile$ S7E10

Synopsis: Rose becomes annoyed with Miles for being frickin’ frugal; meanwhile Blanche is left in charge of Sophia while Dorothy leaves town on a cruise.

90s Flashback
Rose: “Well, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I mean, what if he doesn't come back? What if I've lost him? What if I turn into a lonely, old spinster and never find love again?”
Blanche [reading the paper, laughing]: “Look, Garfield caught a fish.”

Crazy Continuity
Is this supposed to be the same Guido that she was married to just a few episodes ago in “That’s For Me to Know?”

Musical Moments
Blanche: “Come on, Rose. Just think about it. A delicious dinner at an elegant restaurant. At night.”
Rose: “You mean no coupons, Blanche?”
Blanche: “No coupons, Rose.”
Rose: “Chefs who don't wear pirate hats?”
Blanche: “Oh I don't think so.”
Rose: “And he'll pay for everything? I don't have to leave the tip?”
Blanche: “That's right.”
Rose [singing]: “I'm gonna cheat on Miles/I'm gonna to cheat on Miles!”

St. Olaf Vocab
Blanche: “Well, you've always known Miles was frugal.”
Rose: “He's more than frugal. He's frickin’ frugal.”
Blanche: “Why, Rose!”
Rose: “It's a Scandinavian term. Honest.”

…Until the Buffalo Pooped
Blanche: “Let's very quickly go over this checklist to see if you've packed everything you're gonna need for your fun, fun, fun in the sun. Nausea pills?”
Dorothy: “Took ‘em.”
Blanche: “Okay. Seasick skin patch?”
Dorothy: “Wearing it.”
Blanche: “Okay. Those tiny little stop-you-up tablets that I got for my visit to Mexico?”
Dorothy: “The bottle was empty.”
Sophia: “Uh-oh.”

That’s What She Said
Miles: “I ate before we came.”

Animal Alert
Dorothy: “Now look, as for instructions… Ma is to be fed twice a day. Walk her after her second meal. And don't give her anything liquid after 10.”
Sophia: “Hey, what is this? You're talking about me like I'm an animal. (sniffing Blanche) You've been with a man, haven't you?”

Shady Pines, Ma
Blanche: “You know, Sophia, finding this list was a sign. You must make things right with that man. Now, go to your room and write him a long letter. Make your words thorough, honey. Make them fearless. Don't stop till you have said everything. Take two or three days if you have to.”
Rose: “Thank you, Blanche. You're a good friend.”
Blanche: “I just wish Sophia were my mother. Then I could put her in Shady Pines.”

Lewd Ladies
Blanche: “Have a wonderful time. And listen, don't forget to moan. Helps keep a man focused.”
Dorothy: “Oh God...”
Blanche: “Just like that.”

Picture It
Blanche [reading Sophia’s list]: “Three, ‘Make amends with Guido Spirelli. Who's Guido Spirelli?”
Sophia: “Guido Spirelli was my first husband in Sicily. It was an arranged marriage I had annulled. I left him a broken man. And I vowed one day I would make amends.”

Zbornak Zingers
Dorothy: “Now listen, honey, while I'm gone, I'm putting you in charge of Ma.”
Blanche: “Me?? Why, why me and not Rose?”
Dorothy: “Rose couldn't keep our rock garden alive.”

Product Placement
Rose: “You mean I can have another Diet Coke?”
Guy from Texas: “Of course you can, darlin'.”

Sassy Sophia
Blanche: “Sophia? Sophia? Are you all right?”
Sophia: “I'm okay. I'm okay. But that antique chest of Dorothy's? She's not gonna like what you let me do to it.”
Blanche: “You just listen to what I'm tellin' you. You live under my roof, you live under my rules.”
Sophia: “Ah, live under this.”

Best of B.E.D.
Rose: “It's Miles. Lately he's gotten I don't know, really tight, and I hate it.
Blanche: “Oh? Well, I'm just the opposite. I love a tight man. Tight man with cast-iron pecs, thighs that could choke a bear, butt you could eat breakfast off of. Then the two of us would- Rose, when did you get in?”
Rose: “Blanche, I've been here the whole time. I was telling you about Miles being tight.”
Blanche: “Oh I love a tight man! A tight man with cast-iron pecs, thighs-”
Rose: “No, tight with money. He's cheap!”
Blanche: “Oh, tight with money? Dump him.”

From Feud to Food
Miles: “Come on, Rose. Admit it. Wasn't it worth a trip to the bad part of town?”
Rose: “That guy almost got my purse, Miles!”
Miles: “Almost doesn't count, Rose. How about those Cajun drumsticks? Oh, I can still smell those Cajun drumsticks.”
Rose: “I'm not surprised, you put one in each pocket.”

Rose: “I didn't mean to eat behind your back.”
Miles: “I was gonna take you to a lovely restaurant tomorrow night.”
Rose: “I know. Cap'n Sam's Twilight Two-For-One Special. A nice piece of perch, your choice of potatoes or rice.”
Miles: “Oh, yeah. I see you conveniently left out the generous helping of slaw.”

Blanche: “Oh boy, there's just nothin' like startin' out the day with a big pile of eggs and cinnamon toast. Oh, damn, almost forgot. The old lady's got to eat.”

What, We Can’t Learn From History?
Sophia: “Hey, Mr. Occupato, what are you doing in there, painting the Sistine Chapel?”

Literary Intelligentsia
Miles: “You hum, Rose.”
Rose: “I hum?”
Miles: “Softly, happily, incessantly. Rose, I come over in the morning, and you hum as you're cleaning the house: [humming]
Rose: “It's free music, Miles. I'd think you'd like that.”
Miles: “God forbid we get into an elevator where there's Muzak.”
Rose: “You've made your point. I hum.”
Miles: “Boy, do you hum!”
Rose: “Listen, Scrooge!”

Golden Quotes
Dorothy: “Now, Ma, you're gonna do what Blanche tells you?”
Sophia: “Yeah.”
Dorothy: “You're not going to give her any trouble?”
Sophia: “No.”
Dorothy: “You're gonna be Blanche's little helper?”
Sophia: “Yes.”
Dorothy: “I love you.”
Sophia: “I love you, too. Goodbye, pussycat. [Dorothy leaves] Fasten your seat belt, slut puppy. This ain't gonna be no cakewalk!”

Blanche: “1920. Well, Sophia, you wrote this. ‘Things I Want To Accomplish Before I Die.’”
Sophia: “The list! The list! You've found my list! Oh, Blanche, read it to me. Those were my dreams, my goals.”
Blanche: “Number one, lose 200 pounds.”
Sophia: “Done it.”
Blanche: “Number two, never be burden to children in old age.”
Sophia: “Moving on...”

Rose: “Last time I had champagne, Miles and I crashed a bar mitzvah. By the way, Blanche, you have a large tuchus.”
Blanche: “That better mean bosom.”

Blanche: “Rose, this is terrible! What do you think Dorothy's gonna do? Remember what she was like when you lost her keys?”
Rose: “She uprooted a mighty sequoia.”
Blanche: “Of course, on the other hand, she is off on a romantic cruise, so maybe he'll fall in love with her and she'll come home happy. I'm a dead woman.”

Angelo: “Sweets for my sweet. Flowers for my flower, and cigarettes for after.”
Blanche: “Angelo, what are you doing?”
Angelo: “May I quote what you said on the phone? ‘Angelo, I need you. Come over, quick. Sophia's not here.’”
Blanche: " I--I didn't mean it that way.”
Angelo: “Are you telling me I shaved my shoulders for nothing?”
Blanche: “As much as that does sweeten the pot--”

Blanche: “Sophia is missing and you are my last hope. I've already tried calling Sicily's Department of Missing Persons. They just laughed at me.”
Angelo: “You called Missing Persons in Sicily? You got it wrong. You call them to lose somebody.”

Rose: “You know, it's kind of nice not having to holler your order into the clown's mouth. The trout amandine looks nice, doesn't it?”
Miles: “The trout? Well, I'm, I'm not sure. Uh, oh, yes, yes! Yes, it does. Good. Mmm-hmm. That chateaubriand that couple over there is eating looks even better.”
Rose: “Then, Miles, have it.”
Miles: “I couldn't. I think they're gonna finish it.”
Rose: “Your own, Miles. Order your own.”

Dorothy: “But before I tell you about my weekend, I want to hear all about yours.”
Sophia: “You're looking at it. All I did was sit. Blanche was all over me like a cheap slut.”
Rose: “I think you mean suit.”
Dorothy: “Not necessarily.”

Who else thinks the producers were testing the waters at this point to see what the show would be like without Bea Arthur? Cause this is the second episode this season in which Bea literally shows up for 3 minutes of screentime and it shows. This is a completely fine Season 7 episode: it has plenty of classic, funny lines, has some great gags, and we get to see “Sicily” for the first (and only) time. So, how many arranged marriages did Sophia have exactly? But I digress. Blanche having to “babysit” is actually a pretty funny concept as we all know how mischievous Sophia can get. Her slut puppy line is a classic moment. And then there’s the B story about Miles being frickin’ frugal. I wonder if he ever did live to be 100? I’m not so sure why Rose made a big deal about the guy almost getting her purse. She could of kneed him in his safe deposit box. Overall this episode is funny and grounded (by season 7 standards) and we get to see Sophia and Blanche riding a donkey so there’s that. And finally, does anyone else want to see Dorothy uproot a mighty sequoia like now? Fun fact: This episode also marks the first official time that the end credits contained an extra scene and not just a still image (and no the weather report end credits in the previous episode didn’t count). GRADE: B+

Friday, June 14, 2019

The Monkey Show - Part 2 S7E9

Synopsis: As the storm hits, Dorothy deals with Gloria and Stan sleeping together while Rose and Blanche bomb hosting the Save the McKinley Lighthouse telethon.

Musical Moments
Rose: “While Blanche is doing that, why don't I head over to the piano? I'd like to sing you a song that I used to sing as a child. It's an old Minnesotan farm song entitled, I Never Thought I'd Grow a Hair There:
Oom pah, pah/Oom pah, pah/Oom pah, pah/Om, what the hell is that hair?”
Blanche:Rose? We just got a pledge for $20.”
Rose: “Oh, let's go to the tote board. Drum roll. We're off to a good start. Okay, now, where was I? Oh, yes, where Hans first spots the hair. Oom pah, pah/Oom pah, pah-”
Blanche: “Rose? Rose? I just got a pledge for $50, if you will stop singin'.”
Sophia [on the phone]: “That's right. 50 bucks if she stops singing and I'll throw in another 50 if you slam the piano lid on her fingers.”

Insult Watch
Dorothy: “Mama, may I see you in the kitchen?”
Sophia: “You look mighty pretty today, pussycat.”
Dorothy: “This isn't going to work, you little stick person.”

Product Placement
Stan: “Can you believe it? The machines are all empty.”
Dorothy: “Oh, that's terrible. Would you like a Clark bar?”
Stan: “Sure.”
Dorothy: “$2.50.”
Stan: “It's nice to be able to talk again like human beings, like friends.”
Dorothy: “I said $2.50, Stan.”

Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “Look, Gloria isn't the kind of woman that does well by herself. She's the kind of woman who needs a rich man to buy her things and make her feel special.”
Dorothy: “Oh? And what kind of woman am I?”
Sophia: “The kind who should live with her mother.”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “Oh, I remember back in St. Olaf, during a tornado, my mother left the storm cellar to find Toto. Her constant companion and favorite cow.”
Dorothy: “Why are we nice to her?”
Rose: “The point is, when mother went out in the storm, she got quite a bump on her head. For the rest of her days, she kept trying to get that cow in the little basket on the front of her bicycle.”

Best of B.E.D.
Rose: “Hello, this is Rose Nylund. And this is Blanche Devereaux.”
Blanche: “Hi, boys.”
Rose: “And we're going to be with you for the next eight hours on the Save the McKinley Lighthouse Telethon. So, please call the number that's flashing on your screen to make your pledges.”
Blanche: “And, uh, for that handsome guy in the red corvette that I cut off on Highway 12 yesterday, you can call my personal number which is flashin' on your screen now.” [555-EASY]

Brooklyn: A Fairyland
Sophia: “It's like when they were young. Whenever Gloria took one of Dorothy's old toys, Dorothy would get interested again and want it back. I can still hear her yelling, ‘Gloria took my stick! Gloria took my stick!’”
Angelo: “Boy, we come from a poor family. But the way I see it is, you gave Stan to Gloria. But Stan is not a stick. He's not a Betsy Wetsy. He's not a rubber ball. He's a man.”
Sophia: “You are so wise.”
Angelo: “I listen to a lot of talk radio.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Dorothy: “How could you do this? How could you do this to me?”
Stan: “Dorothy, there's a hurricane a-comin’. Fierce winds and driving rains. Who knows what's gonna happen to all of us? I felt scared and vulnerable.”
Dorothy: “Oh, Stan, you big, bald girl.”

Gloria: “Dorothy, it just happened. I know you think it's wrong, but it's not a crime, you know.”
Dorothy: “Yes, it is. Officers!”
Stan: “You brought the cops??”
Dorothy: “That's right. I came prepared. Officers, shoot these people. You heard me, I'm a tax payer. Shoot them.”
Dorothy: “Oh, come on now. You can too shoot them.”
Cop 1: “I cannot shoot them. I can only shoot looters.”
Dorothy: “Oh, I understand. Stan, pick up the TV on your way out, will you?”

The Boob Tube
Davy Cricket: “And now, I'd like to do a happy cricket. Note the difference.”
Rose: “That's great. Do you do any other insects?”
Davy Cricket: “Well, I do a grasshopper that- Nah, you can't do it on TV.”
Rose: “Oh, well, thank you. Thank you, Davey Cricket.”

Golden Quotes
Dr. Halperin: “So, kids, what's going on?”
Stan: “Well, Doc, I have some news. I sort of slept with Dorothy's sister.”
Dr. Halperin: “Hey, you're off the monkey. Mazel tov.”

Carol: “Oh my God.”
Dorothy: “What is it?”
Carol: “You're Dan and Morothy.”
Dorothy: “Wild and crazy names?”
Dr. Halperin: “Carol, this is a different Dan and Morothy.”
Carol: “You mean these aren't the two nuts who couldn't stop seeing each other? Dan, a sex-crazed nudnik with occasional performance problems, and Morothy, a domineering tyrant who totally emasculated him?”
Sophia: “No more calls. We have a winner.”

Blanche: “Well, let me tell you something, mister. It doesn't matter how many of our acts have shown up. It doesn't matter how many hours of air time we have to fill. There is only one thing that matters here. The indomitable devotion that Rose and I have in our hearts for that windmill. It's a devotion for that windmill. It's a love for that windmill. And as God as our witness, we are going to save that windmill.”
Rose: “It's a lighthouse, Blanche. We're saving the McKinley Lighthouse.”
Blanche: “That eyesore?”
Rose: “That's the one.”

Sophia: “Do you know, in some primitive societies, it's considered good manners to give your ex-husband to your sister?”
Dorothy: “In some primitive societies they leave their elderly out in a field for large birds to feed on. Where do we draw the line?”
Sophia: “Right before the large bird thing.”

Stage manager: “The telethon is over. The station manager just told me they're turning the airwaves over to the National Weather Service. This studio has been designated an official hurricane shelter.”
Blanche: “Oh, well, fine. But, uh, before I go, I would like to make one final plea. Now, I know there is goodness in your heart and I know you want to give. Well, I am ready to take anything you have to offer. Shaaaare with me.”
Stage manager: “Ma'am, we've been off the air for two minutes.”
Blanche: “I know it. I'm talking to Chester on camera two. Share with me, Chestah!”

Dorothy: “Ma? Ma, are you home? Ma, don't hide. [looking under kitchen cabinet] Ma? No, you're too smart to hide in the same place twice.”

Cop 2: “Hello, ma'am. Are you the resident here?”
Dorothy: “Oh, my God. It's my mother!!”
Cop 2: “No, ma'am, I'm a police officer.”
Cop 1: “Can I show the kid Blanche’s room while we’re waiting? Nah, let him be surprised.”

Sophia: “Angelo, you're my big brother. I can only come to you. I'm in trouble.”
Angelo: “Then the boy will marry you.”

Sophia: “I'm a terrible mother.”
Angelo: “You're a wonderful mother.”
Sophia: “No, I really upset my Dorothy. She's at a very difficult age. Just out of menopause, but the sex drive isn't totally dead yet.”
Angelo: “That is an awkward time.”
Sophia: “And Gloria, she's my baby. She hasn't even lost any of her adult teeth yet.”
Angelo: “I'd kill for a piece of corn that wasn't creamed.”

Sophia: “Oh, the entrance is blocked. We can't get out! We're gonna die!”
Angelo: “All right, don't worry. I have a plan. They taught me how to deal with emergencies in the Italian Army. HELP! HELP!”

Sophia: “Dorothy, I want to talk to you. I just wanted to say I'm sorry about the stick.”
Dorothy: “What stick?”
Sophia: “The stick. The one with the sock on it with the buttons for the eyes?”
Dorothy: “You mean Scout? You know where Scout is?”
Sophia: “Look, I'm sorry I gave the stick to your sister when you were a kid. And I'm sorry about the other thing, too.”
Dorothy: “You mean about giving Stan to Gloria?”
Sophia: “Yeah, that and the stick. I'm sorry about those two things.”

Is anyone else disturbed that Dorothy refers to the lanai as “the patio.” Bea Arthur was really checked out this season wasn’t she? Of course, no one else seemed to care either. But I digress. The second part of this two part episode (which aired as part of a Hurricane Saturday crossover night on NBC with Empty Nest and Nurses – yes there is a Golden Girls shared universe, eat your heart out Marvel) is significantly funnier than the first half. Everything at the telethon is gold. I used to watch Rose sing the “I Never Thought I’d Grow a Hair There” song over and over and over again when I was younger. The way they go to the tot board every time they get a donation is fun visual gag. How exactly Blanche was able to coordinate with the graphics guy having her “personal number” flash on the TV screen is a ridiculous but hilarious gag as well. And who could forget Davy Cricket?? Of course there’s more about the repercussions of Gloria and Stan sleeping together. Snooze. Though I do like it when the cops show up and Dorothy tells them to shoot Gloria and Stan after she finds them sleeping together again. Hurricanes just make people horny I guess. I’m surprised Blanche was able to get through the whole storm without French kissin’ the pillahs. And lastly I’d just like to leave you with the image of Sophia squished underneath the kitchen cabinets. Brilliant. Just brilliant. GRADE: B+