Monday, August 28, 2017

Comedy of Errors S5E9

Synopsis: Dorothy gets inspired to fulfill her lifelong dream of being a stand-up comedian; Blanche is audited by the IRS; and Rose tries to get her co-worker to like her.

80s Flashback

Dorothy: “This money that you forgot to give to the IRS, what did you do with it?”

Blanche: “I can't remember what I did with every penny. I know I gave some of it to charity.”

Dorothy: “Charitable deductions! Blanche, that's great. What was it? United Fund? Greenpeace? You remember?”

Blanche: “In 1985 I bought the ‘We Are the World’ album.”

Crazy Continuity

I think the IRS audited Blanche because the auditor Gloria Schmidt looks suspiciously like Frieda from the Ladies Auxiliary who Blanche accused of sleeping with the Japanese guy who blows the leaves outta her driveway in “You Gotta Have Hope.”

Let’s Get Political

Blanche: “It was so much easier when I was married. I'd buy something expensive, George would yell at me, I'd put on a see-through nightie, and that’d be the end of it. Why can't the government work that way?”

Dorothy: “According to the newspapers, a lot of times it does.”

St. Olaf Vocab

Vanskap kokker - A St. Olaf friendship cake. It's made with milk, sugar, honey, a whole lot of love, and just a drop of sunshine.

That’s What She Said

Rose: “Do you wanna see my vanskap kokker?”

Sophia: “As long as I don't have to show you mine.”

Animal Alert

Roger “I've come to talk to you about this cat you sent me.”

Rose: “When I saw him at the pound, I knew he'd be just the cat for you. I named him Buster. Isn't he precious?”

Roger: “He mauled me, Rose.”

Lewd Ladies

Blanche: “My accountant reminded me that I've been audited before and I've never had to pay a penny in back taxes. I have a way with auditors. The last time I was audited I got money back from the government.”

Sophia: “Blanche, it's not a refund when the auditor leaves two twenties on your nightstand.”

Zbornak Zingers

Dorothy: “I've been sitting here looking through the book, and I can't believe how many of my classmates are gone. I mean, look: Frank Bonatardi, tight end on the football team - heart attack, dead.”

Blanche: “Well Dorothy, don't think of it as Frank being dead. Just think of it as God telling Frank to go deep.”

Dorothy: “David Brittingham.”

Blanche: “What happened to him?”

Dorothy: “God told David to drive into a wall at 80 miles an hour.”

Insult Watch

Dorothy: “I was in the drama club. I was also voted the most humorous girl in my class.”

Sophia: “She went to a special school for the dull.”

Dorothy: “How did it go at the accountant's?”

Blanche: “Oh, just fine. Hey while I was in the waiting room, I was reading a magazine that listed the ten richest men in America. You know, Merv Griffin's moved up a couple of notches.”

Dorothy: “He probably ate the two guys ahead of him.”

Tales from the Old South

Blanche: “OK, Rose, I'm going to tell you a little story about a young girl in high school who was very insecure about the other kids liking her. Now, she would do anything - anything - to gain their approval. She would do their homework for them, while her grades suffered. She would give them her lunch money, in the misguided belief that she could buy their acceptance. Finally, lonely and desperate for affection she gave her virginity to the first boy who showed her the slightest attention.”

Dorothy: “You know, Blanche, until you told this story, I never realized how much we had in common.”

Blanche: “We don't have anything in common. That was a story Sophia told me about you.”

Sassy Sophia

Sophia: “What are you doing?”

Blanche: “Dorothy's going through her high school yearbook, to see who's all is dead.”

Sophia: “That's my pussycat: fun, fun, fun!”

Back in St. Olaf

Rose: “Did I ever tell you the story about Herder Schornborscht?”

Dorothy: “Many, many, many times.”

Blanche: “Yes, yes, yes! You have.”

Rose: “Well, then you remember, he was St. Olaf's most famous shepherd. Well, Herder used to say, you can have a hundred sheep, and if one goes astray, that's the one you go look for. Especially if it's the best-looking one.”

Best of B.E.D.

Dorothy: “Blanche, how are you going to explain that outfit?

Blanche: “The zipper's in the back.”

What Do I Look Like, a Cross Dresser?

Sophia: “Please. I've always been supportive. Remember when you wanted to run away to Canada so you wouldn't get drafted?”

Dorothy: “Ma, that was my brother Phil.”

Sophia: “Oh, yeah. I got confused, he was wearing your dress.”

The Boob Tube

Blanche: “You've come this far. You might as well go through with it.”

Dorothy: “But what if nobody laughs?”

Sophia: “Then you'll know how Lisa Bonet feels.”

Reel References

Dorothy: “Oh, Ma, look at this. A list I made of things I wanted to do with my life.”

Blanche: “You know, I had a list like that - and I've done most of 'em. Except for Burt Lancaster.”

Golden Quotes

Dorothy: “I haven't done half the things on this list. I mean, what am I? I am a substitute teacher. I'll never be rich before I'm 21, I'll never be homecoming queen.”

Sophia: “You can still be homecoming queen. It'll just be a different kind of home.”

Rose: “Dorothy, you're the smart one. And Blanche, you're the sexy one. And Sophia, you're the old one. And I'm the nice one. Everybody always likes me.”

Sophia: “The old one isn't so crazy about you!”

Dorothy: “Do you remember those variety shows that my class used to put on? I was really very good. You know, I'd get up there and tell a few jokes about the teachers, about the cafeteria food. Ma, do you remember, ‘You call THIS tapioca?? HAHAHAHA!’”

Sophia: “Timeless.”

Blanche: “Do you remember when we went to amateur night at the Comedy Barrel? You've got to be as good as some of those people.”

Dorothy: “I couldn't. I'd be up there sweating bullets.”

Sophia: “And dodging some.”

Sophia: “Dorothy, have you seen my teeth?”

Dorothy: “They're in your mouth, Ma.”

Sophia: “I know that. Don't they look good today? I ran them through the dishwasher.”

Dorothy: “Ma, listen to me. You got Martha Raye and Madge mixed up again.”

Sophia: “Oh, yeah.”

Sophia: “Didn't I come here to live with you in your twilight years?”

Dorothy: “Ma, these are your twilight years.”

Sophia: “Are you kidding?? I'm supposed to be dead. These are YOUR twilight years.”

Dorothy "Show Us Your" Zbornak: “Boy, it's a little hot up here.”

Sophia: “How hot is it?!”

Dorothy "Show Us Your" Zbornak: “I don't know, but it's really hot.”

Sophia: “HI-HO!”

Dorothy "Show Us Your" Zbornak: “You know, at our ages, the four of us living together in the same house, we go through so many hormone changes that some nights we can actually read by the hot flashes.”

Dorothy: “No, doing stand-up was like having sex with Stan. I was nervous before, it felt pretty good during it, and I'm absolutely thrilled that I will never have to do it again.”


I wonder if Dorothy really knows which one is Siegfried and which one is Roy? But I digress. What a bizarre episode right? Three plot lines that have nothing to do with each other, sort of like “Triple Play,” which will be coming up later this season. Besides the sheer randomness of this episode, I find it strangely titillating. I love it when Dorothy thinks she’s funny which is why the comedian story line is what I find so likable here. I never really buy that Dorothy, a person who’s so self-conscious, would ever want to entertain large crowds of people but here we are. The little we get to see of her act is actually pretty entertaining. Hopefully at some point the Ladies Auxiliary got to put on another talent show that she could emcee. She bombed that Joan Collins joke, but maybe she’d do better now that she has more experience? Blanche’s story line is fine with a fun pay off, as is Rose’s bizarre obsession with a co-worker we never see or hear from again. Sophia’s role here is again to insult the hell out of everyone, especially Dorothy. She tells her to “fall the other way it’s funnier” and to cut her throat and even writes a million jokes about how stupid Rose is. It’s my kind of humor. Also, I’m pretty sure Blanche’s nightgown that she wears during her audit is probably one of her best ensembles. Too bad it’s wasted on Gloria Schmidt! Note: I’m introducing a new category called “What Do I Look Like, a Cross Dresser?” to keep track of all of the mentions of Dorothy’s cross-dressing and mysteriously never-seen brother Phil. GRADE: A-

Friday, August 25, 2017

That Old Feeling S5E8

Synopsis: Blanche’s brother-in-law Jamie visits and she falls in love with him; Sophia secretly borrows the girls’ cars to drive.

Musical Moments

Rose: “Sophia, if you needed a ride, we'd be happy to give you lifts.”

Sophia: “You want to make me happy? Get rid of the Bobby Vinton tapes. I have enough trouble staying awake at the wheel.”

St. Olaf Vocab

Dorothy: “What a charming man.”

Rose: “And so handsome. Oh as they say in St. Olaf, va-va-va voom!”

Dorothy: “Is that where that comes from?”

Lewd Ladies

Jamie: “I never will forget back in high school in biology class when we were studying the octopus.”

Blanche: “Now, I swear I meant to say eight tentacles.”

Zbornak Zingers

Blanche: “What has become of chivalry, when men used to open doors for you, pull out your chair, tip their hat, kiss your hand, help you down out of your carriage, leave calling cards on little silver salvers?”

Dorothy: “So how far back do you want to go Blanche? I mean do you still wanna be able to vote?”

Insult Watch

Sophia: “I have a license.”

Rose: “It expired years ago.”

Sophia: “I went down and had it renewed.”

Dorothy: “Look, I absolutely forbid you to do this.”

Sophia: “Why?”

Dorothy: “Because you drive like Mr. Magoo.”

Blanche: “Why, you know, it's an old Southern tradition for the beautiful married daughter to take in her pathetic spinster sisters.”

Dorothy: “Well, when she puts it that way, it's so hard to resist.”

Tales from the Old South

Blanche: “After George and I were married, I began to realize that Jamie had this yen for me. Poor boy. Trapped in a seething cauldron of forbidden passion for his gorgeous sister-in-law. There were nights when he actually bayed at the moon. But he finally realized that I was totally committed to George, so he threw himself into a marriage that was doomed to failure. After 20 years they realized they had nothing in common. I can't wait for him to get here and see how good I look.”

Dorothy: “You know, Blanche, Jamie may not see this as a happy reunion. I mean, after all, he just lost his mother.”

Blanche: “And I just ran out of gas, but life goes on.”

Product Placement

Sophia: “It's all those foreign cars. They're unreliable.”

Dorothy: “Ma, Blanche drives a Buick.”

Sophia: “So? I'm from Sicily. To me a Buick is a foreign car.”

Rose: “God, I hate going to the supermarket.”

Dorothy: “Rose, if you'd stop playing express-line detective, people would stop yelling at you.”

Rose: “Oh, I see. So when you're standing in line reading TV Guide and you toss it on top of your ten items, I’m supposed to look the other way. I think not, Dorothy.”

Sassy Sophia

Sophia: “I had a blind date. Actually, he's just legally blind. It's Mr. Panioli. He's good-looking, he’s a lot of laughs and he can't see his own hand in front of his face. He's happy just as long as I brush my teeth.”

Back in St. Olaf

Rose: “I remember back in St. Olaf when Inga Engstran married her late husband's brother Lars, and the whole town was shocked. Of course, that could've been because at the time Inga was on trial for her late husband's dismemberment.”

Dorothy: “It was probably a factor.”

Rose: “The trial went on for months. Attorney's fees cost her an arm and a leg.”

Sophia: “Rose, get to the part where they steal the brain out of the dead body and sew it into your head.”

Rose: “ So anyway, she got a suspended sentence.”

Sophia: “They let her go??”

Rose: “No, they hanged her.”

Sophia: “I'm going to sleep. I don't know how long I've got, but I deserve better company in my final years.”

Best of B.E.D.

Blanche: “I think I'll take a stroll past that new mini mall they're building.”

Rose: “Why?”

Blanche: “Passing construction sites is good for your morale. The sound of guys in hard hats making that sucking noise through their teeth… makes me feel like a lady again.”

From Feud to Food

Dorothy: “Well, since Blanche is having dinner with Jamie, we have a very important decision to make.”

Rose: “How about pizza?”

Dorothy: “Sounds great.”

Rose: “Should we go healthy and get whole-wheat crust and low-fat cheese?”

Dorothy: “Why don't we go really high-fiber and spread ketchup on cardboard? Pizza, dammit! Get pizza.”

What, We Can’t Learn From History?

Dorothy: “Ma, why are you carrying that phone book?”

Sophia: “I can carry a book. It's a free country. Even the Statue of Liberty carries a book.”

Literary Intelligentsia

Dorothy: “If they want to make spies talk, they should force them to grade junior-high English essays. Kids today can't write the English language: ‘The characters in The Grapes of Wrath are so real that it's interesting.’”

Rose: "Weren't they?”

Golden Quotes

Rose: “You and Jamie were close?”

Blanche: “We were classmates in high school. I thought he was cute, but I could never date someone from my own class. Well, I'd been dating seniors since I was 12. I had my reputation to consider.”

Dorothy: “Shut up, Ma.”

Sophia: “In my village in Sicily we had a custom. If your mother-in-law died, you were forced to wear a hair shirt, eat dirt, and pound your head on a rock. Anything to keep you from laughing.”

Rose: “You wore red to George's funeral?”

Blanche: “George liked red. I thought I looked terrible, but the pictures came out fine.”

Blanche: “I am nervous. My heart's just pounding away.”

Dorothy: “Just take a deep breath.”

Blanche: “I always take a deep breath before I greet a man. It thrusts my breasts forward.”

Jamie: “Blanche! Honey, you always did look pretty when you held your breath.”

Jamie: “Ladies, in her all-too-infrequent letters, Blanche has spoken of you both in glowing terms. I feel real lucky to get the chance to know you personally.”

Rose: “Why, thank you kind sir.”

Dorothy: “You'll have to excuse Rose. Every time a man speaks Southern at her, she goes all… stupid.”

Blanche: “I'd hardly expect Mama Devereaux to leave me the family silver.

Jamie: “As her executor, I had to go over her will with her - the list of beneficiaries - and, well, she was pretty far gone by then, but when we got to your name, she kept repeating in this weak little voice, ‘I want her to have it. I want her to have it.’”

Blanche: “Well, I am surprised.”

Jamie: “She was talking about her disease.”

Rose: “The phone book is missing.”

Dorothy: “The car's missing, the phone book is missing. If you had a car phone, this would all come together.”

Blanche: “What's more, my female instincts tell me that Jamie feels the same way about me. Oh, it wouldn't surprise me if one day soon Mrs. Blanche Devereaux were to become Mrs. Blanche Devereaux.”

Sophia: “I'll alert the mailman.”

Dorothy: “It helps knowing each other's idiosyncrasies. I don't think Stan and I would have gotten together had I known that his entire family smells their fingers all day after they eat chicken.”


You know, for someone who doesn’t think she looks good in red Blanche certainly wears red a lot huh? I mean even her wedding dress was red. But I digress. This is a fine episode. It’s a showcase for Blanche’s character; it gives her depth but not too many particularly outstanding moments. I always welcome episodes involving her Southern kinfolk. As long as it’s not country music singing Big Daddy. The other one. Oy vey. I enjoy Sophia’s B story about her wanting to drive mostly because it’s fun to imagine what Sophia looks like trying to drive a car. The storyline goes nowhere really and is just an excuse for Dorothy and Sophia to argue and fling insults at one another, which is fine by me. It really deepens their fantastic relationship. Poor Rose really has nothing to do here except go all stupid in front of Southern gentleman Jamie. The reason Blanche thinks Jamie looks just like George is probably because they’re played by the same actor. George Grizzard will return in a later episode as Blanche’s dead husband George. And if you’re ever playing GG trivia and are asked to identify either of them, George has a mustache and Jamie does not. I wish someone had pass on that bit of street smart savvy to me. GRADE: B+

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Not Another Monday S5E7

Synopsis: In a very special episode, Sophia's friend Martha wants to kill herself; meanwhile, the girls are babysitting a young couple's baby while an especially horny Blanche throws herself Dr. Harry Weston.

Musical Moments
Rose: “Boom. Boom. Well??”
Blanche: “Well what?”
Rose: “After my ‘boom’ comes your ‘boom,’ and then yours - until we're all ‘boom’ing.”
Dorothy: “How complicated is that herring thing?”
The girls then proceed into a rendition of “Mr. Sandman.”

That’s What She Said
Sophia: “I don't know, for me it was better the first time. What do you think?”

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Dorothy: “What is it, Rose? A boy or a girl?”
Rose: “Of course!”
Dorothy: “I mean, is it Frances as in Francie, or Francis as in Frank?”
Rose: “I don't know. It's wearing yellow.”
Dorothy: “We could find out, Rose.”
Rose: “How??”
Dorothy: “Put on the Dolphins game and see if it watches. BY LOOKING ROSE!”

Lewd Ladies
Martha: “She suffered so. It was a blessing in disguise.”
Sophia: “I always wondered why blessings wore disguises. If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked.”

Zbornak Zingers
Dr. Harry Weston: “Frank, talk to me. What's going on here?”
Blanche: “ Well he isn't feeling very well, so we thought we'd have you over for a drink.
Dorothy: “Hey, why don't we just forget the baby and go dancing?”

Insult Watch
Dorothy: “Oh, come on, Blanche, he's a doctor. He's used to seeing people at their worst. And if you comb your hair, you can be right in that ball park.”

Product Placement
Sophia: “Uh do you remember how we met?”
Martha: “Yes. About eight years ago. We shared a room in the hospital. You had the heart scare, I was the gall bladder.”
Sophia: “They gave you my sponge bath by mistake.”
Martha: “You ate my Jell-O.”

Sassy Sophia
Dorothy: “Ma, hello Martha. Where were you?
Sophia: “I'll give you a hint. The guest of honor had lipstick on her teeth and didn't give a damn.”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “You know, this reminds me of the story of Gunilla Ulfstader, St. Olaf's very own angel of death.”
Dorothy: “Tell it, Rose. Tell it.”
Rose: “Really?? All the way through?”
Dorothy: “All the way through. But please try to make the end come as close to the beginning as possible.”
Rose: “Well, Gunilla Ulfstader was a nurse at Cedars of St. Olaf Hospital. One night she was taking care of Sven Bjornsson, and he asked her if she would get him some more mouth moisteners and then kill him. Gunilla brought the mouth moisteners right away, but the killing thing, it seemed to go against everything she'd been taught… He begged and he begged, and by her coffee break, she couldn't stand it anymore, so she pulled the plug and he died. Well, she was racked with guilt that night. Not only had she parked her car in a doctor's spot, but she was never sure whether Sven's pleading was the pain talking, or the medication talking, or the guy in the next bed talking! You see, the guy in the next bed was Ingmar von Bergen, St. Olaf's meanest ventriloquist.
Dorothy: “Rose, we are going somewhere with this, aren't we? I mean, if not, I'm gonna cut out your tongue.”
Rose: “Yes! Sven came back to haunt Gunilla - since then, every Tuesday night at ten. Nine, Central. She hears noises. But some say it's the wind, but some say it's Sven's voice whispering back from the other side, saying, 'Turn around quick - his lips are moving!'”
Dorothy: “See that, Ma? You kill someone, you end up being a Rose story.”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “I'd better freshen up.”
Dorothy: “Blanche, he is not coming over to look at you. He's coming over to look at the baby.”
Blanche: “I will be holding the baby, next to my bosom. What a magnificent picture. God, I wish that thing didn't look so sickly.”

Dr. Harry Weston: “So, you've been keeping these ladies busy, have you?”
Blanche: “Oh, I didn't mind. I have such a highly developed maternal instinct.”

From Food to Feud
Martha: “Order anything you like. I'm going to have the shrimp cocktail, the cream of mushroom soup, asparagus with hollandaise sauce, and the filet mignon.”
Sophia: “I like cholesterol as much as the next guy, but you're never gonna get blood to your feet again.”

Golden Quotes
Martha: “I have so many things wrong with me - arthritis, high blood pressure, angina, just to mention a few.”
Sophia: “Who doesn't? You can't get into our canasta game unless you have at least two debilitating diseases.”

Blanche: “When are we supposed to sleep? Not that I mind. I was born to heal.”
Dorothy: “Heel, Blanche! “

Rose: “You know, back in St. Olaf, we had a surefire method for getting babies to sleep.”
Dorothy: “If herring, elk, or anyone named Sven figures in this, I don't wanna hear it.”

Sophia: “Boy you guys really stink.”
Dorothy: “We were just singing the baby to sleep.”
Sophia: “It was waking me up.”

Sophia: “Martha wants to commit suicide, and she wants me to be there with her.”
Blanche: “And what did you say?”
Sophia: “I said I'd think about it. You can't say no to somebody who pops for a $75 dinner. Tell them, Blanche.”

Suicide is about as funny as last year's election results. But that doesn't mean the GG don't know how to mix serious subjects with hearty, witty humor. This is a memorable episode, with classic moments, if you're able to put up with the darker subject matter. Let’s start with some of the lighter touches, like how freaking horny is Blanche in this episode?? I know I know, when isn’t Blanche horny. She gets all dolled up for Dr. Harry Weston (even going as far as to put on earrings because babies love shiny things) who we’re supposed to care about because he has his own show in the Golden Girls Expanded TV Universe. At least the budget has grown since season two and the producers actual got a baby this time, not a phony pile of blankets that passed for an infant in “And Then There Was One.” So, remember how Rose mentions that they took her off the suicide hotline at work in “Stan Takes a Wife?” Maybe they should of hired Sophia. She's able to convince Martha not to kill herself in about 63 seconds of screen-time. Impressive. It feels good. Sophia promises to be her best friend. And yet we never see or hear from Martha again. Hopefully she's enjoying some Harvey Wallbangers somewhere. The dual theme of life (the baby) and death (Martha) are balanced nicely with plenty of good moments including the classic “Mr. Sandman” scene and my favorite bit probably being Blanche slinging her leg over the arm of the chair as she tries to prove just how maternal she can be. It's certainly one of the heavier, depressing episodes, and the dialogue isn't quite as sharp, but at least there aren't any flashbacks. GRADE: B+