80s Flashback
Dorothy: “This
money that you forgot to give to the IRS, what did you do with it?”
Blanche: “I can't
remember what I did with every penny. I know I gave some of it to
charity.”
Dorothy: “Charitable
deductions! Blanche, that's great. What was it? United Fund?
Greenpeace? You remember?”
Blanche: “In 1985
I bought the ‘We Are the World’ album.”
Crazy Continuity
I think the IRS
audited Blanche because the auditor Gloria Schmidt looks suspiciously
like Frieda from the Ladies Auxiliary who Blanche accused of sleeping
with the Japanese guy who blows the leaves outta her driveway in
“You Gotta Have Hope.”
Let’s Get
Political
Blanche: “It was
so much easier when I was married. I'd buy something expensive,
George would yell at me, I'd put on a see-through nightie, and that’d
be the end of it. Why can't the government work that way?”
Dorothy: “According
to the newspapers, a lot of times it does.”
St. Olaf Vocab
Vanskap kokker - A
St. Olaf friendship cake. It's made with milk, sugar, honey, a whole
lot of love, and just a drop of sunshine.
That’s What She
Said
Rose: “Do you
wanna see my vanskap kokker?”
Sophia: “As long
as I don't have to show you mine.”
Animal Alert
Roger “I've come
to talk to you about this cat you sent me.”
Rose: “When I saw
him at the pound, I knew he'd be just the cat for you. I named him
Buster. Isn't he precious?”
Roger: “He mauled
me, Rose.”
Lewd Ladies
Blanche: “My
accountant reminded me that I've been audited before and I've never
had to pay a penny in back taxes. I have a way with auditors. The
last time I was audited I got money back from the government.”
Sophia: “Blanche,
it's not a refund when the auditor leaves two twenties on your
nightstand.”
Zbornak Zingers
Dorothy: “I've
been sitting here looking through the book, and I can't believe how
many of my classmates are gone. I mean, look: Frank Bonatardi, tight
end on the football team - heart attack, dead.”
Blanche: “Well
Dorothy, don't think of it as Frank being dead. Just think of it as
God telling Frank to go deep.”
Dorothy: “David
Brittingham.”
Blanche: “What
happened to him?”
Dorothy: “God told
David to drive into a wall at 80 miles an hour.”
Insult Watch
Dorothy: “I was in
the drama club. I was also voted the most humorous girl in my class.”
Sophia: “She went
to a special school for the dull.”
Dorothy: “How did
it go at the accountant's?”
Blanche: “Oh, just
fine. Hey while I was in the waiting room, I was reading a magazine
that listed the ten richest men in America. You know, Merv Griffin's
moved up a couple of notches.”
Dorothy: “He
probably ate the two guys ahead of him.”
Tales from the Old
South
Blanche: “OK,
Rose, I'm going to tell you a little story about a young girl in high
school who was very insecure about the other kids liking her. Now,
she would do anything - anything - to gain their approval. She would
do their homework for them, while her grades suffered. She would give
them her lunch money, in the misguided belief that she could buy
their acceptance. Finally, lonely and desperate for affection she
gave her virginity to the first boy who showed her the slightest
attention.”
Dorothy: “You
know, Blanche, until you told this story, I never realized how much
we had in common.”
Blanche: “We don't
have anything in common. That was a story Sophia told me about you.”
Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “What are
you doing?”
Blanche: “Dorothy's
going through her high school yearbook, to see who's all is dead.”
Sophia: “That's my
pussycat: fun, fun, fun!”
Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “Did I ever
tell you the story about Herder Schornborscht?”
Dorothy: “Many,
many, many times.”
Blanche: “Yes,
yes, yes! You have.”
Rose: “Well, then
you remember, he was St. Olaf's most famous shepherd. Well, Herder
used to say, you can have a hundred sheep, and if one goes astray,
that's the one you go look for. Especially if it's the best-looking
one.”
Best of B.E.D.
Dorothy: “Blanche,
how are you going to explain that outfit?
Blanche: “The
zipper's in the back.”
What Do I Look Like,
a Cross Dresser?
Sophia: “Please.
I've always been supportive. Remember when you wanted to run away to
Canada so you wouldn't get drafted?”
Dorothy: “Ma, that
was my brother Phil.”
Sophia: “Oh, yeah.
I got confused, he was wearing your dress.”
The Boob Tube
Blanche: “You've
come this far. You might as well go through with it.”
Dorothy: “But what
if nobody laughs?”
Sophia: “Then
you'll know how Lisa Bonet feels.”
Reel References
Dorothy: “Oh, Ma,
look at this. A list I made of things I wanted to do with my life.”
Blanche: “You
know, I had a list like that - and I've done most of 'em. Except for
Burt Lancaster.”
Golden Quotes
Dorothy: “I
haven't done half the things on this list. I mean, what am I? I am a
substitute teacher. I'll never be rich before I'm 21, I'll never be
homecoming queen.”
Sophia: “You can
still be homecoming queen. It'll just be a different kind of home.”
Rose: “Dorothy,
you're the smart one. And Blanche, you're the sexy one. And Sophia,
you're the old one. And I'm the nice one. Everybody always likes me.”
Sophia: “The old
one isn't so crazy about you!”
Dorothy: “Do you
remember those variety shows that my class used to put on? I was
really very good. You know, I'd get up there and tell a few jokes
about the teachers, about the cafeteria food. Ma, do you remember,
‘You call THIS tapioca?? HAHAHAHA!’”
Sophia: “Timeless.”
Blanche: “Do you
remember when we went to amateur night at the Comedy Barrel? You've
got to be as good as some of those people.”
Dorothy: “I
couldn't. I'd be up there sweating bullets.”
Sophia: “And
dodging some.”
Sophia: “Dorothy,
have you seen my teeth?”
Dorothy: “They're
in your mouth, Ma.”
Sophia: “I know
that. Don't they look good today? I ran them through the dishwasher.”
Dorothy: “Ma,
listen to me. You got Martha Raye and Madge mixed up again.”
Sophia: “Oh,
yeah.”
Sophia: “Didn't I
come here to live with you in your twilight years?”
Dorothy: “Ma,
these are your twilight years.”
Sophia: “Are you
kidding?? I'm supposed to be dead. These are YOUR twilight years.”
Dorothy "Show Us Your" Zbornak: “Boy,
it's a little hot up here.”
Sophia: “How hot
is it?!”
Dorothy "Show Us Your" Zbornak: “I don't
know, but it's really hot.”
Sophia: “HI-HO!”
Dorothy "Show Us Your" Zbornak: “You
know, at our ages, the four of us living together in the same house,
we go through so many hormone changes that some nights we can
actually read by the hot flashes.”
Dorothy: “No,
doing stand-up was like having sex with Stan. I was nervous before,
it felt pretty good during it, and I'm absolutely thrilled that I
will never have to do it again.”
Critique:
I wonder if Dorothy
really knows which one is Siegfried and which one is Roy? But I
digress. What a bizarre episode right? Three plot lines that have
nothing to do with each other, sort of like “Triple Play,” which
will be coming up later this season. Besides the sheer randomness of this episode, I find it strangely titillating. I love it when Dorothy thinks
she’s funny which is why the comedian story line is what I find so
likable here. I never really buy that Dorothy, a person
who’s so self-conscious, would ever want to entertain large crowds
of people but here we are. The little we get to see of her act is actually pretty
entertaining. Hopefully at some point the Ladies Auxiliary got to put
on another talent show that she could emcee. She bombed that Joan
Collins joke, but maybe she’d do better now that she has more
experience? Blanche’s story line is fine with a fun pay off, as is
Rose’s bizarre obsession with a co-worker we never see or hear from
again. Sophia’s role here is again to insult the hell out of
everyone, especially Dorothy. She tells her to “fall the other way
it’s funnier” and to cut her throat and even writes a million jokes about how stupid Rose is. It’s my kind of humor. Also, I’m
pretty sure Blanche’s nightgown that she wears during her audit is probably one of her best ensembles. Too bad it’s wasted
on Gloria Schmidt! Note: I’m introducing a new category called
“What Do I Look Like, a Cross Dresser?” to keep track of all of
the mentions of Dorothy’s cross-dressing and mysteriously never-seen brother Phil.
GRADE: A-
