Friday, June 5, 2020

Ebbtide VI The Wrath of Stan S7E18

Synopsis: Associate producer Rose unwittingly exposes Stan and Dorothy as slumlords when the apartment building they own is overrun with bugs; Sophia needs a new pair of shoes.

90s Flashback
Stan: “You know Dorothy, in some ways we’re lucky. How many people get locked up with someone they’re attracted to?”
Dorothy: “I don’t know, the name Marion Barry comes to mind.”

Crazy Continuity
In a rare bit of actual continuity, Dorothy asks about Stan’s lawyer Marvin Mitchelson, who was Stan’s lawyer in “There Goes the Bride Part 2” (and a real celebrity attorney who died in 2004) and Dorothy thinks about “shacking up with Stan” again.

Let’s Get Political
Dorothy: “You know what I hate about Sweeps Week? The news. It’s sex, sex, sex. Why can’t they do serious stories, stories with political relevance?”
Blanche: “Yes, like, sex in the new Russia, is it worth standing in line for?”
Rose: “Well I’ve been working on a whole list of ideas that have nothing to do with sex, but they keep turning me down.”
Dorothy: “Oh like what?”
Rose: “Well things I think people would be interested in. Like, Who’s in charge of cheese? Or, Lincoln, great statesman or gas guzzler?”
Dorothy: “Idiots in position of power.”
Rose: “Good one!”

Shady Pines, Ma
Assistant D.A. Peterson: “In your own words, Mrs. Petrillo – the words of a beautiful, dignified person who’s got a wild bod for a chick her age – what kind of person is your daughter?”
Sophia: “She put me in a home.”

Lewd Ladies
Angelo: “Is Dorothy here?”
Rose: “No, she went with Sophia to get shoes.”
Angelo: “She hates taking Sophia for shoes.”
Rose: “I know, but Dorothy decided to go when Sophia and Blanche started talking about whether or not Sophia should put on underwear. They said it’d be fun to scare the hell outta the shoe salesman.”

Picture It
Dorothy: “Ma, you wear those shoes, because they’re the only shoes you say you can wear. Whenever we get you other shoes, you say they’re uncomfortable.”
Sophia: “I’m cursed with these square feet. When I was a girl in Sicily we were too poor for shoes, so I wore olive oil cans.”

Zbornak Zingers
Rose: “Miami’s sordid sex scene, who’s to blame?”
Dorothy, pointing to Blanche: “That’s her, she’s the one!”

Insult Watch
Sophia: “My god Dorothy, did you see all the reporters out there?”
Dorothy: “I know, this is becoming a media circus.”
Sophia: “And they really hate you. ‘The Big Bug Lady’ they call you. You deserve a better nickname. I dunno something like ‘Big Mean Landlady’ or ‘Big Mean Dorothy,’ something with ‘Big Mean.’”
Blanche: “Dorothy, I am so excited. I just go interviewed. They asked me if you were clean at home. I said, ‘Well you won’t find any crumbs in her bed, you won’t find anything in her bed.”

Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “Dorothy, don’t worry! We’ll have you outta jail in no time. I’ll get the best attorney social security can buy!”

Best of B.E.D.
Rose: “Now that I’m associate producer of Wake Up Miami, I have to come up with topical show ideas for Sweeps Week. I need something that’ll give us really big ratings.”
Blanche: “And I will have you know there is nothing sordid about my sex life. Nothing! Oh great, now I’m depressed.”

Blanche: “Dorothy, tonight I’m gonna be out front in a laundry truck.”
Dorothy: “Gotcha. So...”
Blanche: “If you hear screaming don’t call the cops.”

From Feud to Food
Sophia: “Don’t worry Pussycat we won’t rest until we get you outta here.”
Dorothy: “Thanks Ma.”
Sophia: “Who wants Chinese, I got her credit card! I got her credit card!”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Rose: “Good luck Dorothy. I’ll miss you. I love you.”
Dorothy: “Someday sweetheart, I’m going to get out of his hellhole and I’m going to come looking for you...”
Rose: “Dont spend all of your time in prison hating me Dorothy, learn a trade!”

Stan: “I’m going stir crazy. There’s no way out. No way out.”
Dorothy: “Stanley, they let you keep your belt and shoelaces. Think about that.”

Reel References
Dorothy: “Hi Ma.”
Sophia: “My God, did you bust out? Don’t worry, I know what to do. We’ll get you a phony license and birth certificate. I know a good plastic surgeon by tomorrow morning you could be Raul Julia.”

Golden Quotes
Sophia: “Pussycat, what’s short, wrinkly and sticks outta my shoes?”
Dorothy: “You.”

Blanche: “You know, Dorothy I think you’re being too hard on her. I know how difficult buying shoes can be. Sometimes you get yourself a really good-looking salesman, and you try to pretend you don’t notice his hands caressing your calf as he tries to keep his mind on shoes, but all the time he’s thinking ‘Dare I peek? Dare I look more? Dare I look where no eyes have looked before?’ Then as he kneels there before you, little beads of perspiration breakin’ out on his forehead, his breath comin’ shorter and quicker. He, ever so gently, slips the supple leather on your quivering foot. And you achieve a perfect fit. Come on old woman, we need shoes now!!”

Rose: “Angelo, take me to your apartment.”
Uncle Angelo: “Bugs’a make you hot? We got big ones and millions of them.”

Dorothy: “I never wanna go through that again.”
Blanche: “At least we got the shoes.”
Sophia: “And the balloon, and you didn’t have to pay extra.”
Dorothy: “I just had to swear that I would never take you back again.”
Sophia: “Slimshack makes you swear that every year.”
Dorothy, holding up a bandaged finger: “In blood?”

Blanche: “Sophia, there’s something I don’t understand. Now you’re always a bit ornery, unpleasant, impolite, even downright mean, that’s part of your charm.”
Sophia: “Thank you, you bed-hopping relic.”
[Blanche pops Sophia’s balloon]
Blanche: “The point, I’m trying to make is your behaviour in this shoe thing is extreme, even for you. What is goin’ on?”
Sophia: “Well, Dorothy always makes me buy the same old-lady shoes, I never get anything new and exciting. It’s just another reminder of what old age takes away from you. First husbands, then cute shoes, what’s old age gonna take away from me next. Hey! Where’s my balloon??”

Rose: “My boss said he wanted to expose Angelo’s landlord for making him live under those terrible conditions, but Angelo wouldn’t give us his name.”
Sophia: “A Sicilian never squeals, never. Did you offer him money?”
Rose: “No!”
Sophia: “Never. He wouldn’t!”

Rose: “I’m not gonna rest, I’m not gonna sleep, I’m not gonna eat until I track that scum down.”
Dorothy: “Rose, I’m the scum.”

Rose: “Dorothy, isn’t this something? You’ve become what we in the news business call ‘a hot story.’”
Dorothy: “And you’ve become what we call in the revenge business, next.”

Stan: “Believe me she’s very bright, we were the only two in the bar who got the jokes on the cocktail napkins. Dorothy, I want you to meet our attorney Tracy. Tracy, this is Dorothy.”
Tracy: “Hi-dee-ho!!”
Dorothy: “Hi-dee-ho.”

Dorothy: “Uh, where did you go to law school?”
Tracy: “A whole bunch of places.”

Dorothy: “Wait a minute, you want me to live with him in the same apartment?”
Judge: “That’s right.”
Dorothy: “But there are bugs there, and they’ll think Stan is their leader!”

Dorothy: “For the last time, I am not getting you an electric golf cart, and that’s that!”
Sophia: “Hello, Wake Up Miami? The Big Mean Bug Lady - she’s at it again.”

Critique: Hi-dee-ho! Ok, so I don’t pretend to be an expert in the judicial system, but this has to be one of the weirdest plotted episode thus far. Dorothy is arrested for being a slumlord, WHILE THE NEWS STORY IS PLAYING OUT ON TV. It turns into a media frenzy and they have the most random “trial” I’ve ever seen, with witness accounts, that ends with the judge giving Stan and Dorothy the most bizarre sentence: to live in their own bug-infested building. I have so many questions? Is there a guard making sure they don’t escape? How was Stan able to run out and buy flowers and wine for Dorothy? Did Dorothy ever let him back in? And why did Blanche hook up with a guy in a laundry truck if she didn’t even want to date a pharmacist? Let’s be honest, this episode is all about Blanche popping Sophia’s shoe store balloon; it has become one of the most randomly memorable gags in the entire series (and one of the most popular gifs for birthday wishes on Facebook). Blanche’s horny shoe monologue is as legendary as it is dated. When was the last time you actually had help from a salesman when buying shoes? Speaking of shoes, how dark is Dorothy’s belt and shoelaces comment? But I digress. Yes this another one of those wacky season 7 episodes that really shows how much the writers were struggling to come up with good, meaningful story ideas, but I appreciate they’re strange go-for-broke attempt as well as the actual continuity here: let’s remember that Dorothy and Stan inherited that building way back in Season 6. This is also Uncle Angelo’s final appearance on the show. We’re getting to the end folks! GRADE: B