Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Girls Just Want to Have Fun… Before They Die S6E10

Synopsis: Rose and Sophia end up in hot water due to some bad dating advice from Blanche; aka the one where Blanche makes Sophia look like a 65 year-old drag queen.

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Dorothy: “My mother does not do that.”
Sophia: “Yes, I do. I've just been in dry dock. I'm back now. I'm suited up, Coach. Put me back in the game.”

Shady Pines, Ma
Dorothy: “She can't drink. It mixes with her medication.”
Sophia: “Beautifully!”
Blanche: “Aren't they adorable?”
Dorothy: “Yeah, seems like only yesterday I was putting her into the home.”

Lewd Ladies
Sophia: “Tony looks at me as a friend, as a companion.”
Dorothy: “Honey, nothing wrong with that.”
Sophia: “Yeah, but I'm picturing him naked, and I'm not laughing.”
Blanche: “If you want my advice, I think you should sleep with him.”
Sophia: “Done!”
Dorothy: “That is not what she wants.”
Rose: “Dorothy, the man came at her with a hose!”

Zbornak Zingers
Rose: “Blanche, I don't think you realize how powerful sex is. Once, Charlie and I actually did it till the cows came home. Of course, I was wearing a bell.”
Dorothy: “Of course. Hence the nickname ‘Dingdong.’”

Insult Watch
Sophia: “You got me into trouble, you got Rose into trouble. You'd get Dorothy into trouble if anyone was interested in her.”
Dorothy: “Wait a minute. Why, just the other day, that guy who works with our gardener, you know, the one with the leaf blower, told me that I looked nice with a little lilt in his voice and tried to blow my skirt over my head.”

Product Placement
Sophia: “Blanche made me do it.”
Dorothy: “What. Don't you have a mind of your own? If Gladys Goldfine told you to drink a whole bottle of Kaopectate, would you??”
Sophia: “Who blabbed?”

Sophia: “I just came by to pick up my MedicAlert bracelet. I believe I left it here last week.”
Tony Delvecchio: “I'm wearing it.”
Sophia: “That's dangerous.”
Tony Delvecchio: “No. It turns out we're both allergic to the same things.”

Sassy Sophia
Blanche: “Sophia, I'll bet with a few tips from me, you can have this guy Tony in bed in no time.”
Sophia: “That's good, because that's exactly how much time we have.”

Blanche: “Sophia, I told you never tell a man you love him first. That's a fatal mistake.”
Sophia: “I just wanted to hear someone say "I love you" to me one more time.”
Dorothy: “Oh, Ma. Would it make you feel better if I told you I love you?”
Sophia: “Yeah. All of a sudden, I feel like singing. Take me to a piano bar. I’m going to sleep. If Tony calls, tell him I faked it!”
Dorothy: “Ma!”
Sophia: “Well I did. Oh baby oh baby oh baby, oh please!”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “I just got a special-delivery letter from St. Olaf. Uh-oh, it's from the Department of Water and Coffee.”
Dorothy: “Coffee??”
Rose: “No, thanks. It makes me jumpy.”
Dorothy: “Rose, what does the letter say?”
Rose: “You read it, Dorothy. I need both hands to cover my ears in case it's bad news.”
Dorothy: “Dear St. Olafian, I'm afraid there's bad news.”
Rose [ears covered]: “What?”
Dorothy: “There's a drought in St. Olaf which threatens the crops.”
Rose: “Oh, no. I better send water!”
Dorothy: “Please do not send water. We have found that envelopes leak. Until the rains come, we ask that all citizens be celibate, except for Ulf the Umbrella King. He has suffered enough.”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “OK, but you have to listen to everything I say. When I say ‘jump,’ you say, ‘On who?’”

Blanche: “Now, if you hold Miles at bay, amazing things will start to happen. Oh he'll become more attentive, send you flowers. He'll be a prisoner of love, and you'll be the warden. And if you're interested, I have costumes for both of you to rent.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Rose: “What do I do if he wants to go back to his place?”
Blanche: “Tell him you have a lot of work you have to do at home.”
Rose: “I don't wanna lie.”
Blanche: “When you get home, we'll make ya clean out the garage.”
Rose: “Thanks, Blanche, I owe you one.”

Lesbian. Lesbian? LESBIAN??
Miles: “It's obvious you're trying to avoid any kind of intimacy. I mean like that place you dragged me to tonight. I-look, don't get me wrong. I enjoyed the evening of lesbian poetry but, look, Rose, to tell you the truth, it just wasn't the swell time I had in mind.”

What, We Can’t Learn From History?
Sophia: “Tony Delveccio is a dreamboat. I wouldn't mind glancing over at the night table and seeing his teeth next to mine.”
Dorothy: “Ma, please. I mean, it's probably silly, but I'm not that comfortable hearing about your romantic escapades with men.”
Sophia: “Then you're gonna hate this. I fantasize about him all day. Last night, I dreamed I was Joan of Arc, and he was coming at me with a hose.”
Dorothy: “Ma, maybe it was just a religious-experience dream.”
Blanche: “Did he put out the fire?”
Sophia: “Three times.”
Blanche: “Wow, the seldom-achieved Joan of Arc fantasy triple. Sophia, I hate you.”

What Do I Look Like, a Cross-Dresser?
Blanche: “All right, girls, I want to present Blanche Devereaux's latest creation. I took an 84-year-old woman and made her look like a 65-year-old drag queen. Then I said to myself, ‘Blanche, too much rouge.’”

Literary Intelligentsia
Rose: “I haven't had such bad advice since my drama teacher told me I'd be perfect for the lead in ‘The King and I.’”
Rose: “So stupid here shaves her head and doesn't get the part.”

The Boob Tube
“The truth is always the best.”
Dorothy: “That is very wise, Rose.”
Well, I don't want you to think I just made that up. I saw it this afternoon on TV when I was watching The New Lassie. You know, that's actually an interesting story. You see, the new Timmy was lost, and the new Lassie was trying to tell the new grandpa where he was, so the new Lassie— ”
Dorothy: “Rose, did I ever tell you that I cry every Tuesday? At 8:05. Excuse me.”

Golden Quotes
Sophia: “You know my motto - today could be the last day of the rest of the your life.”

Dorothy: “What makes you think you know everything about the opposite sex?”
Blanche: “Let the record speak for itself. I have had 143 relationships.”
Dorothy: “And no convictions.”

Rose, if you're gonna be my lump of clay, you gotta be a little bit smarter. When he asks you if you're seeing other men, just, just tweak his nose and say, ‘My, my, sir, I do believe you're jealous.”
Dorothy: “What about the vapors, Blanche? Shouldn't she be overcome by the vapors?”

Dorothy: “Now Ma, remember - don't do anything I wouldn't do.”
Sophia: “I think I crossed that line when I got a date.”

Tony Delvecchio: “Sophia, you look enchanting. If I wasn't such a gentleman, I'd try to ply you with wine and take advantage of you.”
Blanche: “There's a liquor store on the corner.”

Tony Delvecchio: “Where does a sweet Sicilian girl like you learn to do those things??
Sophia: “I live with a slut.”
Tony Delvechhio: “Thank her for me.”

Dorothy: “Ma, you slept with him, didn't you? Come over here. Look me in the eye.
Did you sleep with Tony Delveccio?”
Sophia [looking down]: “A little.”
Dorothy: “Ma!”

Blanche: “Sophia, tell me what happened.”
Sophia: “Same old story - girl meets boy, girl loses boy, girl can't remember her address, so cab just circles and circles and circles.”

Blanche: “Last chance, Rose. Better come go with me.”
Rose: “Oh, no. I'm too depressed to go to a firehouse.”
Blanche: “The invitation says I can bring a friend to the barbecue. Come on, Rose. They're firemen. After a couple drinks, they start to do CPR.”

Rose [answering the phone]: “Hello. Oh, Helgie. So what's going on in St. Olaf? I can't understand you, honey. Are you moaning? No, say it slowly. Oh, God, it's raining. Oh, Goddd, it's raining. Oh, God- Oh, God, it's raining!! Here, I've gotta get to Miles.”
Blanche [putting the phone up to her ear]: “Boy, it must be pourin.’”

Ok first things first. A) Blanche never told Sophia not to say “I love you” first B) why does it matter that Rose has to be celibate? Like Miles is gonna dump Rose because they can’t bone temporarily?? and C) How can I get a job at St. Olaf’s Department of Water and Coffee? But I digress. What a delightful cesspool of great GG lines in this one huh? Blanche is especially on fire here. So much so that you half expect Rose’s pyro sister Lily to show up. Even if the storylines mostly revolve around Rose and Sophia, it’s Blanche that gets so many great moments (ie, I say jump, you say “on who?”). But we can’t downplay how great Estelle is in this episode. The site gag of seeing Sophia come out all dolled up is one of the series’ most fun moments. And this episode is dirty dirty! Faking orgasms, moaning on the other end of the phone, etc, geez, the writers must have been horny AF. If Tony Delvecchio looks somewhat familiar and you don’t know how to Google or use imdb you might be interested to know that he’s played by Cesar Romero (the Joker from the 60s Batman TV series). It must have been fate because let’s not forget Sophia once dreamed of Cesar Romero in a loincloth in the Season 2 episode “Son-in-Law Dearest.” GRADE: A-

Thursday, April 12, 2018

Mrs. George Devereaux S6E9

Synopsis: Blanche’s late husband George returns with the news that he faked his death; and as if that isn’t weird enough Sonny Bono and Lyle Waggoner fight for Dorothy’s affection.

Musical Moments
Lyle Waggoner: “I'm so glad we had this time together/Just to have a laugh or sing a song/Yes, it's me.
Hey! Seems we just get started /And before you know it/Oh, go ahead, finish your meals!
Comes the time we have to say, ‘So long.’” [pulls ear]
Dorothy:“I hate it when he does that.”

Dorothy: [on the phone] “Look, I have to go. No, Sonny. No. All right, if I do it, will you hang up?
I got you babe/ I got you, babe/Babe.”

Let’s Get Political
Police Officer: “Lyle Waggoner? You're under arrest.”
Dorothy: “Arrest? What's the charge?”
Police Officer: “ Well I don't have time to list all of them, but he's a prime suspect in a major crime spree.”
Lyle Waggoner: “Where?”
Police Officer: “Palm Springs, California.”
Sonny Bono: “It's good to be mayor.”

…Until the Buffalo Pooped
Blanche: “OK, you can all come. But you have to promise me you won't do anything to embarrass me.”
Dorothy: “I promise.”
Rose: “Oh, I promise.”
Sophia: “I'll try, but if they serve me cauliflower it's in God's hands.”

Shady Pines, Ma
Dorothy: “If you need us, we'll be out on the lanai.”
Sophia: “And miss this? Like hell we will.”
Dorothy: “Shady Pines, Ma.”
Sophia: “You're bluffing.”
Dorothy: “The west wing.”
Sophia: “Right behind you.”
Dorothy: “Shady Pines, Rose.”
Rose: “This really shouldn't work on me.”

Lewd Ladies
Blanche: “I'm back to my old self. Blanche Devereaux has returned!”
Sophia: “Oh boy, strike up the gland!”

Picture It
Dorothy: “I wanted to tell you sooner, but, well, I was afraid that you might not believe me.”
Sophia: “And why should we, Miss Junior Prom 1946?”
Dorothy: “Ma, you promised.”
Sophia: “’Dating the quarterback,’ she says. Buys her own corsage, spends the evening hiding in the basement, slow-dancing with a rake. Would've gotten away with it, too, but while giving herself hickeys with a vacuum cleaner, she stepped into a puddle.”
Dorothy: “To most mothers, that would be a cry for affection. To you, it's just ammo.”

Sophia: “Picture it - Germany, 1922.”
Rose: “Germany? Were you on vacation, Sophia?”
Sophia: “Spy. Eh, it was a summer job. Anyway, while in Heidelberg, XQ-37 - that's me - meets a man of science. He gives me classified documents, I give him, well, a peek at the hinterland. It's an epic love till it falls to shambles in utter deception.”
Blanche: “He wasn't a man of science?”
Sophia: “He wasn't a man.”
Dorothy: “You're making this up, XQ! I can't believe that you were ever a spy.”
Sophia: “I can't believe I told you. Well, I guess I'm gonna have to kill you.”

Insult Watch
Sonny Bono: “Hi-ho, everybody. It's me, Sonny. Is Dorothy around?”
Blanche: “She's out on the lanai.”
Sonny Bono: “I suppose you're wondering why a man like Sonny Bono--”
Blanche: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. On the lanai!”
George: “Blanche, that is Sonny Bono. He's a major television star.”
Blanche: “Boy, you have been gone a long time.”

Lyle Waggoner: “So, who's it gonna be? Me or pizza man?”
Sonny Bono: “Oh, insults from Lyle Waggoner, huh? How many gold records do you have?”
Lyle Waggoner: “None. I was never married.”

Tales from the Old South
George: “Good God, you're as pretty now as the day we met. You remember that first day we met?”
Blanche: “The University Club Cotillion. Our eyes met and I knew you were the only man for me. So when it was ladies' choice, I sent my fiance off for some punch, and I strutted up to you and I said, ‘May I have this dance?’”
George: “And I said, ‘The pleasure would be all mine.’”
Blanche: “And I said, ‘I know it.’”

Product Placement
Blanche: “Oh, come on, Dorothy, how much trouble can I get into in a public place?”
Dorothy: “How soon we forget the Greyhound terminal incident.”

Sassy Sophia
Lyle Waggoner: “Yes, it's me. Lyle Waggoner. No autographs.”
Sophia: “No problem.”
Dorothy: “MA!”
Sophia: “If this is true, I'm rooting for Sonny - you know, the paisan. Besides, there's something about this guy that just honks me off.”

Sophia [referring to George]: “He's alive, all right. I poked him with a stick.”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “Someone was actually able to deceive me once.”
Sophia: “Do tell, Rose.”
Rose: “St. Olaf's most famous OB/MAG.”
Dorothy: “What's that?”
Rose: “Obstetrician/magician. The Amazing Shapiro. He delivered Bridget. But it was so confusing. ‘It's a girl! Now it's a dove! Now it's a glass of milk!’ I don't know how he got her in that deck of cards, but there she was, right after the King of Hearts. ‘Is this your baby?’”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Since the funeral, I've been with other men. Many, many men. I always felt like I was cheating on ya.”
George: “Oh, Blanche, every day I was gone, I always wished you'd find somebody who could make you happy. How-how how many men?”
Blanche: “Two.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Blanche: “I feel like I'm goin' insane. My life's been turned upside down.”
Rose: “Just so we're in sync, it's this husband-back-from-the-grave thing, right?”
Blanche: “Yes, you twit!”

Blanche: “George is back. He wants to get together. I don't know what to do.”
Rose: “Oh, pick Lyle! Pick Lyle! Oh, that's Dorothy's problem, isn't it?”

Lesbian. Lesbian? LESBIAN??
George: “I know I could've stayed and faced the music, but it's just this damn Southern pride. It's the same Southern pride that kept me from being a dancer.”
Blanche: “George, please, I've had enough surprises for one day.”

Sophia: “I told you, I heard voices in here, and-- [seeing Blanche and Dorothy in bed] Oh God, it's Dorothy! I tell you, she takes one tennis lesson!”

From Feud to Food
Sophia: “Sonny! Sweetheart! My little cannoli!”
Sonny Bono: “Sophia! Honey! My Mama Celeste!”
Lyle Waggoner: “Of course you remember me, Lyle Waggoner.”
Sophia: “Nah, I don't think I do.”

Literary Intelligentsia
Dorothy: “Last week, I didn't have anything to do one night - shut up, Ma. So I went to the dinner theater and I saw Lyle and Sonny in a production of Equus. Uh. Our six eyes met, Sonny fell into the orchestra pit, Lyle forgot his lines and went into Under the Yum Yum Tree. Except for the reviews, it was a magical night.”

The Boob Tube
Dorothy: “Lyle!”
Lyle Waggoner: “I hope I'm not intruding.”
Dorothy: “Not at all. What are you doing here?”
Lyle Waggoner: “Well, it's just that we did so many restaurant sketches on THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW. I was, uh, waxing sentimental.”

Golden Quotes
Rose: “Blanche, look at all these flowers!”
Sophia: “Oh my God. Who died? Did one of us die??”

Blanche: “What in hell is going on?”
George: “Well, I guess the best thing to do is just give it to you plain and simple. Blanche, I staged my death.”
Sophia: [eavesdropping] “He stained his desk?!”

Sonny: “Excuse me. I've had some experience in marital discord myself.”
Blanche: “Sonny Bono, get off my lanai.”

Dorothy: “Oh now this is ridiculous. Look, I do not want two grown men fighting over me.”
Sophia: “Pussycat, how many chances are you gonna get?”
Dorothy: “Proceed.”

Dorothy: “Sonny, I think that Lyle is the sweetest, kindest man I have ever met. And what you have done here is a totally underhanded, inexcusable abuse of power. Oh, Sonny, THE POWER.”

Dorothy: “Oh, Blanche, just out of curiosity, were they in the dream?”
Blanche: “As crazy about you as ever.”
Dorothy: “Oh. I'm sorry I'm laughing, but the idea of me with one of those two is just so silly”
Blanche: “You picked Sonny this time--”
Dorothy: “YES!”

Theory time! What exactly happened with Blanche during the “Greyhound terminal incident?” And what exactly goes on in the west wing of Shady Pines? But I digress. This episode is zany. It’s supposed to be zany. It’s all a freaking dream. The good ol’ sitcom reliable: “the dream episode.” Most sitcoms back in the 80s and 90s had them. At least The GG added a fun twist by not revealing that it was a dream until the end. Though, I’m not sure how the audience is supposed to buy into the fact that Sonny Bono and Lyle Waggoner are fighting over who gets to bone Dorothy but there you go. The episode really belongs to Blanche in what essentially amounts to “Let’s get Rue McClanahan another Emmy.” She does some terrific work here, but I always prefer slutty, funny Blanche, to melancholy, serious Blanche. The writing is as crisp as always, with some great lines, but not many outright classic ones. For what is basically a filler episode, it’s done surprisingly well. Anyways, so does George look familiar? It’s because the actor George Grizzard also played George’s brother Jamie in the Season 5 episode “That Old Feeling.” You can tell them apart because George has a mustache and Jamie does not. That is vital GG trivia right there. You heard it here first. GRADE: B+