Synopsis: Dorothy
assists Sophia with Meals on Wheels and then helps an agoraphobic
hippie named Jimmy; Rose tries to find out Blanche’s real age and
plan her a surprise birthday party.
Crazy Continuity
How do they not know
when Blanche’s birthday is? They already threw Blanche a surprise
party in the Season 2 episode “A Piece of Cake.”
Musical Moments
Jimmy: “Hey, let's
celebrate. Party time. [singing] The answer, my friend/Is
blowin' in the wind.”
Dorothy: “Jimmy.
Look, why don't we just save this as sort of a treat for later on,
hmm?”
Sophia: “Pussycat,
you're out of your league. There are some people you just can't help.
It's like the Good Lord said - ‘You gotta know when to hold 'em.
Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away.’”
Dorothy: “Ma,
that's not the Good Lord, that's Kenny Rogers.”
Sophia: “God,
Kenny Rogers. Tomato, tomah-to.”
That’s What She
Said
Sophia: “There are
only two things I look forward to each day, and both of them involve
yankin' a chain.”
Animal Alert
Sophia: “This is
Mrs. Taylor. You'll get along with her just fine. Two things: one,
compliment her cat, and two, Jews control the planet.”
Dorothy: “Got it.”
Sophia: “Oh, hi,
Fluffy. Lookin' good!”
Zbornak Zingers
Rose: “I have to
figure out which of the traditional St. Olaf party games to play at
Blanche's party-”
Blanche: “Party??
Is that why you've been sneaking around trying to find out my age? A
party? I forbid it!”
Rose: “Blanche, a
party is a celebration of life, and it's not just for you, but for
your friends who love you.”
Blanche: “No!”
Rose: “Stop being
so vain. You can't stay 42 forever.”
Blanche: “Yes, you
can. If you eat right, exercise regularly, and live with women who
look a lot older than you.”
Dorothy: “Tell me,
Rose, is, uh, ‘Kill the Bitch’ a traditional St. Olaf party
game?”
Insult Watch
Dorothy: “I have a
date.”
Sophia: “You call
that a date? Thyroid Freddie? His eyes bug right out of his head. He
looks like he's being choked.”
Dorothy: “Now stop
it. Freddie is a fine man. You know when he was younger, he could've
been an astronaut, except for, well, you know, that eye thing.”
Sophia: “I've been
working for this Meals on Wheels program, and I need a driver.
Please?”
Dorothy: “Oh, all
right, Ma. I'll cancel Banjo Eyes.”
Tales from the Old
South
Blanche: “The '60s
were an emotional time for all of us. I can still see Big Daddy
sitting on the porch swing, swilling down home brew, picking off
peaceniks with his BB gun. Oh, God, I miss that man.”
Dorothy: “Come on,
honey. I'm sure Grand Dragon - I mean, uh, Big Daddy is always with
you.”
Product Placement
Blanche: “It was
one of the best birthdays I have ever had. I did some soul-searching,
and it occurred to me that I'm a vibrant energetic woman. I mean I
must still have some life left in me if I can make Mel Bushman's head
snap back like that.”
Rose: “You mean
Old Pez Head?”
Sassy Sophia
Rose: “Has anybody
seen Blanche? She had a date last night, and this morning her bed's
all made and she's not even there.”
Sophia: “Wait a
minute. Here's our walking playground now. Boy, it must be true love.
This guy is slowing down to 5 miles an hour.”
Back in St. Olaf
Dorothy: “Oh, I
wish I could believe you, but, Rose, I have been there. I mean after
a while you feel you're just in this gigantic black hole.”
Rose: “We had a
gigantic black hole back in St. Olaf.”
Sophia: “Oh, God.”
Rose: “On Main
Street, right in front of the courthouse where Charlie and I got our
marriage license and our permit to have kids. Oh, it was a lovely
hole. Everybody in town would stand around and look in it.”
Dorothy: “And they
say Hollywood is the entertainment capital of the world.”
Rose: “Well, we
didn't just look in it. Sometimes we'd point, too. Or spit and time
it. Then there was always that wise guy who'd have a couple of drinks
and unzip himself and...”
Dorothy: “It's
official. I hate her.”
Best of B.E.D.
Rose: “You haven't
drowned yourself in young men since this time last year, when you
brought those twins home from the Jimmy Smits look-alike contest.”
Blanche: “Oh yeah,
Jorge and Esteban. Romantic, passionate, and virtually
interchangeable.”
Sweet,
Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Rose: “I can't
believe it. After all these years, we're finally gonna know. We're
gonna know the true age of Blanche Devereaux. ‘Deleted by authority
of the governor.’ Oh, they - These are all like that.”
Dorothy: “Rose,
you know what this means?”
Rose: “Yeah. She
must have really jumped on this guy's bandwagon.”
Dorothy: “You
almost got it, Rose.”
What, We Can't Learn
From History?
Dorothy: “Jimmy, I
just wanna make sure that you're OK. Do I have to play hardball?
David Dellinger.”
Jimmy: “Don't do
this to me.”
Dorothy: “Bobby
Seale.”
Jimmy: “It's
getting warm in here.”
Dorothy: “Tom
Hayden.”
Jimmy: “Oh, God,
you're good.”
Dorothy:
“Abbbbie...”
Dorothy Zbornak is
My Spirit Animal
Dorothy: “Just a
minute. You're not old, you're not ill. You're... no slave to
fashion. Why are you taking this food?”
Jimmy: “Well, I'm
hungry and I'm on the list. Who do you think you are?”
Dorothy: “Sergeant
Zbornak, Food Police!”
Literary
Intelligentsia
Sophia: “You're
not a shrink. Be careful. Don't let your ego get involved.”
Dorothy: “My ego
is not involved. Look, I'm nobody special, Ma. I'm just an average
citizen. I saw another citizen, and I reached out. A man changed his
life, and I'm just somebody who helped him do it. Me, Dorothy Zbornak
- Miracle Worker.”
Reel References
Blanche: “You
know, Sophia, this birthday thing kinda has me depressed as well. You
think you could help me, too?”
Sophia: “Sure. No
matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: you're old, you
sag, get over it.”
Blanche: “Sophia!”
Sophia: “So what
if you knew Jesus personally? Wake up and smell the coffee, you
fossil.”
Blanche: “My
mistake. I thought since you looked like Yoda, you were also wise.”
The Boob Tube
Sophia: “No Mrs
Taylor, it’s Flintstone not Flintstein.”
Golden Quotes
Sophia: “My heart!
My heart! Everything has gone black. I'm coming to you, Sallie!”
Dorothy: “Ma! Oh,
God! Oh, God. Oh, God! Hang on, Ma! Oh, please, please, hang on!”
Sophia: “All
right, but you have to do me a favor.”
Dorothy: “To the
moon, Ma!”
Dorothy: “Blanche,
what is going on? I mean, that guy's a little young, even for you.”
Blanche: “What are
you talkin' about? He's a mature young man with his own business.
Now, who wants to help me pick out five magazines?”
Dorothy: “You
know, I actually feel sorry for Blanche. Don't you, Ma?”
Sophia: “Who's Ma?
Who are you?”
Dorothy: “Just ask
the damn favor.”
Jimmy: “Get away!
Go over there. Move!”
Sophia: “OK, OK.
Take it easy. [to Dorothy] Who's the macadamia?”
Dorothy: “How
pathetic a person could live their life totally alone, devoid of
companionship or love. I wish I could do something.”
Sophia: “Start a
club.”
Dorothy: “I'm
sorry, Mrs. Ferguson. No, I didn't happen to see Ed Sullivan last
night, but I'm sure it was a good one. [slams door] She's ready,
God.”
Jimmy: “Boy, I'll
bet you've broken hundreds of hearts in your day, huh? Thousands?”
Dorothy: “Well,
yes I have.”
Jimmy: “I mean,
wherever you go, I bet you torment and tease and tantalize every man
you meet.”
Dorothy: “You're
right again.”
Blanche: “All that
birthday nonsense was just an exercise in vanity. And so today, for
the very first time, Blanche Devereaux is gonna reveal her true and
accurate age. Right after you tell me your weight.”
Rose: “119.”
Blanche: “42.”
Rose: “Coffee?”
Blanche: “Please.”
Dorothy: “What's
wrong?? I'll tell you what's wrong. I single-handedly ruined a man's
life today.”
Rose: “Which
hand?”
Dorothy: “THIS
HAND.”
Critique:
Sgt. Zbornak. Food. Police. It doesn't get much better than that, but I digress. Sometimes you just
forget how jam-packed full of outstanding lines an episode can be.
I’ve always enjoyed this episode even if the story is a tad
orthodox. Bea is particularly strong here as Dorothy gets so many
great moments. Martin Mull (you recognize him as Col. Mustard from
“Clue”) plays off Bea Arthur extremely well. When she’s huskily
listing off the Chicago Seven at his door, it’s simply delightful.
Sure it’s sort of weird that Jimmy’s storyline takes such center
stage to the point where Blanche and Rose feel sidelined throughout
the episode. Rose trying to throw Blanche a party feels shoehorned in
until the final moment when Jimmy unknowingly walks into a surprise
party. It’s a really fun and inventive way to bring the two stories
together. But let’s have a little fun and think about some of the
more ridiculously elements of this episode. Like, what the hell kind
of small supermarket has a “one millionth costumer” promotion
with a trip to mardi gras? I’ve never even seen a grocery story
with a turnstile. Was that guy with the microphone just sitting there
for days waiting for the millionth customer to walk through the door?
And how exactly did Jimmy know where to find Dorothy? I assume his
phone book was from the 60s. But I digress. This is a great
Dorothy-centered episode though everyone gets a moment to really
shine. And finally, despite what you think the title of this episode
references, Cher is nowhere to be found. GRADE: A-
