Synopsis: Dorothy finds herself dating a Beatlemania musician;
meanwhile, Blanche freaks out about a guy she’s dating who
won’t make a move.
Musical Moments
Dorothy: “She
loves you/Yeah, yeah, yeah/She loves you/Yeah, yeah, yeah”
Sophia: “’Yeah,
yeah, yeah,’ you call that music? ‘Hidy hidy ho,’ now that's
music.”
Don:
“She loves you”
Dorothy:
“Yeah, yeah, yeah”
Don:“She
loves you”
Dorothy:
“Yeah, yeah, yeah”
Don:“She
loves you”
Don
& Dorothy: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeaaaah”
Blanche, to Jerry:
“That's Dorothy. Really dodged a bullet, didn't you?”
Dorothy: “What can
you say about a show by an ex-fake-Beatle that began with I've Got to
Be Me and ended with Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting? What the hell
was that man doing up there?”
Rose: “Was it as
bad as that?”
Dorothy: “Had it
been a fight, they would've stopped it.”
Rose: “Did he do
any of his own material?”
Dorothy: “Oh, he
did his own material, all right. A Tribute to Dorothy. ‘Dot, Dot,
What a Girl I Got.’ The last words I heard as I sprinted to my car
were, ‘When we shower together, we don't have to turn on hot.’ I
guess I just feel a little silly right now. Could I have transferred
my love for The Beatles to this one man who plays a Beatle? Could I
have been so shallow as to have fallen in love with a persona,
and-and not the person? Oh Ma, I need support now. Please, honey, no
jokes, no I-told-you-so's.”
Sophia: “Of course
not, Dot. ‘Dot, I've gotta trot.’ Hey, listen to me. I'm a
Beatle.”
That’s What She
Said
Blanche: “Oh,
Sophia, do you know where any batteries are?”
Sophia: “Oh you
make me sick.”
Lewd Ladies
Rose: “Morning,
Blanche. How was your date last night?”
Blanche”“Ha! How
was my date last night? I woke up alone. That's how my date was last
night. He didn't open my car door. He did not escort me into the
restaurant, didn't pull out my chair, and then, when the check came,
he made me pay half the bill! What did I ever do to deserve that?”
Rose: “Sounds to
me like you put out before dinner again.”
Sassy Sophia
Jerry: “Hi, I'm
Jerry. Is Dorothy Zbornak here?”
Blanche: “Uh...
Uh...”
Sophia: “I'm
Dorothy Zbornak.”
Rose: “Sophia, you
stop that. You are not Dorothy Zbornak. I'm Dorothy Zbornak.”
Sophia: “All
right, all right, but I am a Petrillo, and I've been known to make
princes and kings leave their wives and palaces and dance the bossa
nova.”
Jerry: “Excuse me,
what does that mean?”
Sophia: “I think
it means today is placebo-pill day. I'm going to bed.”
Back in St. Olaf
Blanche: “Listen,
girls, don't one of you have a story about some man who wouldn't
sleep with you?”
Dorothy: “Golly, I
sure don't.”
Blanche: “Stop
it.”
Rose: “I have a
story, a story that'll end all stories.”
Dorothy: “Oh,
Rose, please.
Blanche: “All
right, but, honey, make it fast. Ten words or less.”
Rose: “All right,
but your curiosity is gonna be so piqued, you'll beg for more.”
Blanche: “Just
spit it out, Rose. When was it a man refused to sleep with you?”
Rose: “The time I
was radioactive.”
Blanche: “How
'bout you, Sophia?”
Sophia: “Well,
there was that time Warren Beatty passed up the chance to sleep with
me.”
Blanche: “So,
Rose, you say you were radioactive?”
Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Oh,
Jerry. Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. Come over here. Now, let me clear up any
confusion you might have. I don't want to be treated as your equal.”
Jerry: “You
don't?”
Blanche: “I want
to be treated a lot better than you. I mean, really. Like a goddess
who likes to go bar hopping.”
Dorothy Zbornak is
My Spirit Animal
Dorothy: “Look,
Blanche, are you gonna do this or not? Because my date is on his way
over, and I just won a ticket on the radio to a dinner theater
Beatlemania. Shut up, Ma.”
Rose: “Beatlemania?
You're giving up a date for Beatlemania??”
Dorothy: “Oh,
Rose, the Beatles were the first and only rock-and-roll group that I
ever really loved. When they came to Shea Stadium, I managed to get a
ticket, but one of my kids came down with the flu. It was one of
those times when you have to pretend that you love your kids more
than something you really wanna do.”
The Boob Tube
Blanche, playing
with the remote: “Huh. I wonder how this thing works. Oh, just like
The Jetsons. Now, let's just sit ourselves down here and have a
little bubbly. You know what goes great with champagne? Me.”
Golden Quotes
Jerry: “I'm
supposed to meet a Dorothy Zbornak at this address at 7:30 for a
dinner date. So which one of you really is Dorothy Zbornak?”
Blanche: “I am
Dorothy's best friend, Blanche. I'm filling in for her because she's
dead.”
Dorothy: “Ma, Don
plays George in Beatlemania.”
Don: “And Paul
when Ernie's sick.”
Sophia: “Well,
good for you. Dorothy? What the hell are you doing with this loser?”
Dorothy: “Ma, he
is not a loser. He's a wonderful and gifted musician. I know this
sounds odd, but when he was on stage, our eyes met and it was.. well,
it was, it was kismet. Suddenly, we were spiritually-connected soul
mates.”
Don: “And then you
threw your underwear at me, didn't you, love?”
Sophia: “I can't
believe you. Are you actually standing here, telling your own mother
you had sex with a complete stranger?”
Dorothy: “No, but
it was an incredible simulation.”
Dorothy: “Girls, I
have great news. I finally convinced Don to quit Beatlemania. Isn't
that wonderful?”
Sophia: “Dorothy,
you're 60 years old and breaking up fake rock-and-roll bands. I want
you to think about that.”
Dorothy: “Ma, will
you stop it? Thanks to me, Don can now perform his own songs. Do you
know what that makes me?”
Sophia: “Yoko
Zbornak?”
Dorothy: “His
muse. His muse. Well, actually, his old lady.”
Sophia: “Don't you
think I know what this is all about? It's about that British Invasion
that's been going on in your bedroom.”
Blanche: “Girls, I
have a question, a vital question. I want you to think long and hard
before answering. Am I ugly?”
Sophia: “Yes.”
Blanche: “I mean,
I've always thought of myself as ravishing, but is something
changing? Is there, is there, all of a sudden, something disgusting
and unattractive about me??”
Sophia: “Yes.”
Blanche: “Now, you
cut it out, you old worm woman.”
Rose: “What are
you looking for, Blanche?”
Blanche: “Batteries.
You know, I bought one of those subliminal self-esteem tapes, but my
batteries are dead.”
Rose: “Oh, you
don't need those trendy tapes, Blanche. You know what I do when I
need a shot of self-esteem?”
Blanche: “Yeah,
you put on that dopey ‘It's okay to be me’ sweatshirt, go lock
yourself in the bathroom, and then, like a moron, kiss yourself silly
in the mirror.”
Rose: “And I guess
I'll be back in there again tonight.”
Dorothy: “I am
home, dear, dear friends. What a glorious night!”
Blanche: “Dorothy
Zbornak, I just hate you. There you go again, rubbing it in, how I'm
having a sex drought and you're having a bumper crop.”
Dorothy: “And I'm
expecting more rain.”
Rose: “Blanche,
think about it. Would it really be so bad if you and Jerry just had a
platonic relationship?”
Blanche: “Rose, I
already have friends I don't have sex with: You guys.”
Jerry: “My God,
Blanche, this bed is vibrating.”
Blanche:“It better
be at these prices.”
Blanche: “Wait,
Jerry. Wait. There's been a mistake. I had no idea what kind of place
this was, I swear.”
Motel worker: “Ms.
Devereaux, nice to see you again.”
Blanche: “I am
nothing but a cheap tawdry slut.”
Rose: “Don’t
tell me, is it Blanche??”
Don: “Hello love.”
Rose: “Dorothy
isn't here, Don.”
Don: “Well,
actually, I was looking for you. I was wondering if you might want to
have a spot of dinner with me.”
Rose: “Oh, I don't
think so. I have a boyfriend.”
Don: “Oh. Did I
mention Ernie's sick, and I'll be playing Paul this week?”
Rose: “Well, maybe
just some coffee.”
Critique:
So,
if Don plays Paul when Ernie’s sick, then who the hell plays
George? But I digress. More
importantly, read this line of dialogue out-loud: “The time I was
radioactive.” I have so many questions. This is the one
St. Olaf story that actually sounds remotely interesting and yet we never get to hear it. Tragedy, such a tragedy. Instead we get Dorothy
singing “She Loves You Yeah Yeah Yeah” twice,
(thank God not thrice) because it was probably all the producers
could afford at the time. I really think this Beatlemania plotline
existed only so the writers could make that Yoko Zbornak joke, one of
the episode’s funniest moments. So yeah, for the wacky 7th
season does this actually feels like a more grounded episode? Who else is impressed that Dorothy was able to get her underwear off in the
middle of a dinner theater without anyone noticing? I don’t think
anyone really lists this episode as being one of their go-to watches
but it has some decently funny moments. Blanche’s storyline about
dating a man who makes her question her entire sexual existence is
fine if underwhelming. The scene at that goofy sex
motel is certainly a
highlight including the sight of Blanche lunging herself at Jerry to that tribal music. But
of course the most memorable moment of Dorothy’s Beatlemania story
is of course “Dot Dot what a girl I got.” And of course Sophia
has gotta trot. The less
said about the episode’s dialed up to 11 corny ending the better.
GRADE: B+
