Musical Moments
Dorothy: “Well, I
did once do a production of ‘Showboat’ in high school, and
everyone said I was pretty good.”
Sophia: “No one
can sing ‘Old Man River’ like my Dorothy.”
Frank: “Then
you're saying you'll do it?”
Dorothy: “Well, it
is my production, and as they say, ‘The show must go on.’”
Sophia: “Aw,
Pussycat. It'll be like the old days. Come on, just one more time.”
Dorothy:
“Get a little drunk and you land in ja-aaaaaaaaail... I still
got it!”
Rose, as Henny
Penny: “A piece of blue sky just fell on my head/The wherefore
and why is best left unsaid/But I have a hunch and it's
appalling/That like it or not, the sky is falling!”
Blanche,
as Goosey Loosey: “A piece of up there just landed down
here/You better beware, the message is clear/
Rose
& Blanche: “Though millions may find the prospect
galling/It's run for your life, the sky is falling!”
Dorothy,
as Turkey Lurkey: “A piece of blue sky just did what they
said/Don't stand there and sigh/Get under the bed
Rose,
Blanche, & Dorothy: “Don't stop to complain, it's no
good grumbling/‘Cause this isn't rain, the sky is crumbling”
All:
“A piece of blue sky Just fell on her head/The wherefore and why
are best left unsaid/But we have a hunch, and it's appalling/That
like it or not, the sky is falling”
Rose:
“Help! Disaster is near”
Blanche:
“Help! We're tremblin' with fear”
Dorothy:
“Help. The outlook is drear”
All:
“We're dreadin' Armageddon may disrupt our career/And though he may
refuse the news we bring/We must fly and try to warn the king”
Frank,
as Foxy Loxy: “A piece of good luck just fell in my
lap/Three strangers who cluck, well, it's their mishap/These friends
who dropped in don't look suspicious/But check out my grin, they look
delicious/To me these feathered fools are so much meat I and mine
shall dine/Bon appetite”
Animal Alert
Rose: “All right,
all right, I'll do it. And not just for the kids. I just feel it's
time I gave something back to the chicken community. After all, a
chicken once saved my life.”
Blanche: “They are
the stupidest birds.”
Lewd Ladies
Dorothy: “You
know, I'm actually looking forward to spring break this year.”
Sophia: “College
kids. America's best and brightest are coming to town. It'll be nice
to get mooned again.”
Picture It
Dorothy: “Here's a
letter for you from Palermo.”
Sophia: “Oh, it's
the latest chess move from my old rival Serafina Gambrotsi.”
Dorothy: “Ah, how
long has this chess game by mail been going on? What, it must be ten
years now, huh?”
Sophia: “And it's
going to keep on going until I beat Serafina at something.”
Dorothy: “What are
you talking about?”
Sophia: “Picture
it. Sicily, 1920. Serafina and I were both crazy about Marco the Goat
Boy. In appearance, an Adonis. In behavior, horny as a toad. Little
did I know he had a thing for hairy fat girls. If I were fatter and
hairier, Dorothy, Marco the Goat Boy could've been your father.”
Dorothy: “I think
we all grieve. Ma, that was 70 years ago. I was sure you'd
forgotten.”
Sophia: “I forget
nothing. So, any mail?”
Sophia [narrating]:
“Once upon a time on a beautiful spring day, Henny Penny was waking
up from a nap under an oak tree when an acorn fell from the tree and
hit her on the head. Funny, when I was a little girl in Sicily and
they told this story, it was a safe that fell on her head.”
Insult Watch
Sophia: “You'd be
perfect. Turkey Lurkey was your nickname in high school.”
Dorothy: “Ma, it
was not.”
Sophia: “Really?
That's what they called you at the PTA.”
Sophia [narrating]:
“And off they went. On their way, Henny Penny and Goosey Loosey
came upon Turkey Lurkey. Yes, poor lonely Turkey Lurkey. Poor
dateless, hopeless, self-basting –”
Dorothy: “Ma!”
Product Placement
Blanche: “Well,
they printed the retraction.”
Dorothy: “Let me
see it… wait, I can't find it.”
Blanche: “Of
course you can't. It's way down at the bottom in itty-bitty type.”
Dorothy: “Ah. Our
ad in yesterday's paper should have read 'Sit Well Cortisone Salve
Prevents Hemorrhoids, ' not 'Presents Hemorrhoids.’”
Blanche: “Below
that.”
Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “78. Yes!
64. Yes! 81. Yes!”
Dorothy: “Ma, what
are you doing?”
Sophia: “Reading
the obituaries and checking out the people who died younger than I am
now. 83. Close one.”
Back in St. Olaf
Dorothy: “How
would you like to play Henny Penny?”
Rose: “Well, I
have enjoyed playing a hen in the past.”
Dorothy: “Fill us
in. Parade, honeymoon or religious ceremony?”
Rose: “Theater.
The St. Olaf Masquers' production of Hamlet.”
Dorothy: “I don't
right off recall a hen in Hamlet.”
Rose: “Oh we set
the play in a barnyard. Luckily the symphony was out of town at the
time.”
Blanche: “As Big
Daddy used to say, ‘I'm feeling lower than the rent on a burnin'
building.’”
Rose: “That's
funny. I used to live in a burning building. And it was cheap. It was
Charlie's and my first house. Well, scoff if you must, but it was
warm and toasty. I'll never forget Charlie throwing me over his
shoulder and dashing across the threshold. Oh it was a beautiful
place. Three bedrooms, two baths. Then two bedrooms and one bath.
Eventually we outgrew the place.”
Rose: “All I'm
trying to say is we had fairy tales in St. Olaf that weren't violent,
and they had positive role models. Like ‘Gus and the Recliner;’
‘Gunilla Gets a Catalog;’ and ‘Ilsa, the Girl Who Could Make
Bad Food Good.’”
Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Oh my
gosh. It's only one week till spring break? And I have so much to do.
I have to get new T-shirts for the wet T-shirt contest...”
Blanche: “Well,
Frank Nann. I haven't seen you since that weekend in Pensacola.”
Frank: “Goosey
Loosey!”
Blanche: “That's
right. We did have fun, Squeezy Wheezy.”
Sweet,
Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Frank: “Where are
we going to find an adult with the childlike naivety to play Henny
Penny?”
Rose: “Oh, you're
not gonna believe it. I just saw a cloud that looked exactly like a
cotton ball.”
Frank: “My God,
she is Henny Penny.”
From Feud to Food
Frank: “Can I take
it then that you will play Henny Penny?”
Rose: “I'm your
chicken.”
Sophia: “Great,
I'll set the oven for 425.”
Literary
Intelligentsia
Dorothy: “We're
doing Henny Penny. You know, ‘Help, help! The sky is falling.’”
Blanche: “Oh, that
was never one of my favorites. There's no prince in it. I like a
fairy tale with a nice prince in it. A handsome prince with a big ol'
codpiece and deep dark eyes and powerful thighs and muscles rippling
beneath his tunic.”
Dorothy: “Blanche,
you could get aroused by Humpty Dumpty.”
Blanche: “Are you
kiddin'? ‘All the king's horses and all the king's men.’ Handsome
men with deep dark eyes and powerful thighs and muscles and big ol'
codpieces.”
Dorothy: “Blanche,
how do you make it through an omelet?”
Dorothy: “Fairy
tales just show kids how complicated life can be, and it does it on
their terms.”
Blanche: “I
remember when I first read Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, it had a
profound influence on me. Seven lonely men, livin' in the woods,
needin' a woman. All of 'em with Napoleon complexes, somethin' to
prove.”
Dorothy: “And
jobs, Blanche. They all had jobs.”
Blanche: “In a
diamond mine.”
Golden Quotes
Dorothy: “I'm
talking about my school's project to get kids to read during spring
vacation. We're putting on a series of plays based on favorite
children's stories. And guess what. I have just been made producer of
the first-grade production.”
Blanche: “This is
all you have, Dorothy, so I'm going to be happy for you.”
Sophia: “You're
dead. You must be. It says so in the paper.”
Blanche [reading]:
“Blanche Devereaux. Age 68. (gasps) 68??”
Dorothy: “Oh,
that's terrible. They're almost as far off on your age as you are…”
Blanche: “68! Can
you believe that? 68!”
Dorothy: “And
dead. Don't forget dead.”
Blanche: “68.”
Dorothy: “And
dead.”
Blanche: “What are
people gonna think?”
Sophia: “They’ll
think it’s time to elect a new town slut.”
Dorothy: “Rose,
you mean you didn't even look at the end of the play until today?”
Rose: “If there's
one thing I remember about my wedding night, it's Charlie telling me
it's impolite to peek.”
Dorothy: “Rose,
the play isn't real. It's a fairy tale. Not all stories end happily,
and children have to learn that.”
Rose: “You call
yourself a teacher? It's people like you who are responsible for all
the evil on this planet.”
Dorothy: “I guess
I had that coming.”
Delivery man:
“Flowers for Blanche Deverucks.”
Dorothy: “No,
that's Devereaux. It's only pronounced Deverucks in
limericks.”
Sophia [reading from
Mel’s card to Blanche]: “P.S. Sorry I missed your birthday. Happy
68th.”
Blanche: “It
doesn't say that.”
Sophia: “I know. I
made that part up.”
Dorothy: “Ma, why
are you always trying to aggravate everyone?”
Sophia: “To
relax.”
Sophia [narrating]:
“And off she went. On her way, Henny came upon Goosey Loosey, one
of the most popular birds in the barnyard.”
Blanche: “THE most
popular!”
Sophia: “And the
eighth graders are seeing a play today about how to be that
popular... safely.”
Rose: “Fine. But I
just want you all to know there are monsters living under all your
beds!”
Sophia: “Uh-oh. I
don't think Serafina's a worthy opponent for me anymore.”
Rose: “Why not,
Sophia?”
Sophia: “I'm
afraid she's losing it. I just got her next chess move. She bid four
spades.”
Critique:
First
of all, what the hell kind of name is Chugger Dietz? Who names their
kid that? I just assume it’s a college nickname from
his frat brothers and it stuck.
But I digress. Two thirds of this episode is just funny fodder before they get the girls into ridiculous outfits. As Dorothy would say, “I can dig
it.” The Henny Penny episode is either a love it or hate it affair.
I fall in line with the former as I’ve always quite enjoyed
watching the crazy bird antics of the film’s ridiculously stupid
school play (but I always
fast-forwarded past that Foxy Loxy drip).
But who am I to judge
because the kids loved the play: “It was good. Especially Turkey
Lurkey.” Raves. I mean I do love Sophia breaking the fourth wall and making inappropriate STD jokes in front of first graders. This finale
is the epitome of the silliness that is the sixth season of The
Golden Girls. At this point the show was beyond really clever writing
and story lines; the audience just wanted to see the ladies do silly
stuff, which this episode delivers in spades. The four lead
characters had been perfectly fleshed out and they were obviously
comfortable in their roles. Except for Bea Arthur who wanted out at
this point. I image she went something like this: “I am goddam Bea
Arthur! And you have me parading around in a turkey outfit?? Eat me!
Next season is my last!” I mean Dorothy was basically a punching
bag for 7 years though Bea handled it wonderfully. Speaking of which,
is anyone else fascinated
with the various nicknames that Dorothy collected as a young person?
Moose in elementary school and Turkey Lurkey in high school. I wonder
what they called her in middle school? Kids
and parents can be so cruel. GRADE: A-
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| Happy Thanksgiving! |
For consideration: George Hearn was channeling his Sweeney Todd as Foxy Loxy when he cried "Bon appetite!"
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