Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Never Yell Fire in a Crowded Nursing Home Parts 1 and 2 S6E24/25


Synopsis: A detective arrives to inform Sophia that she may be responsible for Shady Pines having burned down, so they do what anyone would do in this situation, stroll down memory lane. 

90s Flashback
Detective Parres: “Mrs. Petrillo, where were you on the night of September 4th, 1985?”
Sophia: “Did you see Awakenings? Throw a ball at me. How the hell should I know? I don't even remember what color underwear I'm wearing.”

Musical Moments
Herb: “If you think of anything else, please give me a call. I have to be at the courthouse at a quarter to three.”
Sophia: “There's no one in the place, except you and me. That's what we were singing that night. We were having a couple of Nyquil shooters and singing ‘One For My Baby.’ I remember.”

That’s What She Said
Herb: “It might take a couple of hours, so relax and get comfortable.”

Shady Pines, Ma
Dorothy: “Now think back. Shady Pines. What was the last thing that you remember before that fire?”
Sophia: “Meat loaf. Nine days in a row.”

Lewd Ladies
Herb: “...let's not forget there still has to be a trial, and Mrs. Heartgrove's confession is pretty strong. I just wish we had something that reflected on her credibility.”
Sophia: “What if we had a video of her and a friend mooning a hot dog vendor?”
Herb: “That would totally discredit her.”
Sophia: “Wait a minute. I just remembered who the friend was. Can't use it. Moving on.”

Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: “Herb, I'm aware of how important it is to make a good impression in court. Tell me, what do you think would move the jury more - cleavage or a lot of leg?”
Dorothy: “That depends on what you're going for - a chuckle or a guffaw.”

Insult Watch
Sophia: “They colorized him. Can you believe it? Let the man rest. He's got hair the color of Rose's and more rouge than Blanche.”
Blanche: “Whatever you think she did, she's guilty. I saw her.”

Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “So this is life on the outside. It's changed. You've all gotten so old.”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “It's a terrifying prospect to think about. Prison. The coldness of it, the steel bars, the wedges of cheese hanging overhead, tantalizingly just out of reach.”
Dorothy: “Let me guess - St. Olaf County Jail?”
Rose: “And deli.”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “My life is more than just sex and food. I take care of this house. Why, just the other day we had a leak, and the gas man came out. Oh, no, wait a minute. I guess that falls under sex.”
Rose: “And you did fix him a sandwich afterwards.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Herb: “Blanche, I think a conservative ensemble is in Sophia's best interest.”
Rose: “Oh, there'll be music?”

From Feud to Food
Sophia: “Nonsense. I don't even know what s'mores are.”
Rose: “You remember, Sophia. They're those little toasted graham cracker and chocolate sandwiches.”
Sophia: “With marshmallow. Don't forget the marshmallow. Whoops.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Rose: “Dorothy, can we look in on Sophia, too?”
Blanche: “She is like a mother to us.”
Dorothy: “I think she'd like that. Here's the key.”

What Do I Look Like, a Cross-Dresser?
Blanche: “Well, Sophia, how's it feel to be home?”
Sophia: “I feel like a free man.”
Rose: “Well, you didn't actually go to jail.”
Sophia: “OK, forget the free part. I feel like a man. I missed two estrogen shots, and I'm dying for a thick steak smothered in onions, a tall cold one, then going out and picking up a couple-”

Literary Intelligentsia
Rose: “Well, all's well that ends well.”
Blanche: “What?”
Rose: “It's a title of a Shakespeare play.”
Blanche: “Well Rose, nothing is well, and nothing has ended. Sophia's out on bail, awaiting her trial.”
Rose: “Well, if Dorothy had said it, you'd think it was brilliant.”

Reel References
Sophia: “I've got nothing to hide, copper. Or do you prefer flatfoot or gumshoe?”
Dorothy: “Before my mother lost it completely, she watched a lot of James Cagney.”

Golden Quotes
Dorothy: “Did you and Miles have fun last night?”
Rose: “Oh, yes. We had dinner at the Mandarin Rathskeller, that new Chinese-German restaurant.”
Dorothy: “How was it?”
Rose: “Oh, the food was good. But an hour later, Miles and I were both hungry. For power!”

Blanche: “Girls, this is Herb Shrewsbury, our lawyer.”
Sophia: “So, what are my chances, shyster? Or do you prefer ambulance chaser?”
Dorothy: “Ma, he's here to help you. Are you nuts?”
Sophia: “If it helps.”

Dorothy: “Ma won't come out of her room. She's miserable.”
Rose: “Just to keep me up to speed, Dorothy - it's this negligent arson rap and the prospect of her spending the rest of her waning years in jail thing, right?”
Dorothy: “No, it's the Rose in the kitchen thing.”

Rose: “Those stories made me hungry.”
Blanche: “They made me horny.”
Dorothy: “I'll tell you what. Why don't we call the pizza guy?”
Blanche: “See, we both win.”

Blanche: “I've been thinking about what we should do in case they do send Sophia off.”
Dorothy: “What, appeal?”
Blanche: “No, a party, a prison party. I made a list of all the men we should invite. And we'll be like the judges. I sentence you to ten minutes with me on the lanai. See, some can be convicts and some can be guards... What are you looking at?”
Dorothy: “I just cannot believe how much you think about men!”

Blanche: “Hey, I have an idea. Let's have a getting-out-of-prison party. See, everybody can pretend they've been locked up for about three years and they have all this pent-up sexual energy. Everybody's all pumped up because all you ever do in prison is lift weights, so we'll get all those muscle guys with homemade tattoos... What are you looking at?”

Sophia: “Can I tell you something, Pussycat?”
Dorothy: “What?”
Sophia: “I've never been so scared. Not so much of jail. It was not being here with all of you. Only seeing you for ten minutes a day on visitors' day. That's not enough time for Rose to get one of her St.
Olaf stories off the runway. All I'm trying to say is, maybe you're not much, but you're all I've got. Am I crying, Pussycat?”
Dorothy: “No, Ma.”
Sophia: “I guess it wasn't as touching as I thought.”

Critique:
Does anyone else have a strange desire to see Sophia and her friend mooning a hot dog vendor? Not in a pervy way. I mean I just have so many questions. Like, who the hell filmed it? Did Shady Pines let them out to walk around and get lunch from street vendors? Ok, nevermind, moving on. Ah the dreaded clip show rears its ugly head once again. This is probably one the better ones because the wrap around storyline is utterly ridiculous even by season 6 standards. I mean first off, Sophia’s friend is such a bitch for confessing on her deathbed that she started the fire (even though it was probably Lily). They must have been pretty close if they went mooning together and baked s’mores together. And besides, if the fire inspector was “on the take,” ie corrupt, and the place really burned down because of bad wiring then who exactly took the rap six years earlier? But I digress. I’m not sure how the prospect of Sophia possibly being sent to jail for negligent arson is a reason to stroll down memory lane but our ladies do it anyways. And those moments, of course, are as funny as always. At least this time there are some decent moments in-between the “hey remember when...” segues. Blanche’s prison party idea is a hoot and at the end of the day I wish that had actually been the plotline instead of wasting two full episodes with one of the most random and anti-climatic stories yet. I’d like to think this was just filler while the ladies were preparing for their Henny Penny season finale… GRADE: B-



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