Thursday, April 11, 2019

Dateline: Miami S7E7

Synopsis: After Dorothy leaves for the evening on a date, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia reminisce about bad past dating experiences.

90s Flashback
Dorothy: “Well, I'm off. If you need something to keep you occupied tonight, Rose, why don't you take out a good book and see if you can find Waldo?” [evil laugh]
Rose: “I've never liked her.”

Musical Moments
Dorothy: “Heaven, I'm in heaven/And my heart beats so that I can hardly... What are you all looking at?”
Blanche: “You. What are you so happy about?”
Sophia: “If I know my Dorothy, there's only one thing that makes her this happy.”
Rose: “You're going back to Shady Pines??”
Sophia: “No, you moron. She has a date.”

St. Olaf Vocab
Rose’s date, John: “May I recommend the The Poulet Veronique?”
Rose: “John, I have a rule. If I can't pronounce it, I don't put it in my mouth. Say, do they have gougenflucter?”

That’s What She Said
Rose: “Hi, fellas. Here's something you two can nibble on.”
Blanche: “And we brought you some hors d'oeuvres too.”

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Blanche: “Besides, it's bad luck if you don't get kissed at midnight. Why, my New Year's Eve kiss is the most important one of the whole year. It sets the tone for the next 365 days. One year I didn't get kissed at midnight on New Year's Eve, I didn't get lucky till after the Orange Bowl.”

Lewd Ladies
Blanche [looking through her sex box]: “Your first time should be really special. You need a woman who won't make you nervous or put unrealistic demands on you. A woman who'll be tender and kind and gentle... Where the heck is that riding crop?”

Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: “But I've been disrobing in front of Dr. Kagan for three years. Why would he ask you out when he's seen the promised land?”
Dorothy: “I really don't know. Too many squatters?”

Picture It
Sophia: “Now, sit back and listen, I got a jerk story. Picture it. Brooklyn, 1948. My friend's son was helping me out around the house. I was expecting Dorothy home from the library any minute.” [Sophia proceeds to tell the story about how she found out Dorothy got pregnant]

Insult Watch
Rose’s date, John: “Susan, uh, Susan, please. Uh, this is not the time or the place.”
Susan: “It's me, isn't it? I've driven you away. What if I dyed my hair? [Looking at Rose] I'd even dye it that color. If they still make that color.”

Rose: “So, uh, where are you guys from? I think I detected an accent.”
Arnie: “What does it matter? Life is just one bottomless pit of muck and despair.”
Rose: “Let me guess. New Jersey?”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “So you could imagine how relieved Farmer Gunlinger was when he looked up and saw it wasn't his cow up in that tree. [Arnie sobs] Arnie, what - what's the matter?”
Arnie: “The cow story. My wife's name was Elsie.”

Best of B.E.D.
Dorothy: “You're just jealous about the fact that I have a date on a Saturday night and you don't.”
Blanche: “Saturday night? Kids' stuff. Get lucky on a Tuesday morning, then call me.”
Dorothy: “I guess I'm just not attracted to crossing guards.”
Blanche: “Dorothy, a guy sets a folding chair up in front of my house, I wanna know more.”

Rose: “Well, if being kissed is all you care about, why didn't you just stay at the Rusty Anchor?”
Blanche: “Oh, it was too crowded.”
Rose: “They threw you out again, didn't they?”
Blanche: “Like I'm the only person who ever mixed a margarita in a sailor's mouth.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Rose: “I had just moved to Miami, I was very vulnerable, and I did something that I I guess was a little dumb.”
Sophia & Blanche: [sarcastically] “Noooo.”

Literary Intelligentsia
Rose: “Is that true, Dorothy? Do you have a date tonight?”
Dorothy: “Rose, I mean, that's an awfully personal question to- YES!”
Blanche: “Oh, good God. Dorothy Zbornak has a date on a Saturday night and Blanche Devereaux does not? That sounds like an idea for a Stephen King book.”

Reel References
Waiter: “Well, well, Peter. We just swing the way the wind blows, don't we? And who's this? Glinda, the Good Witch of the North? You disgust me. After the way you've treated me, I should scratch your eyes out. Call me.”
Rose’s date, John: “Poker buddy.”

Golden Quotes
Dorothy: “It so happens I'm having dinner with Dr. Lee Kagan, a medical corporation.”
Blanche: “Not our Dr. Kagan? The Dr. Lee Kagan I love more than life itself?”
Rose: “Dr. Kagan?? Hubba-hubba-zing-zing, baby he's got everything!”

Rose’s date John: “Rose, maybe I shouldn't say this, because some day I hope to be a Supreme Court Justice, but you are quite a babe.”

Rose’s date, John: “Believe me, this is not what it seems. John Patrick Anderson is a regular guy.”
Police officer: “Shlomo Ziegler?”
Rose’s date, John: “Yes?”
Police officer: “You're under arrest. Your days as the Freeway Flasher are over.”

Sophia: “I can't believe my pussycat's been out with that guy for three hours. I'm getting worried. Maybe I should call the police. Nah, he's probably okay.”

Rose: “How could you do this to me, Blanche? You knew I wanted to spend tonight alone.”
Blanche: “Rose, nobody who says they wanna be alone on New Year's Eve ever really means it.”
Rose: “I did.”
Blanche: “Well, you're a freak.”

Rose: “Come on, Arnie, I wanna show you the answer to a riddle. What's Irish and stays out all night?”
Arnie: “I don't know. What, Rose?”
Rose: “Paddy O'Furniture.”

Blanche: “Let me get this straight. Um. You've never... Never, ever?”
Bob: “Not once.”
Blanche: “Have you even thought about it?”
Bob: “Only... all the time. To be honest, I've never even seen a naked lady.”
Blanche: “So what we're saying here is, you're a virgin?”
Bob: “A virgin.”
Blanche: “Oh God. This brings out the artist in me.”

Blanche: “Gosh, it's gettin' late. I bet it's after 1:00 and Dorothy's not home. I guess Dr. Kagan's turning out to be wonderful.”
Rose: “Or maybe he drugged her and sold her into white slavery.”
Sophia: “Either way, I'm glad she's out of the house.”

Critique: Is it just me or is this episode seriously lacking in, oh, BEA ARTHUR?? At this point the writers and producers knew that this would be the final season because Bea wanted out and it’s as if they decided to write an entire episode around the fact that Dorothy was not present to see what would happen. And like a table with only three legs the whole thing collapses. The three segments – which are “flashbacks” but not from previous episodes – are fine in their own right, but the fact that they are Bea-less is obvious. The first segment finds Rose on a date with a guy who keeps running into people he’s apparently still dating including women who keep making fun of Rose’s hair color and a flamboyant waiter. It’s an amusing scene but kind of silly and forgettable. At least it gave us the name Shlomo Ziegler. The second segment is great, with lots of quotable lines, especially from Blanche who brings home a pair of brothers after getting kicked out of The Rusty Anchor on New Year’s Eve (for mixing a margarita in a sailor’s mouth). She pairs up with Bob the virgin (Fred Willard who you’ve seen in countless things including most of Christopher Guest’s mockumentaries). That brings out the ahtist in Blanche. The final segment – like pretty much all of the ones set the past in Brooklyn – is basically a snooze. Yes it’s fun to see Estelle Getty out of makeup playing young Sophia and yes Lyn Greene NAILS a young Dorothy Zbornak but those scenes were never my favorite. Then Dorothy finally shows up at the end and implies that she banged Dr. Kagan so hard that he’s too tired to walk her to the door. End of episode. This is probably one of the weakest Season 7 episodes though the New Year’s Eve scene just barely saves it from an Isaac Newton level disaster (And yes, for the record, the Isaac Newton episode is worse than, say, M. Terrific and most people don’t realize it because everyone always forgets about the Isaac Newton episode but I digress). At least the next episode is the one with Stan’s monkey. GRADE: B-


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