Friday, June 14, 2019

The Monkey Show - Part 2 S7E9

Synopsis: As the storm hits, Dorothy deals with Gloria and Stan sleeping together while Rose and Blanche bomb hosting the Save the McKinley Lighthouse telethon.

Musical Moments
Rose: “While Blanche is doing that, why don't I head over to the piano? I'd like to sing you a song that I used to sing as a child. It's an old Minnesotan farm song entitled, I Never Thought I'd Grow a Hair There:
Oom pah, pah/Oom pah, pah/Oom pah, pah/Om, what the hell is that hair?”
Blanche:Rose? We just got a pledge for $20.”
Rose: “Oh, let's go to the tote board. Drum roll. We're off to a good start. Okay, now, where was I? Oh, yes, where Hans first spots the hair. Oom pah, pah/Oom pah, pah-”
Blanche: “Rose? Rose? I just got a pledge for $50, if you will stop singin'.”
Sophia [on the phone]: “That's right. 50 bucks if she stops singing and I'll throw in another 50 if you slam the piano lid on her fingers.”

Insult Watch
Dorothy: “Mama, may I see you in the kitchen?”
Sophia: “You look mighty pretty today, pussycat.”
Dorothy: “This isn't going to work, you little stick person.”

Product Placement
Stan: “Can you believe it? The machines are all empty.”
Dorothy: “Oh, that's terrible. Would you like a Clark bar?”
Stan: “Sure.”
Dorothy: “$2.50.”
Stan: “It's nice to be able to talk again like human beings, like friends.”
Dorothy: “I said $2.50, Stan.”

Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “Look, Gloria isn't the kind of woman that does well by herself. She's the kind of woman who needs a rich man to buy her things and make her feel special.”
Dorothy: “Oh? And what kind of woman am I?”
Sophia: “The kind who should live with her mother.”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “Oh, I remember back in St. Olaf, during a tornado, my mother left the storm cellar to find Toto. Her constant companion and favorite cow.”
Dorothy: “Why are we nice to her?”
Rose: “The point is, when mother went out in the storm, she got quite a bump on her head. For the rest of her days, she kept trying to get that cow in the little basket on the front of her bicycle.”

Best of B.E.D.
Rose: “Hello, this is Rose Nylund. And this is Blanche Devereaux.”
Blanche: “Hi, boys.”
Rose: “And we're going to be with you for the next eight hours on the Save the McKinley Lighthouse Telethon. So, please call the number that's flashing on your screen to make your pledges.”
Blanche: “And, uh, for that handsome guy in the red corvette that I cut off on Highway 12 yesterday, you can call my personal number which is flashin' on your screen now.” [555-EASY]

Brooklyn: A Fairyland
Sophia: “It's like when they were young. Whenever Gloria took one of Dorothy's old toys, Dorothy would get interested again and want it back. I can still hear her yelling, ‘Gloria took my stick! Gloria took my stick!’”
Angelo: “Boy, we come from a poor family. But the way I see it is, you gave Stan to Gloria. But Stan is not a stick. He's not a Betsy Wetsy. He's not a rubber ball. He's a man.”
Sophia: “You are so wise.”
Angelo: “I listen to a lot of talk radio.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal
Dorothy: “How could you do this? How could you do this to me?”
Stan: “Dorothy, there's a hurricane a-comin’. Fierce winds and driving rains. Who knows what's gonna happen to all of us? I felt scared and vulnerable.”
Dorothy: “Oh, Stan, you big, bald girl.”

Gloria: “Dorothy, it just happened. I know you think it's wrong, but it's not a crime, you know.”
Dorothy: “Yes, it is. Officers!”
Stan: “You brought the cops??”
Dorothy: “That's right. I came prepared. Officers, shoot these people. You heard me, I'm a tax payer. Shoot them.”
Dorothy: “Oh, come on now. You can too shoot them.”
Cop 1: “I cannot shoot them. I can only shoot looters.”
Dorothy: “Oh, I understand. Stan, pick up the TV on your way out, will you?”

The Boob Tube
Davy Cricket: “And now, I'd like to do a happy cricket. Note the difference.”
Rose: “That's great. Do you do any other insects?”
Davy Cricket: “Well, I do a grasshopper that- Nah, you can't do it on TV.”
Rose: “Oh, well, thank you. Thank you, Davey Cricket.”

Golden Quotes
Dr. Halperin: “So, kids, what's going on?”
Stan: “Well, Doc, I have some news. I sort of slept with Dorothy's sister.”
Dr. Halperin: “Hey, you're off the monkey. Mazel tov.”

Carol: “Oh my God.”
Dorothy: “What is it?”
Carol: “You're Dan and Morothy.”
Dorothy: “Wild and crazy names?”
Dr. Halperin: “Carol, this is a different Dan and Morothy.”
Carol: “You mean these aren't the two nuts who couldn't stop seeing each other? Dan, a sex-crazed nudnik with occasional performance problems, and Morothy, a domineering tyrant who totally emasculated him?”
Sophia: “No more calls. We have a winner.”

Blanche: “Well, let me tell you something, mister. It doesn't matter how many of our acts have shown up. It doesn't matter how many hours of air time we have to fill. There is only one thing that matters here. The indomitable devotion that Rose and I have in our hearts for that windmill. It's a devotion for that windmill. It's a love for that windmill. And as God as our witness, we are going to save that windmill.”
Rose: “It's a lighthouse, Blanche. We're saving the McKinley Lighthouse.”
Blanche: “That eyesore?”
Rose: “That's the one.”

Sophia: “Do you know, in some primitive societies, it's considered good manners to give your ex-husband to your sister?”
Dorothy: “In some primitive societies they leave their elderly out in a field for large birds to feed on. Where do we draw the line?”
Sophia: “Right before the large bird thing.”

Stage manager: “The telethon is over. The station manager just told me they're turning the airwaves over to the National Weather Service. This studio has been designated an official hurricane shelter.”
Blanche: “Oh, well, fine. But, uh, before I go, I would like to make one final plea. Now, I know there is goodness in your heart and I know you want to give. Well, I am ready to take anything you have to offer. Shaaaare with me.”
Stage manager: “Ma'am, we've been off the air for two minutes.”
Blanche: “I know it. I'm talking to Chester on camera two. Share with me, Chestah!”

Dorothy: “Ma? Ma, are you home? Ma, don't hide. [looking under kitchen cabinet] Ma? No, you're too smart to hide in the same place twice.”

Cop 2: “Hello, ma'am. Are you the resident here?”
Dorothy: “Oh, my God. It's my mother!!”
Cop 2: “No, ma'am, I'm a police officer.”
Cop 1: “Can I show the kid Blanche’s room while we’re waiting? Nah, let him be surprised.”

Sophia: “Angelo, you're my big brother. I can only come to you. I'm in trouble.”
Angelo: “Then the boy will marry you.”

Sophia: “I'm a terrible mother.”
Angelo: “You're a wonderful mother.”
Sophia: “No, I really upset my Dorothy. She's at a very difficult age. Just out of menopause, but the sex drive isn't totally dead yet.”
Angelo: “That is an awkward time.”
Sophia: “And Gloria, she's my baby. She hasn't even lost any of her adult teeth yet.”
Angelo: “I'd kill for a piece of corn that wasn't creamed.”

Sophia: “Oh, the entrance is blocked. We can't get out! We're gonna die!”
Angelo: “All right, don't worry. I have a plan. They taught me how to deal with emergencies in the Italian Army. HELP! HELP!”

Sophia: “Dorothy, I want to talk to you. I just wanted to say I'm sorry about the stick.”
Dorothy: “What stick?”
Sophia: “The stick. The one with the sock on it with the buttons for the eyes?”
Dorothy: “You mean Scout? You know where Scout is?”
Sophia: “Look, I'm sorry I gave the stick to your sister when you were a kid. And I'm sorry about the other thing, too.”
Dorothy: “You mean about giving Stan to Gloria?”
Sophia: “Yeah, that and the stick. I'm sorry about those two things.”

Is anyone else disturbed that Dorothy refers to the lanai as “the patio.” Bea Arthur was really checked out this season wasn’t she? Of course, no one else seemed to care either. But I digress. The second part of this two part episode (which aired as part of a Hurricane Saturday crossover night on NBC with Empty Nest and Nurses – yes there is a Golden Girls shared universe, eat your heart out Marvel) is significantly funnier than the first half. Everything at the telethon is gold. I used to watch Rose sing the “I Never Thought I’d Grow a Hair There” song over and over and over again when I was younger. The way they go to the tot board every time they get a donation is fun visual gag. How exactly Blanche was able to coordinate with the graphics guy having her “personal number” flash on the TV screen is a ridiculous but hilarious gag as well. And who could forget Davy Cricket?? Of course there’s more about the repercussions of Gloria and Stan sleeping together. Snooze. Though I do like it when the cops show up and Dorothy tells them to shoot Gloria and Stan after she finds them sleeping together again. Hurricanes just make people horny I guess. I’m surprised Blanche was able to get through the whole storm without French kissin’ the pillahs. And lastly I’d just like to leave you with the image of Sophia squished underneath the kitchen cabinets. Brilliant. Just brilliant. GRADE: B+

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