Monday, January 8, 2018

Blanche Delivers S6E1

Synopsis: Blanche's knocked up and single daughter Becky visits and causes yet another rift with Blanche when she decides to have the baby in Miami; Rose trains for the US Senior Sports Classic in ice skating.

90s Flashback

Sophia: “A little more to the left. A little more to the left. A little more to the left.”

Dorothy: “Ma. Ma, wake up, wake up. You're having a nightmare.”

Sophia: “Oh, I dreamt I was in bed with Mel Gibson and Kim Basinger was to my right.”

Crazy Continuity

Not so much a continuity thing but something I've always been curious about. Ladies, tell me if I'm wrong, but if you're pregnant and about to burst, do you travel to another state for visit and then just decide to stay there to have the baby at a hospital with doctors you don't know?

Let’s Get Political

Blanche: “At least Dorothy's pregnancy was an accident. My daughter did it on purpose. And went to a sperm bank. A sperm bank. Just the very idea of a bank havin' sperm.”

Sophia: “At least the government didn't have to bail them out.”

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley

Rose: “I'm gonna enter the US Senior Sports Classic. And I'm gonna win.”

Dorothy: “I had no idea that you could skate that well.”

Rose: “Oh when I was young, my folks had me train for the US team. The day the Olympic Committee came to St. Olaf, I was so nervous I put my skates on the wrong feet.”

Dorothy: “Oh!”

Rose: “Sonya Henderfinken's.”

Shady Pines, Ma

Becky: “I can't believe you. Are you ever gonna get over my bein' a single mother?”

Blanche: “Well it's just that I have a reputation in this town.”

Dorothy [immediately feeding Sophia cheesecake]: “Cheesecake, Ma?”

Becky: “I had artificial insemination. It's not like I slept with every man in town!”

Dorothy: “Chew it carefully, Ma. Like they taught you at Shady Pines.”

Lewd Ladies

Blanche: “Oh. This is a birthing center? Well, where's the obstetrician? Where's the equipment??”

Sophia:“Yeah, she'd be better off having the baby in your bedroom. At least you've got stirrups.”

Becky: “I think one's coming on. Oh oh OH. YIKES!!”

Sophia: [knocking on wall]: “Blanche, cut it out. I'm trying to get some sleep.”

Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: "I think it's great that you're taking part in the Senior Sports Classic. You know, I might try entering it myself in 15 years when I'm eligible. If I can come up with an event."
Dorothy: "The luge is the only one where you get to lie on your back."

Oh Shut Up, Rose!

Rose: “Boy, in St. Olaf, the mother was always with the daughter when she gave birth. And if the mother was out of town, then the mother of the father was there. And if she was out of town, then we'd call Lucky Gunther.”

Dorothy: “Oh, what the hell. She has a birthday coming up. Why, Rose?”

Rose: “After the thresher accident, they replaced Lucky's arm with the forceps. Yep. Lucky Gunther. He was in charge of delivering babies and handing out corn at the Rotary picnics.”

Dorothy: “Shut up, Rose!”

Insult Watch

Rose: “I'm wearing weights to strengthen my ankles.”

Sophia: “Do they come in headbands?”

Product Placement

Becky: “So uh, Mama, what do you think?”

Blanche: “I think it would cost less to squat in a Laura Ashley showroom.”

Sassy Sophia

Blanche: “I'm really looking forward to Becky's visit, even though she is in a delicate condition.”

Sophia: “Yeah, knocked up and single. How dainty.”

Back in St. Olaf

Rose: “I was fortunate. I was at a picnic when I delivered Kirsten.”

Dorothy: “Well, how was that fortunate?”

Rose: “Lucky Gunther already had boiling water in his corn pot. Before you knew it, I was kissing her little buttery salted head.”

Best of B.E.D.

Blanche: “Oh! Oh my G- Oh, will you just look at HIM!?”

Doctor: “Mrs. Devereaux, that's the umbilical cord!”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose

Rose: “Coach Ninervini is really disappointed in my compulsory figures. The only way I can make an "8" is to start with a snowman and then erase his head and arms. By the time I do all that, the judges have lost interest.”

Dorothy: “So have I, Rose.”

What, We Can't Learn From History?

Dorothy: “So, I hear we only get you for three days.”

Becky: “Well, that depends.”

Dorothy: “On what?”

Becky: “On how my mother feels about my having the baby in Miami.”

Blanche: “Here?? So close to Cuba?”

From Feud to Food

Dorothy: “Cheesecake, Rose?”

Rose: “Let's taste it and find out.”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal

Dorothy: “It doesn't matter what your parents want. Rose, you're never gonna make them happy. They're just gonna nag you and nag you until you want to grab their throats and choke 'em, but you don't, because you're in a hospital with resuscitating equipment!!!”

The Boob Tube

Dorothy: “Remember how Stan was working late when I went into labor with Kate, so I called you, Ma?”

Sophia: “Yeah, right in the middle of Uncle Miltie.”

Dorothy: “No, no. Kate was born on a Friday. Milton Berle was on Tuesday nights.”

Sophia: “Yeah, I know. Uncle Miltie was your father's pet name for – nevermind.”

Golden Quotes

Becky: “Well, I love being pregnant. Except for the hormones. Yesterday I cried when the mail was late.”

Rose [crying]: “Oh no, her mail was late!”

Dorothy: “Can you imagine what she was like when she had hormones?”

Becky: “I'm not having my baby in a hospital. I'm going to a birthin' center. They emphasize natural childbirth in a relaxed atmosphere with no painkillers.”

Blanche: “Becky, I know I told you where babies come from. Did I ever mention where they come out?”

Blanche: “First Becky conceives in a clinic, now she wants to deliver in a bedroom. She's got the whole thing backwards. Oh, this is all wrong. What kind of dope would want to have a baby here?!”

Rose: “This place makes me wanna run out and get pregnant!”

Blanche: “Well, darling, that is woman's lot in life, to bear the pain of childbirth.”

Becky: “What's man's lot in life?”

Dorothy: “Their eyebrows grow together.”

Rose: “Am I crazy or did I hear screaming?”

Dorothy: “Yes and yes!”

Blanche: “How you doin', baby?”

Becky: “I'm scared.”

Blanche: “Oh honey, there's nothin' to be afraid of. Just remember, pull! Pull! Oh, no. That's skeet shootin'.”

Sophia: “It took me three and a half days to have Dorothy. I finally coaxed her out with a pork chop.”

Dorothy: “You know Ma, you're really making me feel very bad. You keep telling me how hard it was and how long it took to have me.”

Sophia: “Did I mention the colic?”

Dorothy: “Ma, you're hurting my feelings.”

Sophia: “Not as much as you hurt my oonie.”

Dorothy: “Ma!”

Rose: “Oh, Sophia. Big Foot, thank you. I mean, you're terrific. You made me realize you don't have to please your parents. I don't know how I can thank you. No more ice-skating. And I'm not gonna go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.”

Dorothy: “No, Rose, that you should do.”


A new year, a new season. And even better it's the second part of what I refer to as 'The Aurora Trilogy.' And it contains my all-time favorite off-screen scream in television history (the mommy on fire obviously – and, for the record, second place goes to Jaleel White in the first Myrtle Urkel episode of “Family Matters”). Even though this is a very Blanche-centric episode Rose gets lots of fun physical humor here. It's a sheer delight when Rose walks through the kitchen door looking like she's going to “a sanitarium up north.” Then she shuffles along with ankle weights and Sophia thinks she's making fun of old people. I wonder how long it did take Rose to get through the grocery store with those things on? Anyways, so when Becky mentions Birthin' Centers and Sophia makes a remark about those theme park people, does anyone else picture an Epcot-like “Miracle of Birth” ride? I'd go on it. On that note, what in the actual hell is a Birthin' Center? But I digress. Rose's storyline, let's be real, is just plain silly and is just an excuse for her to get Becky's birthin' coach mixed up with her ice skating coach, but it's a funny gag and I can get behind it. The fact that Becky, let alone the doctor, would even want the coach in the room is beyond preposterous. Moving on, I'm on the record as saying that aside from Season 2's “End of the Curse” opener this episode is arguably the series' strongest season premiere. The writing is as funny and crisp as ever and by season 6 the ladies have certainly found their grove, probably so much so that at this point it feels like they ARE these characters. Finally, the show's writers have always come up with clever euphemisms for genitalia over the course of the series from oohoo to wee-wee but Sophia's line reading of “oonie” takes the cake. A cake that's probably from the Get It While It's Hot Erotic Bake Shop. Note: I'm adding a new category called “Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal” for any downright classic Dorothy Z. outbursts. Looking forward to this season. GRADE: A

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